Archive for the 'Horror movies' Category

Jun

Comments Off on The Prince of Darkness

prince of darkness

I have to come right out and say it: Whoever doesn’t love John Carpenter can go to hell. Hell. Hmm… interesting, because Prince of Darkness has lots to do with hell, which is obvious in the title. Now that I think about it, how does one become the Prince of Darkness? Is there a ceremony? If Satan is the Prince of Darkness, then who is the King of Darkness? Jerry Lewis? Val Kilmer? I didn’t realize Hell was a Monarchy. And if that’s the case, does that mean all the countries like Canada, England and Australia are going to Hell, while the good ol’ USA goes to Heaven? Yeah! Score one for ‘Merica!

With my trusty, ice cold, watery beer(s) at my side, I fight for Good and attempt to put Prince of Darkness in its place… my DVD player.

Prince of DarknessSo, right away we see some old Priest doing what old people do, die, as he lets go of a box. But what’s in it? This is when we meet our cast of characters who are suppose to be students at a college, but they look more like the parents of the students. Just how old are these supposed ‘kids’? But, the main character, Brian (Jameson Parker), really bothers me. It’s not his acting or anything. It’s that his mustache is uneven. Seriously, just look at it! Every time he is on screen, I just stare at it and stop paying attention to what is going on. I got off topic there for a second. I would blame the booze, but… look at the thing when you watch this. Anyway, they are taught by Professor Howard Birack played by Victor Wong, and I think he teaches some sort of Physics class when they are approached by a John Carpenter regular Donald Pleasance playing  a Priest trying to protect the world from evil… a role I’m sure we’re all familiar seeing Donald Pleasance in. The Priest, Father Loomis (I guess he gave up being a doctor and became a father) is seeking their help to investigate this room and a mysterious cylinder in the basement of the derelict Los Angeles church. The cylinder looks a lot like this thing I bought from Spencer’s Gifts, but it’s no toy. It is, as they later find out after a theology student, Lisa, translates some text from the old book, the Devil. Yes, the Devil is a weird swirling green, gooey thing. Who knew? I always thought he was like some dude with long hair and a coat or a beast of some kind, but nope. Turns out, he’s a nothing more than a party favor a stoner buys to stare at for hours.

Prince of DarknessIn a well paced manner, bizarre things begin to happen and people start to die. This is when the movie starts to get creepy. One character gets impaled with a unicycle by a homeless Alice Cooper (imagine having that engraved on your tombstone) and another is stabbed to death with scissors by a homeless Adrianne Barbeau. Not to mention, this student also comes back from the dead to deliver a message in the most nightmarish vision: His voice is distorted as he tells them to “Pray for Death,” then falls to pieces as little black bugs scatter everywhere! Not only that, Satan in his liquid form, sprays a few of the students in the mouth (mostly by one of the students regurgitating the liquid in to each other’s mouths) to possess them. When they are possessed, they literally stand around and just stare blankly. It freaks me out, their expressionless faces. Another one of the students, Kelly, forms a bruise which is actually a marking. She eventually becomes host to Satan, and as the group discovers, whose goal is to bring forth an ‘Anti-God’…something more powerful than Satan! My guess is that it would be Charlie Sheen.

By now you’re probably wondering why they don’t leave the church. It’s because Satan has himself an Army of crazy homeless people on guard twenty four hours surrounding the place! It seems like Satan has himself a better army than Canada.

While all this is going on, the remaining survivors are having weird dreams that are just down right unnerving. They play like old school VHS tapes as a distorted voice warns them of the impending doom, hoping that they will be able to alter the events and prevent the Apocalypse. But do these kids (again they seem so young and not at all like they are 30 year olds), their professor and Donald Pleasance have what it takes to stop the Devil from bringing the Anti-God into our world and prevent the end of everything as we know it? Well, since it’s a John Carpenter movie and it’s the second movie in his “Apocalypse Trilogy”…

It disappointed me to find out that when this movie first came out in theaters, it bombed. Critics and fans disliked it, but luckily in the past decade, it has a newfound appreciation and some even say it’s almost as suspenseful as The Thing, which I believe it is. The pacing in this movie is very well done and it never feels like there is a dull moment. The atmosphere and the possessed characters are truly unnerving and frightening and you get a sense of isolation (again, much like The Thing) since they are trapped inside a church. Even the concept of Satan in liquid form is pretty cool. May not be the best interpretation of him, but it’s pretty creative. Prince of Darkness is a good example of why I love John Carpenter’s work. He gets horror. The only thing I would have changed is that friggin’ mustache on Jameson Parker’s face.

roadside attractions

  • Uneven ‘stache
  • 40 Year Old Students
  • Liquid Satan
  • Alice Cooper
  • Gaysian
  • Pizza Face
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Good ol’ fashioned sprays and splats!

3

blood

BREASTS

Butterface cleavage

9

beast

BEASTS

Hobo’s, Minions and Satan himself.

8.6 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer from “The Prince of Darkness”

trailers

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Jun

Comments Off on Father’s Day: Rest Stop Review Edition

Tagline: Sons, lock up your fathers… vengeance arrives on… Father’s Day!

Year: 2011 Runtime: 99 min

Director: Astron-6

Writer: Astron-6

Starring: Matthew Kennedy, Adam Brooks, Conor Sweeney, Amy Groening, Jeremy Gillespie and Steven Kostanski

Father’s day is officially over but that doesn’t mean it’s time to forget your old pop. Thanks to Astron-6’s touching memorial to fathers everywhere, you can appreciate the old man everyday for the rest of forever.

The best description of the absolute coolness that is Father’s Day is: Disturbing horror comedy with more bloody ding dongs than the Hostess factory.

Speaking of bloody ding dongs, this is a Troma film. We all know that Troma movies engage in a certain amount of fart jokes, naked women and morally disturbing images. Astron-6 manages to not only deliver on all of the above, but also manage to make a, I’m almost afraid to say it, throughly entertaining cross-over hit. All the rape and penis mutilation muddies the water a bit, but I really think this can be a solid movie.

Father’s Day is presented as a cheesy Late, Late Movie being aired on The Aston-6—a local access channel. Visually, though, it is a bad-ass Quentin Rodriguez style film: car chases, strippers, hand-held camera work, shotgun blasts to the face, gritty film, the works.

Whereas most of the time the film goes over the top, it also can be very subtle. There’s a scene at Chelsea’s (Amy Groening) kitchen table after Twink’s (Conor Sweeney) friend Walnut (Garrett Hnatiuk) was murdered. Chelsea, Twink and Ahab (Adam Brooks) are making plans to take down the Fuchman (Mackenzie Murdock). There’s blood all over the table, and as they talk you can just hear their arms scraping as they pull away from the sticky mess. Pure class!

I refuse to ruin the movie by giving away too much, but I have to point one small detail out that I only got after multiple viewings. Ahab’s jacket is a character in the film, and at one point is given a voice, Goliath, from the Sunday morning show Davey and Goliath. The real treat is where it is that the jacket gets that particular voice.

This film as been making the rounds and if it comes to your town, it is a must-see at your local cineplex. If you missed it, the four disc, limited edition DVD is scheduled for release June 26, 2012. Do yourself a favor and get on it!

Roadside attractions:

  • extreme overkill: shot with pistol, shotgun up the butt, beaten with brick, head stomped flat, thrown off dam
  • extreme nudity: male and female
  • commercial interruption for Star Raiders, the Late, Late, Late movie
  • maple syrup
  • tasty berries
  • toxic berries
  • fathers

For more on Astron-6, check out our interview with them.

trailers

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May

Comments Off on Intruder

‘Clean up in aisle DEAD!’ Or maybe, ‘Price check for some DEATH!’ Or how about, ‘Attention shoppers… your local grocery store will be MURDERING you in fifteen minutes. So please bring your final purchases to the front lanes…’ Yeah anyway, let’s talk about Intruder!

So what do you get when you take a good chunk of the cast and crew of Evil Dead 2 and put them in a grocery store? You know where I’m going with this. Originally a short film entitled ‘Night Shift’, Intruder centers on a crew of grocery store employees closing the store as they are picked off one by one by a… well, an Intruder. There is more to it than that though.

We get introduced to the silly cast of characters, when Jennifer’s (Elizabeth Cox… and yes, she was Kathy in Night of the Creeps) deranged ex-boyfriend Craig (David Byrnes), who not only is rocking the world’s toughest mullet with a leather jacket, but also tries to threaten Jennifer into a date. Kinda surprised it didn’t work. Thought women liked men who are straight forward. Snapping into action, Linda, the more talented, yet greatly underappreciated Estevez sister, Renee, flips the poop switch and along side of the whole store beat Craig’s arse until he leaves. Man and you thought rent-a-cops were bad!

Now that this problem is out of the way, the crew is informed by store manager Danny (Eugene Glazer) and co-manager Bill (Danny Hicks! You know, the redneck guy that screams, “BOBBI-JOOOOO!” in Evil Dead 2!) informs them the store is closing forever. Not surprising, with the state of the economy and all.

Like any good stalker, Craig continues to call the store and harass Jennifer, so they call the police. In typical slasher form, they are totally useless… so, oh well. Linda finishes up her work and is immediately murdered. Some copies of the box art advertise it like Renee Estevez is the heroine of the film, so I can see how what I just wrote may be confusing to some people who have never seen the film, but have passed by the video in a store and only picked up the box and said, “Hmm… this could be good, but let’s get Grumpier Old Men instead.”

The crew decides to multi-task and search for Craig while working. Bill investigates outside, but is knocked out by Craig, so surely he is the killer…right? And this is the point where everyone is picked off one by one in some of the most grotesque and brutal manners. Hopefully you see the Director’s Cut (which is pretty much every DVD and the Blu-Ray copies) and not any other edition, because the death scenes are heavily cut. Intruder boasts some really amazing special effects by KNB. The Blu-Ray even includes extended death scenes (work print quality) as a bonus feature! People get their head’s sawn in half, hung up by meat hooks, eyes gouged out and a head even gets crushed by a trash compactor!

Also, this is Scott Speigel’s directorial debut and I have to say… he chooses some very interesting cinematography. A lot of random items get their own POV shots, like a door knob, a bottle of liquor… these are all very stylish and cool looking.

Now I can’t really go too much more into the film without spoiling the ending, although some older box art does spoil who the killer is. Instead, I’ll conclude by saying Intruder is a bloody good time. Everyone does a top notch job and even some of the over the top moments are fun to watch. You can tell everyone was having a good time making this film and it really shows. Danny Hicks has some of the best line deliveries and tells an amusing story about being a fireman. Ted Raimi is funny to watch as always and it’s interesting to see Sam Raimi in front of the camera acting. It’s also interesting to note that Bruce Campbell got top billing (courtesy of Paramount’s ‘great’ marketing), although he is only in the film for a mere moment. Add that to all of the great gore effects with some pretty creepy atmosphere and you have a recipe for a good ol’ fashioned slasher. If you don’t have Intruder or have never seen it, then you are dead to me. We can no longer see each other, but we can still be friends. I want to see other people and I am breaking up with you… until you see Intruder.

roadside attractions

  • A non-crazy Sheen/Estevez
  • Dude with a ‘tude mullet?
  • Broom POV
  • Compacted cranium
  • Slice ‘n dice head cheese
  • Slab o’ meat?-Half off sale
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

Splish, splash, splat!

0

blood

BREASTS

Get your fill elsewhere, sickos!

7

beast

BEASTS

Just one little blood thirsty ankle bitter but he does plenty of damage. Somebody should get this kid a pacifier.

8.2 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “The Intruder”

trailers

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Apr

Comments Off on It’s Alive

It's Alive

“Parenthood”, a word that conjurs up all sorts of images in the pre-breeder’s imagination. A mom carrying some frozen pizza rolls with a screaming kid clinging to her sweatpants, or it’s the dad with the t-shirt that says “This is the roof to my tool shed” as he’s tossing kids into the back of a truck telling them to “go limp” if they hit anything. For some it’s fond memories, for others nightmare fuel and while the thought of a mini drooling poop maker of your very own is a bit scary, it can’t be half as bad as what the Davies family have to deal with in the 1974 cult classic “Its Alive.”

It’s been 12 years since their first child was born and the Davies finally get the chance to pump out another one, but this time it’s killing surgeons and wiping out the nursing staff. Yeah, this kid is either going to grow up to be a mass murder or a medical malpractice lawyer. No real reason is given to why the baby is a deformed killer but there’s talk of pollution, prescription drugs, and that binding crotch area of 70’s leisure suits.

John P. Ryan plays Frank the proud daddy. His happy days of fatherhood are soon snuffed out when he realizes his new born son is a cannibalistic mutant and will probably be talked about around camp fires for years to come. His wife played by Sharon Farrell goes completely bonkers after giving birth to the hell spawn but still wants to protect her mother lovin’ mutant. Maybe she could feed him some raccoons while it watches Barney reruns in the basement.

Frank’s life soon begins to unravel as his boss fires him from their PR firm so they can still maintain a “fresh wholesome image.” Nevermind all those swingers parties and cocaine hookers. His wife is pretty much off her rocker by now and Frank has to send their other non-mutant but still dimwitted son Chris over to their friend Charley. He’s hoping this whole killer baby thing is going to blow over so he tells his buddy to keep it on the down low about the little mutant brother. Chris would be so jealous. Frank has no intention of playing daddy and tracks the todler down at a school for some show and hell right after it tears through a lactose intolerant milkman and a cage dancing go-go girl. The baby escapes and the press continue to hound the family while some mad scientists are hoping to try to study it (or to create a master race of mutant killer babies, because that’s what scientists do.)

Chris ditches Charley’s house and runs back home finding his new brother locked away in their basement vowing to protect him and play endless games of “Chutes and Ladders.” That’s just before Charley bust in and gets his neck chewed into a pound of ground chuck. The infant flees into the sewers and Frank chases after him with a shotgun. He finds the baby hiding in a tunnel but totally wusses out when it puts on the sad puppy dog face and has to wrap the infant up in a blanket to sneak it home. Unfortunately the cops are waiting just outside so he hot potatoes the kid to a nearby scientist which it attacks and they’re both shot and killed by trigger happy cops. We’re left with the police informing Frank and his wife that another mutant was just discovered in Seattle thus finally revealing how grunge music was born.

Barry Goodall says go check out “It’s Alive.” It’s the sort of movie they should show in all those reproductive health classes to scare kids into abstinence. “And remember folks, don’t forget your baby’s feeding time or you could lose a finger.”

roadside attractions

  • Multiple throat rippings
  • No crying over spilt milk
  • Non-swinging dead cat
  • Sewer baby attack
  • Surgery room massacre
  • Monster baby cam
  • Go-go dancer ankle assault
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Multiple throat rippings and an entire hospital team gets massacred. There’s more milk in this film than blood though.

0

blood

BREASTS

None…zippo, natta tatta. Not even a mutant breast feeding.

7

beast

BEASTS

Just one little blood thirsty ankle bitter but he does plenty of damage. Somebody should get this kid a pacifier.

8.6 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “It’s Alive!”

trailers

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Apr

Comments Off on The Gestapo’s Last Orgy: A Review by Giallo Goon.


A victim of his own personal torment, The Giallo Goon (also called Goon) forces himself to watch some of worst and sleaziest films known to mankind, like some sort of sick, demented science experiment. He’ll upload videos of him warning others about these films, mocking them in a sarcastic and satirical manner in some weird attempt to save his own sanity, although it’s very possible that has been gone for some time.




With a title like ‘The Gestapo’s Last Orgy’, you’re probly thinking ‘Family Fun Entertainment’, right? Well, I guess that would depend on your family. If you’re family is a bunch of drooling, stark raving mad lunatics,then yes. Yes it is a family fun film. Also, it boasts as being ‘The sickest entry in the Nazisploitation genre!’ Let that set the bar of expectations for the film.

The movie opens up as our main characters, Nazi (or ex-Nazi since this movie is told in flashback form) Conrad von Starke and former Jew Prisoner Lisa (that kinda looks offensive written out) as they share a tender moment and this is their wholesome, beautiful story of how they fell in love… ahem. As they charmingly frolic through the old campsite (that also seems offensive written out) and reminisce. And they certainly don’t hold back on the ‘last orgy’ thing as the following scene is a bunch of naked Nazi soldiers are ordered to rape a group of Jewish prisoners, but not to give them pleasure. But, by now you’re probably thinking to yourself, ‘Hey, how come the Nazi’s aren’t speaking German or have German accents?’ And you would be foolish to think that. This scene also features a slide show of a woman eating and smearing herself in a man’s feces, but that’s the lighter side to this scene. We should probably just move on.

The following wholesome scenes include an inmate who is disfigured by other inmates with forks (Oh yeah… apparently this is also a ‘women in prison’ type of movie), another who is fed to dogs because she is having her menstrual cycle and plenty of more guards having sex with inmates. Hey wait, where are you going?

But this is also where we see Starke become interested in Lisa because of her unbreakable spirit. Nothing he does to her, or the other prisoners, seems to bother her. She just stands motionless with a stone cold gaze. Maybe she is in shock that she said ‘yes’ to this film. Not even a dinner scene where the German Officers main course is the prisoners (Cannibalism too? Man, this movie has everything!), but they even set fire to a prisoner and have an orgy? I did warn you, it’s even in the title. Lisa’s torture and humiliation continues and she attempts suicide, but is saved by a doctor and we learn why Lisa is there, what she did and about her family. It’s actually a pretty compelling moment in the midst of all the horrible images and scenes going on.

Starke finally admits he has fallen in love with Lisa and she has fallen for him. She wears a belt made of scalps from former inmates as a sign of affection. Much cheaper than a ring! She gives birth to a baby only to have it taken away and killed (because why not? Just in case something in this film hasn’t offended you) since a ‘half breed’ would have no place in the new world according to Starke. This brings the movies conclusion as we see Starke attempting to make love to Lisa, but she removes a revolver from her purse… GASP! What happens next.

I would say we could make a drinking game out of this. Like, every time you are offended by something, but then the bottle would never leave your lips and you would drown yourself. And for the record, regardless of this story being about how a couple met, this isn’t a good date movie. I should know, but hey! How was I supposed to know this sort of thing repulses 99% of the population? Maybe if it starred Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston… Either way, this film does contain enough offensive material to make even a sex offender blush, but underneath is brutal revenge flick blending together several genres. So if you can stomach it, check it out.

roadside attractions

  • Germans with English accents
  • Cannibal Cookout
  • Dog Meat
  • Wieners and Buns!
  • Women in Prison massacre
  • Goose Steppin’ Nazi-o-Rama
  • Femme Fatale Revenge
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

You get some blood. You get some guts (quite literally).

9

blood

BREASTS

Nearly a moment doesn’t go by, but probly not in the way you want to see them.

8

beast

BEASTS

Chock full ‘o Nazis!

6.00 OVERALL
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Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>