Archive for the 'foreign' Category

Oct

posted by Doktor | October 2, 2011 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, foreign, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on A*P*E (Attacking Primate Monster)

Tagline: Ten Tons of Animal Fury Leaps from the Screen

Year: 1976 Runtime: 87 min

Director: Paul Leder

Writer: Paul Leder & Reuben Leder

Starring: Rod Arrants, Joanna Kerns, Alex Nicol

Let me start off by saying I don’t know how A*P*E is an acronym for Attacking Primate Monster. That was what IMDb listed as the title in Asia. Considering this movie, that acronym is perfect.

Anyhow, I just wanted to say that. Now to the review proper.

Not to be outdone in the Kaiju proliferation race, A*P*E is Korea’s version of King Kong, henceforth in this review to be called Korean King Kong. Korean King Kong is exactly like American King Kong, but different. Mostly, Korean King Kong’s filmmakers didn’t have the budget for special effects, mostly. This translates as some poor schmuck in a gorilla suit, forced perspective and G-scale models.

So, add this to the list of films made because someone knew someone who owned a gorilla suit.

Korean King Kong also has a special super power, Maggie Seavers Fever. The symptom, I mean ability, of his super power allows Korean King Kong to home in on the precise location of Maggie Seavers no matter where she is—so long as she’s Seoul, South Korea, of course.

Oh, yeah, by the way, Maggie Seavers is the blonde love interest for Korean King Kong.

Speaking of South Korea, how does anyone live there? That question is not a slam against the people, or the land or anything like that. My question comes from my genuine concern about the explosive nature of everything in South Korea: concrete and steel buildings, cashier checks, rock, pot noodles, lambs, everything. Even the water explodes.

No wonder Kim Jong Il is so pissed off. I would be too.

I don’t want to sound like I’m solely picking on the Koreans in this film. There are far greater defuses, namely the US army. Specifically, why in the hell would helicopters buzz Korean King Kong? Did the army forget that they can hover well out of reach? Well, uhm, duh. The answer is obviously yes, since they buzzed Korean King Kong instead of hovering safely out of reach. Idiots.

Finally, to return to our ingenue, whereas I loved Maggie Seavers in Growing Pains, her acting strength is not as a Scream Queen. Every time she goes into her frantic shrieking, I wanted to claw my ears out. As I’m on blood thinners, I decided it would be better to just mute the TV.

roadside attractions

  • Miniature boat explosion.
  • Wonton model destruction.
  • Korean King Kong wrasslin’ with a dead shark.
  • Korean King Kong throws snake at camera (and hits it)
  • Korean King Kong stepping over toy cow.
  • Korean King Kong playing with hang glider.
  • Korean King Kong flipping off army helicopter.
  • Joanna “Maggie Seavers” Kerns as Korean King Kong’s blonde love interest.
  • Familyland (Korea’s answer to Disneyland)
  • Lots of riveting evacuation action.
  • Lots of riveting troop deployment action.
  • Korean King Kong scale keeps changing.
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Technically 0, but what it lacked in blood it made up for in explosions

3

blood

BREASTS

Technically 0, but hearing someone say “Remember, Greg, rape her gently.” in regards to Maggie Seavers, I had to give it something.

10

beast

BEASTS

Korean King Kong

7.0 OVERALL
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Nov

posted by admin | November 27, 2010 | 80's movies, Action, foreign, Review by Barry Goodall, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on “Lady Terminator” Rest Stop Review Edition

Lady Terminator

It's a 5 gun salute of b-movie cheese.

The queen of the ocean has been snagging and bagging guys back in her indonesian castle. Of course, no man can satisfy her so she kills them all mid-act by chomping off their twig and berries. Her years on the thigh master finally paying off. A former scandnavian weight trainer shows up to try to satisfy her but after a long night of ardvarking he removes a snake from between her legs that turns into a dagger thus vanquishing her to the ocean for 100 years. I think that’s same sex ed video they showed in catholic school. She vows she’ll return for revenge on his great granddaughter but only if she’s a Sheena Easton wanna-be in leg warmers. As luck would have it, a 100 years later it’s the 80’s and a self proclaimed anthropologist Tania (Barabara Ann Constalbe) is researching ocean queenology. Sadly it’s her college major and she has a paper due. She finds a books from a creepy old Mr. Miyagee that tells her the location of the dagger is just off the coast so they set out for scuba diving and some boatside swimsuit modeling. The boat is wiped out by a surprised tidal wave and she is held captive in a secret underwater cave by a frisky Craftmatic mattress until she posseseed by a snake eel. The worse first date ever.

She emerges nude from the ocean as the newly crowned queen demon but now with built in eye lazers and a hunger for blood. She bags a few beach bums and tasers them just before trading her thigh master in for some leather pants and a machine gun. Tani-terminator goes on a murderous killing spree wiping out just about everybody. Erica (Claudia Angelique Rademaker) is the bad pop singer she’s been trying to kill that’s been wearing her magic amulet. Fortunately for Erica the ocean queen has bad aim and walks pretty slow due to restrictive hot pants. A dimwitted cop tries to protect her from her  spandex driv-e bys but ends up getting most of the police force and some mall walkers wiped out instead.

Plenty of 3B’s and yup even nudity  in this one, which is surprising for a movie out of indonesia. Guys there are more likely to get excited seeing exposed ankles. Roadside Attractions:  Multiple shagging deaths, electric eyeball tasers, car crash and burns, helicopter explosion, road rage, eye popping, cop tossing, death by shopping, burnt bimbo netting. Retroman says hunt down a copy and don’t forget to wear your hot pants.

“Jack and I have seen more dead bodies then you have hot dogs so shut up and eat!”

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