Archive for the 'Horror movies' Category

Feb

posted by General Relativity | February 6, 2013 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Reviews by General Relativity

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Wishmaster is basically like the worst grammar nazi friend ever. Not in the sense that the Wishmaster corrects you when you use “lesser” when you mean “fewer” and gets all pissy when people say “very unique.” Rather, Wishmaster takes everything you say absolutely literally. On top of that he is completely evil. So he will interpret whatever you say in the most detailed, literal, and evil way possible. For example, if you were to say “I wish I could fly,” the WIshmaster would make you levitate into the atmosphere until you froze in the blackness of space. Or, to take another example, if you were in prison and upset about that situation and said, “I wish my good for nothing lawyer would go copulate with himself, such is my hate for him.” (but in not those exact words), the Wishmaster would make the lawyer copulate with himself. Seriously. That actually happens in the movie (NSFW).

The plot of Wishmaster 2, much like its inferior predecessor, consists of the titular evil genie, played by the amazing Andrew Divoff, going from situation to situation tricking hapless mortals into making wishes which he interprets in the most literal and frequently gory and hilarious way possible. For some reason, the Wishmaster decides to get himself arrested so he can go to prison, where people wish things like “I wish I could slip through these bars” with predictably gory results. Anyway, the plot isn’t important. Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies is a hidden gem of 90’s b-horror, mostly thanks to the deliriously hammy Divoff. He is like a performance artist from some edgy comedy troupe dropped into a horror movie. With his demented rictus and bizarre line readings, his interactions with actors attempting (and failing) at naturalism become more surreal than scary.

The Lessons from “Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies”:

-Just leave the mystical lamp/gem/whatever alone. Don’t polish it.
-If you are going to make a wish, make sure its carefully wordsmithed beforehand.

roadside attractions

  • Evil Detail-Oriented Genie
  • Wishes Granted
  • Excellent 1990’s Fashions
  • Prisoners Tormented
  • Gang Bangers
  • Talking Placentas
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

All you could wish for.

1

blood

BREASTS

Nobody wishes to get laid by a supermodel. Do the filmmakers know their audience? Isn’t that the most common wish?

10

beast

BEASTS

I wish Divoff’s Wishmaster was rightfully heralded along the great new wave horror monsters

9 OVERALL
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Check out this trailer from “WISHMASTER 2 EVIL NEVER DIES”

trailers

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Jan

posted by Barry Goodall | January 28, 2013 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Arcade

arcade

A possessed video games starts stealing kids souls in 1993’s “Arcade” and only Peter Billingsley and his trusty red rider rifle can stop it. Peter plays Nick, a self proclaimed gaming wizard who thinks he can beat any game ever made. He and his slacker buddies head down to the Dante’s Inferno Arcade to check out a new videogame and listen to some Pearl Jam. The game is called Arcade and supposedly so high-tech you have to look through a submarine scope and use joysticks while wearing racing gloves. That’s 90’s marketing genius.

Nick is the first to give it a try but once inside the virtual gaming arena, he gets stuck in a spike maze and is killed by a flaming skull bat. Stunned by his defeat, Nick claims it’s the most amazing game he’s ever seen. Really Nick?…even more amazing than Kirby Superstar? All the kids are given a free console version by the promoter but sadly Ebay hasn’t been invented so they can’t sell it back. Alex (Megan Ward) resident newbie isn’t as impressed but her boyfriend Greg ditches her to stay behind and play it anyways. The game microwaves him like day old pizza and he disappears in a puff of smoke. Nobody really notices or cares, but I blame Nirvana.

arcadeDays later people finally start asking what happened to Greg and Alex’s console game starts taunting her about her now teen spirit boyfriend is trapped inside and she’s next. She rushes over to Nick’s to be “consoled” who doesn’t believe her until witnessing a friend getting nuked while playing it in her living room.

Alex and Nick decide to go to the game’s sleazy promotor Mr. Dillford, played by John De “Q” Lance who tells them they are on “trial for crimes against humanity!” OK not really. He actually has no clue what they’re talking about so he takes them to game’s programmer, Albert for some valuable gamer tips. His best advice is “don’t die” and then shows them a picture of a game map for bonus points. Albert must have missed the beta testing.

Alex and Nick plug back into the game now turbo-charged with kids souls but Nick gets wiped out on the first level and Alex gets zapped into a bonus round where her mom commit suicide. Wow, so remember kids don’t play video games or your parents will die. Glad she didn’t make it to the “kicking puppies” level.

ArcadeAlex fortunately had earned a extra bonus life so she’s able to return back to the playfield to defeat the possessed game, free her friends and getting back her loser boyfriend Greg all before dinner. Sadly Nick didn’t even get to first base with Alex. He must have too busy being the “gaming master” or maybe it was the pink bunny suit he kept wearing?

“Arcade” is not one of Full Moon’s better films that didn’t involve killer puppets or star Tim Thomerson but the 20 minutes of psychedelic credits were interesting enough. Barry Goodall says check it out but only if you’re running low on gaming tokens. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to get back to playing a much better game of Angry Birds.

roadside attractions

  • Flaming skull bats
  • CGI by a 5th grader
  • Seth Green’s Hair
  • The spiked cave Level from the game Doom
  • Emo pod racing
  • Slacker power gloves
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

A  few ketchup drops on a sucidial housewife’s blonde wig.

0

blood

BREASTS

The only boobs are the ones that paid money to see this in the theater.

5

beast

BEASTS

The arcade machine itself and a few CGI rendered flaming skull bats left over from a Def Leopard video.

2.5 OVERALL
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Check out this trailer from “Arcade”

trailers

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Jan

posted by admin | January 7, 2013 | 90's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Reviews by the Goon

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Dead City

Don’t get me started on zombie films. In a nutshell, there are too many of them and they don’t offer anything different: Same makeup, same stupid hissing sounds and same plots. But take this little gem from the mid 90’s. Here’s a little movie from The Necro Files director Matt Jaissle that offers a different spin on the zombie genre, much like Dead Heat was a zombie movie. Now that I think about it, you could also compare this movie to Universal Soldier, only with a mullet clad hero instead of Van Damme. That’s a good thing.

Anyway, onto the movie! Dr. Bloom played by Bill Hinzman, who I barely recognized behind that hunky mustache… or maybe it’s because his face wasn’t painted grey and he wasn’t chomping down on a boobie, has discovered a way to reanimate dead tissue. I guess Herbert West should have patented that. The good doctor had to borrow money from the mob to fund this little science fair project and they are dubbed as ‘Cybernetic Zombie Assassins’ or CZA’s. Kinda catchy. Actually, it kinda sounds like a member of the Wu Tang Clan. The CZA’s are draped in black trench coats and these weird Mortal Kombat ninja masks with goggles and tubes. Come to think of it, they kinda look like the Augers from Night Trap. Did you ever play that? Good lord. So as one may have figured, the doctor has a change of heart (some BS about moral issues, I dunno) and the mob boss Francis has him gunned down. Francis is the kind of guy who does indeed wear his sunglasses at night so he can keep track of the visions in his eyes. He also slicks his hair back with about several gallons of shoe polish and wears black suits that he probably lifted from a funeral home and has a very ‘snake-like’ face. But that’s just my opinion. He’s a greaseball. That’s what I’m trying to say.

Dead CityEnter Dr. Bloom’s son, Taylor (the mullet guy I mentioned earlier) who looks kinda like if Kyle Reese had a severe addiction to gravy and painkillers. Taylor is all like, “Where’s my dad?” And Dr. Bloom’s porky, drunk lab assistant Russell is all like, “He’s dead, bro.” Then Taylor is all like, “Bro?” Then Russell is like, “Bro.” Well it wasn’t quite like that, but you get the idea. Taylor and Russell decide they are going to use the CZA’s to get revenge on the mobsters. But first, they have to rebuild all the CZA’s in a sweet 80’s montage! Or should I say 90’s? Either way, it’s awesome! That is until the bucket of ice cold water to the groin of a girlfriend of Taylor, Heather. Basically, her role is small and simple: Try to be the moral compass and tell them the revenge plan isn’t a good idea. Pbbt, stupid girl.

Taylor goes along with his plan anyway, because he is pissed off, so to hell with everyone and their stupid feelings! This dude has some major daddy issues and pretty much has a jock mentality of just beating the crap out of everything as an answer. So the CZA’s kill the mob and then wander off and start killing everyone. And by everyone I mean a couple people, two of which are cops who don’t call for back up and scream at each other like they are trying to talk over some loud noises that aren’t there.  Taylor realizes that he must set out to stop them, only to get stabbed in the chest by a CZA with Wolverine style claws. However, Russell and Taylor know that if they bring him back as a CZA, then he can stop them once and for all! It’s actually not a bad plan. Although in an earlier scene, the CZA gang up on Taylor, who only has a shotgun, but they run away when his girlfriend shows up. I guess the CZA’s biggest weakness is frizzy ladies’ 90’s hair.

Dead CityOh remember that mob boss? Yeah, he comes back as a CZA too, but with this goofy cartoon chipmunk voice. Apparently he had his own group of scientist copy the same serum that Dr. Bloom created. So why would he keep funding a project if he already had what he was after? To be more evil, of course!

Dead City, also called Legion of the Night, is a low budget, cheesy good time. The entire cast chews scenery like a kid chews Big League Chew: big slurpy gulps. It’s a lot of fun to watch and worth a couple laughs. The only downside is there really isn’t enough to satisfy any gore hound. The movie tends to shy away in that department.

Regardless of my small complains, this one comes highly recommended. The Legion commands it!

“The version I had the honor of seeing was a limited release from local VHS aficionados Vultra Video. They brought the best copy they could get a hold of and produced this video, so please check out their site www.vultravideo.com.

roadside attractions

  • Evil Mob Boss Grease?
  • Foul Mouthed Renegades
  • ?Homeless(er) Kyle Reese?
  • Augers!?
  • Wolverine Ninja Skillz!
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

A few squibs. Pip, pip, pip.

3

blood

BREASTS

One set of gozangas

9

beast

BEASTS

Sure those CZA are deadly, but these Mobster’s grease are just as deadly!

7.6 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Dead City” aka “Legion of the Night”

trailers

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Dec

posted by General Relativity | December 30, 2012 | Horror movies, modern horror, Reviews by General Relativity

Comments Off on Lake Mungo

Much as the internet lowers the barrier to entry for knuckle-dragging troglodytes to express their worthless opinions about the merit of b-movies, so too has the rise of the found footage fad allowed technically unskilled and narratively challenged knuckle-dragging troglodytes to make horror movies on the cheap. To be fair, not all found footage movies are nauseatingly shot, woodenly acted, and plotless, “Blair Witch Project” and “REC” being notably respectable.  Or take “Lake Mungo” — a relatively obscure Austrialian horror film from 2008 that I absolutely need to share with you.

Lake Mungo is not strictly a found footage movie. It is a fake documentary, with the obligatory interviews and reenactments, while substantially incorporating found footage. 16-year old Alice drowns while swimming. As her family mourns her, they begin to experience strange phenomena. Haunting images appear in photographs. They contact a psychic. Eventually they discover that Alice kept horrible secrets.

Lake Mungo is definitely scary (more in a slow-burn atmospheric way– and OMG THAT ENDING!!!), but it is also sad. It is a meditation on loss and the unknown. Can we ever really know those closest to us? Why is Australia so creepy?

The Lessons from “Lake Mungo”:

-Your teenager is probably up to something messed up right now.
-Seriously, you should be talking to your teenager right now, before she dies.
-Don’t go to Lake Mungo at night.
-Some found footage movies aren’t stupid, they can be legit means for independent filmmakers to do something awesome.

roadside attractions

  • Terrifying end credits
  • Middle aged Psychics
  • Australian Accents
  • Sadly, no Killer Kangaroos
  • Dead Teenagers
  • Ghostly Rooms
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

There are some disturbing shots of corpses, but this is mostly an atmospheric sort of movie.

3

blood

BREASTS

Blurry, nothing to get excited about. Disturbing.

2

beast

BEASTS

The beast is loss and sadness. Bummer.

7 OVERALL
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Check out this trailer from “Lake Mungo”

trailers

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Dec

posted by admin | December 19, 2012 | 70's b-movies, 70's movies, Cult movies, Horror movies, Review by Tiger Sixon

Comments Off on The Dunwich Horror

dunwich horror
There is a right way and a wrong way to woo a lady. 1970’s The Dunwich Horror is mostly ’bout the latter.

And that’s Horror with no W, kids. The Dunwich Horror with a W is a whole other kinda movie, and I don’t need to embarrass Aunt Sally by talkin’ ’bout it here.

But enough about found family memories–back to the flick. The Dunwich Horror takes its name from the H. P. Lovecraft short story of the same name, which means this flick is gonna be like my last visit to the voting booth: spooky an’ weird. That’s right: Old Ones, cosmic horrors, human sacrifices, and an appearance by everyone’s favorite book, the Necronomicon (sound familiar, Evil Dead fans?).

A young Dean “Quantum Leap/BSG” Stockwell stars as Wilbur Whateley, a smooth talking fellow who is quick with the glad eye when it comes to Nancy, played by Sandra “Gidget” Dee. (A bit o’ trivia: Stockwell would play a supporting role in the 2009 made for TV version of Dunwich Horror). Wilbur wants the Necronomicon, and it ain’t because it makes a great coffee table book.

dunwich horror

Yep, Wilbur is fixin’ to summon some kinda bein’ from another place, and I don’t mean relatives from Cheboygan: something far, far worse. And he will do anything to get the book, even if it means breaking into a library with all the lights on in the middle of the night and having an awkward fight with a security guard.

Wilbur needs Nancy for his devious plans—she’s kinda like the quarter for his phone call to the Other Side. Wilbur proceeds to hypnotize, drug, and manipulate Nancy. Not the best start to any relationship, especially when Wilbur breaks her car on purpose, so she can’t leave his super-creepy house.

Boyfriend of the Year, Wilbur ain’t. Next time, just try flowers, or even a drawing of flowers might work.

Fans of Rocky and The Godfather, take note: Talia Shire (as Talia Coppola) has a role as a nurse.

Since this was made in 1970, there are a few straight-up ‘freak out’ scenes when Nancy is under the influence of Wilbur’s mind altering drugs. These scenes include, but ain’t limited to: orgies, ancient people in loin clothes, body paint, sacrificial altars, beds in fields, stomach tattoos, and crazy super-imposed shots of faces and colors, and what-have-ya.

dunwich horror

Then there is the Dunwich Horror itself, no, not Wilbur’s hairdo: the thing kept in a locked room, at the top of the stairs, which someone lets out.

B-movie Survival Tip: Never open a locked, shaking door at the top of a staircase.

Once the creature is released, all Hell breaks loose. There are some pretty good ‘less is more’ scenes with the beast, and it is one of the stranger Hollywood creatures caught on film.

While downright bizarre in a few parts, The Dunwich Horror is worth a watch for any H. P. Lovecraft fan. Sure, it is obvious this flick was made on the cheap (it is a Roger Corman and Samuel Z. Arkoff joint), but that is part off its charm. The plot does keep you guessin’ and there are a few ‘WTF’ moments, which makes any b-movie worthwhile. Plus, the animated title sequence is all kinds of interesting.

And if that ain’t enough to convince ya: The Dunwich Horror was co-written by future L. A. Confidential/Losin’ It/8 Mile director, Curtis Hanson.

Tiger says, give this one a watch.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws comics and writes humor for Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Old Ones
  • Old Men
  • Old Women
  • Belly Tattoos
  • Strange Rocks
  • Beds in Fields
  • Groping
  • Cosmic Horrors
  • Human Sacrifices
  • Creepy Houses
  • Awkward Fights
  • The Necronomicon
  • Mind Control
  • Creatures Behind Locked Doors
  • Strange Dreams
totals

4

blood

BLOOD

There isn’t a whole lotta blood, but there is still some crazy stuff here.

2

blood

BREASTS

You see some during Nancy’s crazy dreams. I think. There’s all kinds of weird stuff.

7

beast

BEASTS

Wilbur is down right creepy on his own, and then there is the titular Horror itself.

4.3 OVERALL
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