Archive for the 'B-movie Reviews' Category

Apr

Comments Off on The Intruders

Welcome back to another review, folks! So. You know those movies you really want to be good, but just aren’t? The situation when you know the actors, their skills, even sometimes their histories, but the movie they’re in is just so….boring. This is where this movie lies. I only watched it, truthfully, beacause I recognized some of the names in the ‘Starring’ box. Ow. My nostalgia. Why am I going on about this? Well, let’s get started and find out.

This movie is starring an actor I’ve been aware of and following since they were a child star….Not…not in a creepy way, either. Ahem. Anyways, the arguable ‘main star’ of this movie is Miranda Cosgrove, playing every stereotype in every horror movie, ever. Yeah. It’s that bad. How bad? Well. Let’s see: Lost a parent? Check. Current parent thrown into their work to not cope? Check. Teenager left alone constantly? Check. Whining about being somewhere else incessantly? Check. Bland, predictable romance with what seems to be the only boy in all of the city? Check. Oh, the list goes on and on. I was going to turn this movie into a drinking game, like I have others in the past, but if I did that I’d be begging someone for a liver transplant. You can do the exact same checklist of tropes for every. Single. Character. In fact, I encourage you to make a checklist and go down it as the movie plays.

So the story goes as every other story has gone. The mother of the main character committed suicide, though this is tip-toed around until near the end, forcing the father to take their emotionally unstable daughter to Chicago for a change of pace. Enter ‘We gotta fix up this place’ scenario to introduce the one man crew of a restoring company character. But not before we meet the pouty, mopey, bland as water neighbors: a daughter and a father. The father played by Tom Sizemore, one of my favorite actors, is of course given a ‘I’m so creepy I could be a murderer’ vibe to try and push this already boring story forward. And by push it forward I mean add little, to nothing, to the plot. The daughter, however, is angsty and doesn’t really like the new neighbors, leaving the meeting with an ominous line. Or it would be ominous if you could understand it! The entire conversation I just told you about is done in such hushed tones and mumbles that I had to switch on the subtitles. And, for some reason, as Miranda Cosgrove’s character leaves the driveway scene of mumbling, she finds a necklace on the ground. If you just said that the necklace pertains to the house being haunted; go get yourself a cookie.

That’s right. We start to push the supernatural aspect at this point, shadows walking by open doors, crying in the night, all of which has the teenage daughter up in arms, but the father, despite us knowing he’s sleeping in the same house, doesn’t hear a thing. But, then again, if I were popping painkillers like this guy was, I’d probably be just as comatose. Things start to pop up, a doll’s head, a half eaten potato, a can of tuna, and, of course, more info about who used to live in the house before. I don’t get the potato thing, either, folks. Begin research montage! Typical, I know, I know. End with more supposed supernatural things happening, but not too frightening, cause in the midst of all this mystery and possible murder the main character finds time to sneak out and go to a pool party with her would-be boyfriend. Gotta keep those priorities in line, folks! So after that happens, don’t worry, there’s no underage shenanigans going on in this movie; the cold shouldered neighbor suddenly becomes the chatty Kathy.

After some very shaky exposition, and I do mean shaky, as to some young woman who was abused, ran away, was taken under wing by some creepy spinster and her son, who is equally creepy. The young woman suddenly disappears, as does the creepy son, and they all chalk it up to running away together. Although the neighbor, Tom Sizemore, does get indicted for kidnapping and such, but that’s just there to keep the story somewhat diverse. It fails. After a suicide scare scene between Miranda Cosgrove’s character and her father, which, truth be told, the best scene in the movie. Why? We actually get to see the two actors really belt out a scene, and in that scene, it’s actually well put together. I’ll give kudos where it’s due. Too bad the rest of the movie is lacking that genuine feel and actual chemistry between the two characters. It’s a single shimmer of good in a whole lot of bad, but it is a good scene. And let me tell you, you’ll need it to stomach the remainder of the movie. Right after this scene we go directly into the final scenes.

I won’t spoil anything, but it’s all so painfully obvious that you can’t watch it and say “Of course that would happen!” in a sarcastic tone. You will literally mean it. With bad pacing, an opening that promised horror, the rest of the movie that fails to do so, weak acting from good actors, and a script so generic bread looks exciting, this movie fails at being horror, suspense, or anything truly scary. Thanks for reading, folks! And, as always, Stay Tuned!

roadside attractions

  • Really? Just…Really
  • Everyone Saw That Coming
  • Old Cell Phone
  • Juice Nazi
  • New Cell Phone
  • Concerned About Taxi Rides
  • Not About Haunted Houses
totals

2

blood BLOOD

One Strangling. One Stabbing.

1

blood BREASTS

There’s a pool party. That’s it.

0

beast BEASTS

Creepy is as creepy does.

2 OVERALL
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Apr

posted by Barry Goodall | April 5, 2015 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Bad movie, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Voodoo

Fresh from drug rehab, Corey Feldman plays Andy, a struggling writer who visits a college campus to hangout with his easily annoyed girlfriend Rebecca. “Becky” kicks him to the curb so he pledges a fraternity of voodoo worshipping yuppies all because his girlfriend won’t let him crash on her couch. The new frat brothers drug him and give him a home-made dragon tattoo forcing him to snuggle with a dead girl in a pit of chicken bones. Still way better than carrying cherries around with your butt cheeks for a hazing. Thinking it was all just a bad dream from the cajun food, he gets a bit suspicious when the fraternities head voodoo doctor, Marsh performs acupuncture on a ken doll that causes their neighbor to blow his brains out with a shotgun. Andy decides he has had enough and spikes one of their drinks with some table salt (it’s voodoo zombie kryptonite.) Epileptic seizure hilarity ensues and he has to dive out the window just as Columbo in a k-car rescues him with a sonic dead chicken horn that causes Marsh’s ears to bleed.

He drives Andy to a secret room where he tells him that Marsh wants to live forever but needs him as the final sacrificed brother to make the ritual complete. Wanting to get out of dodge, he tracks down Rebecca to warn her and she easily accepts his insane story and starts searching through schools files with her roommate. Not sure what she hopes to find. Maybe a dead chicken head or proof of voodoo tax evasion? Rebecca’s professor finds them and injects her friend in the neck with some green poison which means instant death and no extra credits. She should have known with all those seminars in black magic and goat sacrificing that her professor was in on the whole thing.

Rebecca is kidnapped by a security guard and gets thrown into the backseat of a Lincoln Continental. Meanwhile Andy is stuck battling a frat zombie in Bob Marey’s former smoking lounge. He escapes and tracks his girlfriend down to a basement temple where Marsh just stabbed the rest of his frathouse brothers and doused himself in talcum powder and just grey for men hair coloring gel. Rebecca is tied up and gaged which has got to be a relief to Andy from her constant judgement of his life choices. He impales Marsh with a metal pipe covered in magic dust the exact same way you’d kill a circus del soil dancer.  Andy and Becky escape to transfer to a community college free of Voodoo curses and career prospects and frathouses everywhere are safe once again..well except for drunk co-eds.

Barry Goodall says to checkout “Voodoo” and remember to keep your voodoo doll in it’s original packaging. it’s worth more on eBay that way.

Oh yeah, a Becky actually did break up with me once in college and became a Barista. It’s the 3B’s of college… Becky, Breakup, Barista. But I’m not bitter.

roadside attractions

  • Goat herding
  • Six undead fratboys
  • Salt attack
  • Bleeding ear
  • Hypodermic needle to the neck
  • Multiple sacrifices
  • Car hood-slam dunking
  • Bottle shankin’
  • Pipe impalement
  • Ken-doll Voodoo
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Most of the blood is from the chicken sacrifices.

8

blood

BREASTS

Out of nowhere we have gratuitous nudity just to wake you up. It maybe a requirement of any movie filmed in a college dorm.

9

beast

BEASTS

a snake, a goat, undead fratboys and drunk fratboys

8 OVERALL
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Mar

Comments Off on Baffled


Leonard Nimoy is so not Spock in “Baffled,” a movie that probably should have a spoiler tag on its opening credits. And it does have opening credits. That’s because “Baffled” was actually a failed TV pilot, and why it failed, I’ll never know. A paranormal mystery show starring Leonard Nimoy paired with a smart blonde and medium-high sexual tension? Nothing on TV in the 70s was as good as that, not even when they were drunk on “Match Game.” Plus the opening theme is just so rockin’.

Nimoy’s star turn here is as Tom Kovack, a charismatic Indy race car driver who discovers he has psychic visions when one abruptly sends him skidding into a near-fatal accident on the track. The vision itself just consists of tracking shots of an imposing English estate, slo-mo Vera Miles screaming, a hay wagon, a girl walking down stairs, and a woman’s voice repeating, “It’s Wyndham in Devon, dear.” Sadly, Peter Cushing is not in his pit crew.

The next day, Tom reluctantly tells a TV interviewer about his vision, because they didn’t know about pre-interviews in the 1970s the same way they didn’t know about colors other than brown and orange. Rare book dealer and out-of-his-league blonde Michelle Brent catches the interview on telly and is intrigued. Destined to be the Mulder to his Scully, the Giles to his Buffy, and the Diane to his Sam, she visits Tom and suggests that they go fight the forces of Vague Menace from his vision together. Skeptical Tom refuses the call to adventure, although not before trying to hit on her a couple times, so he’s still clearly Not Spock.

Adventure is at telemarketer levels of persistence though and zings Tom with another vision, this time leaving him drenched in saltwater in the middle of his hotel room – a little something for the ladies. He follows up with Michelle and the two of them take a sabbatical from gainful employment and real lives to go Scooby it up at the manor house, also a vacation spot, Wyndham in Devon.

The manor house entertains several guests apart from our heroes, but the focus of mystery and the girls of Tom’s dreams, so to speak, are film star Andrea Glenn (“special guest star Vera Miles” ) and her daughter Jennifer. Andrea and Jennifer have arrived at Wyndham to meet with Andrea’s estranged husband and Jennifer’s dad, English actor Duncan Sanford. Now of all the things this movie presents as weird or uncanny, this is the only disturbing part to me, and it’s something we’re expected to just sort of roll with. The actress playing Jennifer is clearly old enough to drive, if not vote, but she’s playing a 12-year-old. That’s not the weird part. She’s also a 12-year-old who wears pigtails and carries around a stuffed animal and calls her mother “Mommy.” But that’s still not the weird part.

The weird part is this: Andrea has not seen Duncan in all that time, her daughter’s entire life, and Jennifer claims never to have met her – sigh – “Daddy.” I get that Andrea and Duncan are split up and she’s in America and he’s in England, but for a world-famous actress, hopping across the pond to visit the father of your child shouldn’t be that big a deal, should it? At least once? And if Duncan is such an ogre that he doesn’t want to meet his own daughter, why does Jennifer glowingly idealize him? She doesn’t even know what he looks like. How is that possible in the 20th century? And Andrea doesn’t seem to be protecting Jennifer from any other details of her rocky relationship with Duncan. Am I giving too much thought to this? Yes. Yes, I am. But it’s weird, right?

Then after all that, Duncan fails to show up to greet Andrea and Jennifer as planned anyway. Jerk.

As soon as he arrives, Tom of course recognizes Andrea and her daughter from his visions. He and Michelle then set about digging up information on them and the other guests, since the evil at Wyndham is still pretty ill-defined. All they’ve got is Tom’s vision of Andrea screaming. I mean, Andrea could have been screaming at anything – a spider, the minibar bill, a lunatic dressed as his mother with a butcher knife, anything. Could the vague menace be the groovy young newlyweds? Or maybe it’s the Italian guy? The standard issue English butler? And what’s up with the diffidently bitchy owner of the manor house, Mrs. Farraday? She’s de-aging like so much Cher. That’s not right.

Meanwhile, Jennifer secretly meets with her Dad, who insists Jennifer wear a gaudy medallion with a wolf’s head on it, but not tell her mother about it or him until he says so. So clearly nothing going on there.

Poor, stood-up Andrea tries to locate her husband, fails, and soon suffers the onset of Sudden Gothic Heroine Syndrome, with the usual hallucinations, gauzy nightgown-clad fleeing, and sudden, debilitating illnesses that keep you from grabbing your daughter and getting the hell out. Jennifer goes from Cindy on the Brady Bunch to the 70s equivalent of Miley twerking in the course of a couple days. Tom and Michelle Scooby hard, but the red herrings keep throwing up false positives for Tom’s untested psychic gifts. Plus they find themselves on the wrong side of the Vague Menace and have to save themselves over and over, although I do have to say having seen this, it’s less them saving themselves and more the Vague Menace not following through on its evil plans. You’ve got Michelle alone in the back of a truck and unconscious. Finish it! What, is this your first insidious Satanic plot?

The movie goes on, probably for about 15 minutes and 2 red herrings too long. It would have been a great TV episode though. I envision Roddy McDowall and Donald Pleasance as evil cultists in later episodes. Sadly, the only “Baffled” we got was this one, which is both too much and not enough, thanks to the meandering plot and extremely Vague Menace. It may still be worth your time with caveats: basically if you love Leonard Nimoy or you just want something on in the background to fall asleep to.

roadside attractions

  • A chase scene with no power steering
  • Wheelchair-based combat
  • Looking deep into Leonard Nimoy’s soulful brown eyes
  • Rear projection psychic projection
  • All the turtlenecks the 1970s had to offer
totals

0

blood

BLOOD

For all the foreboding, most violence stays offscreen and at Nancy Drew levels.

1

blood

BREASTS

There’s some dowager décolletage, but that’s less titillating than a 2-second glimpse of Nimoy’s treasure trail.

1

beast

BEASTS

No beasts to speak of, only surprisingly spry old ladies.

1.5 OVERALL But add 6 points if you have ever read Spock slashfic. 8 if you’ve written it.
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Mar

Comments Off on Bad Milo: A guest review by Sikkdays

Sikkdays is not a paid holiday where you skip work and watch a horror film. He is a child of 80s movies and syndicated cartoons that never grew up. Sikkdays is a video editor whose love of bad movies has most likely ruined his chance at a successful career. In fact, the U.S. has even declared him Persona non grata. From somewhere in the cold tundra of Canada he produces a bad movie podcast called Film Frown and if you’re looking for conversation find him on the twitter sphere @sikkdays.

A man has a monster up his ass that when released, kills people. It’s a story we can all relate to after burrito night. Wait, this is a feature length movie and not a Youtube sketch? Bad Milo is labeled a horror comedy. I suppose. It’s like calling a Gallagher routine a horror comedy simply because you can’t stand violence against fruit. The film is swimming with comedic actors and the occasional bloody scene but you never witness much violence.

Arguably the hero of the film is Milo, that’s who we are here to see. However, an ass demon has to live somewhere. Thus, the film follows the story of Duncan. You may recognize actor Ken Marino from his many TV appearances. All I know is that they picked the right guy because one of his IMDB soundtrack credits is for a song titled “Ass Butt Song.” Duncan is being pressured at home to start a family. This is compounded by his mother’s predictable desire for grandchildren. Meanwhile at work Duncan’s boss, played by Patrick Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld), has put Duncan in charge of firing all the people at the firm who have been downsized. Also his office has been moved to a shared space with an annoying coworker. Wait! This is a horror comedy. The shared office is a former restroom.

Finally, his mother has invited a fertility specialist to dinner. All of this stress and anxiety has given Duncan terrible pains in his abdomen. Kumail Nanjiani playing his mother’s much younger beau, gives explicit sex advice at dinner which made the laughter demon in my abdomen very happy.

After a visit with his wonderfully awkward doctor played by Toby Huss, Duncan has more stress. This could be a serious medical issue after all. The funny doc isn’t around for long. During the procedure to remove the polyp that seems to be causing Duncan’s issues, he sees something else and is immediately eviscerated. Duncan wakes up on the couch. Was that a dream sequence? Certainly this would be the subject of many internet commenters, if it wasn’t overshadowed by the preposterous fact in this film that a horrible demon lives in a man’s anus.

As his pain becomes more severe, it’s time for an alternative approach. Duncan’s wife has made him an appointment with a hypnotist played by everyone’s favorite Swedish nihilist, Peter Stormare. It’s all too new age for the busy and stressed Duncan who leaves. At home, he receives a call from his new office roommate. There was computer issue and, well Duncan has lost all his important files. Doubling over in pain he heads to the bathroom, pulls down his pants, sits on the pot and moans uncomfortably before passing out. Back at the office, his office mate becomes many red stains on the tiled bathroom walls. The next morning Duncan finds out watching the morning news. After the dream, or not dream of the doctor’s gruesome death and his annoying office mate’s murder perhaps talking to someone is a good idea. Duncan returns to the hypnotist, naturally.

Peter Stormare puts Duncan under and decides to ask him about all the things in his life giving him stress. Don’t make Mr. Banner angry You wouldn’t like him when he gets angry. That is, unless you like the Hulk. Same goes for Duncan, except substitute stress for anger. While hypnotized, he falls over and the hypnotist witnesses Milo exit from Duncan’s posterior. Thankfully, this film is using practical FX and the audience doesn’t have to suffer through a CGI, hairless Gizmo emerging from the Mariana Trench below Duncan’s Dockers. Stormare is attacked before Milo leaps out the window. Milo then goes after the fertility doctor with a punishment befitting the crime. Did I say the movie wasn’t much in horror? I may have lied. This scene is graphic.

Luckily, Stormare has a book on demons so I assume they look up “derriere?” Here we learn some lore about this creature. Milo cannot be destroyed because he’s part of Duncan and that would be like giving himself a lobotomy. Therefore, when Milo returns it’s time to reason with the murdering polyp and convince him to “come home.” Duncan gets on his hands and knees and tries to convince the little guy with a comforting voice. At least Elliot was smart enough to use Reese’s Pieces with E.T.

From here it’s about trying to control stress and Milo. Of course, to do that we need sock puppets and a reunion with an estranged father played by Stephen Root. Though, no amount of hippie love, boss payback and gerbiling will sate Milo’s lust for murder. Duncan must race to save his wife and her unborn baby from himself. Well, a piece of himself that specifically comes from his ass.

The ridiculous world the filmmakers have created is decently entertaining. As a viewer, we’re even treated to some Muppet Mortal Kombat. I would recommend this film to anyone who wants a good laugh. I can’t see why you wouldn’t enjoy it. Unless you have a stick up your butt.

roadside attractions

  • Back door action
  • cubies are worse than roomies
  • The parrot thinks he knows everything
  • PSM (poor stress management
  • electrified wire loop
  • Gerbiling is not just for Richard Gere
  • Penectomy is not just for John Bobbitt
  • Mom’s sex dungeon
  • Fart jokes
  • Just the tip Tuesdays
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

The few times the red stuff is on the screen, there’s lots of it. Gore is pretty low, but guys wear a cup.

2

blood

BREASTS

You get Milo moobs. You’ll have to watch Choke if you want to partake in Gillian Jacobs’ assets.

5

beast

BEASTS

Like spooky children in horror movies, Milo gets ugly fast. From cuddly Gizmo to fed after midnight Spike.

4.7 OVERALL
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Mar

Comments Off on The Taking of Deborah Logan

Welcome back to another review, folks. And to one, in a tired genre, that actually somehow manages to creep me out a bit. Not spill my popcorn scared, or even jump scare…scared, but the kind of genuine creep you can only get from certain kinds of movies. We all have that one little niche that makes us cringe at the very thought of watching something in that little caveat. For some it’s creepy children, for others it’s clowns, other have bugs, and I happen to have possession movies.

Now, in this day and age there are a hundred million billion and five found footage films. Add this one to the pile. After some student, who’s studying Alzheimer’s and it’s effects on people and relationships, finds the perfect family to study, all goes wrong. It seems that the whole thing might go a little bit deeper than just a disease. Good setup, I’m not gonna lie. But. Let’s count the stereotypes, shall we? Victims…I mean students, grainy footage, an older actress willing to subject herself to some harsh conditions for some recognition, and a whole lot of jump scares. We’re ready.

After arriving at murder farm number 19,234 our crew sets up and begins interviews for the entire documentation of what their entire trip is going to entail. This is as boring as it sounds, folks. I’d like to say that they’re building a bit of a relationship with the characters, but it all ends up very muddled due to bad editing. In fact, the editing gets so bad in some parts that I had to question where in the timeline it was all happening. I’m not sure if that was done intentionally, to throw the viewer into as much confusion as the actors and characters, or if someone just thought themselves clever. Either way, it gets old quick.

Now, the trick to building a scary movie, or even a creepy one, is to build a story behind what’s in front of the camera. And this movie takes that to task, and actually pretty well, I’m not afraid to add. We start learning of the town they live in’s mysterious past, several deaths that lean towards the ‘Ritual Sacrifice’ way of bad things, and even a very disgruntled farmer from next door. Now, this would be enough, if it weren’t for the whole ‘suffering daughter’ subplot that they shove in our faces. Honestly, if this movie were to cut just a few things out, it’d be a whole lot better. I’m not trying to be insensitive, but when there’s cliches in a cliché movie, it makes me want to sigh so hard I knock over my drink.

Of course, as dictated by the laws of found footage films, we hit the ¾ mark and finally start getting some spooky stuff, and I’m not gonna lie, it gets pretty intense in some scenes. An old piece of phone equipment fires up and starts spewing voices, a window that was just nailed closed is open suddenly, paintings by the ailing mother depict a figure that keeps getting closer, and a few more scenes that I’m not going to spoil for anyone. As we creep closer to the final scenes more and more of that whole ‘mysterious town’ thing start popping up.

After a rushed explanation and some quick exposition that takes us from that small farm to a hospital, then back to the farm, then back to the hospital….I think. I lost track, sorry. We get confirmation of a lot of things that most viewers could put together in passing as the final scenes come into play. I’ll say this, as I don’t like spoilers: They went into the woods.

With some interesting scenarios sprinkled throughout the movie, bad acting balanced out with some good acting, and scares that are actually creepy, this movie takes a long time to shape up, but it goes out swinging. I recommend it to anyone wanting a bit of a creep fest before bed. Thanks for reading, folks. Stay tuned!

roadside attractions

  • Operating machinery nude
  • Eat Dirt Taken Literally
  • That had to hurt
  • Never go into the woods
  • Snakes are not good
  • Told you not to go into the woods
  • You are what you eat
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

More creep than gore.

1

blood

BREASTS

The number depends on your taste.

4

beast

BEASTS

It’s a possession movie. You’ll see.

7 OVERALL
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