Archive for the 'B-movies' Category

Oct

posted by admin | October 20, 2007 | 80's movies, B-movies, Cult Film, Cult movies, Horror movies

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Demons 2

“Dang that’s one ugly cat!”

I just celebrated my 34th birthday this past week. Hard to believe it but I don’t feel a day over 25. That was the age my car insurance rates went down so after that last milestone I kinda lost track. We celebrated with a ice cream cake and some heart-burn inducing pizza with my kids. My wife’s present to me was an official Goonies t-shirt and a promise she’d watch Deathproof with me after the kids went to sleep. A huge sacrifice on her part as she can’t stand most of the b-movies I hold so dear (The Warriors bored her to sleep.) Surprisingly she liked Tarantino’s take on the 70’s grindhouse genre, so there’s still a remote chance I’ll be able to get her to watch Troll 2. “Yeah honey it’s just like Deathproof except with Goblins!” So all in all I’m a happy 34 years young most of which I spent watching these wonderfully horrible movies that I’ll probably still be writing reviews for when I’m 100. Of course my brain will be cryogenically frozen at that time and we’ll be living in a baron wasteland full of zombie mutants but that’s how dedicated I am.

In the movie Demons 2 Sally doesn’t have such a great birthday experience. In fact her birthday would be ranked as the end all worse birthdays ever. She can’t find the perfect big shoulder padded dress to wear and her punk rocker ex-boyfriend is supposedly about to crash the party sending her into hysterics. Oh and to top it off, her television spits out a demon with a striking resemblance to Jerry Seinfield who possesses her so she can spread the demon virus to all her fellow big 80’s haired party goers. That generally puts a damper on anyone’s birthday celebration.

Trapped in a high security apartment hi-rise, the demons run a muck after Sally sinks her teeth and claws into the assortment of bad actors and bad singers. To hear them drone on and on with the birthday song, it’s no wonder she went all evil demon on them just to shut them up. Meanwhile on another floor a little boy apparently abandoned by his parents is left alone to fend for himself in his apartment. Eesh is this kid living on saltines and tap water? Usually kids make it out of these type of films but little Tommy gets almost immediately turned into one mean midget hell spawn and takes off after a nearby pregnant resident, Hannah, played by Nancy Brilli. Hannah must have learned some killer self defense maneuvers from her lemas class as she fights the little demon runt with everything she can throw at him including some convenient jars of acids. Who keeps jars of acid in their apartment? She should have thrown one of those tacky 80 neon signs she has hanging up all over her apartment therby riding the world of 2 evils. The midget demon turns into a even more space saver friendly ghoulie monster who is about as scary as animal from the Muppets thus ending up squashed and filleted by the hormonal soon to be mom. Don’t mess with a woman who craves pickles and ice cream at 3 in the morning.

Hannah’s fiance, George is trapped in an elevator with a middle aged hooker when this demon outbreak occurs (and really who hasn’t had this happen?) George goes all Bruce Willis on them and escapes through the elevator shaft using his cunning survival business school training skills to climb out and search for his pregnant wife.

While also this going on upstairs, beef headed workout addicts in the lower levels get in their last reps just before the demons come in to help spot them and rip them a new six pack. Hank “McLarge Huge” the building’s gym instructor, rounds up his workout survivors and through a barrage of constant yelling leads his spandex and speed-o wearing survivors into a last stand in the basement’s parking lot. That just goes to show you that the guy that’s yelling the loudest might not be the smartest one to follow.

I forgot to mention the odd side story of these teenage punks driving around town who crash their car in a minor fender bender. Not sure how it’s related to the demon tenants other than the one guy driving is the jerk ex-boyfriend who never shows up to the party anyways, but it certainly add …well…uh…at least another 10 minutes to the film.

While not quite the enjoyment level of Demons 1, this movie was still a good b-movie experience and of course has the hilarious dubbing and odd monster grunting voice overs like Demons 1 which is always a plus. So grab your friends by the arm and go rent Demons 2. Just don’t forget the DVD and get it accidentally switched with your kids copy of Thomas the Tank Engine. Oh wait that never happened to me before.


Keep an eye out for…

– midget demons kids
– canine companions from the underworld
– extreme building rappelling
– death by gym equipment
– rabid muppets
– speedo-fu
– death by tanning
– overly interactive TV
– lots of demon goo
– spontaneous demon generation
– gratuitous singing of the birthday song

Joe: [to his friends, upon finding a hideous, lethal supernatural creature lying dormant in a dark spooky alley] “There’s no danger!”

rated 7.8 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Demons 2

Oct

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Monster in the Closet

“Honey, can we just cuddle tonight, I’ve got a headache.”

In Pixar Animation’s Monsters Inc. we learned that monsters emerge from closets to scare children and harvest their screams to power their monster city. They’re giant cuddly teddy bears with fangs who are afraid of children touching them and have complex social problems. When did we neuter the classic movie monster like this? If it was a real horror movie the big blue monster would have eaten the kid while she slept, burped up a shoe and picked his teeth with her hair clip..movie over. Unfortunately Monsters in the Closet doesn’t help monsters regain any sort of dignity.

Richard “Don’t call me Superman” Clark is a mild manner reporter who is put on the case of some mysterious deaths in a nearby small town. Some people were found dead in their closets (apparent death by over accessorizing.) The brutal yet offscreen carnage of a blind man, his dog and a whiny little girl doesn’t really catch the newspaper’s attention so the newspaper owner sends in Richard Clark as a joke to cover the story. Dick meets Diane, a biology teacher at Chestnut Hills College. We assume she’s a professor only due to the fact that she wears a lab coat and has glasses. She’s otherwise passable as an airhead super model who has random blackouts in middle of conversations. Diane has a far out theory that the victims are being killed by a snake-like creature that travels from closet to closet across the town. Along with another scientist, Dr Phillip Pennyworth who has a strong resemblance to a hung-over Einstein and a PETA lovin’ preacher, they decide to hunt down the creature and stop it’s closet killing rampage. Dr. Pennyworth thinks that he can communicate with the monster via repetitive and annoying xylophone playing but that only ends with the monster punching out his heart. Isn’t that the same way Einstein died?

An extremely ineffective branch of the army is brought in to throw every missile and bullet they can at the monster. The same army used in most Godzilla films who can’t seem to aim worth a darn. When nothing works, the army hightails it back to barracks and orders a city wide evacuation. A bit over-reactive along with the news casters claiming the end of the world is upon them.

Diana and Dick stay behind in town to try to electrocute the monster with a giant metal hot plate. See Dick Die…Die Dick Die!!! But there’s no accidental electrocution of Richard or monster munching on his useless brain stem. Instead he lures the monster into the trap with a chocolate bar. A bold move and a big sacrifice for Richard since he’s compulsively eating chocolate bars all day. The guy should be 300 pounds with acne the way he packs away the junk food.

Of course the hot plate fails as well as a hastily home-made laser beam built by Diane’s genius son who also nearly gets kidnapped by the monster while at the elementary school. Sure the kid can build a laser gun but can’t avoid a slow moving guy in a giant rubber monster suit. This is why nerds don’t play sports.

When it looks like everyone is going to become a midnight snack the monster suddenly falls in love with Richard and carries him away! WHAT?!! the monster is gay? of course, hence the movie title!! with no monster pride parade for it to march in, It tries to escape with it’s new kidnapped boyfriend via closets around the town but residence have already started burning them or chopping them up with axes. Richard is also incapable of breaking the monsters grasps as he continues to faint everytime he wakes up. Major wuss.

I can only recommend this movie based on its pure cheese-factor. You won’t be scared and you’ll end up hoping the monster wipes out this even more dumbed down human race. Be warned it’s rated PG yet had some accidental full frontal nudity of a blond bimbo in an early shower scene? Oops Apparently the ratings board was still smoking weed in the early 80’s and missed that little scene. Though I’m sure the 12 year olds that couldn’t get into Porky’s Revenge at the theater appreciated the camera mishap.


Keep an eye out for…

– the ancient Chinese xylophone torture method
– slimeball news reporters in light blue leisure suits
– Clark Kent look-a-likes addicted to chocolate bars
– German Shepard suicides
– monsters coming out of the closet.
– walkthrough electric hot plates
– extreme closet makeovers
– toy bugle monster calling

“Please destroy all your closets! though you may want to take the clothes out first.”

rated 6.8 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Monster in the Closet

Sep

posted by admin | September 28, 2007 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Comedy, Sci-Fi

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StarCrash

“Why would someone put the toilet in the middle of the living room?”

I’ve endured the pain of Gymkata, suffered the Nilbog torture of Troll 2, suffered the tons of farm manure shoveled out by Manos the Hands of Fate. But I could never wish the deep hurting that the movie Starcrash rained down on me. Like getting hit in the gut with a sledge hammer just before you’re pushed off a cliff into a pit of rusted Cadillacs, this movie will make you beg for the excitement of waiting in line at a bank or watching c-span after downing a bottle of Benadryl. I am still suffering post traumatic shock disorder from this movie. I close my eyes and still see the people swimming in space.

Stella Star is a space smuggler super model with a fetish for wearing black leather space bikini’s when fighting evil. Her Playboy profile would read something like “enjoys longs swims in outerspace, prefers men that are bulky robots, turns offs are evil minions, cavemen, PMS-ing giant robot women, and snow.”

I would try to summarize a plot to this film but as far as I could tell there really wasn’t one. It would have just gotten in the way anyways. Stella along with her faithful robot companion Akton, named after a failed diet plan, are fleeing the space police in their goofy looking space cruiser. Maybe they’re just out to replace the giant Christmas bulbs that makeup the background space scenes. Akton has the uncanny ability to make Pink Floyd light shows in his hand for his own amusement and can even see into the near future but most of the time it’s seemingly random irrelevant information. It would be like having the ability of predicting what’s for dinner or when the mail is coming. Not exactly hero worthy.

Stella ends up on a prison planet hauling giant glowing beach balls while working out in her favorite bikini. The beach balls are supposedly powering the prison though they should have just harvested the power of the various perms adorning the actors throughout the film. It’s a little known fact that perms were a major power source in the 1970’s. Each strain of hair is a elaborate network of solar cells creating a vast network of….oh wait I’m having another Starcrash flashback.

Stella escapes and with her other robot boy-toy Elle, who looks to have been hastily assembled with used pinball machine parts and a free-range oven. They decide to explore an ice planet together when their ship is sabotaged by a green Spock wanna-be so they end up frozen like cryogenic TV dinners. But Elle holds Stella’s hand and miraculously that keeps her all warm and fuzzy inside preserved like a galactic pop-tart.

The movie could end right there but unfortunately they are thawed later back on the ship with only a hint of freezer burn. On yet another planet they battle against a giant nippled girl robot who looks liked it was hastily put together by a 9 year old kid with a roll of tinfoil and duct tape. They’re also attacked by some wild woman of Womba who fall down easily via a standard karate chop to the neck. This just happens to be a the only defense move Stella has so they easily escape. Suddenly Christopher Plummer shows up as the galactic emperor and freezes time. What the heck is Christopher Plummer doing in this movie anyways? He must have had some mob debts to pay off.

They finally get the help of a prince played by David Hasselhoff before his Knight Ridder days and before he didn’t need to suck in his gut for Baywatch sand running. David helps fight off attacking cavemen with a mask that shoots powerful laser beams out it’s eye holes. David is relegated to the backup hero role while Akton fights off robots with a light saber or to be constantly out acted by his permed hair

There’s also an evil Count Zartan based loosely on Darth Vadar, if Darth Vadar was a small creepy bipolar Latino with greased pointy hair who can’t stop yelling “KILL THEM!!!” Count Zartan intends to take over the universe via a super secret weapon that drives people insane from giant lava lamps special effects. He accomplishes this all from his fortress of kung-fu grip which is shaped like a giant hand. I was almost expecting the fortress to flip me the finger but that probably would have blown the rest of the $6.00 budget.

There’s a big space battle royal with lots of looping film footage and firework explosions. In case you never seen a spaceship launch before, the director is more than happy to show it you a dozen or so times over and over again. Laser blasts a pletny, model kits on fire, light saber duals and poorly balanced robot guards round out the film. And just when you think you’ve seen it all you geet torpedoes packed with imperial soldiers launched at the evil count’s base ship! A failed military tactic if I ever saw one.

Really this movie has to be seen to be believed. Definitely entertaining and purely awful. A so bad it’s good experience like fizz candy and Coca -Cola mixed together. Sure you’ll get a sugar buzz out of it but your stomach might explode.

Keep an eye out for…
– attack by lava lamp
– space swimming
– giant radium gumballs
– Hasselhoff hair
– giant robot nipples
– torpedoes stuffed with soldiers (wtih a side of salsa)
– redneck robots built like a GE oven.
– Christmas tree lights based galaxies
– Spaceships made of old model kit parts and household utensils

“Please Don’t Hassel the Hoff!”

rated 8.0 out of 10 for the movie

Check out this clip from Starcrash

Sep

posted by admin | September 18, 2007 | 70's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Cult Film, Cult movies, Uncategorized

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Gone in 60 Seconds

“If stealing cars doesn’t work out, I plan to convert this place into an AppleBee’s”

I learned to drive a stick on my 69 Camaro back in the late 80’s. I was 16 and felt indestructible but really had no business being behind the wheel of such a fine tuned performance machine. Luckily my Dad trusted me that I wouldn’t wrap the bumper around a tree and took me out on a back road for some driving lessons in humility. This was so just woodland creatures could point and laugh. I stalled and stopped quite a few times before getting that engine to actually push the car down the road. Once I did, I realized the thrill of a driving a street machine so I was hooked and never looked back. But my how times have changed, now I drive a mini-van and attend PTA meetings. So soccer mom’s best watch out for the mini-van man cruiser.

Vickinski certainly didn’t need driving lessons in gone in 60 Seconds. This original 40 minute chase extravaganzas with 58 minutes of horrible b-movie schlock padding. Vickinski is a professional car thief played by the multi talent H.B. Halicki. HB directed, produced, wrote, distributed and starred in this giant ad for effective car collision insurance. I think he even did the catering. The deal is his team of car thieves have to steal 46 cars for some insurance scams, one of which is a 1973 Mustang Mach 1, which they’ve codenamed Eleanor. Eleanor seemed to be all around town though. The city apparently has more Yellow 73 mustangs per capita than any other city in the world. They’re standard issued to people like the Peter Frampton Comes Alive album.

So Vickinski gets multiple chances to steal the mean muscle machine and eventually succeeds but somehow forgets to disable it’s car alarm. So the cops with their superior observation skills start chasing him…and chasing him…and oh yeah more chasing. Hundred’s of cars are trashed, crashed, and burned. Lawsuits are being filed everywhere. The Mustang takes quite a beating as well but keeps on going like an Energizer bunny on crack. If Ford Motors built cars like that today maybe they wouldn’t be begging on the street for spare change.

It’s funny seeing the pedestrians standing around in the film as they’re obviously there to just to watch a movie getting filmed. Especially look the big jump finale for a huge crowd on the hillside. Did they pay for tickets to that event? I guess the director wants us to believe large groups of people congregate randomly near highways for potential traffic accidents.

This was a great film if you can endure the first half of porn-actor quality acting and constant Polish ethnic slandering but as soon as that Mustang revs it’s engine, get ready for a ride.

Keep an eye out for…
– chop shop wall-o-porn
– gratuitous use of polish slurs
– road-sweeper sized sideburns
– car crusher kung-fu
– towed! in 60 seconds
– the fast and the frizzy hairstyles
– boat sized pimp cars
– flour bag o-rama

“The hair-do’s in this movies were so large that the actors looked like frizzy oranges on toothpicks.”

rated 8.1 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Gone in 60 Seconds

Sep

posted by admin | September 12, 2007 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Cult Film, Cult films, Cult movies, Kung-fu

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Big Trouble in Little China

“Oh no… not another one of my gas attacks.”

Why do my fortune cookies always give me such vague predictions. “You will enjoy prosperity and good health.” Uh… okay when? It might as well say “You will have breakfast and you will be full and enjoy a brisk walk to the front door from your car.” Let’s get some specifics. How about…”avoid pork on Wednesday or it will give you botulism” or “Don’t go hiking on Saturday with granola bars in your pocket or you will be mauled by a bear” But nooo…I only get to know that my lucky numbers are 6-23-56-7. Not even enough numbers for a Lotto ticket.

Kurt Russel should have read his fortune cookie a little closer. “Avoid lawyers who look like Kim Cattrall and green eyed Chinese woman. Go home and take a nap.” But Kurt’s Character Jack Burton, just can’t help finding Big Trouble in Little China. Jack and his friend Wang Lee are at the airport to pickup Wang’s green eye girlfriend only to end up getting her and a couple of other ladies kidnapped by a local gang of sunglass wearing crip gang wanna-be’s. So much for Jack’s introductory demonstrations of heroics. Later they attempt track them down while driving the narrow streets of San Francisco in Jacks’ Giant Pork Chop Express Semi Truck. Not exactly being stealthy, they stumble upon an impromptu Chinese street war. Safe in the confines of the truck they watch the live kung-fu show as if only missing their buckets of popcorn and some gum on the floor.

Suddenly some supernatural powered fighting masters appear out of sky like rejects from Mortal Kombat and start unleashing their own Wang-chung style of justice. Dressed in oversize baskets hats from Pier One Imports, these demon gods can shoot electricity from their finger tips, spin claws of death at their enemy, and fly through the air via some not so well hidden special f/x wires. There’s also the head demon, Lopan who turns out to be the ghost of a living old guy waiting in an underground temple for a green eye Chinese girl that he can sacrifice. Then he can become mortal again and rule the world through a series glowing sword rituals. Confused yet? Don’t worry because Jack is just as confused, probably even more so but that won’t stop him from attempting to kick some supernatural butt.

Jack realizes his hero limitations yet again when he loses his truck to the street gang and is momentarily blinded by Lopan’s secret eyes on high-beam defense move. Man this guy can’t keep track of anything. Finally coming to their senses he and Wang enlist a small army of yellow bandanna wearing martial art experts and a local tour bus driver/alchemist named Egg “overeasy” Shento to find the girls and more importantly help Jack find his truck. They travel to the underworld via a conveniently place firepole and encounter a variety of monstrous roadblocks along the way including a rabid Orangutang, a floating orb of eyeballs, and the black blood of the earth (big clue.. it ain’t oil.)

Jack and Wang spend a lot of time blindfolded and stuck in wheel chairs conversing with an extremely geriatric senior center escapee or having to hold their breath for a variety of underwater magic escapes. Eventually there’s a big battle-royal in the underground temple ala 80’s neon style resulting in lots of aerial sword play, gun fire, and explosive stone throwing. Can Jack and Wang escape the evil clutches of Lopan, save the girls, and find Jack’s beloved truck? Will Kim Cattrall survive to make movies like Mannequin and City Limits?

This is definitely one of John Carpenter’s greatest cult films. Even if it’s been a while since you’ve seen it, you’ll definitely enjoy checking it out again. It really holds up to the test of time just like that box of Chinese takeout still in your fridge.

Keep an eye out for…
– impromptu kung-fu street brawls
– gang members in ridiculous sunglasses
– handicap accessible ancient underground temples
– Buddha vandalisms
– giant rabid monkeys
– floating eyeball spheres
– explosive weight gain 2000
– static electric kung-fu
– glowing old guys stuck in wheelchairs
– firepoles to netherworlds
– Chinese buffets with $1.99 all you can eat specials

“I have a black belt in feng-shui! Stop your evil ways or I will arrange you furniture to achieve harmony with the environment!”

rated 9.3 out of 10 for the movie

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Check out the trailer for Big Trouble in Little China

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