Tagline: A Science Fiction Horror Adventure That’ll Blow You Away!
Year: 1982 Runtime: 77 min
Director: Allan Holzman
Writer: Tim Curnen
Starring: Jesse Vint, Dawn Dunlap, June Chadwick
I knew I was in for some quality entertainment when the first thing I noticed was the Rent-a-center Stormtrooper. Lucas, or more precisely his lawyers, didn’t bother to go after Forbidden World because its stormtrooper is gray and uhm-tarded. Cheap whore, thy name is Roger Corman. God love him.
Space Food Pirates™ are in the sector and up to no good. Luckily SAM-104, the gray stormtrooper robot thing, knows what to do—put on some classical music ‘cos it’s out of copyright, erhm… I mean… ‘cos it makes for a classy space battle scene. Oh yeah, and wake Space Troubleshooter Extraodinare™ Mike Colby. If anyone can handle Space Food Pirates™, Mike can.
Normally the stasis revival process is a banal procedure but due to Colby’s ESTP, Extraordinary Space Troubleshooter Perceptions™, as he is coming out of stasis he experiences clairvoyant flashes. These flickering images of things to come are in no way explained. One only knows what these random things are once they sat through the movie. In other words, it’s a hot mess of confusing things-that-are-happening, all of which are completely out of context. There is, however, quite a few breast shots, even a nice girl/girl shower frame, to help distract from the complete lack of coherency.
Enough of that, there’s a space battle to be had. (The editing, like the review so far, is a bit ADD.)
Naturally the space battle is handled with the same brilliance and attention to detail. Namely, Colby and SAM pilot their ship by throwing switches and pushing buttons, which everyone knows is MUCH easier than using a joystick. Amirite? So, after a few flips, mashes, and a completely unconvincing, I mean, absolutely nerve wrecking power outage, the Space Food Pirates™ are destroyed. Phew. That chewed up some runtime.
Realizing that none of this has advanced the film’s plot, SAM steers things back on course, quite literally, by changing their destination. Whereas Colby and SAM were originally headed home for some much needed R&R, now Galactic Head Quarters has called them back to duty. Something has gone wrong in the genetic research station on the remote planet of Xarbia and only Colby can set it right. When you know excellence you ask for it by name, which makes their choice of Colby completely baffling.
The research facility is working on “the food problem”. Though never explicitly detailed—they haven’t explained anything yet in this film so why start now—from context I guessed the problem to be there’s not enough food to go around. GHQ created the Xarbia lab, with state of the art equipment to tackle the issue. No expense was spared when outfitting it. Well… with the tools at least. Where the staff is concerned, eh, not so much. It was placed on Xarbia to allow for more “risky” experimentation than could be done elsewhere. That is to say, they put the idiots as far away as possible in case they made an oopsie.
When you spare no expense to equip morons with tools to manipulate genes, hilarity, and/or burning, explosive diarrhea is sure to follow.
These people can’t really be idiots/morons, can they? Considering the immense financial burden of such an undertaking, not to mention the possible cost to humanity if they were to fail, I use the terms idiots and morons because there’s not a stronger term without resorting to expletives. These mental giants’ best idea is to splice genes of various plants and animals with Proto B. Proto B is this crazy bacteria that multiplies like rabbits on Spanish Fly while constantly changing genetic structure. It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to work out the obvious catastrophe here. Two immediately come to mind:
- With such a reproductive rate might it not eventually take over everything, destroying all in its path. You know, like cancer?
- If it’s constantly changing genetic structure might it not eventually become something that is NOT food? It might be a cow-like thing, then a pretty flower-like thing, then a goat-like thing, then a deadly virus-like thing, then a testicle-like thing, then a genetic mutant killing machine-like thing, etc., etc.?
Uh. This kind of depravity makes The Baby Einstein cry. And we all know that when The Baby Einstein cries Herr Schrödinger’s cat dies.
Yet, just when you think the madness has plateaued… The genetic mutant destroys the lab, claims his first human victim, and breaks out of the airtight, sterile environment. What does everyone do? They go night-night, of course. Everyone together now: What could POSSIBLY go wrong?
By night-night I mean it’s time for the sex scene. Sort of. There’s nudity but what is happening defies description, though I’ll do my best. The ambience is set with porn reject music synthesized through a voice box as someone is violently barfing. The hoochi-coochi lick ‘em yum yums is more like two blind people in the throes of grand mal seizures while playing twister than people making love. To make it even less sexy, the lurvin’ is interspersed with shots of the security guard hunting the genetic mutant. It goes something like this: Boob. Jump cut. Mutant. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Thigh. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Mutant. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Shoulder. What in the hell is the editor trying to convey here? I was so confused I had to watch my dog clean his junk for about an hour before the world made sense again.
Where the crews’ actions exemplify their doltishness, their dialogue is the fly slurping in mindless bliss on a puddle of Space Scientist Affluence™.
Space Scientist: “This creature is intelligent.”
Colby: “How do you figure that?”
Uhm, maybe because it has strategically cut off all escape and communication. Oh, and it’s “keyed into the computers.” Most importantly it’s half human. Wait… What?!? Half human? Aren’t they supposed to be making an alternate food source? Subject 20 is people!
Space Scientist: “Here it comes. This is the analysis of the gelatinous tissue. This should tell me what it is made of.”
Really? What’dya know. So that’s what ANALYSIS means.
Ah, but the coup de grace is truly the feather in Forbidden World’s cap. How do you kill a genetic mutant? Feed it cancer. It’s all very scientific. I’ll ’splain it terms that even the personnel on Xarbia station can understand. Cancer instantly reacts with the genetic mutant’s genetics causing it to vomit a genetic hallucinogenic foam. Then it dies. Meanwhile the foam causes anyone in the vicinity to relive the movie. It’s called a Space Runtime Filler™, and the main effect is free footage to pad out the movie to a feature-length. For those keeping record, these visions are exactly mostly the same flashes from the beginning. Mostly. Getting triple use out of the footage, classic Corman.
Lastly, there is a “Director’s Cut” with an additional 5 minutes of footage. I can’t imagine what didn’t make the original cut that just HAD to be re-released as the definitive version of the film. Plus, with all the padding, who decided to cut the footage to begin with? Sigh. Regardless, it’s in my netflix queue, so I’ll let you know when I find out.
Watch the trailer for “Forbidden World”