It gets a little lonely on the road, so I decided I’d settle into a motel with a movie about love and devotion and happiness, so I picked Feed.

Feed (2005) is the heartwarming tale of the kind of love that blossoms on Craigslist and fetish websites, which in turn is investigated by every major law enforcement agency on the planet. Now, I’m all for doing whatever you want with your body, and putting whatever disgusting thing you want to into whatever disgusting orifice you feel like; I mean, I can do things with a length of garden hose and a can of easy cheese that’ll curl your toes, but when it gets into those strange murky areas where people will die or kill someone just to get their rocks off, it gets a little squicky.

The flick opens with a man in an advanced state of nekkid holding a plate full of burgers and fries over a bedridden obese woman wearing lipstick and little else, and touching himself in a manner that usually requires going to confession afterward. He forces her to say “Feed Me!” like a doughy Audrey II, then shoves the burger into her maw while waxing poetic, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Then, the film breaks away to a home in Germany being subject to a raid by a cybercrime unit being led by Detective Jackson from…Australia… Not sure how the jurisdictional laws work out there; but he leads the charge and goes in to find the stove full of pots and pans, one of which contains a bit of male anatomy being sautéed. Cut to upstairs, and there’s two men in the bathroom, one snacking (literally) on the other. The bloody fellow starts screaming about how it’s his body and he wants to be eaten… Yikes.

Jackson goes home and has a violent love affair with his girlfriend, but is now haunted by the memories of the Germany raid and starts searching for his next case, which happens to be a website featuring the voluptuous lady Deidre that we met in the first scene. She’s a Gainer, and has just reached her goal of 600 pounds, and is worshipped. Her Feeder, Michael, who is also the admin of the website, keeps track of her vital signs, and we see that there are bets placed on the site for how long the various members think she will live. This is a problem for Jackson, who investigates the site further to see a memorial page to the last featured lady, Lucy, and videos of her with a tube and funnel in her mouth being force fed something that looks really gross, then dying.

He ends up travelling to America against the wishes of his superiors, and stalks the owner of the site. He finds the priest who runs the boy’s home where Michael lived for a while, and then we meet Abby, who conveniently knows a lot about Michael, and invites Jackson out for a Whopper.

From here the movie gets a little preachy; Michael places lots of emphasis on the “what is beauty?” argument and talk of outrageous standards in America of thinness and overall appearance, and showers his big beauties in devotion, love, marinara, whipped cream, and barbeque sauce. Jackson thinks its flat-out murder, and also thinks the whole thing is just nasty.  Jackson has his own demons, though; but Michael ends up drugging him with a doughnut while crowing his catchphrase, “Consumption is Evolution,” and for reasons I don’t understand injects his belly with…something. Jackson wakes up and does a Rambo job on himself, then it’s on like Simon Lebon.

Michael is one creepy sumbish, let me tell you. He’s the textbook pretty-boy psychopath; we get informed by flashback that his mother was bedbound, and he had to care for her in much the same way that he takes care of Deidre, so a whole crazy Norman Bates vibe gets added to the mix. We also discover that Michael is married to a very pretty skinny lady, so now it’s a question of, is he really REALLY into this, or is he just an unsub with unlimited income and multiple homes?

The wife says he’s doing God’s work, so now we have the fetish plus a thriving oedipal complex with a side of religious weirdness. Jackson kidnaps her and shows her what her husband is really up to, which throws her into a full-on speaking in tongues rapture type frenzy, and he kidnaps her and tracks the bad guy down.

While all this is going on, Deidre is being fed a weight gain mix of bulking agent, eggs, and the rendered blubbage of the previous occupant of her bed, Lucy. I had to stop a moment and collect myself, because that’s just nasty.

Jackson finally arrives for the ultimate showdown, and he and Michael chase each other around for a while, the whole time Deidre is wavering between having a massive coronary and screaming for Jackson not to hurt Michael, to get out and leave them alone. Jackson finds Lucy’s corpse in the living room, and Michael’s dad in the den, being starved to death. The fight travels back upstairs, and Michael forces Jackson to feed Deidre the Lucy chowder, which ends badly. Deidre continues to go nuts, which sparks a minor Michael freakout in which he reveals he killed his mom and cut the fat off of her body, but Deidre doesn’t care about that, even when Michael holds a pillow over her face and smothers her a little. Just a little, though, it’s alright, she still loves him!

The final showdown is full of yelling and more preaching from the book of Michael, until Jackson takes matters into his own hands and shoots…

Deidre!  HE SHOT DEIDRE! What the hell? Did M. Night Shyamalan have something to do with this? Holy crap that was NOT what I expected! The screen goes dark, and there are two more shots.

We come back to a sunny home, Jackson biddy-bops into the kitchen and there’s Abby! She’s making sandwiches! She’s also gained a bit of weight since the last we saw her. Jackson kisses her on the cheek and says he’s going out for a bit, and she hands him a bag of sandwiches and tells him not to be late for supper.

Jackson travels back to the farmhouse and into the room where the rotting corpse of Deidre still lays in bed. He opens the doors to the balcony and sets up a chair and table. He sits and takes a bite of his sandwich, then offers a bite to Michael, who is strapped to a wheelchair and has wasted away to skeletal thinness. Jackson makes him say the famous words, “Feed Me,” and the movie ends. The credits roll to a bizarrely peppy techno song about how we love life and should shake it up and cool down.

Feed definitely delivered, for most of the film I was disturbed and definitely grossed out. This is not one for the family for sure; there is full frontal nudity of both the guys and gals, and scenes of high intensity aardvarking.

5 beasts; every major character in this movie is despicable, and the German cannibal guy is scary as all getout.

1 gallon of blood, mostly in the German Cannibal scene.

Sautéed wangdoodles, exploitation-fu, sponge bath-fu, gratuitous self abuse, marinara-fu, barbeque sauce-fu, whipped cream-fu, cookie-fu, burger-fu, ill-fitting lingerie, 24 hour streaming webcam-fu, pay porno site-fu, bad internet detective-fu, hot raunchy aardvarking, breast-biting, doughnuts roll, bellies flop. 4 stars.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going for a jog and I’ll meet a man in a bar like the good lord intended.

Tagline: The Dead Shall Rise and Walk the Earth

Year: 1980 Runtime: 93 min

Director: Lucio Fulci

Writer: Lucio Fulci (story & screenplay) Dardano Sacchetti (story & screenplay)

Starring: Christopher George, Catriona MacColl and Carlo De Mejo

This is one of those movies that makes you scratch your head and grunt, “HUH?!?”

First and foremost, as the name suggests, this is a zombie film. Fulci, like Romero, knows his way around the genre. At least one would think. Both men have done their fair share of films in the genre, not to mention they were friends. Besides, it’s not a very complex style of film.

Zombie Types

There are different forms of zombies. Voodoo, nuclear waste, government bacterial/viral research gone awry and sacrilegious to name a few of the most popular.

This film falls into the last category. The zombies are released when a priest hangs himself in a cemetery. What’s more, for some reason, a troop of monkeys is also released. We never learn wither they’re from—the local zoo or hell. Regardless, if you listen you can clearly hear their calls. Oooooooo, spooky. Nothing sets the mood like night, fog and the wild calls of monkeys.

Zombie Characteristics

Most zombies have fairly straight forward attributes. They moan, they move slowly (or fast in more resent films), they are decaying, they eat brains, they infect others by biting them and they are killed by destroying their brain/removing their head.

Fulci’s zombies follow the established convention in but one aspect, they move slowly. Otherwise, they sound like Aslan after a swift kick in the love spuds, they can teleport, they look like they’ve got monkey-poo smeared on their face (maybe that’s why the monkeys were cut loose), they only scalp their victims (pulling off the backs of their heads), their bite does not infect others and they can be killed by stabbing them in the stomach with a pointy stick. Alternatively, they can be killed in mass when Suicide Priest is stabbed in the crotch with a wood picket.

Zombie Infection

How does one becomes a zombie, you ask? Normally, as noted above, by being bitten. Yet Fulci changes the game significantly. There are two ways one can become a zombie.

First, Suicide Priest can cram a handful of wormy monkey feces in your face. Secondly, Suicide Priest can use his “evil eye” on you. This is particularly interesting because it causes one to cry blood and vomit up one’s intestines. And, as a nice final touch, if you happen to be a white women, it also performs a negro-plasty, turning her hands into those of a black man. I can’t help but pick up on a slightly racist undertone here. I mean, black hands do the dirty work? The phrase “cotton-pickin’ hands” comes to mind.

Whereas Fulci took some interesting liberties with the genre, the characters are a mostly boring lot, with the exception of the Rent-a-Center Bob Ross, psychologist. This guy isn’t fazed by anything. I’m sure psychologist face some pretty horrible stuff in their day-to-day affairs, but this guy is cold as ice. Here’s but a few of the things he’s a witness to but just blows off:

• random dead bodies appearing/disappearing
  • monkey-poo faced zombies
  • walls bleeding
  • teleporting Suicide Priest
  • Suicide Priest’s hex vision causing bleeding eye syndrome
  • millions of meal worms blown into room, particularly into his face, porno money-shot style

The ending is most perplexing. Bob Ross and Mary, the one woman with the hero’s death exemption, make it out of the tomb of Suicide Priest and find little John-John, the child with the hero’s death exemption, waiting with the police. Overjoyed that someone has survived John-John squeals and makes a bee-line for them. His run goes slo-mo and Mary starts screaming blood murder. Yet, there’s no zombies or Suicide Priest lurking about. The only thing I can figure is she’s freaked because she realized she’s John-John’s only living friend and might have to adopt the brat.

Opening a coffin with a pick-ax to save the person inside from being buried alive Self-inflating blow-up sex doll. Rent-a-Center Archie Bunker patron at local bar. Painting of a “happy little” rhinoceratopus.	10 BLOOD 10 Buckets. Coming out of eyes, throwing up intestines, scalped victims. 0 BREASTS This is the biggest HUH?!? of them all. You should stop on a pair of breasts with every other pan of the camera. Lucio, what were you thinkin’?!? 10 BEASTS Loads of Monkey-poo faced zombies. 9.0 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “City of the Living Dead”

Tokyo is being terrorized by a crazed beast. But this time it’s not Gojira, he needed to use up some vacation time and took the day off.

A deranged scientist (aren’t they all that way in these movies) has finally run out of family members to do experiments on and he really needs a new lab rat to continue his “important” work. Conveniently, a “dumb as a stick” writer shows up at his house to do an article about him. Not long after arriving, the mad scientist who’s also known as Dr. Suzuki offers him a drink that’s been laced with a “ruffie” and after a couple of sips he passes out. Jeez! What a lightweight. While Larry (that’s the guy’s name) is unconscious Mr. “I can give you a great deal on a boat, atv, car or motorcycle” Suzuki shoots him up with some kind of genetic experiment, similar to those govt. flu vaccinations.

The mad scientist, who also earns extra cash as a pimp on the side doesn’t want his petri dish on two legs to leave Tokyo, so he keeps him busy by serving up plenty of ho’s and Saki. He even offers Larry his prized egg roll, an assistant named Tara. A day or so after the injection strange things begin happening to Larry. He goes from being a mild mannered Professor Klump type of person to an abusive womanizer who runs around assaulting random women. I think he’s been hanging around Charlie Sheen too much. Then late one night after getting his fill of the Geisha buffet, Larry goes home and discovers a nasty looking rash on his shoulder. That what he gets for not using some kind of protection. Luckily, for him the rash goes away but then an eyeball sprouts out of his shoulder. Hey, aren’t “third eyes” supposed to appear in the middle of the head? Well, it probably got lost trying follow Map Quest directions. Anyway, things continue to get worst when other symptoms start showing up like a hairy palm and finger nails that grow as long as Wolverine’s claws. Now, I just checked out Larry’s symptoms on Web MD and I was wrong, it’s not an STD. Maybe, he’s going through puberty again???

Well, I’m not to sure what’s goin’ on here, but the movie starts to get Tom Cruise jumpin’ on Oprah’s couch freaky when a little shrunken head sporting some bad looking teeth (must be British) pops outta Larry’s shoulder like a stripper bursting from a big birthday cake. And before you can say double trouble, the crazed duo are destroying public property Chris Brown style and murdering various people on the street using the Ripper’s as in Jack the Ripper’s MO. Soon the police are hot on their trail like Wynona Ryder after a shop lifting spree. But after awhile Larry tires of the freakshow life style and decides to call it quits with his new BBF. Apparently, two heads aren’t better than one. That’s a real shame. They seemed so happy together. Counseling isn’t an option as Larry quickly splits with his other half using a tree trunk like a crowbar to pry himself apart. Well, at least they won’t have to pay for divorce attorneys. A newly single, and back on the market Larry watches from a distance as the Trog wannabe steals his girlfriend Tara and they both take the Nestea plunge into a volcano. Then the credits immediately roll for what has to be the fastest ending that I’ve ever seen in a movie that still has me wondering if the director ran outta film?

Half Man, Half Monster, a 100% pure B-movie cheese.

Roadside Attractions:

- A double-header villian
- Random murders
- 1 crazy scientist
- 1 scorned wife
- Extreme Saki drinking
- Supersized lee press on nails
- Plenty of DIY make-up effects
- 1 eyeball on the shoulder gag
- 1 hairy palm
- Creepy Thermin music
- Geisha girl bloodbath
- A head sprouts out of a shoulder
- A guy wearing a hokey gorilla costume

Unfortunately, a trailer isn’t available even though this movie is in the public domain.

Tagline: “The Rider” must destroy the evil Omega Force.
Year: 1983 Runtime: 92 min
Director: David Worrth
Writer: David Worth

Starring: Robert “The Exterminator” Ginty, Persis “Star Trek” Khambatta and Donald “Halloween” Pleasence

Italian. Post apocalypse. Motorcycle with more plastic additions than Joan Rivers’ face.

Normally I wouldn’t need to say anything else ‘cos surely you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’ve seen Mad Max, you’ve seen all the post apocalypse movies. This movie is interesting because somehow, despite it’s Ultra-Low budget of $13.68, David Worth got some “name” actors.

Robert “The Exterminator” Ginty

I know that Italians liked a tough, slow-talkin’ hero, but Ginty is slow like that “special” cousin you were forced to include in whatever games you’re playing when his family came over for the holidays. At best he’s a Rent-a-Center Barry Bostwick, though, truth be told, I’m just being nice. His delivery is the auditory equivalent of maple syrup passing through a coffee filter. I had to tweeze my lengthier nostril hairs to keep awake whenever he said anything.

Persis “Star Trek” Khambatta

She’s the exotic love interest, which I suppose works. She’s no Bea Arthur, but I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating samosas. She is out of place though. See, her father, whom she’s on a mission to save, is as white as a mayonnaise sandwich. Plus, she comes from a group of toga wearing Greek wanna-bes.

Donald “Halloween” Pleasence

Original Doctor Evil. Seriously. The only difference in Pleasence’s character and Mike Myers’ is Pleasence doesn’t have the monocle scar. Also, he wears a glove on his left hand to accent his “Bob Dole” arm.

Finally, I would be remiss if I left out Speedcycle

This is the high-tech ride that The Rider rides. It’s graphical user interface is a 3” TRS-80 screen that displays everything it says. I suppose it was necessary to do so, for the viewers to understand what it was squeeking, because the voice unit sounded like Orko on helium.

Roadside Attractions:

• Within the first 10 minutes of the film, The Rider, the super bad-ass, is shot three times, once in the head.
• To add insult to The Rider’s injuries, promptly after escaping the headshot, Speedcycle, in auto-pilot, drives head on into a cliff.
• Healing flashlights. They can remove even the toughest of Louisiana Hot Sauce Blood applications.
• Gratuitous cars driving off cliffs and exploding.
• WORST. SHOTS. EVER. Watch the trailer clip below to see exactly how people can miss even while driving point blank close to one another.
• Cave C.H.U.D.
• Cave C.H.U.D. are the bouncers for Club Utopia, a spandex and stud club.
• Mega Weapon: a huge dump truck, painted black, with a useless anti-personnel flame thrower set about 12’ up.
• Warriors style gangs: Kung Fu Dudes, Nazis, Femmes, Hill-Billies and 80’s Punks.

Demonic muppets take over a Canadian farm house rented out by Satan and only John Mikl Thor can break their lease on evil. In what  arguably might be Canada’s worse export since Celine Dion, Rock n’ Roll Nightmare takes big slabs of steroid fed beef and tries to stuff them in sequined jump suits much to the horror of it’s viewers. John Triton (Thor) is one such metal meathead whose love of rockin’ out is only matched by his love for Weight Gain 2000. He drives a pimpin’ van to a secluded farmhouse where baked hell spawn have already killed a family and stuffed them in the oven like spare frying pans. Along for the ride is his slow witted band and some newly weds celebrating their honeymoon, but they just end up washing all the band’s dishes and getting eaten by a greasy skinned hellbeast. If only they’d gone to Niagara Falls instead. After a few ear bleedin’ rehearsals, midget demons start running all over the farmhouse chewing on people’s neck and causing a ruckus. John seems oblivious to that fact since he’s been  busy writing bad love songs and  grooping his girlfriend in the shower…a difficult scene to endure considering Thor had the bigger breasts.

After the rest of the band members are picked off, John is left alone to face off with Belza “Bub” in a cage match show down when he suddenly transforms himself into a glamrock angel in a speedo whose supposed to send Satan back to his netherworld, a Hell apparently even worse than Quebec. it’s revealed that all the band members including a handful of groupies were just made up in John’s thick head in order to distract the demons and get the devil to reveal himself. This also begs the question, who was John ardvarking in the shower with earlier? Shudder as you ponder that possibility.

Barry Goodall says get your studded leather thong on and get ready to jam with Rock n’ Roll Nightmare…oh, and always have some talcum powder on hand to avoid schaffing. Now that’s a real Rock n’ Roll nightmare.

Roadside Attractions:

- Deadly ninja demon starfish
- Phallic muppets with nicotine addictions
- Overcooked oven demons
- Coffee luggies
- Extreme hickies
- Keyboard transvestites
- Deformed dog faced dwarfs
- Studded thong battle gear
- Monster cop a feels
- Possessed chicken drum sticks

if I was in a Canadian metal band I’d probably have to imagine groupies in my head too.