Archive for the 'B-movies' Category

Sep

posted by Doktor | September 21, 2013 | 70's b-movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

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Tagline: It’s Exactly Like Star Wars, Only Different

(Actually, there wasn’t a tagline so I supplied one worthy of the film.)

Year: 1979            Runtime: 103 min

Director: Alfonso Brescia

Writer: Alfonso Brescia, Massimo Lo Jacono, Giacomo Mazzocchi

Starring: Yanti Somer, Gianni Garko, Malisa Longo

All artists want to make money on their art. One way that filmmakers achieve this is by riding on the coattails of a more popular, and lucrative, film. For examples see: Roger Corman, The Asylum, or any Kung Fu film starring Bruce Le, Li, Lei, Lea or any other permutation of the spelling of Lee. Star Odyssey is a Spaghetti Star Wars film.

Like all good b-movies there was something within the first thirty seconds that let me know this was a winner: the supporting cast credits are alphabetized. Sort of.

  • First title card:
    • Al Elliot
    • Caty Water
    • Joseph Thorne
  • Second title card:
    • Phil Browne
    • Tony Forster
    • Phil Shelby
    • Frank Weber
  • Third title card:
    • Max Right
    • Robert Egan
    • Steve Jordan

See what they did there? They couldn’t decide on whether to alphabetize by first name or last. Ah, man. If they couldn’t figure out that trivial detail…

Star Odyssey is the story of evil Lord of the Universe Kress who has purchased the Earth in a Space Auction™. Little does he know that the humans of Earth are not going to be taken into slavery so easily, not if Professor Morrie has anything to say about it.

As I mentioned at the top, most of Star Odyssey is in some way a Rent-a-Center version of Star Wars. The most egregious being the characters and Mental Force™.

Characters:

  • Lord Kress: Rent-a-Center Darth Vader without the helmet. Looks like his face was caught in a waffle iron.
  • Professor Morrie. Rent-a-Center Obi Wan Kenobi. Can use Rent-a-Center version of the Force, Mental Force™.
  • Hollywood: Rent-a-Center Luke Skywalker. Lieutenant in the Space Military. Sweet mustache (Actually everyone in the film has a sweet mustache. Who was the casting agency, the police department?) Aside from that a total doofus. Always posing. Seriously. Hands on his hips, chest puffed out, posing. This guy makes the actors in the old Doctor Who shows look like Marlon Brando.
  • Dirk Laramie: Rent-a-center Han Solo. Also has Mental Force™ so I guess he’s part Luke, too.
  • Irene: Rent-a-Center Princess Leia. Dirk/Hollywood love interest. Also a plot device allowing Morrie to get kidnapped at just the right wrong time.
  • Tilt & Tilly: Rent-a-center C3PO’s. Male and female, respectively. Product of a drunken night threesome between a retarded Cybermen, a teletubby and Howard the Duck. To top them off, quite literally, is a Xmas tree star. Lurv struck idiots. All they do is complain like a bitter old couple.
  • Space Aryans™: Rent-a-Center Storm Troopers. Lord Kress’s minions. Gold Space Suits with Prince Valiant hair. They’re actually androids. They fight with Rent-a-center light sabers. Well, not really fight. They are terrible swordsmen. They have one move: over-the-head strike. This attack is instantly parried and then they’re cut down with a gut/back slash. EVERY SINGLE ONE!

Mental Force Powers:

  • Persuade – great for suckering simple minded idiots into doing your bidding, which includes getting Hollywood to help with Morrie’s scheme.
  • Telekenesis – great for cheating a Space Plinko™.
  • Telepathy – great for opening one particular door on Kress’s ship.
  • Feel Presence – great plot device to make Kress aware of Morrie.
  • Xray Vision – great for cheating at Space Poker™.
  • Net – great plot device to hold Kress’s ship from leaving while finishing off the secret weapons.
  • Acceleration Disrupt – unnecessary plot device. Kress’s fighters are faster than Earth’s fighters. Morrie uses this to slow down the enemy’s ships to even the field.

What they should have borrowed was a book from the library on how to write. And edit. Right in the middle of collecting the team, the movie goes off the rails. I think the editor dropped the script and put it back together out of order. Scenes that should have come earlier are thrown in willy-nilly:

  1. Introduce Dirk at the Space Casino™ playing cards. He uses the Mental Force Xray Vision™ to read the other players cards. Oh, so this is why Dirk was in this heretofore random place and why these heretofore random guys want to beat him up for taking their money.
  2. Space Command freaking out because the automatic defense systems do not work on the UFO (which is pronounced OO-fo). Space Commander calls for an analysis of the video to determine what the UFO’s made of in the hopes there is some way to fight it. Oh, so that’s how they know what Kress’s ship is made of.
  3. Lords of the Universe Space Auction™. Kress purchases the Earth for $100 million credits. Oh, so that’s what Kress meant when he mentioned that he bought the Earth.

They probably could have edited it back together properly, but that would cost money, and they had already gone over budget, $13.78, on the make-up for the Lords of the Universe. Instead it’s just back to the regularly scheduled program like nothing just happened.

As for the story, the plot revolves around Morrie and his team coming up with a weakness in enderium. Enderium is the indestructible space material of the future that all of evil Lord Kress’s ships are made of. Can they do it? Yeah. Duh! Morrie has an intelligence which puts him “two centuries ahead of everyone” on Earth. Kress is only a “couple hundred centuries” more advanced that Earth. Pssssshhh! He doesn’t stand a chance. And before you get all bent out of shape that I’ve spoiled the movie, I haven’t. The magic is all about how they get there. And I’ll do you one better ‘cos I’m such a nice guy. You can watch the whole movie here for free.

Oh, and your welcome for the earworm in the main photo above.

roadside attractions

  • Hear dialogue that tells what is happening before your very eyes! It’s exposition-irific!
  • Marvel at the Rent-a-Center R2D2, Jeeves, the idiot savantobot. A 50 gallon garbage drum with dryer vent arms that mostly serves drinks from its breast compartments.
  • Wonder at the Space Warden’s™ orgasmatron executive desk toy. No explanation as to what it is, what it’s doing, or why it’s doing it.
  • Listen as the music cycles between parking lot carnival organ grinder and 70’s PBS after school special.
  • Thrill at the futurific computer sound effects straight out of Pong™.
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

No blood. But they did’a hav’a da budget fo’ da special defects’a.

0

blood

BREASTS

This is REALLY sad for a 70s Italian film. They, of all people, know better! I wept.

10

beast

BEASTS

I don’t know which was more gruesome, the Lords of the Universe or the Space Aryans™ or the “heroes”.

6.66 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Star Odyssey”

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Sep

posted by Die-Anne Takillya | September 16, 2013 | B-movies, New Releases, Review by Die-Anne Takillya

Comments Off on Devil’s Playground

I found a little treasure in the infamous $5 bin:  Devil’s Playground, a treat from our neighbors across the pond!

Newgen, a pharmaceutical company, has developed a drug meant to be a performance enhancer that you shoot into your veins instead of pour down your gullet. Everything goes smoothly for two months, but then the folks from the trial start vomiting like Linda Blair and having multiple organ failure; somehow the drug has given them a virus. This causes the company head to flip out, and round up all the guinea pigs. They find all except one, Angela Mills, who apparently is exhibiting none of the symptoms. They send their mercenary, Cole to find her, but alas, she has vacated her apartment and left no forwarding address.

Back at the lab, things are going to hell in a hand-basket. Wilhelm screams abound as trialists thrash around on their hospital beds, and we see the original test subject popping veins all over like a bodybuilder. He’s getting worse, because they stopped giving him the viral suppressant that was keeping him from turning into a zombie. Boy howdy, does he turn! He jumps off that table and starts chomping on scientists, leaping around the room like a cirque du soleil acrobat in boxer briefs. Cole dispatches him with extreme prejudice, but not before getting bitten.  He comes to, and the doctor gives him three doses of the viral suppressant juice, which gives him about 18 hours to find Angela and bring her back. In the meantime, we enter the only part of this movie I would have scissored out; we meet Joe, an ex-cop who was jailed for shooting a 14 year old who was high on crack during an altercation. Heís just made bail, and is trying to get back to Angela via family friend Steve. During all this, Angela is making plans to get out of the city and to her brother, Matt, who has a chopper to escape the outbreak.

London has gone berserk; the zombie folk running and doing parkour jumps all over the place. Every chase scene looked like an extreme sports video; runners, jumpers, flippers, leapers Hoo, boy! But do I love a fast moving zombie sometimes! Blood is always flying, teeth always snapping, it’s awesome.  Our little group of survivors is chased  all the way to Steve’s garage, and they’re met by an American banker and his British partner who have run from the subway where they got zombushed.

Cole finds them and saves them from a group of zeds that followed. Now starts the us against them portion of the story; the bank couple are scared that they’ll get left behind for a zombie midnight snack, so they start wheedling their way into the psyche of Kate, and convince her to lock Angela in the office while they all try to escape. Luckily, Joe is finally good for something and helps her climb out of the window while Cole dispatches the undead scum.

Joe has serious issue with Cole wanting to take Angela to the hospital; she is pregnant, and you don’t need Maury Povich to tell you that it’s his! So, heís basically treating her like a mean dog with a chew toy, and telling her where she’s gonna go and what sheís gonna do. The movie goes on like this for a while; they get chased, Cole rescues them, then they pull weapons on him and tell him Angela’s not going anywhere with them, then Angela says she is, then they get attacked again. It may be repetitive, but it is entertaining.

We then get to meet Matt and his partner Jim; theyíre police who used to work with Joe. They’re making their way to the chopper on an inflatable boat. I’m serious. Jim has been bitten, and has made Matt swear to put him down if he turns. When they arrive, the chopper has been destroyed; looks like the zombies got there first. Luckily, the radio is still working, and Matt receives instructions to meet a ship 10 miles down the Thames because the only safe travel is water; for some reason the ghouls are afraid of it. By this time, Jim has turned, and chases Matt into the ruins.

Back at the ranch, the bankers have locked Steve and Kate out of the fishing shack they ran to, and Steve gets bitten. Cole almost kills them when they confess, and Steve offs himself so he doesnít turn into a monster. Angela makes them all pile into the van, Cole convinces her that she is the only one who can stop this, even though Joe is being a real jerk about the whole thing; I mean,  the rest of the human race getting killed off, or your baby-mama giving away a few pints of blood? Which would you choose?

All hell breaks loose as they get to the choppahh Sorry, started channeling Ahnold the barbarian there. Ahem… where were we? Oh yeah! The bankers get left behind because the man got hisself bit and turned into a zombie, and the lady banker tried to kill Angela. Joe gets bitten in the fracas, decides to stay behind with Cole, and Angela ends up in the boat with Matt, on her way to safety and to save the human race.

All-in-all, it is a rollicking ride of a zombie movie. By rollicking, I mean it rides like that tilt-a-whirl that’s held together by duct tape and carny spit: You just kind of hang on for dear life and look forward to the end! It is an hour and a half long rip-off homage to 28 Days Later, Night of the Living Dead, and Dawn of the Dead.

Roadside totals:
Blood: GALLONS. Lots of good guts and gore flowing across your screen.
Breasts: No jahoobies were released during the filming of this movie.
Beasts: Too many to count, including the ones that weren’t zombies!
Gratuitous Inflatable raft, jealous dude, heads explode, acrobatic zombies, terrible accents.

Watch the trailer for “Devil’s Playground”

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Sep

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Blood Hook

Nothing quite like relaxing at the lake in your boat with your friends. That’s right; you, you’re friends and your Johnson… Anyone remember that? Anyone? Well anyway, it was all fun and games, until your pal (most likely nicknamed ‘Smitty’) drank one too many Milwaukee’s Best and then got snagged by a giant lure, dragged off the boat and murdered. Sound familiar? Then welcome to the world of Blood Hook, where someone has bigger fish to catch… like human!

After a traumatic scene of a boy watching his grandfather grip at his face and sink into the lake while disregarding the laws of science and sinking rather than floating (there’s your backstory, ladies and gents), we cut to seventeen years later as that boy, Peter (who delivers every line through a stuffy nose), his girlfriend Ann and a group of his friends are going to a cabin on the lake for some partying. Can’t say I’ve ever heard that plot before. I’m sure they will be fine and live full, healthy lives. But in all seriousness, they are there to do just more than party. This cabin use to be Peter’s grandfather’s and good ol’ salty Mr. Duerst has been keeping an eye on the place with the help of Evelyn (I didn’t know Evelyn was a man’s name), a porky Vietnam vet with post traumatic stress disorder. Just the kind of people you want hanging around on your property drinking cheap, watery American beer all day. Oh and let’s not forget about Mr. Leudke, who’s Bratwurst accent is so thick you would want to drizzle syrup all over it. It’s ripe for some MST3K style riffing…

bh_2The gang is in town just in time for Muskie Madness, a fishing competition to see who can catch the largest Muskie! Fishing competition? What is this, Wisconsin? Oh, it is. Families arrive for the festivities, like the unnamed dysfunctional family whose mother is obsessed with loons (the scene where she walks along the dock making loon noises is priceless). Anyway, Peter’s really annoying friend and music lover, Rodney, has been all over town irritating the locals and listening to the same song over and over… and over… and over. Get use to hearing that song, because it’s basically the only song you will hear the entire film. Finally, the movie can’t tolerate him anymore and decides he needs to die, sparing you and I another line of 80’s slang from his oily face. On a boat alone, he gets snagged by a foot long lure and dragged into the water never to be seen again. They find the boat the next day and Peter thinks he’s been murdered, probably because he was. But the Sheriff won’t hear about it since, “There ain’t been no murder in seventeen years!” The Sheriff can’t go screaming bloody murder and upsetting the 30,000 people there (the US’s entire Packers fan population) for Muski Madness, although you only see about 27 people at most and… really? 30,000 people show up in Middle-of-nowhere, Wisconsin for a fishing festival that only has a stage no larger than the back of a truck? Never mind that, Peter thinks it was Evelyn, due to him wanting to ‘blow things away’, but the chubby little schizo is innocent. But no more of that nonsense, the Sheriff has forms to fill out.

At the competition, we are introduced to Bev. She’s a single mom, obsessed with running and sit-ups and would fit in quite nicely with any ‘bro’ at Bally’s Total Fitness. I won’t go into her parenting skills, but let’s just say I wouldn’t trust her to watch paint dry. She crushes on Peter’s manic depressive friend Finner and she comments on his nice pole (fishing pole, you perv!). Inbetween all of the fishing, bad parenting and everything involving the Packers, you may have noticed that people are getting snagged by this killer lure when that song is playing. At first you may be thinking it was the only song they could afford, but they do manage to tie it in. It would seem our killer has a metal plate in his head, resonating all kinds of frequencies in his brain and making him go all Norman Bates. But let’s be real, after hearing that song a dozen times, even I wanted to kill someone. Peter discovers the identity of the killer after all of friends are already dead, but still may be able to save his girlfriend, so I guess you win some and you lose some. With the help of Evelyn (still can’t get over that) and Mr. Duerst, they set out to stop the madman and catch the largest Muskie Wisconsin could ever dream of. Now that’s a big Muskie.

bh_2It’s a unique little slasher film, substituting a fishing lure for a butcher knife. You get the feel that this film was written and directed by Wisconsin natives and are well aware off all of their oddball stereotypes and decided to have fun with it, without making it an obvious spoof. It does take itself semi-serious, especially in the final act. What it lacks in guts (literally, not a whole lot of gore), it makes up in heart and director Jim Mallon shows it… Wait a second. Fishing, Wisconsin, Jim Mallon… this is all beginning to add up. That’s right! Mystery Science Theater 3000 director Jim Mallon directed this film. And to add some more shock on top of that, Kevin Murphy, voice of Tom Servo, was a key grip. My mind… is… imploding right now. When watching Blood Hook, you can’t but help think how perfect of an MST3K episode this would have made. Now it all makes sense. So catch Muskie fever and watch this and if you feel up to it, tape a couple silhouettes in the bottom right corner of your TV.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Muskie Madness is bigger than Woodstock.
  • Good luck getting that song out of your head.
  • Master ‘baiter’!
  • Unlucky lure.
  • The sparrow song of the Loon Lady.
  • ‘Ears’ looking at you, kid!
  • Characters have slightly more dignity than those in Hobgoblins.
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

Tame amounts of blood, severed ear and corpses all strung together. Consider this ‘Troma-Light’.

3

blood

BREASTS

Ann shows off fan favorite ‘side-boob’.

7

beast

BEASTS

I’d rather deal with the killer than Evelyn any day.

5 OVERALL
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Watch the entire movie!”

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Sep

posted by Doktor | September 9, 2013 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Forbidden World (aka Mutant)

Tagline: A Science Fiction Horror Adventure That’ll Blow You Away!

Year: 1982 Runtime: 77 min

Director: Allan Holzman

Writer: Tim Curnen

Starring: Jesse Vint, Dawn Dunlap, June Chadwick

I knew I was in for some quality entertainment when the first thing I noticed was the Rent-a-center Stormtrooper. Lucas, or more precisely his lawyers, didn’t bother to go after Forbidden World because its stormtrooper is gray and uhm-tarded. Cheap whore, thy name is Roger Corman. God love him.

And then they crank the knob all the way to AWE-some!

Space Food Pirates™ are in the sector and up to no good. Luckily SAM-104, the gray stormtrooper robot thing, knows what to do—put on some classical music ‘cos it’s out of copyright, erhm… I mean… ‘cos it  makes for a classy space battle scene. Oh yeah, and wake Space Troubleshooter Extraodinare™ Mike Colby. If anyone can handle Space Food Pirates™, Mike can.

Normally the stasis revival process is a banal procedure but due to Colby’s ESTP, Extraordinary Space Troubleshooter Perceptions™, as he is coming out of stasis he experiences clairvoyant flashes. These flickering images of things to come are in no way explained. One only knows what these random things are once they sat through the movie. In other words, it’s a hot mess of confusing things-that-are-happening, all of which are completely out of context. There is, however, quite a few breast shots, even a nice girl/girl shower frame, to help distract from the complete lack of coherency.

Enough of that, there’s a space battle to be had. (The editing, like the review so far, is a bit ADD.)

Naturally the space battle is handled with the same brilliance and attention to detail. Namely, Colby and SAM pilot their ship by throwing switches and pushing buttons, which everyone knows is MUCH easier than using a joystick. Amirite? So, after a few flips, mashes, and a completely unconvincing, I mean, absolutely nerve wrecking power outage, the Space Food Pirates™ are destroyed. Phew. That chewed up some runtime.

Realizing that none of this has advanced the film’s plot, SAM steers things back on course, quite literally, by changing their destination. Whereas Colby and SAM were originally headed home for some much needed R&R, now Galactic Head Quarters has called them back to duty. Something has gone wrong in the genetic research station on the remote planet of Xarbia and only Colby can set it right. When you know excellence you ask for it by name, which makes their choice of Colby completely baffling.

The research facility is working on “the food problem”. Though never explicitly detailed—they haven’t explained anything yet in this film so why start now—from context I guessed the problem to be there’s not enough food to go around. GHQ created the Xarbia lab, with state of the art equipment to tackle the issue. No expense was spared when outfitting it. Well… with the tools at least. Where the staff is concerned, eh, not so much. It was placed on Xarbia to allow for more “risky” experimentation than could be done elsewhere. That is to say, they put the idiots as far away as possible in case they made an oopsie.

When you spare no expense to equip morons with tools to manipulate genes, hilarity, and/or burning, explosive diarrhea is sure to follow.

These people can’t really be idiots/morons, can they? Considering the immense financial burden of such an undertaking, not to mention the possible cost to humanity if they were to fail, I use the terms idiots and morons because there’s not a stronger term without resorting to expletives. These mental giants’ best idea is to splice genes of various plants and animals with Proto B. Proto B is this crazy bacteria that multiplies like rabbits on Spanish Fly while constantly changing genetic structure. It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to work out the obvious catastrophe here. Two immediately come to mind:

  1. With such a reproductive rate might it not eventually take over everything, destroying all in its path. You know, like cancer?
  2. If it’s constantly changing genetic structure might it not eventually become something that is NOT food? It might be a cow-like thing, then a pretty flower-like thing, then a goat-like thing, then a deadly virus-like thing, then a testicle-like thing, then a genetic mutant killing machine-like thing, etc., etc.?

Uh. This kind of depravity makes The Baby Einstein cry. And we all know that when The Baby Einstein cries Herr Schrödinger’s cat dies.

Yet, just when you think the madness has plateaued… The genetic mutant destroys the lab, claims his first human victim, and breaks out of the airtight, sterile environment. What does everyone do? They go night-night, of course. Everyone together now: What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

By night-night I mean it’s time for the sex scene. Sort of. There’s nudity but what is happening defies description, though I’ll do my best. The ambience is set with porn reject music synthesized through a voice box as someone is violently barfing. The hoochi-coochi lick ‘em yum yums is more like two blind people in the throes of grand mal seizures while playing twister than people making love. To make it even less sexy, the lurvin’ is interspersed with shots of the security guard hunting the genetic mutant. It goes something like this: Boob. Jump cut. Mutant. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Thigh. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Mutant. Jump cut. Guard. Jump cut. Shoulder. What in the hell is the editor trying to convey here? I was so confused I had to watch my dog clean his junk for about an hour before the world made sense again.

Where the crews’ actions exemplify their doltishness, their dialogue is the fly slurping in mindless bliss on a puddle of Space Scientist Affluence™.

Space Scientist: “This creature is intelligent.”

Colby: “How do you figure that?”

Uhm, maybe because it has strategically cut off all escape and communication. Oh, and it’s “keyed into the computers.” Most importantly it’s half human. Wait… What?!? Half human? Aren’t they supposed to be making an alternate food source? Subject 20 is people!

Space Scientist: “Here it comes. This is the analysis of the gelatinous tissue. This should tell me what it is made of.”

Really? What’dya know. So that’s what ANALYSIS means.

Ah, but the coup de grace is truly the feather in Forbidden World’s cap. How do you kill a genetic mutant? Feed it cancer. It’s all very scientific. I’ll ‘splain it terms that even the personnel on Xarbia station can understand. Cancer instantly reacts with the genetic mutant’s genetics causing it to vomit a genetic hallucinogenic foam. Then it dies. Meanwhile the foam causes anyone in the vicinity to relive the movie. It’s called a Space Runtime Filler™, and the main effect is free footage to pad out the movie to a feature-length. For those keeping record, these visions are exactly mostly the same flashes from the beginning. Mostly. Getting triple use out of the footage, classic Corman.

Lastly, there is a “Director’s Cut” with an additional 5 minutes of footage. I can’t imagine what didn’t make the original cut that just HAD to be re-released as the definitive version of the film. Plus, with all the padding, who decided to cut the footage to begin with? Sigh. Regardless, it’s in my netflix queue, so I’ll let you know when I find out.

roadside attractions

  • Hear wondrous space lingo like, “Ding whopper!”
  • Witness the universes’ foremost bacteriologist constantly cough on everyone and everything!
  • Wonder at the futurific sunglasses used while relaxing in the tanning bed/sauna/shower thing!
  • Thrill at the TWO types of showers on the station! (Like I said, no expense was spared.)
  • Watch as a “scientist’s” ungloved fingers pokes around in the goop that was the first victim!
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Everything in the lab was eviscerated, and that’s before we get to the good stuff.

8

blood

BREASTS

Space Womerns can’t wait to get nekkid.

6

beast

BEASTS

Great green gobs of greasy grimy genetic mutant stuff.

7 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for “Forbidden World”

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Sep

Comments Off on Retard-O-Tron III

Retard-O-Tron III

Remember how awesome it was to make mix tapes for cruising around in your friends car during the summer? Each song would reflect your freedom, wild nature and reflecting back on the other good nights. Or the girl that you wished you could tell her how you felt, so you put together that perfect mix of songs about staying up late thinking about her, casual conversations and falling in love? Retard-O-Tron III is that mixtape for gorehounds, cheesy b-movie fanatics, cult fans, porn lovers, hardcore and punk aficionados alike.

So as you may have gathered, or if you have seen the other two films, Retard-O-Tron III is a clip show with a sleazy and vulgar twist. It goes far beyond just presenting clips from films. It splices them together, both video and audio of some of the raunchiest, nastiest, goriest and downright disturbing videos. As soon as you pop this thing in your DVD player, before you even play the feature, the graphic on the Main Menu alone should be a warning… or a welcoming invitation to the mad and macabre crowd.

The film opens up appropriately enough with several Japanese girls sitting in a circle, peeing into the air, like a pee fountain… no, not LIKE a pee fountain, it IS a pee fountain. This is all synchronized to the elegant and tantalizing music Beethoven, showcasing a prime example of mixed media art. If there was a ever to set a tone for a film, this would be it. Shortly after, we are introduced to a cooking show, Cooking with Merrill The Great Gourmet. Merrill is… a bit slow and seems to have somewhat of a temper. This is cut back and forth to throughout the film, but next we are shown what is probably the funniest mash-up I have ever seen and pretty damn gross simultaneously. Imagine if you had tuned into Britains Got Talent, there sit Simon and whoever the other two judges are, scowling and waiting for the next shtick. A beautiful woman enters the stage and presents her “talent”… blowing air out of her bunghole. What she does with it next though, let me just say that it displays the elasticity of the human rectum and does not look like it feels pleasing in the least bit.

There are also tidbits of opera singers, dubbed with belches and farts at one end of the spectrum and at the other it has porn clips with opera singing dubbed over it. A majority of the duration are karaoke videos that look like they would have been on a public access channel, various movies, like Terror Vision and Bloodsport, all fused with a variety of music from Kris Kross to Le Tigre and my favorite, scenes from Reb Brown movies Strike Commando and Space Mutiny (Reb makes anything awesome). This is the formula that follows, but you’ll still find yourself shocked and then laughing maniacally. You’ll feel sick, both mentally and physically, but it’s the price you pay.

The mixtape ends on a high note, various snip-its of Japan doing what Japan does to entertain and proving to the world why they are Japan and nobody else is or would want to be. If I had to describe the vibe to Retard-O-Tron, it would be like asking yourself after every scene, “What the f*#@ did I just watch?” It’s as if you tuned into a bizarro episode of Tim and Eric. As depraved as this may be, it’s hysterical. I felt nostalgic for my high school days when my friend and I would watch repugnant and farcical videos on sites like The Stile Project and Ebaum’s World. This is all edited by a man named Roelewapper, who is most likely a mad genius and we are all part of his experiment. So check out Retard-O-Tron III and visit the official site. Just bring a bucket.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • You’ll never see Britain’s Got Talent the same way again.
  • Reb MF’ing Brown.
  • Grumpy gourmet.
  • Japan.
  • You know what, the whole damn thing is a Roadside Attraction.
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

There is some in the various clips.

9

blood

BREASTS

Here, there, everywhere.

10

beast

BEASTS

Everything you witness, especially Merrill, is a monster.

8.3 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer!”

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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>