As Pa Sixon used to say, “Does this look infected?” Wait. I mean, “Christmas ain’t about bein’ with people ya like. It’s about bein’ with family.” And bein’ with family is a main theme of the 1984 post-apocalyptic-zombie-horror-romance-comedy, Night of the Comet.

Christmas is around the corner for sunny California and Santa, or perhaps maybe the Krampus, is bringin’ one heck o’ a gift: a comet. We learn it is, more or less, the same comet what knocked out the dinosaurs 65 million years ago. Shoot, ya don’t a comet for that—just feed ‘em some of Ma Sixon’s tuna surprise served at room temperature. While everyone is partying about the comet (because I guess that is what you do in California), Regina (Catherine Mary Stewart) is stuck workin’ at the local movie theater—which involves beating a mysterious high score on Tempest and scoring with the projectionist in the booth (to use the film’s vernacular, “making it”). Ah, to be an 18 year old girl in the 80’s again.

Back home, Regina’s mouthy little sis, Sam (Kelli Maroney), gets slapped around by her step mom—who is throwin’ a comet party of her own. One problem: once the comet arrives, everyone outside is turned to dust. And those what ain’t turned to dust, are turned into zombies. Regina wakes up after a night o’ lovin’ to find the streets filled with piles of dust, and a dash of occasional zombie. A tender moment ensues when Regina finds Sam, now (thankfully) clad in a cheerleader outfit. In an effort to find survivors, the pair goes to the local radio station (which has more neon lights than a Blade Runner convention in Las Vegas). At the station, they meet future Star Trek Voyager regular, Hector (Robert Beltran). That’s right, Commander Chakotay comes to the rescue.

Uh, sort of. As we learn, the girls’ dad is in the military–he trained the pair how to fight and use guns, so they can handle themselves (although Sam wishes Hector would handle her).

Because the film was made in the ‘80s, we are treated to a shopping montage set to a non-Lauper version of Girls Just Want to Have Fun, while Regina and Sam have the run of the mall. This was a requirement for most ‘80s films, along with Steve Gutenberg. Meanwhile, there is a secret underground group, with a maze for a logo, keeping tabs on survivors. They decide to bring a few back to the base, and hilarity ensues. By which I mean, stuff gets blown up.

Deep down, Night of the Comet is about family: two sisters are on their own and realize, despite pissin’ each other off from time to time, they are all they have. The girls also realize they need to stick together with Hector if they want to survive (and Regina hopes her and Hector really stick together), and form a new family o’ sorts.

While fairly tame by today’s standards, there is enough blood and violence to go around, and Night of the Comet leans heavily toward the goofy side of the post-apocalyptic meter. Night of the Comet, like any quality b-movie, is a campy, blood-soaked hoot. Give this one a watch–just don’t forget yer hairspray and leotard.

neon lights leotards cheerleading outfit sunglasses at night shopping montage zombies future star trek actors retro video games exploding cars blood stealing keyboard whacking big hair bloody wrenches secret bases MAC-10s	6 BLOOD Not too bloody, but plenty it when it counts. 5 BREASTS While we never see Sam totally topless, she gets down to a bra in one scene, and jumps up and down in a nighty in another. 10 BEASTS Lots of zombie action, including kid zombies. 7.00 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Night of the Comet”

It’s a post turkeypocalypse and we’re giving away a signed copy of the best and only thanksgiving horror film, “Thankskilling” on DVD. It’s a great movie to gather the family around after deserts and before the in-laws break out the homemade whiskey. Just post your favorite thanksgiving memory and the funniest wins. Heck you can even make somethin’ up, we ain’tthe feds.  Check out our Lost Highway fan page for more details on how to win.

Now here’s the Doktor’s Review of Thankskilling for those of you that have woken up from your tryptophan coma.

Tagline: Gobble Gobble Mother F****r

Year: 2009 Runtime: 70 min

Director: Jordan Downey

Writer: Jordan Downey (writer), Kevin Stewart (writer), Bradly Schulz (additional dialogue), Anthony Wilson (additional dialogue) & Grant Yaffee (additional dialogue)

Starring: Wanda Lust, Natasha Cordova and Lindsey Anderson

A big bare breast is the first shot. BAM! Straight out the gate. This movie knows exactly who it’s for and where it’s going. Just so there is no confusion, this is NOT the film to pop in after the ball game on Thanksgiving. What the film is: pure fart jokes without the high-brow posturing. Take the “named” actress in the film, porn star Wanda Lust. Nothing says pure class like a second string porn star. And just to be cheeky, she plays a Puritan woman. This film is subtle as a ruptured testicle.

Everything about this movie oozes Grade B Government Cheese. And yet, I find it incredibly hard to believe that Troma had nothing to do with this film. Hmmm… but I digress.

The story is the usual hapless-college-kids-run-into-a-crazed-killer-in-the-woods schtick, but the twist is the killer in this film is a foul-mouthed turkey, named, quite ingeniously, Turkie. As the story goes, Turkie was necromanced by a powerful Native American magician to seek revenge for the indigenous peoples, flora and fauna of North America. When raised, Turkie only goes after the group of people he first encounters. Why? Uhm… Hey, there’s Milk Melons in the first shot!

How does one raise Turkie? Well, I’m glad I asked. There are two ways, and, as the filmmaker could never decide which he liked better, he left both in the film to further confuse and frustrate us. But, hey, there are Paw Patties right off the bat. The first explanation, he just comes back every 505 years in some kind of “now you don’t, now you see him” kind of thing. Granted, that doesn’t make much sense, and it REALLY doesn’t work out mathematically with the first Thanksgiving mentioned in the beginning… but then again, there were Dairy Dumplings in the first shot. The second explanation, someone’s dog can unwittingly pee on his totem pole. Wouldn’t you know it, right after them Sweet Sweater Spuds, we see a local redneck and his dog who are out… uhm… doing something, and the dog pees on this random miniature totem pole. The earth quakes, out shoots some blur and puppy falls down dead.

Oh, and hilarity ensues.

Now, I know that you’re asking yourself, “Hey, why does Turkie go after the college students when he is supposed to only go after the group of people he first encounters, i.e. the redneck and his dog?” To which the answer is: Juicy Jugs! In the first shot!

I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin all the artful expletives and complex plot, so I’ll end with this bit of teaser: Turkie dies in the end.

Still, the film closes with a title card that reads, “To be continued… IN SPACE!”

When I saw that the filmmaker had a Kickstarter project to fund Thankskilling 2 a few months back, I gladly sent my money. Stay tuned for more Turkie, and possibly more Num-Nums.

Rent-A-Center Ted Nugent as the hermit redneck Divorce announced by laying a turd in the coffee pot Cartoon flashback to tell the creation myth Turkie raping the hot brunette Flappy Funbags	8 BLOOD Head explosion, Turkie busting out of Fat Guy’s stomach, neck slit, tongue and heart pecked out, electric meat carver to the gut, face ripped off, etc 6 BREASTS Did I mention, Tig Ole’ Bitty is the FIRST SHOT of the film? 6 BEASTS Turkie the foul-mouthed hand o’ Native American vengence 6.00 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Thankskilling”

Tiger here — Well, for some dang reason, the titular ginger and the geek of Ginger and the Geek axed me to do an audio review o’er on their Listenin’ Show (AKA “podcast”).

If yer so inclined, you can listen to my audio review of Food of the Gods (’bout seven minutes) all on its own. Or, if you need help fallin’ asleep, you can listen to the full Ginger and the Geek episode (Lordy, ’bout 60 minutes).

I can’t says how much they spent on bribin’ my gov’ment overlords at the base to let this happen, but I imagine it’ll be a boring Christmas this year. Here’s a tip: paper airplanes: cheap, fun, pointy.

Enjoy. I think they worked out some kinda deal to torture feature me at least once a month.

What is up with all these pointless scientific studies lately. Scientists are getting millions of dollars to study the mating habits of woodchucks or the effects of injecting adrenaline into a pack of spider monkeys? I’d like to know how much wood a woodchuck could chuck too, but shouldn’t they be spending their time on more beneficial things like…oh…I don’t know..curing cancer or working on that whole global warming thing? Maybe I just don’t get it. I don’t truly understand the importance of measuring the distance and pressure involved in a penguin dropping or why woodpeckers don’t get headaches. Why the sky is blue? Why do fools fall in love? These studies make our world a safer and better place. So the government keeps racking up bigger credit debt but I say let’s take some of that money first and give it too somebody that really can do beneficial things with it. Someone that understands planning and fiscal responsibility. Yes namely me! Send me my million dollar grant in the mail soon Mr. Big Government spenders so I can finally buy my hovercraft, raise my army of DNA mind controlled dinosaurs, and  rule the world! bwahahah….or my parent’s basement… whichever comes first.

Speaking of poorly planned science projects, Dr. Paul Armstrong (Larry Blamire) has taken his very housewively wife, Betty (Fay Masterson) to the woods in search of a meteorite so that he can conduct some  “science” on it. Apparently, this was during a time when science didn’t really need to have any reason or specific purpose. Paul suspects it contains Atmospherium and much like the hair gel on John Stamos hair could reveal many dark secrets of the known universe. At around this same time a big burly fellow, Dr. Roger Flemming is out exploring the wilderness and cohorting with free range forest rangers at least when he’s not caught inner dialoging. Not sure what he’s a doctor of… flannel shirts perhaps, but he desperately needs Atmospherium so that he can resurrect a bleach white lab skeleton in a hidden cave. It’s like Kate Moss got lost on a camping trip. Roger believes the skeleton once resurrected will  help him rule the world… or maybe win the lotto and finally meet some girls.

Meanwhile, an alien spaceship from the planet Marva crash lands nearby and it’s silver jump suited space pilots, Crowbar and Lattice (named after a Home Depot sales ad) accidentally lose their pet mutant. Of course their cardboard ship also requires Atmospherium to fly so they also need to get the meteorite.

Paul and Betty using a battery volt meter find the small meteorite glowing like a passed out Tinker Bell in the grass and  takes it back to his mail order science lab at the cabin. Learning of this, Crowbar and Lattice use a modified corking gun to turn themselves into awkward 50’s fashion models so they can fool Betty and Paul or as they refer to them as “the pleasant entertaining monkeys.” Lattice enjoys her new inverted cloth funnels the humans call “a dress” and with Crowbar solve the mysteries of door handles.  Dr. Flemming  finds the left behind space gun and transmogrifies some woodland creatures into his date to take to the cabin (not legal in most states except Alabama and Utah.) He hopes bringing a date will make him less suspicious  but his new creation, Animala has all the dinner table manners of a Jack Russell Terrier in a beatnik bodysuit. She sniffs people, eats from a a dinner plate like it’s a pig trough, and picks gnats off of the guests for some neighborly grooming. Sounds like the perfect date to me. A door to door forest ranger also shows up with warnings of killer mutants. With all the plate licking and mutilation stories how will Paul ever get to do science?

Soon the Skeleton, fresh from a nap uses his super Aquaman-like powers to control Animala and help deliver him the meteorite thus giving the skeleton the ability to sit up and boss people around like a skinny union rep. Behold the mighty power of the fleshless! He demands that Lattice become his skeletal bride so they can make little thigh bones and femurs of their very own. Just then thee escaped mutant looking a bit like a deranged Muppet shows up and battles Skeletor to the death. He-man would be proud.

This could be the funniest spoof of vintage 50’s b-movies ever made with some obvious nods to “Plan 9 from Outerspace” and “Attack of the killer Shrews.” It  perfectly recreates the low budget feel and wooden acting from that golden era of schlocky cinema so check it out and be sure to keep a extra case of Atmoshperium in your cooler, just in case. I hear it’s worth a fortune.

Skeleton rock climbing Laser caulking guns Farmer mutilation Sciencing White people dancing Mutant wrestling Skeleteon-fu Dinner etiquette	0 BLOOD None and it’s black and white so you couldn’t tell anyways. 8 BEASTS A skeleton, a mutant, and Animala. 1 BREASTS Nothing but a slinky outfit from Animala. 9.15 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra”

Are you ready to blow a gasket because you just lost a bidding war on eBay for a copy of the Kung Fu laugh-fest 18 Bronze Girls Of Shaolin? If so, take a deep breathe, dial down your stress level several notches, and pull yourself together because we know where you can find this B-movie classic. The place is Super Strange Video which has become our movie store of choice for those rare, and often impossible to find B-movie video treasures. Whatever your taste in cult films are, we’re pretty sure they will have something for you. So, as soon as you finish reading this post be sure to visit Super Strange Video, and check out their impressive selection of B-movies, and TV shows from the 50’s to the 90’s. Also, don’t forget to tell them the guys from Lost Highway sent ya’.