Before Arnold was flexing his muscle with his maid service and blowing up state budgets as governor, he was blowing up bad guys on the big screen. In Total Recall Arnie plays Doug Quaid, a guy who seems to have a great life jack hammering concrete during the day and hammerin’ Sharon Stone at night. Despite the daily grind, Doug is looking for more out of life and has been having reoccurring dreams about trips to Mars and getting his eyes sucked out of their sockets from decompression. Sounds like fun, so instead of taking a vacation he decides to have the memories of a fake trip to Mars implanted into his giant noggin’ by Rekall, Inc. Things go wrong when the implant doesn’t take and the company has to dump Doug in a robot taxi. Unfortunately his co-workers show up and try to kill him with some post-modern uzis but Arnie snaps their necks like they’re democrat fund raisers. Back at his house, he has a knife fight with his wife for not bringing home eggs and milk and narrowly escapes from a group of thugs led by Michael Ironside. After a brief nasal probing, Doug takes a ship to Mars to find out the secrets of his identity. In the planet’s red light district he teams up with a hooker turned martian revolutionary who likes slapping him around like Ike Turner and she leads him to Kuato, a munchkin martian attached to some slouches stomach. Kuato reads Doug’s memories learning he can free Mars and it’s colonists by activating a mysterious reactor inside a martian temple. It’s theorized it will melt a giant glacier inside a mountain resulting in the planet’s biggest slushy. Doug uses holograms and semi automatics against the evil corporate baron and his goon squad who have cut off oxygen to the mutants. If only he tried the same thing with California. Barry Goodall reminds you to check it out and always wrap a wet towel around your head before getting your butt to Mars.

Roadside Attractions:

- exploding heads
- extreme nasal probes
- triple-breasted martians
- eye bulging
- dwarf with machine guns
- robot cab drivers
- rat shooting
- multiple head shots
- tummy baby mutants
- drill to the gut
- hologram shooting

It’s a post turkeypocalypse and we’re giving away a signed copy of the best and only thanksgiving horror film, “Thankskilling” on DVD. It’s a great movie to gather the family around after deserts and before the in-laws break out the homemade whiskey. Just post your favorite thanksgiving memory and the funniest wins. Heck you can even make somethin’ up, we ain’tthe feds.  Check out our Lost Highway fan page for more details on how to win.

Now here’s the Doktor’s Review of Thankskilling for those of you that have woken up from your tryptophan coma.

Tagline: Gobble Gobble Mother F****r

Year: 2009 Runtime: 70 min

Director: Jordan Downey

Writer: Jordan Downey (writer), Kevin Stewart (writer), Bradly Schulz (additional dialogue), Anthony Wilson (additional dialogue) & Grant Yaffee (additional dialogue)

Starring: Wanda Lust, Natasha Cordova and Lindsey Anderson

A big bare breast is the first shot. BAM! Straight out the gate. This movie knows exactly who it’s for and where it’s going. Just so there is no confusion, this is NOT the film to pop in after the ball game on Thanksgiving. What the film is: pure fart jokes without the high-brow posturing. Take the “named” actress in the film, porn star Wanda Lust. Nothing says pure class like a second string porn star. And just to be cheeky, she plays a Puritan woman. This film is subtle as a ruptured testicle.

Everything about this movie oozes Grade B Government Cheese. And yet, I find it incredibly hard to believe that Troma had nothing to do with this film. Hmmm… but I digress.

The story is the usual hapless-college-kids-run-into-a-crazed-killer-in-the-woods schtick, but the twist is the killer in this film is a foul-mouthed turkey, named, quite ingeniously, Turkie. As the story goes, Turkie was necromanced by a powerful Native American magician to seek revenge for the indigenous peoples, flora and fauna of North America. When raised, Turkie only goes after the group of people he first encounters. Why? Uhm… Hey, there’s Milk Melons in the first shot!

How does one raise Turkie? Well, I’m glad I asked. There are two ways, and, as the filmmaker could never decide which he liked better, he left both in the film to further confuse and frustrate us. But, hey, there are Paw Patties right off the bat. The first explanation, he just comes back every 505 years in some kind of “now you don’t, now you see him” kind of thing. Granted, that doesn’t make much sense, and it REALLY doesn’t work out mathematically with the first Thanksgiving mentioned in the beginning… but then again, there were Dairy Dumplings in the first shot. The second explanation, someone’s dog can unwittingly pee on his totem pole. Wouldn’t you know it, right after them Sweet Sweater Spuds, we see a local redneck and his dog who are out… uhm… doing something, and the dog pees on this random miniature totem pole. The earth quakes, out shoots some blur and puppy falls down dead.

Oh, and hilarity ensues.

Now, I know that you’re asking yourself, “Hey, why does Turkie go after the college students when he is supposed to only go after the group of people he first encounters, i.e. the redneck and his dog?” To which the answer is: Juicy Jugs! In the first shot!

I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin all the artful expletives and complex plot, so I’ll end with this bit of teaser: Turkie dies in the end.

Still, the film closes with a title card that reads, “To be continued… IN SPACE!”

When I saw that the filmmaker had a Kickstarter project to fund Thankskilling 2 a few months back, I gladly sent my money. Stay tuned for more Turkie, and possibly more Num-Nums.

Rent-A-Center Ted Nugent as the hermit redneck Divorce announced by laying a turd in the coffee pot Cartoon flashback to tell the creation myth Turkie raping the hot brunette Flappy Funbags	8 BLOOD Head explosion, Turkie busting out of Fat Guy’s stomach, neck slit, tongue and heart pecked out, electric meat carver to the gut, face ripped off, etc 6 BREASTS Did I mention, Tig Ole’ Bitty is the FIRST SHOT of the film? 6 BEASTS Turkie the foul-mouthed hand o’ Native American vengence 6.00 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Thankskilling”

I’ll say one thing about A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell: it delivers on its promise. There is a titular nymphoid. Dinosaurs abound. There are barbarians. And there is no shortage of Hell. It is worth notin’ that the title says Nymphoid, not Nymphomaniac, which is what I thought it said. Big difference between the two, and as a result, my Tuesday morning.

Accordin’ to Prof. Wikipedias, nymphoid refers to a nymph, meanin’: A young girl, especially one who inspires lustful feelings.

Makes sense. Lea, said nymphoid, is young and just about every guy in the flick wants to give her saddle a rattle.

Now, compare to nymphomaniac: A woman with excessive sexual desire.

If the flick were A Nymphomaniac Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, the plot probably wouldn’t move too far. Lea would be lovin’ everythin’ in sight, just like Ma Sixon after her Thanksgivin’ gallon of Wild Turkey.

But sadly, there is very little lovin’ in this flick. In fact, more uglies were bumped in Forrest Gump.

This here post-apocalyptic flick opens with Lea explainin’ how the world came to an end over a montage (a “capitalist conspiracy” is mentioned–some thing never change, eh?). Most of the footage in the montage looks like it came from a bunch of other flicks, and that ain’t surprisin’, as Nymphoid was a Troma release. They reuse more old footage than a rerun of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

To sum up: bad stuff happened in the past (see: Nukes), and now the ravaged world is filled with mutants and dinosaur-like beasties. Items of note: Lea claims to be from Tromaville, and she starts her narration with “Dear Diary,” even though, as we learn later, she can barely read.

Tryin’ to survive in this Dinosaur Hell are our nymphoid and her boyfriend, Marn. Yes, when you get right down to it, this flick is a love story. A love story with some road bumps, mind you. Seems like everyone is after Lea. In the first few minutes of the flick, a gang, who looks like a Manowar cosplay, tries to capture and have their way with Lea.

Marn saves Lea, but later on, she gets captured by a pack of reptoids and their master, a poor man’s Kurgan. The group of baddies beat the tar out of Marn, but he is nursed back to health by an old man, who is learned in the ways of public domain literature (he recites the Jabberwocky poem from Through the Looking Glass). After he’s healed up, Marn goes searchin’ for Lea. What we have here is a ‘boy meets girl, boy loses girl, girl meets mutants, boy fights mutants’ kinda love story.

And dinosaurs. Lots of dinosaurs. The effects are classic stop-motion animation, and pretty dang good for a low-budget flick. While there is a fair amount of action, the combat is about as fierce as a third grade stage version of Braveheart: punches and kicks barely connect, and weapons are swung with hesitation. Given that most of the cast played multiple parts, I guess the director didn’t want anyone gettin’ hurt.

Now, this don’t mean the flick is lacking in blood. Nope. Limbs are severed. Baddies are chomped to bits by dinos. Heck, there’s even a bit of cannibalism—just in time for Thanksgivin’!

The acting in A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell is its weakest link, but it only adds to the charm and if you are worried ‘bout the actin’ in a film called A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, then you are probably watchin’ the wrong movie, friend.

Tiger says, give this one a watch for the stop-motion animation alone, but bring a few beers–or a gallon of Wild Turkey.

Nukes Ear biting Tromaville Sign Axe swinging Sword whirling Hesitant combat Cameraman Shadows Reptoid abuse Swamp Men Laundry stealing Leather bikinis Severed limbs Sandworms Stop motion dinosaurs Dinosaur fights Reptoids Public Domain Literature Groping	6 BLOOD severed limbs and hungry dinos supply plenty of blood. Plus: cannibalism! 2 BREASTS we see Lea’s mosquito bites for about 39 frames in the final five minutes. 10 BEASTS A variety of dinos, reptoids, mutants and more. 6.00 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell”

A greasy guy in a loin cloth fights dinosaurs, purple cavemen and rock em’ sock em’ robots in Yor: The Hunter from the future. Action crap extrodinaire Steve Banton stars as Yor in one of the few films where the ending is actually given away in the title. Yor is a meat headed weight trainer who may actually be the first post apocalyptic redneck that doesn’t drive a firebird. He’s out frolicking in the desert when he finds some cave people getting attacked by a paper machete setgasuaurus and we all know how vicious plant eaters can be. After a few tucks and rolls and a stone axe to the noggin’ he calls a touchdown, drinks the dino’s blood and tells everyone to gather “the choice cuts of meat.” Yor only eats free range dinosaur meat.

One of the survivors is a woman named Kala who dresses in fur bikinis and likes dumb doughy guys in golden mullets. She wants to get busy with Yor, so she takes him back to their village where she shakes her money maker at a dino-death party. This seems to only confuse Yor’s pea sized brain and attracts some purpled faced caveman that attack that kidnap everyone including Yor’s new squeeze. They throw him off a cliff by which he miraculously survives with only a few minor scraps and bruises so he and the old sweaty guy hand glide into the purple guys home cave with a gigantic dead bat. Yor kung-fu kicks some cavemen in the crotch and then floods the cave with river water killing as many woman and children possible just before rescuing Kala. He hates anyone that he can easily bench press. They head up river on a boat strapped together with some hemp rope hoping maybe there’s a grateful dead concert upstream and are captured by some sand people wrapped in oily rags roasting marshmallows.

The sand people take them to their leader, Rowa a pretty young blonde who also wears a giant rapper medallion identical to Yors. She’s been baby-sitting some astronauts who’ve been trapped in ice in the caves making astro-slushies. After avoiding a decapitation and fighting some more sand people off, Yor invites Rowa on the trip with them to try to discover the secret of his origins. Sadly Rowa gets killed by more purple cavemen who show up after a brief cat fight she has with Kala. It ends all too quickly and with no mud or lime jello.

Yor gets the smack down on another dinosaur attacker whose survivors take him to yet another village. It felt like the movie might actually be starting over again, but then some spaceships show up and start blasting everyone in the village. Yor seems to have that luck. After the carnage, Yor

promises to avenge their death by sailing on a boat made of wicker and bat guano to the island where the attackers came from. They get stun zapped by slow moving robots and guys that look like sting dressed in teflon jumpsuits. The island is run by a dark overlord whose plan is to have Yor and Kala breed with his new cyborgs to create a new master race and a whole lotta akward after sex small talk.  Yor is helped to escape by a temp worker there where he joins a resistance against the cyborgs in their basement furnace room. Guard rails are a plenty to toss robots over. There’s a nuclear reactor and a robot caveman battle with lasers, trapeze acts and somewhere a guy in a cloak is impaled with a barber shop pole. That pretty much sums er’ up. Barry Goodall says it’s worth checking out if ya got a hankerin’ for communal living and sweaty old guys on hemp rafts..but then again you’re probably already a dang dirty hippie.

impromptu trapeze acts bat hand gliding high beam hand glow crystal balls with premium cable death by barber pole weenie roast attacks dinosaur rodeos astronauts on ice rock em sock em robots dino blood energy drinks extreme theme music	3 BLOOD Mostly from paper machet dinosaurs. 6 BREASTS Cleavage is plentiful but is mostly covered by fur and giant medallions. I blame PETA. 9 BEASTS Dinosaurs, purple cavemen, giant bats and robots. It’s like a kid’s toy box got dumped out all over this movie. 6.00 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Yor: The Hunter from the Future”

Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice has all the ingredients for making a good b-movie. It’s got demonic possession, impalement, old people, creepy kids….. oh and corn, plenty of corn. In fact, Children of the Corn 2 has way more corn cobs than should be allowed by either the MPAA or the FDA. So much corn, It would actually make a better stew than a movie.

Taking place 8 years after the killing spree in Gatlin, the psycho-amish kids have been deported to the nearby town of Hemmingford for some rest and rehab. The folks there decided to adopt them all which is mighty neighborly, except for the fact the kids killed every adult at the last place they lived. A reporter, John Garrett (Terrence Knox) and his son, Danny are on a road trip and learn about the massacre from a news crew who later get impaled by corn stalks through their van window. Little known fact, Nebraskian corn stalks are extremely durable, used to frame up modular homes and build bridges.

John and Danny were hoping to find a truck stop to get some puffy hats with filthy sayings on em’ but run into some local hotties crusing in a mustang instead. Angela who owns a nearby bed and breakfast for drifters and actor has-beens while Lacey is an exhibitionist that likes to shower under waterfalls for any passer-bys. John wastes no time and gets busy with the B&B lady  while Danny fails to even get to first base with Lacey, his incredible blandess barely edging out the fact he still has all his teeth. Meanwhile, Mikah a satanic hipster in a suit vest goes all dark emperor one night when electric lights shoot out of his hands and he commands the children to make sacrifices to “He who walks behind the rows.” They end up crushing an old lady under a house, overdosing a mortician, and giving a guy a nosebleed. It’s not even a fair fight.

John finally begins to suspects something is wrong when a mysterious indian named Frank Redbear (not his real name) shows him a rock drawing and talks about vengeful spirits, homocidal indian kids and casinos as far as the eye can see. John digs Frank’s no-nonsense approach to rock storytellin’ and together they uncover the town’s deadly secret. The town’s corn supply has been releasing a toxin into the water  that could be turning kids into crazed killers. Unfortunately before they can let anyone know the truth, they get tied up by the deputy  leaving them in a field to be ran over by a corn harvester.

Back at the B&B, Mikah convinces Danny that his crappy attitude is all his dad’s fault and tries to get him to join their jr. league satanic cult. Danny is easily swayed by people shorter than him so he attends their initiation where they demand he sacrifice his not-so-virgin girlfriend to their demon god, an aggressive field mole. John and Redbear escape the harvester  just in time stop Danny from stabbing Lacey but then the indian gets killed with a bow and arrow ironically and all hell breaks loose. In the end, good still triumphs over evil and they ceremonially burn Redbear in the middle of a field letting him return to the spirit world while watching 1000’s of acres accidentally burn to a crisp.

….and somewhere an indian sheds a tear.

Children of the corn 2  is a bountiful crop of crap, a cornucopia of bad, but I suppose you can give it a try if there’s nothing on the Food Network to watch. Barry Goodall says “If you build it, they will come….but if you make a bad sequel to a mediocre Stephen King film then it shall go directly to video.”

syringe death severed hand house crushing extreme nose bleeding death by corn cob impalement by corn stalks throat ripping death by hypodermic needles house burning old lady crushing wheel chair remote control	5 BLOOD gallons…most of it from one guys nose 6 BREASTS plenty of cleavage and extreme gawking but don’t go chasing waterfalls 3 BEASTS demon kids, a pesky demon mole and a mean lady in a wheel chair 3.00 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice”