Archive for the 'Bad movie' Category

Jul

Comments Off on Showdown in Little Tokyo

I am from the future. Things are different there. For one thing, Dolph Lundgren is as important an historical figure as Leonardo Da Vinci. A sample of his resume: Black belt in Karate; Masters in chemical engineering; Fulbright scholar at MIT; Bouncer at glamorous NYC dance club; Male model; U.S. Olympic pentathlete (non-competing); Actor; Writer; Director; Artist. One time, masked burglars broke into his home without knowing its owner. They tied up his wife and child, but upon noticing his photograph on the mantle they realized they were robbing Dolph Lundgren and fled in terror. He is a polymath. A renaissance man. A Thomas Jefferson or a Benjamin Franklin. Except where Benjamin Franklin discovered the nature of electric current, Dolph Lundgren discovered that a man of muscle could make an obscene amount of money by starring in inexpensive direct-to-VHS action movies.

While there are more famous Dolph Lundgren films, “Showdown in Little Tokyo” is undoubtedly the greatest Dolph Lundgren movie. I don’t mean because it has his best acting (that would be “Universal Soldier”). In fact, Brandon Lee (“The Crow”) completely overpowers Dolph with the sheer force of his charisma. Much has already been said for the late Brandon Lee’s talent, but that guy was a Movie Star.

The reason “Showdown” is the greatest Dolph Lundgren movie is that it contains everything you want out of a Lundgren vehicle: guns, exploding cars, boobs (Tia Carrere!, or rather her body double), homosexual subtext, Dolph shirtless, and awesome one-liners. Although Brandon Lee cockily saunters through the movie, maliciously setting bad guys on fire and stealing the show, even he can learn from Dolph. Dolph is the Master. We are all his pupils.

I’m not even going to attempt to summarize the plot. It doesn’t matter. Don’t even worry about how it’s physically impossible for Dolph to jump over that moving car. Don’t stress your pretty head about how he has infinite ammo. Why does Brandon compliment Dolph on the size of his manhood? Wouldn’t you when confronted by full Lundgren? This movie rules. It is essential viewing for all you numbskulls.

The Lessons from “Showdown in Little Tokyo”:

-Dolph and Brandon are in love.

roadside attractions

  • Dolph Lundgren, you wussies
  • Tia Carerre’s naked body double
  • Brandon Lee, RIP!
  • Yakuza decapitations
  • Electrified Mattress Torture
  • Hollywood racism
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

You can always safely count on Dolph to give you some middle-of-the-road 1990s action movie violence. The best naked bathhouse tattoo knife fight since Eastern Promises

9

blood

BREASTS

Tia Carrere is technically naked in this, but it is pretty obviously her body double. Also, Nyotaimori (Don’t google that word at work.)

7

beast

BEASTS

Under-appreciated 90’s b-movie heavy Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa randomly stabs or decapitates someone every five minutes

9 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Showdown in Little Tokyo”

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Nov

posted by Barry Goodall | November 14, 2011 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Bad movie, Review by Barry Goodall, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Yor: The Hunter from the Future

A greasy guy in a loin cloth fights dinosaurs, purple cavemen and rock em’ sock em’ robots in Yor: The Hunter from the future. Action crap extrodinaire Steve Banton stars as Yor in one of the few films where the ending is actually given away in the title. Yor is a meat headed weight trainer who may actually be the first post apocalyptic redneck that doesn’t drive a firebird. He’s out frolicking in the desert when he finds some cave people getting attacked by a paper machete setgasuaurus and we all know how vicious plant eaters can be. After a few tucks and rolls and a stone axe to the noggin’ he calls a touchdown, drinks the dino’s blood and tells everyone to gather “the choice cuts of meat.” Yor only eats free range dinosaur meat.

One of the survivors is a woman named Kala who dresses in fur bikinis and likes dumb doughy guys in golden mullets. She wants to get busy with Yor, so she takes him back to their village where she shakes her money maker at a dino-death party. This seems to only confuse Yor’s pea sized brain and attracts some purpled faced caveman that attack that kidnap everyone including Yor’s new squeeze. They throw him off a cliff by which he miraculously survives with only a few minor scraps and bruises so he and the old sweaty guy hand glide into the purple guys home cave with a gigantic dead bat. Yor kung-fu kicks some cavemen in the crotch and then floods the cave with river water killing as many woman and children possible just before rescuing Kala. He hates anyone that he can easily bench press. They head up river on a boat strapped together with some hemp rope hoping maybe there’s a grateful dead concert upstream and are captured by some sand people wrapped in oily rags roasting marshmallows.

The sand people take them to their leader, Rowa a pretty young blonde who also wears a giant rapper medallion identical to Yors. She’s been baby-sitting some astronauts who’ve been trapped in ice in the caves making astro-slushies. After avoiding a decapitation and fighting some more sand people off, Yor invites Rowa on the trip with them to try to discover the secret of his origins. Sadly Rowa gets killed by more purple cavemen who show up after a brief cat fight she has with Kala. It ends all too quickly and with no mud or lime jello.

Yor gets the smack down on another dinosaur attacker whose survivors take him to yet another village. It felt like the movie might actually be starting over again, but then some spaceships show up and start blasting everyone in the village. Yor seems to have that luck. After the carnage, Yor

Yor The Hunter from the Futurepromises to avenge their death by sailing on a boat made of wicker and bat guano to the island where the attackers came from. They get stun zapped by slow moving robots and guys that look like sting dressed in teflon jumpsuits. The island is run by a dark overlord whose plan is to have Yor and Kala breed with his new cyborgs to create a new master race and a whole lotta akward after sex small talk.  Yor is helped to escape by a temp worker there where he joins a resistance against the cyborgs in their basement furnace room. Guard rails are a plenty to toss robots over. There’s a nuclear reactor and a robot caveman battle with lasers, trapeze acts and somewhere a guy in a cloak is impaled with a barber shop pole. That pretty much sums er’ up. Barry Goodall says it’s worth checking out if ya got a hankerin’ for communal living and sweaty old guys on hemp rafts..but then again you’re probably already a dang dirty hippie.

roadside attractions

  • impromptu trapeze acts
  • bat hand gliding
  • high beam hand glow
  • crystal balls with premium cable
  • death by barber pole
  • weenie roast attacks
  • dinosaur rodeos
  • astronauts on ice
  • rock em sock em robots
  • dino blood energy drinks
  • extreme theme music
totals

3

blood

BLOOD

Mostly from paper machet dinosaurs.

6

blood

BREASTS

Cleavage is plentiful but is mostly covered by fur and giant medallions. I blame PETA.

9

beast

BEASTS

Dinosaurs, purple cavemen, giant bats and robots. It’s like a kid’s toy box got dumped out all over this movie.

6.00 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Yor: The Hunter from the Future”

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Oct

Comments Off on Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice

Children of the Corn 2

Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice has all the ingredients for making a good b-movie. It’s got demonic possession, impalement, old people, creepy kids….. oh and corn, plenty of corn. In fact, Children of the Corn 2 has way more corn cobs than should be allowed by either the MPAA or the FDA. So much corn, It would actually make a better stew than a movie.

Taking place 8 years after the killing spree in Gatlin, the psycho-amish kids have been deported to the nearby town of Hemmingford for some rest and rehab. The folks there decided to adopt them all which is mighty neighborly, except for the fact the kids killed every adult at the last place they lived. A reporter, John Garrett (Terrence Knox) and his son, Danny are on a road trip and learn about the massacre from a news crew who later get impaled by corn stalks through their van window. Little known fact, Nebraskian corn stalks are extremely durable, used to frame up modular homes and build bridges.

Children of the Corn 2John and Danny were hoping to find a truck stop to get some puffy hats with filthy sayings on em’ but run into some local hotties crusing in a mustang instead. Angela who owns a nearby bed and breakfast for drifters and actor has-beens while Lacey is an exhibitionist that likes to shower under waterfalls for any passer-bys. John wastes no time and gets busy with the B&B lady  while Danny fails to even get to first base with Lacey, his incredible blandess barely edging out the fact he still has all his teeth. Meanwhile, Mikah a satanic hipster in a suit vest goes all dark emperor one night when electric lights shoot out of his hands and he commands the children to make sacrifices to “He who walks behind the rows.” They end up crushing an old lady under a house, overdosing a mortician, and giving a guy a nosebleed. It’s not even a fair fight.

John finally begins to suspects something is wrong when a mysterious indian named Frank Redbear (not his real name) shows him a rock drawing and talks about vengeful spirits, homocidal indian kids and casinos as far as the eye can see. John digs Frank’s no-nonsense approach to rock storytellin’ and together they uncover the town’s deadly secret. The town’s corn supply has been releasing a toxin into the water  that could be turning kids into crazed killers. Unfortunately before they can let anyone know the truth, they get tied up by the deputy  leaving them in a field to be ran over by a corn harvester.

Children of the Corn 3

Back at the B&B, Mikah convinces Danny that his crappy attitude is all his dad’s fault and tries to get him to join their jr. league satanic cult. Danny is easily swayed by people shorter than him so he attends their initiation where they demand he sacrifice his not-so-virgin girlfriend to their demon god, an aggressive field mole. John and Redbear escape the harvester  just in time stop Danny from stabbing Lacey but then the indian gets killed with a bow and arrow ironically and all hell breaks loose. In the end, good still triumphs over evil and they ceremonially burn Redbear in the middle of a field letting him return to the spirit world while watching 1000’s of acres accidentally burn to a crisp.

….and somewhere an indian sheds a tear.

Children of the corn 2  is a bountiful crop of crap, a cornucopia of bad, but I suppose you can give it a try if there’s nothing on the Food Network to watch. Barry Goodall says “If you build it, they will come….but if you make a bad sequel to a mediocre Stephen King film then it shall go directly to video.”

roadside attractions

  • syringe death
  • severed hand
  • house crushing
  • extreme nose bleeding
  • death by corn cob
  • impalement by corn stalks
  • throat ripping
  • death by hypodermic needles
  • house burning
  • old lady crushing
  • wheel chair remote control
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

gallons…most of it from one guys nose

6

blood

BREASTS

plenty of cleavage and extreme gawking but don’t go chasing waterfalls

3

beast

BEASTS

demon kids, a pesky demon mole and a mean lady in a wheel chair

3.00 OVERALL
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Sep

Comments Off on Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama

Call me a nay sayer, say I was a doubter. I gotta admit that I didn’t think it was possible to top some of our country’s best combos. Mustard and vienna sausages , chicken and waffles, Starsky and Hutch, but  Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama maybe the perfect combo of gawkin’ at half naked woman and drunk bowling on a Friday night.

It all starts when 3 horny geeks want a sneak  peak at a sorority initiation lead by Robin Rochelle. She’s a 38 year old co-ed still trying to pass her freshman year but she has a hankering for paddlin’ some hinnies and covering pledges in whip cream. You just don’t see that sorta behavior  with soccer moms anymore. She catches the peeping toms who were all just watching them shower sans-luffas for what seems like a good hour. The I-felta-thi sorority has a very active bowling league so she sends the nerds and the pledges out to steal a bowling trophy and prove their worth. After breaking into the bowling alley they run into Linnea Quigly whose nearly unrecognizable fully clothed. She plays “Spider” a convict trying to rob the joint with a crow bar and a few well placed f-bombs. The gang grabs a trophy but accidentally lets out a demonic imp with the voice of Don Cornelius who’s been trapped inside for the last 30 years. The jive talking monster midget grants them each a wish and a chance to win a guest spot on Soul Train. Their wishes involve being queen of the prom, bars of gold and Michelle Bauer getting nekkid… but hey, who hasn’t had that same wish?

It all suddenly goes bad though when the imp turns some of the girls into demonic minions with bad skin and a hankerin’ for evil. They cram a fat guy’s head into a ball polishing machine and deep fries another guy’s face in the fry cooker taking time out to  pick up a few spares with a severed head. Spider and her new nerd boyfriend must fight their way out  with the help of a partially deaf janitor and put a stop to the evil muppet’s plans of world domination by stuffing him in a coffee can. If they can’t, it could be a fate far worse than death…a movie sequel. Sorority Babes is a fun 80’s throwback to when the jocks were dumb and the bimbos were big breasted. Barry Goodall says check it out and don’t forget to bring your bowling shoes and some 10 pound balls.

If you got 10 pound balls, how did you walk to the videostore so fast? That joke never gets old.

Roadside Attractions:

– Gratuitous spank-athon
– Whip cream-tastic
– Extensive use of a crowbar
– Magic demon trophy
– Head polishing
– Face frying
– Girl pulled in half like a pulled pork sandwich
– Flaming bimbos
– Severed head roll and bowl
– Evil imp impalement
– Car crash with roll

it’s the booooooooowwwwlll-train.

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Sep

posted by Barry Goodall | September 13, 2011 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Bad movie, Review by Die-Anne Takillya

Comments Off on The Dead Matter

There isn’t enough witty banter in the world to lead you into this one, and besides that if one more plot element got introduced, I think you’d turn on me.

We’re talking The Dead Matter, a film by Midnight Syndicate, which I’m sure most of you are familiar with. Their music is awesome, and nobody disputes that. This movie has gotten glowing reviews all over the place, but unfortunately I can’t quite echo those sentiments, though I can say this is a better movie than some I’ve watched recently (I’m looking at you, Inheritance.) I had the pleasure of meeting the writer, Ed Douglas at the Cinema Wasteland convention back in April, and I can say with certainty that he is one highly creative dude. This movie proves that with extra to spare.

I’m going to break this down as best I could follow it. There are, that I counted, at least 4 different plotlines flowing through this mother, and I’m going to outline them here:

1. There is an amulet that allows the wearer to control the dead, and it’s in the hands of an evil vampire who wants the zombie hordes to be his army. Vampire hunters are trying to get it away from him and into the sacred woods of Ohio to dispel the evil.

2. A girl is in extreme mourning over her brother, and will resort to desperate measures to get him back, including witchcraft and the use of any amulets she happens to find in the sacred woods of Ohio.

3. War has broken out in the vampire community between those who cling to the old ways, and those who embrace change and the modern world. The ringleader of the modern vampires and the old school vampire go back and forth about the merits of real blood vs. synthetic vampire drugs.

4.Scientists are developing a weight loss drug that has an unfortunate side effect: Vampirism. Mayhem ensues.

All of these plot lines crash around the amulet, and left me wanting.

It’s like eating a casserole that’s got too much going on; it’s enjoyable, you’ll eat it without a problem, but there’s something that’s just not right about it. Take out the extras, and give me one solid dish. Any one of those stories would have been amazing. Sadly, mixing them all together, no matter how skillfully they segue into one another, just didn’t work. Maybe I’m a simple woman, I like chocolate chip cookies, but not chocolate chip cookies with walnuts and coconut; maybe this one was too sophisticated for me. But I’d rather watch vampires duke it out with hunters for the fate of humanity, or a girl getting her just desserts for not letting the dead rest, or even the drug. I love the drug plotline, and that was the thinnest one of them all. I leave out the vampire war plotline simply because I’m a little burnt out on the old fangsters. Maybe if the acting, while not lacking in star power, I mean, Tom Savini, Andrew Divoff, and Jason Carter are awesome, but the surrounding characters gave them nothing to play with. Gretchen, the mourning girl, had one of those annoying soft squeaky voices and looked almost bored the whole time.

The saving grace for this movie is it’s technical side. The movie is absolutely beautiful. Lighting, music, sets, shots, editing…this sumbish is sharp. You can tell how much love the filmmakers have for the genre from the opening shot. The special effects were largely practical and were spot on. Vampires ripping peoples gutsacks open, zombies falling apart all over the place, fridges full of meat coming to life and wiggling all over, too many dead bodies to count, realistic fighting scenes… its good stuff! If the stories had been given more room to grow, and I know this is a remake, but take out one or two elements here, and perhaps I’d be singing a different tune. I could see each of those plots as a Creepshow-style anthology series, wrap each one around the amulet or whatever you need to do, but tell the whole story, don’t just give me this, oh and then this too, then that, oh, and we can’t forget that! By the time it was over, I was scratching my head, and having to watch it again only to not really get any of my questions answered.

At any rate, you have to watch it at least once, if nothing for the scene where the amulet has attached itself to Gretchen’s chest and she makes her friend’s hair attack her, because hair is dead except for the root. I have to give major credit to Ed and the rest of the Midnight Syndicate folks who made this movie independently and gave us something original to gnaw on for a while.

roadside attractions

  • Leftover-fu
  • amulet-fu
  • stake-fu
  • séance-fu
  • zombie-fu
  • pharmaceutical-fu
  • neck chomping
  • gut stomping
  • hair and nail attacks
  • sacred Ohio woods-fu
  • vampire war
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

8 quarts of the red stuff

0

blood

BREASTS

It was such a blur I can’t remember.

3

beast

BEASTS

Andrew Divoff and Tom Savini vampires, and Gretchen with the amulets

2.5 OVERALL
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Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>