Archive for the 'B-movies' Category

May

posted by Barry Goodall | May 23, 2013 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Barry Goodall

brainstorm

What if you could record all your brain activity on tape for anyone in the world to experience? The same smells, tastes, even emotions just as you felt them. Sure you could experience things like skydiving without ever having to leave your couch. Or scale the Himalayans while riding the bus. But then there’s that stench filled cab ride you had last week where your friend threw up on your docker pants. Now a total stranger can enjoy that too. You could even eat a glazed donut burger and still technically be Vegan thus keeping your hipster street creed… because much like your hipster street cred, it’s all in your mind.

brainstorm In 1983’s Brainstorm, Christopher Walken plays Dr. Michael Brace an eccentric scientist who hangs out with his Chain smoking lab partner Lillian (Louise Fletcher.) Most of their day is spent poking monkeys and wearing wired up space helmets while playing with robots. Normally this is where government grants go to die but one day they discover they can actually record a persons memories on laser tape. It’s the Facebook of the future.They decide to take the invention on the road and record everything they can find with a lab tech wearing a recording helmet. There’s racing cars, going down a waterside, having sex, trying out some equestrian (not necessarily in that order.) Things you could have never experienced yourself without the aide of “TECHONOLOGY!” Their boss loves the demo tape but then boots from the project so it can be packaged up and sold as a home console and to military contractors.

Michael with some free time on his hands uses the new invention for some couples therapy. His wife Karen, played by Natalie Woods is just about to sign the divorce papers until he makes a memory tape for her showing all the good times from their marriage. Scrapbookers eat your heart out. Meanwhile Lillian has a heart attack back at the lab but records her death for scientific study and likely some smut sections at a Thailandese video store. The tape is put under lock and key while the government also takes over the technology to use it for “peaceful military purpose.” Peaceful in that they’ll peacefully torture and brainwash any suspecting commies they can hook it up to. Michael’s son accidentally tries one of these brainwash tapes making him wacko so Michael goes on a crusade to destroy the project once and for all. His robot war knowledge comes in handy as he hacks into the lab computer causing the robots to go on a rampage smashing the brainstorm assembly line. He then gets access to his lab partners death tape so that he can experience some extreme chest pains and the ending to 2001: A space odyssey. While plugged into the death tape at a pay phone, his wife shows up, they hug and he mumbles something about the stars, the Wright Brothers and needing more cowbell. Wow, the hippies were out in full force on this one folks. Barry Goodall says get plugged in with Brainstorm so that you too can experience a couple hours of brainwashing torture.  Let’s just hope that Apple or Google doesn’t make one of these things anytime soon.

roadside attractions

  • DOS Intrigue
  • interactive all you can eat buffets
  • giant brain helmets
  • virtual ardvarking
  • interactive chimpanzees
  • multiple heart attacks
  • Lost IMAX footage
  • chainsmoking lab technicians
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

just a nose bleed

5

blood

BREASTS

Virtual nookie stuck on loop

2

beast

BEASTS

Just a chimpanzee

2.7 OVERALL
dripper

Check out this trailer for “Brainstorm”

trailers

dripper
May

Usually I get swamped with short horror films, gore-fests and Troma wannabe’s and most recently, Asian erotic thrillers (don’t get me wrong, these are good things and I love stuff like that). Then out of nowhere, I received something a little different: A martial arts film that wasn’t a Godfrey Ho cut and paste movie or a Bruce-sploitation flick. So I got curious and checked out the trailer for a little short indy flick called Sins of the Dragon and let me tell you something… I was not expecting to see the awesomeness that I saw. (Editor’s note: I’m totally surprised to see that awesomeness is a word. That squiggly red line didn’t appear under it when I typed it)

Sins of the Dragon isn’t your straight forward martial arts flick. It’s also a fantasy film, so it doesn’t take place at any specific time in history or in the future. Hell, maybe not even this world. But where and when never come into question. Right from the get-go, they explain what you need to know: There are four separate territories and each is ruled by a dragon. Well, the dragon is actually a martial arts master that possesses superhuman abilities. So what do you think if, for example, someone decides they are going to kill the other dragons and gain their powers? They would rule the world, duh!

And it just so happens that someone is doing exactly that. He goes by the name Caligo and wears like this half Jason mask on the bottom half of his face. This is where the movie opens up at actually. We see Caligo fighting Master Sozen, who looks kinda like Raiden from Mortal Kombat (well, actually he is wearing the same hat, but to be honest, I forgot what those were called, so I knew you would be able to follow along if I made that reference). Caligo informs the Master Sozen, and the audience, that he has already killed two of the dragons and is about to make it three.

sotdSins of the Dragon does actually build up their characters and makes sympathetic. Cunri lives with an almost uncontrollable rage, due to his village being slaughtered by Caligo during his quest to kill the other dragons. Thus, it orphaned Cunri, but as fate would have it, he is trained by Master Shaw and met Kaia. See, not all bad, right? Lose your family, gain awesome martial arts skills. Even Steven?

All of this boils down to the final showdown between Cunri and Caligo, after he and Kaia are attacked and exhausted by a group of ninjas. Cunri must use all of his skill to defeat the now almost invincible Caligo. But what of Kaia? What about her fate? Everything rests on this battle!

You’ve probably been seeing the phrase ‘martial arts’ a bit in this review and you must be wondering, “Is there actually any martial arts and is it any good?” To answer it simply: Yes. Oh lord, yes. Sins of the Dragon has more impressive fight choreography than any other big budget movie in the past few years. It’s actually very impressive.

The plot itself is also quite impressive. The characters have an anime vibe to them; Cunri being the brooding protagonist with his smart-arse she-sidekick as they encounter a group of buffoonish thieves; one who is the ‘brain’, one who gets lost in his own metaphors and the third is the silent type all on a quest to stop an evil villain. Sins of the Dragon definitely sets up a fantasy world and invites you in without overwhelming you with complicated mythos or an overabundance of unnecessary back story. It also has its share of special effects that are pretty decent considering the budget and type of film it is, but it’s not what it’s about and you won’t be paying any attention to it once they start roundhouse kicking everyone. It’s an easy film to sit down, watch and enjoy some major butt kicking!

Running in at just under half an hour, everything is well developed and fleshed out, you’ll feel like you watched an episode of some new anime and you want to see what happens next to these characters and you want to see where they go. In a short amount of time, you do feel attached to these characters and at times, you’ll wish there was a more fortunate path for them.

Sins of the Dragon shouldn’t be missed, whether you are looking for a martial arts film or something with some fantasy, it shows how far you can go with a little imagination. Now, run away to Platypus Underground’s website to watch it (there is also an extended cut available)… before Caligo destroys you!

roadside attractions

  • -Ninja Overload!
  • -Ken Masters Stunt Double.
  • -Everyone really does want Kung-fu fighting.
  • -Half Jason/Half Vader
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Sprays, splatters and even a decapitation!.

5

blood

BREASTS

In its place, I offer you ninjas.

9

beast

BEASTS

Did I mention ninjas? Oh and an evil ninja?

7 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Sins of the Dragon”

trailers

dripper
May

posted by Die-Anne Takillya | May 7, 2013 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Die-Anne Takillya

Blood OrgyOn April 5-7, 2013, I invaded Strongsville, Ohio for Cinema Wasteland, and had an absolute blast! I got to spend time with all the Wasteland family, and got to meet one of my true heroines, Brinke Stevens. There was a Slumber Party Massacre reunion with a screening and a panel with cast and crew, 42nd Street Pete had a great talk with Gary Kent, A. Ghastlee Ghoul’s Ghastlee Night at the Movies, Tom Sullivan’s Evil Dead museum, and so much more; but the true highlight of my weekend was going to the screening of Blood Orgy at Beaver Lake with the crew from Silver Bullet Pictures and Troma.

The movie began with a warning, followed by one of the best animated credit sequences I have ever seen, and just about the best theme song in the world. You know from the jump that you are going to see plenty of the 3 B’s.


Blood Orgy

So the flick opens with two of Mr. Delicious’ lady-goons, Joey and Taffy, on the way to Dr. Bung’s laboratory to see if he has finished making the new street drug for them to sell. Dr. Bung and his assistant, Larry are hard at work, because the new drug: Sextacy 69 (A mix of Cocaine, Ecstacy, and Viagra) isn’t quite ready.


They show the ladies a video showing the day that Scott Baio, the test monkey is given a dose, and he goes… well… bananas, and ends up violently… loving Larry’s face, which why he’s in a neck brace.


It hasn’t been tested on humans yet, but the goons force a dose into him, because Mr. D is tired of waiting on his drug.

Blood Orgy

Dr Bung turns into a sex-crazed zombie, complete with a gigantic… er… appendage, and kills Larry the only way a sex-crazed zombie with a gigantic appendage knows how kill a man, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. The goons shoot Dr. Bung and the reanimated Larry, then decide to get rid of the bodies.


They tell Mr. D that Dr. Bung and Larry have run off with his merchandise to Beaver Lake. (In this scene, you’ll see Troma’s very own Lloyd Kaufman as newscaster Harry Ballsonya, reporting on the escapades of the dreaded “Chicken Clucker.”) They decide to go ahead and dump the barrel holding what’s left of the doctor and his unfortunate assistant in Beaver Lake.

Then we cut to a car full of happy campers (Dick, Candy, Peter, Mandy, and Bertha) on their way to a weekend of fun and sun at Beaver Lake. They  ignore the warnings of the wise old man, and continue on their way.

They meet up with their stoner friends, Jerry and Terry, at the ol’ camper and scare away a beaver. They have a happy little renunion; but they’re being spied on by a couple of the hillbilly locals, Cleetus and Clem, who plan on joining the party uninvited. Cleetus is the one with the brains, and tells Clem to get lost and let him watch the fillies, so he sits down and has a strange fantasy where he marries the Destructo Ducko, the centerfold from Quackwhore Magazine. I’ll not spoil what happens for you. That’s a gift for you.

The goons have to stop for directions on the way to Beaver Lake, (Which they get from a feller named ‘Stinky Thumbs.’ I’ll let you get the full effect of that), and bananas for their daquiris, but Taffy doesn’t latch the hatchback when they leave, and the barrel full of Dr. Bung, Larry, and the Sextacy 69 rolls out the back of the truck and into the woods.

The party is rocking at Beaver Lake, everybody’s dancing and getting high; playing volleyball and cavorting around the Beaver Lake park. All seems right with the world… for now. They go back to the camper, toasting and reminiscing. Somebody spills a drink on Mandy, and it’s time for a gratuitous shower scene, complete with peeping hillbilly Clem touching himself in a way that requires confession. He makes a little too much noise, and she almost catches him. He runs into the woods to his still, where we find that Cletus is not happy with the latest batch of moonshine.

Our friend, the Beaver, has found the barrel of goo and starts to eat it, whereupon it has the same effect that it had on Scott Baio. Namely, boooiiiinnnngggg! This makes Cletus notice the barrel, and he tastes it, too! Cleetus and Clem add the goo to their ’shine, and are thrilled with the results.


They decide to take it home to momma, but on the way, the chemicals start to take effect. Cletus and Clem don’t look too good, and they warn Momma not to drink too much, but she guzzles a snoot-full. It turns her into a smoke-farting sex-monster who does unholy things with a turkey leg, and I’ll tell you good people right now, you will see something that will make you scream out loud in terror and joy. After Momma slings her love-slime all over the place, the boys leave in search of some ladies of their own.


Meanwhile, Joey and Taffy find that Beaver snacking on the remnants of the Sextacy 69, and shoo him off, following the trail to Cletus and Clem’s house.


By now, the tainted ‘shine has fully taken ahold of Cleetus and Clem, and they attack two topless joggers, spreading the sex-madness further around Beaver Lake. Poor Bertha goes for a late night swim, and is beset upon by our randy pair of rednecks, who behead her, and perform fenal acts upon her remains.


Joey and Taffy find the barrell at momma’s house, and go inside, where Momma has been abusing herself with the ‘drilldo.’ If you have to ask what that is, you’ll never know. They ventilate her tumescent zombie hide.


Dick and Candy have been searching for Bertha by the lake, and they get attacked by one of the topless zombie joggers, and bite the… dust. Or get bitten by it. At least, Dick gets something bitten off. Whatever. Keep watching.


Jerry and Terry are staying at the camper in case Bertha comes back, but they’re taken out. Jerry’s head gets squashed like a 2-week old cantaloupe, and Terry gets eaten. Things have just got cray-cray.


Dick has shuffled his way to Momma’s cabin, and attacks the goonettes. Taffy gets bitten before Joey can shoot him, and they run from the hoarde of hot-to-trot zombies. They run into Peter and Mandy, who are enjoying nature (wink-wink), and then they all run to a cabin and lock themselves inside. They’re down to four bullets, and Joey has to use one to dispatch Taffy after she turns.


All the sexified zombies have surrounded them, and it looks like everyone is about to get bitten and bangulated. All of a sudden, our Beaver pal is outside and drinks a snoot-full of the tainted ’shine, and morphs into a man-sized beaver with a gigantic appendage of his own. He was so ready to rock, they could have called him Axl.


Everyone goes outside the cabin, and the Beaver… well… um, let’s say Gallagher has nothing on this fella. His… um… beaver gravy (can I say that? Beaver gravy?) melts the zombies, and saves the day, walking off into the moonlight.


I have to tell you, I stood up and cheered at the end of this movie. I had the pleasure of sitting in front of the writer/director, Mike Hartman, and got to share an adult beverage with him and several other folks involved in this beautiful picture.


Drive-In Totals:

Blood: Gallons, just like you’d expect. Not like Niagra Falls, but a good, healthy amount of blood.

Breasts: 25. God Bless America.

Beasts: Scott Baio, Dr. Bung’s Appendage, Stinky Thumbs, Cletus, Clem, Momma, Chicken Clucker, 2 Topless Zombie Joggers, Zombie Dick, Zombie Candy, Zombie Terry, and of course, the Beaver. Dear Lord, the Beaver.

Science-fu, Monkey-Fu, Beaver-fu, Chicken clucking, People making the sign of the epileptic wombat all over the place, heads roll, appendages roll, and the second-highest breast count I’ve seen since Black Candles. There is nothing socially redeeming in this movie, and no lessons learned. Scott Baio was not harmed during the making of this movie.

Check out the trailer for “Blood Orgy”

trailers

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Apr

posted by The Goon | April 8, 2013 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, New Releases, Reviews by the Goon

Fondue

I don’t understand all this hate for Canada. I’ve been there a few times and it’s a nice, quiet place and I always have a good time. After all, they have given us wonderful things like Bacon, Rush and poutine. Well now I would like to add another thing to that list: The films of young filmmaker Torin Langen. Usually when we think of Canadian films, The Final Sacrifice comes to mind, but I’m here to erase that memory from your mind and fill it with a pleasant one.

This memory in particular is a short I was fortunate enough to see entitled Fondue from Candle Flame Films. I wasn’t sure what Fondue was about, but having seen some of Torin’s previous work, such as Trash, I was pretty excited to view this. And let me tell you… I was blown away.

The film starts off with a young woman sitting quietly by herself on sidewalk of a busy city. A young man comes to meet her and the two frolic off to a department store where they pick up some creepy masks and some cheerful looking pumpkin buckets for Trick or Treating, giving you the indication that it’s probably for Halloween. However, the streets seem to be lacking any children, dressed as ghouls or goblins out and about haggling for candy door to door. It’s here that the pair dons there masks and walk side by side down some railroad tracks as they mark their hands with an ‘F’. They make their way to a house that looks like it should be in a Rob Zombie film as they bump into another young woman, also in a mask holding a bucket, as she is skipping away from the house. The three stare at each other for a moment and it’s at this moment when you realize how quiet the town seems and that something terrible could happen at any moment. The young girl just scoots pass them as they make their way up to the door.

Once at the house, someone in a mask invites the girl in as the boy waits outside. The interior of the house, desperately needing some interior decoration (maybe someone should call the guys from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition). The girl is instructed to go upstairs after being handed an intense looking knife, hooked and bearing teeth similar to a saw. Once upstairs, she hesitates for a moment and stands in a doorway, very reminiscent of slasher villains Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers. Then we see what she was staring at: A young man, bound and gagged in a rusted, filthy bathtub, hooked up to some homemade IV. She advances with the knife and the film reveals its true nature.

Fondue was truly unnerving for the right reasons. For starters, the film’s muted color bring out the grey sky, the orange and brown of the dead leaves and the dried blood red house make you feel uncomfortable in your own surroundings, leaving you with a sense of dread that you are in constant danger. The only time we see the characters faces is at the beginning. These kids look innocent and harmless, but once they don their monster masks, which seem to fit their faces and personality, they turn into soulless beings capable of macabre things. Fondue is also void of any dialogue and the actors are forced to show emotion through masks, which is no easy task when no one speaks and is hiding their faces, but their eyes, peering beyond the masks (especially actress Raven Cousens) shakes you to your core.

Aside from the wind whipping dead tree branches, the sound or gravel and hardwood floors beneath their shoes and the occasional passing train, Fondue’s only soundtrack are very rusty guitar strings, reminding me of Neil Young, matches the tone, both visually and viscerally.

Overall, the film was an eerie experience and had sort of a Jim Jarmusch vibe to it, mixed with a little bit of Hitchcock tension. Fondue is respectually getting the recognition it deserves and turning heads (and stomachs) at film festivals all over. Keep your eye for this one and on the director/writer Torin Langen. That kid is going places, I tell ya.

roadside attractions

  • Monster Mask Mania
  • Homemade IV Goodness
  • Fondue Dipping Fun
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Everyone, everything… except the dude in the tub.

7

blood

BREASTS

If you count that one boob in the bathtub.

9

beast

BEASTS

Everyone, everything… except the dude in the tub.

8.1 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Fondue”

trailers

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Mar

Tremors

If there’s one thing in America that we know how to do right it’s to make things bigger. Double Cheeseburger? Sure only if you’re a communist. We take our burgers with triple meat patties, bacon and a fried egg thank you very much. Grocery shopping? That should always require a forklift and a back brace. We buy our mayonnaise in 50 gallon, bathe in big gulps and  toss dwarfs just for fun. Huge is the American way. Let the Europeans make tiny furniture if they want to. We’ll take the Lazy Boy with the built in fridge that can seat 20. Sure, we might not have the smartest kids in the world but they will be the biggest and they will sit on anyone that oppose us. Heck yeah ‘Merica!

TremorsSpeaking of super sizing, some giant man-eating worms are trying to eat Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward, and only the dad from Family Ties and his 100 pounds of TNT can stop em’.  Somewhere out in the desert a small town has been having problems with sheep mutilations, backed up sewage and a rapid outbreak of guys stranded on telephone polls. Valentine (Kevin Bacon) and Earl (Fred Willard) are the local handymen who get a gooey sock puppet stuck to their pickup truck when they’re sent to investigate. Turns out it’s from an underground worms (or graboids as the locals call them) which are attracted to noise and constant bickering which Valentine and Earl do plenty of. They’re just like your mom and dad except with more drinking. The handymen are set out on horseback to try to get help before the worms swallow the whole town up and nobody notices.

Out in the desert the horses get worminated and Valentine and Earl have to high jump over an aqueduct just as  a mutant nightcrawler smashes it’s noggin into a concrete barrier. The resident hottie seismologist shows up and teaches them to pole vault across rocks so they don’t become worm food. It’s sure lucky those Olympic gymnastics left all their practice equipment behind. Then they all high tail it back to town with the graboids in hot pursuit and hang out on the grocery store roof and yell at each other.

Meanwhile, the Jumanji girl gets nearly eaten while playing on a pogo stick and Reba McEntire and Michael Gross blast a graboid in their rec-room with enough firepower to defeat North Korea. They’re quickly outnumbered so Valentine uses a lawn mower as a decoy and  they all load up in the back of a semi that he drives behind a bulldozer towards the mountains. It sounds a lot like the end of the Sound of Music except with less nazis.The graboids set a booby trap for the truck and the town folk get stuck on a rock where they start worm fishing with dynamite in hopes to escape. It’s effective but messy. The last worm smartens up and refuses to take the bait but chases Valentine towards a cliff crashing into a gooey mess onto the rocks below. Valentine does a footloose punch dance in a grain silo and saves the town from a life without rock n’ roll. Oh wait…that was another movie. Anyways, Barry Goodall says to give “Tremors” a shake. You’ll get a little more joy out of baiting your fishing hook next time.

and before you might decide on something else to watch, remember  that Reba Macantire is watching you, always. She’s like a red headed country music ninja santa.

roadside attractions

  • excessive rock,paper, scissors
  • pogo sticking
  • multiple pee breaks
  • moron kid stuck on outhouse
  • explosion fishing
  • septic tank-fu
  • Reba McEntire-fu
  • 6 degrees of Bacon
  • worm drilling
  • rock pole vaulting
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Sheep guts, drilling graboids, multiple worm explosions and worm shrapnel. Multiple graboid snacking on town folk.

0

blood

BREASTS

Nadda Ta-ta.

8

beast

BEASTS

So many worms you’d think it was a redneck bait shop.

9.7 OVERALL
dripper

Check out this trailer for “Tremors”

trailers

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