Archive for the 'B-movies' Category

Sep

Night of the Demon

How many Night of the Demon(s) movies are there? We’re all familiar with the 1988 film Night of the Demons and it’s sequel, Night of the Demons 2. There is a also a 1957 British monster movie Night of the Demon, but I’m talking about the 1980 killer Sasquatch flick with the same name. You think that may be confusing? And I have to ask, why call it that? They could have easily called it Night of the Sasquatch, but oh, maybe that would have been convenient. On a plus side, this is one of those infamous video nasties, although it seems to go unnoticed, even by a good majority of horror fans.

Like most good Sasquatch movies, this one is told in flashback form and I know the Charles B. Pierce classic Legend of Boggy Creek II comes to mind, but remember Chuck’s ’squatch flick came 5 years later! Come to think of it, both are fairly (and suspiciously) similar at moments, although Legend of Boggy Creek II is far less violent… and features far too many characters wearing upsettingly short shorts.

notd_2The movie opens with Dr. Nugent, laying in a hospital bed, sadly not from cat scratch fever. Apparently that’s not a real thing, but his face, however, is covered from the mouth down as it seems to have been scorched off in a battle with the monster. But for a guy with no lips and first degree burns all over the bottom half of his face, he seems to be talking just fine about the Sasquatch deep in the woods that killed everyone and attacked him. So, we jump into the flashback machine and watch an old man get his arm ripped off. The point? To bring in his daughter, seeking the help of Dr. Nugent and the rest of his anthropology class. Now the plot gets rolling and they set out into the woods to find some answers, but it’s more like the answer finds them. Like a blood soaked Scooby Doo episode, the gang heads into town and questions the inhabitants to find the Sas’ and some woman being called Crazy Wanda, but they uncover a whole lot more.

Believe it or not, there is a lot going on in Night of the Demon than one would think. It doesn’t come across as convoluted, but rather magnetic. When the cast isn’t standing around in flannels spilling exposition, Dr. Nugent tells the class the legends of the creature and we get to witness the full blown red carnage. Most infamously, a biker stops at the side or the road to pee and has his dong ripped off! The camera does not shy away from this effect and will leave you groaning in pain as his newly opened wound spews blood like a garden hose. There are also some rather… silly tales, as one camper is twirled around in his sleeping bag, tossed like a bean bag and impaled on a tree branch. Sasquatch must’ve been Jason’s trainer for the sleeping bag scene in Friday the 13th Part VII! Another is when two Girl Scouts (who look a little too old to be in Girl Scouts) are for whatever reason packing knives, so clever ‘Sas grabs their arms and makes them stab each other. I couldn’t help but wonder, ‘”Why don’t they just drop the knives?” Because then we wouldn’t have that scene, that’s why.

I have to mention the subplot involving a cult. Yes, this movie has about everything, so why not add a cult? About the middle of the flick, the gang interrupts what looks like a cult about to rape a woman. They later find that woman was Crazy Wanda, who they had been searching for. After some hypnotizing (apparently anthropologists need a hobby), they get Crazy Wanda to tell them about the cult and her past, but not why she doesn’t appear to have showered in some time. You see, years ago Wanda’s crazy dad use to beat her after she was raped by Sasquatch and had his mongoloid baby. In fear that her father may kill the baby and the baby-daddy, she sets her father on fire. And you thought the girls on Teen Mom had daddy issues.

notd_3Night of the Demon does have a surreal, spasmodic vibe to it, with the stories that Dr. Nugent tells feeling like a misplaced puzzle piece anthology of sorts. When Sasquatch is stalking his prey, rather than your usual wide POV shots, the camera adds a red vignette to the screen, leaving you feeling as if you are in danger. It could almost feel unsettling and along with the biker’s johnson getting ripped off, there was a disemboweling scene that landed this movie on the Video Nasty list. Yeah, you can show a young woman get raped by Sasquatch, but some dude’s willy gets yanked off… that is just too much, sir! And if that’s not enough, the lighting of the film is notably very Dario Argento-esque, accompanied by unnerving howling ambiance and the music almost sounds like simple synth, like it was lifted out of Don’t Go in the Woods or The Forest. This isn’t to say it doesn’t have the flaws you would expect from this kind of film, such as acting more stale than three year old Cheerios and questionable editing at times. I also remember them mentioning a preacher who had killed himself because he saw the Devil existed after seeing the spawn of Crazy Wanda and Sasquatch. I have to ask, if you’ve accepted and believe in God, doesn’t that mean you also believe that the Devil exists (after all, believing in one is acknowledging the other exists)? Then again, what do I know? I’m a Scientologist.

It’s an overlooked and possibly even unknown gem. I completely forgot about this film, until I saw it at a yard sale for a quarter (best damn quarter I’ve spent). Nobody seems to mention it, then one day you bring it up and then their reaction resembles something like, “THAT movie… Oh yeah… it’s awesome!” So, see the legend everyone seems to be keeping quiet about. Just make sure you pee before.

roadside attractions

  • Girl Scout knife fight.
  • Camper shot put.
  • Making baby ’squatch!
  • Gut tearing terror!
  • Flannels!
  • Instant Biker sex change!
  • Ax’ing questions.
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Limbs get ripped off, guts get ripped out, wieners get… it’s over the top.

5

blood

BREASTS

They were sure to give you a peek in the first ten minutes so you don’t turn off the tape.

9

beast

BEASTS

Killer Sasquatch, Crazy Wanda, Devil worshiping cult… all in the days work of an anthropologist.

7.3 OVERALL
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Watch the entire movie!”

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Sep

posted by Barry Goodall | September 1, 2013 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Amityville 3d

Made for TV’s Tony Roberts and Candy Clark are investigating fake seances when they uncover some paranormal tom foolery at the infamous Amittyville house. After exposing the scam artists, Tony buys the home cheap from the realtor who later gets his face eaten by flies and dies in his attic. That doesn’t seem to really shock anyone. Sure a haunted houses comes with a few demonic insect swarms but those bleeding walls mean you don’t have to decorate for halloween.

amityville 3dTony later uncovers a major plumbing problem in the basement with a uncapped drainage well that goes straight to hell. It keeps filling his house with demonic spirits but at least that will keep his heating costs low in the winter. Candy stops in later when Tony is away and gets blasted by some extreme ice mint flavor coming up from the basement and is found huddled freezing on the floor. She hightails it out of there only to be impaled by a plumber’s pipe and trapped in her own burning car. The worst case of freezer burn ever.

Thickheaded Tony is still not convinced his house is haunted despite just having a free ride on a demonic shake and bake elevator at work and invites his daughter Lori Loughlin to stop by. She brings four of her pals including a young Meg Ryan for a little demon house warming party. After flirting with Tony, Meg gets out the ouija board and gets the ghosts riled up enough to start breaking glassware. Or it’s could just be Meg’s insane levels of perkiness. It’s like holy water to evil spirits.

Tony’s ex-wife shows up later just as Lori gets killed in a boating accident returning as a drippy zombie that hides in her room. After seeing her daughters ghost, Tony’s ex convinces him to hire a rookie scientist and his crew to investigate but they all get sucked up into a vortex of evil by a fire breathing gillman from the basement’s hell pit. Tony and his wife escape just in time to watch the house explode in a spectacular display of pyrotechnics which somehow still leaves the front porch lights on. Its just too bad everyone else was already killed and had to miss the show. Barry Goodall says this movie could have used more of the 3B’s and less of the 3D but check it out if you got a hankerin’ for gratuitous objects thrust at you. “A FRISBEE!!! A BOOM MIC!!! SPITTLE! A FLASHLIGHT!!! OH THE HORROR!!!”

roadside attractions

  • Death by fly smothering
  • Ghost puppets
  • Face shish-kabob
  • Dry well entrances to hell
  • Demonic photoshopping
  • Car-side BBQ
  • Flame thrower death pit
  • Door smashing
  • Glowing orbe
  • Sail fish harpooning
  • Multiple exploding houses
totals

4

blood

BLOOD

Not much blood but lots of people getting killed by flames.

0

blood

BREASTS

None…this must be that “family friendly horror” I hear the Disney folks talking about.

9

beast

BEASTS

flies and some weird demon gillman that lives in the basement. Another reason to make sure your kids move out when they’re 20.

4.5 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Amityville 3D”

trailers

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Aug

The Fartiste

Of all the bio pics and mockumentaries, you may think Spinal Tap or Walk Hard is the crudest, most far out of those genres, but I guarantee that you are wrong. You have not seen anything of that magnitude until you have witnessed the bizzaro comedy, The Fartiste. And do you want to know what shockingly sets these films apart from each other? The Fartiste is based loosely on real life comedian Joseph Pujol who was known on stage as Le Petomane, a man who could seemingly fart at will by control his lower abdominal muscles! How is this not more widely known?

We start the film by joining Le Petomane in Purgatory, where he is replaying all of the events in his life. By the by, Le Petomane is played by Michael Pataki, who you may remember as Nicolo Koloff from Rocky IV and Dr. Hoffman in Halloween 4! The guy actually has a modest resume, so it’s awkward, but at the same time intriguing to see such a versatile actor play a lead in such an absurd comedy. For some reason, the thought of someone narrating their life events from Purgatory reminds me of a Mel Brooks film. Which is an odd coincidence since Le Petomane is referenced in Blazing Saddles.

We start the journey of his life as he talks to his psychiatrist, uncovering the birth of his “talent” at a young age, where he would perform for all of the other school children. His act consisted of imitating instruments (the best being a tuba), mimicking animal noises and blowing out candles with precise accuracy. Of course this led to be taken advantage of as a young adult, getting underpaid. His arse to was later be arrested for arson, as he literally blew away an audience and the building with one of his farts.

Building his skill and stowing away in a Romanian boat, he was eventually hired by a man named Duvall to perform at the Moulin Rouge and yes, the real Le Petomane performed there! I think Moulin Rouge would have been better if Nicole Kidman was farting all those songs. Kings and queens would travel to come and see this act! However, he unintentionally inspires a man to go on a killing spree after the man hears the voice of God in Le Petomane’s farts, commanding him to kill. Once he is captured, they put Le Petomane’s flatulence to good use by creating the ‘gas’ chamber, executing the man. If that’s not poetic justice, I don’t know what is.

And finally, what would any good bio pic be if there wasn’t a career downfall due to arrogance. Even Le Petomane gives into womanizing, gambling and making questionable changes to his act (yes, even his act). The rest of the film, of course, is about redemption and regaining control of what he once lost. His legacy, even in real life, would inspire many artist to make plays and movies about his life.

fart_2Believe it or not, there is actually quite a touching story linked to The Fartiste a.k.a. A Blast From the Past. Produced by Frankie Ray (from Invasion of the Star Creatures) in 1987, the film was meant to be shown on comedy cable networks, but after disapproval from an investor’s wife, which ceased funding, which rushed the production and for it to be wrapped up quickly. Frank never showed the film to anyone, except for a few cast members. The film almost fell past obscurity and into oblivion… until a man, Chuck Harter, met Frankie Ray in 2000 and watched a dub made back in 1991. Chuck wanted to share the same humor he found in the film with everyone else. After some negotiations about half a year ago, Alpha Video agreed to release it. It’s that kind of fan dedication to a genre that makes me proud to be a part of the community.

You would think an hour long film about farting wouldn’t be charming, but you would be wrong. I have to admit, it grew on me, especially after reading the history of this film, one man’s passion to distribute it and recognizing the talent behind it (no pun intended… or is there?), realizing the incredible sense of humor they have and making a film, regardless of what folks may say. The Fartiste is worth a good laugh. It’ll bring back memories of farting on your little brother’s head. Or in my case, bad memories of my big brother farting on my head.

Pick up your copy of The Fartiste at Oldies.com

roadside attractions

  • Name the different fart variations.
  • Count how long you are in shock after learning Le Petomane was a real person.
  • Michael Pataki’s role of a lifetime.
  • Farting showdown.
totals

3

blood

BLOOD

No blood, but there is some havoc.

4

blood

BREASTS

Some old timies in dresses.

8

beast

BEASTS

Furious Flatulence!

5 OVERALL
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Check out this footage of the real Le Petomane… silent, but deadly!”

trailers

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Aug

salem's lot

It’s too bad Twilight had to go and ruin this whole vampire thing for the rest of us. Vampires used to be cool. They’d ride into town on their motorcycles, drink beer, bite some co-eds then explode at sunrise. Now when you say vampire people think some emo teen that glitters in the sun plastered on Hot Topic t-shirts. Vampires didn’t “fall in Love” with with the mumbling girl that has the personality of canned tuna. They’d sucked their blood dry and make them their undead groupies. Case closed…onto the next victim.

Thankfully Salem’s Lot came out back in 1979 as a CBS mini-series well before all this Twilight bull hockey started.  It was a little joint venture between none other than Stephen King and Tobe Hooper. Those of you hoping for a killer clown with a chainsaw will be sadly disappointed. But wait, hold onto your crucifix because dang it all if they didn’t make one of the scariest vampire movies ever. Old people tuning in to watch 60 minutes were probably clutching their heart medicine that night I’ll bet.

Salem's LotThe story revolves around Ben (David Soul) a successful writer who grew up in Salems Lot, Maine. It’s your typical quaint little town with antiquing, parades, soda shops oh and a deadly house full of unstoppable EVIL. EVILLLL!!!! Lately the town folk have been dropping like flies ever since a coffin sized crate was delivered to the old Marsten house on the hill.  Ben is convinced that house’s  new owner, Richard Starker (James Manson) and his unseen business partner Barlow, are the culprits. At first people complain of fatigue while sportin’ two nasty skeeters bites on their necks but eventually they end up levitating outside someone’s bay windows like demonic window washers with a hankering’ for blood. It’s a vampire smorsgesborg. Ben takes a break from his investigation to get some nookie with the town hottie Susan Nortan (Bonnie Bedelia) and then convinces her dad that the town is infected with the undead. He’s usually drunk, so it’s pretty easy. “There’s vampires in the town!” “yeah! Let’s go talk about it at the bar!”

They decide to take the fight to their home turf but Mark the local horror geek beats them to the punch hoping to avenge his parents death by staking the vampire before sunset. Why people decide to wait right before dusk to kill a vampire. Didn’t it occur to anyone that’s right around the time they wake up. Ben and Mark fight the Barlow vamp and his minions in the basement.  It all ends with a vampire marshmallow roast minus the marshmallows and a trip to Guatemala for some spanish stake fajitas. This was followed up by the less impressive Return to Salem’s Lot starring Micahel Morority but I’d recommend sticking with the original recipe on this one.

Special Lost highway award goes to James Manson as the vampire caretaker. How is it old British guys can be just so dang creepy? You stick them in a derby hat and have em’ say things like “good day chap” and the hair stands up on my arms. Also an award goes to the anneroxic nosterfatau that keeps jumping out of the dark and has a big show down with priest in a kitchen. Somebody get that guy a burger and fries. Barry Goodall says lock your windows, make a nice bowl of garlic soup and drop in for a visit to Salem’s Lot.

roadside attractions

  • Packing crate/freezer unit
  • Neck bitin’
  • Extreme antiquing
  • Stake to the heart
  • Levitating undead
  • 14 dead bodies
  • Anorexic vampire attack
  • Fred Willard in his underwear
  • Holy watering
  • Nosferatu dinner crashing
  • Cross branding
  • Disappearing vampire with vapor action
  • Coat rack attack
  • Grave hole smack down
  • Crucifix vamp blocking
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Lots of blood sucking and puncture wounds. But it’s made for TV gore.

0

blood

BREASTS

No nudity, this is CBS!!

9

beast

BEASTS

lots of vampires, skinny nosferatu, and a creepy British guy.

9.5 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Salem’s Lot”

trailers

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Aug

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blood sport
Bloodsport (1988) is an interesting bit o’ film, as it is a better Street Fighter II flick than Street Fighter, which shares a star in Jean-Claude Van Damme. Bloodsport, unlike Street Fighter, actually features a fightin’ tourney, full of half-naked, sweaty dudes. Sure, Street Fighter has its share of half-naked sweaty dudes, but they ain’t fighting in a tournament.

If’n it’s fighters going toe to toe and working their way through a crazier bracket than NCAA Basketball could ever hope for, Bbloodsport montage splitloodsport is yer flick. All your really need to know is Bloodsport stars action b-movie favorite, Jean-Claude Van Damme. I could stop there, really, but I won’t.

Van Damme plays Frank Dux, an American who takes part in the underground, and illegal, martial arts tournament called the Kumite (for the Communications majors out there, that’s koo-me-tay, not koo-MITE). An early highpoint of the film is a flashback, which happens in the first, thirty seconds, give or take. We’re treated to a kid playing a young Van Damme, which is all kinds of great. The flashback continues for what feels like 47 minutes, and shows Van Damme growing up and training in the art of Ninjutsu. Van Damme suffers through one of the best training montages of the 1980s, including a scene where he does, brace yerself fellas, a complete split. Yes, with his legs.

There’s plenty of punching, kicking, and yelling to go around. Bloodsport doesn’t really have any dull moments. If someone isn’t yelling, they are punchin’ and or kickin’. Bloodsport is basically a ‘gritty reboot’ of Karate Kid if’n it was directed by guy who made Commando.

bloodsport splits

Revenge of the Nerds fans take note: Donald ‘Ogre’ Gibb plays Van Damme’s burly buddy. He’s a lovable pit fighter, which is the best kind, really. On the other side of the fighter spectrum is baddie Chong Li, played by the unmistakable Bolo Yeung (who plays a similar role in Enter the Dragon). You may not remember the name, but Yeung is one of those ‘Oh, THAT guy’ actors. And really, if Van Damme ain’t reason enough for you to take a gander at Bloodsport, Bolo Yeung as Chong Li sure as whiskey-fire is—even just to hear him say the classic line, “You break my record, now I break YOU!”

Tiger says, Bloodsport is a must watch for any martial arts movie fan. And for fans of watching guys act uncomfortable when Van Damme does the splits.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Complete Splits
  • Crotch Punches
  • Walled Cities
  • Arcade Game Showdown
  • Yelling
  • Screaming
  • Death Punch
  • Breaking Bricks
  • Man Boobs
  • Ninja Training
  • Van Damme Butt Shot
  • Blood
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

BLOOD is in the title!

4

blood

BREASTS

Plenty of man boob to go around.

10

beast

BEASTS

Chong Li, and the rest of the fighters, are pretty dang crazy.

8 OVERALL
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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>