Archive for the 'Grindhouse' Category

Jan

posted by Barry Goodall | January 7, 2012 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Grindhouse, Review by Barry Goodall

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Long Weekend

An Australian couple parks their old car at a campsite and go tromping through the wilderness while getting the smack down from mother nature in 1978’s “Long weekend.” Marcia (Briony Behets) is the whiny self absorbed wife, while John Hargreaves plays Peter, a surfer dude whose more worried about his dog than their relationship. They’ve been bickerin’ ever since Marcie had an affair which ended with an abortion and Peter hopes a trip to a secluded beach might help smooth things over. Long WeekendNobody in town had ever heard of their secret vacation spot so they end up running over a kangaroo and listening to their mandatory Men at Work cassettes instead. After sleeping the night in the jeep they discover that the beach was right next to them to whole time. Apparently, nobody noticed that big blue ocean thing that whole time.

Most of their camping days are spent choppin’ down trees, spraying insecticide and leaving garbage everywhere. Marcie smashes some eagle eggs, shoots a sea cow and Peter gets in a quick round of target practices with a flock of seagulls. Not a couple you’ll likely see at a PETA rally. Fortunately Mother nature fights back and Peter gets dive bombed by a bald eagle (…Heck YEAH AMERICA!!!) and then gets sucker punched by a fruit hoarding possum.

At night they hear ghostly cries of the dead sea cow and Marcia starts going completely bonkers taking off with the jeep leaving Peter alone with just a harpoon and his overwhelming body funk to defend himself. The sea cow carcass shows up again for the solo-beach party but even closer to camp than before and Peter has to torch it like a deep fried turkey. Meanwhile, Marcia who senses danger about as well as a bowl of oatmeal, gets stuck in a heap of spider webs only to be harpooned by Peter who mistakes her for a land roving sea cow. Consider the divorce final.

Long WeekendPeter in his grief wanders back through the woods, gets attacked by some woodchucks and ends up getting side swiped by a semi-truck on the highway. Thus putting an end to the worse ever honeymoon and the longest anti- littering campaign in film history. I’d hoped they’d get gnawed to death by a rare red-back sloth, or maybe smothered by rabid Koalas instead. There’s just so many other painful ways to die in Australia (#25 on the rejected Australia tourism slogan list.)

Barry Goodall says talk a walkabout and check out “Long Weekend.” You’ll be thankful your relationship isn’t as bad as these two drongos and remember to  always keep the harpoon safety on during domestic disputes.

roadside attractions

  • Surfer skeet shooting
  • Bald eagle attack
  • Possum mugging
  • Sea cow stalking
  • Harpoon to the throat
  • Littering
  • kangaroo hit n’ run
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

A few good gushers but most of it’s from a wounded sea cow.

7

blood

BREASTS

Australian topless sunbathing, it’s mandatory.

9

beast

BEASTS

Snakes, sea cows, eagles, spiders, ants, birds, kangaroos, and a possum. It’s like a prison break at the Zoo.

8.00 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Long Weekend”

trailers

dripper
Dec

posted by admin | December 24, 2010 | Feature, Grindhouse, Holiday films, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on A Chuck Brown Grindhouse Christmas

Chuck Brown

It’s a bleak Christmas eve day on the grimy snow covered streets of New York. Chuck Brown, a mofia middleman and his head goon Linus, are discussing their Christmas shipment coming in from Ontario. Chuck just got back from seeing his sister Salley, who was in the middle of writing a letter to her new Jamican boyfriend upstate. A pimp she calls “the big red man.” She’s been trying to extort some money from him for back child support despite the fact her baby is Korean. The shipment is running a few hours late and that’s got Chuck a bit nervous. Even his usually playful beagle Snoop, seems agitated. “Fresh snow, pure cut, dem’ boys better get it here soon or we’ll be breaking some legs for sure.” Chuck complained to a somewhat agitated Linus who was fidgeting with his favorite hankerchief. “Yeah Mr. Brown, we stand to lose a big chunk of change if it don’t show.” he said as he fumbled with the linen cloth between his fingers. “Patty said it would be here, then it’ll be here. She’s never done me wrong before.” replied Chuck sounding as if he was trying to convince himself more than Linus. “What about that time she crashed your Thanksgiving party uninvited and drunk. They don’t called her Peppermint Shnapps Patty for nothin.” Linus smugly retorted. Chuck waves his hand and is if to shrug off the bad memory. “Hey, she’s a recovering alcoholic, she was off the wagon. The food wasn’t no good anyhow.” He sharply said then Chuck grabbed Linus by the collar ” she’s good people and stop fidgeting with that hankerchief Linus you’re bothering me.” Chuck pushed him back against the wall but he continued to stroke the hankerchief like a favorite pet.

Just then a homeless man covered in dirt from his scragily hair down to his rain boots came stumbling through the warehouse door reeking of old trash and whisky. They immediately recognized the odor before evening seeing the face. “Pig Pen, you gots a lot of explaining to do!” Chuck snapped at him while covering his mouth from the foul odor. The man hastily walks towards the two and puts a tattered duffle bag on the table trying to catch his breath.”Sorry Mr. Brown, got stopped by the cops about two blocks back. They didn’t search me luckily, just told me I could get a bath at homeless mission on 42nd street. Guess they don’t like my aftershave.” he joked. “But I ran all the ways here honestly. I didn’t mean to be late.”

Linus abruptly grabs the duffle bag from Mr. Pen and cut open up one of the ziplocks  baggies inside. He gave it a taste with his pinky finger and  yelled over to Chuck. “It’s pure snow Mr. Brown.” and then puts the bag on table next to Snoop, who sniffs at the pouch a few times. “Of course it is, have I ever let you down?” Pig Pen said while trying to keep his distance from the dog. Chuck gently pats the beagle on the head trying to calm his attack dog down as he stuffs the ziplock bag back into the satchel. “Ya know Pig Pen my dog can smell a liar. He’s got the nose of a blood hound. Looks to me like a bags gone missing.” Chuck pushes Pig Pen across the floor. “Take Mr. Pen outback and show him what we do to people that try to steal from me.” Linus drags back Pig Pen in a headlock kicking and screaming leaving a trail of grim across the warehouse floor. Some other henchmen who are doing some target practice in a small target range in the back muffle his screams for help.

“I don’t know Linus. It’s just hard when you have to stuff a dead guy in the trunk next to the christmas presents.” Chuck is sitting with Linus at a small coffee shop stirring his lukewarm coffee. Most of the patrons have headed for home to start their Christmas celebrations.
“Kinda ruins the spirit of the holidays ya know? Somedays I just wanna get out of the family business especially this time of year.” Chuck sighs as he glances out a side window towards an abandoned parking lot where kids are sliding around on some ice that the salt trucks missed. “Mr. Brown you used to love this time of year. I remember when you dressed up as Santa that one Christmas eve and then we knocked over Franklin’s strip club…what was the name of it?” Linus Said. “The Eager Beaver.” Chuck answered. “Yeah I liked it when Franklin kept screaming “No Santa! no Santa! please not the fingers!” and then you said “you’re on my naughty list!” Linus laughed to himself. “I bet his wife was surprised by the gifts in her Christmas stocking that year.” Chuck lets out a long sigh. “Yeah, those were the good times Linus. good times.”

Chuck Brown

Later that day, Chuck is at his weekly meeting with his psychologist, Lucy Van Pelt, hoping she’ll help get him out of this holiday funk he’s been in lately. She’s one of the more expensive doctor’s in town but she knows how to keep her mouth shut if the cops ever come snoopin’.  “I think you could use some time off, maybe helping the community. Might do you some good to give back a bit.” She scribbles some notes on her small pad not really paying much attention to what Chucks been saying much of the time. She just likes that he pays well and she’s got pretty extensive shopping list this year. “Forgetta about it…I give back plenty…that one guy Woodstock? Yeah he was hocking stolen goods in my neighborhood and dressed up like a big yellow bird…what a fruitcake. I took care of that situation.” Chuck proudly stated. “He wasn’t selling stolen goods Chuck, he was giving out samples from the Big McCluck Chicken Roost diner opening. You shot him in the foot and then rolled him down a hill in a Lincoln.” Lucy retorted. Chuck glanced back at her from his reclined couch. “Yeah, like I said. I took care of the situation!”

Lucy sighs and puts down the notepad to face Chuck obviously a bit agitated.  “Listen, there’s a little holiday dance going down at the community center on Christmas Eve. Well it’s more of a rave but still, I think you should help out. It’ll be a good thing for you and will help get you back in the holiday spirit.”

At first Chuck shrugs it off, but the more he thought about it that afternoon walking back to his upper eastside townhouse, the better it sounded. “What a great alibi” he thought. He had a big heroine shipment coming in Christmas eve hidden in the hollowed out trunks of some plastic Christmas trees that he could have delivered directly to the center. Nobody would suspect a thing and that rave would have plenty of eager customers if he needed to move things quickly. The night of the dance the place was rocking. Christmas lights hung across the gymnasium ceiling beams blinked in time with the music as the new psychobilly punk band Shroedder and the Syphallus  eSpots were blasting out some ear pounding tunes. Most of the people at party had some sort of tie or buy-in with the mofia. The mayor’s daughter, city council members kids..all the kids whose parents paid for rehab and that never showed. Chuck was dressed in his best suit and was doing his typical meet and greets. He was quite well known in social circles. It was a fun night but the thoughts of those fake trees with the hollow trunks kept Chuck on edge. Linus was at the microphone giving a speech and about the spirit of giving in the community. “What a hypocrite” Chuck thought to himself “Linus would stab me in the back the first moment he got.”

There was a toast to the Brown family and a dedication to Chuck’s 98 year old grandmother a rather frail woman who lived outside the city just over the hills and through the woods. Chuck excused himself after the speech and ducks into the back loading docks to meet the arriving shipment. The truck slowly backed up near the door beeping all the way. It was like jingle bells to Chuck’s ears. He anxiously opens the sliding door of the truck but instead of finding a mass amount of fake trees. there’s only one pathetic bonsai tree sitting alone in the middle of the truck. A single red christmas ornament dangeling from it’s top pines needles. “What the heck is this? These aren’t my trees…this is a flippin’ twig? Is this a joke, do I look amused?” Chuck glanced around as if to see who might be the culprit or perhaps the trees were just hidden. The driver came to the back of the truck and looked into the cab, simply shrugging his shoulder “Listen buddy, I just deliver the shipment. I don’t ever know what’s in the truck. That’s between you and Patty.” Chuck took out his pistol and pointed it at the driver “Listen tell your boss that my boss ain’t going to be happy and when he ain’t happy people end up dead.” Chuck was the go to guy since he was the only one that could understand his bosses strange indonesian dialect over the phone where all the deals were made. It sounded like muffled jibber-jabber. 5 years in Cario really did pay off for Chuck’s career in crime.

Reaching down he grabs the scrawny tree by it’s trunk lifting it up and then abruptly smashes it to the  ground. “I can’t believe this…that shipment was supposed to worth 1000’s of dollars and all I got was this tiny lousy shrub?” He tosses the small plant to the corner of a concrete slab near the back door “This is the worst Christmas ever.” and walks back to the party in disgust.

A few minutes later, a group of Chuck’s henchmen come out looking for him but noticed the bonsai lying in a mound of dirt. Marcie who does occasional odd jobs for Chuck bur is also a part-time horticulturalist bends down in her orange evening gown near the plant. She adjusts her glasses a bit as she looks over its twisted branches. “Do you realize what this is? It’s a rare Japanese 5 needled pine juniper!” she exclaims. “uh…does that mean it grows fruit?” one of the henchman asked.  “No you moron, but it’s easily worth $100,000! If we sold this on the black market we’d make a killing.” She quickly gathered the tree back into the pot and mends one of it’s broken limbs then carefully she prunes it with her key ring shrub trimmer. “There all done…it’s not really such a bad looking tree. It just needed a little love.” Marcie said as she carefully places it onto a nearby bench. Chuck returned back outside thinking he may have lost his keys in his little tantrum. “What’s going on here!!!” yelled Chuck pointing at the small shrubery “Chuck, this little tree is worth over $100,000’s. We saved it for you!” Marcie quickly sprays the plant with a pocket mister she just happens to have for such occasions. “Hey look there’s a card attached.” one of the henchmen points out. Marcie hands the card to a puzzled looking Chuck. He opens it. It says “Merry Christmas Charlie Brown, Hope you’ll forgive me for Thanksgiving…Love Patty.”

Chuck glances at the card and then at the tree and begins to get a bit misty eyed. “That Patty she always knew how to find the perfect gift. This Christmas didn’t turn out so bad after all. I think I’ve really learned to value what matters now. ya kknow, what Christmas truly means. I think I can finally tell the boss I’m quitting.” he proudly states to all his henchman as he lifts the small tree in his arms. ” But Mr. Brown, what about the drugs?!” asked Linus. Chuck paused looking down at the little tree. It’s single ornament glittering happily back at him. “Oh make no mistake I’m still going to break her legs as soon as I get opportunity. But I do appreciate the sentiment.”

Epilogue; Mr. Brown was arrested two weeks later on possession of stolen Japanese property from the U.S. Nationa Bonsia Foundation. He pled not guilty in exchange for testiomony against Peppermint Patty who was extradited from Canada. She was running an illegal pharmacutical manufacturing company. Her partner Marcie, was also arraigned in a federal court on marijuana growing and distribution. Mr Brown is now in witness protection as a high school football coach and runs a small bonsai tree shop somewhere outside Newark.

Oct

posted by admin | October 3, 2010 | 80's movies, Grindhouse, Horror movies, Review by Die-Anne Takillya

Comments Off on “Black Candles” Rest Stop Review Edition

The plot, or as much of it as I could make out: This man dies in flagrante aardvarkus with a lady who finds biting chins intensely erotic. He turns out to the brother of the main character, Carol. She and her husband/boyfriend, (It’s never really made clear, also, only four or five of the charaters have names that I could make out. Bad audio on this sucker.), travel to England to settle the estate. Her brother’s widow is there, and she’s creepy, the house is without power, so they go about lighting the place with black candles. Carol doesn’t like the fact that all the candles are black, and EXTREMELY bright; two candles light her whole room! The lights in this room are CLEARLY on. Blow them out. There are also lots of demonic lithographs decorating the parlor. They’d make for some interesting needlepoint patterns. These turn on the boyfriend/husband, and not ten minutes into the film, we have another session of aardvarkery. The widow watches through a peephole, and abuses herself. Then she starts giving Carol teas made of herbs she refuses to identify. If more people would refuse to drink things that strangers bring them, we wouldn’t have many horror movies.

Then they start trying to spellify Carol and seduce her husband and get him to join their freaky coven run by the Reverend Hooper, (a priest with a coke fingernail) so she can get the inheritance. Carol suspects something is up, but keeps having nightmares about incestual relations with her brother while the widow watches…and joins in. The evil maid Georgina steals Carol’s necklace so they can put a spell on her; a spell involving the chin biting lady (Oh, her name is Annalise!) and a goat…and that’s as far as I’m going to go; your imaginations will not do what really happened justice, except for when the wide shots revealed it was a man in a goat suit. Here is a play-by play of my reactions during this scene:

Um, you’re not supposed to touch a goat like that.

Are they talking about what I think they’re talking about? Juices? Mingling?

They are.

In detail.

Oh God.

The maid and Annalise are combining their purchases. The preacher man interrupts.

Wait; why is she naked in the barn? No. no no no no no. No. This can’t…they can’t…OH MY GOD THEY DID! She’s…in…and…oh god…Wait; that’s a man in a goat

suit. Intercut with the…No no no please don’t kiss the goat. DON’T LICK THE GOAT’S EAR. OH GOD, WHY DID THEY DO THIS??

I had to pause the movie and get a drink. Ok, that’s better. Now, back to it.

While Carol is fully clothed and out dealing with solicitors (The British kind, not telemarketers or door-to-door salesmen), The widow and Carol’s husband get hopped up on herbs and, you guessed it, make the sign of the eight-tailed marmot. Then it shifts to her standing up, and then to a shot of a glass with…something yellowish in it. I feel like Brad Pitt at the end of Seven, screaming at my television, “WHAT’S IN THE GLASS? WHAT’S IN THE GLASS?” And then, the light revealed what I was afraid of. That sure as Hell ain’t sweet tea in that glass. I used to think I was kinky until I watched this movie.

As it progresses, I think more and more that this was a hardcore porn with the penetration scenes cut out, because these people are getting it on all over the place, in just about every imaginable combination. I’m surprised there isn’t more BDSM going on here, because in the movies Satanism, witchcraft, and demon worship usually go hand in hand with that sort of kink. The movie’s not over, yet, though.

Carol’s got some sort of mystery ailment, and the doctor’s in on it, and gives her some tranquilizers to mix with the herbal junk. The whole coven wants the inheritance, I suppose. They’re planning on giving her a stroke or something, then have a satanic orgy that Carol sees in a dream. OH WE SEE GAZEBOS! Hmm; they’re all into chin biting. Is that a Satanist thing? Just asking. Ok; so after that, the husband/boyfriend joins the naked coven and there’s another orgy. So Carol’s going to be driven mad by the Satanists. She’s smelling sulfur and hearing things; acting all paranoid when the Priest stares menacingly at her. Those are some groovy tie-dyed jeans she’s wearing, though. And she’s naked again! Does nobody here own pajamas? I can’t do this anymore. I can’t.

My apologies, folks; I can’t…let me get another drink. I will finish what I start!

The stable hands are all over each other, literally. Carol has stopped wearing pants altogether; then the maid’s husband lets the cat out of the bag, telling Carol about the whole demonic plot. He is killed, of course; I’ve never seen an execution by sword up the wazoo before. Carol is caught while on the run, and told she’s going to be Satan’s bride. This basically means she’s going to be annointed and ticker-taped by everyone. Then in a scene very reminiscent of Rosemary’s Baby, and twice as explicit, she is given a midair refuling by Satan.

BUT WAIT, IT WAS ALL A DREAM! Or was it…

Roadside Attractions: 48 Breasts. Yes, I’m serious, I counted them TWICE. 1 quart blood. 2 beasts, the goat and the man in the goat suit. Sword-fu, herbal tea-fu, so much aardvarking, in all combinations.

This is a basically a gothic porn in which Satan’s deeds are done not with spells or ritual, but with the whangdoodle. And it’s not sexy. This movie makes me want to talk to an adult I can trust. Total exploitation, nothing scary at all here, aside from the amount of body hair on these folks. This was such a turkey, I’d serve it for Thanksgiving dinner, and make pot pie with the leftovers. Do yourself a favor, don’t watch this alone, or you may turn into a deviant. Of course, if you’re already a deviant, like myself, then it’ll make you question your street cred. I have nothing to worry about, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

2 cheese wedges

Jun

posted by admin | June 29, 2010 | Action, B-movies, Comedy, Cult Film, Cult films, Cult movies, Grindhouse, Kung-fu

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Are you ready to blow a gasket because you just lost a bidding war on eBay for a copy of the Kung Fu laugh-fest 18 Bronze Girls Of Shaolin? If so, take a deep breathe, dial down your stress level several notches, and pull yourself together because we know where you can find this B-movie classic. The place is Super Strange Video which has become our movie store of choice for those rare, and often impossible to find B-movie video treasures. Whatever your taste in cult films are, we’re pretty sure they will have something for you. So, as soon as you finish reading this post be sure to visit Super Strange Video, and check out their impressive selection of B-movies, and TV shows from the 50’s to the 90’s. Also, don’t forget to tell them the guys from Lost Highway sent ya’.

Jun

posted by admin | June 4, 2010 | B-movies, Cult films, Cult movies, Feature, Grindhouse, Kung-fu

Comments Off on Watch b-movies online free with Crackle.com

Our online movie partner Crackle.com has been quit busy building their library of B-movie goodness. You can’t swing a dead cat, and not hit a schlocky nugget of cinema, and if there’s one thing we know about …is dead cat swinging. So don’t go driving drunk to Blockbuster  again only to be disappointed that your only choices are between “All Dogs Go to Heaven”, and 150 copies of “She’s Just Not That Into You.”  Instead check out some of these great, and so bad they’re great online movies all for FREE!! Save gas, save money, adopt a pet cat. We’re Lost Highway, and we’re here to help.

AstroZombies

At first one would think this would be about zombie palm readers or undead astrologists. Actually, it’s just your typical rocket science nerd who wants to make a super-human so he uses dead people’s body parts resulting in a monstrous killer. Oh please, that’s so 18th Century Mary Shelly.

The Blob

How on earth could Jello be this scary? Well it is, and it kills…slowly….very slowly. So, get out your sliced bananas, and whip cream, and get ready for some cherry flavored terror. Now go ahead, and get yourself a snack it’ll take it a while to congeal.

BloodShack

“I got me a car, it’s as big as a whale and we’re headin’ on down to the Blood Shack.” Ahh yes the epic that is “BloodShack” when movies didn’t have to have plots, or acting, and your killer wears Ninja pajamas. Hope you like the rodeo because there’s plenty of it in this little barrel scraper of B-moviedom. Check it out but you’ve been warned.

Check out our review of “BloodShack”

the beyond The Beyond

Real estate is all about location, and owning an old hotel built over one of the entrances to Hell won’t help resale values. Italian horror at it’s creepiest, and weirdest when the supernatural invade Louisiana. It’s a Mardi Gras of evil as zombies, and flesh eating spiders are thrown into the mix. Mama Mia!

Brain Scan

Edward Furlong before he went into rehab discovers a creepy computer game with a warped game show host from hell. This deranged Bob Barker turns him into a late night virtual killer. Not a big career stretch for Eddie…is this guy even still alive?

Drunken Master

Jackie Chan’s best film to date….yes even better than “the Spy Next Door.” Jackie Chan does some crazy stunts, and amazing Kung Fu fight scenes like rolling over hot coals, and spitting fire while battling an evil assassin. If anyone can… Jackie Chan can. Do you get the feeling this guy was a bit hyperactive when we he was a kid?

Earth Vs. the Flying Saucers

Seems like in the 1950’s every Alien that could pilot a ship tried to invade the earth and we’d kick their green butts back to Mars. When will they learn? This time it’s Jiffy pop popcorn tins on strings attacking from other worldly galaxies..so arm thy butter. Award winning special effects by 9 year old Timmy!

Godzilla vs. Mothra

Get the biggest bug zapper you can find because Mothra is on the loose and Godzilla the spicy breathed mutant Gecko lizard is out for a bug hunt. It ends in a three way with Battra, Mothra, and good ol’ Gojira. But will Godzilla still call them in the morning. Tokyo residents really need to get some mutant attack insurance.

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became a Mixed up Zombies

while I eagerly await a TISCWSLABAMUZ PART 2 the original will just have to tide me over. From the same amazing team that brought you “BloodShack.” This time a dopey kid falls in love with a carnival stripper while he’s frolicking around with his weird Russian roommate, and big haired girlfriend. The stripper’s sister is a gypsy who turns him into a zombie so he can go on a killing spree, and hallucinate about chicken puppets. Meanwhile a man with a beard smokes a cigar. Confused? So were we. The movie is guaranteed to leave you breathless…from saying that gigantic title.

The Night of the Living Dead (1990)

Ya know I think this whole zombie thing might actually catch on some day. This is a recent remake of the B&W classic so don’t freak out when you see color. This time Tom Savini takes the directors chair, and does an admirable job giving us some unexpected twists to this classic tale of the rising dead. Yes, they’re still coming to get you Barbara only this time in brilliant technicolor.

Screamers

On a distant plan scientists cross a toaster with a Black and Decker table saw so that they can try to make slice bologna out of Peter Weller. The killing machines are evolving, and cutting down people faster than timber in a saw mill. Where’s Robocop when you need him?

Starship Troopers

The ultimate bug hunt. What amounts to a big slap in the face to fascism, and the military machine this satirical sci-fi action romp is just as fun as it is ridiculous. Why do we travel over half the galaxy to attack bugs on another planet? Must be some oil in them there caves.

Check out our review of Starship Troopers here

Taxi Driver

Robert De Niro can play a creepy psycho like nobody else. What amounts to an urban vigilante movie, Martin Scorsese makes us even more afraid of New York cab drivers. Oh, and Jodi Foster was a pre-teen hooker. Well not in real life…she plays one is this movie. Great, now look at the rumor we started.

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