Archive for the 'Comedy' Category


posted by admin | April 25, 2008 | 80's movies, B-movies, Chick-flix, Comedy, Drama

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The Last American Virgin

“Mr. Johnson’s gallstone sculptures not only frightened away customers but so did his permanent look of surprise from passing them.


In the early 80’s there started a trend of what I’ve termed the meat by-product movies. First there was Porky’s, Porky’s Revenge, Meatballs, then Hotdog and finally cam along Kentucky Fried Movie to deep fry it all together in it’s original recipe of seven herbs and spices. It was a cholesterol carousel of titles whose movie focus was crude humor, fart jokes, and adolescent guys trying to see boobies. Pretty much what I sum up as most of my high school experience… well and most of college.

So on my quest to find movies in the same genre I came across this little gem. At first when I saw this title I thought it said “The Last American Virginian” which I figured to be a History channel special about the presidency of Woodrow Wilson. To my surprise Woodrow Wilson turned out to be a Ralph Machio lookin’ bandanna wearin’ Italian kid in the 1980’s who catches a bad case of the crabs. The obsessive crotch grabbin’ made sense.

The Last American Virgin is the story of Gary (Lawrence Monoson) and his cohorts, Rick “gotta adjust my collar” and glandular-overactive David, affectionately named the “Big Apple” though I found him to be more of a pear shape myself then a round red apple. Gary’s blandness is only surpassed by his lack of personality while the rest of the guys are focused on trying to get laid or deliver some pink boxes of pizzas to housewives with bad Spanish accents. The first half of the movie is a series of lame joke setups for the pizza gigolos and opportunities to blare out some classic 80’s tunes. The plot writers must have been busy getting sleeping in that week.

Gary is in love with the curly haired girl from “Better of Dead”, Diane Franlin, except she’s in love with Gary’s best friend Rick. Diane’s character, Karin, doesn’t have a French accent this time and there’s no John Cusack asking her to fix his camaro, so this film is already more bearable. She shows little to no interest in Gary’s blandness most likely due to his alcoholism or inability to form coherent sentences . Gary wants to loose his virginity as soon as possible as if that would some how make him even more appealing to Karin, so he and his friends go find a hooker way past her expiration date that gives them all a bad case of crabs. Nothing says “will you be mine?” more than a VD. Then as if the director suddenly went on a sabbatical and a highschool drama teacher was flown in to take over, the movie takes a drastic bi-polar mood swing. From upbeat goofy teen comedy to soap drama in less than a second it’ll make your head spin. Karin suddenly gets pregnant from Rick at which point Rick breaks up with her not wanting anything to do with his new prego-girlfriend. Then Gary swoops in like a vampire from a rafter so that weepy eye Karin will have giant shoulder pad to cry on and he can put some of his bland moves on her. In order to help Karin he relocates her into his now dead grandmothers home and they play pretend family (uh….creepy!) He then sells his enormous wood grain stereo at a local pawn shop to help pay for her quickie drive-thru abortion, makes her breakfast, and buy her a pine tree a with a bag of oranges. Take note, 2 gifts not to bring to someone in the hospital. I really don’t want to give away the ending to this but WOW! A total downer and a big cold blast of reality for us viewers. But hey I admire a director with the steel kahunas to not sugar coat the consequences of teen sex and to not give us the stereotypical ending. No wonder this movie bombed in the box office. Their target demographic, horny guys, will laugh at the crude jokes, enjoy the boobies then after the ending go out and steer their car into a tree. Parents, you’ll want to lock your teens in the basement after you see this but I’d recommend giving it a view. Just be sure to wear protection.

Keep an eye out for….

-pink brady bunch station wagons
– sausage measuring assembly lines
– bike vandalism
– extreme devo
– sugar snorting diabetics
– nympho old Spanish housewives
– library rumbles
– illegal use of 80’s pop-up collars
– denim mania
– interpretive Spanish lessons
– emergency brake failure
– after glow upchucking

“When a VD comes along you must itch it…now itch it…itch it good.” – sung to the tune of Devo’s Whip it.

rated 6.5 out of 10 for the movie (I will give the last 20 minutes or so a 8.4)

Watch the trailer for “The Last American Virgin”


posted by admin | April 11, 2008 | 80's movies, Action, B-movies, Comedy, Cult Film, Cult movies, Kung-fu

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The Last Dragon

“I’m about to open a fortune cookie of Whoop Ass.

When you think Kung-fu masters you think names like Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Jet li, sometimes Chuck Norris if a drinking game is involved…uh maybe Daniel Larusso but only the one in Karate Kid II…oh and that chef at the Japanese Steak house. The way he spins those knifes and cut shrimp in the air you just know on the weekends he’s fighting evil. But now there enters a new 80’s Kung-fu hero, Leroy Green, a student of the martial arts seeking his own hi-pro glow, the apparent sign of achieving perfect kung-fu or being radioactive, whichever comes first. He also has an unhealthy obsession with Bruce Lee and smells a bit like pizza. Leroy’s family owns a Daddy Green’s pizzeria shop in Harlem while he teaches a pacifist karate class for kids, a sort of Shy-Goy-Dies branch of the Martial Arts. Where’s Mr. Miyagi when you need him? That old man could teach you karate and get a house painted, car waxed, and catch flies with chop sticks all in the same day.

Leroy thwarts an attempted kidnapping of a local celebrity, Laura, who hosts a dance show/space-camp party show called “7th Heaven” minus Jessica Biel of course. The only perquisite to get on the show is sufficient leg warmer coverage or a minimum frizzy hair size…actual dancers need not apply. Laura is played by Vanity, a spaced-out Janet Jackson wanna-be from the early 80’s who sang like she was doped up on Goofballs and was also Prince’s main squeeze. She’s being pursued by a balding local arcade owner, Eddie Arkadian, who wants to get his middle aged high-pitched girlfriend auditioned on Laura’s show. You know it’s the 80’s if an arcade owner is still a rich business tycoon. Today you’d be lucky to find them begging for Xbox Live points or peddling old crane games on a street corner.

Leroy is constantly being harassed by who is arguably the tallest black man with bed hair in harlem “Sho’nuff” dressed as a fashion blind samurai/goalie who desperately wants to fight Leroy for the title of baddest mofo in Harlem. But Leroy would rather spout Chinese proverbs and whine how he hasn’t found the true master while he watches old kung-fu movies.

Laura is yet again kidnapped by Eddie’s gang of misfit thugs. This girl just can’t stop getting kidnapped (possibly mistaken for nasty Ms. Jackson?) but this time a bunch of paid assassins and trained fighters are waiting for Bruce Leroy to rescue her including a particular jolly old elf with a mohawk. I didn’t realize Santa liked to rumble. Really not much plot to really get into here. There’s a big fight between Leroy and Sho’nuff that has strong hints of the light sabre dual between Luke and Darth. There’s some escapees from the Jackson Five along with some rappin’ Chinese gangsters dudes and a senile old Kung-fu trainer who wants to retire to Florida. Add 2 parts break dancing, 1 annoying MTV video and several old Bruce Lee film clips and you’ve got yourself good campy kung-fu that won’t leave you gasy. I say give it a whirl in the DVD player if only for some of these great one-liners…

“You just get that sucker to the designated place at the designated time, and I will gladly designate his ass… for dismemberment!”

“Kiss my Converse”

“Now, when I say, “Who’s da mastah?” you say, “Sho’nuff!”

“Just direct-a your feets-a to Daddy Green’s Pizza!”

Keep an eye out for…

– gratuitous use of an MTV video
– boombox crushing
– popstar cheesy mustaches
– extreme latticework
– middle aged Madonna wanna-be’s
– pet piranhas
– hi-beam headlights
– extreme shoulder padding
– true Master glow – now with more cleaning power
– arrow catching
– bullet flossing
– Santas with mohawks
– Chinese Bubbonics
– dysfunctional fortune cookies
– belt buckle medallions

Here’s what I’d like on my tombstone “Here lies the baddest mofo low down around this town. Sho’nuff!”

rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for the The Last Dragon


posted by admin | April 3, 2008 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Comedy, Horror movies, Slasher, Slasher films

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Jason X

“Psychotic hockey player or grizzly bear robot? You be the judge.”

In the early golden years of cable there used to be some great channels and not just re-runs of CSI and Monk. Remember the constant running of John Hughes films on TNT? There was also the Sci-fi Channel with it’s 50/50 split of horror and sci-fi where you got some great slasher movie marathons late at night and of course those great Saturday nights with Joe Bob Brigg’s Monstervision (Joe Bob you are missed.) Sure they were watered down and broken up with commercials for hair care products but you still had the great commentary by my favorite Texas b-movie connaisseur and a good way to spend a Saturday night. Of course I wouldn’t know this because I had such a busy social schedule with all the ladies and late night rave club dancing. What I do remember on those less “socially active nights” is the Friday the 13th marathons. A TV blood bonanza though less blood on cable thanks to big brother watching over my fine sensibilities. You’d think since I’m watching a horror movie they’d figure that I’d actually like to see where that pick axe lands. For all I could tell Jason suddenly appeared, the teenager screams a giant *bleep* and then trips and lands on the axe with his head. Don’t get me wrong, even for all the broadcast editing they were still very entertaining. Jason was like Jaws, a huge unstoppable killing machine with no dialog. You couldn’t reason with him, appeal to his nurturing side, and you couldn’t negotiate a payment schedule. He was going to find you and impale on the nearest sharp object he could grab so you just better run to gain a few more minutes of breathing. And you could pretty much forget it if you were a bitchy teenage girl who smoked pot and enjoyed premarital sex. That just means you’re first in line for the wood axe to the noggin. That’s a lesson they should really add to the sex-ed curriculum. “Chapter 5: If you have premarital sex Jason will hunt you down and impale you on meat hook. Class dismissed.”

By my count Jason racked up something like 250 kills in his movie career. No wonder frats and sororities are begging for more pledges, Jason cleaned house. Yet parents keep sending their kids to Crystal Lake. Perhaps when I have teenagers of my own I might better understand their motivation a bit better.

In Jason X (Friday the 13th part 10) the ticked off goalie returns but this time he’s been couped up in a underground research facility near his stomping grounds while the military figures out how to harvest his regenerative power (I think it’s called box-office draw). While attempting to be transferred to a new facility he of course escapes, kills a bunch of people, and then is cleverly trapped in a cryogenic freezer. That’s a tough way to chill out and develop a major case of freezer burn and is especially bad for a hockey player that doesn’t like ice or any water. Flash forward 4 centuries and a research crew discovers the now abandoned facility while exploring a now un-inhabitable planet Earth. They stumble upon Jason in an oversized Whirlpool appliance and by his side is a frozen government agent/super bimbo who had tried to escape from Jason the night of the big freeze but ended up impaled just as they both became frozen fish sticks. Back on the ship she gets thawed out and patched up just in time to warn the crew not to thaw out Jason…who of course was already defrosted and just smashed a researchers face into a thousands pieces. I think some people just wake up grumpy.

Fortunately the ship has it’s own built in crew of goofy armored marines for such occasions and they’re all sent into the cargo hold to track him down like Osama Bin-Vorhees. Semper-die is Jason’s motto and he kills them all off in his typical creative physco killer ways. Round 2, the ship’s onboard robo-babe gets an weapons upgrade and has a high-tech shoot out with Jason shooting of his arm and leg and eventually puts him down via a head shot. But you just can’t keep a good killer down and Jason also gets an upgrade thanks to accidental nanotechnology turning him into super-Cyborg Killer. Round #3 goes to the goalie. Which annoying teenager will survive? Will Jason’s new Vista Operating System crash? Why do we still use bullets 4 centuries into the future? Many of these questions are answered and more.

I found this probably the funniest Friday the 13th and highly entertaining due to it’s sheer out of this world storyline and barrage of one-liners. I have hopes we’ll see a “Jason goes Scuba diving” or “Jason gets a job in a Insurance company” in the theaters soon. He’d be a great auditor.

Keep an eye out for…

– Extreme Jason freezer burn
– Nipple clamping
– Jason pillow fights
– Extreme impalements
– Strained space teens
– Face smashing
– Neck snapping
– Back breaking
– iJason Nano’s
– Shredded space cowboys

The Red Wings should draft Jason…no opponent would get near him in the goalie net.

rated 8.5 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Jason X


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Dead Heat

“I said I wanted my steak medium rare…not undead.”

Have you ever been to a barbaric little restaurant called Fuddruckers? Sure the name sounds obscene and makes old ladies blush but not nearly as bad as the bakery inside called “Mother Fuddruckers.” I kid you not, that really is name of their bakery! Fuddruckers is noted for it’s delicious and enormous hamburgers. It also has the unique charm of having an actual butcher shop window right as you walk in. Nothing better than seeing those cows getting strung up, diced and sliced before your very own eyes or seeing the looks of horror on little kids faces. Sort of like picking out the lobster at your local seafood restaurant. Except they don’t parade the sad-eyed cow in front of you before they take them in back and to get Fuddrucked. Maybe it’s just my mad cow disease speaking but the burger’s do taste delicious even if I do get a tinge of guilt seeing their surprised friends hanging there in the window. I do have a tender spot in my heart for a tender ribeye.

In the zombie cop-buddy movie “Dead Heat” there’s at least one raging undead bovine who gets it’s revenge. Treat Williams plays Roger “I ain’t dead yet” Mortis…a mundane straight laced cop with some straight laced ties and straight laced hair, the man could double as a leveler. He and his partner Doug played by the always greasy Joe Piscopo cruise around in a old convertible waiting for a crime to occur but only on sunny days. A routine bank robbery takes place around the corner and they’re called in to deliver some much needed Piscopo one-liners and a steady shower of machine gun bullets. It looks like most of the LA police force has shown up for this event driving Krispy Kreme’s stock even lower. The robbers who look like rejects from a local S&M triathlons don’t go down without a fact they simply don’t drop. Bullets keep riveting their bodies and they keep on firing back that is until Roger has the idea to run them over with a hunk of 80’s Detroit metal. Treat Williams is judge, juror, and executioner. It would have been even better if he said something like “Trick or Treat suckas!”

Later an autopsy reveals that the robbers had been to the morgue before. Morgues don’t often get returning customers..they should get a discount punch card for that or something. Rodger and Doug trace the criminals back to a research facility where they infiltrate a high security door via a credit card lock pick and discover a giant waffle maker that also happens to bring the dead back to life, the ultimate breakfast machine. While attempting to escape they also encounter a giant two faced hell’s angel zombie with a generally mean disposition and super human strength. Mutant two face bikers always make the best security guards since they can see both directions down a hallway. Rodger gets trapped in an industrial strength vacuum sealer which is normally used to euthanize puppies (or old people.)

Rodger gasps his last breath while Doug helplessly bangs on the glass yelling “Nooooooo!!!”…sure he can sneak into a high security facility but can’t open this door? Doug’s brain cells finally begin to fire and he gets the brilliant idea of putting Roger on the waffle-maker to bring him back from the dead. Roger through a series of electro-therapy shock treatments becomes the undead. He seems to be pretty happy, feeling good, and has a great outlook on life…until he learns he will decompose into a pile of goo in less than 48hrs. Way to bring a guy down. So the crime fighting duo decide to try to find out the leaders of this crime ring of the undead and end up at a Chinese butcher shop where it’s all you can eat or all you can run away from screaming. It’s an army of duck heads, flapping fish and sides of beef reanimated as an undead buffet. Where’s the food safety inspectors when you need them? Zombie’s with machine guns also show up for an impromptu zombie pool party later on at a beach house with plenty of snacks and impaling…and since when did zombie’s learn to operate firearms? Oh did I mention everyone in this movie either dies or is already dead? You just don’t see that enough if buddy cop movies. Anyways you know things aren’t going to end well for Roger as he’s decomposing all over the place but is saving up just enough strength to kill Vincent price and the dad from “A Christmas Story.”

This was a fun little 80’s horror/comedy…more emphasis on the comedy side with Pepsico’s constant running one-liners. Somebody please stop pulling his string and put him back in his box. Definitely worth a rental but I’d suggest only eating a light salad though when viewing. And you won’t eat at Chinese buffet for a week.

Keep an eye out for…

– biker mutant zombie freaks
– vacuum sealed Treats
– zombie pool parties
– the Vince Price is Right show
– old rich people club meetings
– liver attack
– zombie duck attack
– zombie beef attack
– giant waffle makers
– extreme Piscopo
– Chinese chandelier Laser Light shows
– melting blondies
– bobbing for gold fish
– zombie NRA members

If I had only 48 hours to live I’d certainly wouldn’t spend it with Joe Pepsico.

rated 7.6 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Dead Heat


posted by admin | January 2, 2008 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Comedy, Horror movies, Uncategorized

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Bikini Bloodbath

“Her date with a midget Mexican Hitler impersonator didn’t really turn out like she hoped.

Well It’s a brand new year. So I say goodbye to 2007 and all of your “don’t taser me bros” and “Britney Spears head shaving shenanigans” and hello to a year of renewed excitement and new direction and a lot of TV political ads. Ok 2007, sorry I said those bad things before…I’m not really ready for 2008 and all it’s Diane Sawyers and Huckabee Fins. I didn’t mean it so please come back. I did however watch the newly refitted strobe of death light ball drop in Times Square last night and I must say that ball was about as bright as a small red sun this year. I wouldn’t have been surprised to see party goers running in terror as the light burned their retinas from it’s new Eco-friendly LED (Light emitting death) bulbs. But instead viewers got to endure live performances of Hannah Montana and see Ryan Seacrest babble on about his hair. Hmmm…. I think I would have preferred to be blinded.

With a new year comes a new crop of b-movies and I kicked off the year with a film that puts the “b” back in b-movie. It even smacks it upside the head and calls it names and makes it sit in the corner sucking its thumb. It’s sort of a less plot, more blood, more breasts, and well at least one beast…(if you don’t count the lesbian gym teacher)…and one beard, oh and several references to the term “beaver.” But mostly it’s a story about simple minded highschool girls that badly play volleyball, shower together, and shop for groceries…so it’s already better than Spiderman 3 in my book. The girls become the target of a phyco French chef who has been killing girls wandering the nearby forest. I only think he was French based on his angry disposition and hatred for Americans…though he sort of reminded me of a cross between the chef from the Muppets and the lead singer from ZZ-Top.

The surviving group of the girls decide to throw a party that night even with the knowledge there’s a killer on the loose. So after a marathon long grocery shopping session and extensive party preparations that would make Martha Stewart jealous, they finally get the tunes jamming and snacks snacking. Hot tub dipping and extended dressing and undressing scenes pad the film like a Larry Flint with ADD is directing but that’s to just to keep us paying attention.

A few of the local highschool guys crash the bikini hot tub party after narrowly escaping a creepy football jockfest game of twister down the street. Popcorn and Strawberry daiquiri’s are served….and served..and served again. Because nothing helps your senses and survival skills like dousing your brain in alcohol. The chef slices and dices through most of these drunk cattle like a fast food Japanese sushi meal ( but with bad special effects) until a final bikini standoff in the dad’s garage next to a tanning booth ala Hell’s Kitchen. Chef Gordon Ramsay would have been a better choice for the killer and he would have recommended a fine red wine to go with those party snacks. The soundtrack is hilarious with spoofs on Friday the 13th, Footloose, and Flash Dance along with some 80 style metal rock from the band “White Ligger.” (Don’t accept any substitutes like White Tiger or White Lion..there is only one Ligger.) The film is shot in a “we’re almost porn” budget style, but it’s still entertaining and good enough for a beer night… minus the creepy football player party, so I say check it out and bring your swim trunks.

Keep an eye out for…

– olympic volleyball rejects
– cheeseburger obsessed homeless
– gratuitous use of bedroom flamingos
– grocery shopping marathons
– telephone nun-chucks
– Flash dancing rednecks
– hot White Ligger lovin’
– pre-death daikires
– severed leg hugging
– facist taco stands

“White Liggers don’t take showers…they take bloodbaths.”

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Bikini Bloodbath

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