Archive for the 'Bad movie' Category

Jul

Comments Off on Warlock

I’d been hankering for a movie where an amish guy kicks around a demon who looks like a reject from a 80’s hair band and by golly, Warlock came along and did just that. Julian Sands stars as the pony tailed warlock who’s about to be put to death in 17th century Boston. Just before he’s going to be hanged, and burned over a basket of live cats, Satan shows up and zaps him into a time tornado to the 1980’s. His mission, to find some super witch book called the Grand Grimoire that can destroy the universe and every living Back Street Boy ever in existence. Well at least he’ll find some decent hair gel there. Julian’s not off the hook just yet because a furry witch hunter called Redferne (Richard E. Grant) has followed him through the time portal packing all sorts of witch-bustin’ goodies.

The Warlock crashes into a apartment owned by a waitress named Kasandra (Lori singer). She lets him stay for the night but In the morning, he chows down on her roomates tongue sautéing it and cursing kasandra to age 20 years a day. That is gonna be hell on her plastic surgery bills. Redferne with a major case of jet lag finally shows up but he’s still on medevil time and The warlock has already taken off. Redferne and Kasandra use a bit of his blood to make a witch compass that points uptown where the warlock’s been talking to satan through a hack psychic. He rips out her eyeballs and uses them for GPS to track down the missing pages and Redferne and Kassandra end up chasing the flying warlock all over the countryside. They find him in an Amish farmhouse where Redferne harpoons him with a weathervane and a Mennonite helps locks him down with some chinese finger traps. The Warlock escapes of course (if only the amish had a taser!) and hops a plane back to an old Boston cemetary. The same cemetary where the corpse of Redferne holds the final pages of Grimore in his boney little hands. So it’s a battle to save the universe in a demon/fur trapper cage match on holy ground! One of the better witch on the run films, Warlock had some great fx for the time and it maybe the best flying British witch movie since Mary Poppins. Definitely check it out and don’t forget to bring the anti-warlock salt.

roadside attractions

  • Finger hacking
  • Grave robbing
  • Eyeball spiking
  • Tongue frying
  • Weather vane harpooning
  • Fat guzzling
  • Freefalling warlocking
  • Eyeball GPS
  • Extreme insulin injections
  • Gerriatric mini-skirts
  • Toe and thumbscrew
  • Rawhide chewin’
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

a decent amount of bodily leakage mostly from the eye sockets

0

blood

BREASTS

No nudity but there is a lot of fur.

9

beast

BEASTS

1 demonic possession of Satan, 1 warlock,  and a a large amount of beards

9.5 OVERALL
dripper

Watch the trailer for “Warlock”

trailers

dripper
Jul

Comments Off on Sexcula

Tremors

Sexcula is one of those rare movies where I didn’t know what to expect and when I saw it, it was nothing that I expected… although that’s not necessarily a good thing. For starters, Sexcula could be classified as porn or horror spoof (although not a comedy, at least intentionally), which should have been evident from the classy, vague tagline, “She’ll suck more than your blood.” I have no idea what they could mean… Not to say my expectations were high with this film.

It begins, strangely enough, with a scenic drive, accompanied by some soft, light hearted jazz. I notice that this was kind of a theme in the seventies. Anything to establish how mellow that generation was. Anyone ever seen The Touch of Satan? Anyway, it follows that stale formula of someone inherits a creepy old house and they find an old diary of the previous owner (I’m sure you’re more than familiar with it). So after some girl tells her boyfriend with some serious mutton chops that she, “Heard some stories that would curl your pubes,” about the house (classy dialogue, nothing short of poetry), they decide to go on a picnic and read from the diary. Come along, shall we?

As he begins to read, we learn that Dr. Fallatingstein (…really) created a man. This comes as no shock to the man reading the diary, by the way. Not as an incredible discovery in science or reading the ramblings scribbled in a book by a raving lunatic. Since I have it stopped right here, let’s take a look at the plot so far. A mad scientist that created life; sounds more like Frankenstein than Dracula to me. Oh, the guys name is Frank. Huh. I guess Sexenstein doesn’t sound as good. This reminds me of how The Howling 2 confused vampires with werewolves. I know it’s stupid to complain about acting in a porno spoof, but her line delivery is like a third grade reading aloud, trying to learn to read. I’m sorry, but I’m supposed to buy that this person can craft arteries, but can’t convincingly sell me on how ecstatic she should be that she just created life? Seriously, I’m not asking for an Oscar clip, but ANY emotion would do.

So she created man and what for? To have sex with, what else? Only problem is, he can’t get it up. And being a doctor, she clearly can’t help with this situation. Only her cousin, the Countess Sexcula can fix it (and yes, this is all the exposition). And so, we are surprisingly unexpectedly thrown right into the middle of a sex scene. The film actually cuts to her as she is halfway performing filatio. If you weren’t sure this was porn, like I was, considering this a rude awaking.

Sexcula spends the remainder of the film cutting back and forth between trying to have sex with Frank to out of place sex scenes. One of the most odd and probably the most unsexy thing in a film I have ever seen is when this film’s version of Igor, name Orgie (again… really?) tries to have sex with this robotic woman laying on a table in the basement, tied to some mad scientist concoction, when out of nowhere, a gorilla, or a man in a gorilla suit, chases Orgie and deflowers his buttocks. Okay, I have no idea what is going on. Were people watching this to be turned on or did the filmmakers think that the movie was getting too serious and needed some comic relief?

So back to the drawing board as the Dr. Fallatingstein and Sexcula try to figure out what’s wrong with Frank. They do this, of course, by “Putting more science into it.” Yes, actual line of dialogue. This is back when anything could be done with the vague description of ‘science.’ They do this by injecting him with sex cells. Huh, guess you learn something new every day.

Then there is this. Out of nowhere (seems to be a theme in this movie), there is a twenty minute sex scene, taking place during a wedding at a church. Even after it’s done, they rely heavily on this as filler, because it keeps cutting back to it. This brings to light all the production issues that plagued this movie, which is totally surprising that production issues were even a problem in porn spoofs. They try to add some narration over it, a desperate final editing trick to try and tie everything together. If you’re watching this for plot, like I was, do yourself a favor and disregard this part. The film will actually make more sense.

So guess how the movie ends? Sexcula ‘fixes’ Frank’s problem and everyone has sex. Everyone. Frank, Dr. Fallatingstein, Sexcula, Orgie, the robot chick, those other people from the other porn that were spliced in… the gorilla. It’s tugs at the heart strings and gives one a feeling of inner peace, like everything will work out and be ok.

This is one of those cases where the filmmakers know that their audience isn’t watching the movie for a plot and only for sex scenes, which is usually fine in this genre, but that’s where the problem is; the sex scenes aren’t sexy! So by plot and porno standards, Sexcula misses the mark, big time. One thing I can say positively about the movie is that the set design is actually pretty well done and very gothic influenced of the films it’s trying to knock off. The castle is dark and creepy, littered with dust covered machinery with wires everywhere hooked up to all sort of things. The lighting is like something out of a Giallo, with bright fluorescent color painting most of the scenes.

For being a porno, it sure didn’t feel like one. After all, aren’t they supposed to be sexy or arousing? This came off more as awkward and honest, kinda unappealing. Even for a horror spoof, there was nothing ‘horror’ about it, other than her name is a sexual derivation of Dracula… which is another misconception about the film. Sexcula actually follows the plot of Frankenstein closer than it does Dracula! Well I can say for certain this is a film that can deliver on its tagline.

roadside attractions

  • Mutton chop madness.
  • The names are punny!
  • Take a shot every time you think a different porno was spliced in.
  • Unsexy sex.
  • Monkeying around.
totals

0

blood

BLOOD

Not a single drop of that particular fluid… This movie doesn’t suck blood, but it sucks… yeah, you get the point.

7

blood

BREASTS

If there is one thing in this film, it’s certainly that.

4

beast

BEASTS

A gorilla, Orgie, seventies body hair and the acting.

3.6 OVERALL
dripper

I can’t find an appropriate trailer for “Sexcula,” so enjoy this Synapse Films bumper instead!

trailers

dripper
Mar

Comments Off on Rage

rage

Whenever I want to talk about this movie, I want to yell, “RAAAAGE!” much like those Surge commercials back in the day. Possibly while skydiving, devouring a bag of Dorito’s and slamming a 24 oz. of Mountain Dew and you know something? That’s not a far off description from the movie. This movie is seriously EXTREEEEEME! Everything gets shot, shatters and explodes or gets a roundhouse kick to the dome… mostly in slow motion.

This plot actually shares something similar with 28 Days Later, believe it or not. This evil corporation (is there ever a good one?), Westech, is experimenting with a rage type virus on monkeys and then on illegal immigrants to create the perfect batch of super soldiers. So, shove off Steve Rogers, you shmuck! You see, this shady cop working with Westech by rounding up illegal immigrants for them to run their experiments. But, one of these round ups goes sour and one of these illegal immigrants who’s been supplying Westech with illegal immigrants (I know, just stay with me) decides to start a firefight and flees the scene. He happens to hijack family man and second grade teacher, Alex Gainer, played by the arse kicking brit, Gary Daniels.

Kelly kidnaps Gainer and says since he’s a limey, he’ll work fine for the experiments and claiming, “He don’t speak no good English.” Since Gainer just happens to be in peak physical condition, they all go along with it. No need to run any other tests to see if he has any health conditions or diseases. They just inject him with some unknown liquid to make him go crazy, so there is no need to train him on survival skills or how to use weapons. But shoot, wouldn’t luck have it, Alex also happens to be a martial arts expert, flips his poop switch after the injection and escapes… but not before beating the pulp out of everyone or filling them full of bullet holes! And what would any good action scenes be if they didn’t have nameless thugs being thrown dozens of feet from an explosion in slow-motion? Did you miss that part? Don’t worry. It happens like a thousand more times.

Alex is an unstoppable killing machine! Until Kelly tazers his nards. That’ll put anything down. However, it doesn’t last long as he manages to flee these villains on foot in dark after they threw him in the trunk of a car. They didn’t even get in the car to chase him. I believe the excuse they had was, “It’s too dark to see.” Hmm, well good thing you didn’t come prepared by bringing flashlights. Then you would have to do some work.

Next comes a long and destructive car chase scene, using a tractor trailer, reminding one of Terminator 2. Alex manages to hijack a semi in order to plow through a barricade. Let the carnage begin! This seriously goes on for at least fifteen minutes. Every police car and another tractor trailer that tries to stop Alex get smashed, exploded, and flipped through the air. He causes so much destruction, that a car literally flies about thirty feet in the air, doing flips, landing and exploding. Only the beefiest of men could do something like that. This scene concludes when Kelly, being the caring soul he is, commandeers a school bus and tries to take down Alex head-on, but Alex, being the nimble, ninja skilled, school teacher he is, surfs on top of the truck and leaps from it as it crashes into the bus and explodes. Don’t worry, he made it out of that situation without a scratch. Kelly on the other hand…

After this comes the film’s greatest fight scene, or maybe one of the best fight scenes in a movie ever. Alex stumbles into a random home like a hopped up hobo and begins rummaging through the refrigerator, ramming day old chicken, milk and tomato juice into his face. While all of this is going on, mind you, the owner of the house is upstairs with his dominatrix. Both of them leather bound… all while Flight of the Valkyries plays on the radio. Not since Apocalypse Now has that song sent chills down man’s spine and instilled images of chaos and violence into our minds. But to answer your burning question, yes the dominatrix does get punched in the face.

rageBy now, you’re starting to sense a pattern: Action beat, exposition, action beat, exposition and so on. There is a journalist and his cameraman (or lady in this case) who aren’t really given much to do except question the antagonists in this flick, as the duo sets out to prove that Alex is innocent. Which I do have to question at this point: When does it stop being self defense after you gunned down countless thugs, beat up a dozen or more cops, crashed more vehicles than The Dukes of Hazzard and caused more property damage than Godzilla? Eh, he’s just a good guy trying to prove he’s innocent!

The film adds another villain, kind of a crooked federal agent, who is trying to bring Alex back to the lab. In the process of trying to accomplish said mission, he punches Alex’s wife in the face. Everyone gets beat up in this movie. I’m surprised nobody took a swing at his daughter. I would have loved to see her do a slow motion roundhouse kick to some dudes stomach. That would have been baller, son. Also, one of the best stunts in the movie takes place on a skyscraper with Gary Daniels dangling from it and falling as he is trying to escape someone from a helicopter shooting at him. But, luckily he lands on his feet without a twisted ankle or scratch and runs off to the next action scene.

To conclude this review that has possibly gone on too long, for a movie that seems like it should have been simple to write about, I found myself having a lot to say. Sure, the script serves as a purpose to get actor Gary Daniels from action beat to the next and he doesn’t deliver any action movie one liners, but holy crap… the action is awesomely over the top! I found myself completely entertained this entire flick and (as much as I hate to use this expression, so I will change it just a bit) I found myself at the edge of my uncomfortable futon.

The film does suffer from questionable editing from time to time (you’ll know it once you see it) and the even though the film had a climatic end movie shoot out, it felt like the final showdown between hero and villain was weak. Trust me; it doesn’t go down at all how you think it would. Also, most of Alex’s dialogue is, “BLEEEH! YAGGHHH! ARGH! UMPH!” You get the idea. But if you love cheesy films that have better action than most movies now, and I know you do, watch this. Heck, even if you don’t you should still watch this.

roadside attractions

  • Slo-Mo EXPLO!
  • Take a shot every time someone flies from an explosion in slo-mo
  • Take a shot every time Gary Daniels is grunting.
  • Roundhouse-O-Rama.
  • Tractor Troubles.
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Squibs and scratches, but more than enough explosions to keep your inner arsonist happy.

4

blood

BREASTS

Just Gary Daniels glistening, sweaty chesticles.

8

beast

BEASTS

Gary Daniels annihilating everything in site.

8.1 OVERALL
dripper

Check out this trailer from “Rage”

trailers

dripper
Feb

Comments Off on Freaked (A guest review by Experiment 42)

Experiment 42

He was born 3 days after the introduction of the IBM PC, the offspring of an alien and a maniac. He runs on DOS. Raised on the isle of Zaxxon on a steady diet of Mail Order Monsters. Has 20 imaginary friends all named Vic, a secret girlfriend called Lisa, and even an imaginary pet platypus he calls “The Commodore”. Nocturnal by nature, must wear prescription eyewear to prevent blindness. Has an eye for Adventure, no stranger to Combat, (even the occasional Joust). Built a teleporter at age 11. Spent most of his teens and twenties watching and collecting movies in order to better assimilate human culture. Lost Highway now proudly brings Experiment 42’s review of Freaked. Time to get your freak on!

freaked

So, you are visiting a third world country, happen to be on the back roads and see misspelled signs for a freak show. Of course you would need to go visit it right? Well, that is what 3 dupes do. Upon seeing that it is run by Randy Quaid, they decide, sure, it’s safe to go into the secret warehouse. That’s when it all goes wrong for our … ‘heroes’? With the help of a Commodore 64, and some kind of radioactive fertilizer they are turned into hideous freaks to be displayed for the paying public of “Santa Flan”.

Ricky Coogan (Alex Winter from Bill and Ted) a sleazy, former child actor, and Ernie (Michael Stoyanov of Blossom) his lackey friend, fly Pan Am to Santa Flan [named for the patron saint of creamy desserts] to help promote the use of banned chemical fertilizer Zygrot 24. There they are met by a swarm of protesters let by Julie (Megan Ward of Trancers II/III) who they convince to ride with her to pelt Coogan with Insults and Cow crap.

On their journey Ricky eventually blows his cover and argues with Julie until a string of signs leads them to Elijah C. Skuggs Freek Land, a local freakshow. Skuggs [Randy Quaid] tricks all three into visiting his secret warehouse. After being transformed by something that looks like a green slime akin to Nickelodeon’s Double Dare, Ricky, Ernie and Julie meet all of the freaks created by Skuggs.

freakedA man with a giant nose, a crescent wrench turned into a hammer, a bearded lady (played by Mr. T), a frog man, the Eternal Flame (A Man with constant flaming flatulence), a man whose head has been turned into a sock puppet, a cow cowboy, a human worm, and Ortiz the dog boy (played by the uncredited Keanu Reeves). They come up with a plan to escape Skuggs’s machinations. First dodging Mr. Toad, and two Rastafarian machine gun toting eyball robots. Then the additional transformation of Ricky into a super freak. I was still waiting to hear Skuggs utter “Shi***** full”.

Honestly, you need to watch it to know whether you will enjoy it or not, but it is the quintesscential B-Movie. C-List actors, lots of foam rubber, puns, and cameos.

roadside attractions

  • Rabid Dog Boy Knife Fight
  • MACHINE GUN RASTAFARIAN EYEBALL ROBOTS
  • Petting and Heavy Petting Zoo
  • The world’s loudest styrofoam cup
  • President of the United States Larry Bud Melman
  • Outhouse built like a TARDIS
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Head Spiked like a football after being removed with one’s bare hands.
Man Impaled with I Like Ike Placard
Bob Vila hit in the head with a hammer.
Brooke Shields riddled with bullets. Twice.
College Professor Crushed in a Riot. Twice.

0

blood

BREASTS

The closest we come to seeing any skin is just post transformation of JulieErnie, and just prior the miming of extra chest-al equipment.

5

beast

BEASTS

All of the Freaks
A Really Big Shoe
Two Headed Chicken

7.0 OVERALL
dripper

Check out this trailer for “Freaked”

trailers

dripper
Jul

Comments Off on Showdown in Little Tokyo

I am from the future. Things are different there. For one thing, Dolph Lundgren is as important an historical figure as Leonardo Da Vinci. A sample of his resume: Black belt in Karate; Masters in chemical engineering; Fulbright scholar at MIT; Bouncer at glamorous NYC dance club; Male model; U.S. Olympic pentathlete (non-competing); Actor; Writer; Director; Artist. One time, masked burglars broke into his home without knowing its owner. They tied up his wife and child, but upon noticing his photograph on the mantle they realized they were robbing Dolph Lundgren and fled in terror. He is a polymath. A renaissance man. A Thomas Jefferson or a Benjamin Franklin. Except where Benjamin Franklin discovered the nature of electric current, Dolph Lundgren discovered that a man of muscle could make an obscene amount of money by starring in inexpensive direct-to-VHS action movies.

While there are more famous Dolph Lundgren films, “Showdown in Little Tokyo” is undoubtedly the greatest Dolph Lundgren movie. I don’t mean because it has his best acting (that would be “Universal Soldier”). In fact, Brandon Lee (“The Crow”) completely overpowers Dolph with the sheer force of his charisma. Much has already been said for the late Brandon Lee’s talent, but that guy was a Movie Star.

The reason “Showdown” is the greatest Dolph Lundgren movie is that it contains everything you want out of a Lundgren vehicle: guns, exploding cars, boobs (Tia Carrere!, or rather her body double), homosexual subtext, Dolph shirtless, and awesome one-liners. Although Brandon Lee cockily saunters through the movie, maliciously setting bad guys on fire and stealing the show, even he can learn from Dolph. Dolph is the Master. We are all his pupils.

I’m not even going to attempt to summarize the plot. It doesn’t matter. Don’t even worry about how it’s physically impossible for Dolph to jump over that moving car. Don’t stress your pretty head about how he has infinite ammo. Why does Brandon compliment Dolph on the size of his manhood? Wouldn’t you when confronted by full Lundgren? This movie rules. It is essential viewing for all you numbskulls.

The Lessons from “Showdown in Little Tokyo”:

-Dolph and Brandon are in love.

roadside attractions

  • Dolph Lundgren, you wussies
  • Tia Carerre’s naked body double
  • Brandon Lee, RIP!
  • Yakuza decapitations
  • Electrified Mattress Torture
  • Hollywood racism
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

You can always safely count on Dolph to give you some middle-of-the-road 1990s action movie violence. The best naked bathhouse tattoo knife fight since Eastern Promises

9

blood

BREASTS

Tia Carrere is technically naked in this, but it is pretty obviously her body double. Also, Nyotaimori (Don’t google that word at work.)

7

beast

BEASTS

Under-appreciated 90’s b-movie heavy Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa randomly stabs or decapitates someone every five minutes

9 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Showdown in Little Tokyo”

trailers

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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>