Archive for the 'Holiday films' Category

Dec

posted by Doktor | December 27, 2016 | 90's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Third Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Third Slay of Xmas: Feeders 2: Slay Bells

One Xmas you might get a video camera from Santa. Maybe you hate the world and everyone in it. Maybe you’re tempted to make a movie, a sequel to your first flop film. Don’t do it. Please. For the love of Christ, don’t do it. The Hammond organ you use for the soundtrack will drown out everything else in the movie. The video effects your Atari 1040STE is capable of creating are only slightly better than crayon drawings by a person suffering a Grand Mal seizure. Most damning, the alien invaders will be attacking Wellsboro, Pennsylvania and no one cares about Wellsboro, Pennsylvania.

Get some shots of the family. Perhaps make a sex tape. Mostly just let it collect dust in the closet. The world will thank you for keeping it to yourself.

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Fourth Slay of Xmas: Elves

Watch the trailer for “Feeders 2: Slay Bells”

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Dec

posted by Doktor | December 26, 2016 | 80's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The Second Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The Second Slay of Xmas: Silent Night, Deadly Night 2

Ricky, Billy’s (Silent Night, Deadly Night) little brother, escapes prison and goes on a killing spree thanks to an overconfident psychologist, Dr. Bloom. Bloom’s hubris has him believe he can interview a vicious serial murderer alone. Wrong! Never go it alone. Ever.

No matter how maximum the security, security is never adequate to stop a determined serial killer, especially one who comes from a family of psycho killers. So for the love of God keep the guard in the interview chamber with you, and if possible, have the guard armed with the weapon trained on Ricky (or whomever) the whole time!

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Third Slay of Xmas: Feeders 2: Slay Bells

Watch the trailer for “Silent Night, Deadly Night 2”

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Dec

posted by Doktor | December 25, 2016 | 80's b-movies, Feature, Holiday films, Horror movies, Review by Doktor

Comments Off on The Twelve Slays of Xmas: The First Slay

Season’s Grievings from your friends here at The Lost Highway. 2016 has been a difficult year. We lost Professor Snape, Admiral Ackbar, and even Alf. We watched as the United States of Earth was divided down the middle in a vicious election which still threatens to end in a nasty divorce. There were devastating natural disasters and Russians hacking. It’s been a real bummer.

And now to compound things it’s the holiday season, the worst wonderful time of the year. “While everybody else is opening up their presents, (others are) opening up their wrists” because “the suicide rate is always the highest around the holidays.” (Kate Beringer, Gremlins). In light of this year’s events, and the weight of the holiday season, what’s a mutant to do?

This Xmas we decided to put together a little gift to answer that question, a list of advice gleaned from the reel world of b-movies. We watched twelve Xmas themed movies and learned twelve valuable lessons to help navigate life.

The Lost Highway proudly presents: The Twelve Slays of Xmas.

The First Slay of Xmas: Silent Night, Deadly Night

Billy became a serial killer because of Santa Claus. That’s right, good old Saint Nick drove Billy bug nut crazy. Well, sort of. Really it was Billy’s family. Had the family not taken a trip to the nut house to visit Grandpa life would have played out differently.

It is believed that holidays are about spending quality time with family. This is a recipe for tragedy. Don’t do it. Family is horrible. Why subject yourself to that nightmare? Stay at home, safe and sound in your pjs, snacking on peppermint sticks and watching the late, late, late movie!

Be sure to come back tomorrow for The Second Slay of Xmas: Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.

Watch the trailer for “Silent Night, Deadly Night”

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Nov

Comments Off on Friday the 13th: Part III

To celebrate Friday the 13th by watching Friday the 13th, I wanted to take a look back at my favorite Friday, “Friday the 13th Part III.” It’s like watching “Die Hard” at Christmas at my house.
Part III, how do I love thee? Lemme count. Number one, there’s the sweet 80’s main theme that I like to call Disco Jason. Such a party track. Number two, Part III is in 3D, and many copies you can buy even come with old school 3D glasses. (And, mercifully, the option to watch in 2D.) But number three and most importantly, this is the first Friday where Jason is the Jason we know, love, and make action figures of, the man in the mask Alice Cooper belted about in part VI. I mean, everyone knows Mrs. Voorhees is the killer in part one, and in II, Jason’s rocking a flour sack and not truly at full Jason – although, in fairness, he is mourning his crazy mama. Part III is Jason moving on, out of the shack with mama’s severed head, out of the camp setting entirely, and while he’s still pretty human looking around the edges, we do get the hockey masked, immortal/undead/zombie/whatever the hell he is killing machine of legend and box art in this movie.

Part III opens with the end of part II, just in case you were afraid you’d be lost in the mythology. Ginny, the Final Girl of II, pretends to be Jason’s mama and then machetes him real good in the shoulder. When the coast is clear though, we see wounded Jason scoot away into the darkness. Then we rock out with Disco Jason and 3D movie credits invade our personal space.
But the movie really starts with a bickering couple, presumably middle-aged, although I think the wife is actually pretty young and they put her in a bathrobe and curlers to make her insta-45. Bickering couple are just chilling out at their combination crappy home/crappy rural grocery, when the wife listens to local news recount the aftermath of part II, so of course, Jason’s ears are burning. It’s OK; bickering couple were just the appetizer.
After we’ve established that Jason’s on the loose and his stabbing arm is all warmed up, we get to meet our crew of nubile young victims. And they’re in a van. They even have a pair of stoners in the van. I’m just glad they didn’t have a dog, because I cannot stand violence against animals.

OK, so roll call: we’ve got Chris, the Final Girl – we know this because she’s a pretty, but serious girl, kinda turned off of sex, and she both owns the van and has a boy’s name. We have Shelly, who attempts to make up for his lack of traditional good looks with gory practical jokes and pouting about how no one likes him; the stoner couple; Deb the pregnant girl and her innocuous boyfriend Andy; and finally, Vera, a cool Latina who was conned into being Shelly’s date. Pretty good selection for Jason to run through. Despite happening upon a crazy old man who warns them, um…pretty much just to be warned, he’s not very specific, the kids continue to Chris’s family farm, which is also convenient to Camp Blood.

When they arrive, Chris meets up with Rick, an old boyfriend, and she starts to get emo and ominous about not being back to the place for two years. I would like to take a moment and point out that despite not seeing each other for an undefined amount of time or being in a current relationship, Rick instantly begins pressuring Chris to get snuggly and never, ever stops. I realize inviting a guy to spend a weekend with you strongly implies receptivity to snuggling, but let her finish a sentence, you horndog. Rick’s painted as a good guy, driving a VW Beetle and everything, but really, he’s a jerk. Jason will make it better, I’m sure.

Back to the plot. I need to introduce a few more victims. Our other variety of jerk (bigus fatus jerkus), Shelly, goes with Vera to a local grocery for supplies. This grocery, however, is being menaced by a three-person biker gang. They don’t do much though besides threaten the kids a little bit, and you have to wonder exactly how much tough biker ganging there is to be done in a brightly-lit country store too small to even have aisles. Shelly manages to back over one of their bikes as they leave though, and in so doing unwittingly adds three more to Jason’s kill list, because you know the gang’s going to have to follow them and try to get revenge.

All the dominoes are now set up, and it’s fun to see how Jason knocks them down. 3D filming techniques will assist where possible. He’s less creative than he will be in the future, of course, but I believe he does innovate the fuse box kill here, and while there are some callbacks – Kevin Bacon’s death in the first “Friday the 13th” is a good one – they’re well repurposed.
It all comes down to Jason and Chris though, and we learn through torturous, onion peeling dialogue scenes that this is not her first rodeo with a deformed psycho killer. In fact…it was at this very place on the lake… Sigh. Chris, you’re an idiot, aren’t you?

I will give Chris credit for being a pretty effective Final Girl, using things in her environment as diverse and innocuous as hay bales and manual car windows to her advantage and executing traps with minimal whimpering. I wouldn’t be able to go close enough to Jason to loop a noose around his neck, uh-uh, no way. She may not be Kirsty Cotton or Laurie Strode, but she’s pretty tough stuff. Not as tough as Jason, but hey, who is? Jason’s basically jerky to start with.

roadside attractions

  • Brand-new crazy old man to warn the kids about Jason
  • Jason finds his signature look
  • Central casting stoners
  • Central casting bikers
  • Fried hippie
  • Not practicing speargun safety
  • Not practicing hammock safety
  • Red-hot poker action
  • The Boy Who Cried Psycho Killer
  • I am crushing your head
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

A little dated and heavy on the eyeballs for my taste, but Jason shows real enthusiasm for this kind of work.

2

blood

BREASTS


Fleeting exposure in a pretty self-conscious shower scene.

8

beast

BEASTS Jason will get hulkier, maggotier, and more inventive in later sequels, but there wouldn’t have been a Jason X without Disco Jason.

8 OVERALL There’s a purity to Part III I enjoy. The formula is solid by this point without being overdone, and it’s happy to just be what it is: a big dumb fun slasher movie for Reagan’s America.
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Watch the trailer to “Friday the 13th: Part III”

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Jan

Comments Off on Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker
“He’s Home… But He’s Not Alone.”

1991 – R – 90 Minutes – Lionsgate
Starring William Thorne, Mickey Rooney, Jane Higginson – Directed by Martin Kitrosser

Let’s take a moment to consider what Christmas is really about; toys. The newest and coolest toys. If you don’t have the latest and greatest toys, then you suck, you’re dead to me. Get better toys. Much like video stores, the mom and pop toy stores were run out of business for not carrying the ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ or the latest Pokeman’s. It’s all big business now and they lack any heart. It’s the little guy who knows your kid’s name and will leave him killer toys anonymously at your doorstep, then head back to his filthy apartment to beat his kid. At least this is the case in Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker stars Mickey Rooney, a well known actor who wrote a letter of disgust in protest against the original film stating that the “scum” who made the movie should be “run out of town.” That is until he needed a paycheck. Change of heart suddenly, Mickey? It also stars a bunch of other people that aren’t worth noting, so does this make it a bad film? Nah, it’s alright.

Like EVERY Christmas-horror movie, some kid named Derek is watching their mom going at it like a pony out to stud, but for a change of pace, it’s not with Santa Claus this time. His peeping tom time is interrupted by the doorbell, which to his surprise when he answers, is a gift for him. Before he can open it, his dad, a very shirtless and hairy man, sends him off to bed for opening the door so late by himself! After all, what if it were a killer Santa? Feeling greedy, he opens the gift to find a musical orb painted up like Santa. It’s charming, until he literally flips the kill switch on the thing, which proceeds to strangle the gangly, hairy man as he falls on a fireplace poker. Double kill!

sndn5_2Two weeks pass and Derek hasn’t spoken a word. His mother, Sarah, on the other hand, is annoyed that Derek hasn’t moved on. She is on vacation mode while this kid does odd things like squish his eggs at breakfast, for which she smacks him around a bit. Geez kid, your father was brutally murdered in front of you by a Christmas toy, get over it! But if there is one thing to get a child’s mind off a witnessed homicide, it’s a brand new toy. Sarah takes him down to Petto’s Toy Store run by Joe Petto (played by the aforementioned Mickey Rooney) and the odd Pino. Pino is the type of odd that makes you feel uncomfortable in daylight… in public. Pino offers Derek the hottest toy they have to offer, Larry the Larvae! That’s right, all the kids are clamoring for the latest, hideous looking and sounding insect toy. All this time, some guy named Noah disguised as Kyle Reese has been following Sarah and creeping around Petto’s store. Who on Earth could he possibly be? For one thing, he’s the world’s biggest (and most likely only) Larry the Larvae enthusiast, cause he scoops that hunk of plastic up after Derek and Sarah leave and he seems to be in a rush. I can tell ya, he’s not in any rush to pay his rent at the local seedy motel he’s staying at, wherein his room is littered with toys from Joe’s shop. The landlord (or whoever runs motels) shows up demanding money or Noah will be evicted and manages to talk the landlord into taking the Larry the Larvae toy until he can get him his money. Wow, this thing must’ve been a hot commodity! It’s worth more than a handful of them Beanie Babies!

Such a hot commodity that the landlord needs to play with it and take it out of the packaging while driving at unsafe speeds. First of all, who takes their child’s toy out of the package to give to them and secondly, why in the car? The guy is barely paying attention to the road that his death is unavoidable at this point. Larry the Larvae acts in natural selection’s place and crawl into his mouth, sucking in his eyes as he inevitably crashes his car and being early 90’s movie law, the car explodes! All this guy wants for Christmas is his two front eyes!

sndn4_3Maybe taking Derek to see Santa will help him out (with another anonymous present to be found on their way out), even if Santa turns out to be a creep, since it’s Noah in disguise. What are the odds he happens to be a mall Santa, spotted them in line and talked Ricky (Clint Howard reprising his role, but not the same role) into giving him his shift? The stars must be aligning.

While all of that was going on, Pino is breaking into Sarah’s home with a key he keeps hidden under a brick with the writing, “Pino ’75”. Wow, it’s a good thing those locks haven’t been changed nearly twenty years. Wait, why is his name dated from that long ago? I’m getting ahead of myself and that question will be answered, but Derek and Sarah arrive home early thanks to Santa Creep and Pino bolts from there, scaring Sarah half to death. She immediately storms down to Petto’s Toy Store and demands answers and that answer is… they use to live there. That’s it. Still, it feels like there is something more to it…

That night, Sarah decides to let Derek open the mystery gift, thinking it’s from her friend Kim and to answer your question, yes the same Kim from Silent Night, Deadly Night 4! She has apparently adopted Lonnie and they both seem to have forgotten all about the crazy bug cult, kidnapping and spontaneous combustion and now live in a town with killer toys. As Kim is distracting Sarah, Derek takes the present out to the trash since the last time he had a gift left on his doorstep, it didn’t turn out so well. Lonnie happens upon this discarded present and opens it up to find himself a brand new pair of rollerblades! But these rollerblades were secretly rocket powered, enabling Lonnie to go at uncontrollable speeds of about 5 miles per hour! He smacks right into a car, which I’m sure he could have done faster by going down a slight incline, and ends up mummy wrapped in the hospital.

Back at Petto’s place, he does his typical dad stuff, like gets drunk and starts wailing on Pino, who it turns out is much stronger than he looks and accidentally tosses Joe right down the stairs.

Sarah heads off to visit Kim and Lonnie in the hospital, leaving Derek to a pair of promiscuous baby sitters. Just this kid’s luck. You remember what happened the last time this kid heard people going at it? As odds would have it, it happens again. Joe appears dressed as Santa and drops off a sack full of deadly toys for a (what seems to be) heavily cut gore buffet! He uses this opportunity to snatch up Derek and flee the scene, cause nobody would be able to connect who left all these toys from a specific store in the middle of a bloodbath.

sndn5_4Meanwhile, the connection between Noah and Sarah is revealed; he left for the military, they were dating and that he is actually Derek’s real father. Wow, that’s a lot of unnecessary and predictable exposition. But we can’t move on the the finale yet, there is more. Noah explains what he was doing with all the toys; making sure they weren’t boobytrapped! That’s right and there’s more. Turns out, Joe was arrested for boobytrapping some toys in the past after his pregnant wife died in an accident. That explains that, but then who is Pino?

And we do find out in an eye popping moment when Pino reveals he is actually a robot built by his father! He strips his costume right off and resembles a Ken doll, full size and come to life… and just as smooth, if you catch my drift. Turns out he grew quite an affection for Sarah and wants to kill her son to replace him. He expresses this by lifting up her legs and dry humping her, making for a very merry Christmas, I’m sure.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5 not only (kinda) brings back the killer Santa gig, but also goes back to the series more exploitation roots, opting more for bizarre and disturbing sci-fi that was popular during the early 90’s rather than the then not so popular slasher elements. As you may have noticed, the plot for a type of film like this seems needlessly complicated, but I assure you, it’s not. Everything is explained in a couple lines of dialogue and they move on. Earlier I stated that this film stars nobody at the expense of a joke, but that is underselling it. Everyone actually puts in a fine performance, especially the actor playing Derek, who barely has any dialogue throughout the film and even Noah resembles somewhat of an almost as talented Stephen Dorff. Pino is downright creepy and when his true nature is revealed, you look back and realize he was kind of robotic in hindsight. Come to think of the casting, you have to assume casting Mickey Rooney and putting him in a Santa costume as a killer was intentional. Also, the Pinocchio nod with Joe Petto and Pino and Pino being a toy created by Joe was a very cool, dark twist on a fairy tale.

I can’t help but shake the feeling the MPAA wanted this one cut down, as there seems to be quick cuts away from gore, which is a shame since it’s done quite well. Yeah, this film has more blood than the previous two, but less ickiness than Initiation. The onslaught scene of the toys massacring the babysitters is outstandingly bloody and perhaps a bit comical.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker
The film certainly captures the holiday spirit (you know, decorations, Santa and murder) much better than Initiation and doesn’t feel like the title was a last minute inclusion, but rather it’s part of an anthology series with the same theme. I found it to be a lot of fun from the concept, right down to the performances, you will have a jolly ol’ time. It made me wanting for a sixth installment, but what we got instead was a less than mediocre, copy and paste modern day slasher. Maybe we will take a look at that next year.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Don’t open till Christmas… or else.
  • Killer toys.
  • Keep your eye on that toy!
  • Drunk Mickey Rooney dressed as Santa and smacking people around.
  • Battle of the bedroom.
  • Robo-Pino.
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

It wouldn’t be Christmas without a whole lotta red.

4

blood

BREASTS

Two pair are better than one.

7

beast

BEASTS

Drunken Mickey Rooney with an army of killer toys and a creepy, perverted robot kid!

5.6 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer!

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