Archive for the 'Bad movie' Category

Jan

Comments Off on “Hawk the Slayer” Rest Stop Review Edition

Hawk-the-Slayer

I bet he still can't do a pull-up

Before Conan the Barbarian flexed his pecks, Before Red Sonja heaved her breasts, Before the Beast Master stroked his ferrets, there was Hawk THE SLAYER. Hawk – Defender of truth, do gooder of justice, crusher of evil things, and a hero of hair gel. What we got here is a renaissance festival theater group deciding to put together a movie and dang it all if they didn’t get Jack “I crap better movies than this” Palance to sign on. They must have slipped a roofie in his coffee or had some incriminating evidence against him. By the way, Jack’s coffee is just a cup of coffee beans and some rocks for him to grind in his mouth. He’s that gristled.

Hawk the Slayer played by John Terry leads a rag tag group of live D&D action figures to fight the evil Voltan (Mr. Palance in a darth vadar suit)  who is actually the older crankier brother of Hawk. He’s still biter about Hawk stealing his stalker victim/girlfriend back in ye Medevil Highschool. She also took a torch to his face right before he accidentally cross bowed her on a canoe. Not really the best first date. No woman ever wanted old pizza face after that incident so Voltan has to adopt a son by the name of Volgo to pass on his legacy. Volgon only has aspirations  to assassinate his father and become “Lord of the dance.” but  he gets skewered by Hawk instead.  To top that off Volton’s Dad gives Hawk the Elven Mindstone suber duper glow sword  instead of him right before he died. Sorta like getting the keys to dad’s Corvette, so you can understand how Volton has some rage issues at this point. Hawk goesn traveling the countryside rescuing fair maidens and showing them how he can levitate his sword, and Volton is out burning villages and applying magic ointment cream to his face.

Hoping to seek his revenge, Volton  kidnaps a nun before any nazis can get to her first in hopes that  Hawk will show up before he torches the monastery at midnight. Hawk hears of this treachery and assembles a team of elves, dwarfs and giants to rescue her…and if they have time, maybe a quick LARP tournament afterwards.

Hawk mostly expresses feeling of apathy and blandness while performing David copperfield tricks to amuse himself while his buddies are getting hacked down by Voltons henchman. It would all be pretty depressing if it wasn’t done to 70’s disco music. Hawk must find the courage to fight his evil brother while defending the monastery and their secret pot of gold as Volton’s forces decend upon them for a epic final battle of glowing ping pong balls cheap sword play and silly string. I think the special effects budget just ran out.

Roadside attractions:  mace to the face, cross bow machine guns, dwarf protective death dome, magical hula-hoops, fishing with a whip, death by silly string, glowing ping pong ball attack, Vulcan elf ears.

Barry Goodall says rent it so that his suffering will not be in vein! huzzzzahhhh!

BEST QUOTE:

“Now this must stay a secret between you and me. Not only will I bring back the head of this Hawk, but I’ll have the gold as well. Then Voltan will see who is the lord of the dance.” – Drogo

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Looking for hard to find cult movies and unreleased DVD’s of some vintage b-movies then check out www.superstrangevideo.com. They provide many of the movies we review here at the site and will give you a great price on whatever film you’re trying to track down.

Jan

posted by admin | January 12, 2011 | 80's movies, Action, Bad movie, Review by Barry Goodall, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Raiders of Atlantis

Raiders of Atlantis

“Raiders of Atlantis” aka “Atlantis Interceptors” sort of reminds me of “Rambo First Blood”…in that people will say “First Blood was a good movie, Raiders of Atlantis isn’t.” It’s a sort of “Everything but the kitchen sink” approach to filmmaking and could be the only movie to actually suffer from ADHD.

It all starts out as a white guy/black guy buddy movie with Mike (Christopher Connelly) and Washington (Tony King) chloroforming rich guys in mansions and then hog tying them up for delivery in the trunk of their car. After making their last drop and reminiscing about the Viet Cong they decide to take a boat trip. Their vacation is cut short though when they have to pick up survivors from a capsized ocean platform where a Russian submarine just popped up thanks to a large helping of baking soda. Toy subs in a bathtub have never been more breath taking. Somehow the radioactive missiles in the sub have also caused the ancient island of Atantis to rise, a sort of ancient island viagra. The sky grow darks, casio keyboards play in the distance and somewhere a bimbo gets a blow dart to the neck. Behold the mighty powers of Atlantis!

Raiders of AtlantisOne of the platform survivors is Cathy (Gioia Scola.) She’s your average super model scientist who has an ancient pre-Columbian tablet that possibly tells the secrets of the ancient city…and how Juan Valdez can pick all those dang coffee beans all by himself. After some brief sexual tension and discussions about spinach diners they all arrive ashore on a totally different island just to further confuse things. The town’s streets are abandoned and it’s inhabitants have all been brutally killed, a Packers celebration gone horribly wrong. but A gang of  “Road Warrior” rejects are still roaming the streets lead by a bouncer in a fish bowl helmet shaped like a skull. Because when you think evil leaders, you think clear plastic headware.

The biker gang attacks the survivors who hold up in a warehouse, alamo style and start flinging an endless supply of  flaming cocktails. Despite the unlimited ammo, Cathy stills gets kidnapped while Mike and his group try to go after her on a tour bus fending off any air dropped punk rockers. Mike, Washington, the professor, ginger, and a few nameless victims go along for a helicopter ride to the Atlantis Raiders of Atlantisisland to try to rescue Cathy. They somehow stumble upon an Indiana Jones stunt spectacular  including spiked jungle traps and poorly paid cliff divers. Mike has plans to sink the island since they have a professor aboard who can neutralize the radioactive missiles  in the now washed ashore submarine.  Once again this proves the theory that all island professors can build radio’s out of coconuts and reverse radioactive isotopes in their spare time.

Mike uses the totem as a sort of babe scientist GPS device guiding them to an underground tomb where Cathy is being held captive by the band Devo. They’re forcing her to perform as a backup singer in a Robert Palmer music video and solve pictionary puzzles while intravenously feeding her prozac. Tom and Washington fight 100’s of tribal gangs, nearly get chomped up in a ancient wind tunnel fan and dodge aztech death lasers only to find that she doesn’t want to go that badly and then disappears into the wall. Typical first date. The biodome on the island starts to shut and Tom and Washington have to high tail it out before the effects budget runs out.

Barry Goodall says it’s all good…but only  if consumed with large amounts of Pabst Blue and zucinni snappers. Check it out and don’t forget to wear a helmet.

roadside attractions

  • Gratutious use of spinach
  • Toy submarine
  • Drive-by decapitations
  • Flaming cocktails
  • Flame throwers
  • Aztech laser spectacular
  • Flaming helipcopters
  • Extreme wind tunnels
  • Jungle spike impalement
  • Punk rocker blow darts
  • Fish bowl helmets
  • Over use of the term “Come on!” and “Alright lets go!”
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Decapitations, spearing, impaling gore.

3

blood

BREASTS

As cheap as this movie was they wouldn’t sink to that level. pity.

5

beast

BEASTS

If you count the Atlantis demon spirits, probably a dozen or so tops.

5.2 OVERALL
dripper

The original title was “I predatori di Atlantide” which roughly translated means, “I predict this movie will end up in the Atantic”

Check out the trailer for “Raiders of Atlantis”

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Dec

Comments Off on Black Christmas (2006): Rest Stop Review by Doktor


if one goes out they all go out!

Black Christmas (1974) is a cute movie. How scary can a movie be whose only psycho is Margot Kidder, and her mental health bender wasn’t until 22 years later.

Yawn.

The plot is, well, the same as the original, plot-o-tron-3K-tastic. A group of college girls are being killed by a psycho killer, who enjoys taunting them with obscene calls. Perfect for Blood, Breasts and Beasts!

This is how the real Black Christmas (2006), scores in the 3 B’s …

Blood:

It delivers in a 5 gal. bucket. Car windows are completely spray splattered. There’s enough spilled to allow the characters to slip ‘n slide around in it. And just for plan old fun gore, there’s several blood goo covered eyeballs that are removed, and ate.

Mmmmm, mmmmm! Just like Donna Bleed makes, ‘cept in a better movie than the original.

Breasts:

Two Perfect Pert Perkies™, and a SUH-weet shower butt shot! Tugger, Little Toot Tugboat’s big brother, says, “They’re Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbeautiful!”

The wonderfully talented Crystal Lowe, aka Hot Party Girl #3 in 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, gave of herself so that we might enjoy this movie. God bless you, Crystal. God bless you.

Beasts:

Two, ACTUAL, psycho freaks in this one. First is Billy Lenz (as played by “Yellow Bastard” Roark Jr. before Hartigan took him out) and his Daughter-Sister™ Agnes. That’s right, daughter-sister, as in, this here movie has got some mother/son love going on.

Only 100% Grade-A, psychos here.

Rating (on it’s own merits): 3 Cheese Wedges

Rating (versus the original): 5 Cheese Wedges

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Dec

Comments Off on Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2


Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Welcome to the Second Annual Holiday Movie Review by Drive-in Dan and Mrs. Drive-in Dan. Now, I heard a lot about how I just “took over” last year’s review of “Christmas Vacation”, so this year I am going to sit back and keep my mouth shut. Really. I will. I promise. Dan, dear, take it away.

Drive-in Dan: All right, woman. You sure you’re gonna be able to keep quiet for this one?

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Yes, dear.

Drive-in Dan: *Sigh* Uh-huh. We’ll see. But I love you. O.K., here we go…

Filmed on a budget of a Britney Spears weekend shopping spree, this abomination of film making was made by a group of first-time hacks-for-hire, who proudly wear this cinematic scarlet letter, even though the movie industry and legions of horror fans shun them.

After his older brother (psycho Santa) gets slayed at the conclusion of the first film, Ricky, psycho Santa’s baby brother, has an ax to grind with the naughty and continues to spread the family brand of holiday fear. If you haven’t seen the first movie that’s O.K.–because this “sequel” has about 40 or so minutes of footage from the first movie in the form of flashbacks to get you caught-up. The production value takes cheap to whole new low, as it would make a flea market look like a Macy’s. Starring Eric Freeman (Ricky), who is the greatest eyebrow actor to ever appear onscreen, some in the horror community consider this film to be the “Troll 2” of holiday movies. The acting by everyone in this thing is so bad, the performances should be considered a criminal offense.

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Sweetie? Can I interject something here?

Drive-in Dan: Yes…?

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Now, I must agree with you. That Eric Freeman’s eyebrows are a force to be reckoned with. I mean seriously–those things should have had top-billing for the movie! At the very least, their own line in the credits! Did they get their own trailer on the set during the shooting? And what was with that girl taking a moment to gulp before she was about to get killed? Run, girl, run! Don’t just stand there and gulp, waiting for the nut-case to do you in!

Drive-in Dan: Dang it, woman! Can I continue here?

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Yes, dear. I apologize. Carry on.

Drive-in Dan: Anyhow, you have to wonder how many “writers” (I use the term very loosely) it takes to throw together a screenplay for a sequel in six hours using the script and half the footage from the previous movie. Believe it or not five. Five writers.

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Honestly, someone should question what in the world that Pringle lady did as the script supervisor. This thing was a piece of…

Drive-in Dan: Woman!

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Shushing. Sorry, dear. Keep going.

Drive-in Dan: I’ve made a list of the good stuff for you to check out so that you don’t have to waste your time with the entirety of this shoddy film. Here’s the list:

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Sweetie?

Drive-in Dan: (annoyed) Yes…?

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Honey, I don’t have the list.

Drive-in Dan: (through clenched teeth) That’s because there ISN’T one. There is no dang list of good stuff in the movie, because this movie is a big piece of reindeer poop marinated in Elf urine. If you’d let me get through this dang review, that would become apparent!

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Oh. Yes, dear. Sorry. Keep going.

Drive-in Dan: Little Ricky is lucky enough to get adopted, but he apparently suffers from “chromophobia”–the fear of color. Ricky’s problem is with the color red…as in the color of Santa’s suit and just about every other dang thing at Christmas. The first incident of this we see is when he’s on the street with his adoptive mother, and while she is talking to a friend, Ricky has some kind of “episode” when a red cloth is thrown over a chair in a store window. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the nuns he kept seeing on the street, or the Omen-ish music that accompanied them as they virtually floated off the ground, in and out of the stores. He had such positive experiences at the hand of Mother Superior at the orphanage. What a fine woman of God she was… Uh, yeah. Anyhow…

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Sweetheart? Are you going to talk about the part with–

Drive-in Dan: Dang it, woman… I’m getting there!

Ricky grows up and gets a job as a dishwasher, because his adoptive father died, and his adoptive mother had no money to send him to college, so he had to work to pay his own way. Life’s rough. While confronting a loan shark in the alley behind where he works, Ricky has another “episode” when the loan shark pulls out a red handkerchief. Seriously, somebody put this guy in a ring for a bull fight. Ricky impales the loan shark with an umbrella from a trash can and leaves him in the alley. And then it starts to rain…

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Well at least he had an umbrella over him to keep him dry.

Drive-in Dan: Woman, he was dead! The umbrella was through his body!

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Yes, but at least he was a dry corpse! Now hurry up! I have to go check my Christmas cookies and mix up the icing to decorate them!

Drive-in Dan: Fine. I have to go see a man about a horse–too much holiday nog. You wanna jump in the driver’s seat while I go take care of this?

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Certainly, dear. I’ll move us along until you get back.

So, any-hoo, all of this is part of Ricky’s flashbacks as he’s telling his life story to shrink #13 who’s come in to talk to him in jail. The shrink pulls out a photo of a pretty blonde. Ah, Jennifer. The only thing Ricky ever cared about. So then we see flashbacks of Ricky with Jennifer. He flips-out when he sees Jennifer’s ex, Chip, in front of Jennifer’s house by his red Mustang, talking about how he and Jennifer got busy in the back seat. Uh-oh. Not only do we have a red vehicle in this picture, but Ricky also thought Jennifer was a virgin when he’d slept with her. Tsk-tsk. So, he zaps Chip–literally–with a jumper cable from the car battery to the mouth. Jennifer is stupid enough to stop, take a moment, and gulp as she realizes she’s about to be killed (if you are not screaming at the television for her to RUN in this scene, you have way more patience with people than I do), which gives Ricky a chance to yank the antenna from the car and strangle her.

Well, wouldn’t-cha know it, a cop sees the whole thing and pulls a gun on him. Ricky gets the gun away from the cop and kills him, and goes on a rampage through the neighborhood. Oh, sweetie–you’re back.

Drive-in Dan: Yes. Where are you?

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: I was just about to talk about “garbage day.“

Drive-in Dan: Oh, O.K. So, anyhow, Ricky goes around shooting people like he’s at the O.K. Corral, including a guy putting out his trash. But before Ricky offs him, he (and his eyebrows) deliver the classic line, “Garbage day!“ This is probably the best-known scene from the movie. Heck, it’s the only known scene from the movie.

So, back to real time in the jail, the psychiatrist Ricky was talking to is dead as a dodo, slumped over the tape recorder, and Ricky is gone. He has one more ax to grind…with Mother Superior. Mother Superior we learn had a stroke, is retired, and living alone. Of course. She is confined to a wheelchair, and has some nasty boils on her face. What the heck kind of stroke did she have? Yikes! She looks like she got on the wrong end of an exorcism.

Of course Ricky finds her place with no problem, and naturally her house has the weakest doors known to man. Wet tissue paper would have put up more of a fight. He hacks his way in in no time…

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Oh, sweetie, this is the part with the flying nun!

Drive-in Dan: What?

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: This is the part where Ricky gets into her house and Mother Superior pulls a “Flying Nun” routine to get upstairs in the blink of an eye. She must have flown, because not even an able-bodied person can get upstairs that fast.

Drive-in Dan: Yes, dear, you’re right. This is the part. Anyway, Mother Superior is now upstairs and has barricaded herself in one of the rooms. Somehow, she is able to move a fairly solid and heavy piece of furniture–remember, she’s in a wheelchair–to keep Ricky out even more. But he hacks through that wimpy door, too, and Mother Superior goes wheeling around the upstairs, and flies down the stairs (well, actually she falls when Ricky pushes her, but she gets down quick!). The cops and Sister Mary pull up outside and Sister Mary goes inside and finds Mother Superior at the dining table. But she won’t respond, and as Sister Mary touches her to snap her out of it, Mother Superior’s head rolls off and hits the floor. But there’s no blood. Not only did Ricky execute a precise surgical cut even though he swung the ax overtop her head like he was about to chop some kindling but he also cauterized the wound too. What a swell job! Sister Mary faints, hits the floor, and the cops shoot Ricky outside.

They couldn’t even end the film with a newly-shot scene. Now, granted, the shot they did use was more effective in this movie than in the original, but they still lifted it from a dream sequence in the first film. Sister Mary comes to, and when she opens her eyes, the severed head is right next to her on the floor, and she screams. This causes Ricky to open his eyes. I guess all those gunshots weren’t that serious after all. Or maybe he deflected the bullets with eyebrows. Who knows what happened? But it looks like he’ll be back for another sequel.

The writers were actually proud of the fact that they banged the script out in about as long as it would take to watch a mini “Law & Order” marathon. And that apparently meant they didn’t pay much attention to continuity. In this film, we learn that the Santa shot at the orphanage in “Silent Night Deadly Night” wasn’t Father O’Brien, but old man Kelsey, the janitor. That’s quite a difference. The janitor instead of the priest? Oh, and then there’s the part where Ricky as a little baby remembers the night Killer Santa murder his parents even though he was so young he couldn’t tell the difference between topsoil and strained carrots. Man, you gotta love shoddy writing and directing. Well, at least they got the part about him being deaf right.

Michael Armstrong does create a really creepy snyth-tastic score. And makeup effects artist, Christopher Biggs (“A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child”), manages to pull off some impressive-looking makeup effects even though the movie had a tiny budget and a really short shooting schedule (10 days). But a couple of positive things can’t save this “sequel” from making my Top 10 Worst Movies of All Time. This movie really should have been called “Silent, but Deadly” because it’s a real stinker.

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Honey, speaking of stinkers, did you break wind?

Drive-in Dan: No.

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: Goodness, what IS that awful smell?

Drive-in: Yikes! It just hit me. It smells like a Sumo Wrestler took a dump on a burning tire.

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: OH, MY COOKIES! My Christmas cookies! Now, look what you’ve gone and made me do–I’ve gone and burned my cookies!

Drive-in Dan: Woman, how is this my fault? You’re the one who has to go and bake…

Mrs. Drive-in Dan: I’ve gotta run, everybody! My cookies are burning! Happy holidays, y’all! Dan, get the fire extinguisher! I know it’s not a real Christmas until it’s a fire hazard, but that’s supposed to be with LIGHTS, not cookies! Jiminy Pete… We’ll see you next year, everyone! Dan! Get in her with that fire extinguisher; we have a SITUATION here!

roadside attractions

  • 1 impaling by umbrella
  • 1 electrocution via jumper cables
  • 1 strangulation by car antenna
  • 1 exploding car
  • Random people are shot with a handgun
  • Attack of the flashback
  • Extreme wheelchairing
  • Boobies in distress
  • 40+ minutes of recycled footage
  • Eyebrows gone wild
totals

1

blood
BLOOD

Not a lot of the red stuff. I’ve seen more blood when I nick my face shaving.

-5

blood
BREASTS

5 boobies in peril and a whole lot of random skin. We give this section a negative rating because we don’t like seeing boobies in violent situations.

7

beast
BEASTS

Six if you count the flashbacks from the first movie and Mother Superior

1.5 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2”

trailers

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Oct

posted by admin | October 30, 2010 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Bad movie, Halloween films, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on “The Room” Rest Stop Review Edition

oh the horror of the room!The Room is THE text book example of the phrase “the whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts.” To see just how this works, let’s break it down into its component parts.

Acting = suck. None of the acting is good. Some is less terrible than others, but that can also be said of cancer. The best of the bad acting falls squarely on Tommy Wiseau. From his odd “American” accent, to his stilted delivery, to his misshaped face, it’s a smorgasbord of stinky green cheese.

Music = suck. Watch the love scenes with the subtitles on. First, you’ll thank me for giving you something other than Wiseau’s deformed, naked buttocks to look at. Second, and more to the point, you’ll see lyrics that even horny teenagers instantly recognize as terrible.

Story = suck. There’s supposed to be some kind of moral, I think. Something about not being able to trust people. It’s touted as having “the passion of Tennesee [sic] Williams”. By that I’m assuming they are referring to the fact that it’s gay, but that’s not cool. What’s better are the many unceremoniously dropped plot points. It’s not just small ones that come and go in a line or two. My favorite would have to be the mother who causally mentions she’s dying from breast cancer. It’s dismissed rather flippantly and then it’s never brought up again. Ever.

Title & Poster = suck. As a title, The Room would have you think there is something significant about a particular room, that it takes place in one room. Nope. The film is set all over, different rooms, the roof, the park, the coffee shop, etc.. Also, with a name like The Room, why is the movie’s poster a close up shot of Tommy Wiseau?

So, if we add it all up, Suck + Suck + Suck + Suck = (and you don’t need a Ph.D. in preventative mathematics to work this out) Suck, right?

Wrong.

I know. I know. It’s seems impossible. I believe it has something to do with transubstantiated quadruple negative transference, that is, all the suck aspects of this film, mixed together, transconfoobalates into AWE-some! I have racked my brain trying to figure this out, and will continue to do so for years to come but, even with all of my Science, I have to admit that in the end it’s all magic in a box.

Part of me desperately wants to believe Wiseau is a genius. That same part of me believes with the right amount of discipline and practice I can be a Jedi.

One way or the other, for those of us who are fans of the cult/late, late, late movies, Tommy Wiseau is our new champion, and The Room is his magnum opus. It’s also his only movie, but that’s just a silly little technicality. So keep your eyes on Wiseau, ‘cos he is very much the Edward Wood, Jr. of our time.

Now you too can experience the terror of “The Room” in the classic style of a Rocky Horror picture show event for your Halloween movie night or any night for that matter. This handy “oh hi dandy” participation guide will make your next movie event that much more vaguely european. Hurry before you get cancer!

The Room Audience Participation Guide (PDF)

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