Archive for the 'B-movies' Category

Jul

posted by Barry Goodall | July 17, 2011 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on Warriors of the Lost World: Rest Stop Review Edition

Tagline: “The Rider” must destroy the evil Omega Force.
Year: 1983 Runtime: 92 min
Director: David Worrth
Writer: David Worth

Starring: Robert “The Exterminator” Ginty, Persis “Star Trek” Khambatta and Donald “Halloween” Pleasence

Italian. Post apocalypse. Motorcycle with more plastic additions than Joan Rivers’ face.

Normally I wouldn’t need to say anything else ‘cos surely you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’ve seen Mad Max, you’ve seen all the post apocalypse movies. This movie is interesting because somehow, despite it’s Ultra-Low budget of $13.68, David Worth got some “name” actors.

Robert “The Exterminator” Ginty

I know that Italians liked a tough, slow-talkin’ hero, but Ginty is slow like that “special” cousin you were forced to include in whatever games you’re playing when his family came over for the holidays. At best he’s a Rent-a-Center Barry Bostwick, though, truth be told, I’m just being nice. His delivery is the auditory equivalent of maple syrup passing through a coffee filter. I had to tweeze my lengthier nostril hairs to keep awake whenever he said anything.

Persis “Star Trek” Khambatta

She’s the exotic love interest, which I suppose works. She’s no Bea Arthur, but I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating samosas. She is out of place though. See, her father, whom she’s on a mission to save, is as white as a mayonnaise sandwich. Plus, she comes from a group of toga wearing Greek wanna-bes.

Donald “Halloween” Pleasence

Original Doctor Evil. Seriously. The only difference in Pleasence’s character and Mike Myers’ is Pleasence doesn’t have the monocle scar. Also, he wears a glove on his left hand to accent his “Bob Dole” arm.

Finally, I would be remiss if I left out Speedcycle

This is the high-tech ride that The Rider rides. It’s graphical user interface is a 3” TRS-80 screen that displays everything it says. I suppose it was necessary to do so, for the viewers to understand what it was squeeking, because the voice unit sounded like Orko on helium.

Roadside Attractions:

  • Within the first 10 minutes of the film, The Rider, the super bad-ass, is shot three times, once in the head.
  • To add insult to The Rider’s injuries, promptly after escaping the headshot, Speedcycle, in auto-pilot, drives head on into a cliff.
  • Healing flashlights. They can remove even the toughest of Louisiana Hot Sauce Blood applications.
  • Gratuitous cars driving off cliffs and exploding.
  • WORST. SHOTS. EVER. Watch the trailer clip below to see exactly how people can miss even while driving point blank close to one another.
  • Cave C.H.U.D.
  • Cave C.H.U.D. are the bouncers for Club Utopia, a spandex and stud club.
  • Mega Weapon: a huge dump truck, painted black, with a useless anti-personnel flame thrower set about 12’ up.
  • Warriors style gangs: Kung Fu Dudes, Nazis, Femmes, Hill-Billies and 80’s Punks.

trailers

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Jul

posted by Barry Goodall | July 10, 2011 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Rock n’ Roll Nightmare: Rest Stop Review edition

Demonic muppets take over a Canadian farm house rented out by Satan and only John Mikl Thor can break their lease on evil. In what  arguably might be Canada’s worse export since Celine Dion, Rock n’ Roll Nightmare takes big slabs of steroid fed beef and tries to stuff them in sequined jump suits much to the horror of it’s viewers. John Triton (Thor) is one such metal meathead whose love of rockin’ out is only matched by his love for Weight Gain 2000. He drives a pimpin’ van to a secluded farmhouse where baked hell spawn have already killed a family and stuffed them in the oven like spare frying pans. Along for the ride is his slow witted band and some newly weds celebrating their honeymoon, but they just end up washing all the band’s dishes and getting eaten by a greasy skinned hellbeast. If only they’d gone to Niagara Falls instead. After a few ear bleedin’ rehearsals, midget demons start running all over the farmhouse chewing on people’s neck and causing a ruckus. John seems oblivious to that fact since he’s been  busy writing bad love songs and  grooping his girlfriend in the shower…a difficult scene to endure considering Thor had the bigger breasts.

After the rest of the band members are picked off, John is left alone to face off with Belza “Bub” in a cage match show down when he suddenly transforms himself into a glamrock angel in a speedo whose supposed to send Satan back to his netherworld, a Hell apparently even worse than Quebec. it’s revealed that all the band members including a handful of groupies were just made up in John’s thick head in order to distract the demons and get the devil to reveal himself. This also begs the question, who was John ardvarking in the shower with earlier? Shudder as you ponder that possibility.

Barry Goodall says get your studded leather thong on and get ready to jam with Rock n’ Roll Nightmare…oh, and always have some talcum powder on hand to avoid schaffing. Now that’s a real Rock n’ Roll nightmare.

Roadside Attractions:

– Deadly ninja demon starfish
– Phallic muppets with nicotine addictions
– Overcooked oven demons
– Coffee luggies
– Extreme hickies
– Keyboard transvestites
– Deformed dog faced dwarfs
– Studded thong battle gear
– Monster cop a feels
– Possessed chicken drum sticks

if I was in a Canadian metal band I’d probably have to imagine groupies in my head too.

trailers

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Jun

Comments Off on Inheritance

I managed to make it out of the trailer park for a while; I was going stir crazy under that house arrest! You have no idea how pesky those little ankle bracelet trackers can be! Luckily, with the aid of some cooking spray, a pie cutter, and a drifter, I’ve squirreled free and have been on the road for a little while. You have no idea the bother one tiny little missing persons report will bring you! Pat just won’t let it go no matter how many times I tell her that Bert has gone night fishing and I don’t know when he’ll be back. Granted, this trip is a bit longer than
usual, and his car is in the driveway, and the boat is at the dock, but I try not to meddle in his affairs. And yes, I had the carpet ripped up and replaced with E-Z-Kleen Linoleum and bought more than the usual share of bleach and quicklime on our credit card, and the meat tenderizer is missing from the utensil drawer…but that…that shouldn’t raise any eyebrows! Not here at The Lost Highway, anyway.

inheritanceSo that’s where I’ve been, on the road with my dark glasses and my hair all cut off! I’ve broken the mold a bit and have been checking out some newer flicks, some BRAND-SPANKIN’ NEW, and I have to tell
you, that bad movies are timeless. This one I have for you today is a doozy!

The Inheritance (2011) is a thriller that begins with three carloads of people complaining about their family reunion in the dead of winter. The ground is covered in snow, and everyone is whining and complaining about crazy Uncle Melvin (The incomparable Keith David) holding the reunion this time of year. We meet in turn the family: Tyrone, Simpson, Lily, Karen, and Henry. Joining the party are Simpson’s boss Martin, and his wife, Julie. Everyone has their butt on their shoulders until they arrive at the old plantation house and mess around on the snowmobiles after getting a gift from dear Uncle Martin, a box full of champagne and reefer.

Everyone gets messed up; Martin and Julie go upstairs and we get a scene of them making the sign of the epileptic platypus while the rest stay downstairs and have a talk about why they’re all here and basically how much money they’re going to ask their family for. They refer to their family as “The Elders,” which is strange at best, but hey, it’s a family thing. Then they start playing around with the various drums while Simpson reads aloud from a tattered old book.  We know something supernatural is happening because we go into slow motion and Lilly performs an off the cuff ceremonial dance in the living room, then starts flipping out when the words, “THE FLESH IS THE STRENGTH” appear, written in bloody snow on the window. That’s when everyone calls it a night, and Martin and Julie get murdalized.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’d pretty much just up and leave if I awoke from a dead sleep to one of my aunts or uncles just sitting there staring at me. This family, no, they’re not surprised at all, but jump out of bed for the festivities. And, how, what festivities!

The Elders have moved all the furniture from the living room except for some fur rugs and sigils drawn on the floor, and 5 chairs. The Elders are decked out in ceremonial African garb, they seat the cousins, and Uncle Melvin proceeds to tell the family history…in fantastic flashback!

Back in the days of slavery, their family was all on this plantation. A slave named Chakabazz survived a lynching. Turns out he was a healer and a prophet. He offered them freedom, wealth and power if they sacrificed their firstborns to him. The family brought the children, 3 boys and 2 girls. He does some spell  in his cabin,  all the kids start screaming, and all but one is killed. The one left alive is The Vessel, meant to start the family line over again. Chakabazz tells the adults that they must pay him tribute each generation, “Do not forget me, for I shall not forget you.” Nobody has much to say about this story aside from Simpson, who laughs and insults The Elders, and who is silenced with a slap across the face by Karen. Everyone disperses after a very creepy moment (one of many) between Karen and Uncle Melvin, who promises to talk to The Elders so everyone can ask for their cash later on.

Everyone kinda does their own thing from here, and Karen decides to take a bath. During which she falls asleep and has some bathtub dream sex with the ghost of Chakabazz, and wakes up to none other than Uncle Melvin staring at her! That’s the universal symbol for GET OUT AND FIND AN ADULT YOU CAN TRUST! She dissolves into horrible cramps, and chews on some roots given to her by one of the other Elders, but they don’t do much for the pain, they’re basically tenderizing her insides for the propagation of her family line via more freaky ghost relations.

From here it’s a mess; everyone comes under attack by African warriors, they can’t decide whether to stay in the house or in the car, Lilly drives away only to crash, then the remaining four run back into the house, Lilly’s mom makes a surprise appearance and screams about them not going to take her baby, at which Uncle Melvin laughs creepily and that’s the last we see of her. Everyone else hides in the car, and they try to drive off until they come across Lilly’s car, then find the body of poor Martin in the back and start running through the forest. Simpson breaks a leg and is being dragged by the rest on a makeshift litter, and they stumble across a bonfire and a full-on ritual.

The Elders summon the spirit of Chakabazz to come and take his sacrifice, and soon all we’re left with is Henry and Karen locked in a room in the main house. Henry is busy writing an email to tell the story of what’s happening, when Karen, all hopped up on Chakabazz, takes an axe to his cranium. THEN THE MOVIE ENDS!! OH, CURSE YOU, ABRUPT AND SORTA AMBIGUOUS ENDING!

Through all of this, the tragedy is that the story is awesome, but the movie was ploddy and boring in parts; too much plot got in the way of the story. It’s still worth a watch once or twice!

We’ve got 3 breasts, 1 beast, and 5 quarts blood; head-hacking, creepy uncle lurking, bathtub nookie, drunken ritual dancing, root eating, leg snapping, knife-fu, throat cutting, head on a stick, hatchet-fu, face slapping, spirit summoning,  cannibal ghost relatives, 6 dead bodies.

trailers

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Jun

posted by admin | June 11, 2011 | 50's b-movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Rest stop, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on “War of the Worlds” Rest Stop Edition

Just when I thought aliens with anger management issues had grown tired of attacking planet earth, guess what, it happens yet again. This time the trouble starts when rift raft, calling themselves Martians visit a small town and start mingling with the locals. The townies aren’t very amused when the outsiders use heat lamps on steroids to vaporize their kin folk. And who could blame them? Now, I’m pretty sure things would have turned out better if the aliens had showed up with a giant lemon creme bunt cake instead of with their ray guns a blastin’. And before you can say “Hooah”, the Army has gotten word of the invasion. They quickly arrive with a butt-load of weapons and setup shop. The plan they come up with is to use enough firepower to blow the evil E.T.’s all the way back to their home planet, and worrying about asking questions later. Typical military mentality, isn’t it? But their bone-headed plan fails about as bad as the movie “Zyzzyx Road” did at the box office (it just made $30, really) when the aliens take everything that the army shoots and drops on them, including an A-bomb without even breaking a sweat. Now, I have one question, do alien’s even sweat? It’s just a curiosity thing. Anyway, as soon as the dust settles the aliens go cruisin’ down main street, showing off their shiny new rides but instead of visiting the local watering hole and boozing it up or scoring with some hot earth women, they begin blasting everything in sight to smithereens with their niffty looking shower head shaped death rays.

Then something very strange happens, the Martian Warships begin crashing into stuff like Tiger Woods trying to drive away from his golf club yielding wife. At first I was as confused as Jessica Simpson would be trying to spell the word “cat” during a spelling bee, at what was happening onscreen. But, thankfully, I got the 411 from the narrator in the movie who explained that the aliens were dying, and it wasn’t because they got a wiff of P. Diddy’s breath either. Nope, it turns out some harmless earth germs were the culprit. Well, it serves those alien freaks right for not getting their booster shots before invading our planet. So much for other intelligent lifeforms, huh? If you haven’t seen this old school sci-fi flick already, be sure to give it a look-see. It features an out of this world soundtrack by composer Leith Stevens, some really cool spaceship designs, sound effects, along with plenty of impressive looking hand-crafted sets and visual effects in a time before movie-goers got hooked on bad CGI like a street junkie gets addicted to heroine.

Also, I can’t forget to mention that our friends over at Fright-Rags have a really awesome War of the Worlds T-shirt. So, head on over to www.fright-rags.com and check it out along with their other really cool shirts.

Roadside Attractions:

– Helpless people get vaporized by alien ray guns
– Stupid humans sit in a ditch and watch an A-bomb being dropped from about 20 feet away
– A storefront church gets blown to bits
– Aliens go crusin’ around town in their fancy new spaceships
– 1 creepy alien door to door salesman
– Extreme square dancing
– 1 alien spy camera
– Spacehips that sound like an electric shaver with a low battery
– Fighter planes get shot out of the sky like clay pigeons

trailers

dripper
Jun

Comments Off on The Dungeonmaster

dungeonmaster

There are very few great films about a man from the real world being “zapped” in to a video game. The Dungeonmaster (aka Ragewar: The Challenges of Excalibrate) ain’t on that list. Heck, it ain’t even in the same time zone.

dungeonmasterWhen a film with a overall run time of about 76 minutes (including credits) starts out with more slow-motion than a season finale of Baywatch, you know yer in trouble. And did I mention Dungeonmaster has seven directors? Well, it has seven directors.

Our hero is computer nerd Paul—the flick starts with his slow-motion dream of waking up in a lab, covered in all kinds of medical scanners and probes. Some may call that a nightmare, but me, I jus’ call that a Tuesday after lunch.

Paul chases a film cliché–I mean a lady in a red dress—through some kind of complex, and ‘bout a minute later, we see her naked. So, I’ll give Dungeonmaster this: they make quick with the boobies. Paul gets ready to do the horizontal mambo with the lady in red, when a bunch of ogres crash the party. Sounds like prom night in Middle-Earth to me. Maybe the ogres were summoned by the lady in red’s One Promise Ring?

With the dream over, Paul, with giant 80s glasses, awakes at his desk. We’re treated to some background about Paul being a super-smart computer programmer as well as his pair of short shorts. No lie. He runs home from work. Or he’s just a show off. Even bet, I guess. If I had his legs, I’d sure as hell show ‘em off—they’d look great over my fireplace. And by fireplace, I mean the crack in the wall of my cell the glowing cockroaches crawl through.

Speaking of computers, Paul has his brain hooked up to his computer—Cal. “She” talks to him, and Paul’s movie screen sized glasses act as computer screens. Computers in you brain? I had a bad enough time with the radio transmitters in my teeth. Never underestimate the value of a good pair of pliers—or spandex. What? Ah, well we’re treated to a scene of Paul’s lady, Gwen, doing aerobics with a gaggle of gals at the gym.

Gwen is jealous of Cal—despite Paul’s wanting to be married. To Gwen. Not the computer. I know, it gets complicated.

And from there, the couple gets zapped into…uh…somewhere, because it don’t look like no computer I’ve ever been in. The evil wizard, Mestema, has taken Paul and Gwen to his realm for, what else, a challenge! Let’s back up though—Mestema is played by TV’s Richard Moll. Y’know, Bull on Night Court? He nails the creepy villain part.

dungeonmasterPaul is forced to survive seven challenges—or “levels” if you prefer. Mestema is really into cosplay, because he’s given Gwen a damsel in distress outfit, and Paul some fancy leather armor, with a wrist version of Cal–which pretty much solves all the riddles and blasts all the baddies.

And there are baddies: angry dwarves, zombies, demons, a stone giant—the list goes on. One high point in a later challenge which features Mestema’s frozen rogues gallery, which includes the likes of Jack the Ripper, the Wolf-Man, the Mummy and Einstein. Yep.

And an even higher point is a level in which Paul faces off against the band W.A.S.P. This follows a scene in which Mestema treats Paul to some Phillip Glass-like torture (which is a Thursday for me). Yes, Blackie Lawless and the boys are playing a gig, and Paul has to save Gwen from the wicked ways.

Double horns, baby.

While it ain’t Tron, The Last Starfighter, or even Tron: Legacy, Dungeonmaster does have its moments. It features some fun old school special effects by Dave Allen (Equinox, The Howling), which makes it worth a watch on its own. Plus, there’s boobs within the first two minutes (and a few more scattered throughout the film). Tiger says, give this one a watch.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Angry dwarves
  • Tiny demons
  • Stone giants
  • Blackie Lawless
  • 80s glasses
  • Spandex–lots of spandex
  • Zombies
  • Frozen Einstein
  • Wrist lasers
  • Ladies in Red
  • Bathing beauties
  • Dwarves with guns
  • Car crashes
totals

1

blood

BLOOD

Save for a few zombie decapitations, this flick is pretty light on the blood.

6

blood

BREASTS

We got boobies in the first two minutes. That’s a plus. There are a few more later, but they are under semi-see through clothing.

10

beast

BEASTS

All kinds of beasts here—zombies, demons, giants, Richard Moll. You name it.

6.0 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “The Dungeonmaster”

trailers

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