Archive for the 'Cult movies' Category


posted by admin | April 11, 2008 | 80's movies, Action, B-movies, Comedy, Cult Film, Cult movies, Kung-fu

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The Last Dragon

“I’m about to open a fortune cookie of Whoop Ass.

When you think Kung-fu masters you think names like Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Jet li, sometimes Chuck Norris if a drinking game is involved…uh maybe Daniel Larusso but only the one in Karate Kid II…oh and that chef at the Japanese Steak house. The way he spins those knifes and cut shrimp in the air you just know on the weekends he’s fighting evil. But now there enters a new 80’s Kung-fu hero, Leroy Green, a student of the martial arts seeking his own hi-pro glow, the apparent sign of achieving perfect kung-fu or being radioactive, whichever comes first. He also has an unhealthy obsession with Bruce Lee and smells a bit like pizza. Leroy’s family owns a Daddy Green’s pizzeria shop in Harlem while he teaches a pacifist karate class for kids, a sort of Shy-Goy-Dies branch of the Martial Arts. Where’s Mr. Miyagi when you need him? That old man could teach you karate and get a house painted, car waxed, and catch flies with chop sticks all in the same day.

Leroy thwarts an attempted kidnapping of a local celebrity, Laura, who hosts a dance show/space-camp party show called “7th Heaven” minus Jessica Biel of course. The only perquisite to get on the show is sufficient leg warmer coverage or a minimum frizzy hair size…actual dancers need not apply. Laura is played by Vanity, a spaced-out Janet Jackson wanna-be from the early 80’s who sang like she was doped up on Goofballs and was also Prince’s main squeeze. She’s being pursued by a balding local arcade owner, Eddie Arkadian, who wants to get his middle aged high-pitched girlfriend auditioned on Laura’s show. You know it’s the 80’s if an arcade owner is still a rich business tycoon. Today you’d be lucky to find them begging for Xbox Live points or peddling old crane games on a street corner.

Leroy is constantly being harassed by who is arguably the tallest black man with bed hair in harlem “Sho’nuff” dressed as a fashion blind samurai/goalie who desperately wants to fight Leroy for the title of baddest mofo in Harlem. But Leroy would rather spout Chinese proverbs and whine how he hasn’t found the true master while he watches old kung-fu movies.

Laura is yet again kidnapped by Eddie’s gang of misfit thugs. This girl just can’t stop getting kidnapped (possibly mistaken for nasty Ms. Jackson?) but this time a bunch of paid assassins and trained fighters are waiting for Bruce Leroy to rescue her including a particular jolly old elf with a mohawk. I didn’t realize Santa liked to rumble. Really not much plot to really get into here. There’s a big fight between Leroy and Sho’nuff that has strong hints of the light sabre dual between Luke and Darth. There’s some escapees from the Jackson Five along with some rappin’ Chinese gangsters dudes and a senile old Kung-fu trainer who wants to retire to Florida. Add 2 parts break dancing, 1 annoying MTV video and several old Bruce Lee film clips and you’ve got yourself good campy kung-fu that won’t leave you gasy. I say give it a whirl in the DVD player if only for some of these great one-liners…

“You just get that sucker to the designated place at the designated time, and I will gladly designate his ass… for dismemberment!”

“Kiss my Converse”

“Now, when I say, “Who’s da mastah?” you say, “Sho’nuff!”

“Just direct-a your feets-a to Daddy Green’s Pizza!”

Keep an eye out for…

– gratuitous use of an MTV video
– boombox crushing
– popstar cheesy mustaches
– extreme latticework
– middle aged Madonna wanna-be’s
– pet piranhas
– hi-beam headlights
– extreme shoulder padding
– true Master glow – now with more cleaning power
– arrow catching
– bullet flossing
– Santas with mohawks
– Chinese Bubbonics
– dysfunctional fortune cookies
– belt buckle medallions

Here’s what I’d like on my tombstone “Here lies the baddest mofo low down around this town. Sho’nuff!”

rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for the The Last Dragon


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Dead Heat

“I said I wanted my steak medium rare…not undead.”

Have you ever been to a barbaric little restaurant called Fuddruckers? Sure the name sounds obscene and makes old ladies blush but not nearly as bad as the bakery inside called “Mother Fuddruckers.” I kid you not, that really is name of their bakery! Fuddruckers is noted for it’s delicious and enormous hamburgers. It also has the unique charm of having an actual butcher shop window right as you walk in. Nothing better than seeing those cows getting strung up, diced and sliced before your very own eyes or seeing the looks of horror on little kids faces. Sort of like picking out the lobster at your local seafood restaurant. Except they don’t parade the sad-eyed cow in front of you before they take them in back and to get Fuddrucked. Maybe it’s just my mad cow disease speaking but the burger’s do taste delicious even if I do get a tinge of guilt seeing their surprised friends hanging there in the window. I do have a tender spot in my heart for a tender ribeye.

In the zombie cop-buddy movie “Dead Heat” there’s at least one raging undead bovine who gets it’s revenge. Treat Williams plays Roger “I ain’t dead yet” Mortis…a mundane straight laced cop with some straight laced ties and straight laced hair, the man could double as a leveler. He and his partner Doug played by the always greasy Joe Piscopo cruise around in a old convertible waiting for a crime to occur but only on sunny days. A routine bank robbery takes place around the corner and they’re called in to deliver some much needed Piscopo one-liners and a steady shower of machine gun bullets. It looks like most of the LA police force has shown up for this event driving Krispy Kreme’s stock even lower. The robbers who look like rejects from a local S&M triathlons don’t go down without a fact they simply don’t drop. Bullets keep riveting their bodies and they keep on firing back that is until Roger has the idea to run them over with a hunk of 80’s Detroit metal. Treat Williams is judge, juror, and executioner. It would have been even better if he said something like “Trick or Treat suckas!”

Later an autopsy reveals that the robbers had been to the morgue before. Morgues don’t often get returning customers..they should get a discount punch card for that or something. Rodger and Doug trace the criminals back to a research facility where they infiltrate a high security door via a credit card lock pick and discover a giant waffle maker that also happens to bring the dead back to life, the ultimate breakfast machine. While attempting to escape they also encounter a giant two faced hell’s angel zombie with a generally mean disposition and super human strength. Mutant two face bikers always make the best security guards since they can see both directions down a hallway. Rodger gets trapped in an industrial strength vacuum sealer which is normally used to euthanize puppies (or old people.)

Rodger gasps his last breath while Doug helplessly bangs on the glass yelling “Nooooooo!!!”…sure he can sneak into a high security facility but can’t open this door? Doug’s brain cells finally begin to fire and he gets the brilliant idea of putting Roger on the waffle-maker to bring him back from the dead. Roger through a series of electro-therapy shock treatments becomes the undead. He seems to be pretty happy, feeling good, and has a great outlook on life…until he learns he will decompose into a pile of goo in less than 48hrs. Way to bring a guy down. So the crime fighting duo decide to try to find out the leaders of this crime ring of the undead and end up at a Chinese butcher shop where it’s all you can eat or all you can run away from screaming. It’s an army of duck heads, flapping fish and sides of beef reanimated as an undead buffet. Where’s the food safety inspectors when you need them? Zombie’s with machine guns also show up for an impromptu zombie pool party later on at a beach house with plenty of snacks and impaling…and since when did zombie’s learn to operate firearms? Oh did I mention everyone in this movie either dies or is already dead? You just don’t see that enough if buddy cop movies. Anyways you know things aren’t going to end well for Roger as he’s decomposing all over the place but is saving up just enough strength to kill Vincent price and the dad from “A Christmas Story.”

This was a fun little 80’s horror/comedy…more emphasis on the comedy side with Pepsico’s constant running one-liners. Somebody please stop pulling his string and put him back in his box. Definitely worth a rental but I’d suggest only eating a light salad though when viewing. And you won’t eat at Chinese buffet for a week.

Keep an eye out for…

– biker mutant zombie freaks
– vacuum sealed Treats
– zombie pool parties
– the Vince Price is Right show
– old rich people club meetings
– liver attack
– zombie duck attack
– zombie beef attack
– giant waffle makers
– extreme Piscopo
– Chinese chandelier Laser Light shows
– melting blondies
– bobbing for gold fish
– zombie NRA members

If I had only 48 hours to live I’d certainly wouldn’t spend it with Joe Pepsico.

rated 7.6 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Dead Heat


posted by admin | March 14, 2008 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, Cult films, Cult movies, Horror movies

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“Yeah I smoked…but I didn’t inhale.”

My daughter has recently been asking for a pet hamster. Some people find hamster cute and cuddly. I think they’re furry rodents of evil with beady soul piercing eyes always watching… waiting for their moment to overthrow us. Sure they run endlessly on that wheel like they’re exercising but that’s merely a distraction from their more devious plans of global domination. Just like rats, mice, and ferrets, they were spawned from satan’s little biological test lab (now a research division at Microsoft) and they must be stopped before they take over the planet and convert our Chucky Cheeses into human habitrails. When I saw the movie “Critters” I knew the true origins of these vermin masquerading as pets. Let this movie be a warning to us all. The Critters already live among us.

in Deep space, The “Krites” have escape a prison asteroid and somehow fled their heavily fortified prison cell, hijacked a ship , and plotted a course to the nearest planet. All this with their useless tiny twig arms. When their escape is discovered, glowing silly putty alien bounty hunters are dispatched to go after them by the prison’s warden, a squishy looking alien who looks like he needs a few more reps on the Nordic Track. The bounty hunters watch MTV and late night cable while cruising at a brisk 55mph across the galaxy giving them time to decide who they want to model their faces after. Fake 80’s rock singers always win that contest. What alien wouldn’t want their hair to feather and layer like that? The Krites look for the nearest late night snack planet to escape the bounty hunters which just happens to be Earth (always open 24/7 and plenty of value menu items) and decide to set their ship down near a small farm in Kansas. What is it about rednecks that attract Aliens anyways, it’s like tornadoes to a trailer park. The farm belongs to an super-white family named the Browns who are living the typical farming life. Bailing hay, raising chickens, eating their body weight in corn on the cob, or blowing stuff up with illegal explosives. Young Brad Brown (Scott Grimes) is our red-headed hero who while one night being punished for a crime he didn’t commit witnesses the landing of the Krites ship behind their farm in the forest. Drawn to crashed spaceships like every other country yahoo in every sci-fi movie ever made, he and his dad have to go “check it out” but end up getting scared off by mutilated dead cattle.

When the critters are revealed they look like deranged muppets with slick back hair-do’s and bad dental work. These critters are quick though and can cover some good distance as they role around like turbo charged tumble weeds chomping on every nearby cow they encounter. Eventually they find the Brown’s farmhouse who might as well hang a sign on their door that says Open Buffet. Even Billy Zane and his clip-on pony tail can’t stop these little eating machines. Unfortunately the Critters don’t find Billy Zane very filling and don’t even finish him off…. probably since he’s mostly full of crap. Did I mention I can’t stand that guy? Ever since his low point of playing “The Phantom” in that crappy movie of the same title he continued to strive for even lower depths of acting and super ego-itis. Fortunately Billy’s screen time is short when the critters make a snack pack out of his stomach and then proceed to go after Brad’s older sister. He rescues her by feeding one the critters one of his many homemade explosive. Is this kid on the government terrorist watch list? Well he should be.

The family narrowly escaping takes refuge in their living room (the safest of all rooms in an emergency) and fortify their last stand with mattresses and wicker furniture. An obvious advantage against intelligent razor teethed flesh eating aliens who can shoot poisonous needles.

Meanwhile in what almost feels like an entirely different film by now, the two bounty hunters aliens have commandeered a patrol car and are off partying around town. They stop in at the church…blow some stuff up, stop in at a bowling alley, blow some more stuff up. I think Brad and these guys will have a lot in common. One of the bounty hunters keeps annoyingly shape-shifting his face into everyone he runs into like a bad case of multiple personalities. I think some actors just wanted some more screen time.

The family continues to battle the critters with a shot gun and some broom handles (be sure to give the sibling you like least the old broom handle) so things are looking grim and young Brad decides to make a break for it to find help…or did he just ditch his family? He luckily crosses paths with the alien bounty hunters driving down the road so they all hightail it back to the house and proceed to open a can of whoop-ass on the surprised mutant muppets with some hi-tech alien boom sticks. In the process take out most of the house but Orkin would be proud.

This is one of the definitive sci-fi horror movies from the 80’s and if you haven’t seen it for a while give it another go around. If only too see Billy Zane get what’s coming to him. *shakes fist in air* “Zaaaannneeee….Zaaaaaneee!!!” doing my best impression of captain Kirk from Star Trek 2: Wrath of Kahn.

Keep an eye out for…

– critter toilet plungers
– critter-fu
– Billy Zanified pony tails
– extreme explod-o-bowl
– corn on the cobbing
– mr. potato heads aliens
– mutant projectile porcupines
– pyrotechnic church sermons
– instant extreme home makeovers
– critter vision
– ferrah faucet alien hair

Look for Critter action figures. Now with projectile poisonous darts and amazing kung-fu grip. Pull their string and they’ll say a new curse word. Billy Zane with removable stomach

Critters T-shirts available from Fright Rags

At Fright Rags you can get this high quality horror shirts you can’t find anywhere else. Fright Rags has the best selection of horror shirts based on your favorite cult classics, creature features, and slasher flicks! Check out the Critters T-shirts

Check out the trailer for Critters


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Race with the Devil

“Bring it On!

With the onset of a cold winter we’ve had a few indoor events at the local sporting arena. Usually there’s such exciting events as insurance agency seminars, the occasional gun and knife show and the ever popular women’s expo, an exploration in the dark art of potpourri and decoupage. Recently I was fortunate enough to check out the BIG RV and camper show there. It’s an extravaganza of gas guzzling houses on wheels. You could move a Chinese family of 8 into one of those giant display campers and have them live there quite comfortably. Heck those RV’s have everything I could ever need. When tours would come through I’d just be like “Hey I’m trying to take a shower here! Can I have some privacy please?” Only in America would we be lazy enough to want to drive a whole house across the country. “You know I don’t really want to leave my couch…if only there was a way I could take my living room, kitchen, and bathroom with me. Then I could go see the largest ball of twine!” and so RV’s were born.

In “Race with the Devil” the central star is also a giant gas guzzling camper. It’s a bit older and the interior is encased with shag carpet and wood grain paneling, enough to make your eyes water, but it can still hold it’s own against the onslaught of hippie devil worshipers. A “race” with belezabub is not really a race as much as it is a competitively fast paced walk with occasional rest stops for snacks & ammo and the refreshing dip in the public pool. The racing RV belongs to Frank Stewart, a greasy little elf who is partners with a motocross star wanna-be, Roger Marsh, played by the always groovified Peter Fonda. They plan to take a vacation to Colorado for some rest and relaxation with their fragile nerved girlfriends and practice up on some their combined drinking and motorcrossing skills. During a night of drunken debauchery and fondue they inadvertently notice some hippie tree huggers (in this case tree burners) having a party in a nearby field. What at first appears to just be a bad local outdoor theater production turns into a human sacrifice ceremony. You usually have to pay extra for that.

Figuring these are no renaissance festival actor rejects, Roger and company pack up the Fonda fondue and high tail it outta there just as the satanic fanboys attack their RV. Narrowly escaping that devil’s tailgate party with only a few broken windows and taillights, they go to the police to report the incident. The cops and sheriff having all the competence of the police force from the Dukes of Hazzard pretty much shrug of the incident as a kids prank but the vacationers decide to take their suspicions to the nearest big city instead. Of course mentioning your secret plans out loud is never a good idea and satanists are notorious for having a keen sense of hearing.

What started out as a nice vacation ends up being a desperate cat and mouse game across the state highways. Campsites turn out to be satanic playgrounds with creepy old people in bath robes who lynch dogs and put rattle snakes in your camper. Evil construction workers cause traffic jams and create detours of doom, and roadhouse bars are revealed to be pagan hangouts where Satan spins his evil tunes through the wailing noise of country music. Oh wait, I guess they pretty much already do that.

It all leads to a great road rage chase scene complete with Peter Fonda riding shotgun (literally) and throwing taquilla bombs at their truck driving pursuers. Fortunately redneck satanists are also bad drivers and the vacationers stocked up lots of booze for their trip. Who said there aren’t benefits to alcoholism?

Definitely a fun little action/horror b-movie for fans of Peter Fonda and even more so for fans of RV’s. So I say check it out and always remember to check your tire pressure, adjust your mirrors, and check all your camper’s cupboards for any stowaway rattlesnakes before your trip. There are old people everywhere and they’re watching you.

Keep an eye out for…

– Devil worshipping BBQ’s
– Extreme off roading RV’s
– Redneck roadhouse of the Damned
– Construction workers of the Damned
– Country music of the Damned
– Snake wranglin’
– Dog lynchings
– Pagan pool parties
– Cult book kleptomania

Do you think Peter Fonda drives a Honda? Then he can just say things like “Hey everyone, wanna drive the Fonda Honda?”

rated 8.3 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Race with the Devil


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From Beyond

“Now that’s some ultra spicy chili…I think I’m going to need a Tums.”

Happy Halloween!! Just got back from a brief trick or treating trip with the kids. My daughter got tired and wanted to come home and watch Casper on DVD. A truly terrifying movie if your a cute puppy scared of rainbows. I remember when I was the trick or treating age and we’d go across the whole neighborhood by ourselves and amazingly return in one piece. No chainsaw maniacs chasing us through the woods, no mutants in hockey masks waiting for a spontaneous camping trip…but hey we still had fun. So now we’re working on starting our sugar coma. Amazing how many things you can put sugar in these days and call it edible.

In The cult classic “From Beyond” there’s also plenty of midnight snacking as well though mostly the sucking of people’s brains through their eye sockets but hey that always a nutritional snack between larger meals.

Stuart Gordon returns after making the classic Re-animator with this lesser known yet just as weird and twisted horror film. Dr. Pretorious (Ted Sorel) and his assistant, Dr. Tillinghast (Jeffery Combs), are working in an old mansion on a experiment with sound tones that will allow them to enter a new alternate reality. They do this by stimulating the pineal gland of the human brain with giant tuning forks. Besides giving them major headaches and making dogs twitch they can see the alternate reality inhabited by giant jelly fish and mutant lampreys.

Dr Pretorious is beheaded by a unseen netherworld creature and the cops blame Crawford. Because he obviously bit the head off and hid it somewhere. Locked away in a mental institute to practice his big line about biting off ginger bread heads, he’s soon let go by a young phsychologists played by Barbara Crampton who wants to study the doctor’s experiment. Along with Buford ‘Bubba’ Brownlee (wow could they come up with a more racist name?) they travel back to the house to start up the old hoover tuning fork.

The alternate reality has weird side consequences though as it turns the Physcologist, Katherine McMichaels, into a nymophomaniac dominatrix and cause Crawford to sprout a third eye appendage out of his forehead with built in predator infrared vision. I believe the sound of Kenny G. will have similar effects if played at the right pitch.

Within the alternate reality they soon discover that that Dr. Pretorious is not only alive and has regained his cranial region but is also apparently made of silly putty and can now take weird demon forms and of course has the ability the copy newspaper comics by laying on them. This new super-uber evil Doctor wants to eat their brains for the ultimate sensory experience much like a trip to Denny’s at 3 in the morning. Soon Crawford’s pineal gland pops out his forehead and leads him around town as he sucks out people’s brains through their eyeball sockets! Wow! if you gotta die that’s one of the worse ways of going. You’d think it would be tough to suck out a eyeball though…thick milkshakes are tough through a straw but an whole eyeball…that would be even more a challenge. I’m sure you’ll see it on Fear Factor.

Anyways it all comes down to a big battle in the mansion as the alternate reality spreads throughout the home creating all sorts of nasty creatures covered in goo in every room. Bubba gets eaten by ravenous flies while trying to save his friends only to utter the words…”urgh….gg…..gghjagr..tfttt”. We’ll always remember that Bubba, your kind words of wisdom.
Definitely a must see horror movie especially if you enjoyed the Re-animator series or area fan of HP Lovecraft since this film is based on one his short stories. Have a wonderful Halloween and remember to check under your bed tonight for anything that might eat your brain.

Keep a third eye out for…

– alternate reality tape worms
– nymphomaniac psychologists
– flesh eating mutant fly swarms
– the rapid hair removal monster method
– skull socket brain sucking and brain munching
– thermo-vision, brain seeking pituitary glands (predator vision)
– spontaneous self fixing electrical lines
– tuning forks of doom

Great now we’ll get spam for Viagra treatments for Pineal Glands “Not feeling like eating brains like you used to…try our new Piagra!”

rated 9.2 out of 10 for the movie

From Beyond From Beyond T-shirts available from Fright Rags

At Fright Rags you can get this high quality horror shirt you can’t find anywhere else. Fright Rags has the best selection of horror shirts based on your favorite cult classics, creature features, and slasher flicks! Check out the From Beyond T-shirts

Check out the trailer for The Beyond…love the last line “Bite off his head like a gingerbread man” Do Gingerbreads go around biting off people’s heads?

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