Archive for the 'B-movies' Category

Jul

Comments Off on DeepStar Six

Deepstar Six

“Dead Lobster, For the sea food killer in you”

I think the most prevalent signs of the apocalypse happened back in the 80’s. Reganomics, the band Wham!, and the sudden occurrence of a multitude of underwater monster movies including the Abyss, Leviathan, and this seafood disaster called DeepStar Six.

Greg Evigan plays “no first name” McBride, a scraggly lumber jack navy pilot waiting to get out from deep sea duty to return topside for some well deserved McRest. Yes the same Greg Evigan from the horrifying tv show “My Two Dads.” I believe that show was canceled right after “Alf” thankfully.

McBride is a part of a group of underwater military rejects including a Amish looking porn peddler, a Russian scientist cranked up on Red Bulls, and resident scientist babe Nia Peebles who appears to have stumbled onto the wrong movie set by accident.

The story revolves around a poorly planned deep sea missile base the underwater team is supposed to setup on the sea floor but discover an ancient cavern instead. In the tradition of other film’s underwater caverns you always get a malevolent mutant sea creature thrown in for free. So get your bibs and shell hammers ready because there’s not enough butter to stop this lobster mutant.

The crazy crustacean attacks submarines, swims faster than a missile and infiltrates the DeepStar Six base via chomping on canned spam victims and a quick snack of Ms. fruity Peebles. The remaining survivors, which unfortunately includes Mr. Evigan, load up on their stock piles of shotguns and co2 tipped spears to take on Mr. Crabs now blocking their way to freedom.

A lot of the characters are cheaply killed off through a series of accidents mostly due to a weasely character named Snyder who trips into people with co2 canister tipped spears and accidentally detonates nearby nuclear bombs. Snyder freaks out and tries to get to the surface in an emergency escape pod before he should properly decompress….
pop goes the weasel.

The remaining survivors must battle the monster while figuring out a way to escape to the surface before the base has it’s own nuclear meltdown or they run out of air. Can the movie budget handle all of this?

This film wasn’t as great as I remember when I saw it in my local theater as a teenager. With very little plot and gallons of of water, it’s directed by the same guy that brought us Friday the 13th so I had hopes that a hockey masked scuba diver would arrive on a submarine and clean house. That would have made the movie more interesting and maybe now I wouldn’t have such a craving for buttery lobster. I say check it out and order a side of shrimp.

Keep an eye out for…
– underwater door crushing
– scuba diver chomping
– 2 accidental underwater nuclear explosions
– death by jiffy-pop de-compression
– emergency CPR (Crustacean Pulminary Resuscitation)
– pool party strobe lights
– lobster harpooning
– explosive c02 spear to the chest

“This movie defines deep sea doodie”

rated 6.7 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out this riveting clip from DeepStar Six. Snyder’s response at the end is priceless.

Jul

posted by admin | July 15, 2007 | Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Cult films, Kung-fu, Uncategorized

Comments Off on District B13

District B13

“The French apparently lack our fine skills in parallel parking.”

If Gymkata had a bigger budget, a real plot, and people with actual gymnastic/karate skills and you mixed it all together in a giant French blender you’d get District B13. Not since Circus De Soleil have I seen so many French men jumping through hoops and swinging on ropes.

It’s the far distant future of 2010(?) Paris has isolated off the criminal ridden parts of the city with a giant wall armed to the teeth with police and machine guns. This is to prevent anyone from crossing the border that might not like Jerry Lewis or isn’t wearing a beret and carrying a baguette. The French can be so snobby that way.

David “don’t call me Tinker” Belle plays Leito, a drug dealer who crosses the line when he destroys a Sam Wholesale size supply of heroine that belongs to a district’s crime lord. Leito must have downed a dozen Jolt colas before breakfast as he escapes the hit squad in a dazzling display of jumping through windows, scaling down the sides of buildings, leaping across roofs and jumping over moving cars… all the while keeping his hair looking perfect.

Unfortunately Leito gets double crossed by the local authorities when he tries to turn the drug dealers in at the border. Thrown into a jail transport he unwittingly joins up with an undercover cop, another acrobatic French Kung-fu expert named Damien Tomaso. “Pasta” Leito and “The Sauce” Tomaso now their own action team plot together to rescue Leito’s sister who is held captive by the drug thugs back in District B13. They also need stop a neutron bomb from killing millions of people along the way if they run out of things to do.

The action is intense with more kicks and jumps and groin smashes that would even make Jackie Chan winded. Definitely check it out and Don’t forget to uncork a fine bottle of wine. It helps make the bad French dubbing more bearable.

Keep an eye out for…

– French Vin Diesels in Don Ho shirts
– Brautsworth broiling
– Fast and the Furious casting rejects
– street thug bunk beds
– impromptu street gymnastic routines
– chained 7 ft tall amish wrestlers
– balding juan valdez gangsters

“b5, b23, b13…viva la bingo!”

rated 8.3 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for District B13

Jul

Comments Off on My Science Project

My Science Project

“Alien technology that can teleport crap from the Pottery Barn freaks me out too.”

Back in high school I had a science project where a clock would run off a potato. At the time I thought that was pretty impressive. If only I knew then how to alter the fabric of the time space continuum through advanced spud technology. Maybe then I would have beaten that kid with the ketchup volcano. But is science really ready for the dark secrets the potato holds? I think not.

In the movie “my science project” the school’s best grease monkey Michael (John Stockwell) has a similar problem except his science project is a genuine working alien time machine. Not actually building it himself (cheater) he instead finds it in an abandoned military base with his new found geek girlfriend played by Danielle von Zerneck. She’s a geek because she wears giant glasses according to the guide to creating 80’s stereotypes for movies.Michael doesn’t get the extra credit he hopes for when the time machine suddenly absorbs their hippy science teacher played by Dennis Hopper via a failed battery jump. The time machine, now feeding off an electric outlet starts warping in artifacts from the past like an extreme episode of Antique Road Show and Michael has to stop it from destroying the fabric of time and space. All this before Magnum P.I. starts.

Apparently electricity is really slow so it gives Michael just enough time to race the bolt of electric current out of town in his supercharged GTO and rig up a series of elaborate explosives to a utility tower. Mike’s Buddy,Vince, who fits the role of Italian greaser nicely, helps him rob a store for the explosives and helps get them arrested. Soon they have to infiltrate the high school which is now over run with gladiators, dinosaurs, and other football player mascot wanna-be’s to help save his girlfriend from a fate of permanent home room detention.

The movie is pure 80’s cheese but an enjoyable trip back in time. Remember to pack your leg warmers and bring some extra hairspray when traveling time warps and look out for stoned hippie cowboys on the way out. Oh and bring a potato.

Keep an eye out for…
– Spencer Gift Shop $20 electro-globes
– ancient wookie attack
– T-Rex seeking rocket launchers
– storm trooper vandals
– Dennis Hopper Hysterics
– apocalyptic mutant attack
– muscle cars that can exceed the speed of light
– grease monkey and nerd co-op teams
– Good Fellas extras reject

Why does Dennis Hopper always play a crazed hippy?

rated 8.2 out of 10 for the movie Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out a scene from My Science Project

Jun

posted by admin | June 24, 2007 | Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Cult Film, Cult films

Comments Off on Vanishing Point

Vanishing Point

“Just for kicks I like to put one of these down my pants.”

Finally a break from the horror marathon that I’ve been on the past few months. Vanishing Point is a return to the cult 1970’s car chases where vehicles got 12 miles to the gallon, everyone had perms, and girls rode around on motorcycles naked. Well maybe not that last one so much. Vanishing Point was the inspiration for Tarantino’s Death Proof which was a part of the double feature Grindhouse film and you can definitely see the influence. Though I think Tarantino made a better film.

Barry Newman plays our reluctant hero Kowalski, a man with a deep past, no first name, and a need for speed. Apparently no longer king of a sausage empire, Kowalski is actually a former race car driver now hooked on narcotics and working for a car delivery service. He has little regard for the car’s condition once they arrive so he drives them like they’re a Hertz rental car. The thin plot revolves around him making a bet with the local pimp that he can get a 70′ Dodge Challenger from Colorado to California in less than 15 hours. I say to always put your money on the pimp, they know how to play the odds.

The cops who have all the competence of the police force from the Dukes of Hazard , attempt to stop Kowalski from his speed infractions and non-signaled lane changes. This mostly consists of following his dust trail and cursing loudly but it’s a nice break from their decisions over glazed or sprinkled doughnuts.

Meanwhile in a desolate Arizona town where nobody apparently speaks, the only blind black DJ who plays R&B music learns of the epic car chase on his police band radio. As the entire Arizona police force chase our hero through the desert, “SuperSoul” (not his real DJ name) tries to talk to Kowalski through his radio broadcasts and through his SuperSoul Psychic Connection tm

Kowalski takes a shortcut off the main road encountering a snake catching prospector who helps him hide his vehicle from the police helicopters. The old man, who sounds a bit like Yosemite Sam, gives him some vague directions on how to actually get back onto the highway where our hero faces the choice of jail or forced construction labor. All these headaches could have been avoided with a planned route with Google maps.

Vanishing point has some decent car chase sequences and a naked girl on a motorcycle but overall it’s somewhat of a snoozer. I would advise watching Grindhouse instead. You’ll see the same great Dodge Challenger in some much better racing sequences and with some much prettier ladies driving it. Barry Newman sure makes an ugly girl with his 70’s perm.

Keep an eye out for…
– race car drivers with bad perms cranked on speed
– pipecleaner shaped naked girls on motorcycles
– jive takin’ blind psychic DJ’s
– death by highway construction
– gratuitous use of flashback sequences
– imprompto desert music festivals
– heat stroked snake catchers
– hippies on mopeds

SuperSoul…now with 40% more soul cleansing power.

rated 7.2 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Vanishing Point

Jun

Comments Off on Demons

Demon

“I don’t know which hurts more…being eaten by a demon or you twisting my nipples like that.”

Dario Argento the Italian master of horror wrote this little 80’s gem of terror. Yes the same man responsible for movies with underwater zombie/shark fight scenes and close up eye gougings.

Cheryl (Natasha Hovey) is your typical American girl living in the big American city (which appears to be West Berlin but whose nit picking?) On her way home from her communist rally she is stalked by a chromed masked guy in break dancin’ parachute pants who is giving away some free movie tickets. This stalker-marketing approach seems to work as she asks for another ticket for her equally dim-witted big haired friend-Hannah (Fiore Argento.)

That night at the theater opening, a big frizzy haired workers dressed like a giant leprechaun works the ticket booth and patrol the audience with her annoying flashlight. Among the small audience there’s a blind man and his seeing-eye girlfriend whose job it is to explain what’s happening in the film. She also likes to sneak away to make out with the greasy stranger in the back of the theater. There’s also a pimp and a couple of his employees taking a break from a long day at work. I knew he was a pimp from his disco leisure suit and the giant satellite sized gold medallion around his neck.

While at the theater Cheryl and her friend encounter a couple yuppies in polo shirts and tennis sweaters just fresh from shooting their docker pants commercials. Anyone that wears a sweater wrapped around their neck deserve a demon attack. The movie-within-the movie begins and has some teens motor-crossing across some ancient ruins eventually encountering a burial mask that turns them into a pointy teethed demon creatures. While seeing this on screen one of the theater patrons also transforms into a drooling demon and goes on a carnivorous rampage turning other theater patrons into monsters via some vicious neck slashing, eye gougings (of course) and impromoto lynchings. The survivors try to flee only to find an apparently fast contractor built a wall over the exits trapping them in so they instead barricade themselves on the balcony hoping for a rescue.

Meanwhile in what seems and entirely separate film, some coke snorting cola drinking Billy Idol fans are cruising the streets in on of their mom’s station wagon. Exchanging witty banter and eluding the cops through a series of carefully signaled right turns, they break into the now demon possessed theater. But unfortunately they get turned into demons themselves….so not really much of a character change for them. The movie continues into a cat and mouse chase ending with a helicopter crash. Yeah I was confused too.

What is the mystery of the creepy theater? Who will survive the night? Why do movie snacks cost more than the tickets? How many times did I mention the word “demons” in this review? All these questions and more are answered in “Demons.” This is one of few “Italian made, English dubbed, movies filmed in West Berlin that is supposed to be an American city” movies that I’ve enjoyed, so I say check it out and always be sure to check your pimps and ho’s for demon scratches.

Keep an eye out for…

– ticket scalping Phantom of the Opera rejects
– bald pimps in white leisure suits
– face scratching Halloweens props
– motorcycling samauri lobby displays
– illegal use of Billy Idol music in a station wagon
– eye gouging, neck scratching, leg chewin’, finger choppin’ demon party animals
– the handy-dandy Ginsu demon slicer

If gold medallions are a sign of being a pimp would Mr. T be the king of all pimps? I pity da pimps.

rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Demons

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>