Archive for the 'Cult Film' Category

Jun

Comments Off on Hard Target

hard target snake eating

Take Road House, mix with Hard Boiled, add a ladle of gumbo, and you pretty much have 1993’s mullet-tastic Hard Target. Starring the ‘Muscles from Brussels’ himself, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Hard Target is 97 minutes of Cajun-flavored insanity.

But, unlike my twin brother we don’t talk about, this is the good kind of insanity.

Hard Target is a John Woo film, so toss all concepts of reality and physics out the window. Which is fine. The action in Hard Target is so insane, it touches on brilliance. Like most Woo films, there is plenty of gunplay—but there is also upside down gunplay. Yes, Van Damme fires a handgun upside down at one point. It is jaw-droppingly crazy.

Let’s rewind a bit though. Hard Target is a ‘man hunts man for sport’ story, or to be more specific, ‘the rich hunt the poor and homeless for sport.’ It makes one wonder why they don’t reboot this for today, ’cause I’m sure the 1% would eat this up like caviar at a yacht club ho-down.

hard target motorcycle

Representing the poor and the homeless is Van Damme, as Cajun street fightin’ man, Chance. So named because ‘his mama took one.’ The hunters are Lance Hendrickson, the guy who played The Mummy in The Mummy, and a bunch of other toughs, including frequent Arnold Schwarzenegger foil, Sven Thorsen.

While there is plenty of gunplay, including a few crazy guns (even one what shoots arrows), Van Damme’s martial arts skills are given loads of screen time. In fact, one could play a drinking game based on Van Damme knocking cigarettes out of mouths and sunglasses off of faces.

There are three shining jewels in Hard Target, which make it worth a watch alone. First, Van Damme’s mullet. It is the stuff of legends. If you looked up ‘Kentucky Waterfall‘ in the hair dictionary, there would be a screen capture of Hard Target. Second, the infamous ‘snake-punching’ scene. Van Damme shows he has a way with nature—by beating the ever-living crap out of a snake puppet. The cherry on top is Van Damme doing the bayou version of St. Patrick, and biting off the snake’s rattle (Van Damme has his reasons).

brimley hard target

The last jewel in Hard Target‘s triple crown is Wilfred Brimley. Yes. Mr. Oatmeal plays Van Damme’s moonshiner, swamp dwelling uncle—complete with a Cajun accent. I like to think Brimley was the inspiration for Katniss in The Hunger Games, because he is an ace with the bow, and if you squint real hard, he kinda looks like [what’s her face].

An’ don’t go thinking Hard Target is all snake-punching and fancy kickin’ neither. There is plenty of motorcycle action too—mostly EXPLODING motorcycles (it is a John Woo movie after all), the best of which is the scene where Van Damme STANDS UP on a moving motorcycle to shoot bad guys.

If you have an itch for an over-the-top, physics ignoring action film, then Hard Target is the scratch you need. Tiger says, Hard Target is a must watch.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Arrow Guns
  • Upside Down Guns
  • Snake Punching
  • Snake Biting
  • Kicked Off Sunglasses
  • Crazy Guns
  • Hands Free Motorcycles
  • Cajun Moonshiners
  • Creepy Parade Floats
  • Kicking
  • Mullets
  • Exploding Motorcycles
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

People get shot, kicked, stabbed, blown up, and bit by snakes.

2

blood

BREASTS

You see a pair on an ad for an adult business. That’s it.

9

beast

BEASTS

Van Damme and those hunting him count as beasts, because why not?

7 OVERALL
dripper

Now here’s a helpful b-movie survival tip from Hard Target!

trailers

dripper
Jun

Comments Off on Female Teacher Hunting

Often called “pink films” (another term for soft-core Japanese porn… think Cinemax after 12 a.m. in Asia), the Nikkatsu Roman Porno series put out over 700 titles between 1971 – 1988! Proof the porn industry was certainly booming! Although, calling these titles “porn” is like calling circus peanuts “candy”. These pinky films were called “thrillers” for a reason; often having a dark or twisted plot, while throwing in some sex and sleaze to keep them “pink”, while censoring the man’s junk. On a side note, I realize the subject of rape isn’t a joke and it’s very touchy and can be difficult to write about. So when you see I’m making a joke, please know that it’s about the characters or a reference, not on the actual subject itself.

Let’s take a look at Female Teacher Hunting. If I had heard the title, I would have figured this to be an 80’s Linnea Quigley flick about some backwoods, hairy guy hunting down a school teacher in the Deep South. However, the tale is a little more complex than that (but I did get the 80’s part right). Two high-schoolers, Midori and Daisuke, enjoy a little skinny dip in the school’s pool, but when Midori’s uniform is found in the pool the next day, Daisuke’s teacher Sakatani accuses him of rape. His defense is by telling her that rape isn’t as easy as she think… not the best defense, but he means someone would have heard her scream.

It instantly elevates to uncomfortable levels when Daisuke, ashamed, storms off to find Midori, and forces sex on her in the radio room with the microphone on for the whole school to hear (where’s the FCC when you actually need them?). He then drops out of school and that’s about as much school as you see. Sakatani spends some time on the coast having an affair with a married man, who happens to be writing a report about rape, taking a break from his wife and daughter. Ah, a vacation from all responsibilities.

blackbagWhile this is going on, Daisuke just so happens to be at the same coastal town, taking refuge with a bar owner after accidently spilling some drunkards bottle and getting pummeled. Not only does the bar owner take him in, he shares his girlfriend with him, in which the film shares with us the saddest threesome in history. Ladies, you know those stories you hear about a three-way being every man’s dream? Well, let this prove you wrong.

But this film isn’t necessarily supposed to be erotic. The three main characters come off as troubled convincingly, especially Daisuke. You feel sympathetic toward him during the film and then you feel disgusted toward him at the end. Sakatani seems to be the one you despise the most, accusing Daisuke of rape and having an affair with a married man. She comes off as the film’s villain, but she really isn’t all that bad. As I stated earlier, the sexual element of the movie is not necessarily for arousal, but to actually support the emotions of characters and move the plot along. You get a sense of wrongness while it’s going on and as the before mentioned three way, it’s supposed to come off as sad and pathetic. I guess that only leaves Midori as the film’s only innocent character that you feel terrible for, since she is mixed up with these other hooligans.

Female Teacher Hunting is a short ride, just a little over the one hour mark, but in that time it does get its story across and remain erotic. The DVD transfer from Impulse (the erotic driven division of the great Synapse Films) looks very good, given the films thirty year old age. Edges look smooth, colors look nice. Nothing looks washed out or soft, unless it was done intentionally. Although, the only audio option is 2.0 mono Japanese, English subtitles are provided with no distraction. However, if you are looking for extras, you’ll find this one is pretty bare, only including a theatrical trailer and some liner notes from Jasper Sharp.

As far as the “pink” movies go, you’ll find Female Teacher Hunting to be different that what’s expected of this genre of film. It’s more drama driven, using the sex scenes as a sad and depressing display of character development as they spiral down into their own self destruction. Fans of this genre looking for hot and steamy sex scenes may want to resort to going to the curtained rooms in your video stores, since you won’t find what you’re looking for here.

Check out other flicks in Impulse Pictures catalogue.

roadside attractions

  • -Sex Scene Shot Game!
  • -Also, take a shot every time you feel depressed for trying to get aroused.
  • -Think happy thoughts.
  • -Did this ruin the ‘sexy teacher’ fantasy for you?
totals

3

blood

BLOOD

Very little after some fighting, but this isn’t a gore flick.

9

blood

BREASTS

Lots, although most of the time not in the context you want.

6

beast

BEASTS

No monsters, but the characters themselves are somewhat monsterly.

6 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Female Teacher Hunting”

trailers

dripper
Apr

posted by Barry Goodall | April 9, 2013 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, Cult Film, Cult films, Podcast

Comments Off on Lost Highway Podcast 004 – Evil Dead (1981)

Join the Lost Highway mutant gang ( Giallo Goon,Barry Goodall, The Doktor, and Tiger Sixon) and our guest reviewer Sarah Erwin as they discuss the 1981 horror classic Evil Dead. Listen with the player below, or use the Download link to save a copy of the MP3 to your computer.

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Available in iTunes Soon

Mar

Comments Off on Tremors (1990)

Tremors

If there’s one thing in America that we know how to do right it’s to make things bigger. Double Cheeseburger? Sure only if you’re a communist. We take our burgers with triple meat patties, bacon and a fried egg thank you very much. Grocery shopping? That should always require a forklift and a back brace. We buy our mayonnaise in 50 gallon, bathe in big gulps and  toss dwarfs just for fun. Huge is the American way. Let the Europeans make tiny furniture if they want to. We’ll take the Lazy Boy with the built in fridge that can seat 20. Sure, we might not have the smartest kids in the world but they will be the biggest and they will sit on anyone that oppose us. Heck yeah ‘Merica!

TremorsSpeaking of super sizing, some giant man-eating worms are trying to eat Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward, and only the dad from Family Ties and his 100 pounds of TNT can stop em’.  Somewhere out in the desert a small town has been having problems with sheep mutilations, backed up sewage and a rapid outbreak of guys stranded on telephone polls. Valentine (Kevin Bacon) and Earl (Fred Willard) are the local handymen who get a gooey sock puppet stuck to their pickup truck when they’re sent to investigate. Turns out it’s from an underground worms (or graboids as the locals call them) which are attracted to noise and constant bickering which Valentine and Earl do plenty of. They’re just like your mom and dad except with more drinking. The handymen are set out on horseback to try to get help before the worms swallow the whole town up and nobody notices.

Out in the desert the horses get worminated and Valentine and Earl have to high jump over an aqueduct just as  a mutant nightcrawler smashes it’s noggin into a concrete barrier. The resident hottie seismologist shows up and teaches them to pole vault across rocks so they don’t become worm food. It’s sure lucky those Olympic gymnastics left all their practice equipment behind. Then they all high tail it back to town with the graboids in hot pursuit and hang out on the grocery store roof and yell at each other.

Meanwhile, the Jumanji girl gets nearly eaten while playing on a pogo stick and Reba McEntire and Michael Gross blast a graboid in their rec-room with enough firepower to defeat North Korea. They’re quickly outnumbered so Valentine uses a lawn mower as a decoy and  they all load up in the back of a semi that he drives behind a bulldozer towards the mountains. It sounds a lot like the end of the Sound of Music except with less nazis.The graboids set a booby trap for the truck and the town folk get stuck on a rock where they start worm fishing with dynamite in hopes to escape. It’s effective but messy. The last worm smartens up and refuses to take the bait but chases Valentine towards a cliff crashing into a gooey mess onto the rocks below. Valentine does a footloose punch dance in a grain silo and saves the town from a life without rock n’ roll. Oh wait…that was another movie. Anyways, Barry Goodall says to give “Tremors” a shake. You’ll get a little more joy out of baiting your fishing hook next time.

and before you might decide on something else to watch, remember  that Reba Macantire is watching you, always. She’s like a red headed country music ninja santa.

roadside attractions

  • excessive rock,paper, scissors
  • pogo sticking
  • multiple pee breaks
  • moron kid stuck on outhouse
  • explosion fishing
  • septic tank-fu
  • Reba McEntire-fu
  • 6 degrees of Bacon
  • worm drilling
  • rock pole vaulting
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Sheep guts, drilling graboids, multiple worm explosions and worm shrapnel. Multiple graboid snacking on town folk.

0

blood

BREASTS

Nadda Ta-ta.

8

beast

BEASTS

So many worms you’d think it was a redneck bait shop.

9.7 OVERALL
dripper

Check out this trailer for “Tremors”

trailers

dripper
Jan

posted by Doktor | January 21, 2013 | 80's b-movies, B-movie Reviews, Cult Film, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on Miami Connection

Tagline: Survival the ultimate test…

Year: 1987 Runtime: 120 min

Director: Y.K. Kim & Woo-Sang Park

Writer: Y.K. Kim

Starring: Y.K. Kim, Vincent Hirsch and Joseph Diamand

Are old enough to remember the 80’s? If so, welcome to generation existential. Oh, and you can skip the next paragraph unless you just want to walk down memory lane. If not, let me set the scene for you that is the back drop to Miami Connection.

Florida in Movies/TV circa1980s

Playing for the bad guys there’s Cuban refugee Tony Montana running llello (that’s cocaine to you and me) in Scarface. On the good guy side there’s Sunny Crockett, Ricardo Tubbs, Martin Castillo and the rest of the united colors of the Miami Vice taking out the trash. Burger King was still leading the world in Whopper sales. Walt Disney started programming the robot Mickey Mouse death squads on the much less expensive, yet far more user friendly Commodore 64.

As accurate as these depictions of Florida are, they are sadly lacking in the darkest secret of Florida during the 80s. To this day it is still only mentioned in hushed tones, but that whisper is a lion’s roar compared to the previous silence surrounding this plague. The plague of the Ninja.

For a millennia Florida was the mecca for the Ninja. Not just any old run-of-the-mill ninja. These are extraordinary ninjas, specialized like their brethren the Tree Ninja, Cave Ninja, Beach Ninja, Teams that form Giant Ninja, Topless Female Ninja, etc. These are the Miami Motorcycle Ninja (MMN) otherwise known as Llello Ninja. They power was so great, their vengeance so swift and frightening, that it took master martial artist Y.K. Kim to bring their evil into the public consciousness.

It took Angelo Janotti, master guitarist, to bring the fight against the Ninja onto the charts and into the hottest discotheques. But don’t take my word for it. Download the tracks, “Against the Ninja” and “Friends,” for free here.

The story follows a band of friends, Mark (Y.K. Kim), John (Vincent Hirsch), Jack (Joseph Diamand), Jim (Maurice Smith), Tom (Angelo Janotti) and Jane (Kathy Collier). By day they’re mild mannered college students, by night synth rock gods, Dragon Force. Both diurnally and nocturnally (as needed) guardians of peace with black belts in Tae Kwon Do. As you can easily guess, Florida (and possibly the world) is not big enough for Dragon Force and Llello Ninja.

Much ass is kicked.

Before you write this off as just another mindless action film, know this: it’s not! A subplot involves Jim, who has been looking for his father. It is more heart wrenching than Oliver Twist, Little Orphan Annie and Quick, Burn Them Alive: The Nelson Brothers Story combined. If you’re not moved by Jim’s story you’re some sort of heartless monster. Or a Llello Ninja.

I can say no more. Words will only fail to capture the majesty of this film and I shan’t be responsible for ruining it for you.

roadside attractions

  • Coca Cola shirts
  • Half shirts & short shorts (on dudes)
  • Mullets
  • Headbands
  • Synth rock band singing about Ninjas
  • Programming in basic
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

One word: Ninjas.

5

blood

BREASTS

Actually, there’s no breasts. But, for some reason, Jim can’t seem to button his pants when he’s at home. So, I’m giving it a five because this movie has a little something for the ladies.

10

beast

BEASTS

Technically, there are no beasts. But there are Llello Ninja, and they are twice as bad as any beast.

8.0 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Dead City” aka “Legion of the Night”

trailers

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