Archive for the 'B-movies' Category

Feb

posted by General Relativity | February 6, 2013 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Reviews by General Relativity

Wishmaster is basically like the worst grammar nazi friend ever. Not in the sense that the Wishmaster corrects you when you use “lesser” when you mean “fewer” and gets all pissy when people say “very unique.” Rather, Wishmaster takes everything you say absolutely literally. On top of that he is completely evil. So he will interpret whatever you say in the most detailed, literal, and evil way possible. For example, if you were to say “I wish I could fly,” the WIshmaster would make you levitate into the atmosphere until you froze in the blackness of space. Or, to take another example, if you were in prison and upset about that situation and said, “I wish my good for nothing lawyer would go copulate with himself, such is my hate for him.” (but in not those exact words), the Wishmaster would make the lawyer copulate with himself. Seriously. That actually happens in the movie (NSFW).

The plot of Wishmaster 2, much like its inferior predecessor, consists of the titular evil genie, played by the amazing Andrew Divoff, going from situation to situation tricking hapless mortals into making wishes which he interprets in the most literal and frequently gory and hilarious way possible. For some reason, the Wishmaster decides to get himself arrested so he can go to prison, where people wish things like “I wish I could slip through these bars” with predictably gory results. Anyway, the plot isn’t important. Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies is a hidden gem of 90’s b-horror, mostly thanks to the deliriously hammy Divoff. He is like a performance artist from some edgy comedy troupe dropped into a horror movie. With his demented rictus and bizarre line readings, his interactions with actors attempting (and failing) at naturalism become more surreal than scary.

The Lessons from “Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies”:

-Just leave the mystical lamp/gem/whatever alone. Don’t polish it.
-If you are going to make a wish, make sure its carefully wordsmithed beforehand.

roadside attractions

  • Evil Detail-Oriented Genie
  • Wishes Granted
  • Excellent 1990’s Fashions
  • Prisoners Tormented
  • Gang Bangers
  • Talking Placentas
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

All you could wish for.

1

blood

BREASTS

Nobody wishes to get laid by a supermodel. Do the filmmakers know their audience? Isn’t that the most common wish?

10

beast

BEASTS

I wish Divoff’s Wishmaster was rightfully heralded along the great new wave horror monsters

9 OVERALL
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Check out this trailer from “WISHMASTER 2 EVIL NEVER DIES”

trailers

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Jan

posted by Barry Goodall | January 28, 2013 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall, Sci-Fi

arcade

A possessed video games starts stealing kids souls in 1993’s “Arcade” and only Peter Billingsley and his trusty red rider rifle can stop it. Peter plays Nick, a self proclaimed gaming wizard who thinks he can beat any game ever made. He and his slacker buddies head down to the Dante’s Inferno Arcade to check out a new videogame and listen to some Pearl Jam. The game is called Arcade and supposedly so high-tech you have to look through a submarine scope and use joysticks while wearing racing gloves. That’s 90’s marketing genius.

Nick is the first to give it a try but once inside the virtual gaming arena, he gets stuck in a spike maze and is killed by a flaming skull bat. Stunned by his defeat, Nick claims it’s the most amazing game he’s ever seen. Really Nick?…even more amazing than Kirby Superstar? All the kids are given a free console version by the promoter but sadly Ebay hasn’t been invented so they can’t sell it back. Alex (Megan Ward) resident newbie isn’t as impressed but her boyfriend Greg ditches her to stay behind and play it anyways. The game microwaves him like day old pizza and he disappears in a puff of smoke. Nobody really notices or cares, but I blame Nirvana.

arcadeDays later people finally start asking what happened to Greg and Alex’s console game starts taunting her about her now teen spirit boyfriend is trapped inside and she’s next. She rushes over to Nick’s to be “consoled” who doesn’t believe her until witnessing a friend getting nuked while playing it in her living room.

Alex and Nick decide to go to the game’s sleazy promotor Mr. Dillford, played by John De “Q” Lance who tells them they are on “trial for crimes against humanity!” OK not really. He actually has no clue what they’re talking about so he takes them to game’s programmer, Albert for some valuable gamer tips. His best advice is “don’t die” and then shows them a picture of a game map for bonus points. Albert must have missed the beta testing.

Alex and Nick plug back into the game now turbo-charged with kids souls but Nick gets wiped out on the first level and Alex gets zapped into a bonus round where her mom commit suicide. Wow, so remember kids don’t play video games or your parents will die. Glad she didn’t make it to the “kicking puppies” level.

ArcadeAlex fortunately had earned a extra bonus life so she’s able to return back to the playfield to defeat the possessed game, free her friends and getting back her loser boyfriend Greg all before dinner. Sadly Nick didn’t even get to first base with Alex. He must have too busy being the “gaming master” or maybe it was the pink bunny suit he kept wearing?

“Arcade” is not one of Full Moon’s better films that didn’t involve killer puppets or star Tim Thomerson but the 20 minutes of psychedelic credits were interesting enough. Barry Goodall says check it out but only if you’re running low on gaming tokens. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to get back to playing a much better game of Angry Birds.

roadside attractions

  • Flaming skull bats
  • CGI by a 5th grader
  • Seth Green’s Hair
  • The spiked cave Level from the game Doom
  • Emo pod racing
  • Slacker power gloves
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

A  few ketchup drops on a sucidial housewife’s blonde wig.

0

blood

BREASTS

The only boobs are the ones that paid money to see this in the theater.

5

beast

BEASTS

The arcade machine itself and a few CGI rendered flaming skull bats left over from a Def Leopard video.

2.5 OVERALL
dripper

Check out this trailer from “Arcade”

trailers

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Jan

posted by The Goon | January 7, 2013 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Reviews by the Goon

Dead City

Don’t get me started on zombie films. In a nutshell, there are too many of them and they don’t offer anything different: Same makeup, same stupid hissing sounds and same plots. But take this little gem from the mid 90’s. Here’s a little movie from The Necro Files director Matt Jaissle that offers a different spin on the zombie genre, much like Dead Heat was a zombie movie. Now that I think about it, you could also compare this movie to Universal Soldier, only with a mullet clad hero instead of Van Damme. That’s a good thing.

Anyway, onto the movie! Dr. Bloom played by Bill Hinzman, who I barely recognized behind that hunky mustache… or maybe it’s because his face wasn’t painted grey and he wasn’t chomping down on a boobie, has discovered a way to reanimate dead tissue. I guess Herbert West should have patented that. The good doctor had to borrow money from the mob to fund this little science fair project and they are dubbed as ‘Cybernetic Zombie Assassins’ or CZA’s. Kinda catchy. Actually, it kinda sounds like a member of the Wu Tang Clan. The CZA’s are draped in black trench coats and these weird Mortal Kombat ninja masks with goggles and tubes. Come to think of it, they kinda look like the Augers from Night Trap. Did you ever play that? Good lord. So as one may have figured, the doctor has a change of heart (some BS about moral issues, I dunno) and the mob boss Francis has him gunned down. Francis is the kind of guy who does indeed wear his sunglasses at night so he can keep track of the visions in his eyes. He also slicks his hair back with about several gallons of shoe polish and wears black suits that he probably lifted from a funeral home and has a very ‘snake-like’ face. But that’s just my opinion. He’s a greaseball. That’s what I’m trying to say.

Dead CityEnter Dr. Bloom’s son, Taylor (the mullet guy I mentioned earlier) who looks kinda like if Kyle Reese had a severe addiction to gravy and painkillers. Taylor is all like, “Where’s my dad?” And Dr. Bloom’s porky, drunk lab assistant Russell is all like, “He’s dead, bro.” Then Taylor is all like, “Bro?” Then Russell is like, “Bro.” Well it wasn’t quite like that, but you get the idea. Taylor and Russell decide they are going to use the CZA’s to get revenge on the mobsters. But first, they have to rebuild all the CZA’s in a sweet 80’s montage! Or should I say 90’s? Either way, it’s awesome! That is until the bucket of ice cold water to the groin of a girlfriend of Taylor, Heather. Basically, her role is small and simple: Try to be the moral compass and tell them the revenge plan isn’t a good idea. Pbbt, stupid girl.

Taylor goes along with his plan anyway, because he is pissed off, so to hell with everyone and their stupid feelings! This dude has some major daddy issues and pretty much has a jock mentality of just beating the crap out of everything as an answer. So the CZA’s kill the mob and then wander off and start killing everyone. And by everyone I mean a couple people, two of which are cops who don’t call for back up and scream at each other like they are trying to talk over some loud noises that aren’t there.  Taylor realizes that he must set out to stop them, only to get stabbed in the chest by a CZA with Wolverine style claws. However, Russell and Taylor know that if they bring him back as a CZA, then he can stop them once and for all! It’s actually not a bad plan. Although in an earlier scene, the CZA gang up on Taylor, who only has a shotgun, but they run away when his girlfriend shows up. I guess the CZA’s biggest weakness is frizzy ladies’ 90’s hair.

Dead CityOh remember that mob boss? Yeah, he comes back as a CZA too, but with this goofy cartoon chipmunk voice. Apparently he had his own group of scientist copy the same serum that Dr. Bloom created. So why would he keep funding a project if he already had what he was after? To be more evil, of course!

Dead City, also called Legion of the Night, is a low budget, cheesy good time. The entire cast chews scenery like a kid chews Big League Chew: big slurpy gulps. It’s a lot of fun to watch and worth a couple laughs. The only downside is there really isn’t enough to satisfy any gore hound. The movie tends to shy away in that department.

Regardless of my small complains, this one comes highly recommended. The Legion commands it!

“The version I had the honor of seeing was a limited release from local VHS aficionados Vultra Video. They brought the best copy they could get a hold of and produced this video, so please check out their site www.vultravideo.com.

roadside attractions

  • Evil Mob Boss Grease?
  • Foul Mouthed Renegades
  • ?Homeless(er) Kyle Reese?
  • Augers!?
  • Wolverine Ninja Skillz!
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

A few squibs. Pip, pip, pip.

3

blood

BREASTS

One set of gozangas

9

beast

BEASTS

Sure those CZA are deadly, but these Mobster’s grease are just as deadly!

7.6 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Dead City” aka “Legion of the Night”

trailers

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Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 9, 2012 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Audio Review, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Podcast

Join the Lost Highway mutant gang ( Giallo Goon,Barry Goodall, The Doktor, and Die-Anne Takillya) as they discuss the 1987 beefy Jon Mikl Thor’s cheese flick Rock n’ Roll Nightmare. Listen with the player below, or use the Download link to save a copy of the MP3 to your computer.

Download the Podcast
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Available in iTunes

Dec

Remo Williams The Adventure Begins

Remo, that name sure wouldn’t strike fear in the heart of criminals. it’s not really a manly name like a Chuck or Arnold or even a Stone Cold Austin. It’s more like something you would name your old Camaro. “I think the Remo is burning some oil, might need to replace the headers. No Suzie, you can’t wear my Van Halen shirt or you might curse the band to break up.” But sadly Remo is the name of our hero in 1985’s “Remo Williams: The adventure begins.” What was originally based on a series of action novels would have likely been the kick off to a successful b-movie franchise if it wasn’t for the fact that A. Nobody saw it and B. It made no money. I blame Reagonomics. It’s too bad since It’s actually a pretty decent flick. You just have to get pass the dang 80’s montage music and bad Asian stereotypes.

Remo Williams The Adventure BeginsOfficer Samual Macon is out on patrol when he gets into a brawl with some street punks chasing each other in the alley, but they’re simply no match for his manly mustache and trusty 2×4. After a brutal rumble, He settles back in his patrol car for some day old burgers but his car gets rear-ended over the pier. “No, someone please save my burgers!’ then it’s mostly just gurgling and gasping for air.

Macon awakes later in a hospital having his face altered by plastic surgery. They actually just shaved off his mustache and gave him a hair cut and some new clothes making him unrecognizable. It’s like face/off through extreme makeover. Agent MacClearly is waiting in the room like a creeper who tells Macon that he’s been recruited into a secret government agency and that his name is now Remo, appropriately named after cabana boys everywhere. Mac takes Remo to meet the head hancho of the organization Mr Smith, played by Wilfred “Quaker Oats” Brimley. He tells him that his old life is over now and soon he’ll be snipping corrupt CEO’s and evil politicians for a living. Plus, he’ll get great medical and dental coverage if he ever catches the “diabetes.”

Remo Williams The Adventure BeginsFor his first mission Remo has to try to assassinate a small korean man name Chiun at a nearby apartment. Not an easy task as Chiun moves like a caffeinated spider monkey that can dodge bullets or render you paralyzed with a single finger punch. After a humiliating defeat McClearly reveals that Chiun is going to be the guy responsible for training Remo as a deadly assassin despite thinking he moves like a pregnant baboon. Remo is forced to move in with Chiun where he’s trains by jumping across obstacle courses and dodging Chiun’s random pistol shots at breakfast. At night Remo relaxes with some fingerboard exercising and enriched white rice while Chiun watches soap operas. Yeah, it’s just like the odd couple only with gun play.

Meanwhile in what feels like an entirely separate A-team episode, a military accountant Major Flemming (Kate Mulgrew) discovers that an evil CEO is part of a a corrupt weapons procurement program. Please, as if that would ever happen today. She brings it up during a press conference but nobody seems to listen despite her being a star trek captain. But the CEO, Mr. Grove, begins to feel the heat and sends out some goons to keep tabs on her.

Remo is sent in to investigate Mr. Grove, but a henchman tracks him down at the statue of liberty where some paid-off construction worker try to beat him up with lead pipes. Union workers are no match for Remo’s new made-for-tv moves so he easily escapes with some light gymkata and face punching. Later, Remo and MacClearly sneaks into Grove’s research laboratory where they bump into some circus trained dobermans who pull down fire escapes and walk tight ropes and all without the aid of Russian acrobat music. Remo barely escapes but MacClearly gets his fake armed ripped off by one of the mutts then gets shot in the back. I bet he was only 2 weeks away from retirement too!

Remo wanting revenge, infiltrate the military proving grounds where Mr. Grove is using his procured weapons of mass distraction. He traps Remo and Major Flemming in a sealed room where the only way he can escape is by scrapping a bad guy’s diamond encrusted tooth against the glass. Remo decides to ride a hanging log over the forest (not a euphemism) and do some dance moves to dodge Mr. Groves gunshots then torching him in his army jeep. The military try to arrest Remo but he escapes on a jet boat with Chiun riding shotgun like a happy puppy in a car window. Which never really answers the question “What is weapon procurement” and “Does Wilford Brimley really have the diabetes?”

Barry Goodall says let your adventure begin… and end with Remo Williams but don’t forget to finish your training montage and pack some extra Quaker Oats. It’s the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it.

roadside attractions

  • Tom Selleck fake mustaches
  • Bullet dodging
  • Laser attack
  • Amputee cat burglar
  • Running on water
  • Ferris wheel kung-fu training

  • Construction worker hitmen
  • Log riding
totals

3

blood

BLOOD

Very little except for a few nose bleeds

1

blood

BREASTS

Well, Remo is kinda a big boob

1

beast

BEASTS

The henchman is bordering on human but only barely. Also a fake mustache that almost appears to be alive.

7.8 OVERALL
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Check out this trailer from “Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins”

trailers

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