Archive for the 'Feature' Category

Dec

posted by Doktor | December 29, 2016 | 80's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Fifth Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Fifth Slay of Xmas: To All a GoodNight

Orphanages are bad, but that’s because the nuns running them are horrible demons sent from hell to torment the children. Girl’s finishing school are even worse, but that’s because the hell spawn are the girls living there. Self-centered and backstabbing, their only concern is to drug the den mother so they can have their boyfriends over for sex and drugs.

They all deserve to die.

Well, in the harsh reality of the horror movies they do. In real life their just misunderstood delicate little snowflakes. So, parents, if you want to spare your little angel be sure to look into the boarding house and the den mother. If you find either of the following do not leave your daughter over Xmas break, she will end up a holiday statistic, done in by a psychotic Santa:

  • The den mother lost her sweet baby girl because of the whoring sluts she lived with.
  • The den mother is married to a police officer who is in charge of investigating homicides.

If both are true then you might consider a different school. Who knows what other nut jobs this place has hired. Better to be safe than sorry.

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Sixth Slay of Xmas: Santa’s Slay

Watch “To All a Goodnight”

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dripper
Dec

posted by Doktor | December 28, 2016 | 80's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Fourth Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Fourth Slay of Xmas: Elves

Never take Grandpa’s old German books. Nothing good can ever come from old German books. We all know the ANY story with old German stuff necessarily involves Nazis. Duh! Things get worse when you’re a young teenage girl of the blond hair, blue eye, master race variety (as are most ingenue in horror films). Take Kirsten, this is exactly the path she takes and ends up forming the idiotic cult Sisters of Anti-Xmas. She and her two friends pray to the virgin of Anti-Xmas in a woodland ritual which includes complaining about it being cold, and dirty, and ugh, yuck!

In the end her friends all die, as does her family, and she’s left with Dan “Grizzly Adams” Haggerty. Books, especially old German ones, are bad. Burn ‘em!

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Fifth Slay of Xmas: To All a Goodnight

Watch the trailer for “Elves”

trailers

dripper
Dec

posted by Doktor | December 27, 2016 | 90's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Third Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Third Slay of Xmas: Feeders 2: Slay Bells

One Xmas you might get a video camera from Santa. Maybe you hate the world and everyone in it. Maybe you’re tempted to make a movie, a sequel to your first flop film. Don’t do it. Please. For the love of Christ, don’t do it. The Hammond organ you use for the soundtrack will drown out everything else in the movie. The video effects your Atari 1040STE is capable of creating are only slightly better than crayon drawings by a person suffering a Grand Mal seizure. Most damning, the alien invaders will be attacking Wellsboro, Pennsylvania and no one cares about Wellsboro, Pennsylvania.

Get some shots of the family. Perhaps make a sex tape. Mostly just let it collect dust in the closet. The world will thank you for keeping it to yourself.

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Fourth Slay of Xmas: Elves

Watch the trailer for “Feeders 2: Slay Bells”

trailers

dripper
Dec

posted by Doktor | December 26, 2016 | 80's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Second Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Second Slay of Xmas: Silent Night, Deadly Night 2

Ricky, Billy’s (Silent Night, Deadly Night) little brother, escapes prison and goes on a killing spree thanks to an overconfident psychologist, Dr. Bloom. Bloom’s hubris has him believe he can interview a vicious serial murderer alone. Wrong! Never go it alone. Ever.

No matter how maximum the security, security is never adequate to stop a determined serial killer, especially one who comes from a family of psycho killers. So for the love of God keep the guard in the interview chamber with you, and if possible, have the guard armed with the weapon trained on Ricky (or whomever) the whole time!

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Third Slay of Xmas: Feeders 2: Slay Bells

Watch the trailer for “Silent Night, Deadly Night 2”

trailers

dripper
Dec

posted by Doktor | December 25, 2016 | 80's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The First Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The First Slay of Xmas: Silent Night, Deadly Night

Billy became a serial killer because of Santa Claus. That’s right, good old Saint Nick drove Billy bug nut crazy. Well, sort of. Really it was Billy’s family. Had the family not taken a trip to the nut house to visit Grandpa life would have played out differently.

It is believed that holidays are about spending quality time with family. This is a recipe for tragedy. Don’t do it. Family is horrible. Why subject yourself to that nightmare? Stay at home, safe and sound in your pjs, snacking on peppermint sticks and watching the late, late, late movie!

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Second Slay of Xmas: Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.

Watch the trailer for “Silent Night, Deadly Night”

trailers

dripper

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