On April 5-7, 2013, I invaded Strongsville, Ohio for Cinema Wasteland, and had an absolute blast! I got to spend time with all the Wasteland family, and got to meet one of my true heroines, Brinke Stevens. There was a Slumber Party Massacre reunion with a screening and a panel with cast and crew, 42nd Street Pete had a great talk with Gary Kent, A. Ghastlee Ghoul’s Ghastlee Night at the Movies, Tom Sullivan’s Evil Dead museum, and so much more; but the true highlight of my weekend was going to the screening of Blood Orgy at Beaver Lake with the crew from Silver Bullet Pictures and Troma.
The movie began with a warning, followed by one of the best animated credit sequences I have ever seen, and just about the best theme song in the world. You know from the jump that you are going to see plenty of the 3 B’s.
So the flick opens with two of Mr. Delicious’ lady-goons, Joey and Taffy, on the way to Dr. Bung’s laboratory to see if he has finished making the new street drug for them to sell. Dr. Bung and his assistant, Larry are hard at work, because the new drug: Sextacy 69 (A mix of Cocaine, Ecstacy, and Viagra) isn’t quite ready.
They show the ladies a video showing the day that Scott Baio, the test monkey is given a dose, and he goes… well… bananas, and ends up violently… loving Larry’s face, which why he’s in a neck brace.
It hasn’t been tested on humans yet, but the goons force a dose into him, because Mr. D is tired of waiting on his drug.
Dr Bung turns into a sex-crazed zombie, complete with a gigantic… er… appendage, and kills Larry the only way a sex-crazed zombie with a gigantic appendage knows how kill a man, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. The goons shoot Dr. Bung and the reanimated Larry, then decide to get rid of the bodies.
They tell Mr. D that Dr. Bung and Larry have run off with his merchandise to Beaver Lake. (In this scene, you’ll see Troma’s very own Lloyd Kaufman as newscaster Harry Ballsonya, reporting on the escapades of the dreaded “Chicken Clucker.”) They decide to go ahead and dump the barrel holding what’s left of the doctor and his unfortunate assistant in Beaver Lake.
Then we cut to a car full of happy campers (Dick, Candy, Peter, Mandy, and Bertha) on their way to a weekend of fun and sun at Beaver Lake. They ignore the warnings of the wise old man, and continue on their way.
They meet up with their stoner friends, Jerry and Terry, at the ol’ camper and scare away a beaver. They have a happy little renunion; but they’re being spied on by a couple of the hillbilly locals, Cleetus and Clem, who plan on joining the party uninvited. Cleetus is the one with the brains, and tells Clem to get lost and let him watch the fillies, so he sits down and has a strange fantasy where he marries the Destructo Ducko, the centerfold from Quackwhore Magazine. I’ll not spoil what happens for you. That’s a gift for you.
The goons have to stop for directions on the way to Beaver Lake, (Which they get from a feller named ‘Stinky Thumbs.’ I’ll let you get the full effect of that), and bananas for their daquiris, but Taffy doesn’t latch the hatchback when they leave, and the barrel full of Dr. Bung, Larry, and the Sextacy 69 rolls out the back of the truck and into the woods.
The party is rocking at Beaver Lake, everybody’s dancing and getting high; playing volleyball and cavorting around the Beaver Lake park. All seems right with the world… for now. They go back to the camper, toasting and reminiscing. Somebody spills a drink on Mandy, and it’s time for a gratuitous shower scene, complete with peeping hillbilly Clem touching himself in a way that requires confession. He makes a little too much noise, and she almost catches him. He runs into the woods to his still, where we find that Cletus is not happy with the latest batch of moonshine.
Our friend, the Beaver, has found the barrel of goo and starts to eat it, whereupon it has the same effect that it had on Scott Baio. Namely, boooiiiinnnngggg! This makes Cletus notice the barrel, and he tastes it, too! Cleetus and Clem add the goo to their ’shine, and are thrilled with the results.
They decide to take it home to momma, but on the way, the chemicals start to take effect. Cletus and Clem don’t look too good, and they warn Momma not to drink too much, but she guzzles a snoot-full. It turns her into a smoke-farting sex-monster who does unholy things with a turkey leg, and I’ll tell you good people right now, you will see something that will make you scream out loud in terror and joy. After Momma slings her love-slime all over the place, the boys leave in search of some ladies of their own.
Meanwhile, Joey and Taffy find that Beaver snacking on the remnants of the Sextacy 69, and shoo him off, following the trail to Cletus and Clem’s house.
By now, the tainted ‘shine has fully taken ahold of Cleetus and Clem, and they attack two topless joggers, spreading the sex-madness further around Beaver Lake. Poor Bertha goes for a late night swim, and is beset upon by our randy pair of rednecks, who behead her, and perform fenal acts upon her remains.
Joey and Taffy find the barrell at momma’s house, and go inside, where Momma has been abusing herself with the ‘drilldo.’ If you have to ask what that is, you’ll never know. They ventilate her tumescent zombie hide.
Dick and Candy have been searching for Bertha by the lake, and they get attacked by one of the topless zombie joggers, and bite the… dust. Or get bitten by it. At least, Dick gets something bitten off. Whatever. Keep watching.
Jerry and Terry are staying at the camper in case Bertha comes back, but they’re taken out. Jerry’s head gets squashed like a 2-week old cantaloupe, and Terry gets eaten. Things have just got cray-cray.
Dick has shuffled his way to Momma’s cabin, and attacks the goonettes. Taffy gets bitten before Joey can shoot him, and they run from the hoarde of hot-to-trot zombies. They run into Peter and Mandy, who are enjoying nature (wink-wink), and then they all run to a cabin and lock themselves inside. They’re down to four bullets, and Joey has to use one to dispatch Taffy after she turns.
All the sexified zombies have surrounded them, and it looks like everyone is about to get bitten and bangulated. All of a sudden, our Beaver pal is outside and drinks a snoot-full of the tainted ’shine, and morphs into a man-sized beaver with a gigantic appendage of his own. He was so ready to rock, they could have called him Axl.
Everyone goes outside the cabin, and the Beaver… well… um, let’s say Gallagher has nothing on this fella. His… um… beaver gravy (can I say that? Beaver gravy?) melts the zombies, and saves the day, walking off into the moonlight.
I have to tell you, I stood up and cheered at the end of this movie. I had the pleasure of sitting in front of the writer/director, Mike Hartman, and got to share an adult beverage with him and several other folks involved in this beautiful picture.
Blood: Gallons, just like you’d expect. Not like Niagra Falls, but a good, healthy amount of blood.
Breasts: 25. God Bless America.
Beasts: Scott Baio, Dr. Bung’s Appendage, Stinky Thumbs, Cletus, Clem, Momma, Chicken Clucker, 2 Topless Zombie Joggers, Zombie Dick, Zombie Candy, Zombie Terry, and of course, the Beaver. Dear Lord, the Beaver.
Science-fu, Monkey-Fu, Beaver-fu, Chicken clucking, People making the sign of the epileptic wombat all over the place, heads roll, appendages roll, and the second-highest breast count I’ve seen since Black Candles. There is nothing socially redeeming in this movie, and no lessons learned. Scott Baio was not harmed during the making of this movie.
Check out the trailer for “Blood Orgy”