Archive for the 'B-movies' Category

Jun

Comments Off on The Dungeonmaster

dungeonmaster

There are very few great films about a man from the real world being “zapped” in to a video game. The Dungeonmaster (aka Ragewar: The Challenges of Excalibrate) ain’t on that list. Heck, it ain’t even in the same time zone.

dungeonmasterWhen a film with a overall run time of about 76 minutes (including credits) starts out with more slow-motion than a season finale of Baywatch, you know yer in trouble. And did I mention Dungeonmaster has seven directors? Well, it has seven directors.

Our hero is computer nerd Paul—the flick starts with his slow-motion dream of waking up in a lab, covered in all kinds of medical scanners and probes. Some may call that a nightmare, but me, I jus’ call that a Tuesday after lunch.

Paul chases a film cliché–I mean a lady in a red dress—through some kind of complex, and ‘bout a minute later, we see her naked. So, I’ll give Dungeonmaster this: they make quick with the boobies. Paul gets ready to do the horizontal mambo with the lady in red, when a bunch of ogres crash the party. Sounds like prom night in Middle-Earth to me. Maybe the ogres were summoned by the lady in red’s One Promise Ring?

With the dream over, Paul, with giant 80s glasses, awakes at his desk. We’re treated to some background about Paul being a super-smart computer programmer as well as his pair of short shorts. No lie. He runs home from work. Or he’s just a show off. Even bet, I guess. If I had his legs, I’d sure as hell show ‘em off—they’d look great over my fireplace. And by fireplace, I mean the crack in the wall of my cell the glowing cockroaches crawl through.

Speaking of computers, Paul has his brain hooked up to his computer—Cal. “She” talks to him, and Paul’s movie screen sized glasses act as computer screens. Computers in you brain? I had a bad enough time with the radio transmitters in my teeth. Never underestimate the value of a good pair of pliers—or spandex. What? Ah, well we’re treated to a scene of Paul’s lady, Gwen, doing aerobics with a gaggle of gals at the gym.

Gwen is jealous of Cal—despite Paul’s wanting to be married. To Gwen. Not the computer. I know, it gets complicated.

And from there, the couple gets zapped into…uh…somewhere, because it don’t look like no computer I’ve ever been in. The evil wizard, Mestema, has taken Paul and Gwen to his realm for, what else, a challenge! Let’s back up though—Mestema is played by TV’s Richard Moll. Y’know, Bull on Night Court? He nails the creepy villain part.

dungeonmasterPaul is forced to survive seven challenges—or “levels” if you prefer. Mestema is really into cosplay, because he’s given Gwen a damsel in distress outfit, and Paul some fancy leather armor, with a wrist version of Cal–which pretty much solves all the riddles and blasts all the baddies.

And there are baddies: angry dwarves, zombies, demons, a stone giant—the list goes on. One high point in a later challenge which features Mestema’s frozen rogues gallery, which includes the likes of Jack the Ripper, the Wolf-Man, the Mummy and Einstein. Yep.

And an even higher point is a level in which Paul faces off against the band W.A.S.P. This follows a scene in which Mestema treats Paul to some Phillip Glass-like torture (which is a Thursday for me). Yes, Blackie Lawless and the boys are playing a gig, and Paul has to save Gwen from the wicked ways.

Double horns, baby.

While it ain’t Tron, The Last Starfighter, or even Tron: Legacy, Dungeonmaster does have its moments. It features some fun old school special effects by Dave Allen (Equinox, The Howling), which makes it worth a watch on its own. Plus, there’s boobs within the first two minutes (and a few more scattered throughout the film). Tiger says, give this one a watch.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Angry dwarves
  • Tiny demons
  • Stone giants
  • Blackie Lawless
  • 80s glasses
  • Spandex–lots of spandex
  • Zombies
  • Frozen Einstein
  • Wrist lasers
  • Ladies in Red
  • Bathing beauties
  • Dwarves with guns
  • Car crashes
totals

1

blood

BLOOD

Save for a few zombie decapitations, this flick is pretty light on the blood.

6

blood

BREASTS

We got boobies in the first two minutes. That’s a plus. There are a few more later, but they are under semi-see through clothing.

10

beast

BEASTS

All kinds of beasts here—zombies, demons, giants, Richard Moll. You name it.

6.0 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “The Dungeonmaster”

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——————–

May

posted by Barry Goodall | May 29, 2011 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Lunchmeat magazine, Slasher

Comments Off on “Hellhole” from Lunchmeat VHS magazine issue#3

We’re proud to present in partnership with Lunchmeat VHS magazine the best archival reviews from from the Lunchmeat magazine series. Josh Schafer give us his take on “Hellhole”, or as we like to call it….20 minutes in Radioshack.

Lunchmeat Magazine VHS

Hellhole – (1985) Arkoff International
Director – Pierre De Moro
Screenwriter – Aaron Butler/Lance Dickson
RCA/Columbia Pictures Home Video (1985)

“Captives…stripped naked, forced to submit to the ultimate experiment!”

Fans of women in prison flicks, you just landed on the right page. This little slice of cinematic sleaze is brimming with tons of gratuitous skin, lesbian sexcapades laced with stolen lab drugs, and of course, an unhinged femme doctor that performs inhuman experiments on disobedient inmates in a dark and dreary boiler room. Now does that sound great or what? Your damn straight it does. And whether it is intentional or not (probably the latter), this film even manages to elicit quite a few laughs with some well placed expletives and some amusing quips from the players.

Judy Landers (B.J. and the Bear, Dr. Alien) plays Susan. A most hapless girl who after witnessing her mother being strangled to death by a killer known simply as “Silk” (played with greasy style by Ray Sharkey), ends up in a sanatorium stricken with a wicked case of amnesia. She has no recollection of the horrid event and is told that she had a nasty fall and is being held at the institution for her safety while her mother is out of town. You see, her mother was hiding some documents that could very well ruin some big shot, so he hired Silk to go in and find them. Since he never got to the damned things, Silk is sent into the asylum posing as an orderly to try and extract the details from Susan and to make sure that when her memory does come back, he is there to intercept any possible trouble that may stem from those pernicious papers. Silk is the man, by the way. He is cool as ice (and apparently smooth as silk!) as he saunters around the halls puffing a smoke, sexing up one of the more ravishing inmates (Edy Williams! Ooo-la-la!), and of course, stirring up a little trouble in the asylum with another orderly by the name of Stevens.

Stevens is that goody-goody type and mainly serves as the guy who is out to ruin all the fun. However, he is on the receiving end of some of Silk’s best one liners and caustic gestures which make him pull his weight. While the plot shambles on, this film freely injects lesbian encounters, patient freak outs and, yes, even a full-frontal shower scene (that culminates in a nude catfight!) to create fodder for the menacing Dr. Fletcher (played by sultry cult favorite Mary Woronov!) as she has her uniformed enforcers drag the insubordinate crazies down to hellhole for her bogus experiments where she jams needles into pretty little necks. Woronov (Death Race 2000, Eating Raoul) is terrific in her role as she adds just enough camp to her character to make it fun to watch without inspiring overwhelming disbelief. It’s also worth mentioning that one can infer that Dr. Fletcher uses the failed experiments to satiate her sexual hang-ups. That doctor really knows how to flex those superiority muscles in the right direction. Trouble comes on the horizon when that cat Stevens (see what I did there?) brings one of his legal buddies in for a surprise inspection. Will the inspectors uncover Dr. Fletcher’s dirty little secret? Honestly, who gives a shit? Bring on more naked crazies!

This film has all the ingredients for a titillating WIP flick mixed with that endearing 80s delivery that makes for one hell of an enjoyable trash gem. Where are these types of films nowadays? Nowhere, I tell you, nowhere! That is exactly what makes them so spectacular. I picked this video up out in California at a second-hand record store for a few dollars. I see it on eBay for about $10 every once in a while, but I am sure it will only continue to go up. Get it while the gettin’s good! The people at RCA/Columbia need to wake up over there. I am beginning to see a dismal pattern with the majority of their video releases. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot: look for Robert Z’Dar as Dr. Fletcher’s lead enforcer. He delivers some of the best lines and definitely has Bruce Campbell beat for most commanding chin in horror!

-Josh Schafer

Lunchmeat Magazine

May

Comments Off on Slumber Party Massacre

Slumber party massacre

If you’d compare power tools and slasers, “Slumber Party Massacre” is the Sears Craftsman of 80’s slashers… and it’s a great dinner party conversations starter too. The movie’s a perfect blend of blood, breasts and beasts featuring 2 foot long drill bit and plenty of cleavage. And before anyways starts their email writin’ saying “Barry this is just obviously another one of your  exploitation of women for horny middle aged men living in their parents basement films dealing with inadequency issues”, let me tell you It was made by real live women…. and I moved out of my parents months ago when mama needed the room for her taxidermy. It was scripted by feminist activist Rita Mae Brown and directed by Amy Holden Jones who went onto to writing such screenplay gems as Mystic Pizza, and Beethoven.Yes, two of the most testosterone free movies any guy could endure sober, yet somehow they managed to put out this quality melonfest slasher.

slumber party massacre

The party really gets kickin’ when Trish’s mom and dad are out of town and it’s all over the news that a psycho killer is on the loose. That can only mean one thing….slumber party in your underwear! With the all day basketball practice and gratutious community showering, there’s little time for the girls to get nekkid in front of the living room window. A couple of guys show up to do some peeping Tom foolery but one of them gets elbowed in the eye and has to press hotdogs to his face to bring down the swelling. That’s probably not how he imagined his night going.

Trish’s neighbor, Valerie, is babysitting her butch younger sister whose been perusing a stash of porno-mags and doing her best to stay incredibly annoying at least until her voice changes and she has to start shaving. There’s some back seat ardvarking out in the garage with one of the couples in a sedan where romance is always best to the music of Journey and under the haze of carbon monoxide. It’s just enough to set off any nearby psycho sex alarms so Russ Thorn shows up with a 2 foot cordless power drill and what has to be the best battery charge he’s ever had. He bores out holes in their hippie neighbor who was just hunting garden snails with a cleaver and then drills through the eye sockets of the pizza guy who still manages to ring the door bell. Now that’s a guy looking for a good tip.

Whoever is left that isn’t swiss cheese yet decides it’s best to send out the men to make a run for help so the guys logically split up and get death drilled faster than a texas oil reserve. Meanwhile the girls are still huddled inside eating the pizza kept warm from the fresh body. Dead people start piling up pretty quick so the driller killer puts them on ice in the space saver fridge carefully not crushing the Swanson salsbury steak dinners he saved for later. Valerie finally stops by just in time to battle Russ with a firepoker and title for the world’s worse sword fighter while her sister looks on drinking a weight gain 2000 shake. It’s denim-tastic.

Barry Goodall says drill baby drill! but be sure to bring both metric and standard drill sets. You know, in case you have to kill in Europe.

disclaimer: Sears in no way endorse or supports the use of their power tools in psychomaniac rampages and will not accept tool returns used in killing sprees without a receipt and in like new condition.

roadside attractions

  • gratuitous shower scene
  • snail hunting
  • gratuitous clothes changing
  • blatant usage of “if the van is rockin’ don’t come a knocking”
  • multiple head drillings
  • garage decapitation
  • pizza delivery eye gouging
  • chest drilling
  • 2 knife stabbings
  • freezer burn bodies
  • hand chopin’
  • stomach slashin’
  • machete impalement
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

Mutiple slash and gashers for the gore hounds.

10

blood

BREASTS

holy melon fest batman…Did I mention this was a movie made by feminists? nice job on the lingering camera work in the shower scenes ladies.

7

beast

BEASTS

psycho Russ Thorn…and I guess you could count the snail and maybe the neighbor’s Hawaiin shirt.

9.0 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Slumber Party Massacre”

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May

Comments Off on “American Gothic” Rest Stop Review Edition

It’s Bible thumpin’ gone wild as people start getting sliced up faster than fresh apple pie with John Hough’s 80’s cult flick “American Gothic.” Cynthia (Sarah Torgov) is along for the ride as a grieving mother who just lost her baby in a bathtub accident. Her friends, a group of plaid advocates decide to vacation up-north to take her mind off her bad parenting skills. Unfortunately, their water plane has to make an emergency landing where they soon discover a quaint island cottage belonging to a family of Walton loonies. “Ma” and “Pa”  have been living there for years raising their family away from the evils of man and making Charles Manson’s home life seem idealic and folksy.

With no phones or electricity, Cynthia and her friends are trapped in an amish nightmare with ma and pa Crazy and their 3 adult children. They’re  not  like Tom Hanks in “Big.”  dancing on giant pianos. They’re more likely to stab you in the eyeball with a unicorn statue just for looking at them wrong. They push people off swings over the side of cliffs and lynch others with jump ropes just for the kicks. Fannie, the menopausal daughter that thinks she’s perpetually twelve wants Cynthia for her new sister so they can put on dress up clothes and change the diapers on her prune faced baby corpse. Not feeling the love, Cynthia narrowly escapes with her friend Terri and a flare gun as they try to find a boat but manage only to blow one up instead. If only they made a raft from coconuts like the professor did.

They flee into the woods and Terri’s neck gets snapped like a twig just so some fat guy can drool on her  while he plays bumper cars with her fun melons. The older brothers capture Cynthia who goes totally beserk-o  and joins in for some family fun time of dressing up corpses in the basement and stabbing people with knitting needles. Finally, all those years of home economics classes are starting to pay off. Martha Stewart is only one decopauged drink coatster away from this level of nutty.

Barry Goodall says give American Gothic a try, it’s your patriotic duty.  Just remember, never trust an amish man with a pitch fork and stay off homemade swings overlooking the sides of cliffs.

Roadside Attractions:

– death by playground equipment
– baby mummies
– knitting needle-fu
– shotgun to the back
– jump rope hanging
– flare gun-fu
– washtub bashing
– eye stabbin’
– neck snappin’
– human doll displays
– redneck whippin’

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Apr

posted by admin | April 26, 2011 | 90's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Tiger Sixon, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Dollman

Dollman1991 was a banner year. The Cold War came to an end, Queen Elizabeth II became the very first British monarch to address the US Congress, and Dollman was released on home video. Yes, home video. This gem was direct to video, as part of Full Moon Entertainment’s stable along with the Puppet Master and Trancer series.

The “Thirteen Inches with Attitude” tagline may make you think this is a bio pic about Tattoo from Fantasy Island or a sequel to Boogie Nights, but it ain’t.

DollmanTim Thomerson (remember him from Zone Troopers?) plays alien cop Brick Bardo. A tough guy with a gun, who always gets his man. OK, let’s face facts—Thomerson pretty much plays the same character in every film, be it Dollman, Trancers, or Zone Troopers. But that’s just fine. He’s good at those kind of characters. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it—just like the armadillo trap in my cell. Them’s good eatin’.

Bardo is busy busting heads on a far away planet, which involves him wearing sunglasses at night (cue the song), when he gets a visit from an old pal. And by an old pal, I mean a bad guy who has been resorted to a floating head, thanks to Mr. Bardo. Apparently, Bardo blew off a different body part during each of their previous encounters. This is how you get ahead in relationships.

A henchman steals Bardo’s gun, but our hero uses a Jedi mind trick to return it to his hand—and that’s when all Hell breaks loose. And so do body parts. Lots of body parts. Bardo’s hand gun turns Floating Head’s henchmen into something out of a Picasso painting. Floating Head escapes in a spaceship and Bardo gives chase in his own. The pair is sucked into a worm hole in outer space (as opposed to Wisconsin), and they crash land, where else, but in the Bronx. Hilarity ensues. Literally.

DollmanThis is where the Doll portion of the title comes in to effect. It turns out, that while Bardo was of normal size on his home planet, he is only thirteen inches tall on Earth. Reminds of that time I went to [CLASSIFIED] where all the [CLASSIFIED] are super tall. Good thing I do all that yoga.

After arriving in the Bronx, we are treated to a touching montage of what the city has to offer: crime, drugs, and violence. Ah, city life. A woman, Debi, is attacked by a gang near where Bardo crash landed, so he lends a hand. And like Stubby Joe over in D-Block on the base, it is a very tiny hand.

Bardo’s super-powerful gun only does average damage to the giant henchmen of Earth, but it is still plenty. What baddies survive, run away. Debi, thankful but confused, takes Bardo home with her.

Remember Floating Head? He’s on Earth too, and about as dangerous as half of a tennis ball. Oh, and he has a bomb of some kind. Details. He joins forces with the gang’s leader, Braxton—Oscar nominated actor, Jackie Earle Haley, who looks like a poor man’s Ray Liotta in this. Yes, this was many years before his nomination (for Little Children), but you have to start somewhere, just like my tapeworm. You may also remember Haley as Rorschach in Watchmen or as Freddy in the Nightmare on Elm Street reboot. No? That’s OK, I didn’t seem those either.

DollmanBack at Debi’s apartment, Bardo makes short work of a cockroach with his gun, and she yells “don’t pull that thing out again!” She sounds just like my second wife. She hated my glass eye. Just kidding. It was a real eye.

Braxton’s crew shows up for the Dollman, but Bardo paints the walls with their blood. Really, he does. Debi scrubs it off with a sponge in the next scene—and then gets kidnapped. Bardo has enough, and goes for one last tiny showdown with the gang, proving once again, that just like cheap dentures, friends come in all sizes.

Dollman has plenty of blood, but no breasts, and very few beasts unless you count Floating Head and a “giant” cockroach. Still, it is fun to watch Thomerson act like he is only thirteen inches tall, and for direct to video, the special effects are pretty good. Give this one a watch.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Bloody walls
  • Alien Laundromats
  • Sunglasses at night
  • Exploding crooks
  • Floating heads
  • Tiny spaceships
  • Bloody Gang bangers
  • Colored Bandanas
  • Flannel
  • “Giant” Roaches and Mice
  • Big guns
  • Tiny men
  • Inter-dimensional bombs
  • Lost limbs
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

There is no shortage of the red stuff in Dollman. It helps when the main character has a gun that can blow baddies to pieces.

0

blood

BREASTS

You don’t see any fun bags in this outing. Sorry, kids.

5

beast

BEASTS

Floating Head counts as a beast, I suppose, as he is rather creepy. Plus you have a “giant” cockroach and “giant” mouse.

5.0 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Dollman”

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