Archive for the 'Cult movies' Category

Aug

Comments Off on Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Killer Klowns from Outer Space

“Have you ever given thought to learning more about the church of clownology. Cotton candy is the way to enlightenment.”

I’ve wondered what marketing genius decided to combine the dining experience of eating hamburgers with the theme of clowns. Apparently back in the 50’s some marketing executives were sitting around a table smoking some weed and decided “You know what we need to get people to eat our hamburgers, a giant creepy clown in a yellow jump suit” And so McDonald’s was born. A looming ghost faced lunatic who lures children with the promise of cheap plastic toys and obesity in every bag. Nothing says family dining like fast food and circus themes. But why stop at the clown, wheres the trapeze in the kids play area? Where’s the hamburger cannon that shoots the wrapped food to your table? Oh well I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before the McDonald’s marketing guys give that a try.

In Killer Klowns from Outer Space alien mutant clowns want us for their own fast food meals. When a 80’s couple at the local makeout spot are solicited to buy waffle cones and push-up treats by some local goobers in an ice cream truck they suddenly spot a falling comet over the treetops. Instead of taking the apparent river rafting adventure from their inflated life raft they were lying on in the back of their station wagon, they head out into the woods to investigate the comet crash. Surprisingly they come across a glowing giant circus tent inhabited by deformed clowns (hence the title…otherwise it would be “Teens Discover Nothing in Woods and Leave.” What possess people to investigate things that fall from the sky? Always remember when a comet crashes in the nearby woods you run the other way!

The clowns starting attacking the local town folks through elaborate puppet shows and pizza delivery scams shooting them with FisherPrice ray guns that turn them into giant balls of cotton candy goodness. They store the cotton-candified corpses on their spaceship tent for late night snacks. The cops are no help as the chief of police would rather complain to himself about teenage hooligans and eat doughnuts by the box full. He eventually ends up a hollowed out ventriloquist dummy which wasn’t much of a character switch for him. Popcorn attack guns, invisible cars and acid pie fights are just some of the weapons at the clown’s disposal but they could have just given away free tickets to the circus and made it a lot less work. Luckily Sargent Biff McChunk-Head figures out the plans of the evil clowns when his ex-girlfriend is kidnapped and turned into a giant beach ball. So he and his band of surviving dimwitted buddies infiltrate the evil circus strong hold at the local fairgrounds in their ice cream trunk to face off against clown hookers and giant mutant bozo impersonators. Yeah it’s that weird.

A fun goofy b-movie that doesn’t try to take itself too seriously. They have a hunting dog made out of a animal balloons and popcorn that turns into bobble headed clown demons so you can’t help but laugh.

Keep an eye out for…
– popcorn kung-fu
– wholesale size cotton candy
– cop ventriloquist acts
– shadow puppets shows
– redneck comet crash site investigators
– exploding ice cream trucks
– tracker balloon dogs
– kleptomaniacs clowns in drugs stores
– street cleaning parades
– acid pies to the face
– inflato-breast clown hookers
– bad 80’s sweaters

“Ronald, Krusty, Bozo… ye all ain’t got nothing on these Klown gangstas! If they did a drive-by they could fit 20 of their peeps in their pimped ride and put a cap in your chest.”

rated 8.1 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Aug

posted by admin | August 12, 2007 | Comedy, Cult Film, Cult films, Cult movies, Drama, Horror movies

Comments Off on Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

“How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?…just one… if they’re this freakishly tall!!”

I’ve taken quite a few autumn trips to the cider mill out in the country side. I enjoyed the hay rides and pumpkin patches, the delicious cinnamon donuts that put me into a hazed sugar comma. But I especially enjoyed the vicious squashing of thousands of helpless apples in the looming cider press. Oh so little do these apples know of their awaiting doom after being freed from the trees. But now I have a new appreciation for the ability of cider presses to not only entertain us tourists but to fight supernatural evil with extreme prejudice.

Leslie Vernon, local turtle wrangler, understands the vengeful power of cider in this great little mockumentary horror film. As a up and coming maniac killer in a world where Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers actually exist, Leslie invites a college film crew led by a Diana Sawyers wanna-be to learn the ins and outs of the killing business. He wants everything about his soon to be legend filmed. A sort of Donald Trump of slashers without the hockey-head hair.

Leslie is like the smart mouth guy you knew in high-school who was very witty and smooth with the ladies but obviously a few fries short of a happy meal. He’s also very enthusiastic about his trade profession as he introduces us to his slasher mentor Eugene, your typical truck-driver physco who likes to be buried alive in the backyard for days at a time. Eugene, played by Scott Wilson, is like the nice bartender at your local pub but this one might have some bodies hidden in the storage freezer next to the kegs.

Leslie who apparently snapped from being given such a girly name at an early age plans to murder a group of stereotypical teeenagers in a nearby abandoned apple orchard/farmhouse complete with rustic furniture and stained ceilings (how’s does a stain like that get on the ceiling anyways?) His hopes are that one of the town’s giant amazonian virgins will fight him in the orchard to the death with a weak handle tree axe or a loose fitted sledge hammer. Potentially stopping his teenage carnage buffet is Dr. Halloran, impressively over acted by Robert “Please call me Freddy” Englund along with some additional victims of the laurel and hardey camera crew.

Leslie picked a tough profession where things don’t usually end well for the employees and would have been better suited to being a stunt double for Jim Carrey or Dana Cook. Oh well he can always post a resume on monster.com if this whole professional supernatural physcopath gig doesn’t work out. I wonder if they’re unionized?

Definitely a film to check out if your a big fan of the classic slashers from the 70’s and 80’s. You won’t be disappointed and you may even learn what to do next time if you’re trapped in an abandoned farmhouse with a couple of airheads, stoners, and football jocks. Just run…run and don’t look back.

Keep an eye out for…
– midget librarians
– 7ft tall virgin amazonian blondes
– psychopaths official car “Toyota Prius”
– narcoleptic stoners
– gratuitous references to Herman Melville characters
– farmhouse kung-fu
– avon face cream of evil
– 1 pole digger to the chest
– Dr. Krueger house calls

“Yea… Yea, plants and turtles… Plants and turtles… I only keep pets I can eat.”

rated 9.2 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

Jul

posted by admin | July 15, 2007 | 80's movies, Action, Cult Film, Cult films, Cult movies, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on The Last Starfighter

The Last Starfighter

“By the order of Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada, I command you to pull my finger”

Alex Rogan (Lance Guest) is a depressing teenager living in a low scale trailer park. He has vague dreams of getting somewhere in life because he likes to stare wishingly at his planet mobil hanging in his bedroom and to stalk the mailbox for rejection letters from community colleges. Between unclogging toilets and ignoring his girlfriend Maggie Gordon (Catherine Mary Stewart) he spends an obscene amount of quarters on a nearby mammoth sized arcade game called “The Starfighter.” to dull his pain.

His apparent short term life goals are realized late one night when he beats the scoring record which brings out all residents of the trailer park like a soccer game final in Brazil. I don’t think the guy that cured polio got this much fanfare.

After the night long celebration of parades and fireworks, Alex is approached by the game’s flim-flam inventor, Centauri, played by Robert Preston who kidnaps him in a pimped out starcar whisking him off to another far away planet. It turns out the game was actually a test to find real star fighters much like the army games the government is churning out for recruiting. Because there’s nothing you want more than white nerdy guys who sits in front of computer screens all day operating firearms or in this case saving the galaxy.

Not too thrilled with the prospects of getting vaporized in a space battle, Alex heads back to Earth only to find a robot clone of himself has been getting busy with his girlfriend, creeping out his family, and is now target practice for lobster headed alien cops.

Alex decides me must finally faces the challenge to fight as the remaining starfighter in a desperate battle against the armada to save the galaxy (mainly because he doesn’t want to get blasted by alien hitmen on Earth). With the help of his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle headed co-pilot, Grig, they wage a one ship war against an entire squadron of bad computer generated graphics

.A neat little sci-fi movie from the 80’s that was every Atari playin’ Geeks dream. Give it a try but bring lots of quarters.

Keep an eye out for…
– giant holographic balding aliens
– bifocals made of real eyeballs
– squid faced distempered co-pilots
– Outback steakhouse’s Onion “Death Blossoms”
– 9 year old Hugh Hefners
– grannies listening to pop music
– translator collar clips constructed from old digital watch parts
– aliens with Ed Asner hair cuts
– flash mobs of videogame spectators

“This movie is what destroyed Atari”

rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for The Last Starfighter

Jul

Comments Off on My Science Project

My Science Project

“Alien technology that can teleport crap from the Pottery Barn freaks me out too.”

Back in high school I had a science project where a clock would run off a potato. At the time I thought that was pretty impressive. If only I knew then how to alter the fabric of the time space continuum through advanced spud technology. Maybe then I would have beaten that kid with the ketchup volcano. But is science really ready for the dark secrets the potato holds? I think not.

In the movie “my science project” the school’s best grease monkey Michael (John Stockwell) has a similar problem except his science project is a genuine working alien time machine. Not actually building it himself (cheater) he instead finds it in an abandoned military base with his new found geek girlfriend played by Danielle von Zerneck. She’s a geek because she wears giant glasses according to the guide to creating 80’s stereotypes for movies.Michael doesn’t get the extra credit he hopes for when the time machine suddenly absorbs their hippy science teacher played by Dennis Hopper via a failed battery jump. The time machine, now feeding off an electric outlet starts warping in artifacts from the past like an extreme episode of Antique Road Show and Michael has to stop it from destroying the fabric of time and space. All this before Magnum P.I. starts.

Apparently electricity is really slow so it gives Michael just enough time to race the bolt of electric current out of town in his supercharged GTO and rig up a series of elaborate explosives to a utility tower. Mike’s Buddy,Vince, who fits the role of Italian greaser nicely, helps him rob a store for the explosives and helps get them arrested. Soon they have to infiltrate the high school which is now over run with gladiators, dinosaurs, and other football player mascot wanna-be’s to help save his girlfriend from a fate of permanent home room detention.

The movie is pure 80’s cheese but an enjoyable trip back in time. Remember to pack your leg warmers and bring some extra hairspray when traveling time warps and look out for stoned hippie cowboys on the way out. Oh and bring a potato.

Keep an eye out for…
– Spencer Gift Shop $20 electro-globes
– ancient wookie attack
– T-Rex seeking rocket launchers
– storm trooper vandals
– Dennis Hopper Hysterics
– apocalyptic mutant attack
– muscle cars that can exceed the speed of light
– grease monkey and nerd co-op teams
– Good Fellas extras reject

Why does Dennis Hopper always play a crazed hippy?

rated 8.2 out of 10 for the movie Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out a scene from My Science Project

Jun

Comments Off on Demons

Demon

“I don’t know which hurts more…being eaten by a demon or you twisting my nipples like that.”

Dario Argento the Italian master of horror wrote this little 80’s gem of terror. Yes the same man responsible for movies with underwater zombie/shark fight scenes and close up eye gougings.

Cheryl (Natasha Hovey) is your typical American girl living in the big American city (which appears to be West Berlin but whose nit picking?) On her way home from her communist rally she is stalked by a chromed masked guy in break dancin’ parachute pants who is giving away some free movie tickets. This stalker-marketing approach seems to work as she asks for another ticket for her equally dim-witted big haired friend-Hannah (Fiore Argento.)

That night at the theater opening, a big frizzy haired workers dressed like a giant leprechaun works the ticket booth and patrol the audience with her annoying flashlight. Among the small audience there’s a blind man and his seeing-eye girlfriend whose job it is to explain what’s happening in the film. She also likes to sneak away to make out with the greasy stranger in the back of the theater. There’s also a pimp and a couple of his employees taking a break from a long day at work. I knew he was a pimp from his disco leisure suit and the giant satellite sized gold medallion around his neck.

While at the theater Cheryl and her friend encounter a couple yuppies in polo shirts and tennis sweaters just fresh from shooting their docker pants commercials. Anyone that wears a sweater wrapped around their neck deserve a demon attack. The movie-within-the movie begins and has some teens motor-crossing across some ancient ruins eventually encountering a burial mask that turns them into a pointy teethed demon creatures. While seeing this on screen one of the theater patrons also transforms into a drooling demon and goes on a carnivorous rampage turning other theater patrons into monsters via some vicious neck slashing, eye gougings (of course) and impromoto lynchings. The survivors try to flee only to find an apparently fast contractor built a wall over the exits trapping them in so they instead barricade themselves on the balcony hoping for a rescue.

Meanwhile in what seems and entirely separate film, some coke snorting cola drinking Billy Idol fans are cruising the streets in on of their mom’s station wagon. Exchanging witty banter and eluding the cops through a series of carefully signaled right turns, they break into the now demon possessed theater. But unfortunately they get turned into demons themselves….so not really much of a character change for them. The movie continues into a cat and mouse chase ending with a helicopter crash. Yeah I was confused too.

What is the mystery of the creepy theater? Who will survive the night? Why do movie snacks cost more than the tickets? How many times did I mention the word “demons” in this review? All these questions and more are answered in “Demons.” This is one of few “Italian made, English dubbed, movies filmed in West Berlin that is supposed to be an American city” movies that I’ve enjoyed, so I say check it out and always be sure to check your pimps and ho’s for demon scratches.

Keep an eye out for…

– ticket scalping Phantom of the Opera rejects
– bald pimps in white leisure suits
– face scratching Halloweens props
– motorcycling samauri lobby displays
– illegal use of Billy Idol music in a station wagon
– eye gouging, neck scratching, leg chewin’, finger choppin’ demon party animals
– the handy-dandy Ginsu demon slicer

If gold medallions are a sign of being a pimp would Mr. T be the king of all pimps? I pity da pimps.

rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Demons

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Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>