“We have a strict no plaid…no hat…no service policy here in the town of Nilbog.”

Well after seeing what I thought are some of the worse films captured to celluloid, this barrel scraper actually lifts up the barrel to find a scummy underlining of cinematic excrement. It’s legendary among b-movie fans for it’s pure awfulness and it really does exceed it’s reputation. It’s not actually a sequel to Troll 1 as this films contains no story, no acting, and amazingly no trolls! There are however midgets dressed in cheesy goblin masks prancing through the woods and eating people they turned into green goo. This Italian directed American horror film is so bad it’s like it’s some sort of weird alternate universe of movies where actors have only 3 emotional responses…. dull, apathetic, or wooden. The cast obviously needed to get back to their day jobs at Arby’s.

It starts with the world’s dumbest family who decide a neat vacation would be to switch houses for the summer with a farmhouse family. “No Dad we don’t want to go to Disney world…let’s go stay on a farm instead!” They travel to a town called NILBOG. Yes they named it NILBOG…the creative writers really burned out a few brain cells coming up with that unique name.

The family’s creepy kid Josh, played by Michael Stephson, sweats and grimaces like he’s constipated. He hallucinates that he’s turning into a tree or sees the floating head of his dead grandfather who warns him of the evil that lurks in NILBOG. Josh tries to warn his parents of the goblin threat through constant whining and some food urination but that surprisingly doesn’t get him very far. Also making her debut is the popcorn goblin queen Creedence played by Deborah Reed. Her acting style can best be described as excruciating and her overacted monologues would make William Shatner jealous. Along for the ride is Josh’s sister who can only be calmed by a round of singing “row row row your boat”, a song the mom “likes so well.” She must be on the same medication as her constipated son. The Dad just drives the car and threatens his children with food strikes if they don’t shape up which is an effective if not weird form of punishment. There’s also a gang of annoying teens that camp nearby in a big old RV . This is convenient for the dim witted yet still much smarter goblins who end up turning them into walking salad bars. I never knew goblins hated meat before I saw this movie and I still don’t I care.

I really can’t you give you much of an overview of the plot. There really wasn’t one. Maybe you can find it along with an actual troll. I consider this required viewing for b-movie enthusiasts but be prepared for some deep hurting. May I suggest downloading the rifftrax by MST3K Michael J. Nelson to make this movie much more bearable and even more hilarious. So check it out and “Be afraid be twice as afraid!”

Keep an eye out for…

- popcorn lovin’ goblin queens
- floating talking heads of dead relatives
- row-row-your-boat of terror
- pale green food topped with green goo..yummy.
- potted teens…and they’re not even high.
- trolls? where are the trolls? I see goblins but no trolls?
- a town named NILBOG? I knew this movie would be a big pile of PARC
- did I just see an evil monkey fart flames and fly into the air?
- demented Ewoks on crack wearing goblin masks
- RV cruising teen geeks
- 9 year old whiny kids with glandular problems.
- Gatoraid sweating
- the double decker bologna sandwich anti-goblin defense
- sheriff Freak…yes that his real name.

“There’re sandwiches for tonight! It’ll go easier on you if you eat’em. Otherwise, we’ll be forced to kill you VIOLENTLY!” -resident goblin

rated 1.4 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Troll 2

“Dude, you’re like a giant Q-tip!”

Before Johnny Depp stole the show with his drunken Keith Richards impersonation, there was the original great Pirate movie of the 80’s called Ice Pirates. In a galaxy gone dry where water has become the only thing of value, we can always count on watered down actors like Robert “made for tv acting” Urich to save the day. Mr. Urich plays Jason, the swash buckling leader of the ice pirates that also include Ron Perlman and Angelica Houston (both of which must have accidentally wandered onto the wrong movie set.) Ice pirates are not a Canadian hockey team, nor is it a musical on ice, but is a gang of rebels who steal frozen water from the government to sell to the locals. They’re not really all that intimidating as pirates looking more like rejects from the local renaissance festival equipped with laser pistols and swords. They mostly rely on the swords for their pure swash buckeling-ness.

The crew attacks a local ice carrying government ship and yes the ship even looks like a giant ice cube tray. I swear my 7 year old kid could do these special effects better himself. While stealing the ice blocks they accidentally encounter a frozen princess named Karina who Jason immediately falls in love with. He attempts to steal her from the ship like she’s the last Swasons TV dinner left in the fridge but is captured by the ruthless overlord Zorn. We know Zorn is very evil and very stupid because he says things like “Killing you would be too easy. I have something better in mind for you!” ugh..typical dumb bad guy move.

So he delays their execution by sending them to the planet Mirtha to be castrated and lobotomized and used as slaves. Instead of the traditional years of marriage that would normally take to incur such a punishment for a man, they’re put on a assembly line given a shave and almost have their twigs and berries chomped off by an vicious looking crotch claw (Yikes!). Luckily the princess decides to help them escape before that can happen and uses them to find her father who supposedly knows the secret location of a lost water planet. Hmmm…what planet could that be? give you a clue It rhymes with girth.

Jason and his Crew arrive at yet another pit-stop planet, this one covered in fog to hide the fact the movie was probably running out of budget and is inhabited by Amazonian woman who ride magical white unicorns. I think had that dream once……anyways, princess Karina doesn’t find her father but does find an annoying body-less head that looks like the guy from tv hollywood squares who whines a lot. He reluctantly helps them find the time warp after a nose tickling Guantanamo-style torture. As Jason and the crew travel through the time warp they start to age rapidly. Old people turn to skeleteons, young couples get busy and have babies, guys grow big afros and long beards, it’s like Woodstock all over again man. Will they survive and find Girth? Will they have unlimited supplies of snow cones? Will they be able to clear up a vicious case of space herpies? Check it out for yourself. You’ll be glad you did.

Keep an eye out for…

- robot kung-fu
- unicorn riding amazon woman
- extreme afros
- jive speaking robot pimps
- crotch claws
- gopher shootin’
- frog-women who drink too much
- freshness sealed princesses
- space herpies
- robot family drive-bys

I always wondered how many people can you fit on a motorcycle…this movie dares to answer such an age old question.

rated 7.9 out of 10 for the movie.

learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Ice Pirates

“That’s either Elvis or a werewolf.”

Ho-Tep-1. Relative or descendent of the 17 Egyptian dynasties, 3100-1550 B.C. 2. Family surname of Egyptian Pharaoh (king).

Bubba-1. Male from the southern U.S. 2. Good Ole Boy
3.Cracker, Red Neck, Trailer Park Resident.

Slap the two together like peanut butter and bananas you’ve got yourself a fine b-movie sandwich called Bubba Ho-Tep. Bruce Campbell stars as the king of rock n’ roll who secretly now resides in a creepy retirement facility (the waiting room for God.) and no Elvis has not left this building..in fact he’s pretty much stuck in bed talking to himself and complaining about a growth on his pecker that may or may not be cancer.

Elvis had decided to trade places with an Elvis impersonator a few years back. You’d think that if you were Elvis and wanted to blend with the crowd you trade with a middle aged over-weight league bowler from Biloxi. Good hip movement is critical in a successful bowling technique after all.

His performance days are put to an end though when he breaks his hip during a local impersonation show (there goes the bowling league) and is sent to spend his remaining days at a anti-luxury retirement center in the Texas backwoods. He soon discovers that residents are dying off faster than usual and with the help of his friend John F. Kennedy, a aging black man who thinks he’s the former president, they begin to unravel the mystery. Turns out it’s an ancient mummy who has taken up residence at the home for it’s all you can eat buffet of death and is sucking residence souls through any available orifice (yeah you get the picture). He’s also a very snappy dresser in his mummy cowboy boats and hat and is generally ticked off at being dead.

Elvis and JFK do battle against this ancient pharoah with the help of their walker and motorized wheel chair while they attempt to defend the home’s residents against the onslaught of the mummy’s soul-food diet.This is a great little horror/comedy that if anything will make you be even nicer to your kids so they don’t put you in a similar home when you’re old.

Keep an eye out for…

- BBQ/napalm trailer park accidents
- soul sucking redneck mummies in cowboy boots
- offensive Egyptian bathroom graffiti
- kleptomaniac Grandmas
- motorized wheel chair kung-fu
- Senior Walkers Texas Rangers
- flying Elvis

at no point did Elvis say “uh hey there uh pretty mummy”
rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Bubba Ho-Tep.