Archive for the 'B-movies' Category

Jul

posted by Barry Goodall | July 30, 2013 | B-movies

The Top 5 b-movie scenes involving the phone.

More modern horror films always have a cell phone that never works when the helpless victims are trying to reach the police. Usually it’s some backwoods cannibals trying to eat some teenagers that took the “shortcut” but you’d think they’d at least get 3G in those parts. But remember the days when people actually had real phones attached to their walls? The terror wasn’t as mobile as it today. Here’s a list of some of the best horror scenes involving a phone. Call waiting…more like call dying.

5. Black Christmas (1974)

Claire is terrorized by a obscene caller during the holidays at her local sorority. The caller who may or may or not be called Billy since he screams it into the phone like a creepy 5 year old starting killing here friends one by one. Oh well, more egg nog for the rest of us.

4. Halloween (1978)

Lynda is all about the afterglow when her boyfriend bob goes down stairs for a beer and gets impaled by the masked psycho Michael Myers. Lynda is a bit creeped out when she thinks it’s her boyfriend standing in a ghost sheet and calls up her friend Laurie. The result her being getting choked by a telephone chord. Reach out and touch someone….I don’t think so.

3. The Ring (2002)

There’s actually a couple good phones scenes in this modern horror classic as victims fall to grisly deaths after watching a haunted video tape. Once you watch the tape you get a phone call that says “seven days” and it’s not a dentist call reminder. 7 days later you die. Don’t answer the phone…especially if it’s a on a mobile phone in the UK.)

2. Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Nancy is being terrorized by a knife gloved maniac in her sleep when she gets an unexpected phone call from him. The classic line “I’m your boyfriend now Nancy” kept many young girls from talking on the phone that night. Freddy tongue juts out of the receiver just before Nancy’s boyfriend is pulled into a bed erupting in a blood fountain. Long distance rates may apply.

1. Scream (1996)

The phone in scream is the critical player in bring the killer to it’s victim. But probably the defining scene is where the first victim Casey has to answer horror trivia to try to save her own life. Hard to believe she got the Friday the 13th question wrong.

Jul

arcade

At a simple glance or even a guess, Street Trash may seem like a horror flick about melting bums. Well, that’s only about twenty percent of the film. Although you may not know without having seen it, Street Trash is a busy little film, combining several plots together. It’s actually quite a complicated film, but manages to intertwine all these plots together while keeping it nice and tidy… and packing it with plenty of gross out moments and gore.

The homeless run wild like Hulkamaniacs led by the sociopathic Vietnam vet, Bronson. His gang of misfits that he calls ‘soldiers’ create chaos and terrorize civilians as well as other hobos, especially Freddy and his younger brother. His younger brother has taken a liken to the secretary at the junkyard, where the bums take refuge and beneath all that filth and grime, she has taken a liken to him too. But as fate would have it, local liquor store owner Ed finds a crate of expired booze called Tenafly Viper. Rather than aging like a fine wine, this nasty, foul liquid boils, bubbles and melts whoever drinks it into a glorious, gory, multi-colored florescent puddles of goop. All of this catches the attention of gritty, action cop Bill who wants to nail Bronson for these atrocities and clean up the streets. Hell, there is even a small sub plot going on involving James Lorinz (Jeffrey from Frankenhooker) as a Doorman who is ratting on his mafia boss after failing to see Freddy take his boss’s date back to junkyard and now he’s gonna get whacked! Believe it or not, it’s actually a pretty easy to follow, never distracting you and keeping you entertained the entire duration with the help of the cruel humor and gore.

ArcadeIt cuts back and forth between these stories for the major duration of the film, filling in the rest with bizarre antics of the derelicts, most of which is spent cursing and mumbling filth at Ed while they try to rip off bottles of booze. Other times, they are playing ‘Catch the Wiener’ with another vagrant’s… wiener or they are shoplifting at local grocery mart. The homeless are downright dirty in every meaning of the definition. Not only are they caked in dirt and probably feces (most definitely urine), but they are also mean and obnoxious toward each other and let me tell you… Street Trash reaches cruel levels of humor if you are sensitive to that kind of thing (luckily, we here are not and welcome it). Playing much like a Troma film, there are all sorts of racial and sexist humor as well as jabs at the elderly. Further pushing the offensiveness, they include a rape scene in which later, the woman’s corpse is found and with some comical music, the owner of the junkyard defiles it… after he was just trying to rape his secretary. It’s a classy movie, but it’s our kind of class.

The Special Meltdown Edition from Synapse presents all these nasty, but loveable pranks in an uncanny high definition transfer. All the carnage, all the gore and colors look beautiful and clean. It’s amazing how crisp a low budget film can look. The edges are so sharp, every fine little detail pops right out at you and this especially showcases the special effects. The audio has a 5.1 mix and it’s as decent as they get, although it’s obviously not like the surround mixes we are use to today. I say stick with the 2.0 mono it was recorded in. It sounds more natural and keeps that old school charm to it.

ArcadeAnd if you’re a fan of special features, hold on to your butts. This disc is crammed with ‘em. The Meltdown Memoirs is a two hour doc, showcasing everything and anything about the making of one of the 80’s best gross out films. Production, casting, special effects, behind the scenes stories… it’s all here and it’s like being a part of it. It’s that in depth. What really blew my mind about this is future X-Men series director Bryan Singer was a Production Assistant on the film! Who knew? I guess we all have to start somewhere. It just blows my mind. It’s like when I found out that J.J. Abrams did the soundtrack for Nightbeast. Of course you get the interviews, which are always interesting to hear, you also get bloopers and outtakes (which I love), and so you get to see what actually didn’t make it into the Special Meltdown Edition. But probably my favorite bonus feature on here is the original 16mm short the film. It’s definitely the backbone of what the movie was based from, although it wasn’t called Tenafly Viper in this. This all rounded off with some trailers and promo stuff, making all this worth any value.

See what I mean? A lot, and I mean A LOT, is going on in Street Trash and you never would have guessed given it’s just a low budget action/cop/horror/Vietnam drama/romance/retrospect look at the homeless movie, but give props where props are due. Director J. Michael Muro and writer Roy Frumkes fit all the pieces together to make it a solid, entertainingly disgusting, wild watch. This is like the Tetris of the film world. Its elements are odd shaped pieces that when put together correctly, form a solid line. This film literally has something for everyone and if you can’t find one thing to like about it, then there is something seriously wrong with you and your eyes and Bronson will find you and poke them out.

Save them pennies and buy a copy from the Synapse Website!

roadside attractions

  • Melting Hobos!
  • Adult take on ‘Hot Potato’.
  • Bulimic Justice.
  • Air Canister Torpedo Decapitation!
  • Filth, flarn, filth.
  • You know what, the entire 100 minute runtime.
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

Red goop, green goop, blue goop to purple and yellow You get it all as well as some guts and other body parts.

8

blood

BREASTS

Bush, boobs, butts and wieners. A lot of it.

9

beast

BEASTS

Whether it’s a gloppy puddle of vagabond mess, tough cops or crazy homeless Vietnam Vets, there is enough to make you pee your pants.

8.6 OVERALL
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Check out this trailer from “Street Trash”

trailers

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Jul

Welcome to Fog Island, your final resting place! Just by taking a glance at the cover, John Carpenter’s The Fog immediately comes to mind. However, fans of the Italian horror genre will notice that it bears a slight resemblance to Bay of Blood a.k.a. Twitch of the Death Nerve and why shouldn’t it? Fog Island is more than a subtle nod to the slasher genre, it’s more of an homage, borrowing heavily from Friday the 13th, but we all know who they borrowed from…

The movie starts in the right atmosphere; that magical hour right before the sun comes up over the ocean and the Earth is painted in dark blue hues, covered in a mist. The sounds of a victimized scream and a cartoony splat make for some ambience to provide exposition. The title smashes in big, bold and red, like something from a 70’s Grindhouse flick.

We cut to Nikki arriving by boat. She’s not flocking to Fog Island for their collectable, commemorative plates, no. Looking for a fresh start from a divorce, she also happens to be starting Fog Island’s very first radio station with her non-descript friend Michelle and a rag-tag bunch of DJ’s that will fill in the rest of the stereotypes. After all, this is exactly what an old time, creepy secluded island needs. I don’t foresee anything going wrong here.

Anyway, let me introduce you to your body count, I mean, characters! First we have the innocent Drew, the perverted comic relief Billy and a transvestite Tabitha, who is a bit of a drama queen (no pun intended). We even get to meet the creepy old cleaning lady, Lily. They kick off the radio station and it seems to be a hit. Well, at least that one lady they showed likes it. So everything is hunky-dory… or is it? Later in the evening, Nikki is awakened by a shadow figure knocking at her door. What does it want?

blackbagThe next day, this film’s Crazy Ralph, Mickey, warns Michelle that they need to leave because it’s not safe. Hey, what would a slasher flick be without a prophet of doom? Meanwhile, we catch glimpses of the shadow figure harassing Nikki, who dips into her flask of a liquid that is described as, “smelling like paint thinner.” Hey, a multipurpose liquor! Being that it’s Nikki’s first night on the air, this leaves the rest of the cast as open game, as the killer playfully gallops and trots, spying on the rest of the crew until he claims his first victim, Michelle… and steals her phone. Must be a jealous ex. The killer plays some creepy children’s music (honestly, is there another kind?) and lays down some lilies… ahem.

Concerned that she can’t reach Michelle, Lily reassures Nikki that it’s probably just diarrhea and shouldn’t worry. Come to think of it, Lily is the one who should worry since she has to clean the toilets in that place! Anyway, Lily tells Nikki of the dark and haunted history of the house and about the murder that took place there, a dark shadowed figure looming in the hallways… and this is when just as the crew is figuring out something is wrong with the place and the island, they get picked off one by one in automatic slasher fashion, but instead of resorting to off screen kills or slashes, there is some gore here. Aside from various stabs, there is a decapitation, a spearing through the bed (a nod to Friday the 13th) and even a shout out to The Burning when one of them is stabbed to death with garden shears and the killer jabs them into the tree. Heck, the killer is even wearing a pea coat and fedora much like Cropsy.

By now, the killer is calling the radio station, telling Nikki that she has been watched the whole time and the house doesn’t belong to her. She takes this relatively calm, but after spotting some flowers and hearing that music again, the killer comes into light, revealing their identity and motive, which turns out to be a very Pamela Voorhees inspired story. By the way, if you want to know the identity of the killer, I’ll drop you a hint: It’s the only character that isn’t dead.

blackbagFog Island is composed of the clichés that form your typical slasher flicks nowadays. Phones ringing and not being answered, but when they are answered it’s a deep, scratchy voice, the drunk prophet of doom, the geek, the slut, the comedian and the continuous asking of, “Hello?” as they chase after a shadowy figure, the creepy townsfolk (although this is only mentioned in dialogue). Speaking of, that’s a subplot that the film never really got into. You never really get to know the island, just the characters in the radio station. Although, this could be a good thing, giving us more personal time to know these characters. And with the characters, it never really goes into why Nikki is hiding the fact that she drinks. I’m assuming it’s because of the divorce, but it’s never really explained. Maybe she is trying to hide the fact that she secretly has the world’s last remaining Ecto Cooler and doesn’t want to share it.

I think American audiences won’t know whether or not this is supposed to directly be a horror-comedy or not… I surely didn’t. Fog Island is a funny film, but like I said, I don’t know if it’s intentional. However, the film’s certainly aware of the films it’s mimicking and has fun with it. Most of these aren’t being shoved in your face though, although they aren’t quite subtle to the horror film aficionado. Since I mentioned having fun, a majority of the dialogue was improvised, which is actually quite interesting. It does make for more natural conversation, however at times it can be seen that the actors are waiting for the other to finish speaking so they can spit out their line of dialogue and this causes them to trip over each other’s lines.

This one is a really interesting and quite unique little diddy. All the nods and tributes to some of the classic slasher flicks of the 70’s and 80’s will keep you entertained. Fog Island was made with no budget and all love for old school horror flicks. It packs in some gore and plenty of laughs, making it worth the adventure to see.

roadside attractions

  • Take a shot everytime you recognize something from another film.
  • Cliche central.
  • Naked Nikki.
  • The very mention of diarrhea.
  • Tranny troubles.
  • Crocodile Dundee reference.
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

You’re treated to some splats, squirts, decaps and stabbings.

8

blood

BREASTS

Nikki bears ‘em both and they are magnificent.

6

beast

BEASTS

If Cropsy, the dude from Torso and The Driller Killer had a baby with Pamela Voorhees.

6.3 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Fog Island”

trailers

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Jul

I’d been hankering for a movie where an amish guy kicks around a demon who looks like a reject from a 80’s hair band and by golly, Warlock came along and did just that. Julian Sands stars as the pony tailed warlock who’s about to be put to death in 17th century Boston. Just before he’s going to be hanged, and burned over a basket of live cats, Satan shows up and zaps him into a time tornado to the 1980’s. His mission, to find some super witch book called the Grand Grimoire that can destroy the universe and every living Back Street Boy ever in existence. Well at least he’ll find some decent hair gel there. Julian’s not off the hook just yet because a furry witch hunter called Redferne (Richard E. Grant) has followed him through the time portal packing all sorts of witch-bustin’ goodies.

The Warlock crashes into a apartment owned by a waitress named Kasandra (Lori singer). She lets him stay for the night but In the morning, he chows down on her roomates tongue sautéing it and cursing kasandra to age 20 years a day. That is gonna be hell on her plastic surgery bills. Redferne with a major case of jet lag finally shows up but he’s still on medevil time and The warlock has already taken off. Redferne and Kasandra use a bit of his blood to make a witch compass that points uptown where the warlock’s been talking to satan through a hack psychic. He rips out her eyeballs and uses them for GPS to track down the missing pages and Redferne and Kassandra end up chasing the flying warlock all over the countryside. They find him in an Amish farmhouse where Redferne harpoons him with a weathervane and a Mennonite helps locks him down with some chinese finger traps. The Warlock escapes of course (if only the amish had a taser!) and hops a plane back to an old Boston cemetary. The same cemetary where the corpse of Redferne holds the final pages of Grimore in his boney little hands. So it’s a battle to save the universe in a demon/fur trapper cage match on holy ground! One of the better witch on the run films, Warlock had some great fx for the time and it maybe the best flying British witch movie since Mary Poppins. Definitely check it out and don’t forget to bring the anti-warlock salt.

roadside attractions

  • Finger hacking
  • Grave robbing
  • Eyeball spiking
  • Tongue frying
  • Weather vane harpooning
  • Fat guzzling
  • Freefalling warlocking
  • Eyeball GPS
  • Extreme insulin injections
  • Gerriatric mini-skirts
  • Toe and thumbscrew
  • Rawhide chewin’
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

a decent amount of bodily leakage mostly from the eye sockets

0

blood

BREASTS

No nudity but there is a lot of fur.

9

beast

BEASTS

1 demonic possession of Satan, 1 warlock,  and a a large amount of beards

9.5 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Warlock”

trailers

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Jul

suspiria

Very few things come together so perfectly, mixing vibrant colors and vivid violence like Suspiria. Most films can’t hold a moment of tension, making you feel uneasy with every moment that passes on screen as you’re too terrified to move or look away and a soundtrack that is so fierce, it pierces your nerves, pumping your blood faster and faster. With Suspiria, Dario Argento tried something a little different, doing away with his usual murder mysteries and opted for something a little more supernatural, both in sound and vision. Deep Red may have put Dario Argento on the map, but Suspiria is what kept him there.

During the opening credits, before any visuals are shown, we are sharply jolted into attention by the hammering of a what could be a rusty steel drum and a shrieking woman accompanied by dreadful whispering. Right before there is any plot or visuals, Dario Argento welcomes you into his world with music from Goblin. This stringing, energetic music only amplifies the blood soaked carnage to follow, which is also more amplified than his previous work. Seriously, what follows, what you will see in Suspiria, will get under your skin.

Arriving in Munich, Germany from the USA on a dreary, stormy evening is ballet student Suzy Bannion (anyone else think of bunion? Yuck.). Upon arriving at the prestigious dance academy she was newly enrolled in, a young woman, an expelled student flees into the storm, shouting something inaudible. This young woman, Pat, takes shelter at a friend’s place in town, where she believes it to be safe. But how naive of Pat, as an intruder’s arm crashes through a window in the bathroom, grabbing her. Pat’s shouts alarm her friend, who frantically runs downstairs, pounding on doors for help. After an awkward cut (she appears in a different hallway), Pat is stabbed, exposing her still beating heart and has a cord tied around her neck. She crashes through the large stained glass ceiling, hanging her as the shattered pieces of glass impale her friend on the ground floor below. If you look up ‘overkill’ in the dictionary, it will say, “See Suspiria.” And this is just the opening…

HBTMBusiness resumes as usual the next day and Suzy starts getting settled into the school after meeting with Madame Blanc and the rather mannish Ms. Tanner and these two don’t seem creepy or suspicious at all… Speaking of suspicious, Suzy starts becoming dizzy and faints during a lesson. The doctor tells Suzy that she is to take medicated wine… medicated wine. Now I’m no doctor, but I’m fairly certain you don’t need a prescription for wine.

I should also mention that this school is full of the most pompous, snobbish girls you would ever cross. They only seem interested in money, whether it’s trying to manipulate money out of each other or boys with big… wallets (what did you think I was going to say). However, Suzy does meet one peach among all the rotten fruit, Sarah. The two become friends and room together. It’s also later this evening while preparing for dinner, it begins to seemingly rain (or drop down from the ceiling in masses) unwanted dinner guests; maggots. Hey, if you thought your school’s cooking was bad! This forces the girls to have the creepiest campout in cinema history (this entire scene draped in an alarming red light) as they all gather in the practice hall. Sarah over hears the nightmarish wheezing of the school’s director… who is not due to return to the school for several more week, so what is she doing there?

Further growing more suspicious of the faculty, Sarah tells Suzy Pat was her friend and they were gathering clues on this mistrustful staff. Suzy, in stylish Argento fashion, recalls clues in flashback form, recalling Pat shouting the words ‘secret’ and ‘iris’ amidst the storm before skeptically passing out. Sarah frantically tries to wake Suzy, informing her Pat’s notes are missing, but she decides to investigate anyway. This happens in time as an unknown figure starts to stalk her. Sarah flees for her life, believing she found shelter through a window in a dark room, but what is waiting for her on the other side will leave her, dare I say ‘tangled?’

HBTMBeing told that Sarah abruptly left the school, Suzy doesn’t buy that bologna and heads out to meet with her psychiatrist Dr. Mandel, who is played by the poorly dubbed Udo Kier (seriously, the dude speaks perfect English and they dub him with that generic white guy voice?). It’s interesting to note Udo received top billing and he’s just now making an appearance as we reach the final act of the movie. It’s not an unnecessary cameo, however. Dr. Mandel provides us with the biggest piece of exposition. It turns out the school was founded by a depraved Greek refugee who was, in all probability, a witch. Udo exits as his time is becoming too costly, so his colleague steps in to finish the dialogue with Suzy, informing her that the coven cannot survive without their queen. Thank you, Mr. Kier. Your check is in the mail.

The film’s conclusion has timid Suzy filling in all the blanks, recalling all the clues and discovering the truth behind this unholy academy. This eerie ending is actually quite frightening and unnerving to say the very least. Hope you have a change of drawers.

Suspiria is like watching a twisted, infernal fairytale come to life. Every scene is masterfully lit with electrifying hues of reds, greens and blues making the scenery seem like a character, but never crossing into the realm of cartoonish. It’s actually quite brilliant and adds to the moody and iconic sound of Goblin, whose score only heightens the level of terror. Suspiria is the kind of film that could have come off as unbelievable and ludicrous, but mixed with the aforementioned ingredients and Dario Argento’s sense of stylized and prodigious direction, everything plays out magnificently. It’s a film that without a doubt has earned its title as one of the most shocking and terrifying pieces of not only Italian cinema, but as horror cinema as well.

roadside attractions

  • High dive hanging.
  • Stained glass impalement.
  • Hallelujah, it’s raining maggots!
  • Medicated wine.
  • Creepy campout.
  • Razor wire rumble.
  • Which is witch?
  • Secrets, secrets and more secrets.
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

More than Argento’s later works, but about as much as his earlier.

7

blood

BREASTS

If there were any bare breasts in this film, I’d be too afraid to look.

10

beast

BEASTS

Unknown assailants, monsterish servants, old hags, witches… and rich, snobby white women.

8.3 OVERALL
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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>