Archive for the 'B-movies' Category

Jan

posted by admin | January 31, 2011 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Slasher, Slasher films

Comments Off on Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan


Before hocking up demon lugees and jacking bodies (shakes head) in “Jason Goes to Hell”, Jason went on a carnage cruise, and stopped by the Big Apple to paint the city blood red in “Friday the 13th part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan.”

Jason is snoozing at the bottom of Crystal Lake, when whatta know he gets jolted awake by an underwater power cable. Now, wait a second… When did Crystal Lake get underwater power lines? And wasn’t Jason already brought back to life once before using electricity? Well, I guess writer/director Rob Hedden figured that it did the job in “Jason Lives”, so why not use electricity to bring Jason back again in his movie. Though the ironic thing is that later on in the movie Jason gets “killed” by electricity. But I’m pretty sure it was a different kind of electricity.

Well, it isn’t long before a fully charged up Jason comes to the surface, hops on a boat, conveniently finds a new hockey mask (because remember he lost his other mask in the New Blood) and quickly kills two horny teens. He then takes their boat for a short joy ride and uses his ninja-like skills to sneak onto a cruise ship that is filled with (surprise) more teens. Once aboard Jason quickly turns the high school senior trip into a death cruise. The soggy slasher is on his way to racking up a personal best in body count department when, oh, snap!, he botches a kill that causes the ship to start sinking like the Titanic. Of course the remaining survivors freak out and jump into the nearest lifeboat. As they are rowing away, ol’ Jason stays with the ship for some reason. He probably thinks he’s the captain. After Rennie and Co. row for what seems like forever (actually, about a minute) they finally reach the land of high crime rates, pollution, and graffiti covered subway cars, otherwise known as NYC. Not long after docking their boat they receive a very warm welcome from a couple of street thugs who waste no time robbing them using the IRS’s method of collecting money. And to make things worse they kidnap Rennie. Typical horror movie bad luck isn’t it? But that’s not their only problem because guess who tagged along? Yup, Jason. This is a Friday the 13th movie, so who else did you expect? Anyway, he didn’t use his much rumored teleporting ability to get there either. More on that a little bit later. While everybody was busy escaping, the J-man jumped ship and hitched a ride underneath of their rowboat. So much for him going down with the ship.

After the shakedown the rest of the group splits up to look for help. Man, that was a HUGE mistake as Jason manages to find and kill everyone in the group with no problem at all until Rennie and Sean are the only ones who are left. The recently reunited lovebirds are sharing a tender moment in a back alley filled with garbage (how romantic) when third wheel Jason shows up and ruins the smooch-fest. Not surprisingly, they high tail it outta there. Meanwhile, Jason follows them at a distance, strolling at his usual leisurely pace enjoying the sights and sounds of the city. And just when I though they had given him the slip he catches up to Rennie and Sean and follows them into an underground sewer where he quickly ends up getting lost. You know, it’s funny how Jason had no trouble tracking everybody down in city he’d never been to before earlier but now he can’t even find his way around a small underground sewer. I guess his SPS (Slasher Positioning System) couldn’t get a good signal down there.

Now before I forget, I have to mention this whole teleporting phenomena. In the movie Jason has two speeds. Slow, and warp speed. One minute he’s there, the next he’s not, especially when he’s getting ready to kill somebody. At first I was wondering if he had somehow learned a new ability since the last movie. But I’ve seen JTM several times now and I personally think it’s how the film’s edited to make it seem like Jason could be anywhere at any given time? Though towards the end of the movie Jason really starts to slow his pace for some reason. And I wasn’t sure what was going on until I saw the goofy makeup design they made him wear and then it hit me, Jason was dragging his feet because he was dreading his face reveal. And who could blame him. Sadly, he ends up looking about as menacing as the Cookie Monster which was a big letdown, especially after makeup effects effects wizard John Carl Beuchler set the bar so high with his awesome take on Jason in The New Blood. Remember the propeller damage, the machete slash and the ax wound? Well, you won’t see any of that attention to detail this time around. Jason’s once exposed bones are now amazingly covered with skin. I’m guessing no one was supposed to notice that he put on some weight in between sequels. Another thing that bothered me is when little Jason is shown in the flashback sequences he looks cartoonish with his Beetlejuice-like teeth, droopy eye, and long hair. Hmmm… That’s odd, I always remember young Jason having an algae covered Charlie Brown type noggin when he jumped out of Crystal Lake in the original Friday the 13th. Quick, someone call the continuity police! From what I’ve read the makeup “supervisors” who were working on JTM didn’t even bother watching any of the previous movies for research to see how Jason looked in the earlier sequels. But, hey at least they got the part about Jason being dead right.

The walking corpse behind the mask is again played by Kane Hooder. Though I liked his version of Jason in The New Blood a lot better. With the New Blood, Jason just had such an intense on screen presence. He was this pissed off, relentless force who killed anyone that got in his way, that is until he faced off against telekinetic, hottie Tina and ended up getting his butt kicked big time. In Jason Takes Manhattan a vacationing Jason is more concerned with sight-seeing and making us laugh, like when he shows his rotten face to a group of street punks who were playing their music too loud. Apparently, they didn’t know Jason’s not a fan of rap music. Now don’t get me wrong I can appreciate humor just as much as the next person but when it comes to horror movies I really prefer straight-forward scares or at least some kind of suspense. If I want a good laugh I’ll pop in a Jeff Dunham DVD.

Jason Takes Manhattan tried some different things like sending Jason on a cruise and having him visit the Big Apple. However, there were ideas that didn’t work very well like when Rennie was having random hallucinations of a young Jason attacking her as a young girl. Problem is it doesn’t fit within the Friday the 13th time line that was established in earlier movies. And besides that the explanation that’s given for why she was having these “visions” of little Jason won’t make any sense, even if you’re stoned out of your mind. I know this sequel is filled with plenty of flaws and missed opportunities, but I still give Rob Hedden a lot of credit for taking some much needed creative risks with his entry because by this time in the series, fans as well as Jason were suffering from a serious case of cabin fever.

roadside attractions

  • A Deck Hand gets the ax, quite literally
  • 1 harpoon to the back
  • A couple of impalings
  • 3 stabbings
  • A guy gets killer heartburn via a hot sauna rock
  • 2 electrocutions
  • 2 drownings by toxic waste
  • 1 Jack ‘O Jason face reveal
  • 1 slit throat
  • Jason gets a jump start via an underwater power line
totals

2

blood
BLOOD

Maybe, a half gallon of the red stuff. The gore in this sequel was pretty tame for a Friday the 13th movie.

4

blood
BREASTS

One boobie in real time and 3 skeeter-bites that you can only see if you click the slow-motion button.

4

beast
BEASTS

This sequel has 4 monsters, Jason, Rennie’s Uncle Charles, and a couple of street thugs

8.1 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan”

trailers

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Jan

Comments Off on “Hawk the Slayer” Rest Stop Review Edition

Hawk-the-Slayer

I bet he still can't do a pull-up

Before Conan the Barbarian flexed his pecks, Before Red Sonja heaved her breasts, Before the Beast Master stroked his ferrets, there was Hawk THE SLAYER. Hawk – Defender of truth, do gooder of justice, crusher of evil things, and a hero of hair gel. What we got here is a renaissance festival theater group deciding to put together a movie and dang it all if they didn’t get Jack “I crap better movies than this” Palance to sign on. They must have slipped a roofie in his coffee or had some incriminating evidence against him. By the way, Jack’s coffee is just a cup of coffee beans and some rocks for him to grind in his mouth. He’s that gristled.

Hawk the Slayer played by John Terry leads a rag tag group of live D&D action figures to fight the evil Voltan (Mr. Palance in a darth vadar suit)  who is actually the older crankier brother of Hawk. He’s still biter about Hawk stealing his stalker victim/girlfriend back in ye Medevil Highschool. She also took a torch to his face right before he accidentally cross bowed her on a canoe. Not really the best first date. No woman ever wanted old pizza face after that incident so Voltan has to adopt a son by the name of Volgo to pass on his legacy. Volgon only has aspirations  to assassinate his father and become “Lord of the dance.” but  he gets skewered by Hawk instead.  To top that off Volton’s Dad gives Hawk the Elven Mindstone suber duper glow sword  instead of him right before he died. Sorta like getting the keys to dad’s Corvette, so you can understand how Volton has some rage issues at this point. Hawk goesn traveling the countryside rescuing fair maidens and showing them how he can levitate his sword, and Volton is out burning villages and applying magic ointment cream to his face.

Hoping to seek his revenge, Volton  kidnaps a nun before any nazis can get to her first in hopes that  Hawk will show up before he torches the monastery at midnight. Hawk hears of this treachery and assembles a team of elves, dwarfs and giants to rescue her…and if they have time, maybe a quick LARP tournament afterwards.

Hawk mostly expresses feeling of apathy and blandness while performing David copperfield tricks to amuse himself while his buddies are getting hacked down by Voltons henchman. It would all be pretty depressing if it wasn’t done to 70’s disco music. Hawk must find the courage to fight his evil brother while defending the monastery and their secret pot of gold as Volton’s forces decend upon them for a epic final battle of glowing ping pong balls cheap sword play and silly string. I think the special effects budget just ran out.

Roadside attractions:  mace to the face, cross bow machine guns, dwarf protective death dome, magical hula-hoops, fishing with a whip, death by silly string, glowing ping pong ball attack, Vulcan elf ears.

Barry Goodall says rent it so that his suffering will not be in vein! huzzzzahhhh!

BEST QUOTE:

“Now this must stay a secret between you and me. Not only will I bring back the head of this Hawk, but I’ll have the gold as well. Then Voltan will see who is the lord of the dance.” – Drogo

trailers

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Looking for hard to find cult movies and unreleased DVD’s of some vintage b-movies then check out www.superstrangevideo.com. They provide many of the movies we review here at the site and will give you a great price on whatever film you’re trying to track down.

Jan

Comments Off on Revenge of the B-movie Trailers

We’ve found some more movie trailers both old and new for you to check out. Enjoy!

Mega Piranha

Well, the masters of blockbuster rip-offs, Asylum Films, are at it again. This time they’re looking to “reel-in” viewers with their killer fish clone, “Mega Piranha.” The basic premise is a school of not very friendly, mutated, and wingless, but flying fish (thanks to some really bad CGI effects) is blamed for several bizarre deaths. If you’re thinking the plot smells fishy that’s because it’s practically been lifted from “Piranha 2: The Spawning”, which was made almost 30 years ago. Anyway, various piranhas are shown attacking a building and a high-flying helicopter. It’s hilarious watching them soar through the air in every direction like they’ve been fired out of cannons. Not surprisingly, the dumb and helpless humans in the movie quickly end up becoming fish food, except for a guy who channels Jackie Chan and uses kick attacks would like to suggest a career change.  Maybe train to be a chef, perhaps go back to school for a business administration degree, or perhaps a fireman.  Anything that does not involve the cinematic arts. Only director, Uwe Boll (“House of the Dead”) would make a movie this bad and expect it to be taken seriously. If you like cheesy, bottom-of-the-fish-barrel, SyFy channel-style films, then “Mega Piranha” will have you, hook, line, and sinker.

Mutant Swinger From Mars

The title alone made me curious about seeing this preview. At first I was wondering if this was some kind of soft-core porn movie from the 50’s that I had somehow missed. Well, after watching the trailer I’m a little disappointed that it’s not a long-forgotten porn movie, but I’m happy to write that it looks to be an another gut-busting satire that takes inspiration from those old 50’s sci-fi movies. It seems Martians (who look like rejects from an old episode of “Star Trek”) have invaded planet Earth again to kidnap as many earth women as possible. They probably got the idea after watching “Earth Girls Are Easy.” Now, there’s one thing that I can’t figure out, and that’s how Mars apparently has water to support organic life forms, but they don’t have a dating service.

Puppet Master: Axis of Evil

I’d written off Full Moon years ago after seeing their piss-poor excuse of a film called “Decadent Evil”, which lifted so much footage from other movies that even Ed Wood would have drawn the line. But I have to admit that this trailer really makes an effort to capture the feel and atmosphere of earlier “Puppet Master” movies. This latest sequel picks up after the events of “Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge”, which is my favorite film in the series. The whole gang (Blade, Pinhead, Leech Woman, etc.) look to be back in action, which should make fans of the series happy. Let’s just hope that Full Moon founder, Charlie Band, is starting a new trend with this installment: releasing movies that are actually fun to watch.

Michael Morlock’s Supernatural World

The actor who plays Michael Morlock really could be a Michael Moore impersonator. The trailer starts off with Morlock earning some extra cash pimping a Viagra knock-off while filming his latest documentary. Then we see him conducting eye witness interviews and doing investigative reporting at various locations where supernatural phenomena have supposedly occurred, such as the “Tunnel of Doom”, which just looks like an ordinary bridge to me. This is probably the kind of movie you’d end up with if the real Michael Moore had directed sci-fi documentaries.

Sharktopus

A creature that is half shark and half octopus, not to be confused with Oprah, has been created for the Navy so they can use the deadly “double feature” as the ultimate weapon. And before you can say Long John Silver’s, aquatic chaos ensues as the creature flips its creators the middle fin and starts chowing down on anything with a pulse. This flick has all the things that we’ve come to expect from a SyFy channel movie such as Z-grade visual effects, a cast of washed-up actors (I mean that affectionately), and dialog that’s been tastefully ripped-off from other movies. B-movie fans will enjoy seeing legendary B-movie director/producer Roger Corman’s cameo as a beach comber who finds a gold coin on the beach after “Sharktopus” has just eaten your standard issue clueless, blonde bimbo.

Jan

posted by admin | January 1, 2011 | 80's movies, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall, Slasher

Comments Off on Bloody New Year

Bloody New Year

I gotta admit I prefer budget lodging in this Michigan economy. Just give me a room with a bed and a TV and I’m living the life of a king. It probably comes from my dad whose idea of a family vacation was going up north with us in the back of the pickup so we’d just slide around like loose change. Apparently he thought we could just go limp if we were in an accident. Luckily we’d only stop for some deer venison jerky or to close up that loose tailgate. Once at our destination he could always find the cheapest hotel in the area. I kept holding out for the possibility of a pool but my dad would just say “They charge you extra for that…I can just spray you down with the hose out back.”

Bloody New Year

The motel would have signs advertising amenities like “AIR” or “COLOR TV” usually placed over a flickering neon sign with a letter or two burned out. Yes enjoy your stay at the “HO EL” where you too can fall asleep to the gentle sounds of a bug zapper killing it’s prey or play that always popular game of “name that stain.”

The room would usually smell of dank mothballs and your feet would sink immediately into an inch deep matting of wall to wall shag carpet. All this fenced in by your standard issued 60’s wood paneling. I can still feel those walls closing in on me like I was Han Solo in that Death Star garbage room scene. “Wait, there’s something moving in the carpet!” If you were lucky you’d get a bed with those vibrating magic fingers and for a mere quarter you could get your inner organs reorganized or your spine realigned without those hefty chiropractor bills. Now that I have my own kids I too find myself drawn to those roadside budget lodgings but I know to always keep a can of bug spray handy and look for one with a heated pool. So if you’re ever on Lost Highway I suggest Big Marge’s Sunset Motel. The Sunset has clean rooms, great rates, and the morning coffee will put hair on your chest. Marge is proof of that.

Bloody New YearSpeaking of hotels you don’t want to stay overnight at. The Grand Island Hotel in “Bloody New Year” redefines the term “tourist trap.” A group of middle aged looking British teens after a long day of harassing carnies crash their sail boat on a remote island. There they find a strange Bavarian looking hotel seemingly abandoned and hastily decorated for a New Years party. Turns out an experimental government plane took a nose dive on the island back in the 50’s creating this sort of time rip in space where the dead are stuck haunting the hotel. Sorta like the line at Secretary of State only for the undead so rightfully the spirits there are a bit cranky. At first things seem pretty normal, maids service is sporadic, beds get turned down mysteriously. There’s also open bars and peeping toms, but nothing you wouldn’t otherwise expect at your Hotel 6. Unfazed the soggy group find some vintage clothes left over from a Happy Days rerun to change into and proceed to investigate the rest of resort. Downstairs there’s a B-movie marathon playing on a makeshift theater showing a much more interesting “Attack of the Brain Stem” film but then they cut over to some lame home movies of the hotel instead. “Bring back the brain stems!”

Things do liven up a bit when an Arabian sheik fresh from the set of Aladdin leaps out of the screen and kills Spud “I’m Alrighta” with a scratch to the face. A good reminder to always wash your hands! This horrifying event doesn’t seem to affect the rest of the group which range from apathy to boredom “Oh bullocks Spud’s dead… maybe we should wrap him in tinfoil and poke holes in him.”

The group wisely decide to split up to make the killing go more quickly  Tom and his girlfriend head off to investigate a nearby beach house and try to get in some nooky time. Once inside they they get attacked by a malevolent fish net and a demonic end table that they impale with a fish hook. If only they had learned early on the true horrors of Red Lobster decor!

horror hotelMeanwhile Rick and his girlfriend head down to the beach front for some afternoon clam digging but are soon drawn to mysterious sounds of laughter in the nearby woods. The sound gets louder as they approach the center of the island and find themselves in an arborist nightmare of giggling trees and laughing shrubs. The chia-pet demons start dive bombing them so they run out of there faster than Mark Wahlberg in a crappy Shyamalan film. They end up at at crash site of vintage WWII action plane where a zombie pilot’s head explodes and ruins Rick’s stylin suit jacket.

But then things get weird…

Like a Scooby Doo episode the carny gang from the mainland appear on the island fresh from their rowboat workout to terrorize those darn meddlin’ kids. People start turning into fondue faced zombies and  carnies get their heads ripped off like twist caps on soda bottles. There’s disappearing maids, dandruff storms, elevators that soak up patrons like big bounty towels and there’s evil furniture banisters with Kung-Fu grip. I think I might have hallucinated that last part but I swear at one point they get attacked by ping pong balls and ride a billiards table like a surf board in a zombie disco. These are just some of the many amenities you too can enjoy at the Grand Hotel island!

The guest list dwindles down as most of them now are Demonites under hotel management. Rick and his girlfriend not wanting a bad case of bed hair or getting disemboweled battle their way back to shore to find the getaway rowboat. Will they discover the secrets of Grand Island? Will they escape the ghosts evil clutches? Was Mr. Bean the only thing funny to ever come out of Britain? All this and more can be answered in “Bloody New Year.”

I was half expecting Bloody New Year  to just be another run of the mill holiday themed slasher but it turned out to be a fun little creepfest with some obvious nods to The Shining..well except without all those pesky things like plot or acting to get in the way. Retroman Says check it out “and be sure to bring a clean pair of Alan Whickers you bloody land lover, or I’ll box yer blimey ears you bugger. Gots No time for Rumpy Pumpy!”

“ohhh Bullocks.”

roadside attractions

  • 1 exploding zombie pilot
  • 1 shotgun zombie blast and dismemberment
  • 1 neck corkscrew
  • 2 banister demon Muppets
  • Carnival boat parades
  • Peeping tom ghosts
  • Multiple arm choppings
  • Paranormal furniture movers
  • Invisible bed turnover services
  • Sheik scratch fever
  • End tables demon possessions
  • Laughing bushes
  • Death by boat propeller
  • Attacking fish nets
  • Gut punching
  • Killer ping pong balls
totals

9

blood
BLOOD

plenty of dismemberment

7

blood
BREASTS

Not much nudity to keep the horndogs interested.

9

beast
BEASTS

plenty of zombified island guests and ghostly ghouls.

8.2 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Bloody New Year”

trailers

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Dec

Comments Off on Black Christmas (2006): Rest Stop Review by Doktor


if one goes out they all go out!

Black Christmas (1974) is a cute movie. How scary can a movie be whose only psycho is Margot Kidder, and her mental health bender wasn’t until 22 years later.

Yawn.

The plot is, well, the same as the original, plot-o-tron-3K-tastic. A group of college girls are being killed by a psycho killer, who enjoys taunting them with obscene calls. Perfect for Blood, Breasts and Beasts!

This is how the real Black Christmas (2006), scores in the 3 B’s …

Blood:

It delivers in a 5 gal. bucket. Car windows are completely spray splattered. There’s enough spilled to allow the characters to slip ‘n slide around in it. And just for plan old fun gore, there’s several blood goo covered eyeballs that are removed, and ate.

Mmmmm, mmmmm! Just like Donna Bleed makes, ‘cept in a better movie than the original.

Breasts:

Two Perfect Pert Perkies™, and a SUH-weet shower butt shot! Tugger, Little Toot Tugboat’s big brother, says, “They’re Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbeautiful!”

The wonderfully talented Crystal Lowe, aka Hot Party Girl #3 in 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, gave of herself so that we might enjoy this movie. God bless you, Crystal. God bless you.

Beasts:

Two, ACTUAL, psycho freaks in this one. First is Billy Lenz (as played by “Yellow Bastard” Roark Jr. before Hartigan took him out) and his Daughter-Sister™ Agnes. That’s right, daughter-sister, as in, this here movie has got some mother/son love going on.

Only 100% Grade-A, psychos here.

Rating (on it’s own merits): 3 Cheese Wedges

Rating (versus the original): 5 Cheese Wedges

trailers

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