Archive for the 'Feature' Category

Feb

posted by Barry Goodall | February 4, 2014 | Feature

Comments Off on Top 5 B-Movies Of 2013

In the early months of a new year, movie fanatics tend to spend a great deal of time looking back on the year that’s just passed. To a great extend, this is because Hollywood’s award shows occur from January through early March that highlight some of the best mainstream performances and movies from the previous 12 months. But what about the B-movies? Naturally, none of our favorite “cult classics” and B-movie material will be making an appearance on Oscar night As a way to honor the most enjoyable movies of the past year, here are our top five B-movies of 2013.

5. Attack From Beneath

If you think back to the late spring movie season in 2013, you probably remember endless coverage of “Pacific Rim,” a $190 million Hollywood blockbuster featuring ridiculous battles between monsters rising out of the ocean and man-made machines fresh out of the god-awful “Transformers” series. Well, “Attack From Beneath” was Asylum’s response to “Pacific Rim,” featuring essentially the same plot line, but done with a great deal more self-awareness. Here’s the thing: no amount of money or special effects capability can make this sort of movie realistic. It’s always going to be cheesy, and by embracing that side of things, “Attack From Beneath” becomes the more entertaining of the two movies.

4. Europa Report

Included on the B-Movie Shelf‘s top-10 B-movies of 2013 list, “Europa Report” is a somewhat unorthodox selection, as it really doesn’t deal in typical themes like horror, gore, shock value, etc. Actually, it doesn’t even really mock itself! What it does do is provide the best example of the effectiveness of found-footage approach to filming since “Cloverfield” (which, while far from perfect, used the technique to enjoyable effect). Basically, it’s a film about a deep space mission to the Jupiter moon Europa along with all the complications and issues that can ensue on such a mission. And really, it’s done very well.

3. Frankenstein’s Army

Let’s face it: zombie and undead themes remain red-hot, and it’s not just “World War Z.” Actually, gaming may be the best example of just how popular these themes are. It starts with the “zombie mode” in the Call Of Duty games attributing for a great deal of the series’ popularity, but it extends into different corners of the industry as well. Upon looking through the web-based Bet Fair casino, you can see that they feature a host of arcade and slot games offering real money gambling. Included in there are “Monster Cash” (featuring Frankenstein art) and the cartoonish “Day Of The Dead” slot machine. These are examples of the seemingly ever-lasting popularity of zombie themes, and “Frankenstein’s Army” taps into this market wonderfully. It provides what is essentially a World War II monster movie for the ages. It’s another found-footage experience, but what stands out is the classic elements of monsters, gore, and classic creepiness. An
d it’s all in the horrifically imagined backdrop of a Frankenstein/WWII combination setting. Yes, please.

2. Age Of Dinosaurs

While everything from literature and popular film to arcade gaming options displays the popularity of zombie fiction, dinosaurs have faded slightly from public imagination. However, they appear to be making a return soon. On the big screen, the comeback will arrive in the form of “Jurassic World” in 2015. But for B-movie lovers, it came with 2013’s “Age Of Dinosaurs.” There really isn’t much to say about the plot, for those who haven’t seen it. Just know that if you decide to check this movie out, you’re setting yourself up for what comes across as a delightful, endless blend of dinosaur attacks done with just the right blend of gore and levity.

1. Sharknado

It’s been some time since a B-movie captured widespread public attention quite like Sharknado did in 2013. Now available on Netflix, Sharknado is the hilariously over-the-top account of, well… a shark tornado. Technically, it’s the story of a hurricane ravaging Los Angeles by way of whirling sharks into the air and onto the land. All the ridiculous horror you can possibly imagine—and then some—comes about as a result. This is another gem from Asylum.

Dec

posted by Barry Goodall | December 12, 2013 | Feature, Uncategorized

Comments Off on the Mutants B-Movie Gift Wishlist

Tis the Season for B-movie goodness and the Lost Highway mutants are hoping Santa brings them something soaked in b-movie cheese sauce. You should buy one of each of these  gift ideas for every member of your family this holiday season. If you don’t, then it’s obvious that you don’t love them.

The Goon’s Gift List

I no longer would have to wonder who I could call with my very own unlicensed nuclear accelerator. Busting ghosts around the crib would no longer be a hassle. I could also start a side business, kinda like when kids mow your lawn for twenty bucks, but they do a really bad job of it.

How else would you listen to one of the greatest soundtracks to a horror film in the past decade? One of the coolest companies, putting out one of the coolest soundtracks on vinyl, Mondo even got artist extraordinaire Jeff Proctor to illustrate the sleeve.

You will know I am the law when you see me strolling in my neighborhood wearing this badboy, day and night. Of course, it looks like it doesn’t vent well and would probly get really stinky. Then again, it would probly gain me a whole lot of respect. Judges don’t get much street cred.

Tiger Sixon’s Gift List


If’n you’re gonna go out and bust some heads, why not do it in style with a Warrior’s Vest? Start your own gang, which could come in handy while shopping for gifts.

Winter calls for a good quality hat, and there ain’t no better hat than the one Kurt Russell wore in The Thing. Sure, it might not make you a better chess player or helicopter pilot, but dang-it, you’ll sure look good.

Everyone needs a buddy for watchin’ bad movies, and who could be better than Mr. Crow T. Robot? Now, I’ll have someone besides the rats to keep me company.

Barry Goodall’s Gift List

The perfect gift for that favorite 99% in your life. Blend in with the rest of our alien overlords with this amazingly detailed mask from Trick or Treat Studios. No need to get into a 10 minute street fight to force your buddy wear a pair of sunglasses to see it.

Despite playing a unhealthy level of video games when left alone at the carnie trailer I never actually got to play this little gem of 80’s horror-gaming. From what I hear the graphics are ground breaking, Jason has never looked more horrifying and there’s a special god mode that allows you play as a virgin.

I know it’s hard to believe but I didn’t use to be as popular with the ladies as I am today. That was until I bought one of these amazing Twilight movie hairdryers. I immediately was more attractive to pretty girls with little or no personalities.  and despite my own blandness, my skin began to sparkle in the sunlight. Thought I might enjoy a good pint of  blood now I find myself getting into a lot more werewolf fights than I use to.

The Doktor

All I want for Xmas, Hanukkah, Eid, my birthday, Easter, and/or any other gift-giving holiday for the rest of eternity is Han Solo’s DL-44 Blaster. I spent more hours of my life pretending to be Han Solo than anything else. Granted, it’s a bit weird now that I’m 40, but I will be so much more validated armed with the gun that shot Greedo PREEMPTIVELY (that means first, Lucas) under the table like a good smuggler’s gun would.

Make it so! Number one!

Die-Anne Takillya

What gal wouldn’t just looove for Santa to have left this under her tree?  The McFarlane Movie Maniacs Leatherface, complete with bony stand! Any fan of the greatest move ever made (in my humble opinion) would cherish this like it was their child.

How could Christmas be complete without a seance? That’s why the next thing I would ask ol’ St. Nick for is a Witchboard! Now we can find all our lost wedding rings, hidden eggs from last Easter, and maybe Jimmy Hoffa! Just watch out, if you meet Captain Howdy, run for the hills!

The final item, well, items on my list are the Bandai Godzilla figures. From the classic Godzilla to MechaGodzilla to Mothra and Ghidora… I would have a blast with these. Just think about the awesome fights you could have around the tree!

Jan

posted by Barry Goodall | January 25, 2013 | Feature

Comments Off on Welcome The PallBearer Press

Our latests advertising partner, The PallBearer Press has some gruesome gifts for your favorite ghoul. Checkout their great selection of movie shirts, pillows, action figures and even halloween masks. http://www.pallbearerpress.com/

Pallbearer Press

Jan

posted by Barry Goodall | January 15, 2013 | Feature

Comments Off on Introducing the Undead Warehouse

Checkout our newest advertising partner, The Undead Warehouse. They have tons of zombie clothing including hoodies, shirts, hats and dripping goodies like targets, posters and stickers. Get your undead freak-on. http://www.undeadwarehouse.com/

The Undead Warehouse

Dec

Comments Off on our picks for best post-apocalyptic films

The Mayans may have just punked us for armageddon so we thought it might be best to get our favorite post-apocalyptic films online just in case they forgot daylight savings. Sure the Mayans brought us corn and mayonaise but they could have never predicted these films of the apocalypse. So without further ado, here’s our mutant editor’s picks.


Di-Anne Takillya’s Pick: “Escape from New York”

Escape From New York: My favorite above all other post-apocalyptic movies; The president’s plane has crash-landed in the New York penal colony, and they’ve gotta get him out! But how? Send in the ultimate in bad-assery, Snake Plissken! The eyepatch wearin’, scruffy-cheeked, leather-clad assassin is basically shanghaied by the government to go get the President back. He’s given a glider, a tracker, and a gun, then dropped over the fence. He meets up with a cabbie who runs the streets like the Devil hisseself is at his heels, and joins forces with The Brain and Adrienne Barbeau to pry the president from the clutches of The Duke. (Who, incidentally, is A-Number 1, and don’t you forget it!) Chock full of fights, sneaking around, and horrible (early) computer graphics, you get your top-secret cassette tape’sworth out of this flick. I watch this movie almost religiously; which is getting rough on my liver, because if you watch the movie like I do, you take a drink every time someone says, “Snake,” “Plissken,” “Duke,” or “President.”

I can’t go this whole time without mentioning that Donald Plesance plays the president, and you can tell that Dr. Loomis has done very well for himself, except for now The Duke is holding him for ransom, and The Duke is one bad mother- Shut your mouth! Hey, I’m just talking about The Duke! He’s debasing and humiliating the president, and that just won’t be tolerated! The Snake… Plisskin busts him loose, and the chase is on! Blam, boom, POW! The president is safe, long live democracy! A happy, or at least as happy an ending as John Carpenter will allow, which I think is good when the apocalypse is going down. At least there aren’t any aliens or the anti-Christ!

Tiger Sixon’s Pick: “The Road Warrior”

Resource scarcity is a scary thing, be it water, Twinkies, or as Road Warrior (aka Mad Max 2) warns us, clothing. Wait, I mean gasoline. There seems to be a shortage of pants as well for some reason, as leather underwear is pretty much the standard workplace attire. As a post-apocalyptic fable, Road Warrior nails it: civilization has gone to hell (at least in Australia. Things might be slightly better in Milwaukee), gasoline is worth more than gold, and it is survival of the fittest.

And like any great b-movie, Road Warrior has a villain wearing a goalie mask: The Humungus. He speaks a bit more than Jason too, or heck even Max himself. That’s right, Mel Gibson, back before he went off the deep end, only has about four lines. Maybe five an’ half. I ain’t counting grunts an’ groans neither. That would probably bump him up to about ten.

Survival is a main theme of Road Warrior, as in bein’ able to survive on what ya can. If that means eatin’ dog food, so be it. If that means picking over corpses for music boxes, OK. And if’n that means having to sew yer own leather jackets or underoos, then go for it. Yes, Road Warrior is pretty much a documentary survival. Except super-violent and full of desolation. But, if you look past all the sand, blood, and leather, Road Warrior teaches ya a few things.

The most important of which might be: “Don’t try to catch a razor sharp boomerang with yer bare hands.”

Tiger Sixon says, Road Warrior is a must watch.

General Relativity’s Pick: “Waterworld.”

I am from the future, so to me what you call a “post-apocalyptic thriller” is what I would call a “documentary.”  Of these, Waterworld most accurately portrays the poisoned ecological hellscape you people have inflicted upon my present.  Sure, they laughed at Kevin Costner back in 1995, but now that your cities are flooding, and the fish and polar bears are dying, and the rains have stopped, I don’t see anyone giggling.  Just wait until the fish-people start showing up.


Also, “Waterworld” is hilarious.  I mean, the dude drinks his pee.  And there is our dearly departed Dennis Hopper in a performance second only to his turn in “Super Mario Brothers.”  And Jane Tripplehorn was at her hottest in 1995.  And how did those horses survive on Everest?  Wouldn’t the Yetis rule the Earth?  These questions aside, I recommend you start saving up your dirt to use as money, because you want to be in the 1% when the ice caps flood and the evil jet ski pirates show up for your trimaran.  Dry land is not a myth!


The Doktor’s Pick: “Hell Comes to Frogtown”

Michael Stipe said it best when he said, “Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.” Personally that song gives me the diarrhea (cha, cha, cha), but that’s neither here nor there.

Speaking of painful colonic discharge, how’s about that Mayan end o’ the world stuff? If this is the end of the world, I feel fine. Mostly because the end is like every other day. Mostly.

What would be awesome is if the end of the world was exactly like Hell Comes to Frogtown. The frog mutant creatures would be a bummer, but getting chauffeured in a 50’s panel van with a M60 machine gun, piloted by Sandahl “Valeria” Bergman and Cec Verrell would more than make up for it.

Here’s the gist: Nuclear war mutates frogs into mutant frog men creatures, sterilizes most of humanity and kills off most of the men. Into this arena comes a man, Sam Hell (Roddy “Hot Rod” Piper). Naturally, it’s his duty to get up in that boo— I, erhm, mean, he is sought after for his milk of mannesia, as it were, by the provisional government to help bolster the human population. The only problem is, the fertile virgins he has to impregnate are in the clutches of Commander Toty, the evil leader of the greenies, a derogatory term for the frog people. So Sam, Spangle and Centinella have to make a trip to Frogtown to get ‘em back. Can he do it? Hell yeah! It’s Roddy “Nada” Piper. Duh!

Giallo Goon’s Pick: “Future Force”

In the distant future 1991, so the distant future about twenty years ago, crime was at an all time high. The cops are no longer in control, so they were sold to a corporation (no, not OCP) who then rounded up the rootinest, tootenest rowdy bounty hunters there ever were. They were judge, jury and executioners. They were known as Judges… oh, sorry. I was thinking of a better movie. These dupes are known as COPS. I know what you’re thinking: “Wait, so they fired the cops and formed COPS?” Yup. Civilian Operated Police… Something. I can’t really remember what the ‘S’ stood for. So why wouldn’t they just give the police more power or declare martial law? Look, it’s all very complicated, but in a few words, you wouldn’t have David Carradine drunkenly beat people up. Carradine plays the lone wolf on a justice mission, John Tucker. He has the quickest draw and the meanest attitude. Cleary a healthy candidate to be dishing out lethal justice.

So in a huge shocking twist, turns out the CEO of this corporation (we are going to call them Evil Co), is *choke* *gasp* a bad guy! A TV reporter who will later become the pale, pasty love interest to Tucker, catches wind of all his wrong doings. A bounty is put on her head and Tucker intercepts her, only to learn the truth. Together, they fight through waves of mulleted thugs and misinformed mulleted COPS and finally take on the villain himself in the ultimate battle of good and evil. Tucker does this with the most advanced form of weaponry: A remote controlled, groin socking, laser shooting power glove! This advanced piece of death technology is at Tucker’s disposable whenever he needs, which is like twice. He could seriously use it all the time and it would save him so much trouble, but he only uses it at the beginning to show off his cool toys and then at the end to remind you so you go, ‘Oh yeah, I thought he had that thing.’ Nothing can stop him. Not the hundreds of thousands of bullets shot by machine guns, snipers, grenades, thugs with knives, people punching him in his doughy mid section or literally the dozens of jack booted thugs in leather vests that pile drive him. Nothing will stop Tucker from getting to the ultimate truth: That he was once in Kung Fu.

So if you like seeing ripped denim and eye patched thugs with the coolest hair styles in a post apocalyptic 90’s (sorry, Full House has been canceled… perminately!) or watching a drunken David Carradine phone in a performance and stumble around and slur cheesy one liners all to hair feathering 90’s rock, then Future Force is for you!

Oh and the best part… there is a sequel, Future Zone!

Barry Goodall’s Pick: “Zardoz”

Some movies make perfect sense. Movies like “the Godfather” , “Star Wars” or “Breaking 2: Electric Boogalloo”  But others take you to a whole new level of weird and incomprehensible. A place where reality and time don’t matter. A dimension where you’ll find the movies like “Zardoz” waiting for you.

But what exactly is a Zardoz? Well, it’s not a new cholesterol drug but it could have some of the same long lasting side effects.. dizziness, upset stomach, a lost of free will. It could have been a 80’s hairband since it contains many of the same outfits. Zardoz is actually a giant floating head that upchucks guns and ammo to aborigines like an NRA bulimic. Sean Connery is our post apocalyptic hero in a leather man-kini who hides inside the giant noggin’ and shoots the pilot right above his drawn on mustache. Why? because he’s James Bond wearing hooker boots that’s why!

The head flies him to the Vortex, a land of cellophaned house plants and lazy immortals needing Viagara. That’s where he’s kept as a pet forced to watch 70’s porn and have tests performed on him, usually involving sharp things poked at his crotch. He escapes to a retirement home where a bunch of old people can’t die but are forced to listen to ragtime  music and wear their prom outfits for eternity. Feeling sorry for all the old folk, He invites his aboriginal friends into the vortex to put them out of their misery. Oh, and there’s boobies…lots of boobies. So much nudity I felt overdressed watching it. At some point in the film Sean Connery wears a full on wedding gown… I passed out from shock & horror, “Double oh please make this stop!”  Yes, this movie was bad but it was based on the Wizard of Oz book which makes perfect sense if you’re taking experimental drugs living in a 70’s commune. Barry Goodall says check it out and If you feel the same  way then congratulations, you’ve been Zardozed. Now go get a job you dirty hippy.

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