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The Stuff

“When good smores go bad….real bad.”

How intelligent can snack food get? I often pondered this question while staring blankly into my nearly empty refrigerator late at night. A small cup of vanilla pudding mockingly stares back at me as the only remaining item that’s edible. Fortunately not only is vanilla pudding delicious and packed with sugar, it’s also not an alien life form that oozed up from the earth’s center to take over my mind…. or is that just what the pudding wants me to think?

In “The Stuff”people aren’t so lucky to have passive desert snacks. Instead some backwoods hillsman decided to taste something he sees bubbling up from the ground…because when you can’t identify something it’s always a good idea to taste it! Before you can say mass marketing, the yogurt like substance is on every shelf and in every refrigerator in America and appearing in lots of bad 80’s commercials.

Not everyone is not hooked on it though. Our pint size protagonists, Jason, in the obligatory “annoying kid who can’t get killed” role first realizes the sinister nature of the snack when he sees it crawling in the fridge. His family is hooked on The Stuff trying to get him to join their new diet plan but Jason thinks fast and fools them by eating some shaving cream instead. Jason is really the McGuiver of his time. Meanwhile A coalition of ice cream executives decide to hire an industrial spy, David “Mo” Rutherford…where the Mo stands for “needs mo acting lessons.” David’s southern charms his way into the corporate headquarters of the Stuff to try to find out how it’s made. Things are not as they appear though. The townsfolks are always eating cups of The stuff, have apparent gastoral problems and constantly spray yogurt out of their faces. That eventually makes David a tad suspicious. The laid back way Dave just matter-of-factly reacts to the horrifying events around him is pretty hilarious to watch. It’s like southern charm and witty southern banter are his only defense.

We also have some militia army guys hiding out in an abandoned renaissance festival castle just itching for the opportunity to fight vicious snack-food. David and his girlfriend enlist them to help fight “the Stuffies” and let the rest of the world know the truth. but as you well know fighting alien yogurt with bullets is like trying to nail jello to a tree.

There’s a special cameo of The Chocolate Chip Cookie King who steels the show among the various annoying standout characters most of which we find out have creamy nugget centers and there’s lots of blob-like marshmallowy evilness trying to stop our heroes fight to save humanity. All in all, a fun time so I’d say check it out. You really can’t make attacking yogurt very scary, but you can often make it hilarious.

Keep an eye out for…
– human smores
– way too southern southerners
– toasting marshmallows with no campfires
– grocery market snackfood vandals
– attack of the albino blob
– the ice cream mafia
– the evil land of dairy queen…a gravel pit of non-fat yogurt
– shaving cream eating
– The Chocolate Chip cookie King

“Come ‘n listen to my story ’bout a man named Jed
A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed
And then one day, he was shootin’ at some fools
And up through the ground come a bubblin’ food.
The Stuff that is. alien yogurt, evil ice cream

rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at

Check out the trailer for The Stuff


Comments Off on The Toxic Avenger

toxic avenger

“I hope my car rental insurance covers this.”

Take note geeks on love patrol, if you want to get the ladies you simply need to wear a pink tu-tu and accidentally fall into a barrel of toxic waste thereby become hideously deformed. It will give you super hero strength, motivate you to fight evil, and change your voice to a someone who sounds like they should do Viagra commercial. This is what our leading man Melvin, the soon to be Toxic Avenger, demonstrates to his helpless viewing audience.

Melvin , a local mop boy nerd, works at the Tromaville Health club where all the brain vacuous jocks and bimbos like to hang and out collect new community diseases in the jacuzzi. A group of these dumb teens decide to play a prank on extreme-nerd Melvin which causes him to jump through a window landing in a passing by truck of toxic waste. And as all us comic book geeks know toxic waste gives you super powers.

Melvin turns into the Toxic Avenger…look out Batman and Superman…Toxic avenger has unregulated EPA laws on his side. Eesh at least Aquaman could control fish with his mind. Toxie is inexplicably drawn to fighting evil and starts his crusade to literally mop up the town (leaving behind a mop on each of his criminal victims…. and the fresh scent of pine.)

The victims range from cross dressing muggers to gun touting pro wrestling rejects which Toxie equally serves up like a fast food value pack. After beating a criminal with his own arm Toxie’s tender side is revealed when he finds love in a blind girl (dumb, blonde, and blind..a toxic mutant’s perfect soul mate). She decides to move in with toxie, they make passionate toxie love, she redecorates, throws away his cool stuff then forces him to go camping. Pretty typical relationship stuff.

Toxie is a busy guy though with his own revenge hit list as he systematically wipes out the kids who made fun of him at night while his day job is being a good samaritan mutant helping grandmas cross the street and opening jars for limp wristed town folk. I could see politics in the future for the Toxic Avenger with that sort of mass appeal. Overall a great introduction the movies of Troma Entertainment where if it ain’t weird and degrading then it ain’t on film. So check it out now and decontaminate your DVD player later.

Troma Films…..aren’t those the same guys making a movie about a zombie chicken?

Keep an eye out for…
– man beaten with his own arm
– deep fried finger food
– biker road kill
– toxic redneck haulers
– pink poka-dotted tu-tu’s
– charcoal roasting
– toxic home decoration tips
– sundae ala mode bad guys
– defective gym equipment
– blind girls with extreme guide cane collections
– midget dry cleaning
– braille mirrors
– bikini camping

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at

Check out the trailer for The Toxic Avenger


posted by admin | May 25, 2007 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies

Comments Off on Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers

Sleepaway Camp 2

“Camp nurses….remember this is what happens when nose bleeds go untreated.”

Angela is back. This time she’s a camp counselor. Previously murdering a dozen teens, years of therapy, and a sex change operation apparently gave her/he an excellent resume for working with kids at Camp Rolling Hills. Pamela Springsteen (yes that’s Bruce Springsteen’s little sister) plays the happy psychopath who kills anyone that mildly irritates her moral sensibility. She’s like a menopausal June Cleaver with a hatchet. She also likes to plays guitar about as bad as she can act.

Angela wants everyone to have fun and follow her rules and if you don’t you get “sent home.” “Sent home” is murder slang for “viciously killed and getting propped up in a creepy shed like a redneck taxidermy display” Not Even Brian Clarke’s huge mullet hair can stop the carnage nor does it shield him from battery acid.

The body count is higher in this one compared to it’s prequel and it appears that everyone that has a line in this movie is killed off even people that wandered onto the set had to be killed, key grips…dead, caterers…dead..,writers, producers, sound editors…all killed. Eeesh even Jason paced himself with his kills. the film is by no means scary, you’d be advised to rent Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants for more frights than this campy camp slasher. If you dare attempt to endure this movie you’ll never look at outhouses the same again.

Keep an eye out for…
– log beatings
– tongue chopping
– head drilling
– teen roasting
– battery acid to the face
– decapitation
– death by chainsaw
– death by Freddy glove
– death by guitar
– death by outhouse
– loosing your will to live from the happy camper song

“Ooooh, I’m a happy camper, I love the summer sun. I love the trees and forest, I’m always having fun! ” -Angela the happy killer

rated 2.9 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at

Check out the trailer from Sleepaway Camp II (warning this trailer is rated R)


Comments Off on A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

Nightmare on Elm St. 4: The Dream Master

“This is why I use SPF 500…3rd degree sun burns are a killer.”

Freddy Krueger, the definitive horror icon of the 80’s. Nothing strikes more fear into teens than a pizza faced wise ass with hand covered cutlery who kills them in their dreams. Say what you will, Freddy was a fashion ground breaker with his k-mart special green and red sweater and Indiana Jones fedora hat. Hey, at least they didn’t make him rock the typical 80’s wristbands and Members Only jacket. At the end of part 3 Freddy was buried in and old junk yard with some holy water and a crucifix (standard anti monster equipment everyone should have). You know you can’t keep a cash movie franchise down so this time he’s been resurrected by a dog peeing flames on his grave… that’s nothing he should really brag about.

In this made for MTV style movie nothing is going to stop Freddy from taking out the remaining survivors from the previous Nightmare sequels, even if one of them is played by a totally different actress (Tuesday Knight as Kristen Parker) which threw me off a bit. Freddy quickly cleans house of annoying teenage actors but finally meets his match in the form of Alice the Dream master who has absorbed all the powers of the the previous victims. So I guess that means Alice gets the power of bad acting, YMCA karate lessons, and big hair styling skills.

Freddy wants to use Alice to bring him new victims through her dreams so he can dispose of them in ever increasing weird ways and add more faces to his abs of souls. Case in point a girl who is afraid of bugs gets turned into a giant cockroach and is squished in a roach motel. Apparently Freddy’s out doing it for style and extra bonus points for the most use of puns. This all leads to the final battle that has all the intensity of a luke warm bath between Freddy and the Dream Master.

I saw Nightmare 4 when I was 14 years old and I was a huge Freddy fan boy at the time so this was a great nostalgic trip back to Elm Street. I say check it out and whatever you do…don’t fall asleep…… and don’t eat beef jerky with Oreo cookies..that’ll guarantee you some real nightmares.

Keep an eye out for…

– flame peeing canines
– nurses with bad dental work
– roach motels…you can check in but you can’t check out
– pizza soul food
– the deep end of a waterbed
– Freddy french kisses
– weight lifting spotters that are horribly burned
– the esophogus of souls
– kung-fu freddy
– Freddy in Ray-Bans
– soul collecting….collect them all!

You know you’re not really scary any more when you’re on lunch boxes, t-shirts, and pez dispensers.

rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master


Comments Off on Troll 2

Troll 2

“We have a strict no plaid…no hat…no service policy here in the town of Nilbog.”

Well after seeing what I thought are some of the worse films captured to celluloid, this barrel scraper actually lifts up the barrel to find a scummy underlining of cinematic excrement. It’s legendary among b-movie fans for it’s pure awfulness and it really does exceed it’s reputation. It’s not actually a sequel to Troll 1 as this films contains no story, no acting, and amazingly no trolls! There are however midgets dressed in cheesy goblin masks prancing through the woods and eating people they turned into green goo. This Italian directed American horror film is so bad it’s like it’s some sort of weird alternate universe of movies where actors have only 3 emotional responses…. dull, apathetic, or wooden. The cast obviously needed to get back to their day jobs at Arby’s.

It starts with the world’s dumbest family who decide a neat vacation would be to switch houses for the summer with a farmhouse family. “No Dad we don’t want to go to Disney world…let’s go stay on a farm instead!” They travel to a town called NILBOG. Yes they named it NILBOG…the creative writers really burned out a few brain cells coming up with that unique name.

The family’s creepy kid Josh, played by Michael Stephson, sweats and grimaces like he’s constipated. He hallucinates that he’s turning into a tree or sees the floating head of his dead grandfather who warns him of the evil that lurks in NILBOG. Josh tries to warn his parents of the goblin threat through constant whining and some food urination but that surprisingly doesn’t get him very far. Also making her debut is the popcorn goblin queen Creedence played by Deborah Reed. Her acting style can best be described as excruciating and her overacted monologues would make William Shatner jealous. Along for the ride is Josh’s sister who can only be calmed by a round of singing “row row row your boat”, a song the mom “likes so well.” She must be on the same medication as her constipated son. The Dad just drives the car and threatens his children with food strikes if they don’t shape up which is an effective if not weird form of punishment. There’s also a gang of annoying teens that camp nearby in a big old RV . This is convenient for the dim witted yet still much smarter goblins who end up turning them into walking salad bars. I never knew goblins hated meat before I saw this movie and I still don’t I care.

I really can’t you give you much of an overview of the plot. There really wasn’t one. Maybe you can find it along with an actual troll. I consider this required viewing for b-movie enthusiasts but be prepared for some deep hurting. May I suggest downloading the rifftrax by MST3K Michael J. Nelson to make this movie much more bearable and even more hilarious. So check it out and “Be afraid be twice as afraid!”

Keep an eye out for…

– popcorn lovin’ goblin queens
– floating talking heads of dead relatives
– row-row-your-boat of terror
– pale green food topped with green goo..yummy.
– potted teens…and they’re not even high.
– trolls? where are the trolls? I see goblins but no trolls?
– a town named NILBOG? I knew this movie would be a big pile of PARC
– did I just see an evil monkey fart flames and fly into the air?
– demented Ewoks on crack wearing goblin masks
– RV cruising teen geeks
– 9 year old whiny kids with glandular problems.
– Gatoraid sweating
– the double decker bologna sandwich anti-goblin defense
– sheriff Freak…yes that his real name.

“There’re sandwiches for tonight! It’ll go easier on you if you eat’em. Otherwise, we’ll be forced to kill you VIOLENTLY!” -resident goblin

rated 1.4 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at

Check out the trailer for Troll 2

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Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>