Archive for the 'B-movies' Category

Oct

posted by Doktor | October 3, 2013 | 70's b-movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

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Tagline: Where Fantasies are Real & Reality is Fantastic.

Year: 1978           Runtime: 105 min

Director: Kinji Fukasaku

Writer: Kinji Fukasaku (story), Shôtarô Ishinomori (story), Masahiro Noda (story), Hirô Matsuda (writer)

Starring: Shin’ichi Chiba, Vic Morrow, Philip Casnoff

I swear I intended to steer clear of sci fi for a few reviews, but this is Japanese Star Warsploitation. I couldn’t help myself. The movie is 90% Rent-a-Center versions of Star Wars characters, vehicles and music, but that’s what makes it so ALMOST actionable on copyright infringement grounds. And totally AWE-some!

The movie opens on Jillucia (pronounced Jill-OO-see-ah), a once beautiful and verdant planet. It’s peaceful inhabitants, the Jillucians (pronounced Jill-OO-see-ahns) were slaughtered by the evil Gavanas. The battle is described by a narrator, “The Jillucians were no match for the steel-skinned Gavanas.” Which is mostly misleading. Actually, the Jillucians were no match for the Gavanas’s laser burlets. Jillucians are pretty much the Tiananmen Square tank guys of space. Except the Jillucians are Tree Huggin’ Space Hippies™. And the tanks stopped for the Unknown Protester. And we still remember and care about the Unknown Protester.

With the Jillucians almost extinct, Wise Grandmaster Grandfather the Green lets loose eight Magic Space Walnuts™. They have a special tracking power which homes in on the Eight Heroes who will save Jillucia from the evil Gavanas. Once loosed, he realizes that it would behoove them to have someone go along to explain what in the hell the Magic Space Walnuts™ mean. Wise Grandmaster Grandfather the Green chooses his granddaughter for the job. She and one brave volunteer jump in the Space Schooner and leisurely float off whichever way. They’re nowhere near fast enough to follow the Magic Space Walnuts™, so why strain, right?

Then there are some lovely scenes of the Gavanas, a race of war hungry Rent-a-Center Power Ranger Villains, being menacing. Glower. Ominous. Black. Oooooo. They’re angry because of their Emperor, Rockseia XLL (pronounced Rock-SAY-ah-X-L-L). Rockseia XLL is angry because of his confusing biology—his mom is a dude. Kind of like Eric Cartmen. Except Emperor Rockseia’s mom is a Native American Power Ranger Villain. And Liane Cartman is a crack whore. And, most importantly, we still watch and like Eric Cartmen.

Then some smashing scenes establishing the characters of the Eight Heroes. Rent-a-Center Princess Leia tapping on the window of her space ship to get the attention of passing Space Hot Shots. Space Hot Shots buzzing through an asteroid field running from the Space Police. A Space Vegas Show. Space General Garuda’s touching funeral for his personal robot, i.e. sending a junked robot into space in a Vikingesque funeral aboard an expensive rocket. Swimming through asteroid fields to catch Space Fire Flies. Et cetera.

Then there’s a bunch of moaning and groaning. The Eight Heroes don’t want to be the chosen ones. They throw/give away their Magic Space Walnuts™. Boo-hoo. Then they do want to be the chosen ones. Then some get their Magic Space Walnuts™ back. The one who doesn’t throws the Emo Pity Party™.  Then a couple of them get kidnapped. It’s a hot mess. Et cetera.

Eventually Emperor Rockseia XLL decides to go on a Space Road Trip™. They fire up the engines on Jillucia and head to Earth. At this point Jillucia becomes a Rent-a-Center Death Star.

At Earth Rockseia XLL destroys the moon as a warning to humanity that he means business. Wilzyx and millions of frolicking Orcas suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. Powerful. Heart breaking. An inspiring scene to end all inspiring scenes.

If there’s a Rent-a-Center Death Star there has to be a Rent-a-Center trench run. Kinji Fukasaku ups the ante. Message From Space has two trench runs! The first comes when the Space Hot Shots go to Jillucia to team up with the Jillucians. The Space Hot Shots rig their ships to join, ala the God Pheonix of Battle of the Planets/G Force/Gatchaman, but much less cool. The main ship in this junkyard Voltron is a Rent-a-Center Ebon Hawk from KOTOR. When they approach Jillucia they split up, fly through a bit of the trench, then join back together before landing. What does this accomplish? Nothing. It’s not even particularly cool. So, yeah, why not?

The second Rent-a-Center trench run is the Final Boss Battle. It’s a mix of the rebel attack on the Death Star and Tron vs MCP. The Space Hot Shots fly through the exhaust port tunnel thing down to the reactor. There, they shoot the spinning thingie, stopping it, which uncovers the opening they have to target. Pew… Pew… Pew… Boom… Exploision.

Meanwhile, as the space battle is raging (i.e. before the pew… pew… pew…  boom… explosion), there’s the Rent-a-Center Vader vs Obi Wan fight. But this time Vader gets a mud hole stomped in him. It’s because Vader is played by a milksop and Obi Wan is played by Sonny Chiba. The problem is, because Chiba wrecks shop, there’s no touching moment where the old guy sacrifices his life empowering the next generation to seek their glory.

Oh, wait. There is that moment. Wise Grandmaster Grandfather the Green deliberately misses the Space Schooner to Valinor. The Jillucians have one more Space Schooner in dry dock collecting Space Spider Webs. It’s so old that they have to literally crank start the reactors. While the suspense completely ruined my pedicure (I chew my nails when I’m nervous, a’ight), I’ll let you in on a little secret… They make it. Yay! You’re mani/pedi can thank me later.

Message From Space ends with is shot of the Jillucian Space Schooner flying past Earth propelled courageously by cheesy Spaghetti Western music. Toei Company, LTD really knows how to go out with a bang.

You can watch Message From Space in it’s entirety for free, here.

roadside attractions

  • Delight in the continual consumption of Space Tomatoes™!
  • Hearken to the music which sounds suspiciously similar to Leia’s Theme!
  • Marvel at the final 50 Jillucians! (Kinda shallow for a gene pool, innit?)
  • Witness Aaron the Space Hot Shot’s contribution to Haute Couture: Rainbow Suspenders!
  • Revel in the courageously “out” robosexual couple General Garuda and Beba Two (pronounced babe-AH 2)!
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

There’s a couple fist fights and a couple busted lips. Most of the killing is by laser burlets, but the effects are futurific.

0

blood

BREASTS

I don’t know if I should penalize the movie for this though. The movie came out in 1978, and breasts wouldn’t have been invented in Japan for another couple decades.

10

beast

BEASTS

Lots of groovy Power Ranger style villains.

6 OVERALL
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Oct

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In post-apocalyyptic America international border disputes aren’t settled with trade embargoes, they’re solved with giant robots and laser beams while guitars blasts “They’re coming to America” over the loud speakers. Yes, It’s Robot Jox the biggest game of rock em’ sock em’ robots ever made. This time it’s the Russians turn as the evil super power trying to steal our land and likely pipe vodka through Alaska, but not if team USA can stop em first. Gary Graham stars as Achilles, the cocky and illiterate champion robot jox who leads a team of trainee that like to yell out “Crash and Burn” whenever someone needs a high five. His killbot career is going well until a match against a Russian named “alexander” makes it the biggest U.S. Russian brawl since Rocky 4. Unfortunately there’s no training montage and Achilles accidentally crushes a crowd of fans while diving in front of a wayward missile.  Have we learned nothing from Nascaar accidents? Achilles retires in shame taking on a full time bar stool warming job at the local cantina drinking away his shame. Meanwhile a genetically engineered and uncomfortably manly looking pilot trainee named Athena is climbing jungle gyms while her classmates fall to their death . She and Achilles have some awkward romantic moments in the hallway so when he learns that Athena was selected to battle Alexander, he decides to come out of retirement to protect her.

RobotJoxAthena  is furious with Achilles for taking her spot so she kick punches his face and drugs him at his apartment and disguises herself in his space suit instead. He awakens later not very upset since that’s usually how his first dates go anyways. Meanwhile, his managing cowboy “Tex Conway”  is discovered by their team engineer rigging the fights for the U.S. to lose. Tex shoots him in the head but forgets he was being recorded so tosses himself off a balcony to his death, cowboy hat and all. Back in the battle arena, Athena is getting pummeled by the Russian robot and Achilles has to jump in and try to save her. After battling the chainsaw crotched mech, Achilles crashes to the ground and the two pilots have battle man to man in a Star Trek staff fight with some robot shrapnel. Achilles gives a speech about world peace and good sportsmanship which leads to an awkward fist pump as the two become best buds, I kid you not.

Obviously not a lot of plot to get in the way of the action. Basically it’s just 2 robots tossing rockets and lasers at each other while at some  point one of them gets dry humped with a crotch chainsaw. Definitely check this one out, I give it 4 out of 5 Pacific Rims.

roadside attractions

  • Referee smashing
  • Crotch chainsaw
  • Crowd smashing
  • Jungle gym of death
  • Flying fist of robot fury
  • Gratuitous use of the term “Crash and Burn”
totals

4

blood

BLOOD

Not much gore in this one but plenty of heavy metal damage.

5

blood

BREASTS

No breasts shots, but we get some hinder shots in this one.

9

beast

BEASTS

Giant robots and a burly russian.

8.5 OVERALL
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Sep

posted by Doktor | September 27, 2013 | 80's b-movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

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Tagline: Their beat and music knocked them dead!!

Year: 1985          Runtime: 81 min

Director: Mats Helge (as Mike Jackson)

Writer: Mats Helge (as Mike Jackson) & Anna Wolf

Starring: Jeff Harding, Michael Fitzpatrick, Naomi Kaneda

When will stupid kids learn, huh? Hopefully never, right? If teenagers/twenty-somethings ever got a clue it would absolutely devastate the horror genre. What the genre can do without is the perpetuation of the stereotype of the violent drunk hillbilly that lives down by the rail road tracks. I mean, everyone comes from a family of 6 + young ‘uns. And yeah, Pa likes him some drinkin’, and fightin’, but when Ma comes out of the coma Pa gives her some sweet lovin’. It ain’t all bad.

So, just ‘cos yer Ma dun killed yer Pa after that one fight where he tried to slit her throat, that don’t mean you’re gonna end up hiding from society for 40 years in an abandoned factory. Come on, Sweden (where the film was made), it’s 2013 for Christ’s sake. Can’t we all just get along? You know, like back WWII when the Nazi’s came with all that gold. And even though this film came out in 1985… well, erhm…

So, 40 years later along comes this band, Solid Gold, with their spandex pants, leopard print shirts, lace bandanas, and big Aqua Net™ hair and an entourage of bimbos looking for a place to shoot their next video. We’re talking 80’s Hair Metal, so what could possibly be better than at a desolate mountain cabin? A desolate mountain cabin with a condemned factory within walking distance—that just happens to be home to a mess of Oberen Schweizer Alpen Mountain Folk, or Play-Doh Faced Hillbillies™ in the common vernacular.

Confronted with sinners and heathens of this magnitude what’s a mess of Play-Doh Faced Hillbillies™ to do? Kill ‘em all, of course!

Quick Explanatory Note: I call them Play-Doh Faced Hillbillies™ because they all look like they’ve been caked with Play-Doh. One has a Neanderthal brow, one looks like like Freddy Krueger, another looks like a pepperoni pizza, and one looks like Ben Grimm. Funny thing is they all start off looking normal; grimy, but normal. As the movie progresses they get worse, which is strange because the movie takes place over one day.

The story plays out like this: There’s the obligatory video shoot, which makes for the LAMEST. VIDEO. EVAR. Even for Swede Glam Rock. There’s an avalanche, which cuts the shoot short. Then some gratuitous partying and hanging out. Another avalanche, which cuts a backseat jam session short. Then dinner is served. At this point, just like the audience, Dave, the sound guy, gets bored with the filler. He decides to prod along the plot by going out to capture some of the sounds of the avalanche. Hours AFTER they’ve happened. In the spooky, abandoned factory. In the dark. Without a flashlight.

Guess what happens?

Good thing his girl follows. Well, not so good for him, but good for the tape deck he’s carrying. That was some expensive equipment. Plus it’s an important plot device. When they play back the recording they hear him being attacked. This rallies the troops to mount a rescue. Considering the quality of the men in the posse, I think he would be better off if the bimbos went looking for him.

One bimbo and Kee Marcello (yes, famed guitarist of Europe) are too busy making out to keep up with the search party. I can’t blame them it was only the sound guy, but because of this guess who life is on The Final Countdown? It’s sad because the bimbo dies before her time. By “her time” I mean before she got naked. She does die via an elaborate trap, something similar to Rube Goldberg machines the villains used against Batman and Robin in the 60’s TV series. I couldn’t quite make it out though. Something with a rope, pulleys, and a couple 50 gallon barrels. It splattered blood all over Bob the director’s face (and ONLY his face) so it must have been sweet!

The murders continue on the the usual slasher-hunting-down-the-idiot-kids-one-at-a-time way. Because of the size of the band (five members), the groupies (six bimbos), the hair dresser, and the film crew (three: director, camera man and sound man), there were lots of death scenes. Unfortunately the film was lit by a couple bic lighters, so you have to use your imagination. From the moans and groans it sounded like the victims were passing kidney stones. Having suffered through them myself, all I can say is, “Yee-ouch!”

During all this hilarity, the “real” rescue team can’t make it out to the cabin. Hero Guy, Steve or Bob or Fred—I get them confused because they all had unbelievable names—has to go through all kinds of hell to track down a snowmobile, which I guess is a rare in Sweden in the winter. Even more so when there’s an emergency. Thing is, the roads he takes on the snowmobile would easily have allowed for a bigger vehicle. What’s more there’s no storm, so visibility is good. Plus there’s no cross winds to thwart the choppa, so there’s no reason why he couldn’t just fly up. Oh. Right. It’s not in the script. Well, at least not until everyone who needs to die is dead.

At the climax Elder Brother (hillbilly) pleads with the kidnapped bimbos to stop all the killing. Uhm, up to this point it was your crazy family, which you admitted were animals, who were doing all the killings. Maybe you should take this up with them, hoss.

Finally there’s the unnecessary injustice. Hero Guy blows off Elder Brother’s arm. Elder Brother was just grabbing Final Girl’s ankle from under the stairs ‘cos he didn’t want her to go off without her cross necklace. Sheesh! Overreact much?

You can watch Blood Tracks in it’s entirety for free, here.

roadside attractions

  • Watch the world renowned Swedish civic duty as a man flops into action by sternly saying, “Murderer,” several times!
  • Bask in the hedonistic glory of a Hair Metal video that rivals any Sunday Funday activities at the local retirement home. Rock! \m/
  • Cringe at Bob the director, the world’s most uptight man, as he goes from zero to aneurysm, instantly, again and again!
  • Listen to the grunting hillbilly who sounds exactly like Tim Allen.
  • Thrill the AWE-some Acting Skills™ ooze from the band Easy Action as they play themselves in the even cooler band Solid Gold!
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Ever wonder what Swedes do with leftover lingonberry sauce? Makes great blood.

4

blood

BREASTS

Couple quick flashes. Meh.

8

beast

BEASTS

Family of Play-Doh Faced Hillbillies™. Yeowza!

6 OVERALL
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Sep

Comments Off on The Nest

The Nest
1988 – R – MGM

Bugs, cockroaches specifically, are often considered to be “gross” or “icky” by the laymen. Yes, they’re creepy, they’re crawly and feared by the population. People will crush them with a book or whatever blunt instrument they have nearby. And yet, we idolize them. Countless numbers of toys are molded in their image, constructed like statues to honor our insect gods and Halloween is their day, as their image is molded into tasty treats for the little kiddies to eat. Thousands of movies feature them as the star, but always as the villain. Seems like those pesky cockroaches can’t catch a break. Fear and loved simultaneously, can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. They always seem to be causing problems, like in the not-so-smash-hit-feature, The Nest.

nest_3Take the small island of North Port, for example. Talk a about a big bug problem! Sheriff Richard Tarbell not only has this issue to deal with, but also the fact that he’s a stereotyped small town, 80’s sheriff. His mop haircut blankets a good portion of his head and apparently they only had the budget for half a uniform, since he’s always wearing jeans. A lot of movies in the 80’s dressed their local police up like they found a handful of Sheriff’s tops at a thrift store, but couldn’t find the pants. Oh and what would our cliched Sheriff be if he weren’t in cahoots with Mayor Elias’ daughter, who just came back and the reason they broke up was because she left? Oh and his current girlfriend works at the diner, because that’s the only other occupation in a small town. Haven’t you ever seen Squirm or the remake of The Blob? Luckily, he has his oddball exterminator friend, Homer, who I swear belongs in a video game. Seriously, the guy bops around on a busted moped, wearing glasses, a Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts. Tell me you don’t see this character somewhere in Grand Theft Auto. Anyway, Homer has been noticing that his gas isn’t killing these roaches. Something different about these ones.

This is where the evil corporation, INTEC comes in, who are in cahoots with Mayor Elias. All we know for now is that INTEC is doing “stuff” and the mayor is getting money. Hey, good enough for me. Actually it turns out they have been experimenting with breeding mutant cockroaches! And why? Um… science? Huh, usually you only get either an evil corporation or mutants of some kind. Most movies can’t contain both an evil corporation and mutant bugs, but this movie grabs them both by the horns, throws them in a blender and shouts, “Suck it, society! I’m man enough for both!”

I digress.

Anyway, why exactly is INTEC making super mutant cockroaches that are impervious to gases and chemicals? Well, at first it sounds clever, but then when you think about it, it’s actually kind of stupid. You see, they bio-engineered a hybrid of cockroaches that would eat other cockroaches and then die off. See what you did there? As you read that, you went, “Oh…” which quickly turned to, “ehhh, huh?” INTEC sends in the foxy and diabolical Dr. Hubbard to keep an eye on the Mayor to make sure he doesn’t pull any fast ones. But, like every evil corporation that decides to play God, their experiment goes wrong and these cockroaches get the desire to eat meat! Whether it’s animal or human, it’s on the menu. Not to mention, these cockroaches seem to take form of whatever they devour, much like The Thing in… um, The Thing. This actually results in some pretty spectacular effects, for the most part.

nest_2Aside from a few chewed up animal carcasses, we get to witness the birth of a cockroach and cat hybrid. Now, nevermind the logistics of how an animal would be reanimated back to life after being eaten by bugs or if it’s the cockroaches working as a group to form this new species (think of the Constructicons from Transformers), just marvel at mother nature’s abortion as it gets squished by a bookshelf. And that’s not all! The mayor himself gets gobbled up to save his daughter. Although in retrospect, his sacrifice was pointless, since they both could have escaped to the same room, so I don’t see why he needed to lock himself in the bathroom. Well, if he didn’t do that, how else would we be able to show you a man turn into a giant cockroach? Remember Jeff Goldblum’s transformation scene in The Fly? If you don’t, consider this a refresher course.

Before the mayor “bugged out,” he managed to call in some sort of airstrike using gas, which would most likely kill everyone on the island. Homer and the Sheriff rush to fix the town’s lighthouse to signal the planes, but they are running out of time, as the roaches seem to be coming from everywhere. Like in Aliens, Hudson said it best when he said, “It’s a bug hunt!” So our heroes go to find a queen and destroy it. Upon searching the cave, they found what they are looking for and what they find is, again, similar to the Blair Monster from The Thing. Only this queen cockroach/human/skeleton/gloppy thing is… kinda silly. Gotta say. Well, let me back up a bit. It’s actually pretty cool, until it starts moving. The thing hovers around like someone is pushing a really fat person around in a wheel barrel and for being something that is supposed to have more than a few legs, it doesn’t move very organically. Luckily, the film’s saving grace for this monster is when it bites the top of Dr. Hubbard’s head off. Girl, she was all cray cray anyway.

This was done in the days when everything was done practically, before the lifeless CGI. Sure it’s easier, but just seeing thousands of live cockroaches, scurrying on the floor and up peoples legs. You can imagine hundreds of tiny, cold little legs tickling your skin and that horror you feel as you look to see dozens of cockroaches. It’s that feeling you know those bugs are real that send the shiver down your back and question the tickling feeling it’s getting. The film has plenty of those gross out moments, filled with plenty of blood and organs (especially the eyeball popping scene) and the monsters are actually pretty grotesque.

The Nest

A worthy contender to other bug movies, like Slugs, it’s also interesting to note that the film’s producer was Julie Corman, wife of Roger Corman! Making sanguinary, low budget gross out flicks must be a Corman tradition that I hope continues. Check out The Nest, now on Bluray from Scream! Factory and don’t let the bed bugs bite!

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Sheriff spit take.
  • Bug-O-Cam.
  • Cockroach Cafe.
  • Take a shot every time there is a subtle rip off of The Thing, The Fly or another Sci-Fi bug movie.
  • Mayor Roach!
  • Cat-roach!
  • Homer…
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Critters get eaten, eyes go popping, guts go splatting, gore goes everywhere!

3

blood

BREASTS

There’s a few busty ladies in this one.

10

beast

BEASTS

Evil corporation mutant-genetically engineered super cockroaches and their devil hybrid! Sign me up!

7 OVERALL
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Sep

posted by Doktor | September 21, 2013 | 70's b-movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

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Tagline: It’s Exactly Like Star Wars, Only Different

(Actually, there wasn’t a tagline so I supplied one worthy of the film.)

Year: 1979            Runtime: 103 min

Director: Alfonso Brescia

Writer: Alfonso Brescia, Massimo Lo Jacono, Giacomo Mazzocchi

Starring: Yanti Somer, Gianni Garko, Malisa Longo

All artists want to make money on their art. One way that filmmakers achieve this is by riding on the coattails of a more popular, and lucrative, film. For examples see: Roger Corman, The Asylum, or any Kung Fu film starring Bruce Le, Li, Lei, Lea or any other permutation of the spelling of Lee. Star Odyssey is a Spaghetti Star Wars film.

Like all good b-movies there was something within the first thirty seconds that let me know this was a winner: the supporting cast credits are alphabetized. Sort of.

  • First title card:
    • Al Elliot
    • Caty Water
    • Joseph Thorne
  • Second title card:
    • Phil Browne
    • Tony Forster
    • Phil Shelby
    • Frank Weber
  • Third title card:
    • Max Right
    • Robert Egan
    • Steve Jordan

See what they did there? They couldn’t decide on whether to alphabetize by first name or last. Ah, man. If they couldn’t figure out that trivial detail…

Star Odyssey is the story of evil Lord of the Universe Kress who has purchased the Earth in a Space Auction™. Little does he know that the humans of Earth are not going to be taken into slavery so easily, not if Professor Morrie has anything to say about it.

As I mentioned at the top, most of Star Odyssey is in some way a Rent-a-Center version of Star Wars. The most egregious being the characters and Mental Force™.

Characters:

  • Lord Kress: Rent-a-Center Darth Vader without the helmet. Looks like his face was caught in a waffle iron.
  • Professor Morrie. Rent-a-Center Obi Wan Kenobi. Can use Rent-a-Center version of the Force, Mental Force™.
  • Hollywood: Rent-a-Center Luke Skywalker. Lieutenant in the Space Military. Sweet mustache (Actually everyone in the film has a sweet mustache. Who was the casting agency, the police department?) Aside from that a total doofus. Always posing. Seriously. Hands on his hips, chest puffed out, posing. This guy makes the actors in the old Doctor Who shows look like Marlon Brando.
  • Dirk Laramie: Rent-a-center Han Solo. Also has Mental Force™ so I guess he’s part Luke, too.
  • Irene: Rent-a-Center Princess Leia. Dirk/Hollywood love interest. Also a plot device allowing Morrie to get kidnapped at just the right wrong time.
  • Tilt & Tilly: Rent-a-center C3PO’s. Male and female, respectively. Product of a drunken night threesome between a retarded Cybermen, a teletubby and Howard the Duck. To top them off, quite literally, is a Xmas tree star. Lurv struck idiots. All they do is complain like a bitter old couple.
  • Space Aryans™: Rent-a-Center Storm Troopers. Lord Kress’s minions. Gold Space Suits with Prince Valiant hair. They’re actually androids. They fight with Rent-a-center light sabers. Well, not really fight. They are terrible swordsmen. They have one move: over-the-head strike. This attack is instantly parried and then they’re cut down with a gut/back slash. EVERY SINGLE ONE!

Mental Force Powers:

  • Persuade – great for suckering simple minded idiots into doing your bidding, which includes getting Hollywood to help with Morrie’s scheme.
  • Telekenesis – great for cheating a Space Plinko™.
  • Telepathy – great for opening one particular door on Kress’s ship.
  • Feel Presence – great plot device to make Kress aware of Morrie.
  • Xray Vision – great for cheating at Space Poker™.
  • Net – great plot device to hold Kress’s ship from leaving while finishing off the secret weapons.
  • Acceleration Disrupt – unnecessary plot device. Kress’s fighters are faster than Earth’s fighters. Morrie uses this to slow down the enemy’s ships to even the field.

What they should have borrowed was a book from the library on how to write. And edit. Right in the middle of collecting the team, the movie goes off the rails. I think the editor dropped the script and put it back together out of order. Scenes that should have come earlier are thrown in willy-nilly:

  1. Introduce Dirk at the Space Casino™ playing cards. He uses the Mental Force Xray Vision™ to read the other players cards. Oh, so this is why Dirk was in this heretofore random place and why these heretofore random guys want to beat him up for taking their money.
  2. Space Command freaking out because the automatic defense systems do not work on the UFO (which is pronounced OO-fo). Space Commander calls for an analysis of the video to determine what the UFO’s made of in the hopes there is some way to fight it. Oh, so that’s how they know what Kress’s ship is made of.
  3. Lords of the Universe Space Auction™. Kress purchases the Earth for $100 million credits. Oh, so that’s what Kress meant when he mentioned that he bought the Earth.

They probably could have edited it back together properly, but that would cost money, and they had already gone over budget, $13.78, on the make-up for the Lords of the Universe. Instead it’s just back to the regularly scheduled program like nothing just happened.

As for the story, the plot revolves around Morrie and his team coming up with a weakness in enderium. Enderium is the indestructible space material of the future that all of evil Lord Kress’s ships are made of. Can they do it? Yeah. Duh! Morrie has an intelligence which puts him “two centuries ahead of everyone” on Earth. Kress is only a “couple hundred centuries” more advanced that Earth. Pssssshhh! He doesn’t stand a chance. And before you get all bent out of shape that I’ve spoiled the movie, I haven’t. The magic is all about how they get there. And I’ll do you one better ‘cos I’m such a nice guy. You can watch the whole movie here for free.

Oh, and your welcome for the earworm in the main photo above.

roadside attractions

  • Hear dialogue that tells what is happening before your very eyes! It’s exposition-irific!
  • Marvel at the Rent-a-Center R2D2, Jeeves, the idiot savantobot. A 50 gallon garbage drum with dryer vent arms that mostly serves drinks from its breast compartments.
  • Wonder at the Space Warden’s™ orgasmatron executive desk toy. No explanation as to what it is, what it’s doing, or why it’s doing it.
  • Listen as the music cycles between parking lot carnival organ grinder and 70’s PBS after school special.
  • Thrill at the futurific computer sound effects straight out of Pong™.
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

No blood. But they did’a hav’a da budget fo’ da special defects’a.

0

blood

BREASTS

This is REALLY sad for a 70s Italian film. They, of all people, know better! I wept.

10

beast

BEASTS

I don’t know which was more gruesome, the Lords of the Universe or the Space Aryans™ or the “heroes”.

6.66 OVERALL
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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>