Archive for the 'Guest Review' Category

May

posted by Barry Goodall | May 5, 2014 | 80's b-movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Guest Review

Comments Off on Terrorvision: A guest review by Justin Farrell

Terrorvision

Justin “Yes, My Middle Name is Will” Farrell worked for Roger Corman in the early 90’s did stand up comedy, sky dived and used to write for Joe Bob Briggs. Currently he works full time for a major railroad and has been a soldier for nearly 25 years .His first review is going to be 1986’s “Terrorvision”. Justin can be found on Twitter at, thejoker308.

Full disclosure here, I rented Terrorvision from my local 7-11 in Reno, Nev around the time I was 16 and I remember it having thousands of breasts and wall-to-wall gore. In my mind it was so scary you had to wear adult diapers just to watch it and in those days their were no diapers, the horror, the horror. Now at the age of 44 I got my hands on a copy of Terrorvision and want to know what the hell my perverted 16 year old self was thinking.

TerrorvisionTerror starts off with the name Charles Band in the opening credits, Chuck puts the “K” in quality and he also puts the “P.U” in Puppet Master, all  642 versions of that movie. Anyway this is about Terrorvision, not the doll movies. In the opening scene we have some alien guy talking and along with what we find out later is an outer space junkyard. Pay close attention to the junkyard and see if you can find the upside down Starship Enterprise.

Back on earth dad, “Stanley” is installing one of those new satellite antennas, it’s pretty tiny by 80’s standards, but kids don’t be fooled in those days they were the size of a panel van. I should know, I would have to go out in snow storms and rotate the damn thing for my dad when the reception was fuzzy, but that is a story for another day.

TerrorvisionAs the movie goes along it is revealed that Stanley and Raquel are Swingers and need to have Grandpa watch the kids so they can have another couple over. Suzy and Sherman do not need to know what mom and dad are doing behind closed doors. So Suzy has her boyfriend come over and he is quite the beefcake, WASP shirt and all. If you pay close attention you might notice this guy is Jon Gries  the uncle from “Napoleon Dynamite” another movie that really creeped me out and forced me to ask myself a lot, “What in the HELL?”

Suzy and OD depart leaving Grandpa to teach his Sherman how to grow up to be a man, and one of those ways is teaching him about a self sustaining meat source, yes lizard tails. They grow back and  are pure protein, all I can think is I am pretty sure that’s what in a can of SPAM. It’s during this point our not so friendly alien arrives from the outer space junkyard and starts to reek havoc.

Grandpa is the first to go, killed with an alien hand that is two fingers and oozes this weird goo. All I could think is that hand would be perfect to hold a roll-your- own-cigarette if you know what I mean. Sherman ends up calling the cops, no go, then calls the local version of Elvira, Medusa. At one point the camera is going to zoom in on Medusa’s cleavage, take it in, because this is the closest you will get to seeing any breasts in this movie. Granted their are some breast paintings, and a topless statue, after all they are Swingers. Just for the record I have met real Swingers and all I could think is they are the reason hand sanitizer was invented.

The Alien ends up eating Mom, Dad, and the couple who were their “Guests”. The loveable Alien ends up using their heads as sort of a finger puppet type thing, and at one point has all five adults are in bed (Grandpa included)  in a scene I am sure that sparked my imagination as to how dirty this movie really was.

The tone of this movie is very tongue in cheek, mixing comedy with a little bit of “horror” and by horror I mean so kid friendly I had to check to see what the rating on it was, with no blood and not even one real boob, I thought it might have be  PG after all their aren’t even any swear words. Turns out to be R but the kills in the movie are nothing worse then I have seen on some kids’ TV, and I am guessing that this was before we were blessed with PG-13. The look of the movie is so 80’s sitcom that I almost expected a laugh track. But with all that said I did think it was a lot of fun and just not in the way my 16 year old self enjoyed it years ago.

roadside attractions

  • Exploding satellite dish.
  • Liquidfied Grandpa
  • Hot Daughter
  • Swinger Mother
  • Alien Junk Food Eating
  • Swimming Pool Barfing
totals

0

blood

BLOOD

0

blood

BREASTS

2

beast

BEASTS

5 OVERALL
dripper

Watch the trailer to “Terrorvision”

trailers

dripper
Apr

posted by admin | April 30, 2014 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Guest Review, modern horror, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Terminal Invasion: A guest review by Deadman

Terminal

To really get the grasp of how far we’ve come, as far as movies and special effects are concerned, we have to look back at where we began. And while I think it’s a shame that big budget movies, with less than palpable story lines, are getting top-notch effects teams and directors the horror movie genre has gotten the short end of the stick. And nothing shows both the beginning of new age special effects and the effects of a tiny budget like the movie Terminal Invasion. Oh, yes, folks. This little gem that most of us forgot. Probably on purpose.

Now. To begin this review I must give a disclaimer for all those FanBoys out there: The Chin is in this movie. Correct! Bruce Campbell, himself, is in this thing. Now before I get beaten to death with special edition DVD copies of Evil Dead 2, let me say this: this movie is horrible! Not even the Almighty Bruce, himself, could save this thing! So let’s dive right in.

TerminalThe first thing to note about this piece of….film is that it was made in 2002. Why do I say that is the first noteworthy thing about it? Simple. This movie came out when The Matrix was still fresh, as well as other HUGE names like Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, and so on and so on. A tiny movie about aliens in a Bumville, USA closed airport wasn’t even a blip on the radar. So there’s the premise, folks: aliens invade a closed airport in Random City, USA and all hell breaks loose.

But before we get into the mayhem that is sometimes so cliche it hurts, we have to start with every typical ‘who-dun-it’ premise: a mysterious stranger. No, really, they never give the backstory for Bruce Campbell’s character. Ever. A snowstorm knocks Jack (Such an original name for The Chin) and his two police escorts down an apparently traversable mountain. They jump into the terminal that’s been shut down. Let the body count begin!

First up on the chopping block: a priest! Boom! Wait, a minute, folks, he wasn’t a victim! Oh, no! He was an alien in disguise coming after Jack. That’s right. They’re after The Chin, himself. Granted, who wouldn’t be? But still. Oh, and in case you’re wondering the reason why, you never find out. Continuing. So let’s meet the cast, folks. There’s stereotype 1, 2, and so on and so on. There is nigh an original character in this whole movie.

Once the whole ‘who’s who’ thing is sorted out and they’re all convinced they’re dealing with aliens there’s a whole bout of morality and a game of ‘moron with a gun shoots someone human’ yay! Can’t have a body snatchers type movie without one of THOSE scenes. Moving on. For some odd reason they believe that they can find out who’s human and who’s not with a luggage x-ray machine. Another death, folks, complete with horrible one-liner.

TerminalBut oh no! The x-ray machine is now broken, shot up trying to take out the alien. And there isn’t another one. What kind of airport is this?!? ONE machine? Come on! Anyways. We get some more action scenes with bad writing and obvious stunt doubles, galore. While most of this movie is forgettable, there is one aspect that is highly memorable: the CGI. While it’s more than clear that there was better than “I did this project for art class” quality out there at the time, the production company went with “I think my nephew has a computer” budget. There’s more than enough laughable scenes made worse by the effects. Even what could have been a REALLY good practical effects scenes are ruined with attempts to be clever with the camera.

While the plot in this thing is already frighteningly loose it seems to just unravel at the end. Where the alien attempt to explain why they’re there in the first place seems to take a back seat to another horrible action scene. And of course, the whole thing wraps up with Jack spouting some silly, out of place line.

To wrap up. Horrible writing, bad direction, CGI that is bad enough to make you sign up for a designer course, and all of it painfully predictable makes for a terrible movie. Even The Chin, himself, couldn’t save this B-Side floater. However, it IS worth a watch, just to get your laughs in and possible make a drinking game out of it. Thanks for reading, folks!

roadside attractions

  • The Chin
  • Inappropriate Priest Convo In A Bathroom
  • Bra, No Bra, Bra, No Bra
  • The Chin
  • Airports Only Have One Plane
  • Avalanche Gun (With explanation)
  • The Chin
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

0

blood

BREASTS

It’s made for TV!

5

beast

BEASTS

5 OVERALL
dripper

Watch the trailer to “Terminal Invasion”

trailers

dripper
Oct

posted by Barry Goodall | October 15, 2013 | B-movies, Guest Review, New Releases

Comments Off on Ghost Shark: A guest review by Deadman

GhostShark

Shark movies are a dime a dozen. Even more common than shark movies are bad shark movies, lke this little SyFy-produced gem aptly named Ghost Shark. Boy, are we in for a whopper: a fisherman’s tale so hard to believe Bruce from Jaws is rolling in his grave. We start the movie with three extras turned plot devices and all the cursing a major network can allow. It sounds more like the would-be conversation of a couple of tweens who just learned their first swear words. And these three salty folks are on a chartered ship trying to catch a fish to win a contest that has not been mentioned, or ever gets mentioned, in the entire movie. Plot device,ho! The female aboard the ship has a tiny handy-cam which she’s filming the entire venture with, giving us our first “That’s gonna come back later” moment. Upon hooking what we’re lead to believe is an award-winning fish, for the contest that is never again brought up, we have apparently a great white shark that comes and not only eats the fish on the line but spits the stripped carcass back onto the chartered boat. Take a minute to let that ‘Tom & Jerry’ moment sink in. Got it? Okay. Let’s continue.

In a “murderous rage,” and I use quotation marks because the actor has the emotional range of a highway billboard sign, Redneck Fisherman #1 starts to shoot at the shark. It gets better. After shooting the shark with a .357 revolver, he gets all Daryl Dixon and uses a crossbow. Don’t finish that sigh, yet. Following the eight bullets fired from the six shooter, and the crossbow bolt to the face, the guy adds insult to injury by pouring hot sauce on the shark. Now you can imagine that all this was some grand chase or some kind of pursuit or multiple sessions of the shark surfacing, but this all happens at the back of the boat and the shark stays to take it all. The final straw to this attack is when the couple on the back of the boat throw a stick ofdynamite into the shark’s open mouth, which proceeds to explode, but doesn’t kill the shark. That’s right, a stick of dynamite, in the mouth of the shark, and that DOES NOT kill it. Whilst the drunken fishermen celebrate their victory over the hungry predator, the shark that we now know is destined to be the title character, swims to a cave to die when the walls glow with symbols that were probably drawn by the producer’s infant son. A bad CGI shark dies and floats to the depths of the ocean.

Already tough to swallow? We’ve only gotten past the first scene, folks. The shark that went to die in the glowing cave, by the way, that never gets explained, comes back as a see-throughblue predator of the deep that can now leap over tall boats with a single splash, bite peoplein half like they’re made of Wonderbread, and the ability to….Oops. Spoilers. Remember that previously mentioned handy-cam? Yeah. We get the set-up for the first half of the movie from the supposed footage from that thing. Enter the rest of the cast! Teenagers galore and bikinis (although very old styled) abound and not a single person outside of the main characters are on the beach! No, really, stock footage is used to establish a busy beach and then real footage takes over and it seems these kids are the only occupants. Now begins all the worst shark attacks that man can muster and paste to film. First shark attack is a teenage girl, bitten in half, off the top of a Jet Ski. Ghost sharks can leap. The chartered boat shows up with “blood all over the deck” (in reality it’s just a bloody hat) at the same time, thus leading the Scooby Doo gang to put together the shark-killed folks. Yeah, I know. But at some points it really does play out like a cartoon.

Begin the great investigation! And I meant the Scooby Doo reference. Almost every adult in this movie is simply unwilling to budge on any point made, even when they witness the shark comeout of a man’s body, splitting him in twain, just a few feet away from them. Yes, folks, that’s the Ghost Shark’s super power! The edge that makes it the most dangerous CG critter this side of Starship Troopers is that it can “haunt” any standing or running water around the town! Kids are devoured going down a slip and slide, modeled like a shark, of course, cheerleaders are chomped on during a summer car wash, and the aforementioned man split in two met his fate at the hands of the office water cooler. Oh, the humanity! Oh, the horror! Oh, my glob! It doesn’t make this movie ANY BETTER! Almost everyone that meets up with the apparition is guaranteed certain death, except the main characters, of course. The sister of the main female protagonist gets mauled in her bathtub, only resulting in a badly applied make-up effect of a bad cut. So I’ve gone through some of the attacks, leaving out the pool party attack where a severed head ends up impaled on a champagne bottle, but there is one thing we haven’t covered: actors. All these players are no-name actors except for Richard Moll. That’s right, Bull fromNight Court ended up on a SyFy shark movie.

So now that we’ve gotten the meat of the movie out of the way, let’s discuss how they “kill”the Ghost Shark. Call the Ghostbusters? No. Perform some voodoo ritual? No. Sing a song and show it that only true love can prosper? No. After a false ending of stabbing the shark with the bolt from the crossbow above and it exploding like an incorporeal pinata, the only way to kill the shark is the way they’d been discussing for the last 20 minutes in the movie: blow up that glowing cave! (Fake CGI shark cadaver included). But what’s this? Lo, those who could only see THIS plot twist coming, will have called it and knew its arrival. It starts raining! More specifically, IT STARTS RAINING GHOST SHARKS! Goodbye, Richard Moll, you will not be missed. But this is a SyFy movie. They blow up the cave and the whole town is saved. For the credits, the last survivors go for a swim in the now safe ocean, somehow forgetting their father, friends, lovers, county officials, and someone’s dog, are all dead. You can breathe now, folks. It’s over. If you think reading it was hard, try watching it!

Blood: 7 – less than a hanful of good gore spouts.
Breasts: 5 – It’s a SyFy feature
Beasts: 3 = less than convincing and sadly…Sad

Deadman is a published writer, YouTube reviewer of video games, movies and the like. Also a zombie survivalist who has a series to help those get through Z-Day. A lover of all things horror and B-Flick. Born and raised in El Paso, Texas. An artist, gamer, and father. He games as often as possible and when he’s not gaming he’s creating some literary work. Weird sense of humor, but always willing to make fun of himself, too. Another interesting note is that he is blamed by friends and family to be responsible for the zombie apocalypse; being evil isn’t easy these days.

Deadman is his second name, the first one has been stricken from history. Ask him anything
and he’ll probably have an answer.

Deadman0204.blogspot.com
Youtube.com/deadman0204

Mar

posted by Barry Goodall | March 18, 2013 | 50's b-movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Guest Review, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Killers from Space (a Guest Review by Blake Lindsey)

Killers from Space

Like many of my favorite B-films, Killers from Space is vintage sci-fi. Directed by W. Lee Wilder (aka “The Other Wilder,” legendary director Billy Wilder’s older and less talented brother), written by his son Myles Wilder, and starring a young Peter Graves and the babely Barbara Bestar, the film is a classic “alien invader’s evil plan” flick.
Killers is straight out of the Ed Wood school of film-making: bad modeling, cheesy sets, and over 10 mins. total of stock footage, mostly from early 50s US military sources. It has its charms though, not the least of which is faithfully reflecting its era: cigarette vending machines in the hallways of a hospital; period language (the observation planes during the A-bomb test are designated “Tarbaby 1,” “Tarbaby 2,” etc.); frequent visual references to then-President Eisenhower and the American flag, and even the presence of one of Mr. Hoover’s steely-eyed “G-men.” No atheistic, closet Hollywood Commies made this picture, by God!

Killers from SpaceDuring an atomic bomb test (cleverly code-named “Operation A-Bomb Test”), the observation plane carrying Dr. Douglas Martin (Peter Graves) is pulled down by a mysterious light on the desert floor. Everyone assumes he died in the crash until he shows up a few days later, wandering weak and disoriented around base with a new (but completely healed) scar on his chest. He is subsequently released from the hospital after his identity is confirmed by G-Man Briggs (Steve Pendleton), but he is put on medical leave for the time being, all the while having disturbing visions of eyes. After incidents of odd behavior noticed by friends and his wife, Ellen (Barbara Bestar), and then some treasonous but very amateurish espionage (he left the Classified Information vault door open when he left—really), he flees but is captured and fed sodium amytal (“truth serum”) and it is revealed that he has been hypnotized by aliens residing in caverns under the desert floor not far from the test site. According to the aliens, he died in the crash and they recovered his body, installing a new heart (hence the unexplained scar). He is the only one who believes this, of course, the others suspecting insanity on his part.

Killers from SpaceThe aliens (I call them “Feldmanites”) came to Earth via a “electron bridge” to annihilate its current biosphere and start from scratch. Their own sun is dying, and although they waged genocidal invasions against their own neighboring planets to escape the doom of their home world—Astron Delta— it is not enough. They need Earth for their 1 billion population, and they need to clear its biosphere before taking over (the fact that they are creating a dead planet in order to escape their own dead planet is not explored in the film). They have been collecting and storing electrons from the US government’s A-bomb tests, holding “several billion electron volts” in “nucleo-storage units” to achieve this goal, but their power grid is dangerously overloaded as they have been siphoning electricity from the local power station. The Feldmanites have also been breeding giant mutated insects and reptiles for their “ethnic cleansing” campaign, as we know because the film spends almost 4 minutes of filler time showing us over and over again accompanied by bad audio effects.

Fortunately for our species, Martin figures out that he can foil the Feldmanites’ evil scheme by simply shutting down the power grid at the generating plant for a few seconds, thus releasing all of their stored “electrons” in an unscheduled A-bomb test of his own—death by circuit-breaker. His plan succeeds after some sleepy action scenes at a power plant, and the film closes (appropriately) with stock footage of an atomic bomb exploding as the “nucleo-storage” batteries go.
While this film is low on the 3-B scale and has a plot with some astonishing inconsistencies, it’s very entertaining with its obvious eye fetish and a great period piece if you enjoy early-50s schlock.

roadside attractions

  • Historical stock footage
  • We Like Ike
  • Eye fetishists
totals

-2

blood

BLOOD

I’ve seen more gore in a Disney film; there’s not even a shooting.

0

blood

BREASTS

We don’t get to see the bestar of Barbara, alas; this was the early 50’s when decent, red-blooded Americans didn’t have sex or even drop a button or two

3

beast

BEASTS

Giant mutated insects and lizards; aliens with Marty Feldman’s DNA pattern

1.0 OVERALL
dripper

Check out this trailer for “Killers From Space”

trailers

dripper
Feb

Comments Off on Freaked (A guest review by Experiment 42)

Experiment 42

He was born 3 days after the introduction of the IBM PC, the offspring of an alien and a maniac. He runs on DOS. Raised on the isle of Zaxxon on a steady diet of Mail Order Monsters. Has 20 imaginary friends all named Vic, a secret girlfriend called Lisa, and even an imaginary pet platypus he calls “The Commodore”. Nocturnal by nature, must wear prescription eyewear to prevent blindness. Has an eye for Adventure, no stranger to Combat, (even the occasional Joust). Built a teleporter at age 11. Spent most of his teens and twenties watching and collecting movies in order to better assimilate human culture. Lost Highway now proudly brings Experiment 42’s review of Freaked. Time to get your freak on!

freaked

So, you are visiting a third world country, happen to be on the back roads and see misspelled signs for a freak show. Of course you would need to go visit it right? Well, that is what 3 dupes do. Upon seeing that it is run by Randy Quaid, they decide, sure, it’s safe to go into the secret warehouse. That’s when it all goes wrong for our … ‘heroes’? With the help of a Commodore 64, and some kind of radioactive fertilizer they are turned into hideous freaks to be displayed for the paying public of “Santa Flan”.

Ricky Coogan (Alex Winter from Bill and Ted) a sleazy, former child actor, and Ernie (Michael Stoyanov of Blossom) his lackey friend, fly Pan Am to Santa Flan [named for the patron saint of creamy desserts] to help promote the use of banned chemical fertilizer Zygrot 24. There they are met by a swarm of protesters let by Julie (Megan Ward of Trancers II/III) who they convince to ride with her to pelt Coogan with Insults and Cow crap.

On their journey Ricky eventually blows his cover and argues with Julie until a string of signs leads them to Elijah C. Skuggs Freek Land, a local freakshow. Skuggs [Randy Quaid] tricks all three into visiting his secret warehouse. After being transformed by something that looks like a green slime akin to Nickelodeon’s Double Dare, Ricky, Ernie and Julie meet all of the freaks created by Skuggs.

freakedA man with a giant nose, a crescent wrench turned into a hammer, a bearded lady (played by Mr. T), a frog man, the Eternal Flame (A Man with constant flaming flatulence), a man whose head has been turned into a sock puppet, a cow cowboy, a human worm, and Ortiz the dog boy (played by the uncredited Keanu Reeves). They come up with a plan to escape Skuggs’s machinations. First dodging Mr. Toad, and two Rastafarian machine gun toting eyball robots. Then the additional transformation of Ricky into a super freak. I was still waiting to hear Skuggs utter “Shi***** full”.

Honestly, you need to watch it to know whether you will enjoy it or not, but it is the quintesscential B-Movie. C-List actors, lots of foam rubber, puns, and cameos.

roadside attractions

  • Rabid Dog Boy Knife Fight
  • MACHINE GUN RASTAFARIAN EYEBALL ROBOTS
  • Petting and Heavy Petting Zoo
  • The world’s loudest styrofoam cup
  • President of the United States Larry Bud Melman
  • Outhouse built like a TARDIS
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Head Spiked like a football after being removed with one’s bare hands.
Man Impaled with I Like Ike Placard
Bob Vila hit in the head with a hammer.
Brooke Shields riddled with bullets. Twice.
College Professor Crushed in a Riot. Twice.

0

blood

BREASTS

The closest we come to seeing any skin is just post transformation of JulieErnie, and just prior the miming of extra chest-al equipment.

5

beast

BEASTS

All of the Freaks
A Really Big Shoe
Two Headed Chicken

7.0 OVERALL
dripper

Check out this trailer for “Freaked”

trailers

dripper

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>