Archive for the 'Horror movies' Category

Jun

Comments Off on Father’s Day: Rest Stop Review Edition

Tagline: Sons, lock up your fathers… vengeance arrives on… Father’s Day!

Year: 2011 Runtime: 99 min

Director: Astron-6

Writer: Astron-6

Starring: Matthew Kennedy, Adam Brooks, Conor Sweeney, Amy Groening, Jeremy Gillespie and Steven Kostanski

Father’s day is officially over but that doesn’t mean it’s time to forget your old pop. Thanks to Astron-6’s touching memorial to fathers everywhere, you can appreciate the old man everyday for the rest of forever.

The best description of the absolute coolness that is Father’s Day is: Disturbing horror comedy with more bloody ding dongs than the Hostess factory.

Speaking of bloody ding dongs, this is a Troma film. We all know that Troma movies engage in a certain amount of fart jokes, naked women and morally disturbing images. Astron-6 manages to not only deliver on all of the above, but also manage to make a, I’m almost afraid to say it, throughly entertaining cross-over hit. All the rape and penis mutilation muddies the water a bit, but I really think this can be a solid movie.

Father’s Day is presented as a cheesy Late, Late Movie being aired on The Aston-6—a local access channel. Visually, though, it is a bad-ass Quentin Rodriguez style film: car chases, strippers, hand-held camera work, shotgun blasts to the face, gritty film, the works.

Whereas most of the time the film goes over the top, it also can be very subtle. There’s a scene at Chelsea’s (Amy Groening) kitchen table after Twink’s (Conor Sweeney) friend Walnut (Garrett Hnatiuk) was murdered. Chelsea, Twink and Ahab (Adam Brooks) are making plans to take down the Fuchman (Mackenzie Murdock). There’s blood all over the table, and as they talk you can just hear their arms scraping as they pull away from the sticky mess. Pure class!

I refuse to ruin the movie by giving away too much, but I have to point one small detail out that I only got after multiple viewings. Ahab’s jacket is a character in the film, and at one point is given a voice, Goliath, from the Sunday morning show Davey and Goliath. The real treat is where it is that the jacket gets that particular voice.

This film as been making the rounds and if it comes to your town, it is a must-see at your local cineplex. If you missed it, the four disc, limited edition DVD is scheduled for release June 26, 2012. Do yourself a favor and get on it!

Roadside attractions:

  • extreme overkill: shot with pistol, shotgun up the butt, beaten with brick, head stomped flat, thrown off dam
  • extreme nudity: male and female
  • commercial interruption for Star Raiders, the Late, Late, Late movie
  • maple syrup
  • tasty berries
  • toxic berries
  • fathers

For more on Astron-6, check out our interview with them.

trailers

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May

Comments Off on Intruder

‘Clean up in aisle DEAD!’ Or maybe, ‘Price check for some DEATH!’ Or how about, ‘Attention shoppers… your local grocery store will be MURDERING you in fifteen minutes. So please bring your final purchases to the front lanes…’ Yeah anyway, let’s talk about Intruder!

So what do you get when you take a good chunk of the cast and crew of Evil Dead 2 and put them in a grocery store? You know where I’m going with this. Originally a short film entitled ‘Night Shift’, Intruder centers on a crew of grocery store employees closing the store as they are picked off one by one by a… well, an Intruder. There is more to it than that though.

We get introduced to the silly cast of characters, when Jennifer’s (Elizabeth Cox… and yes, she was Kathy in Night of the Creeps) deranged ex-boyfriend Craig (David Byrnes), who not only is rocking the world’s toughest mullet with a leather jacket, but also tries to threaten Jennifer into a date. Kinda surprised it didn’t work. Thought women liked men who are straight forward. Snapping into action, Linda, the more talented, yet greatly underappreciated Estevez sister, Renee, flips the poop switch and along side of the whole store beat Craig’s arse until he leaves. Man and you thought rent-a-cops were bad!

Now that this problem is out of the way, the crew is informed by store manager Danny (Eugene Glazer) and co-manager Bill (Danny Hicks! You know, the redneck guy that screams, “BOBBI-JOOOOO!” in Evil Dead 2!) informs them the store is closing forever. Not surprising, with the state of the economy and all.

Like any good stalker, Craig continues to call the store and harass Jennifer, so they call the police. In typical slasher form, they are totally useless… so, oh well. Linda finishes up her work and is immediately murdered. Some copies of the box art advertise it like Renee Estevez is the heroine of the film, so I can see how what I just wrote may be confusing to some people who have never seen the film, but have passed by the video in a store and only picked up the box and said, “Hmm… this could be good, but let’s get Grumpier Old Men instead.”

The crew decides to multi-task and search for Craig while working. Bill investigates outside, but is knocked out by Craig, so surely he is the killer…right? And this is the point where everyone is picked off one by one in some of the most grotesque and brutal manners. Hopefully you see the Director’s Cut (which is pretty much every DVD and the Blu-Ray copies) and not any other edition, because the death scenes are heavily cut. Intruder boasts some really amazing special effects by KNB. The Blu-Ray even includes extended death scenes (work print quality) as a bonus feature! People get their head’s sawn in half, hung up by meat hooks, eyes gouged out and a head even gets crushed by a trash compactor!

Also, this is Scott Speigel’s directorial debut and I have to say… he chooses some very interesting cinematography. A lot of random items get their own POV shots, like a door knob, a bottle of liquor… these are all very stylish and cool looking.

Now I can’t really go too much more into the film without spoiling the ending, although some older box art does spoil who the killer is. Instead, I’ll conclude by saying Intruder is a bloody good time. Everyone does a top notch job and even some of the over the top moments are fun to watch. You can tell everyone was having a good time making this film and it really shows. Danny Hicks has some of the best line deliveries and tells an amusing story about being a fireman. Ted Raimi is funny to watch as always and it’s interesting to see Sam Raimi in front of the camera acting. It’s also interesting to note that Bruce Campbell got top billing (courtesy of Paramount’s ‘great’ marketing), although he is only in the film for a mere moment. Add that to all of the great gore effects with some pretty creepy atmosphere and you have a recipe for a good ol’ fashioned slasher. If you don’t have Intruder or have never seen it, then you are dead to me. We can no longer see each other, but we can still be friends. I want to see other people and I am breaking up with you… until you see Intruder.

roadside attractions

  • A non-crazy Sheen/Estevez
  • Dude with a ‘tude mullet?
  • Broom POV
  • Compacted cranium
  • Slice ‘n dice head cheese
  • Slab o’ meat?-Half off sale
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

Splish, splash, splat!

0

blood

BREASTS

Get your fill elsewhere, sickos!

7

beast

BEASTS

Just one little blood thirsty ankle bitter but he does plenty of damage. Somebody should get this kid a pacifier.

8.2 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “The Intruder”

trailers

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Apr

Comments Off on It’s Alive

It's Alive

“Parenthood”, a word that conjurs up all sorts of images in the pre-breeder’s imagination. A mom carrying some frozen pizza rolls with a screaming kid clinging to her sweatpants, or it’s the dad with the t-shirt that says “This is the roof to my tool shed” as he’s tossing kids into the back of a truck telling them to “go limp” if they hit anything. For some it’s fond memories, for others nightmare fuel and while the thought of a mini drooling poop maker of your very own is a bit scary, it can’t be half as bad as what the Davies family have to deal with in the 1974 cult classic “Its Alive.”

It’s been 12 years since their first child was born and the Davies finally get the chance to pump out another one, but this time it’s killing surgeons and wiping out the nursing staff. Yeah, this kid is either going to grow up to be a mass murder or a medical malpractice lawyer. No real reason is given to why the baby is a deformed killer but there’s talk of pollution, prescription drugs, and that binding crotch area of 70’s leisure suits.

John P. Ryan plays Frank the proud daddy. His happy days of fatherhood are soon snuffed out when he realizes his new born son is a cannibalistic mutant and will probably be talked about around camp fires for years to come. His wife played by Sharon Farrell goes completely bonkers after giving birth to the hell spawn but still wants to protect her mother lovin’ mutant. Maybe she could feed him some raccoons while it watches Barney reruns in the basement.

Frank’s life soon begins to unravel as his boss fires him from their PR firm so they can still maintain a “fresh wholesome image.” Nevermind all those swingers parties and cocaine hookers. His wife is pretty much off her rocker by now and Frank has to send their other non-mutant but still dimwitted son Chris over to their friend Charley. He’s hoping this whole killer baby thing is going to blow over so he tells his buddy to keep it on the down low about the little mutant brother. Chris would be so jealous. Frank has no intention of playing daddy and tracks the todler down at a school for some show and hell right after it tears through a lactose intolerant milkman and a cage dancing go-go girl. The baby escapes and the press continue to hound the family while some mad scientists are hoping to try to study it (or to create a master race of mutant killer babies, because that’s what scientists do.)

Chris ditches Charley’s house and runs back home finding his new brother locked away in their basement vowing to protect him and play endless games of “Chutes and Ladders.” That’s just before Charley bust in and gets his neck chewed into a pound of ground chuck. The infant flees into the sewers and Frank chases after him with a shotgun. He finds the baby hiding in a tunnel but totally wusses out when it puts on the sad puppy dog face and has to wrap the infant up in a blanket to sneak it home. Unfortunately the cops are waiting just outside so he hot potatoes the kid to a nearby scientist which it attacks and they’re both shot and killed by trigger happy cops. We’re left with the police informing Frank and his wife that another mutant was just discovered in Seattle thus finally revealing how grunge music was born.

Barry Goodall says go check out “It’s Alive.” It’s the sort of movie they should show in all those reproductive health classes to scare kids into abstinence. “And remember folks, don’t forget your baby’s feeding time or you could lose a finger.”

roadside attractions

  • Multiple throat rippings
  • No crying over spilt milk
  • Non-swinging dead cat
  • Sewer baby attack
  • Surgery room massacre
  • Monster baby cam
  • Go-go dancer ankle assault
totals

8

blood

BLOOD

Multiple throat rippings and an entire hospital team gets massacred. There’s more milk in this film than blood though.

0

blood

BREASTS

None…zippo, natta tatta. Not even a mutant breast feeding.

7

beast

BEASTS

Just one little blood thirsty ankle bitter but he does plenty of damage. Somebody should get this kid a pacifier.

8.6 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “It’s Alive!”

trailers

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Apr

Comments Off on The Gestapo’s Last Orgy: A Review by Giallo Goon.


A victim of his own personal torment, The Giallo Goon (also called Goon) forces himself to watch some of worst and sleaziest films known to mankind, like some sort of sick, demented science experiment. He’ll upload videos of him warning others about these films, mocking them in a sarcastic and satirical manner in some weird attempt to save his own sanity, although it’s very possible that has been gone for some time.




With a title like ‘The Gestapo’s Last Orgy’, you’re probly thinking ‘Family Fun Entertainment’, right? Well, I guess that would depend on your family. If you’re family is a bunch of drooling, stark raving mad lunatics,then yes. Yes it is a family fun film. Also, it boasts as being ‘The sickest entry in the Nazisploitation genre!’ Let that set the bar of expectations for the film.

The movie opens up as our main characters, Nazi (or ex-Nazi since this movie is told in flashback form) Conrad von Starke and former Jew Prisoner Lisa (that kinda looks offensive written out) as they share a tender moment and this is their wholesome, beautiful story of how they fell in love… ahem. As they charmingly frolic through the old campsite (that also seems offensive written out) and reminisce. And they certainly don’t hold back on the ‘last orgy’ thing as the following scene is a bunch of naked Nazi soldiers are ordered to rape a group of Jewish prisoners, but not to give them pleasure. But, by now you’re probably thinking to yourself, ‘Hey, how come the Nazi’s aren’t speaking German or have German accents?’ And you would be foolish to think that. This scene also features a slide show of a woman eating and smearing herself in a man’s feces, but that’s the lighter side to this scene. We should probably just move on.

The following wholesome scenes include an inmate who is disfigured by other inmates with forks (Oh yeah… apparently this is also a ‘women in prison’ type of movie), another who is fed to dogs because she is having her menstrual cycle and plenty of more guards having sex with inmates. Hey wait, where are you going?

But this is also where we see Starke become interested in Lisa because of her unbreakable spirit. Nothing he does to her, or the other prisoners, seems to bother her. She just stands motionless with a stone cold gaze. Maybe she is in shock that she said ‘yes’ to this film. Not even a dinner scene where the German Officers main course is the prisoners (Cannibalism too? Man, this movie has everything!), but they even set fire to a prisoner and have an orgy? I did warn you, it’s even in the title. Lisa’s torture and humiliation continues and she attempts suicide, but is saved by a doctor and we learn why Lisa is there, what she did and about her family. It’s actually a pretty compelling moment in the midst of all the horrible images and scenes going on.

Starke finally admits he has fallen in love with Lisa and she has fallen for him. She wears a belt made of scalps from former inmates as a sign of affection. Much cheaper than a ring! She gives birth to a baby only to have it taken away and killed (because why not? Just in case something in this film hasn’t offended you) since a ‘half breed’ would have no place in the new world according to Starke. This brings the movies conclusion as we see Starke attempting to make love to Lisa, but she removes a revolver from her purse… GASP! What happens next.

I would say we could make a drinking game out of this. Like, every time you are offended by something, but then the bottle would never leave your lips and you would drown yourself. And for the record, regardless of this story being about how a couple met, this isn’t a good date movie. I should know, but hey! How was I supposed to know this sort of thing repulses 99% of the population? Maybe if it starred Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston… Either way, this film does contain enough offensive material to make even a sex offender blush, but underneath is brutal revenge flick blending together several genres. So if you can stomach it, check it out.

roadside attractions

  • Germans with English accents
  • Cannibal Cookout
  • Dog Meat
  • Wieners and Buns!
  • Women in Prison massacre
  • Goose Steppin’ Nazi-o-Rama
  • Femme Fatale Revenge
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

You get some blood. You get some guts (quite literally).

9

blood

BREASTS

Nearly a moment doesn’t go by, but probly not in the way you want to see them.

8

beast

BEASTS

Chock full ‘o Nazis!

6.00 OVERALL
dripper


Apr

posted by Die-Anne Takillya | April 1, 2012 | Horror movies, modern horror, Review by Die-Anne Takillya

Comments Off on Love Object: the first review from Die-Anne Takillya

Shew! Things have been just crazy here! We’ve been doing some cleaning out and remodeling after the last visit from the health inspector. He doesn’t tend to score well when there’s human remains on the premises, so we had to take care of them… and him. But, we gave ourselves a modest score of 92 after we got all the blood off’n his clipboard, and had to make it through a bit of questioning by the authorities, but not to worry, we’re just fine and dandy. I had a couple of days off right before we reopened, and seeing as how things are a tad bit lonely in these parts, I decided to try out something a little romantical.  Which has brought me to Love Object.

Love Object is the tale of socially inept technical manual writer, Kenneth. He is hot to trot, but he doesn’t have the huevos to ask the cute new temp out. After a meeting with his mercurial supervisor, Mr. Novak, he’s given a difficult project with a ridiculous deadline and has to work in close quarters with the girl of his dreams, but instead of being normal and asking her out to coffee, he goes an alternate route.

One of his more helpful coworkers (that guy who keeps hardcore porn in the office- You all have one, I’m sure!) introduces him to ultra-realistic love dolls. This sends him into a tizzy, prompting him to visit his local purveyor of filth. The clerk at the porn store has some strange wine-colored rash and facial deformity, which startles our romeo, and keeps him from buying anything to add to his spank bank.

After considering the options of actually talking to the girl or spending $10,000 on a sex toy… you guessed it. He goes online and orders the custom-crafted Nikki doll, basing her physical features on his office temptress, Lisa.

He begins to recieve calls from his bank, asking about the charge, because it sent him into massive overdraft, but they’re giving him until the end of the month to pay the balance. Nikki is delivered by a man with one of those crazy rashes on his hand, and his creepy apartment manager starts poking his nose into his business, because large packages are everyone’s business, even the cop neighbor from downstairs.

I swear to my grandma, if my neighbors were this nosy, I’d either be acting as bizzare as possible on purpose, or I’d move out. These folks are listening through walls and trying to look into peep-holes and all that. That is not how adults interact with each other! If I caught someone looking into my peephole, they’d get a skillet upside the head! Err… well, maybe a stern talkin’ to. Yeah. That one.

He gets the box inside and unearths darling Nikki. He whips her out of the box and, well, you know. Yeah, you do. It’s not as sexy as it sounds, either. He tries to return her (EWW!), but then finds the instruction manual. Now, this thing is no manual, it’s a CD-Rom that just lights up all of tech-boy’s dials; complete with audio and pictures he can print out and tack up to his corkboard, if you know what I mean, and I KNOW you do!

He starts paying a lot of attention to Lisa the temp, and enacts all kinds of freaky scenarios, buying the silicone seductress clothes and lingerie, and even venturing back to the porn shop… where everyone has those weird rashes! Is the director trying to say something? If you’re kinky, you get a rash? Well, honey, if that’s the price for being kinky, then I should look like I’ve had full-body poison oak for 17 years.

The problem with him payin’ so much attention to Lisa is that Nikki is a jealous doll. Think Chatty Cathy, but with a realistic va-jay-jay, and a nastier temper. He wakes up to find she’s moved, changed wardrobe, even attacked his stalkery- um, no, not that, but his research- with a nice German kitchen knife.

He finally gets with the girl and is tired of all of Nikki’s bullcrap, hacks her into pieces, and throws her into the dumpster. Then he goes forth, forging a new romance with Lisa, dancing, making the sign of the three-throated cobra, even dressing her up like Nikki. Everything is roses, until…

She finds the advertisement for Nikki and freaks out (naturally!), dumps him, and he’s sent into the biggest tizzy of them all- tries to order a new doll and gets denied, he requests an advance on his bonus for writing the manual and gets fired, then he goes nuts and attacks Lisa.

He brings her back to his apartment and puts her in the specialized rig he made for Nikki. His apartment manager gets suspicious and comes into the apartment and sees her. Kenneth, (who is now sporting a crazy pervert rash of his own) kills him after Nikki the dismembered sex-doll calls him on the phone, and chops him up.

He has decided to plasicize Lisa, that way she can be his party-doll forever and ever. During a struggle, Lisa manages to send his plans to the office, hoping they’ll get it and send help.

Kenneth is officially off his nut now, and has Lisa tied down in the box that Nikki came in. He puts a needle in her femoral artery to drain her blood, and has a full embalming rig sitting there ready to go. She flips out (of course), and they have a decent little fight.

While this is happening, the apartment manager’s chopped-up bits have been found by the cops, and who else but his downstairs neighbor is in on the discovery! He tries to call Kenneth, but doesn’t get an answer. He decides to just drop in, and sees Lisa on top of Kenneth in dominatrix lingere, preparing to stab him with the very large, very sharp embalming needle! He wastes no time emptying his clip into Lisa. HOLY JEEZ!!

Kenneth gets his job back, plus he gets his bonus; Lisa is labeled as a psycho, and who gets a Nikki 2.0? You guessed it, ol’ rash-neck hisself.

I tell you what, this one is definitely an examination of relationships gone pear-shaped. I don’t much care for the director trying to be all high-and-mighty about what people should stick into themselves or vice-versa, but overall a very off-kilter flick. It really makes you feel off balance at times, especially when Lisa is revealed to not be the perfect doll Kenneth has made her out to be, and his hallucinations of Nikki attacking him are nuts. Check this one out!

roadside attractions

  • Ultra-Realistic Silicone Love Doll
  • Multiple aardvarking
  • needle-fu
  • tattoo-fu
  • shock at body piercing
  • limp noodle
  • pervert rash
  • mildy kinky behavior
  • psychological trauma
  • cubicle dwelling
  • office politics-fu
  • sexual deviancy
  • 1 real head rolls
  • 1 silicone head rolls
  • Rip Torn-fu
  • pink slip-fu
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

2 gallons of blood.

3

blood

BREASTS

Sorry fellas, I don’t count silicone ta-tas as the real kahunas

6

beast

BEASTS

Kenneth and Rip Torn, and anyone else with a pervert rash!

8.00 OVERALL
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