Archive for the 'B-movies' Category


Comments Off on Deadtime Stories: Tales of Death

Deadtime Stories isn’t just a bad horror anthology it’s also a subliminal government warning to parents to be careful who watches your kids, especially creepy uncles. Mike (Michael Mesmer)  is watching over his nephew Brian whose been having trouble sleeping lately. Could be the 2 liter of Mt. Dew he downed or that his rooms makes growling noises when the lights go out. A bedtime story should naturally ease his fears of having his face devoured but instead of tales of cute bunnies and dancing hippos learning valuable life lessons, Uncle Mike’s stories will likely turn Brian into a sex crazed psychopath. Hey, at least he’ll be a well rested sex crazed psychopath.

The first tale of terror stars Scott Valentine of Family Ties fame, still looking very 80’s but happily living the Medievil lifestyle. Scott plays Peter, an indentured servant to a couple of witches with a bad case of the uglies. They send Peter out to fetch them a local schmuck that they can woo with their feminine charms and sexy facial moles.  The witches disguise themselves as harem girls with a beer goggle spell then proceed to pour some weird ointment on his arm that eats through his wrist like some expired Preperation H. Then they use his severed hand as a voodoo GPS to find and dig up their sister’s remains for a late night family reunion. After a fun night of grave robbing, Peter is  instructed to lure a virgin to back to their cave so he can show her his medieval beer mugs and make her a virgin sacrifice to raise the dead sister. Realizing it could also be his last chance to ever have sex, Peter knives one of the witches in the head whose blood results in a reanimated Alice Cooper with jerry curls that tries to strangle everyone. So yeah…it really is a lot like a family reunion.

The next tale of terror from uncle Mike  is a Larry Flint version of little red riding hood. Rachel is a day dreaming jogger who has sexual fantasies about her puffy faced boyfriend. On a trip to the drugstore before her big date night she runs into Willi (Matt Mitler.) Willi is an incognito werewolf in dire need of some industrial strength tranquilizers and nair hair remover. His prescriptions get mixed up with Rachel’s Grandma so he has to go track her down before the full moon rises that night. Willi starts sprouting Ewok fur and makes the grandma into puppy chow. Meanwhile Rachel and her boyfriend are shagging out in the tool shed on a blowup mattress to 80’s soft rock. After an akward montage, Rachel heads back up to Grandma’s house while the werewolf uses her boyfriend’s intestines for dental floss. They fight to the  death on the living room rug never once jumping on the furniture and grandma is rushed to the hospital for some rabie shots. You just won’t see that on Jerry Springer.

Back to reality again, Uncle Tim is nearly at his breaking point with his insomniac nephew. How will he ever finish watching miss nude Universe with all these interruptions?  His final story for Brian revolves around a girl named Goldie Lox. She has the power of telekinesis along with some mad skills in human taxidermy while living in a house belonging to a family of loonies known as the Bear gang. Golide’s been propping up dead ex-boyfriends in funny poses and using up all their hot water for extended shower scenes. The family return after breaking their kids out of the psycho-ward and are charmed by Goldie’s dimwittedness and passion for  playing with dead things. The cops are eventually tipped off but arrive a bit late for a Waco re-enactment. Sadly, the family is just pigging out at a diner when the cops start blowing bullet holes into the side of the house for an extreme home makeover. The Bears skip paying their bill and commit a parking lot hit-and-run just before pealing off into the sunset never to be seen from again. Not sure what the lesson was on this one other than the perils of jay walking and high water bills. I think Uncle Mike was a bit drunk by then anyhow.

If little Brian isn’t sleeping now maybe some mild tranquilizer and warm milk might do the trick. Of course, if that doesn’t work maybe he should just let the monster in his room eat his spleen. Barry Goodall says pop Deadtime Stories into the VCR only if you’re feeling a bit too chipper and think there might be a bit of goodness left in humanity. It’s the equivalent of cinematic prozac.

roadside attractions

  • knife to the head
  • Creepy Uncle babysitters
  • Bucket-o-eyes
  • witch-heart face huggers
  • neck stabbin’
  • wood shackin’ up
  • extreme matress inflation
  • chest punch with heart removal
  • werewolf junkies
  • telekinetic taxidermy




Gallons of  werid witch goo, neck slashin’s, taxidermied boyfriends.




gratutious shower scene and love making in the tool shed.




werewolves, witches and escaped psychos…throw in a creepy uncle.


Deadtime Stories: Tales of Death…so nice they named it twice.

Check out the trailer for “Deadtime Stories”



Comments Off on “April Fool’s Day” Rest Stop Review Edition

Hi, I’m Mary O’Reilly O’Toole O’Shea…April fool’s! It’s Donna Bleed! I’ve never been too good at pranks, never have needed to be. After all, there are many ways of being clever! Our flick for tonight, in case you hadn’t guessed is April Fool’s Day!

Muffy St. John has invited her closest friends to her island mansion for a weekend getaway on Spring Break. We get introduced to Nikki right off the bat, she’s the sassy, sexy one; then Chaz, the cute artistic womanizer; Arch, the hunky jock who’ll sleep with anything that has a pulse; Kit, the good girl; Nan, the nerdy prude; Hal, the gold-digger; Rob, the sensitive guy; and Skip, Muffy’s distant cousin.

Skip and Arch are playing mumbledy-peg when it all goes wrong. Don’t throw knives, kids! Rob and Buck dive in to the rescue, but oh! It turns out to be a prank! Skip and Arch cooked up a fake knife and a blood bag without anyone noticing! Buck the deckhand decides to stay in the water to tie the ferry to the dock, but Captain Cal drives it right into him, and Buck’s face meets the propeller. A lot of screaming and blood, but luckily, Sherriff Sam is right there on the scene, whisking Cal and Buck off to the hospital, and making sure the yuppies know to stay put on the island. (The island that has no way off of it, aside from the ferry that now has no captain, but we’ll overlook that)

Basically, what we have here is the flower of over-privileged 80’s college students out to take over the world, and who have no idea what they want to do with their lives, trapped in a mansion that’s been rigged to annoy and upset them. They have special party favors hidden in their rooms and the one in Nan’s sends her into a pure-d tizzy; a tape of a crying baby hidden in her closet, hinting at some dark past.  Nikki has a drawer full of S&M gear, and everyone else is confused and mildly put out by theirs. Arch goes on a great nookie hunt, and stumbles in on Chaz and Nikki in a position that the doctor from Human Centipede would be proud of. I’ve never seen anyone make the sign of the triple-gilled anteater like that before or since.

Then things take a turn; Skip meets with misfortune in the boathouse during the night. Muffy has made a vicious personality change, and nobody much seems to care that Skip is missing until Rob and Kat attempt to make the sign of the electrocuted mud weasel and his dead body floats past. Then in classic style, they all split up.

I have to admit, this movie isn’t much on thrilling action so much as it is all about the psychological. Red herrings abound as they blame the ferry captain and Buck for the mayhem. People are getting picked off one by one; the water goes out and Nikki ends up in the well with Nan’s body and the decapitated heads of Skip and Arch. Then Hal, Chaz, and Nikki eat it in imaginary ways; we even have a pruning of the wangdoodle.

Soon, none but Rob, Kit, and Muffy are left. We get thrilling chases, during which there are pictures found of Muffy and…Buffy? Who’s Buffy? Oh, only Muffy’s psycho twin sister, who has decided that she and all her friends all have to go…permanently. It all ends with Rob locked in the pantry, and a showdown between Kit and Buffy, and in her final moments Kit stumbles into the den where she finds…

Everyone. They’re all alive and well, and laughing it up. Rob is released from the pantry by Buck, who is scaring him half crazy, when he takes off the prosthetic makeup and slaps it on Rob’s face and gives him a big ol’ smacker before chasing him to the Den. Everyone yells “April Fool’s,” and Muffy lets the cat out of the bag. There is no Buffy, but her twin is Skip. She’s going to lose her inheritance unless she can

maintain the upkeep on the mansion, so she’s decided to turn the mansion into a murder mystery house, and her friends are the guinea pigs. Aww, what a wholesome activity.

There’s one final prank, but I’ll let you see it for yourselves.

Roadside Totals:2 breasts, no dead bodies, no quarts blood, 3 quarts fake blood, 3 mannequin heads,  1 simulated wangdoodle removal, prank-fu, feathered hair-fu, exploding cigars, jack-in-the-box scares.

I think it’s what inspired M. Knight to make every movie have a twist.


posted by admin | March 28, 2011 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Review by Tiger Sixon, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Zone Troopers

Zone Trooper

Zone Troopers hits close to home for me. I can certainly relate to one of the major plot points—coming across a crashed alien spaceship. Although in my version of the story, I [CLASSIFIED] and [CLASSIFIED] with [CLASSIFIED] in Tijuana.

Part of me thinks this is the film that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull wanted to be—or at least, should have been: a squad of Allied troops come across an alien ship while fighting Nazis in Italy during World War II (as opposed to the War of 1812). This film was definitely more enjoyable than Indy 4, but then so was pulling radio transmitters out of my molars.

Zone TrooperIf the Allies and the Nazis didn’t clue you into the fact this film takes place in the 1940s, than the use of the song In the Mood certainly will. It is to the 1940s what Material Girl or Take On Me is to the 1980s.

A squad of lovable Allies soldiers (Sarge, Joey, Mittens, and Dolan) find themselves behind Nazi lines (where it is “raining,” despite the sunny fields in the background). Proof this film was destined for greatness: the nigh-invulnerable Sarge was played by Tim Thomerson, known for his role as Jack Deth in the Trancers series, and Joey was played by Tim Van Patten, star of the Master Ninja episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000. He also played the wicked teen Peter Stegman in 1982’s Class of 1984.

Zone TrooperAfter a big shoot out with the Nazis, the army boys are lost, and their compasses are acting goofier than Aunt Helga at a biergarten. What’s the cause? Nazi magic? Hardly. Aliens! While working their way through the Italian forest, we’re treated to the point of view of said alien—watching the team from the trees, with red-tinted vision and garbled sounds. This same gag was used three years later in Predator, proof that Zone Troopers was ahead of its time.

The gang takes refuge in a barn for the night—and Joey breaks a B-Movie Survival Tip: he goes for a walk on his own, at night. Many a cheerleader or recently deflowered geeky teenager have met their end this way. Joey comes across the remains of a giant, leathery egg—and a real live alien.

The alien is garbed in a leisure suit and its face looks like a fly and a wombat had a kid. How that would actually work, I don’t know. But then, anything is possible with a case of the Beast and Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game on repeat. Joey runs back into the barn, and thinking he is suffering from shell shock, promptly burns his science fiction comic book. For shame!

The next day, Mittens and Dolan come across a Nazi camp, and a tent filled with photos of a crashed alien ship, which is better than photos of a crashed Eleanor Roosevelt, I guess. Meanwhile, Sarge and Joey find the spaceship in question. Joey is all about the usual “boldly going” jive, but the Sarge has his own idea—blow it up.

Just like my grandma’s prom, Nazis spoil the party. Mittens and Dolan are captured, while the Sarge and Joey escape—but not before blowing the Nazis in the spaceship sky high.

Zone TrooperMittens and Dolan are interrogated by the SS, and even get a visit from Mr. Hitler himself. Dazed and confused, Mittens pops Hitler in the nose, and hilarity ensues—and by hilarity, I mean Mittens and Dolan are locked up in the dog kennels—along with the alien.

Joey, in disguise, comes to the rescue, but not before a beefy Nazi officer disapproves of his five o’clock shadow and muddy shoes. After a daring escape, the team, with the alien in tow, seeks cover in, of all things, an abandoned crypt. Because nothing bad would happen in a crypt, right?

In the crypt, the soldiers pal it up with the alien—who has a taste for cigarettes. And I don’t mean smoking—I mean eating. Thankful for the smokes, the alien shares a gadget that generates a hard-light hologram of a babe—which, just like my last marriage, lasts all of a minute. The final showdown is chuck full of more aliens, ray guns, vaporized Nazis, and disappearing tanks. It makes for amusing visuals, just like eating last December’s meatloaf.

Ol’ Tiger says while it may rank low on the Lost Highway Totals, give this one a watch—Zone Troopers is full of campy fun. Anything with ray guns has my vote.

Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • knife to the head
  • Pre-Predator alien vision
  • 1 un-killable Sarge
  • Cigarette eating
  • Hitler punching
  • Exploding spaceships
  • Beefy Nazi officers
  • Loud Nazis
  • 1 bug-eyed alien
  • Solider allegories
  • 1 holo-babe
  • Ray guns
  • Vaporized Nazis
  • Disappearing tanks
  • Comic book burning




While there is a bunch of killing in this flick, we don’t see much blood—especially when Nazis start getting vaporized with ray guns.




the holo-babe is cute, but sadly her breasts are covered the whole time. You can pretend the alien’s bug-eyes are a nice pair of C-cups, but if you do I will not accept your Facebook friend request.




yes there is an alien, but it is a friendly. Still, our bug-eyed friend still dishes out plenty of havoc via its collection of ray guns and other gadgets. But, you have an army of Nazis to pick up the beastly slack.


Check out the trailer for “Zone Troopers”



Comments Off on “Let’s Scare Jessica to Death” rest stop review edition

soup is done.

What is it about isolated houses on creepy islands that draw evil like flies to potato salad.  It’s a wonder anyone moves out of the city at all with all these free range demons and masked psychos roaming the hills. Some blame urban sprawl but it’s probably just to keep up ridiculously high townhouse prices.

“Let’s Scare Jessica to Death” just furthers this notion that country living ain’t safe for city folks. Jessica (Zhora Lampert) has just been released from a mental institute and her husband thinks driving her out to a fruit orchard in a hearse  might do her some good.

They take a ferry out to an island that has a town filled with geriatric mall walkers that don’t take kindly to strangers. Jessica and her husband,  Tim, also bring along their hippy 3rd wheeler (Kevin o ‘Conner) mostly so he can napalm their apple orchard with more chemicals than were dropped on Vietnam.

They discover the house is already home to a pale skinned squatter (Maricelliol Costello) who looks a bit like a young Reba Mcentire. She even plays guitar, so that means no TV, plenty of apple pies and sing alongs around the kitchen table. That is  at least until the peppermint Schnapps wears off.

Soon Jessica starts to hear voices in her head while  she’s frolicing out in a lake infested with floatie dead girls. (I caught one of them on a spinner lure once.) Later on, their undead house guest puts the moves on Tim. He’s a balding unemployed cello player  so you can see the obvious attraction. Tim thinks Jessica has already slipped back into wackoville so he makes the sign of the two headed wombat with the creepy skinny vampire on the living room floor. It’s like making love to a red headed pipe cleaner. Pretty soon everyone is doubting Jessica’s sanity  including Jessica. She starts seeing dead antique dealer just washed up onshore (a hutch appraisal gone horribly wrong) and shows off her new pet rat that just got mysteriously slaughtered in a pickle jar. Everyone start getting vampire hickies and Jessica is left alone to fight the neck sucking ghost while fending off groping old men in fishing vests. Creepy atmosphere tied together with hippy folk singin’ makes this movie ground chuck full of weird. Roadside Attractions: casket cello cases, marco polo water sports, vampire hickies, chemical spray frolicing,  hippie hating townfolks, geriatric flash mobs, rowboat workouts. It’s Carnival of Souls meets Woodstock without the laced brownies. Barry Goodall says to check it out and be sure to wash your apples before eating.



Comments Off on Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

Prom Night 2

It’s 1957 and Mar Lou Maloney (Lisa Schrage) is your resident bad girl who has a hankering for high school guys with receding hairlines. Just in luck, she’s dating Bill, apparently the only senior held back 20 times over. Fortunately she also loves him for his money, but on the side she’s been two timing with a greaser named Buddy. Mostly for the kicks and the free alcohol. This is the type of girl they warn you about on Laverne and Shirley. Her boyfriend finds out she’s been bumpin’ fenders with him back stage at the prom and accidentally sets her on fire with a stink bomb. Her dress goes up like it was crepe paper doused in kerosene but hey it’s the 1950’s, everything was flammable back then. Everyone pretty much stands around like it’s a marshmallow roast while she dies smoldering on the stage just before spotting the dumbfounded Bill in the rafters. That’s the moment when you know a relationship is over.

prom night 230 years later Bill, now played by Michael Creepy Ironsides, has taken on principle duty at the same high school after a failed career as a fire fighter, and Buddy the greaser has become a priest. Bill has been trying to fight the impulse to hit his teenage son Craig, with the heel of his shoe and Craig’s been dating homely girl Vicky (Wendy Lyon.) Vicky really puts the “V” back in Virgin. Her momma is so puritanical I expected her to start churning homemade butter any moment. She wants to go to the prom but her mom thinks her green mu-mu dress is perfectly fine and won’t buy her a new one on the slight chance she might expose some ankles and end up pregnant (pink silk is from the devil). Vicky, out of desperation, searches the attic of the high school and stumbles upon an old steamer chest full of prom night memorabilia including a prom crown and royal cap that  still has the fresh scent of Hell. It also possesses the peeved-off spirit of Mary Lou which is then released into the wild to possess Vicky. Possession usually involves head spinning and projectile vomiting but in this case it just gives Vicky Tourette’s syndrome and makes her dress like Donna Reed. Vicky’s friends start dying off one by one and she hallucinates she’s caught up in volleyball nets or served rotting food in the high school cafeteria. “Oh no, it’s not a dream Vicky this really is highschool!!!”

Her demonic rocking horse gets a little tongue frisky and she gets sucked into a chalkboard whirlpool of alphabet soup emerging with a full blown case of Mary-lou-itis. Then it’s all “girls gone wild” as she attacks her friends in the locker room in full-blown nakedness crushing them like a used juice box. Back at home, she throws her momma through the front door like it’s a pygmy dwarf toss. Pastor Buddy realized this was going to happen way too early on and of course is killed off swiftly in a confessional smack down along with a crucifix tracheotomy. Vicky still makes it back in time to help put up prom decorations and get frisky with her boyfriend backstage. Say what you want about Mary Lou, she’s great at time management and Vicky certainly has never been more popular.Prom Night 2

That night, the prom is in full 80’s swing, hair is gelled high, collars are popped and Vicky Lou is hoping to finally get her crown while hopefully staying clear of any open flames. Bill, realizing his son is now dating his ex-dead demon girlfriend brings a gun to the dance for some demon target practice. Oddly enough, the thought of going
out to buy or rent books on exorcisms, instead of packing heat and going to a school filled with teenagers, does not occur to him Faster than you can say “Carrie Blood Bath dance off”, The evil Vicky Lou gets shot in the chest while her boyfriend tries to work up some tears. Fortunately you can’t keep a bad girl down, so she sheds her skin revealing a well baked Mary Lou who starts offing the students with her super psychic powers. Yup seen that before. Catholics, possessions and proms, you always end up with a high body count. Mary Lou is one hot lady so it’s best to watch with oven mitts. Barry Goodall says give Prom Night 2 a chance. If you don’t like it, you can always leave the dance and go home with someone else.

roadside attractions

  • Prom-a-que
  • Death by confeitti
  • Neon impalement
  • Demon rocking horse with glandular problems
  • Static cling bed sheets
  • Chalkboard jacuzzi
  • Locker crushing
  • Exploding tombstones
  • Mac attack




Locker crushing, a couple stabbings, but they didn’t use the giant paper cutter!? How can you not use the giant paper cutter!!?




So many..I feel sorta dizzy…must sit down.




Mary Lou what a fine trailer wife you could be.


Hello Mary Lou..good bye heart…on a stick.

Check out the trailer for “Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II”



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