Archive for the 'Guest Review' Category

Jul

posted by admin | July 16, 2016 | 60's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Guest Review, Horror movies

Comments Off on Black Sabbath: A guest review by Paul Counelis

paul

Paul Counelis writes the “Monster Kid Corner” column for Rue Morgue, is the editor of Halloween Machine magazine, sings for the scary band Lords of October and is a member of the Flint Horror Collective, bringing events to sunny Flint, Michigan for years. FACEBOOK and LIKE all that stuff, willya? In his free time

he writes incredible books about scary stuff, does a bi-weekly podcast with his pals (Ghoul Cast), raises 9 kids with his gorgeous (and patient) wife Crystal, and runs a home haunt called Scarriage Town with family and friends (and daughter’s consistent imaginary(?) friend Hallie).
Screen Shot 2016-07-16 at 12.24.14 PM

Toward the end of his amazing career, the legend Boris Karloff was so intent on working well into his late seventies that he often accepted roles in films that…well, to put it nicely, just weren’t worthy of his presence. He finished his remarkable career with a few real duds; therefore most Karloff fans just pretend that his last film was 1968’s excellent and challenging Targets, a movie that contrasted the horrors of the great Universal Monsters era with the modern horror of the real world.

But a few years before that, betwixt career reviving turns with Vincent Price in The Raven and The Comedy of Terrors, our buddy Uncle Uncanny found himself in maybe the most unique role he had ever played; a vampire in The Wurdulak segment of the Mario Bava anthology Black Sabbath.

Screen Shot 2016-07-16 at 12.24.05 PM

Karloff’s segment (aside from his strange “hosting” turn, complete with Italian overdubs) is really atmospheric, unusual and worth watching all on its own, and the same can be said for another spooky portion of the film, The Telephone, about a…ahem…call girl who receives disturbing, Scream-like, rape-y phone messages from a client of hers who just happens to be imprisoned. I won’t give away the twist… yeah, very Scream indeed.

But it’s the segment titled The Drop of Water that most people who’ve seen this film tend to remember the most…because it’s really freaking creepy.

I watched the film for the first time one night by myself, not really expecting much other than the charms of the era and the pleasure of watching Uncle Boris do his thing. However, The Drop of Water honestly and truly gave me something that I hadn’t gotten from a horror movie in quite a few years: a nightmare.

I felt giddy as I watched the tale unfold, about a nurse who makes the rather unwise decision of stealing the ring from the corpse of a medium (who passed away during a séance) while preparing the body. Why someone would do such a thing, after all the years of hearing the multiple campfire stories that revolve around that particular set of circumstances (“Bloody bones, bloody bones…”) is anyone’s guess. BUT, she did it anyway.

And in the moment when the countess rises from the bed and floats toward her, hovering a couple feet from the ground while she stares deep into her soul from unmoving, sunken eyes…I’m sure the nurse had a quick series of regrets.

I realized that I was laughing giddily during that scene; the kind of laughter that would be referred to as “nervous”. This is something that doesn’t happen to a hardened, desensitized horror fan very often. In fact, the most recent time it happened to me before watching Black Sabbath was during an ill-advised late night screening of The Exorcist III, another film that I wrongly anticipated watching easily by myself. Most people who have seen Exorcist III can probably guess at the scene in which I nearly fell off of the couch. But anyway…

Black Sabbath is one of those kinda sorta “under the radar” type classics, full of Bava’s best directorial tricks and plenty of mood and atmosphere. It’s also home to one REALLY freaky lookin’ living dead girl, and remains one of the top movies in the latter stage of the outstanding film career of our dear, old Uncle Karloff.

 

roadside attractions

  • Multi-colored rotary dial phone, NWO Wolfpack style
  • Nude bronze Cupid statue
  • Stonehenge like relics in an open field
  • Brooding but cabin-like castle
  • Boris Karloff’s afro
totals

7

blood  

BLOOD

– Some extremely questionable paint-like substance under the jagged end of a dagger

– A suspiciously rubbery head that Karloff gleefully pulls from a bag and hangs outside

– Oddly realistic small splatters on neck bite marks

– Seeping through white shirts after off-screen violence

2

blood  

BREASTS

Surprisingly few for a film with a segment about a call girl. NONE in the Drop of

Water story. Thankfully. THANKFULLY.

 

8

beast  

BEASTS

– Spotted horses galore

– Freaky ass zombie girl

– Incessantly howling wolf

– Wurdulak…er, corpse that wants blood…er, VAMPIRE

– Disturbing child Halfling who says “Momma” outside the window with a reverb-y voice


7.7 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Black Sabbath”

 

 

trailers

dripper
Mar

Comments Off on Bad Milo: A guest review by Sikkdays

Sikkdays is not a paid holiday where you skip work and watch a horror film. He is a child of 80s movies and syndicated cartoons that never grew up. Sikkdays is a video editor whose love of bad movies has most likely ruined his chance at a successful career. In fact, the U.S. has even declared him Persona non grata. From somewhere in the cold tundra of Canada he produces a bad movie podcast called Film Frown and if you’re looking for conversation find him on the twitter sphere @sikkdays.

A man has a monster up his ass that when released, kills people. It’s a story we can all relate to after burrito night. Wait, this is a feature length movie and not a Youtube sketch? Bad Milo is labeled a horror comedy. I suppose. It’s like calling a Gallagher routine a horror comedy simply because you can’t stand violence against fruit. The film is swimming with comedic actors and the occasional bloody scene but you never witness much violence.

Arguably the hero of the film is Milo, that’s who we are here to see. However, an ass demon has to live somewhere. Thus, the film follows the story of Duncan. You may recognize actor Ken Marino from his many TV appearances. All I know is that they picked the right guy because one of his IMDB soundtrack credits is for a song titled “Ass Butt Song.” Duncan is being pressured at home to start a family. This is compounded by his mother’s predictable desire for grandchildren. Meanwhile at work Duncan’s boss, played by Patrick Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld), has put Duncan in charge of firing all the people at the firm who have been downsized. Also his office has been moved to a shared space with an annoying coworker. Wait! This is a horror comedy. The shared office is a former restroom.

Finally, his mother has invited a fertility specialist to dinner. All of this stress and anxiety has given Duncan terrible pains in his abdomen. Kumail Nanjiani playing his mother’s much younger beau, gives explicit sex advice at dinner which made the laughter demon in my abdomen very happy.

After a visit with his wonderfully awkward doctor played by Toby Huss, Duncan has more stress. This could be a serious medical issue after all. The funny doc isn’t around for long. During the procedure to remove the polyp that seems to be causing Duncan’s issues, he sees something else and is immediately eviscerated. Duncan wakes up on the couch. Was that a dream sequence? Certainly this would be the subject of many internet commenters, if it wasn’t overshadowed by the preposterous fact in this film that a horrible demon lives in a man’s anus.

As his pain becomes more severe, it’s time for an alternative approach. Duncan’s wife has made him an appointment with a hypnotist played by everyone’s favorite Swedish nihilist, Peter Stormare. It’s all too new age for the busy and stressed Duncan who leaves. At home, he receives a call from his new office roommate. There was computer issue and, well Duncan has lost all his important files. Doubling over in pain he heads to the bathroom, pulls down his pants, sits on the pot and moans uncomfortably before passing out. Back at the office, his office mate becomes many red stains on the tiled bathroom walls. The next morning Duncan finds out watching the morning news. After the dream, or not dream of the doctor’s gruesome death and his annoying office mate’s murder perhaps talking to someone is a good idea. Duncan returns to the hypnotist, naturally.

Peter Stormare puts Duncan under and decides to ask him about all the things in his life giving him stress. Don’t make Mr. Banner angry You wouldn’t like him when he gets angry. That is, unless you like the Hulk. Same goes for Duncan, except substitute stress for anger. While hypnotized, he falls over and the hypnotist witnesses Milo exit from Duncan’s posterior. Thankfully, this film is using practical FX and the audience doesn’t have to suffer through a CGI, hairless Gizmo emerging from the Mariana Trench below Duncan’s Dockers. Stormare is attacked before Milo leaps out the window. Milo then goes after the fertility doctor with a punishment befitting the crime. Did I say the movie wasn’t much in horror? I may have lied. This scene is graphic.

Luckily, Stormare has a book on demons so I assume they look up “derriere?” Here we learn some lore about this creature. Milo cannot be destroyed because he’s part of Duncan and that would be like giving himself a lobotomy. Therefore, when Milo returns it’s time to reason with the murdering polyp and convince him to “come home.” Duncan gets on his hands and knees and tries to convince the little guy with a comforting voice. At least Elliot was smart enough to use Reese’s Pieces with E.T.

From here it’s about trying to control stress and Milo. Of course, to do that we need sock puppets and a reunion with an estranged father played by Stephen Root. Though, no amount of hippie love, boss payback and gerbiling will sate Milo’s lust for murder. Duncan must race to save his wife and her unborn baby from himself. Well, a piece of himself that specifically comes from his ass.

The ridiculous world the filmmakers have created is decently entertaining. As a viewer, we’re even treated to some Muppet Mortal Kombat. I would recommend this film to anyone who wants a good laugh. I can’t see why you wouldn’t enjoy it. Unless you have a stick up your butt.

roadside attractions

  • Back door action
  • cubies are worse than roomies
  • The parrot thinks he knows everything
  • PSM (poor stress management
  • electrified wire loop
  • Gerbiling is not just for Richard Gere
  • Penectomy is not just for John Bobbitt
  • Mom’s sex dungeon
  • Fart jokes
  • Just the tip Tuesdays
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

The few times the red stuff is on the screen, there’s lots of it. Gore is pretty low, but guys wear a cup.

2

blood

BREASTS

You get Milo moobs. You’ll have to watch Choke if you want to partake in Gillian Jacobs’ assets.

5

beast

BEASTS

Like spooky children in horror movies, Milo gets ugly fast. From cuddly Gizmo to fed after midnight Spike.

4.7 OVERALL
dripper

Watch the trailer to Bad Milo

trailers

dripper
Feb

posted by admin | February 20, 2015 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Cult Film, Cult films, Guest Review, Horror movies

Comments Off on Lair of the White Worm: A Guest Review by Angela Englert

TV raised Angela Englert, so she’s a lot like one of those Junkion robots from the Transformers movie, including the Weird Al soundtrack. She loves genre stuff. She hates Oscar bait. Her party trick is reciting Dr. Loomis’s lines from the Halloween movies. You can follow her inevitable downward spiral on Twitter, @mechaangela.

This is a movie about sex. That’s not too surprising; most human endeavor is about sex – getting it, having it, cleaning up afterwards so you don’t get itchy or divorced. But this movie is really about sex a lot, more than most in fact, and it doesn’t try to be cute about it. If anything it tries to be cute about not being cute about it being about sex. But I digress. This movie is about sex.
We open on a yawning cavern in the face of a mountain with splashy script titles in Hammer Horror red (pantone 762) after someone hit the “horror movie soundtrack demo” button on a Yamaha keyboard. Nothing else happens for a couple minutes, but so mood, much ominous. This is clearly a very important hole.
Next, a Scottish Egon Spengler shouts for joy; in about 85 minutes, you’ll recognize this is Peter Capaldi, TV’s Doctor Who, but not yet. He’s too dewy and friendly. Peter is playing Angus, student archeologist and for my money, the real hero of this film, no matter if Hugh Grant is on the cover because he’s more handsome and famous. Angus dug up a huge skull of some kind, dinosaur maybe, and he’s never seen a horror movie because he’s really happy about it. Angus tells sisters Eve and Mary, who run the bed and breakfast he’s apparently excavating, and then they go to a party, like you do.
At the party, an ersatz Dexy’s Midnight Runners tell us the local legend of the D’Ampton Wyrm in song, while the locals act out the ritual killing of the wyrm — i.e. dragon, i.e. big-ass snake – with raucous line dancing antics. Hugh Grant joins the cast as James, the young lord of the manor, descendant of Sir John D’Ampton what slew the worm of legend. Then our couples pair off, and we follow Angus and Mary as they take a scary misty shortcut through the woods back to the bed and breakfast.
Mary relates to Angus how her parents disappeared taking this very shortcut home from the pub on a night very like this. (Boo!) Angus senses weakness and zooms in for the snog. Mid-snog, they catch sight of a long, silvery car snaking its way through the dark with dimmed headlights. Mood’s gone, Angus. They arrive back at the bed and breakfast to discover policeman Ernie, who’s pretty much the Andy and the Barney of this sleepy village, waiting with Mary’s Dad’s watch, recently discovered in Stonerich Cavern. That’s that hole we looked at for a couple minutes earlier.
At this point, Ernie goes to check out where Mary and Angus saw the spooky car. Strange cars at night must be a local ordinance violation or something. He’s instantly bitten by a snake and surprised by Lady Sylvia, Amanda Donohoe eating the scenery with fork and knife and a lot of tongue, who has returned to her estate after wintering…somewhere, doesn’t matter. Anyway, Lady Sylvia is wicked and sexy and would straight up short out Beavis and Butthead with all her dirty double entendres. She treats Ernie’s snakebite with her mouth.
The next day, Lady Sylvia sneaks into the bed and breakfast and steals the skull while Mary and Angus are searching for remnants of Mary’s dad, and I guess all the other guests are antiquing or something else pastoral and English. On her way out, she takes a moment to projectile spit venom onto a crucifix. When James finally brings Eve home after a night of “dancing,” Eve touches the venom and has a bad trip like gangbusters, full of over-saturated colors and Roman soldiers raping nuns.
Lady Sylvia, it will surprise no one, is the immortal vampire-like priestess of an ancient snake god cult that venerates the D’Ampton Wyrm, and she’s back to get the skull Angus found and sacrifice some dim blondes while she’s at it. You have to admire how fast she got on that skull getting thing. She must get snake god skull unearthing alerts directly to her inbox. (If I were Lady Sylvia, that would be a dirty joke.)
First though, there’s a fun scene where she seduces a boy scout with sacrificial results. Then she meets James, who seems a little suspicious, but then maybe he’s just mesmerized by her thigh high boots. That scene kind of meanders into her kissing him. Make with the snakes, movie. Come on.
James goes home and pretty much has clues to the entire mystery waiting for him in his luxurious bedroom suite. It’s like his house is one of those point and click computer games from the 90’s. Then he has a Skinimax-grade dream featuring Mary, Eve, and Lady Sylvia that doesn’t actually involve nudity, but somehow would be less sexual if it did. James wakens with a clue and…probably something else. He does have his randy butler give him his coffee in bed.
I won’t spoil the rest of it, but there’s plenty of snake charming, snake handling, snake spitting, snake splitting, snake biting, and snakebite sucking as James and Angus work to save their girlfriends from the mystery of Stonerich Cavern and its white worm. If you’re iffy on snakes, there’s only two actual snakes in it. One is unseen and the other is a pretty cute FX monster. It’s loads of fun, with plenty of dark humor, dirty wordplay, leather lingerie, and satisfying gory bits. For a movie with so much biting, it really, really doesn’t. You should check it out.

roadside attractions

  • Mouth organ AND bagpipe charming
  • Strategic mongoose usage
  • Neighborhood noise level violations
  • Angus keeps WHAT in his sporran?
  • Subtext as text
  • That’s a really big dildo
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

A respectable amount of limb lopping off and grody puncture wounds, but nothing that would make it hard to eat a Philly cheesesteak or anything.

7

blood

BREASTS

They’re not the only ones on offer, but Amanda Donohoe’s boobs are very well-documented in this film.

7

beast

BEASTS

The snake god is slightly less convincing than Kermit. His snake vampire minions are pretty freaky though.

7.7 OVERALL
dripper

Watch the trailer to “Lair of the White Worm”

trailers

dripper
Jul

posted by admin | July 21, 2014 | 60's b-movies, 60's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Guest Review

Comments Off on The Monitors: A guest review by Blake Lindsey

“We are here to serve humanity.” Thus states one of the hippest title sequences ever done in my opinion, something that sticks with you long after the rest of the film ends up in the Recycle Bin on your mental desktop.

It’s the tail-end of the Groove Era—psychedelics, calf-boots, turtlenecks, and breezy free-form jazz. The United States is run by a beneficent race of humanoid aliens of unknown origin who have striven to end war, hatred, political and social corruption, sexual tension, and obesity. They call themselves The Monitors, and the civilization they are trying to push the country into accepting is the kind of maternalistic, overly-intrusive nanny state envisioned by genial Swedish socialists. As the film’s tagline declares, “If you don’t like air pollution, war, body odor, hard pizza rolls, exercise, hairy musicians, sexy blonds, tooth decay, smiling heroes, population explosion….you’ll love The Monitors.” All is not well in Paradise, however; there are those who rebel against the flaccid, Wonderbread norms of the new society and long for the good ol’ days of promiscuity, liquor, kickbacks, and the Missile Gap.

This is the conflict at the heart of this film, based very loosely on the 1966 novel of the same name by science-fiction author Keith Laumer. I have done both, and I found this to be one of those rare instances where the film is more entertaining than the novel, mainly due to Laumer’s stilted writing style and excessive sobriety. The film’s main problem is that it careens around like an unmedicated bi-polar patient, unable to decide whether it is a witty, stinging commentary on American conservatism or a slapstick Stoogefest.

Directed by Jack Shea and filmed entirely on location in Chicago, the film featured the first screen appearance of Chicago’s Second City comedy troupe, which radically changes the balance of the film from being a Sober Warning of Excessive State Interference to one of Zany, Promiscuous Drunks Trying to Get Away from Daddy’s Rules. Veteran comics Avery Schreiber, Larry Storch, and Keenan Wynn have major roles, and cameos of late-60s contemporary comedians and pop culture figures are frequent.
The film is an odd period piece in several ways, and was a spectacular flop. It was produced on a small budget by camera manufacturers Bell & Howell to showcase a new cinematic camera system they had recently developed, and to draw attention to Chicago as a hip alternative place to shoot movies. They failed on both counts; Bell & Howell stopped producing cinematic equipment within two years, and no-one would film in Chicago for decades after the film’s failure.

From my perspective, the film’s main flaw is that is goes way overboard on the Zany/Madcap Humor. For instance, Larry Storch (of “F-Troop” fame) is always funny, but only in small doses; like watching Lindsay Lohan at a bar, you might get a laugh for the first 10 minutes or so, but after that you just want the bouncer to club her over the head and drag her away. A New York Times review from October of 1969 agrees, defecating on the film by stating “The movie is neither as funny nor as stinging as it was intended to be….The endless wisecracks seem none too wise or witty, or, for that matter, new.” For a film that features a well-known comedy troupe, that’s a major “ouch.”

Overall, the acting is pretty decent. Guy Stockwell (older brother of Dean Stockwell) plays Harry, a kind of generic All-American Guy who nevertheless comes across as likeable; Susan Oliver (who looks good in green as an Orion slavegirl in the Star Trek episode “The Menagerie”) plays Barbara, a chick who never quite makes up her mind about the Monitors, working first as their agent then joining (sort of) the resistance; the sober but likable Shepperd Strudwick plays the leader of the Monitors, Tersh Jeterax, and, when the film comes to its conclusion, leaves the viewer feeling as though they have disappointed Dad; and Sherry Jackson (of the classic biker-B “The Mini-Skirt Mob”) who flounces into Harry’s life as Mona, the girl who helps him escape from the Monitors’ re-education facility and has a great wet-tee scene in a fountain.

The cinematography is remarkably good with many really well-composed shots; director of photography was Vilmos Zsigmond who would go on to shoot classics like Deliverance, The Deer Hunter, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and The Black Dahlia. Its amazing to see such talent at work on such a low-budget project, like having Ansel Adams photographing piles of dog crap.
The story progresses pretty much the way you’d expect, with almost no surprises; the resistance (let by a pair of batshit officers played by Storch and Wynne) plans to bomb Monitor HQ, thus rendering the excessively-structured Monitors leaderless and impotent. Although he dislikes Monitor rule, Harry is not quite prepared to go that far and he contacts the mothballed President to help foil them. They do, but Jeterax and the other Monitors are so disappointed by the antics of the Earthmen they have come to save that they withdraw from the planet, like disappointed parents leaving their wayward teens to face the consequences of their actions.

And that is one of the crazy things about the film. Yes, they can be annoyingly overbearing, like impeccably-well-dressed high-tech hall monitors tasked with keeping order in the unruly Human High School and issuing detentions accordingly, but they are so well-meaning and so damned polite about it that you can’t really dislike them. By the end of the film, you find yourself sympathizing with them instead of with the idiotic yahoos who have spent the movie trying to bring them down. Nevertheless, life without booze, sex, corruption, and fast-food would be a serious drag, so you still—paradoxically—are glad to see them go. I don’t know whether the film intended to have that dual effect or whether it was something I brought into it.

In any case, if you’re looking for a groovy, late-60s ride in a sci-fi convertible, with a few laughs and a brace of martinis and miniskirts along for the ride, this is a pretty good film to check out.

roadside attractions

  • Groovy soundtrack
  • Psychedelia
  • Miniskirts
  • Alien Puritanism
  • Cameos by actual, sitting U.S. Senators (well, one at least)
  • More miniskirts
totals

0

blood

BLOOD

Some action, but no gore

1

blood

BREASTS

Monda’s wet-mini foundation scene

0

beast

BEASTS

0 monsters, just anal-retentive aliens

7.0 OVERALL
dripper

Watch the trailer to The Monitors

trailers

dripper
Jun

posted by Barry Goodall | June 9, 2014 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Bad movie, Guest Review

Comments Off on The GreensKeeper: A guest review by HMMadness

After seeing how many bad movies, remakes, reboots, and SCIFY Channel movies were coming down creating Anarchy, I realized you couldn’t beat them, so I watched them, and now hunt them down and watch what others won’t or can’t. Its my own way of either spreading the Anarchy or keeping a lid on it. Take your pick, its Madness…and as a large number of them consist of horror that is the name I choose, Horror Movie Madness or just HMMadness.

Holy Crap, this movie is stupid. I get B movies should be goofy and this one is even trying to spoof other movies like it and itself even, but it just does not work, as the acting and style is awful.

It had three directors and maybe that’s why it is as bad as it. We have Kevin Greene who gave us just this as a director, he was an actor/producer/writer on a movie called The Sorority.

Adam Johnson who who was also a director on a documentary called Train Days. Finally we have Tripp Norton who only has a director credit for this but was in the art department of movies like X-Men First Class, Anchorman 2, Zombieland, and many others…weird.

We open up with Allen Anderson(played by Allelon Ruggiero) dreaming, or is he. Then maybe another dream…Who knows. This leads into some of the lamest credits ever, the names are spaced between shots from the movie, like a bad sitcom or Soap.

We get some poor dialogue between Allen and his girlfriend Mary Katherine(played by Allison Kulp) about how he is just an assistant greenskeeper and doesn’t even have car, as he sold it to visit Morrison’s grave for inspiration in his screen writing? It tries to explain his dreams using Close Encounters mashed potato scene but his dumb pot smoking friends don’t get it.

We met some of his Allen’s friends, Rain Drop, Muffy, and Helmet Boy? They don’t really matter so we are not going to focus on them. At the country club we meet spoiled rich girls and some guys named Chaz, Chad, and Champ. We also met the head greenskeeper, Otis. The kids were to have a party at one girls house but her parents could not go on vacation but they have booze and crack already…what to do. They decide to sneak into the country club after hours to have the party, we get the back story of a greens keeper who was badly burned and seeks revenge on the club, he lives in a old shack in the woods and had maybe killed a man named Old Man Rivers…

We get some shots of what greens keepers do, planting flags, cutting grass, boring and not needed. We see that some of the guys of the club are both stupid and homophobic. One of them talks about how public television is full of “gay seeds” Look at Bert and Ernie and how Ernie eats cookies in Bert’s bed? Then the fact they wear saddle oxfords and turtlenecks. Plus look at Snuffleupagus? Thats all they say…

Some country club young, arrogant jerk is out golfing, talking on his cell phone and steps in a huge thing of water. He gets killed with a 4 iron by a greens keeper. We go back to the storage area where we see Otis taking off a greens keeper helmet and see what looks like red stuff on his shirt…

Then we see the rich kids again, this time in a car, out in public, with the windows rolled down, snorting coke….Wow….

Lets speed this up. I am not going to do every lame joke and tired thing. There is a sort of ongoing joke as different groups at times are watching a horror movie on tv that I think is called The Milkman, Allen comments on how yes you can make a few bucks on a original killer in a Milkman, with T&A, some weird kills and c list actors making 10 minute cameos but where is the ART! Sigh…

We meet the rest of Allen’s family at his birthday dinner, his mom who is a nagging know it all and his stepfather who runs the country club since Allen’s father died. Even marrying his mother but Allen can’t stand him. We learn next to nothing about him.

So the party happens and lot of people show up. Some of the guys are sitting around and the homophobic one says that of course Hendrix was guy, “Excuse me while I kiss this guy” That is gay”. The tennis pro also sneaks in while the gate is open with a young girl but head to the tennis court?

Allen tries to break up with Mary K but she says that would be dumb as their are guys who would walk across deserts just to eat the corn out of her waste(she uses a much stronger word) . Seriously?? Really?

Finally the Greens Keeper starts to make their move, killing the tennis pro by putting nails in the automatic ball shooter, driving a nail into his head. Drags the girl out out a bathroom stall and kills her. Other guy was drowned in the pool while blindfolded, another couple have sex on a golf cart even though her bathing suit is on the whole time.

Guy gets killed taking a leak, using a golf ball washer, girl killed by a thrown weapon of some kind and then maybe run over with golf cart, not really sure. Then we get more sexual stuff, out on a green, he swears to pull out and asks who is your daddy, they are offed by a post hole digger.

We see a guy climbing down off a lifeguard tower, with the Elena girl waving. Then we see shots of the pool and then the guy is just sitting on the tower again. Turns out to be a dead guy…so how he started to climb down is curious. We find Mary K tied to a tree with golf tees in her head, guess that killed her. Then we get the only non cliche, a girl escapes and hides while the killer runs past her, losing her. That,s unusual…

This leads to Allen, Elena, and a dude in a greens keeper outfit in the maintanice building, when the real killer shows up and gives their reason for doing it all. Its contrived and stupid, and we see what happens to everyone and why…

Avoid this movie, it really has nothing redeeming about it, it is not clever. It thinks it is but really it’s stupid and the jokes fall flat pretty much every time, I didn’t crack a smile even once. Some of the deaths were different or unique but they took forever to get there and the reasons behind everything was pointless. They tried to lead you one way and swerve you but if you pay attention you know that is not what is going on.

I hope they had fun making this movie as I had zero fun watching it. The hour and 20 minutes felt like forever.

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>