Archive for the 'B-movies' Category

Feb

posted by Doktor | February 26, 2014 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

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Tagline: Mandroid. Mercenary. Scientist. Ninja. Each one a specialist. Together they are ELIMINATORS!

Year: 1986 Runtime: 96 min

Director: Peter Manoogian

Writer: Paul De Meo, Danny Bilson

Starring: Andrew Prine, Denise Crosby, Patrick Reynolds

Current scientific theory states that the whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts. This is a banal axiom by itself. However, it is an interesting thesis when one asks: how does this paradigm work when the constituent parts are comprised of zeros. Ah, ha! Finally, a truly great question, relevant to our lives today. The answer? You get an order of magnitude diddly-squat. Enter the Eliminators:

  • An Eeyore cyborg
  • Tasha Yar
  • An owl robot thingie
  • A scoundrel river bum
  • A Ninja

Take this eclectic crew and mix them all together in an After School Special, spice, to taste, with some Romans, a mad scientist, and some Neanderthals, and you have 90 minutes of hernia rupturing fun. Actually, After School Special doesn’t quite capture the ambiance. Eliminators is more like an episode of G.I. Joe: laser burlets flung every which way, vehicles crashing, explosions, and yet no one dies.

I should probably mention that this is a Charles Band film. Just so we’re clear.

Eliminators is the story of a man, John Doe, who is unwillingly transformed into Mandroid (think Borg + Robocop on a $13 budget) after his plane crashes in an uncharted Mexican jungle. The evil genius behind John’s alteration is Dr. Reeves, a mad scientist with a face like a waffle iron and a penchant for ancient Rome. Oh, and he has a time machine. Mandroid is sent back through time to insure the machine works. Upon completing his mission, despite all the money, time, and accessories built for him, Reeves orders his assistant, Takada, to dismantle Mandroid. Apparently Reeves learned all he knew about life from the Senate Committee on Appropriations.

Takada, having a conscience, helps Mandroid to escape, which, of course, costs him his life. Mandroid snaps on his gratuitous Mobile Unit, worthless tank treads Mandroid plugs his top half into Centaur style, and proceeds to race out of the compound at motorized shopping cart speeds. As no one can shoot, even when armed with rifles with ridiculous scopes, he only takes a burlet  to the head. Falling within the G.I. Joe violence quotient, the head shot merely ruins some of his memory chips, rendering him only slightly more efficacious than an amnesiac. Something which, by this point in the movie, I would have gladly welcomed—either the amnesia or a head shot.

Mandroid seeks out Colonel Hunter (Tasha Yar) to inform her of Reeves’ evil deeds (read: muwhahaha). Hunter is a computer/robotics/science geek who works at a lab funded by Reeves. She wears lab coats and builds things like the Mandroid armor and S.P.O.T. (Search Patrol Operation Tactician), a Rent-a-Center V.I.N.CENT from Blackhole. Seeing her life’s work, i.e. the Mandroid armor as a living/breathing junkyard proof of concept, Hunter volunteers to return with Mandroid to exact revenge.

Hooray, it’s an adventure!

According to their maps, the Mexican jungle is uncharted, and because Mandroid’s memory was literally shot, Hunter has to hire a river guide to get them to the crash site, from which they’ll make their way to Reeves. Here they pick up Harry ‘scoundrel’ Fontana, the Rent-a-Center Han Solo character. There’s a keystone comedy bar fight that’ll send your duodenum into spasms followed by a river chase that’s as riveting as snails nailed in place. All the while our unlikely heroes laugh, love, and finally go their separate ways.

Wha—!

And then they come back together. Yay!

But then Mandroid and S.P.O.T. fall off Fontana’s boat, promptly sinking to the bottom of the river never to be found. Ever. Oh, noes!

And then there were two. Hunter and Fontana press on, only to get captured by Neanderthals.

Wait, what?

Meanwhile Mandroid and S.P.O.T. come sloshing out of the drink, none the worse for wear. They squirt river water from sundry orifices and push on. They promptly run into a Ninja pulling fish from a stream telekinetically.

Sigh.

Really? Neanderthals? Ninja? The Force? If they had a costume or make-up in the storeroom, Charles Band said, “Go for it!”

So… Mandroid learns that Ninja is Takada’s son. With a heavy heart—or diodes, or whatever—Mandroid relates what happened to Ninja’s father. Because he’s a ninja, Ninja vows to get revenge for what Reeves has done. Finally, the team is complete.

Back in the other subplot, Hunter and Fontana have to fight their way out of the clutches of the Neanderthals: smooches are smooched; burlets are thrown in the fire, which is far more effective than shooting them; three or four Neanderthals give chase. Things look bad for Fontana and Hunter…

Duh duh duh!

Thanks to the last minute appearance of Ninja, Mandroid, and S.P.O.T. they escape. Phew. A quick jog, and a jump cut, later the team finds Mandroid’s stashed mobile unit. They bivouac down for the afternoon to assess their supplies, work on a plan, and get a little sun. S.P.O.T. is sent to get a tactical layout of Reeves’ camp.

When S.P.O.T. returns something is amiss. S.P.O.T. is gibbering, which actually is normal but for some reason this gibberish is different. To clear up any confusion, S.P.O.T. starts shooting his sting lasers at everyone. Fearing someone might get hit, and thus suffer the indignity of a slightly uncomfortable pinch, Ninja has to put him down. (One down, four to go!) The smoke from the wreck forms into a hologram of Reeves’ head. Using it’s invisible lungs a vocal cords, Reeves’ disembodied head warns the Eliminators to come no further. Obviously defeated, our heroes resign themselves to life as failures…

But wait! If only Hunter can… cross some wires… a spark of electricity… What’s this?!? The plans for Reeves’ camp on S.P.O.T.’s visor. Good ole S.P.O.T. He came through after all. Hope restored, they spring into action.

The plan calls for Fontana, Hunter, and Ninja penetrate the stronghold via a Rent-a-Center City of Tanis map room. One would think an evil genius’s secret treasure room would be near impossible to get into, much less have it be the weak link in his whole defense, but one only need remember this is a Charles Band film and all worries are quelled. No sooner are they in when they are caught. The Dream Team™ is smooth as grandma’s sandpaper enemas.

Meanwhile, Mandroid sieges the camp at the front gate, calling for Reeves to come out. The gate opens, Mandroid walks in, and is surrounded by Reeves’ goons. “Ha, ha!” Mandroid laughs derisively.  “My friends have already destroyed your computers, your lab, and all your work. It’s over!” (Or something to that effect. I wasn’t paying attention and refuse to watch it again to get the actual quote.)

To which Reeves replies (via a speaker system), “Do you like apples, Mandroid?” Out march the three stooges. “How ‘bout dem apples?” (See previous parenthetical.)

Fail completed!

Uhm, maybe not so much. Well, at least not for the Eliminators. See, Reeves’ minions are nice guys. Rather than killing their prisoners the goons let the Eliminators start kicking butt first. Pew pew pew. Explosion. Pew pew pew. The minions run.

Maniacal laughter. The compound’s front door explodes. Ah, hell. Final Boss Fight!

True to all video games evar, Reeves has transformed. He’s no longer the decrepit,  waffle-faced mad scientist. Now he’s Iron Caesar (i.e. Julius Caesar + Iron Man). Sweet! Naturally his armor and weapons are stronger than Mandroid’s, allowing him to withstand all attacks as he monologues his plan, which is to go back in time to become the ruler of Rome. This raises a couple questions: why is it preferable to be the ruler of ancient Rome than being the ruler of the contemporary world; why did he go back and collect all the treasure? Oh, right, this is a Charles Band movie. No reason other than it’s in the script.

When he finishes his monologue, Iron Caesar blasts Mandroid and captures Fontana, Hunter, and Ninja in a force field. He sets the force field to shrink, cranks the powertronics up to kill, and leaves to get into his time machine. Not quite dead, Mandroid’s last act is to absorb the force field’s energy to release his friends. (Two down, three to go!)

No time for the dust in their eyes, the remaining Eliminators race to stop Iron Caesar. They make it just in time to see his time pod disappear into time. Fontana rakes his hand across a keyboard in frustration at his lack of programming skills. Not that programming skills would have help—sorry, I know, Charles Band movie. Moving on…

Wouldn’t you know it Fontana’s discouraged motion, his anti-programming skills, actually managed to send Iron Caesar back to 400 million B.C. Everyone laughs. The end.

So, returning to the idea of common knowledge, we all know that a thousand monkeys typing will will eventually produce something Shakespearean, right? Well, who knew that one UHM-tard mashing keys can instantly change delicately precise time travel settings? Therefore, coming full circle, I suppose this demonstrates that the whole, arrived from the sum of the parts which themselves are all el zilcho, is 400 million B.C.? Or, to put it in scientific notation: Charles Band Joint.

roadside attractions

  • Wonder what in the hell is going on when the opening credits shows an airplane crash, Romans, and laser burlets!
  • Facepalm when you learn the one Asian character’s son is a Ninja!
  • Marvel at the intense boat chase scene—Harry “scoundrel” Fontana cuts the wheel left and right to loose their pursuers!
  • Delight In Madroid’s mettle as he overcomes his programming with a perfunctory, “No”!
  • Be Amazed by the laser-proof mesh wind screens on the bad guy’s 3 wheelers!
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

White washed Disney fare: a bloody nose, a scraped knee, a nasty hangnail.

1

blood

BREASTS

Denise has a wet tee-shirt moment. You can vaguely make out a nipple.

10

beast

BEASTS

Iron Caesar. I never saw that coming.

4.33 OVERALL
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Feb

posted by Barry Goodall | February 25, 2014 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Cult films, Cult movies, Review by Barry Goodall

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existenz

David Cronenberg never fails to disappoint. Just when you’re needing a movie to make you feel icky again, he hits you upside the head with a ten day old trout left out the in sun too long. Yes it’s his 1999 film ExistenZ (remember to emphasis the Z with your neck extended like a baby eagle waiting for food). It’s a bit Matrix meets alien only with more gooeyness and is destined to do for chinese food what “the Fly” did for eating doughnuts. ExistenZ takes place in the near future where some Sony executives shoot up acid and decide their next game console should be made of human flesh and have nipples. Enter the marketing team saying “Hey the nipple thing is perfect, but can it plug into a bioport on your lower back with an umbilical cord too?” Wow, sign me up for two for some sweet multiplayer action or potential lower spinal paralysis!

existenzAllegra Geller (Jennifer Jason Leigh) is a leading designer of virtual reality games for these console-pods but is shot in the shoulder while attending a focus group, a known hotbed for gun violence. The Security Guard, Ted Pikul played by Jude Law, rescues her but he’s a bioport virgin and has to have one ram shackled into his spine by William Dafoe with an air wrench instead. Dafoe plays a gas station attendant who changes oil filters by day and staples firewire ports into your tramp stamp region by night. Typical Dafoe typecasting again. Once hooked into the game, Allegra and Ted take on their game characters role and become factory workers in a mutant fish slaughter house where game pods are manufactured from the fish guts. oh, and don’t forget all the free botulism.

Ted and Allegra take a lunch break at the local chinese restaurant where Ted orders the house special. It’s a simmering  side-sampler buffet of dead mutants animals encrusted in goo which Ted devours like he has a tape worm. He finshes off the meal and slurps out the entrails to constructs a gun made of bone and gristle just so that he can shoot his waiter. This means the rebels are trying to take control of the game and worst of all there will be no fortune cookies after dinner. Meanwhile, Allegra’s game pod has become infected by a computer virus which she’s hooked up to but a rebel toasts it with his portable flamethrower. The pod pops open releasing millions of infectious spores destroying the other factory game pods thus upping the level of un-believability not seen since OJ testimony. Alegra and Ted awaken finding themselves still attached to their supposed real-life game pod while snoozing in a ski-lodge which we all know this is still a virtual world because ski-lodges don’t actually exist outside of trashy romance novels. existenzMeanwhile a revolution starts up outside lead by realist rebels who are tossing around grenades and shouting things like “death to the virtual world” and other typical revolutionist banter. Ted and Alegra escape to the hills but have a gun-showdown with a competing virtual game developer who just wants them to work for his company instead. It’s a pretty effective recruiting method. I don’t want to give away the twist ending on this one except to say…it’s more of the same. There now you’re expectations aren’t too high,  Barry Goodall says put down the virtual gameboy and go a few rounds with Existenz. Just don’t do it on an full stomach.

roadside attractions

  • Bioport licking.
  • Jiffy lube organic implants
  • Umbilical cord cutting
  • Double headed salamanders (not a euphemism)
  • Tooth bullets
  • Chinese buffet of horror
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

People getting shot with teeth bullets, gory gooey entrails to help keep that gore meter up.

7

blood

BREASTS

Cronenberg goes light on the nudity for this one which is odd for a cronnenberg film.

7

beast

BEASTS

A bunch of mutant fish and lizards and weird pod creatures that hook up to your spinal column.

8 OVERALL
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Feb

Comments Off on Carnosaur 2

Carnosaur 2
1995 – R – New Horizon
83 minutes – Starring John Savage, Cliff De Young – Directed by Louis Morneau

Remember the movie Aliens, that awesome movie about a crew of misfit Colonial Marines that go to a far off planet after communications were lost with them and they battle waves of xenomorphs that bleed acid? Wouldn’t it be great if they remade that, but with dinosaurs? Really cheap ones too! Like, so cheap you’ll laugh until you’re on the floor rolling, holding your ribs in pain, wishing for it to stop. Throw in some one dimensional knock offs of each character and set designs so cheap, it looks like the movie was shot at a children’s carnival spooky house attraction and you have Carnosaur 2! It’s described as a “low budget sequel,” but I think it should have been described as a “much, much lower budget sequel.”

You could argue that the movie doesn’t exactly begin like Aliens, but that it begins like some of the deleted scenes from Aliens, but this is as about as far as the movie stretches its originality. It’s like those scenes with the colonists and Newt with her family. Actually to be fair, the beginning of this film doesn’t rip off Aliens. No, it flat out rips off that other successful James Cameron sequel, Terminator 2. In particular, the scene where John Conner is hacking an ATM machine for money, only here, the Eddie Furlong clone and friend are hacking into some storage unit in an underground super secret mine/lab to steal some dynamite or as this young Keanu Reeves inspired actor puts it, “Industrial strength blammo, dude.” Now I have to ask… why is he stealing it? What the hell is he planning (maybe it would have been better than this movie)? Anyway, the kid’s name is Jesse and his uncle who works for this facility catches them. Rather than being completely shocked as to how they broke in and why they are stealing dynamite, he just sends Jesse’s friend home and scoffs. Leaving work, Uncle Whatever-his-name-is tells Jesse not to wonder off and of course, the little creep does just that (and he has the whole 90’s grunge look to prove he doesn’t care!) only to be offered to drive a forklift for a moment and is told never to press a certain lever because IT OPENS A METAL DOOR WITH 150 FOOT DROP STRAIGHT DOWN. I’m sure this will in no way come back later in the film. Especially not the climax.

c2_2Jesse and his uncle stop at the mess hall for some grub, because it’s cheap to shoot there. We’re introduced to some cook who works there whose purpose is to hear a noise, which he thinks is coyotes. Once outside, he likes to taunt these coyotes we can’t see to provide suspense, when suddenly he hears… that clicking sound the Predator makes? Yeah, it sounds just like it, making for something else this movie rips off. As the poor guy is having his face eaten off, all I can do is sit here and ponder how the filmmakers couldn’t even have enough originality to make a dinosaur sound (hell, the trailer even rips off Jurassic Park sounds). Back inside, the dinosaurs are throwing garbage (why?) in a fit of rage and tossing people around like pro wrestlers.

After a cross dissolve, we see John Savage roll up in a jeep to another unknown location, hungover, no doubt trying to drink away the thoughts of falling not so gracefully since The Deer Hunter. Another character named Monk is introduced with the elegant line of dialogue, “So, I’m hammering this girl…” then proceeds to talk about cheating on his wife like it’s the most casual conversation. I know the intention of the writers was to provide him as comic relief, but if my first reaction is to smash this man’s esophagus, it’s not a good thing. Moving along, we are introduced to our rag tag bunch of Colonial Marines, I mean… Mercs? What are these guys supposed to be anyway? They look like janitors in their one piece, patchless uniforms. Each one of them represents a one dimensional character trait of a Colonial Marine, so when you think of these characters, you’ll be thinking of others characters from another movie. It’s a collection of D-List actors, although the only one I recognize is Miguel A Nunez Jr from Return of the Living Dead And Friday the 13th Part V, making him the only actor I can tolerate on screen. Being the film’s only ethnic person though, he doesn’t seem to have a high survival rate.

c2_3After they are woken up… ’cause they can’t call it hypersleep. This is a more realistic movie, you know… with genetically engineered killer dinosaurs. Anyway, they are debriefed on the situation by this movie’s Paul Reiser, McQuade, a pudgy, frizzled hair guy who’s even dressed like Carter Burke, bubble vest over flannel and all. Well gee, wouldn’t you know it, turns out the company lost communications with the workers inside the secret mine… just kinda like how that other movie lost communications with a planet. With no time to waste, the crew hop in their chopper, but instead of going the homo-bashing helicopter scene from Predator route (which I actually thought they were going to do), they instead play ‘Flight of The Valkyries’ on a boombox, ripping off Apocalypse Now, only here it’s not very good and makes no sense.

Once inside the facility, we get the usual “searching the perimeter” scene, until the stumble upon Newt, I mean Jesse, who is traumatized. After claiming to have searched the facility (although this is literally the only room we see them search), the team thinks they should bail, but McQuade tells them otherwise. They bicker and argue and are about to leave, but for some reason change their minds and stay, which makes the whole ten or so minutes you just sat through with them arguing completely pointless.

c2_4By now, you’re probably catching on to the beat of the movie, especially if you’ve seen Aliens: Setting up a coms room, looking at destroyed architecture, the Newt and Ripley bond… just to stretch out that moment until you finally see the dinosaurs, except when you do eventually get to see them here, it’s like looking at rubber puppets. The dinosaurs start to kill the Mercs, forcing the remaining others to flee like the cowards they are, calling for an immediate evac and this is where the film leaves me in shock. They do a shot for shot remake of the evac crashing scene, but to be honest, they got me. I didn’t see that coming. I thought, “Surely the filmmakers aren’t this lazy and stupid to copy EXACTLY every little scene that happened in Aliens,” but they got me! I was expecting Monk to cite the famous, “Game over, man!” line. So yeah, their obviously toy helicopter being blown up with firecrackers crashes, so they head back inside for the film’s exposition scene where we learn all about the dinosaurs and what McQuade is actually up to. This would have been a shocking reveal if they weren’t obviously ripping off a character from the movie they are ripping off who was revealed to have a secret agenda for the company he worked for. Bottom line, IT’S NOT A SECRET IF IT’S OBVIOUS BECAUSE YOUR AUDIENCE IS AWARE OF WHAT FILM YOU ARE KNOCKING OFF.

No more screwing around, it’s time to escape! Jesse hacks the mainframe (it’s what all kids knew how to do in the 90’s), the team goes off to collect the dynamite, McQuade tries to stop them… I really shouldn’t have to be explaining this. We’ve all seen Aliens. Speaking of, isn’t there a real crucial scene where they discover that the planets reactor is melting down? So how do they do it here? Turns out, this facility was used as a place to store nuclear warheads after the Cold War and the dinosaurs damaged it… you know, because it happened in Aliens, okay!? By now, the curtains are coming to a close and there are only a few scenes left to reenact, so I’m going to finish this up by saying once more, LITERALLY the exact same things that happened in Aliens, happen here. You do get to see the movies only moment of gore, as one of the Mercs gets their arm ripped off and then guts ripped out, so that’s worth at least a couple of rewinds. I should also mention that in place of a Queen Alien, you get a T-Rex, which to be fair, I guess would be the equivalent of that. Oh and take a guess if that forklift and the 150 foot drop make a return…

Carnosaur 2
Wow, there are rip offs, then there are blatant rip off photocopies and Carnosaur 2 goes above and beyond that. It’s so cheap, it even rips off the first movie! This movie makes films by Bruno Mattei look subtle and that guy made a career out of ripping off films. Even for a Roger Corman produced movie this is shameful. I mean, my god… it’s literally Aliens with velocioraptors… and bad acting… and crappy effects, bad music… It’s just bad, but not too unwatchably bad, since it’s worth watching for the unintentional laughs alone. It fun to see what feels like a film student’s reenactment of Aliens as a dinosaur puppet show. Since there isn’t much in the way of boobs or gore, a lot of horror fans will find it hard to sit through, even with the cheese factor going through the roof. This is a film I’m really in the middle of the road about. On one hand, it’s a piss poor excuse of a knockoff, but it’s so incredibly bad, it’s as if it makes you stupid while you watch it, so you can sit through the entire movie. But you know what the worst part is? There are three more entries in the series. We’re all doomed… DOOMED!

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Do not play a drinking game to this where you take a shot every time it rips off Aliens… you will die!
  • Jesse is if Eddie Furlong and Keanu Reeves had a baby.
  • Janitor Mercs!
  • Attack of the killer toy dinosaurs!
  • Give ’em a hand… or they spilled their guts. I don’t know which joke to go with.
  • Forklift VS. T-Rex is the poor man’s Power loader VS. Queen Alien.
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

The film usually cuts away to splash blood on the wall, but seeing a Merc get their arm torn off was pretty awesome.

0

blood

BREASTS

None boobs or cleavage. Everyone is covered up like it’s a sacred thing.

3

beast

BEASTS

These dinos are about as threatening as the plastic toys they look like. Probably only dangerous to kids 3 and under for swallowing reasons.

2.6 OVERALL
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Jan

Comments Off on Atom the Amazing Zombie Killer

Atom the Amazing Zombie Killer
2012 – Not Rated – Bizjack Flemco

Finally, a zombie movie that offers something different for a change! A zombie movie that dares to go against the boring blandness of the undisputed king of unoriginality in today’s pop culture that is the zombie genre. A film that literally takes the rules and throws them out the window and how do they accomplish this? By not having zombies in the film! Well, technically there are some zombies in the film, but we’ll get to that. Directors Richard Taylor and Zack Beins serve up a fresh, funny love letter to Troma films, complete with lots of unbridled gore and nudity.

So if there are no zombies in the film, then why call it “The Amazing Zombie Killer”? Aside from being the name of the catchy pop-punk song during an animated intro, it also just so happens that’s the name of Atom and his pals bowling team and you bet your buns they’re the best in the league! Atom and his gang are going head to head with The Slashers, run by the mohawked, sun shaded and ruthless Dario to qualify for a tournament in Hawaii. But after some treachery from The Slashers and shady bowling alley business from the owner Jeb, The Amazing Zombie Killers are barred, thus disqualifying them from participating in the tournament! Bogus! Jeb’s niece, Allie,
expresses her apologies to Atom and for a brief moment, there is a glance that may be foreshadowing, shall I say, romance?

atak_2Perhaps a quick romp with his horn-dog girlfriend Emily (the babe-licious Lindy Starr) will change his mood. Unfortunately, she’s already “taken care of business” with a bowling pin, leaving Atom to his own vices (masturbation… I’m talking about masturbation). She’s a cold calculating, bitter minx who constantly berates Atom for never paying attention to her and other, “ME! ME! ME! GIMMIE! GIMMIE! GIMMIES!” She’s the kind of girl you look at and wonder, “Who would put up with that?” and then it quickly becomes obvious why. However, Atom is far too occupied with thoughts of his grandfather and living up to his legacy. You see, Atom’s grandfather (played by none other than Lloyd Kaufman) was the best bowler back in his day and was on a team with other top notch bowlers, such as Jeb and Dario’s uncle, Ernie. Speaking of Dario and Ernie, these two are up to no good. Ernie is the sleazy owner of a used car lot (come to think of it, have you ever heard of an honest used car lot owner?) that sponsors The Slashers. This trip to Hawaii sure could be good for business, but something sinister lies beneath their motives…

Meanwhile, when he’s not up all hours of the night watching cheesy horror flicks (something I’m sure we all can relate to), Atom tries to make amends with Emily by promising her a date night with the classic choice of dinner and a movie, which goes over about as well as you think it would when Atom’s friends show up and they all watch “Dr. Chaotica’s House of Toxic Zombies,” which I have to say that I hope one day becomes a real film. This is where the gore starts, showcasing a pregnant zombie giving birth in a disgusting manner (think of a catcher’s mitt full of green Jell-O and lasagna). This causes Emily to reasonably vomit all over herself, forcing Atom to take her home where the two have a fight. Even after proving he cares about her by licking the vomit off her bosom, she leaves him for good. She slams the door shut which knocks his grandpa’s bowling trophy off a shelf, smacking him on the forehead leaving a large, oozing bump and rendering him unconscious.

atak_3This is when the movie turns up the raunchiness, unloads buckets of gore and piles on the gross out gags, revealing its true nature. While Emily is “burying the bone” in the graveyard with Dario, Atom is in a daze and hallucinating that everyone is a zombie (oh, so that’s where zombies come in)! I blame all those horror movies. He does what any lunatic having psychotic hallucinations that the dead are walking the Earth would do; go on a killing spree, just as a pair of unsuspecting Jehovah’s Witnesses come to his door (director cameos!). Atom disembowels one and smashes the head of the other with his bowling ball, resulting in rain of chunky blood and bone. Carnage continues as Atom butchers a gardener for his weed whacker and tears an outdoor yoga class to shreds, runs over a construction who explodes like Emil from Robocop and even guns down a few pallbearers… and the corpse in the coffin they are carrying, which just so happens to fall on Atom! Now he believes he is bit and turning into one of the undead creatures.

Amidst the chaos, The Amazing Zombie Killers have been invited back to the bowling alley, thanks to Allie convincing her uncle to give them another chance, to rematch The Slashers for another chance to go to Hawaii. However, Atom never received this message because he was out slaughtering people… plus, Dario deleted Allie’s phone message she left on his answering machine (do people still have those?)! The diabolical scum! With the bumbling cops hot on his trail and the rematch only moments away, Atom will need to snap out of his daze in order to help his friends win that trip to Hawaii and while he’s at it, maybe learn the dark secret behind his grandfather’s death.

Here’s a movie that says, “Let’s have fun!” It reminds me of something like a WB sitcom or bizarro Hanna Barbera cartoon amalgamate, blending copious amounts of gore and gag humor in true Troma-like inspired fashion. As silly, boppy music noodled along to the antics of these outlandish characters, often their gestures cued with over the top sound effects, I was always expecting a laugh track. Stating the obvious, it’s a movie that’s self aware and uses all of the regular b-movie charms; hammy acting, gore and nudity, to their fullest extent, playing them off for laughs or to make your stomach turn and it works.

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Atom the Amazing Zombie Killer
Rather than make a zombie movie to cash in on the sub-genre’s popularity (which seems to be the thing to do these days), Richard Taylor and Zack Beins made a genuine film, did something very diverse with it and it comes off as a genuine homage to what it’s trying to do. That’s mostly due because the filmmakers are legitimate fans of these types of films and it shows. I was laughing the entire time watching the film with a genuine smile, because what they set out to accomplish was shining through. Unfortunately, this type of movie isn’t for everyone, but if you dig the repugnant high jinks of Troma-esque films, then Atom the Amazing Zombie Killer is for you! And I would also like to be the first person to quote, “It’s a strike!” Get it? Bowling pun.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Rock and Bowl!
  • Emily shows you there is more than one use for a bowling pin…
  • Zombie birth.
  • Vomit licking.
  • Pilates of death!
  • Road work a-head.
  • Picking up a spare.
totals

9

blood  

BLOOD

It may take a little time to get to it, but when it does, you’ll wish you brought a rain coat!

7

blood  

BREASTS

The promiscuous Emily will titillate you (emphasis on the first half of that word).

 

7

beast  

BEASTS

 

As if Atom’s hands weren’t full of the undead, he also has to deal with that scumbag Ernie, Dario and the rest of The Slashers.

7.6 OVERALL
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Jan

posted by Barry Goodall | January 25, 2014 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Leprechaun 2

leprechaun2


Just when you thought it was safe to eat Lucky Charms again, along comes Leprechaun 2. This time the leprechaun is in love and will stop at nothing to get his bride. It’s the equivalent of a midget psychopath with an E-harmony account. In medieval Ireland when people weren’t dying of the black death, they’re usually dealing with leprechaun infestations. Warwick Davis plays one such magical irishman whose been hankering for a little dwarf love on his 1000th birthday. He’s got his eyes set a local peasant girl. She’s a fair maiden who enjoys nighttime laundry cleaning. Fortunately her dad whose been a forced slave of the Leprechaun puts the kibosh on the wedding plans when he breaks up it’s spell of sneezes. Yes, many Irish spells revolve around chronic outdoor allergies. This ticks of the little green guy who ends up sulking in a magic tree trunk for a few more centuries and work on growing out his mullet.


Flash forward to the 1990’s and a con artist, Cody and his drunk uncle Morty have been touring around in a hearse taking tourists money and creeping out the old folks at the senior center. Cody’s girlfriend Bridget, a descendent of the peasant girl comes along for the ride hoping to play a bit of putt-putt later with Cody (not a euphemism.) Meanwhile, A hobo’s gold filling lures the old Leprechaun out of hiding and starts stalking Bridget hoping to make her his new bride and baby mama. He puts her in a choke collar and teleports her back to his tree cave prison for a shotgun wedding but before he can perform the ceremony he discover one of his precious gold coins was snatched away by Cody. He must “have his gold” so he leaves Bridget chained to a rock and heads back to town to track him down.


leprechaun2Cody has been trying to convince Morty of the Leprechaun, but he doesn’t believe him until they both go to the local bar and the Leprechaun shows up for a St. Patty’s day drinking showdown. Even a leprechaun can’t out drink an alcoholic. Before he can claim victory, the leprechaun smashes Morty on the head with a whiskey bottle and hides out in a hipster coffee shop to sober up and face melt a snarky barista. Cody and Morty trick the leprechaun into a iron safe but Morty can’t resist the lure of 3 free wishes and locks Cody in the closet while he ends up with a stomach full of gold coins instead. That’s a heck of lot harder to pass than a kidney stone. With his last wishes, Morty accidentally frees the leprechaun who then slices him open like a sunday ham. and somewhere a bartender decides to close early.

Cody tracks down the leprechauns secret love lair and has to do fight with the little guy through a battle of wits which can hopefully can save Bridget from a life of leprehacuan diaper changing once and for all. L2 is not really on par with the first Leprechaun film which had Jennifer Aniston, but this one did have a brief cameo by Clint Howard which is about as good as it gts. Barry Goodall says check out Leprechaun 2, it’s magically malicious.

roadside attractions

  • Levitating and neck snapping
  • Homeless dental surgery
  • Glowing trees
  • Tree-fu
  • Finger rippin’ good
  • Propeller to the face
  • Remote choke collar
  • Snuggie blackets
  • Leprechaun drool
  • Irish go-carting
  • Espresso of death
  • Hit and run leprechaun
  • Skeleton wrestling
  • Exploding midgets
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

A finger gets chopped, a stomach sliced, but it’s surprisingly light on the red stuff. There’s a lot of high blood alcohol levels though if that counts for anything.

7

blood

BREASTS

Stunt Double breasts? sure, we don’t discriminate but wish they’d jump through a flaming hoop over some buses.

7

beast

BEASTS

One little leprechaun who can’t stop rhyming like a midget vanilla ice with more talent.

7.9 OVERALL
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