Archive for the 'Bad movie' Category

Aug

Comments Off on Feed: Rest Stop Review Edition

Feed

It gets a little lonely on the road, so I decided I’d settle into a motel with a movie about love and devotion and happiness, so I picked Feed.

Feed (2005) is the heartwarming tale of the kind of love that blossoms on Craigslist and fetish websites, which in turn is investigated by every major law enforcement agency on the planet. Now, I’m all for doing whatever you want with your body, and putting whatever disgusting thing you want to into whatever disgusting orifice you feel like; I mean, I can do things with a length of garden hose and a can of easy cheese that’ll curl your toes, but when it gets into those strange murky areas where people will die or kill someone just to get their rocks off, it gets a little squicky.

The flick opens with a man in an advanced state of nekkid holding a plate full of burgers and fries over a bedridden obese woman wearing lipstick and little else, and touching himself in a manner that usually requires going to confession afterward. He forces her to say “Feed Me!” like a doughy Audrey II, then shoves the burger into her maw while waxing poetic, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Then, the film breaks away to a home in Germany being subject to a raid by a cybercrime unit being led by Detective Jackson from…Australia… Not sure how the jurisdictional laws work out there; but he leads the charge and goes in to find the stove full of pots and pans, one of which contains a bit of male anatomy being sautéed. Cut to upstairs, and there’s two men in the bathroom, one snacking (literally) on the other. The bloody fellow starts screaming about how it’s his body and he wants to be eaten… Yikes.

Jackson goes home and has a violent love affair with his girlfriend, but is now haunted by the memories of the Germany raid and starts searching for his next case, which happens to be a website featuring the voluptuous lady Deidre that we met in the first scene. She’s a Gainer, and has just reached her goal of 600 pounds, and is worshipped. Her Feeder, Michael, who is also the admin of the website, keeps track of her vital signs, and we see that there are bets placed on the site for how long the various members think she will live. This is a problem for Jackson, who investigates the site further to see a memorial page to the last featured lady, Lucy, and videos of her with a tube and funnel in her mouth being force fed something that looks really gross, then dying.

He ends up travelling to America against the wishes of his superiors, and stalks the owner of the site. He finds the priest who runs the boy’s home where Michael lived for a while, and then we meet Abby, who conveniently knows a lot about Michael, and invites Jackson out for a Whopper.

From here the movie gets a little preachy; Michael places lots of emphasis on the “what is beauty?” argument and talk of outrageous standards in America of thinness and overall appearance, and showers his big beauties in devotion, love, marinara, whipped cream, and barbeque sauce. Jackson thinks its flat-out murder, and also thinks the whole thing is just nasty.  Jackson has his own demons, though; but Michael ends up drugging him with a doughnut while crowing his catchphrase, “Consumption is Evolution,” and for reasons I don’t understand injects his belly with…something. Jackson wakes up and does a Rambo job on himself, then it’s on like Simon Lebon.

Michael is one creepy sumbish, let me tell you. He’s the textbook pretty-boy psychopath; we get informed by flashback that his mother was bedbound, and he had to care for her in much the same way that he takes care of Deidre, so a whole crazy Norman Bates vibe gets added to the mix. We also discover that Michael is married to a very pretty skinny lady, so now it’s a question of, is he really REALLY into this, or is he just an unsub with unlimited income and multiple homes?

The wife says he’s doing God’s work, so now we have the fetish plus a thriving oedipal complex with a side of religious weirdness. Jackson kidnaps her and shows her what her husband is really up to, which throws her into a full-on speaking in tongues rapture type frenzy, and he kidnaps her and tracks the bad guy down.

While all this is going on, Deidre is being fed a weight gain mix of bulking agent, eggs, and the rendered blubbage of the previous occupant of her bed, Lucy. I had to stop a moment and collect myself, because that’s just nasty.

Jackson finally arrives for the ultimate showdown, and he and Michael chase each other around for a while, the whole time Deidre is wavering between having a massive coronary and screaming for Jackson not to hurt Michael, to get out and leave them alone. Jackson finds Lucy’s corpse in the living room, and Michael’s dad in the den, being starved to death. The fight travels back upstairs, and Michael forces Jackson to feed Deidre the Lucy chowder, which ends badly. Deidre continues to go nuts, which sparks a minor Michael freakout in which he reveals he killed his mom and cut the fat off of her body, but Deidre doesn’t care about that, even when Michael holds a pillow over her face and smothers her a little. Just a little, though, it’s alright, she still loves him!

The final showdown is full of yelling and more preaching from the book of Michael, until Jackson takes matters into his own hands and shoots…

Deidre!  HE SHOT DEIDRE! What the hell? Did M. Night Shyamalan have something to do with this? Holy crap that was NOT what I expected! The screen goes dark, and there are two more shots.

We come back to a sunny home, Jackson biddy-bops into the kitchen and there’s Abby! She’s making sandwiches! She’s also gained a bit of weight since the last we saw her. Jackson kisses her on the cheek and says he’s going out for a bit, and she hands him a bag of sandwiches and tells him not to be late for supper.

Jackson travels back to the farmhouse and into the room where the rotting corpse of Deidre still lays in bed. He opens the doors to the balcony and sets up a chair and table. He sits and takes a bite of his sandwich, then offers a bite to Michael, who is strapped to a wheelchair and has wasted away to skeletal thinness. Jackson makes him say the famous words, “Feed Me,” and the movie ends. The credits roll to a bizarrely peppy techno song about how we love life and should shake it up and cool down.

Feed definitely delivered, for most of the film I was disturbed and definitely grossed out. This is not one for the family for sure; there is full frontal nudity of both the guys and gals, and scenes of high intensity aardvarking.

5 beasts; every major character in this movie is despicable, and the German cannibal guy is scary as all getout.

1 gallon of blood, mostly in the German Cannibal scene.

Sautéed wangdoodles, exploitation-fu, sponge bath-fu, gratuitous self abuse, marinara-fu, barbeque sauce-fu, whipped cream-fu, cookie-fu, burger-fu, ill-fitting lingerie, 24 hour streaming webcam-fu, pay porno site-fu, bad internet detective-fu, hot raunchy aardvarking, breast-biting, doughnuts roll, bellies flop. 4 stars.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going for a jog and I’ll meet a man in a bar like the good lord intended.

trailers

dripper
Jul

Comments Off on “The Manster” a.k.a. “The Split” Rest Stop Edition

Tokyo is being terrorized by a crazed beast. But this time it’s not Gojira, he needed to use up some vacation time and took the day off.

A deranged scientist (aren’t they all that way in these movies) has finally run out of family members to do experiments on and he really needs a new lab rat to continue his “important” work. Conveniently, a “dumb as a stick” writer shows up at his house to do an article about him. Not long after arriving, the mad scientist who’s also known as Dr. Suzuki offers him a drink that’s been laced with a “ruffie” and after a couple of sips he passes out. Jeez! What a lightweight. While Larry (that’s the guy’s name) is unconscious Mr. “I can give you a great deal on a boat, atv, car or motorcycle” Suzuki shoots him up with some kind of genetic experiment, similar to those govt. flu vaccinations.

The mad scientist, who also earns extra cash as a pimp on the side doesn’t want his petri dish on two legs to leave Tokyo, so he keeps him busy by serving up plenty of ho’s and Saki. He even offers Larry his prized egg roll, an assistant named Tara. A day or so after the injection strange things begin happening to Larry. He goes from being a mild mannered Professor Klump type of person to an abusive womanizer who runs around assaulting random women. I think he’s been hanging around Charlie Sheen too much. Then late one night after getting his fill of the Geisha buffet, Larry goes home and discovers a nasty looking rash on his shoulder. That what he gets for not using some kind of protection. Luckily, for him the rash goes away but then an eyeball sprouts out of his shoulder. Hey, aren’t “third eyes” supposed to appear in the middle of the head? Well, it probably got lost trying follow Map Quest directions. Anyway, things continue to get worst when other symptoms start showing up like a hairy palm and finger nails that grow as long as Wolverine’s claws. Now, I just checked out Larry’s symptoms on Web MD and I was wrong, it’s not an STD. Maybe, he’s going through puberty again???

Well, I’m not to sure what’s goin’ on here, but the movie starts to get Tom Cruise jumpin’ on Oprah’s couch freaky when a little shrunken head sporting some bad looking teeth (must be British) pops outta Larry’s shoulder like a stripper bursting from a big birthday cake. And before you can say double trouble, the crazed duo are destroying public property Chris Brown style and murdering various people on the street using the Ripper’s as in Jack the Ripper’s MO. Soon the police are hot on their trail like Wynona Ryder after a shop lifting spree. But after awhile Larry tires of the freakshow life style and decides to call it quits with his new BBF. Apparently, two heads aren’t better than one. That’s a real shame. They seemed so happy together. Counseling isn’t an option as Larry quickly splits with his other half using a tree trunk like a crowbar to pry himself apart. Well, at least they won’t have to pay for divorce attorneys. A newly single, and back on the market Larry watches from a distance as the Trog wannabe steals his girlfriend Tara and they both take the Nestea plunge into a volcano. Then the credits immediately roll for what has to be the fastest ending that I’ve ever seen in a movie that still has me wondering if the director ran outta film?

Half Man, Half Monster, a 100% pure B-movie cheese.

Roadside Attractions:

– A double-header villian
– Random murders
– 1 crazy scientist
– 1 scorned wife
– Extreme Saki drinking
– Supersized lee press on nails
– Plenty of DIY make-up effects
– 1 eyeball on the shoulder gag
– 1 hairy palm
– Creepy Thermin music
– Geisha girl bloodbath
– A head sprouts out of a shoulder
– A guy wearing a hokey gorilla costume


Unfortunately, a trailer isn’t available even though this movie is in the public domain.

Jul

posted by Barry Goodall | July 3, 2011 | 80's movies, Bad movie, Review by Doktor, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on R.O.T.O.R.

Tagline: Robotic Officer Tactical Operation Research
Year: 1988 Runtime: 90 min
Director: Cullen Blaine
Writer: Cullen Blaine (original idea), Budd Lewis (screenplay)
Starring: Margaret Trigg, Richard Gesswein and Jayne Smith

I recently decided to get outside of myself and give something back. I visited the elderly at a local assisted living community and performed stand up comedy. Laughter is the best medicine, right?

My audience was a crowd of perhaps a dozen men and women in the recreation room. I don’t think the staff told them about my “show” because more than a few of them were cutting their eyes at me when the orderly turned off Wheel of Fortune abruptly and introduced me.

I started off with a classic:

“A blind man walked into a bar.” I paused for dramatic effect. “What? Don’t take that tone with me,” I kidded, looking around the crowd, “he was blind for goodness sake. What’dya expect?”

I think one of the two that could hear me chuckled. The rest were a mix of whistling hearing aides and wheezing, staring blankly at me like a dog that I had just tried to explain 401k benefits to.

It was at that moment that I truly understood just how much of a subjective beast humor is.

To make matters worse, for years I have tried to explain the value of b-movies to people through mocking them. I’ve often heard, and used, the phrase, “it’s so bad, it’s funny.” Yet, humor being what it is, so bad, it’s funny means different things to different people.

Then I watched the Rent-a-Center Terminator film, R.O.T.O.R. Suddenly, life, the universe and everything all made sense.

R.O.T.O.R. is a movie that exemplifies the description: so bad, it’s funny. And thanks to this deliciously retarded movie, I think I can finally give a bulleted list of exactly what that means. This list barely scratches the puerile surface of this film, so as to not spoil the whole film. This is one film you have to experience to fully appreciate.

With all that said, R.O.T.O.R. is the type of movie…

…where a hyper-intelligent cyborg scientist, Dr. Capt. Coldyron (they couldn’t decide which sounded cooler so they used both), lives on a cattle ranch, which he runs by himself. I suppose cyborg science isn’t as demanding as it sounds. Nor is cattle ranching. When the cows come in to feed in the morning, he goes out and half-ass blows up tree stumps with his explosive lasso.

…that has the hero, Dr. Capt. Coldyron, wear sunglasses, but only while inside or at night. You can always tell him from the other dufuses in the movie ‘cos he’s the one with the bloody shins.

…that uses lines like the following to sound “scientific”:

“Good vibrations to it’s molecular tonality you can utilize.” and

“How does the chassis [of the robot] animate without gears and motors?” Which is answered with, “This chassis has been given a prime directive.”

…that use the following exposition to explain how to defeat R.O.T.O.R.:

“To combat pure will you’ll have to use purer logic. You will have to let yourself fail. Use your failure against him. Your failure is his failure. Your weakness is his weakness. Then, and only then, can you do something.”

“Great, except I don’t know what any of that means.”

“Let’s hope you never have to find out.”

…that uses the following line for, uhm, I have no idea (it’s a boyfriend talking to his girlfriend as they drive home):

“Look at’choo. You look like you got both eyes coming out of the same hole.”

…that has music “written and performed by Larry’s Dad”

…that is set in Dallas, TX. Come on, really? Dallas, TX doesn’t even want to be set in Dallas.

Being a movie about a futurific cyborg killing machine, here are R.O.T.O.R.’s finer features. R.O.T.O.R. can:

  • easily push through neatly rowed chairs.
  • with slight difficulty, push open both glass doors, on double glass doors
  • unclip velvet rope that is sectioning something off
  • use “sensor recall” vision to see into the past
  • reach menacingly at women inside cars, drive-up photo booths, and other easy to enter places
  • move much slower than Romero zombies when chasing the ingenue
  • easily be stopped by honking your horn
  • suddenly suffer from molecular memory degradation when in the climactic hand-to-hand fight with an extra meaty woman causing him to put away his gun instead of just shooting her
roadside attractions

  • At the beginning, we’re supposed to believe the stock footage is that of an “eye in the sky” news chopper, describing the local traffic. The traffic is light and flowing smoothly, yet the voiceover is saying its a mess, backed up for miles.
  • Everyone in the film delivers their lines as if the director doubled their dose of rhino tranquilizers.
  • Smooth janitor who uses the guaranteed pick up line: “Look at these cheeks. I must be Indian, or a sissy.”
  • Towards the end, look for Dr. Steel, a cyborg chassis scientist and the manliest women in all of Houston, TX, and that includes the offensive line for the Texans, complete with a Pepé Le Pew gray streak mohawk.
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

Plenty of the redstuff to go around.

10

blood

BREASTS

none, nothin’, notta, zilch. oh the humanity!

0

beast

BEASTS

R.O.T.O.R and Dr. Steel

7.0 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “R.O.T.O.R.”

trailers

dripper
Mar

Comments Off on Food of the Gods: Guest review by Tiger Sixon

Tiger SixonTiger Sixon was locked up in a secret desert base with only the government’s cache of weapons grade B-movies to keep him entertained. No one knows why the government locked up one of their best operatives, but it is rumored to involve aliens, a spaceship, and a hefty bar tab. He lost an eye in an accident with a lobster and pogo stick. Now here’s Tiger’s first b-movie review from the confines of his jail cell. Food of the Gods.
Food of the Gods

Any time a film starts with “based on a portion of a novel” you know yer in for somethin’ special. That’s the case with FOOD OF THE GODS. It is based on “a portion” of H. G. Wells’ book of the same name.

But what portion? A sentence? A paragraph? That would be like reading Moby Dick and making a movie based on the ship’s cook, but still calling it Moby Dick.

food of the godsBut let’s get down to brass tacks—FOOD OF THE GODS ain’t a cookin’ film. This ain’t no JULIA AND JULIA. Heck, it ain’t even ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES. This is a nature revenge film.

It is kind of like THE HAPPENING, except there’s no Marky Mark and it didn’t piss me off.

The film starts out with narration by our hero, “My name is Morgan, and I play football.” That reminds me of my last group psych evaluation here at the base: “Hi, my name is Tiger and I [CLASSIFIED].”

The opening credits at a snow covered football field feature bouts of freeze frame action—not to build tension, but to draw attention to the fact that the producers dropped some serious Loonies to shoot at a Canadian football field.

Morgan, who looks like the ‘70s version of Sean Penn, treats us to another voice over, going on to explain that his father, who was apparently a prophet, warned him that someday, nature would have enough and seek revenge. The only thing my dad could predict was the end of a six pack.

Morgan goes on vacation, probably because the rest of the team hates him. The movie doesn’t say so, but you can tell by the look in their eyes that they hate Morgan. Just like I could at my first grade graduation.

Morgan opts to spend a cold weekend on some island in the Pacific North-West with the team’s PR guy and another buddy in tow (does anyone ever say Atlantic North-East?).

food of the godsOn the island they hunt a deer on horseback with a team of foxhounds. Reminds of the last time I was invited to Camp David.

Things take a turn for the interesting when Morgan’s football buddy gets killed by a giant wasp—which is a combination of a giant puppet and a super-imposed photo doing the Cha-cha.

It took a mere seven minutes to get to the first kill of this film. Some folks ain’t got time to bleed; me, I ain’t got time for plot.

Morgan looks for inside a barn, and he finds giant chickens. Get the Colonel on the phone. The chickens proceed to ruin Morgan’s jacket, but his flowing locks remain unscathed. The chickens switch between giant puppets and a split screen of real chickens. Morgan then meets Mrs. Skinner and asks about the massive fowls in the barn.

Mrs. Skinner explains that the feathery behemoths are the result of normal chickens being fed the Food of the Gods. Huzzah. We have a title invocation.

Food of the GodsWe find out later that the Food of the Gods is thick custard that comes out of a hill in the Skinners’ backyard. If only BEVERLY HILLBILLIES had used the same plot device.

Speaking of the Skinners, Mr. Skinner went to the mainland in hopes of selling the Food of the Gods to a chemical company. He dies via a herd of giant rats when he stops to fix a flat tire. Never stop to fix a flat. CGI can never replace the charm of watching rats chew apart a toy Volkswagen.

Morgan returns to the mainland with the body of his dead pal. The PR guy comes to the football field, which days later is still covered in snow, and says their buddy was killed with enough stings for 250 Police concerts.

Morgan and PR guy return to the island and meet an unmarried couple in a Winnebago, and the lady is pregnant. Instant Drama! Just add a preggo lady.

A pair of folks from the chemical company Mr. Skinner visited also shows up, and hilarity ensues.

And by hilarity, I mean herds of giant rats eating everything in sight. The rats are THE reason to watch this film. They are a combination of puppets and split screen footage of real rats attacking model cars and houses. They run in slow-motion and growl like jaguars.

There is even a lone white rat in the bunch. Hey, maybe this film was based on a portion of Moby Dick too?

Morgan must of read the Anarchist Cookbook in high school, because he is quite apt at makin’ pipe bombs–which he uses to blow up a dam. He figures, while the rats can swim, they are not used to swimming at 150 pounds and will sink. Gravity is a harsh mistress. I learned that the first time I flew a [CLASSIFIED].

Morgan’s theory proves correct, and we’re treated to footage of rats in an aquarium.

But wait, just like my mother in law, the white rat shows up at the last minute. Morgan smashes its head in with the stock of his shotgun. That’ll learn it.

Morgan treats the dead rats to a Viking funeral, and muses aloud, “I guess that’s the end of them.”

Wrong. A jar of the Food of the Gods washes up near a group of cows, which promptly chow down. Said cows are then milked, and the film cuts to a scene of school children drinking milk. This is why I only drink the green stuff the base doctor says keeps me from screaming.

Looks like their mom’s are gonna be buyin’ XXXXXL sweaters this Christmas.

Tiger Sixon says, give this flick a watch—but skip it if growling rats running in slow-motion creep ya out.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Puppet punching
  • Hen pecking
  • Giant wasps, chickens, maggots, and rats
  • 1 knife wielding house wife
  • 1 exploding wasp nest
  • Bucket dumping
  • Jar breaking
  • 1 toy Volkswagen
  • 1 toy Winnebago
  • Growling rats
  • Rat Drowning
  • Rat-B-Que
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

the blood is spaced out, but between the giant maggots chewing Mrs. Skinner’s arm and the rats eating people alive, there is plenty to go around—and it is ‘70s neon red blood. And let’s not forget the red paint balls shot at all the rats.

4

blood

BREASTS

the only breasts we see in this PG-rated film are those of the giant chickens. White meat or dark?

10

beast

BEASTS

Just like a family reunion, there are tons of beasts here. Giant chickens, giant wasps, giant maggots, and a legion of giant rats.

7.7 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Food of the Gods”

trailers

dripper
Jan

Comments Off on “Hawk the Slayer” Rest Stop Review Edition

Hawk-the-Slayer

I bet he still can't do a pull-up

Before Conan the Barbarian flexed his pecks, Before Red Sonja heaved her breasts, Before the Beast Master stroked his ferrets, there was Hawk THE SLAYER. Hawk – Defender of truth, do gooder of justice, crusher of evil things, and a hero of hair gel. What we got here is a renaissance festival theater group deciding to put together a movie and dang it all if they didn’t get Jack “I crap better movies than this” Palance to sign on. They must have slipped a roofie in his coffee or had some incriminating evidence against him. By the way, Jack’s coffee is just a cup of coffee beans and some rocks for him to grind in his mouth. He’s that gristled.

Hawk the Slayer played by John Terry leads a rag tag group of live D&D action figures to fight the evil Voltan (Mr. Palance in a darth vadar suit)  who is actually the older crankier brother of Hawk. He’s still biter about Hawk stealing his stalker victim/girlfriend back in ye Medevil Highschool. She also took a torch to his face right before he accidentally cross bowed her on a canoe. Not really the best first date. No woman ever wanted old pizza face after that incident so Voltan has to adopt a son by the name of Volgo to pass on his legacy. Volgon only has aspirations  to assassinate his father and become “Lord of the dance.” but  he gets skewered by Hawk instead.  To top that off Volton’s Dad gives Hawk the Elven Mindstone suber duper glow sword  instead of him right before he died. Sorta like getting the keys to dad’s Corvette, so you can understand how Volton has some rage issues at this point. Hawk goesn traveling the countryside rescuing fair maidens and showing them how he can levitate his sword, and Volton is out burning villages and applying magic ointment cream to his face.

Hoping to seek his revenge, Volton  kidnaps a nun before any nazis can get to her first in hopes that  Hawk will show up before he torches the monastery at midnight. Hawk hears of this treachery and assembles a team of elves, dwarfs and giants to rescue her…and if they have time, maybe a quick LARP tournament afterwards.

Hawk mostly expresses feeling of apathy and blandness while performing David copperfield tricks to amuse himself while his buddies are getting hacked down by Voltons henchman. It would all be pretty depressing if it wasn’t done to 70’s disco music. Hawk must find the courage to fight his evil brother while defending the monastery and their secret pot of gold as Volton’s forces decend upon them for a epic final battle of glowing ping pong balls cheap sword play and silly string. I think the special effects budget just ran out.

Roadside attractions:  mace to the face, cross bow machine guns, dwarf protective death dome, magical hula-hoops, fishing with a whip, death by silly string, glowing ping pong ball attack, Vulcan elf ears.

Barry Goodall says rent it so that his suffering will not be in vein! huzzzzahhhh!

BEST QUOTE:

“Now this must stay a secret between you and me. Not only will I bring back the head of this Hawk, but I’ll have the gold as well. Then Voltan will see who is the lord of the dance.” – Drogo

trailers

dripper

Looking for hard to find cult movies and unreleased DVD’s of some vintage b-movies then check out www.superstrangevideo.com. They provide many of the movies we review here at the site and will give you a great price on whatever film you’re trying to track down.

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>