“I just can’t make sense out of these pumpkin carving instructions!”

You know you’re watching some special when you have a giant demonic bunny and Patrick Swayze as a cheesy motivational speaker both in the same film. I was half expecting spouts of Roadhouse wisdoms like “pain don’t hurt” or “Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary.” Oh poor Patrick how far you have fallen. But fortunately he’s only a minor character in the tangled time travel web of Donnie Darko.

Jake “I’m not the same guy that plays spiderman” Gylenhall stars the title role of Donnie, a troubled teen who likes to sleep at golf courses and on roadside corners. Is Donnie just a secret binge drinker who can’t get a cab? Hard to tell, but when he starts hallucinating giant bunny rabbits who tell him the world is ending you’ve got to wonder. Donnie gets more words of wisdom from this demonic Bugs Bunny telling him to do warm fuzzy things like setting Patrick Swayze’s house on fire and flooding the local highschool. The only thing I’d think a flood in a school would do was to cut into their snow days, but it’s all part of a master plan of the creepy bunny to set thing right in the universe. Donnie’s new girlfriend Gretchen (not her real German name) is about as messed up as he is so it’s not surprising she is inadvertently killed off by a Trans-Am towards the end of the film. (sorry major plot point….Death by Pontiac.)

A breach in the fabric of time and space occurs potentially causing the universe to implode much like Sanjaya Malakar winning American Idol would do. Donnie’s only course of action is to load up his dead girlfriend in the car and take her to look-out mountain for a better view of the end of the world. Makes sense? No? Well fortunately Drew Barrrymore and Noah Wyle who play teachers at the school try to explain things but it only further confuses the viewer.

Lots of heavy time travel mumbo-jumbo-jet engine falling Donnie crushing excitement. If John Hughes was hooked on crack and was lying in the gutter somewhere in the 80’s he would have thought of this convoluted plot line. A fantastic movie to stretch out your brain muscles to along with some great vintage 80’s music make it one of the top cult films of the decade. I’d recommend watching this movie at least two or three times. It makes even more sense when you’re sober so put the beer down and give it a try.

Keep an eye out for…

- Hulk-a-mania
- pyromania
- gratuitous use of the term “Sparkle Motion”
- Trans-Am mayhem
- obsessive mailbox checking
- tramp-o-leans
- indulgent pumpkin carving
- poor jetliner quality control
- demonic giant bunnies

“Cellar door” is not the most beautiful combination of words in the english language…I like the words “free buffet”

rated 9.4 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Donnie Darko

“That’s either Elvis or a werewolf.”

Ho-Tep-1. Relative or descendent of the 17 Egyptian dynasties, 3100-1550 B.C. 2. Family surname of Egyptian Pharaoh (king).

Bubba-1. Male from the southern U.S. 2. Good Ole Boy
3.Cracker, Red Neck, Trailer Park Resident.

Slap the two together like peanut butter and bananas you’ve got yourself a fine b-movie sandwich called Bubba Ho-Tep. Bruce Campbell stars as the king of rock n’ roll who secretly now resides in a creepy retirement facility (the waiting room for God.) and no Elvis has not left this building..in fact he’s pretty much stuck in bed talking to himself and complaining about a growth on his pecker that may or may not be cancer.

Elvis had decided to trade places with an Elvis impersonator a few years back. You’d think that if you were Elvis and wanted to blend with the crowd you trade with a middle aged over-weight league bowler from Biloxi. Good hip movement is critical in a successful bowling technique after all.

His performance days are put to an end though when he breaks his hip during a local impersonation show (there goes the bowling league) and is sent to spend his remaining days at a anti-luxury retirement center in the Texas backwoods. He soon discovers that residents are dying off faster than usual and with the help of his friend John F. Kennedy, a aging black man who thinks he’s the former president, they begin to unravel the mystery. Turns out it’s an ancient mummy who has taken up residence at the home for it’s all you can eat buffet of death and is sucking residence souls through any available orifice (yeah you get the picture). He’s also a very snappy dresser in his mummy cowboy boats and hat and is generally ticked off at being dead.

Elvis and JFK do battle against this ancient pharoah with the help of their walker and motorized wheel chair while they attempt to defend the home’s residents against the onslaught of the mummy’s soul-food diet.This is a great little horror/comedy that if anything will make you be even nicer to your kids so they don’t put you in a similar home when you’re old.

Keep an eye out for…

- BBQ/napalm trailer park accidents
- soul sucking redneck mummies in cowboy boots
- offensive Egyptian bathroom graffiti
- kleptomaniac Grandmas
- motorized wheel chair kung-fu
- Senior Walkers Texas Rangers
- flying Elvis

at no point did Elvis say “uh hey there uh pretty mummy”
rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Bubba Ho-Tep.

“shhhhh…did someone say there’s a sale on plaid!?”

In the fine cinematic tradition of Hell High, Halloween, and Friday the 13th, Blood Sisters is another slasher wanna-be where the madness and mayhem all stem from an innocent kid going through traumatic events thereby making them psycho killers adults. All child actor stars should be watched carefully by law enforcement if this is the case. The movies start when a little girl calls a young boy a pervert because he doesn’t have a father. This doesn’t make any sense at all..wouldn’t that make him a bastard and not a pervert?

Apparently it traumatizes the boy much more than the fact then he’s the son of a prostitute who lives in a nearby brothel house. This small business startup apparently was overlooked by the neighborhood association. The Victorian house is filled with some weird ladies of the night dressed in strange westerns neo 18th century wardrobes just hanging around looking like they just took a dozen Benadryls.

Well business goes bad when one of the patrons and an employee of the month is killed via a double barrel shot gun. The brothel is shut down for good apparently not just for breaking some local noise ordinances. Eeesh did anybody notice before that there was a house of hookers in the neighborhood?

Flash forward 13 years and the co-eds of a local sorority are pledging their new members. Much like a PBS pledge drive it consists of weird rituals, white robes, and drinking goats blood. Their next secret initiation is spending the night in the legendary abandoned whorehouse which is also now supposedly haunted. Before their arrival some dorky frat guys who barely can muster enough intelligence to carry a box through a doorway set up pranks to scare the girls. Every stereotype of girl arrives there, nerdy girl, trashy girl, won’t stop talking girl, snobby girl, plus some other girls who apparently are so dispensable that there names aren’t even mentioned. I believe in the credits they’re referred to as big haired victims#1-4. Take count as they all kinda look alike in the set’s bad lighting.

Watch in horror as the girls try to escape to their van only to find that it won’t start (shocking!) and while complaining that it’s too cold to stay there decide to go back into the house where the murder still lumbers around. Apparently they’d rather be killed than a bit chilly. It’s a guessing game who the murderer is but if you pay only the slightest attention you’ll figure it out. This movie is lame and it’s only saving grace is the terrific commentary track by Joe Bob Briggs and for that it is well worth taking a look.

Keep an eye out for…
- jack-in-the-box scene of terror
- JCPenny manquin noosings
- flying scarfs
- shot-gun view-cam
- dangerous over-acting
- special f/x ghost hookers

rated 3.1 out of 10 for the movie (8.8 for the commentary track and interview)
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the quality acting in this pivotal scene from Blood Sisters

“Found another ancient Michigan Blogger.. apparently froze to death like the others.”

John Carpenter, the king of 70’s & 80’s horror, brings us this great film. Kurt “Don’t call me Pliskin” Russel plays R.J. Macready, the leader of a desolate arctic observation outpost. As 6 months of darkness are nearing, which is about the only thing they have to look forward to, a Norwegian outpost nearby is suddenly destroyed in some sort of mysterious Norwegian way. Luckily a dog escapes while being hunted by a Norwegian helicopter which unfortunately also explodes. Apparently Norwegians can’t handle explosives safely and have poor animal control policies. Well this dog is special..not in the the sort of way of it can play fetch or roll over but it does have the ability to absorb and takeover over other life forms in gruesomely horrific ways. Count yourself lucky your pet can’t do that. It would make dog shows much more entertaining though.

No one in the outpost trust each other and they soon realize that anyone of them could now be the alien as it’s discreetly takes over people one by one. Snake Pliskin… oops I mean RJ McReady devises a homemade test to out the creature by electrifying petry dishes of everyone’s blood samples. Apparently this is not just to see who get’s grossed out first. the outpost luckily has stocked up flame throwers for the winner. So the films ends up to be a drive-by alien BBQ frenzy ala Kurt Russell. If it moves or scurries then Kurt will cook it.

Great atmosphere and paranoia along with amazing special F/X makes this one of the all time classic horror movies. I say check it out and wear a warm coat while watching it.

Oh and keep an eye on your dog. He’s looking kinda funny.

Watch out for.

- petrie dish kung-fu
- arctic BBQ parties
- creepy Quaker Oats guy
- easy CPR based arm removal techniques
- the dog kennel of horrors
- gratuitous use of flares

What’s the difference between Arctic winters and Michigan winters? Michigan winters have pot holes.

Wasn’t the chef in the muppets Norwegian?

rated 9.3 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for the Thing

“he-he…he-he….I like pie”

Bad things happen when you let creepy little girls go out and play in swamp duck blinds. Parental supervision in this movie is at all a time low when a young Brooke Storm accidentally impales some horny motorbike cross-swamping enthusiasts onto a strategically placed rusty gate. Duck blinds only lead to death and mayhem…remember that folks. Flash forward 18 years only because the movies tells us to and Brooke is now a stereotypical unbalanced high-school biology teacher. She’s having trouble dealing with a student named Dickens and his small brain-dead following of Queenie and Smiler. Apparently in the 80’s not a lot of thought was given to intimidating gang nicknames.

Jon-Jon an ex-football star played by Christopher “I can’t act” Cousins is the newest and least despicable character of this gang. That’s not saying a lot as all the characters are pretty low on the morality ladder. This rough gang of 4 decide to rebel against high school by doing things like tossing school report papers into the air, sitting in the bleachers complaining, being peeping toms, and tearing up the football field with their giant boat of an Oldsmobile. Man, if this was modern day high-school they would have been beaten, stuffed in a locker, and forced to ride the little bus to school.

These losers decides to play a prank on Brooke’s house by splattering it with mud and swamp slime further causing her to have some sort of Vietnam flashback. So Brook ends up going postal and goes on a murderous revenge spree on the gang. There’s a pencil to the head, rock to the face, knife to the throat, ouch! Who will survive? I don’t care.

Am I scared of duck blinds now? Yes I am.

Joe Bob Briggs has a great commentary track on this one. Watch the movie first then listen to the Joe Bob commentary track turned on. It’s hilarious.

Keep an eye out for.

- Slime-o-rama
- abandoned duck blinds used as kids playhouses
- lazy man football touchdowns
- peculiar placement of rusty gates in open fields
- body doubles
- the deadliest weapons of all– rocks, pencils, and swamp mud.

by the way is that a swamp or is it a field? you decide.

rated 7.3 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out a TV promotion of Hell High