Archive for the 'Horror movies' Category

Sep

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Retard-O-Tron III

Remember how awesome it was to make mix tapes for cruising around in your friends car during the summer? Each song would reflect your freedom, wild nature and reflecting back on the other good nights. Or the girl that you wished you could tell her how you felt, so you put together that perfect mix of songs about staying up late thinking about her, casual conversations and falling in love? Retard-O-Tron III is that mixtape for gorehounds, cheesy b-movie fanatics, cult fans, porn lovers, hardcore and punk aficionados alike.

So as you may have gathered, or if you have seen the other two films, Retard-O-Tron III is a clip show with a sleazy and vulgar twist. It goes far beyond just presenting clips from films. It splices them together, both video and audio of some of the raunchiest, nastiest, goriest and downright disturbing videos. As soon as you pop this thing in your DVD player, before you even play the feature, the graphic on the Main Menu alone should be a warning… or a welcoming invitation to the mad and macabre crowd.

The film opens up appropriately enough with several Japanese girls sitting in a circle, peeing into the air, like a pee fountain… no, not LIKE a pee fountain, it IS a pee fountain. This is all synchronized to the elegant and tantalizing music Beethoven, showcasing a prime example of mixed media art. If there was a ever to set a tone for a film, this would be it. Shortly after, we are introduced to a cooking show, Cooking with Merrill The Great Gourmet. Merrill is… a bit slow and seems to have somewhat of a temper. This is cut back and forth to throughout the film, but next we are shown what is probably the funniest mash-up I have ever seen and pretty damn gross simultaneously. Imagine if you had tuned into Britains Got Talent, there sit Simon and whoever the other two judges are, scowling and waiting for the next shtick. A beautiful woman enters the stage and presents her “talent”… blowing air out of her bunghole. What she does with it next though, let me just say that it displays the elasticity of the human rectum and does not look like it feels pleasing in the least bit.

There are also tidbits of opera singers, dubbed with belches and farts at one end of the spectrum and at the other it has porn clips with opera singing dubbed over it. A majority of the duration are karaoke videos that look like they would have been on a public access channel, various movies, like Terror Vision and Bloodsport, all fused with a variety of music from Kris Kross to Le Tigre and my favorite, scenes from Reb Brown movies Strike Commando and Space Mutiny (Reb makes anything awesome). This is the formula that follows, but you’ll still find yourself shocked and then laughing maniacally. You’ll feel sick, both mentally and physically, but it’s the price you pay.

The mixtape ends on a high note, various snip-its of Japan doing what Japan does to entertain and proving to the world why they are Japan and nobody else is or would want to be. If I had to describe the vibe to Retard-O-Tron, it would be like asking yourself after every scene, “What the f*#@ did I just watch?” It’s as if you tuned into a bizarro episode of Tim and Eric. As depraved as this may be, it’s hysterical. I felt nostalgic for my high school days when my friend and I would watch repugnant and farcical videos on sites like The Stile Project and Ebaum’s World. This is all edited by a man named Roelewapper, who is most likely a mad genius and we are all part of his experiment. So check out Retard-O-Tron III and visit the official site. Just bring a bucket.

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • You’ll never see Britain’s Got Talent the same way again.
  • Reb MF’ing Brown.
  • Grumpy gourmet.
  • Japan.
  • You know what, the whole damn thing is a Roadside Attraction.
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

There is some in the various clips.

9

blood

BREASTS

Here, there, everywhere.

10

beast

BEASTS

Everything you witness, especially Merrill, is a monster.

8.3 OVERALL
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Sep

Comments Off on Night of the Demon

Night of the Demon

How many Night of the Demon(s) movies are there? We’re all familiar with the 1988 film Night of the Demons and it’s sequel, Night of the Demons 2. There is a also a 1957 British monster movie Night of the Demon, but I’m talking about the 1980 killer Sasquatch flick with the same name. You think that may be confusing? And I have to ask, why call it that? They could have easily called it Night of the Sasquatch, but oh, maybe that would have been convenient. On a plus side, this is one of those infamous video nasties, although it seems to go unnoticed, even by a good majority of horror fans.

Like most good Sasquatch movies, this one is told in flashback form and I know the Charles B. Pierce classic Legend of Boggy Creek II comes to mind, but remember Chuck’s ‘squatch flick came 5 years later! Come to think of it, both are fairly (and suspiciously) similar at moments, although Legend of Boggy Creek II is far less violent… and features far too many characters wearing upsettingly short shorts.

notd_2The movie opens with Dr. Nugent, laying in a hospital bed, sadly not from cat scratch fever. Apparently that’s not a real thing, but his face, however, is covered from the mouth down as it seems to have been scorched off in a battle with the monster. But for a guy with no lips and first degree burns all over the bottom half of his face, he seems to be talking just fine about the Sasquatch deep in the woods that killed everyone and attacked him. So, we jump into the flashback machine and watch an old man get his arm ripped off. The point? To bring in his daughter, seeking the help of Dr. Nugent and the rest of his anthropology class. Now the plot gets rolling and they set out into the woods to find some answers, but it’s more like the answer finds them. Like a blood soaked Scooby Doo episode, the gang heads into town and questions the inhabitants to find the Sas’ and some woman being called Crazy Wanda, but they uncover a whole lot more.

Believe it or not, there is a lot going on in Night of the Demon than one would think. It doesn’t come across as convoluted, but rather magnetic. When the cast isn’t standing around in flannels spilling exposition, Dr. Nugent tells the class the legends of the creature and we get to witness the full blown red carnage. Most infamously, a biker stops at the side or the road to pee and has his dong ripped off! The camera does not shy away from this effect and will leave you groaning in pain as his newly opened wound spews blood like a garden hose. There are also some rather… silly tales, as one camper is twirled around in his sleeping bag, tossed like a bean bag and impaled on a tree branch. Sasquatch must’ve been Jason’s trainer for the sleeping bag scene in Friday the 13th Part VII! Another is when two Girl Scouts (who look a little too old to be in Girl Scouts) are for whatever reason packing knives, so clever ‘Sas grabs their arms and makes them stab each other. I couldn’t help but wonder, ‘”Why don’t they just drop the knives?” Because then we wouldn’t have that scene, that’s why.

I have to mention the subplot involving a cult. Yes, this movie has about everything, so why not add a cult? About the middle of the flick, the gang interrupts what looks like a cult about to rape a woman. They later find that woman was Crazy Wanda, who they had been searching for. After some hypnotizing (apparently anthropologists need a hobby), they get Crazy Wanda to tell them about the cult and her past, but not why she doesn’t appear to have showered in some time. You see, years ago Wanda’s crazy dad use to beat her after she was raped by Sasquatch and had his mongoloid baby. In fear that her father may kill the baby and the baby-daddy, she sets her father on fire. And you thought the girls on Teen Mom had daddy issues.

notd_3Night of the Demon does have a surreal, spasmodic vibe to it, with the stories that Dr. Nugent tells feeling like a misplaced puzzle piece anthology of sorts. When Sasquatch is stalking his prey, rather than your usual wide POV shots, the camera adds a red vignette to the screen, leaving you feeling as if you are in danger. It could almost feel unsettling and along with the biker’s johnson getting ripped off, there was a disemboweling scene that landed this movie on the Video Nasty list. Yeah, you can show a young woman get raped by Sasquatch, but some dude’s willy gets yanked off… that is just too much, sir! And if that’s not enough, the lighting of the film is notably very Dario Argento-esque, accompanied by unnerving howling ambiance and the music almost sounds like simple synth, like it was lifted out of Don’t Go in the Woods or The Forest. This isn’t to say it doesn’t have the flaws you would expect from this kind of film, such as acting more stale than three year old Cheerios and questionable editing at times. I also remember them mentioning a preacher who had killed himself because he saw the Devil existed after seeing the spawn of Crazy Wanda and Sasquatch. I have to ask, if you’ve accepted and believe in God, doesn’t that mean you also believe that the Devil exists (after all, believing in one is acknowledging the other exists)? Then again, what do I know? I’m a Scientologist.

It’s an overlooked and possibly even unknown gem. I completely forgot about this film, until I saw it at a yard sale for a quarter (best damn quarter I’ve spent). Nobody seems to mention it, then one day you bring it up and then their reaction resembles something like, “THAT movie… Oh yeah… it’s awesome!” So, see the legend everyone seems to be keeping quiet about. Just make sure you pee before.

roadside attractions

  • Girl Scout knife fight.
  • Camper shot put.
  • Making baby ‘squatch!
  • Gut tearing terror!
  • Flannels!
  • Instant Biker sex change!
  • Ax’ing questions.
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Limbs get ripped off, guts get ripped out, wieners get… it’s over the top.

5

blood

BREASTS

They were sure to give you a peek in the first ten minutes so you don’t turn off the tape.

9

beast

BEASTS

Killer Sasquatch, Crazy Wanda, Devil worshiping cult… all in the days work of an anthropologist.

7.3 OVERALL
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Sep

posted by Barry Goodall | September 1, 2013 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Amityville 3D

Amityville 3d

Made for TV’s Tony Roberts and Candy Clark are investigating fake seances when they uncover some paranormal tom foolery at the infamous Amittyville house. After exposing the scam artists, Tony buys the home cheap from the realtor who later gets his face eaten by flies and dies in his attic. That doesn’t seem to really shock anyone. Sure a haunted houses comes with a few demonic insect swarms but those bleeding walls mean you don’t have to decorate for halloween.

amityville 3dTony later uncovers a major plumbing problem in the basement with a uncapped drainage well that goes straight to hell. It keeps filling his house with demonic spirits but at least that will keep his heating costs low in the winter. Candy stops in later when Tony is away and gets blasted by some extreme ice mint flavor coming up from the basement and is found huddled freezing on the floor. She hightails it out of there only to be impaled by a plumber’s pipe and trapped in her own burning car. The worst case of freezer burn ever.

Thickheaded Tony is still not convinced his house is haunted despite just having a free ride on a demonic shake and bake elevator at work and invites his daughter Lori Loughlin to stop by. She brings four of her pals including a young Meg Ryan for a little demon house warming party. After flirting with Tony, Meg gets out the ouija board and gets the ghosts riled up enough to start breaking glassware. Or it’s could just be Meg’s insane levels of perkiness. It’s like holy water to evil spirits.

Tony’s ex-wife shows up later just as Lori gets killed in a boating accident returning as a drippy zombie that hides in her room. After seeing her daughters ghost, Tony’s ex convinces him to hire a rookie scientist and his crew to investigate but they all get sucked up into a vortex of evil by a fire breathing gillman from the basement’s hell pit. Tony and his wife escape just in time to watch the house explode in a spectacular display of pyrotechnics which somehow still leaves the front porch lights on. Its just too bad everyone else was already killed and had to miss the show. Barry Goodall says this movie could have used more of the 3B’s and less of the 3D but check it out if you got a hankerin’ for gratuitous objects thrust at you. “A FRISBEE!!! A BOOM MIC!!! SPITTLE! A FLASHLIGHT!!! OH THE HORROR!!!”

roadside attractions

  • Death by fly smothering
  • Ghost puppets
  • Face shish-kabob
  • Dry well entrances to hell
  • Demonic photoshopping
  • Car-side BBQ
  • Flame thrower death pit
  • Door smashing
  • Glowing orbe
  • Sail fish harpooning
  • Multiple exploding houses
totals

4

blood

BLOOD

Not much blood but lots of people getting killed by flames.

0

blood

BREASTS

None…this must be that “family friendly horror” I hear the Disney folks talking about.

9

beast

BEASTS

flies and some weird demon gillman that lives in the basement. Another reason to make sure your kids move out when they’re 20.

4.5 OVERALL
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Aug

Comments Off on Profile of a Killer

Profile of a Killer

We’re all guilty of going great lengths to get attention and who came blame us? With all this social media, it’s hard to get anyone’s attention, unless your most inopportune moment happens to be captured and put on YouTube. But unless you want to become the latest meme, how far would you go? I remember I once pretended to run away from home, thinking my mom would come looking for me. Probably should have ran further than my backyard.

Take young David here, for example. It’s Christmas time and he’s becoming Minnesota’s next serial killer, leaving a trail of decomposing skeletons across Route 61, earning himself the nickname “61 Killer.” It’s a good thing he didn’t leave the bodies along Route 69! And all of the things Minnesota is known for, besides Kirby Puckett and the invention of Scotch Tape, it has to be bizarre serial killers. Anyway, with local police baffled, they call for the help of retired FBI Profiler, Saul Aitken, who kinda looks like Robert DeNiro in some scenes. Saul meets up with Special Agent Cade, who seems like a more confident or veteran Clarice Starling. She comes off as cold and emotionless, but still pretty cute. Together, they go over the details of the case, examining the bodies, one of which is missing an arm, attempting to connect all the clues together, but this may be harder than it seems, since both profiles they have come up with so far are opposing ideas.

Later at his hotel that night, Saul gets a special delivery… the missing arm from one of the bodies! Shouldn’t have ordered the mystery meat. Saul rushes to his door to chase after the delivery man, but in a surprising turn against cliches, the killer is still at the door and kidnaps Saul at gunpoint. I almost thought we were going to have a moment similar to Seven there for a moment.

poak_2Saul wakens in a bathtub, cuffed by the ankles and hands like a prisoner, but not shackled down to anything (don’t worry, this isn’t another Saw style movie). He gets up and moves around the sullied, broken down home and finds young David cooking them breakfast. After a tour of his humble abode, David tells Saul that he’s been ‘fishing’ for a profiler, to tell him exactly who he is, how he thinks, why he kills. So he wants to be… profiled. And this is the great length he will go to get his attention, but the police and FBI aren’t giving in to it.

The remainder of the movie is what the internet is calling a ‘cat and mouse’ game. But whenever I hear that, I think of Tom and Jerry chasing each other dressed as Sherlock Holmes and Jack the Ripper. Don’t ask. But for a lack of a better description, we’ll go along with calling it that. Reminding me of Hard Candy, the favorable odds seem to shift back and forth between Saul and David periodically and rather quickly. Just when you think Saul is breaking through David’s psyche, making progress, David will throw him a figurative curve ball that makes Saul not only question the methods and the fragile mind of David, but maybe some of his own life decisions.

David turns all of this into a game. Saul must ask the right questions, make an accurate profile of David if he is to prevent him from killing again. No matter what David does, the authorities won’t give him any media attention (if only we would do the same with Lady Gaga), so he decides to focus his attention on the police, targeting Special Agent Cade. Now things are becoming personal for Saul and the police are closing in on their whereabouts as the game comes to conclusion.

poak_3Profile of a Killer isn’t about showcasing visceral, over the top and gory deaths, but instead is a cerebral film, pitting two minds of opposing sides of criminology against each other. I found myself at the edge of my uncomfortable futon guessing in anticipation as to what might happen next. Most of the time, I was wrong. Films like this tend to fall into their own cliches, making them predictable and stale, but this movie doesn’t go in the other direction; it goes in a different direction altogether. It’s a familiar feeling that seems to be turned on its side. You’ll be surprised.

At times, it can feel like the movie is dragging on (run time is about two hours), however it’s for a good reason: They are taking their time and developing character and I have to say this is the film’s strongest point. You feel sympathetic and confused for David (after all, we are all lost in this world over saturated with social media), you can feel the frustration and sadness of Saul. Even the minor characters, you feel like you know them because we actually spend the right time with them and the progression the character goes through.

You can check out Profile of a Killer on Demand now and if the delivery man happens to bring you a package while watching it, make sure it’s something you’re expecting.

roadside attractions

  • Meatless skeletons.
  • Special Agent Cade: Dana Scully or Clarice Starling?
  • Saul, Robert DeNiro stunt double.
  • I cut off the Sheriff’s face, but I did not cut off the face of the deputy.
  • Spam Christmas dinner.
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

A little bit, but lots of gruesome skeletons.

4

blood

BREASTS

They always seem to be under several layers of coats. Cade keeps them wrapped up pretty tight… except for that one scene…

8

beast

BEASTS

The minds of Saul and David are quite beastly. And Cade kicks some arse.

6.3 OVERALL
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Aug

posted by admin | August 17, 2013 | 80's movies, Horror movies, Reviews by the Goon, Sci-Fi, Slasher, Slasher films

Comments Off on The Fog

the fog

It’s midnight and for you that may mean you’re half in the bag, working up the courage to talk to that girl you think has been checking you out all night at the bar or maybe you’re sitting on your couch in stained under-roos demolishing a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos flipping through Netflix, but not settling on anything to watch. For the folks in Antonio Bay, it means something ghostly. Something deadly.

As the small coastal Californian city gets ready to celebrate their centennial, odd and almost poltergeist like things begin to happen. Car alarms blare, payphones ring for no reason, dogs go crazy with barking (so basically, normal California now)… all with the sudden appearance of a fog. This ominous presence also very slightly upsets the mortar at the church, knocking lose a stone and uncovering a 100 year old diary of a teen girl. No, it’s from early settlers, but in their defense, it was cool for everyone to have diaries back then. Father Malone reads the journal, discovering that his grandfather along with five others purposely sank the ship the Elizabeth Dane and its crew of lepers, who only wished to develop a colony… but who would want to live near a bunch of icky lepers?

the fogThat evening, Nick (Tom Atkins who is MUSTACHLESS!) picks up a hitchhiking Jamie Lee Curtis, who must still be on the run from Michael Myers. On their way to nowhere, I guess, all of the car windows explode. Meanwhile, three fisherman drink beer on their boat as that fog rolls in. Ghastly, shadowed figures slaughter them and then vanish. The next morning, DJ Stevie Wayne (played by Adrienne Barbeau) is given a broken piece of drift wood from her son that only reads “Dane.” Later at the radio station (which she rocks in a lighthouse) her tapes play backwards, the wood bursts into flames and the words “6 MUST DIE” appear on the drift wood. Stevie just continues on about her day, which I assume is all you really can do.

Father Malone unveils the secret of the town’s founders to the mayor before the big ceremony: That they celebration would really be honoring murderers. Not to rain on his parade or anything, but didn’t English people murder a bunch of Native Americans to get the land we live on today? That’s beside the point.

The celebration goes on as planned as the fog rolls in, cutting power and phone lines. Bet you didn’t know fogs were were like the SWAT team of weather, did you? The specters in the fog claim a few more victims, including the weatherman Dan (Charles Cyphers) and Stevie’s son’s babysitter, who is some random old lady. Stevie gets on the radio and pleads for help for someone to help her son. Nick snaps into action and scoops the boy up before he becomes the sixth victim. You know, if all they want is six, that kid shouldn’t have been so selfish and let them kill him and the ghosts would have stopped terrorizing random, hard working people and causing a lot of money in property damage. Just saying.

the fogStevie then gives the worst advice, telling everyone to go to the church because it’s the safest place. She gives this information with absolutely no proof (guess her radio station is owned by FOX News. Zing). Father Malone is the only one to brave up and offer himself as a sacrifice, taking with him a gold cross. As he is being attacked by Blake, one of the ghosts that was murdered by his grandfather, it begins to glow because… it’s neat? No idea, but Nick manages to scoop up Father Malone and save him. The fog and the ghosts disappear, since they most likely have better things to do. The movie concludes with Father Malone pondering why he wasn’t killed, just as the fog rolls back in and the ghosts reappear.

In all honesty, The Fog isn’t John Carpenter’s best work, but it’s certainly not his worst. This film was after the success of Halloween, but right before the gory, special effects heavy The Thing, so it seems like good middle ground. It certainly showed how well director John Carpenter was developing as a filmmaker and storyteller. With roles from actors in previous John Carpenter’s, it’s interesting to see them all play different characters instead of being typecast. Also, the characters are all named after his friends, so it’s good if you like trivia. You could look at this as an experimental piece. What it lacks in violence and blood, like the previous mentioned films, it makes up in moody atmosphere, chilling darkness and a spooky story.

So tune in listeners, check out The Fog (now in a stunning restoration on Blu-ray from Scream! Factory) and keep them windows locked and doors bolted.

roadside attractions

  • Ghost Pirates!
  • Carpenter Cast Roll Call.
  • Somehow this movie feels like it should have Tom Waits singing sea shanties.
  • When Father Malone first opens the diary, pause it and see what it says on the page…
  • Take a shot every time Annie is a total B.
  • Janet Leigh, still foxy.
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Not too much blood, but plenty of hooking and some eye gouging.

4

blood

BREASTS

Jamie Lee, covered by bed sheets. Bummer.

7

beast

BEASTS

Better hope you’re the seventh person in line of the ghosts of the Elizabeth Dane slaughter.

5.7 OVERALL
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