Archive for the 'B-movies' Category

Jan

posted by admin | January 2, 2008 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Comedy, Horror movies, Uncategorized

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Bikini Bloodbath

“Her date with a midget Mexican Hitler impersonator didn’t really turn out like she hoped.

Well It’s a brand new year. So I say goodbye to 2007 and all of your “don’t taser me bros” and “Britney Spears head shaving shenanigans” and hello to a year of renewed excitement and new direction and a lot of TV political ads. Ok 2007, sorry I said those bad things before…I’m not really ready for 2008 and all it’s Diane Sawyers and Huckabee Fins. I didn’t mean it so please come back. I did however watch the newly refitted strobe of death light ball drop in Times Square last night and I must say that ball was about as bright as a small red sun this year. I wouldn’t have been surprised to see party goers running in terror as the light burned their retinas from it’s new Eco-friendly LED (Light emitting death) bulbs. But instead viewers got to endure live performances of Hannah Montana and see Ryan Seacrest babble on about his hair. Hmmm…. I think I would have preferred to be blinded.

With a new year comes a new crop of b-movies and I kicked off the year with a film that puts the “b” back in b-movie. It even smacks it upside the head and calls it names and makes it sit in the corner sucking its thumb. It’s sort of a less plot, more blood, more breasts, and well at least one beast…(if you don’t count the lesbian gym teacher)…and one beard, oh and several references to the term “beaver.” But mostly it’s a story about simple minded highschool girls that badly play volleyball, shower together, and shop for groceries…so it’s already better than Spiderman 3 in my book. The girls become the target of a phyco French chef who has been killing girls wandering the nearby forest. I only think he was French based on his angry disposition and hatred for Americans…though he sort of reminded me of a cross between the chef from the Muppets and the lead singer from ZZ-Top.

The surviving group of the girls decide to throw a party that night even with the knowledge there’s a killer on the loose. So after a marathon long grocery shopping session and extensive party preparations that would make Martha Stewart jealous, they finally get the tunes jamming and snacks snacking. Hot tub dipping and extended dressing and undressing scenes pad the film like a Larry Flint with ADD is directing but that’s to just to keep us paying attention.

A few of the local highschool guys crash the bikini hot tub party after narrowly escaping a creepy football jockfest game of twister down the street. Popcorn and Strawberry daiquiri’s are served….and served..and served again. Because nothing helps your senses and survival skills like dousing your brain in alcohol. The chef slices and dices through most of these drunk cattle like a fast food Japanese sushi meal ( but with bad special effects) until a final bikini standoff in the dad’s garage next to a tanning booth ala Hell’s Kitchen. Chef Gordon Ramsay would have been a better choice for the killer and he would have recommended a fine red wine to go with those party snacks. The soundtrack is hilarious with spoofs on Friday the 13th, Footloose, and Flash Dance along with some 80 style metal rock from the band “White Ligger.” (Don’t accept any substitutes like White Tiger or White Lion..there is only one Ligger.) The film is shot in a “we’re almost porn” budget style, but it’s still entertaining and good enough for a beer night… minus the creepy football player party, so I say check it out and bring your swim trunks.

Keep an eye out for…

– olympic volleyball rejects
– cheeseburger obsessed homeless
– gratuitous use of bedroom flamingos
– grocery shopping marathons
– telephone nun-chucks
– Flash dancing rednecks
– hot White Ligger lovin’
– pre-death daikires
– severed leg hugging
– facist taco stands

“White Liggers don’t take showers…they take bloodbaths.”

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Bikini Bloodbath

Dec

posted by admin | December 23, 2007 | B-movies, Uncategorized

Comments Off on Merry Christmas and Watch out for Killer Snowmen

No new movie reviews this week. I feel it’s a good time to reflect upon the year and celebrate the joyous Christmas season. In the meantime please take a look through my review archives for some great films you may have missed. I’m taking a short break from all the b-movie goodness and building a snowman with my kids. You can see the results below.

Dec

posted by admin | December 21, 2007 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies

Comments Off on Cheerleader Camp (a.k.a Bloody Pom Poms)

Cheerleader Camp

” Do you think there’s beer on the moon?” “
No, but I wonder if I can drink you too. BUUURRRPPP!

Well I ‘ve head a bad viral head cold for the past week . Doing my best impression of a brain dead zombie I watched this little late night b-movie gem called “Cheerleader Camp” at about 2:30 in the morning. I couldn’t breath through my nose, my head was clogged up, my body ached and my doctor said I can’t use my nasal spray anymore! Fine advice from someone that can actually breath. I tell you there’s nothing more trippy than a movie this bad like this when your hopped up on cold medicine in the wee hours of the morning. It’ll give you weirder dreams than a spicy burrito platter from La Seniorettas and can give you about as much gas.

The movie’s plot revolves around a group of teenagers who are all driving to the backwoods to a second rate cheerleader camp where a local competition is being held. Guess they missed out on those pesky ESPN tryouts earlier that week. There’s also 2 guys that are cheerleaders along for the ride and what they lack in athletic ability they make-up for in ickyness and mullet hair gel. Lucinda Dickey, better known as Kelly from “Breakin‘” plays the squad’s alligator mascot and former teen stars like Leif Garrett and future porn star Teri Weigel also help round out the almost-actors cast. I believe There’s a few other girls that occasionally say lines but are mostly there to sunbath.

When the competition starts turning up dead and bloody the reaction of the camp leader/warden is priceless. She’s pretty much like “Shows over folks…nothing to see here” and then proceeds to put the body in the freezer next to the fish platters so she can get back to playing hide the Salami with the local Sherrif (she banged the sherrif but didn’t bang the deputy). Meanwhile even more people are getting killed off but this only seems to irritate the surviving campers especially if affects their chances at winning the competition. “I don’t care if Suzie’s got impaled by garden sheers I want to win that trophy!” Might be a good time to pack up the pom poms and head home.

Cheerleaders get smashed, sliced, choked, and chopped but the truly scary scene is where the overweight cheerleader guy decides to get dressed as a woman to go spy on the sunbathing cheerleaders. Oh the horror! Also feel the grip of terror as the two white guy cheerleader attempt to rap while wearing 80’s sunglasses. We now know where Vanilla Ice got his start.

In the end the movie is just a watered down version of Sleepaway Camp with it’s own twist ending you can see coming a mile away but it’s still entertaining none the less. Also watch for the old drunk groundskeeper who says things like “You darn kids are cutting into my drinking time!” or “Makes your pee-pee harder than a bag of nickel jawbreakers!” Priceless. So sit back and enjoy Cheerleader Camp and don’t forget to sharpen your pom poms.

Keep an eye out for…

– full moon drive by
– freezer burned cheerleader preserves
– White man rap of terror
– garden shears to the head
– meat clever to the back
– sheriff/bear trap
– cross dressing peeping toms
– death by long distance phone calls
– pom pom paper cuts

The most horrifying scene in the movie is a fat guy’s butt hanging out a van window. That scene is permanently burned into the dark corners of my brain. Man they can’t kill that guy off soon enough.

rated 7.6 out of 10 for the movie

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Check out the trailer for Cheerleader Camp

Nov

posted by admin | November 25, 2007 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies

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Death Wish 3

“ok tell me again which end the bullets come out of?”

After the carnage of another Thanksgiving day bloated and sleepy, I couldn’t stomach another gruesome horror movie blood bath so instead sat down with a copy of the vigilante movie Death Wish 3. Nothing like a Charles Bronson film to help regulate the old digestive tract. Have I seen the first 2 yet? nope…I figured third times the charm though and really do I need to understand the intricate plots of the first two movies to understand this film? It’s pretty much Charles Bronson with a big gun shooting up bad guys who have poor aim. That really sums up most of the plot of this movie. But what a glorious ballet of old western style vigilante shootouts I’ve ever seen.

Charles Bronson plays Pual Kersey who is accused of a crime he didn’t commit while visiting an old friend in a bad part of town. (acting without a license?). Kersey is arrested but offered a deal by the head balding cop of which there is many. He can murder all the street villains he wants as long as he occasionally calls in and lets the cops know about it. Sounds like a fair deal so Kersey moves into an apartment building in the mean part of the town that looks like a demilitarized zone. The building is occupied mostly by elderly people harboring giant shotguns and pistols and addictions to stuffed cabbage just waiting for a crazy man in a mustache to lead them to destroy the neighbor youth. When Senior Citizens go bad.

The neighborhood is ruled by a gang leader known as the Fraker who played by Gavan “check out my haircut” O’Herlihy. The gangs dressed in a variety of strange ensembles they found at a bargain bin costume store harass the residents and sneak thorugh windows stealing TV sets. Obviously their punishment should be death by a 52 magnum! So Kersey lays down his own law and sets up some mcgyver-like boobie traps for them. people are stabbed, shot with machine guns, thrown from rooftops, set on fire, ran over by cars, beaten with chains, blown-up with missile launcher, kicked, strangled, bludgeoned, and there’s even a few mighty evil glares exchanged. Between all the carnage Kersey even falls in love with a public defender played by Deborah Raffin who is young enough to be his daughter. After they spend the night together she dies in a horrible car accident only to further the revenge fuel for the fire and get back to the killing. The movie finale is great with a huge death toll on the gangs side while Bronson and his magnum walk through the city streets picking off bad guys like some sort of shoot-em up videogame.

I can’t say this is a great movie. In fact it’s pretty laughable but worth watching for the battle royal at the end. Also listen for the insane 80’s soundtrack…everything is emphasized with a 80’s Casio keyboard riff chord even when someone flashes their headlights it apparently needs some music support. Absolutely hilarious.

Keep an eye out for…

– renaissance festival reject gang members
– home tooth removal kits
– extreme foot acupuncture
– geriatric gun control
– reverse mowhawk tattoos
– spikes to the forehead
– extreme stuffed cabbage dinners
– missile launcher pest control
– gratuitous use of an 80’s soundtrack

Charles Bronson has only two speeds, walk and kill.

rated 7.2 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Death Wish 3

Nov

posted by admin | November 12, 2007 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Comedy, Cult Film, Horror movies, Uncategorized

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Fido

“She’s just a Nekromantic at heart.”

I come from a union family. My father worked the engine test line at a Michigan GM Assembly plant. I can still remember the picket lines and at that time never really understanding why employees would unionize and strike. Now that I’ve been in the corporate world for quite a while, I totally see the importance of a good union to protect employees rights, wages, and benefits so that corporations don’t steamroll over them. The union created the middle class and both have been slowly eroded leading to growing slave wage service industry and consumer based economy. Without a union backing you up, your boss can one day decide he doesn’t like that particular bad haircut you got and fire your butt. There that’s my soap box and I’m stepping off…I think Hoffa is buried under it anyways.

In Fido I’m once again reminded that behind a Union there’s is power to the people…even the undead should have employee rights. Welcome to the post zombie war era. Isolated towns now live in idealistic 1950’s communities fenced off from the unsavory deadlands where the zombies roam free. Instead in these corporate sponsored safe zones, zombies have been domesticated for the rich via a control collar that stops their urge to eat human flesh. They deliver milk and the paper, mow the lawns, walk people’s dog and generally moan about their work day. Things your teenager would do at a substantially reduced cost. Of course the side risk is that they tear your arm off and eat it but even with some teens you have to watch out for that possibility.

A local family wants to keep up with their upper class new neighbors so they purchase their first zombie servant played convincingly by Billy “I’m so Scottish I bleed kilts” Connolly. The young boy Timmy, treats him like a pet teaching him to fetch and catch a baseball (mostly in the face) but one day the collar accidentally loosens via a smack down with one mean grandma causing the zombie to chomp off the old ladies arm at the town’s park. Of course this causes a small zombie outbreak but it’s easily contained but the Corporate ZomCon hit squad who is called in for a round of zombie target practice. Little Timmy goes back to find the now zombified old lady and takes out some severe pre-teen anger to her head via a shovel then burying her in a flower bed to hide the evidence of Fido’s boo-boo.

Like a scene out of Lasie, minus the craving for human flesh, Fido and Timmy becomes best friends and spend their days playing in the woods, washing the car, and tossing obnoxious cubscouts. Soon even the mom played by Carrie Ann Moss has become smitten with their new pale friend. The dad is deathly afraid of zombies…in fact seems to be the only sane person in town who is and wants to get rid of Fido. Fido is blamed for all of the recent towns folks deaths and is sent off to work in the Zombcon factory near the borderlands. Where’s the a zombified Hoffa when you need one? Timmy and his mom drive to rescue him while their neighbor, a leader at Zomcon tries to stop them and as we all know in any good zombie movie, if you fence off zombies away from their food source, they eventually find a way in just like old people at a buffet.

I was hoping for a bit more carnage with a big zombie town outbreak but that never really panned out. Still all in all a fun little horror/comedy with a great social commentary. A sort of Leave it to Beaver meets Dawn of the Dead. Is it possible to make a family friendly zombie movie? Well this one almost is.

Keep an eye out for…

– school yard rifle ranges
– zombie washing and detailing
– shovel-fu
– zombie love-slaves
– zombies with nicotine habits
– extreme zombie zapping
– samba of the undead
– unionized zombies
– head coffins
– Cubscout tossing

“In the brain and not the chest, head shots are the very best. ”

rated 9.4 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Fido

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