Archive for the 'B-movies' Category

May

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Troll 2

“We have a strict no plaid…no hat…no service policy here in the town of Nilbog.”

Well after seeing what I thought are some of the worse films captured to celluloid, this barrel scraper actually lifts up the barrel to find a scummy underlining of cinematic excrement. It’s legendary among b-movie fans for it’s pure awfulness and it really does exceed it’s reputation. It’s not actually a sequel to Troll 1 as this films contains no story, no acting, and amazingly no trolls! There are however midgets dressed in cheesy goblin masks prancing through the woods and eating people they turned into green goo. This Italian directed American horror film is so bad it’s like it’s some sort of weird alternate universe of movies where actors have only 3 emotional responses…. dull, apathetic, or wooden. The cast obviously needed to get back to their day jobs at Arby’s.

It starts with the world’s dumbest family who decide a neat vacation would be to switch houses for the summer with a farmhouse family. “No Dad we don’t want to go to Disney world…let’s go stay on a farm instead!” They travel to a town called NILBOG. Yes they named it NILBOG…the creative writers really burned out a few brain cells coming up with that unique name.

The family’s creepy kid Josh, played by Michael Stephson, sweats and grimaces like he’s constipated. He hallucinates that he’s turning into a tree or sees the floating head of his dead grandfather who warns him of the evil that lurks in NILBOG. Josh tries to warn his parents of the goblin threat through constant whining and some food urination but that surprisingly doesn’t get him very far. Also making her debut is the popcorn goblin queen Creedence played by Deborah Reed. Her acting style can best be described as excruciating and her overacted monologues would make William Shatner jealous. Along for the ride is Josh’s sister who can only be calmed by a round of singing “row row row your boat”, a song the mom “likes so well.” She must be on the same medication as her constipated son. The Dad just drives the car and threatens his children with food strikes if they don’t shape up which is an effective if not weird form of punishment. There’s also a gang of annoying teens that camp nearby in a big old RV . This is convenient for the dim witted yet still much smarter goblins who end up turning them into walking salad bars. I never knew goblins hated meat before I saw this movie and I still don’t I care.

I really can’t you give you much of an overview of the plot. There really wasn’t one. Maybe you can find it along with an actual troll. I consider this required viewing for b-movie enthusiasts but be prepared for some deep hurting. May I suggest downloading the rifftrax by MST3K Michael J. Nelson to make this movie much more bearable and even more hilarious. So check it out and “Be afraid be twice as afraid!”

Keep an eye out for…

– popcorn lovin’ goblin queens
– floating talking heads of dead relatives
– row-row-your-boat of terror
– pale green food topped with green goo..yummy.
– potted teens…and they’re not even high.
– trolls? where are the trolls? I see goblins but no trolls?
– a town named NILBOG? I knew this movie would be a big pile of PARC
– did I just see an evil monkey fart flames and fly into the air?
– demented Ewoks on crack wearing goblin masks
– RV cruising teen geeks
– 9 year old whiny kids with glandular problems.
– Gatoraid sweating
– the double decker bologna sandwich anti-goblin defense
– sheriff Freak…yes that his real name.

“There’re sandwiches for tonight! It’ll go easier on you if you eat’em. Otherwise, we’ll be forced to kill you VIOLENTLY!” -resident goblin

rated 1.4 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Troll 2

Apr

posted by admin | April 30, 2007 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies

Comments Off on Sleepaway Camp

Sleepaway Camp

“Lemon-lime leisure suits…look out ladies!”

I think Jason rightly avoided this campsite when he saw all the ugly kids running down the hill. Even Jason has standards. Sleepaway Camp is another slasher flick that supposedly will disturb and scare you with it’s shock and brutality. I was mostly scared from the bad acting and the tiny man shorts.

The story revolves around this mute girl Angela, and her brother Ricki who are heading to camp Arawak for the summer. Arawak from the Indian translation “crappy movie.” The trip was probably just an excuse for them to get away from their creepy Mary Poppins on crack mom who is a few tacos short of a fiesta platter. Cut to the next scene and it’s is all the kids running down this hill toward the camp like some sort of running of the bulls in Pal bona. The camp is managed by a icky group of old guys and a handful of teen rejects from Welcome back Carter and Fame. (if you don’t know either of those two references you’re too young…and it’s pass your bedtime.)

The kids and counselors start getting picked off in increasing numbers and in even more brutal ways, yet no one never decided to just send the kids home. Safety was never a big concern back in the 80’s. The supposed shocking twist at the end was a little creepy but I figured out the murder before the first body bag so I didn’t get much from it. I’d say check it out it for it’s hilarious acting and the final creepy scene along with a couple of gruesome kills between all the talking.

Keep an eye out for…

– giant corn cookers
– cheesy 80’s cut-off shirts
– downhill kid racing
– water balloon roof tossing
– mute girl tossing
– Phantom Menace George Lucas guest cameo
– canoe tipping
– thin shower walls
– bee wrangling
– snack attacks
– fake cops with fake mustaches

With all that murdering going on you’d think nobody would want to play a game of capture the flag but the fun must go on at camp Arawak!!!

rated 6.4 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out this brief video overview of Sleepaway Camp I put together for your viewing.

Apr

posted by admin | April 23, 2007 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies

Comments Off on Blood Shack

Blood Shack

“Yup sir, in real estate it’s all about location, location, location!”

Blood Shack… no it’s not a hit song by the B52’s but it is a crappy movie that will take away a bit of your soul. I’ve endured the horrors of Gymkata, suffered the Swayze-isms of Roadhouse but I had yet to know such pain as Blood Shack. From the director that brought us such memorable films as “The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and became Mixed Up Zombies!” comes a new level in strange and dull horror. Originally called “The Chooper” but also known in some circles as “Curse of the Evil Spirit”, the film was made for well under $500 putting the “b” back in budget b-movies.

The plot is as nearly as thin as our main flag pole shaped hero, Daniel. He likes to work on his desert landscaping by poking the dirt occasionally with a shovel and moving rocks from one pile to another. Danny-boy also likes striking a pose leaning on his shovel in front of his poorly constructed triple wide trailer….that about sums up his daily routine. Oh he also enjoys mumbling and then suddenly bursting into fits of verbal abuse towards his two grimy kids to break up the monotony. The kids portrayed convincingly by the director’s own children pass the time by playing musical chairs with only a single chair (will the fun ever stop?) They also trying to sneak into the haunted shack next door to jump on the stained matress like a trampoline. A rare film in which furniture actually out acts the cast.

Carolyn Brandt a real b-movie actress who plays herself, inherits the land the shack resides on and is determined to keep it since it has a underground lake. No green grass in sight for miles so you just have to take their word for it. The house is also supposedly haunted by an Indian demon called a Chooper that kills everyone that crosses its threshhold, which up to that time has been just a whiny teenager and a local plump sheriff who practically sweats grease so it’s not exactly legendary. When the terror of the chooper is finally revealed it’s carrying some sort of BBQ sqewer and is wearing what appears to be a bad ninja outfit you’d buy at a halloween store. Oh the horror…please make it stop.

The movie originally was only about 55 minutes long so they had to go back and add some additional footage which amounted to endless stock footage of rodeos to make it feature length! That’s the true horror of “The Chooper.” I think there’s a special place in Hell for the really bad people where they make them watch this movie over and over again.

 

I’d say check it out simply for it’s awfulness so anything you’ll see after it will taste like a fine four-course meal. The most action this movie has is simply trying to find the hidden Joe Bob Briggs commentary track buried in the DVD extras. It makes the whole movie much more digestible.


Keep an eye out for…

– mattress stains in the shape of Maryland
– gratuitous use of rodeo footage
– 2 shallow buried bodies
– hat flyin’
– ninja pajamas
– roof leapin’ chooper demons
– rock landscaping
– voice overs…and overs…and overs

I have never seen a movie where the director puts up posters of his other movies in a film. It’s like he’s saying “Yeah I know this film sucks, but maybe you’ll like one of these instead!”

rated 1.9 out of 10 for the movie and 8.6 for Joe Bob Briggs Commentary track.

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out this brief video overview of Bloody Shack I put together for your enjoyment.

Apr

Comments Off on Ice Pirates

Space Pirates

“Dude, you’re like a giant Q-tip!

Before Johnny Depp stole the show with his drunken Keith Richards impersonation, there was the original great Pirate movie of the 80’s called Ice Pirates. In a galaxy gone dry where water has become the only thing of value, we can always count on watered down actors like Robert “made for tv acting” Urich to save the day. Mr. Urich plays Jason, the swash buckling leader of the ice pirates that also include Ron Perlman and Angelica Houston (both of which must have accidentally wandered onto the wrong movie set.) Ice pirates are not a Canadian hockey team, nor is it a musical on ice, but is a gang of rebels who steal frozen water from the government to sell to the locals. They’re not really all that intimidating as pirates looking more like rejects from the local renaissance festival equipped with laser pistols and swords. They mostly rely on the swords for their pure swash buckeling-ness.

The crew attacks a local ice carrying government ship and yes the ship even looks like a giant ice cube tray. I swear my 7 year old kid could do these special effects better himself. While stealing the ice blocks they accidentally encounter a frozen princess named Karina who Jason immediately falls in love with. He attempts to steal her from the ship like she’s the last Swasons TV dinner left in the fridge but is captured by the ruthless overlord Zorn. We know Zorn is very evil and very stupid because he says things like “Killing you would be too easy. I have something better in mind for you!” ugh..typical dumb bad guy move.

So he delays their execution by sending them to the planet Mirtha to be castrated and lobotomized and used as slaves. Instead of the traditional years of marriage that would normally take to incur such a punishment for a man, they’re put on a assembly line given a shave and almost have their twigs and berries chomped off by an vicious looking crotch claw (Yikes!). Luckily the princess decides to help them escape before that can happen and uses them to find her father who supposedly knows the secret location of a lost water planet. Hmmm…what planet could that be? give you a clue It rhymes with girth.

Jason and his Crew arrive at yet another pit-stop planet, this one covered in fog to hide the fact the movie was probably running out of budget and is inhabited by Amazonian woman who ride magical white unicorns. I think had that dream once……anyways, princess Karina doesn’t find her father but does find an annoying body-less head that looks like the guy from tv hollywood squares who whines a lot. He reluctantly helps them find the time warp after a nose tickling Guantanamo-style torture. As Jason and the crew travel through the time warp they start to age rapidly. Old people turn to skeleteons, young couples get busy and have babies, guys grow big afros and long beards, it’s like Woodstock all over again man. Will they survive and find Girth? Will they have unlimited supplies of snow cones? Will they be able to clear up a vicious case of space herpies? Check it out for yourself. You’ll be glad you did.

Keep an eye out for…

– robot kung-fu
– unicorn riding amazon woman
– extreme afros
– jive speaking robot pimps
– crotch claws
– gopher shootin’
– frog-women who drink too much
– freshness sealed princesses
– space herpies
– robot family drive-bys

I always wondered how many people can you fit on a motorcycle…this movie dares to answer such an age old question.

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie.

learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Ice Pirates

Apr

posted by admin | April 8, 2007 | Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Comedy, Cult Film, Cult films

Comments Off on Grindhouse Review

Grindhouse Review

“How much would you pay for this stainless steel Ginsu carving machete!? But wait there’s more
!”

When I first saw the trailer for this movie about 5 months ago I was nearly in shock at it’s oozing coolness. This looked like it could possibly be the next great b-movie. Could this be the triumphant return of the great exploitation horror films from the 70’s and early 80’s that I watched with my buddies on our old beat up top loading VCR? How could it possibly fail? It has zombies, guns, babes, explosions, muscle cars, and the return of Kurt Russel back to his bad ass original persona. Oh did I mention there’s a go-go dancer with a machine gun for a leg? Could it live up to my hype or simply fail me like a Phantom Menace sized let down? Well I’m happy to say that not only did it live up to my expectations, it surpassed them.

The movie is like racing 200 mph with no headlights drinking 10 cans of Red Bull while playing Quiet Riot at full volume and getting hit by a giant hammer to the forehead then doing it all over again. This movie bites, kicks, slugs, and blasts your senses with buckets of blood and mayhem in a over the top b-movie nostalgia extravaganza. Actually 2 separate movies helmed by two different legendary directors taken together in one sitting give you a a total taste of what makes a great b-movie film. Complete with fake trailers between the main features and even a fake advertisement for a unappetizing restaurant near the theater there even a vintage scratched film quality that makes nostalgia freaks like me salivate.

The first movie is Planet Terror directed by Rob Rodriguez and it’s a blood soaked zombie infestation that takes no prisoners. A small town is infected with a deadly military experiment that causing the residents to break out with the worse acne cases you’ll ever see turning them into giant walking puss bucket zombies. A small band of survivors try to flee the town with help of a one legged stripper and a knife wielding rebel. After a brief intermission of some truly creatively hilarious and disturbing fake trailers the next film starts it’s engines.

Death Proof Directed by Tarantino is a a race car extravaganza psycho fueled talk fest. A much more deliberatively paced film that Terror Planet with great dialog and character building leading to some unexpected pay off moments and one of the greatest car chase sequences ever filmed. Tarantino does his typical Tarantino-izing approach to his film as we have to endure some overly long dialog to payoff to some amazing action sequences. Of course I’m not entirely convinced that this wasn’t also a deliberate reflection of those original exploitation films from the 70’s that were heavy on the talking and light on the action due to budgets. Kurt Russell plays a murderous stunt car driver taking his victims for a ride to their end in his beefed up street machine that is death proof only for the driver. Stuntman Mike meets the competition when he terrorizes a group of movie studio girls who also happen to have a couple of stunt drivers of their own.

I don’t want to divulge too much about the plots as this is simply a movie you need to experience in the theater with a group of other film fans. Check it out and please come back and post your reviews here.

Keep an eye out for…

– eye splinters
– projectile medicine
– bar-b-q secret recipe
– Terrorizing Tarantinto
– delicious Fergalicious victim
– one legged go-go dancers
– disgruntled babysitters with garden tools
– pizza faced zombies
– gun safety tips
– hood riding stunt women
– Kurt Russell smack downs
– extremely explosive parked cars

I will never look at a Thanksgiving turkey in the same way now.

rated 10 out of 10 for the movie. Yes it’s that good
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Grindhouse

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>