Archive for the 'Horror movies' Category

Apr

posted by Die-Anne Takillya | April 1, 2012 | Horror movies, modern horror, Review by Die-Anne Takillya

Comments Off on Love Object: the first review from Die-Anne Takillya

Shew! Things have been just crazy here! We’ve been doing some cleaning out and remodeling after the last visit from the health inspector. He doesn’t tend to score well when there’s human remains on the premises, so we had to take care of them… and him. But, we gave ourselves a modest score of 92 after we got all the blood off’n his clipboard, and had to make it through a bit of questioning by the authorities, but not to worry, we’re just fine and dandy. I had a couple of days off right before we reopened, and seeing as how things are a tad bit lonely in these parts, I decided to try out something a little romantical.  Which has brought me to Love Object.

Love Object is the tale of socially inept technical manual writer, Kenneth. He is hot to trot, but he doesn’t have the huevos to ask the cute new temp out. After a meeting with his mercurial supervisor, Mr. Novak, he’s given a difficult project with a ridiculous deadline and has to work in close quarters with the girl of his dreams, but instead of being normal and asking her out to coffee, he goes an alternate route.

One of his more helpful coworkers (that guy who keeps hardcore porn in the office- You all have one, I’m sure!) introduces him to ultra-realistic love dolls. This sends him into a tizzy, prompting him to visit his local purveyor of filth. The clerk at the porn store has some strange wine-colored rash and facial deformity, which startles our romeo, and keeps him from buying anything to add to his spank bank.

After considering the options of actually talking to the girl or spending $10,000 on a sex toy… you guessed it. He goes online and orders the custom-crafted Nikki doll, basing her physical features on his office temptress, Lisa.

He begins to recieve calls from his bank, asking about the charge, because it sent him into massive overdraft, but they’re giving him until the end of the month to pay the balance. Nikki is delivered by a man with one of those crazy rashes on his hand, and his creepy apartment manager starts poking his nose into his business, because large packages are everyone’s business, even the cop neighbor from downstairs.

I swear to my grandma, if my neighbors were this nosy, I’d either be acting as bizzare as possible on purpose, or I’d move out. These folks are listening through walls and trying to look into peep-holes and all that. That is not how adults interact with each other! If I caught someone looking into my peephole, they’d get a skillet upside the head! Err… well, maybe a stern talkin’ to. Yeah. That one.

He gets the box inside and unearths darling Nikki. He whips her out of the box and, well, you know. Yeah, you do. It’s not as sexy as it sounds, either. He tries to return her (EWW!), but then finds the instruction manual. Now, this thing is no manual, it’s a CD-Rom that just lights up all of tech-boy’s dials; complete with audio and pictures he can print out and tack up to his corkboard, if you know what I mean, and I KNOW you do!

He starts paying a lot of attention to Lisa the temp, and enacts all kinds of freaky scenarios, buying the silicone seductress clothes and lingerie, and even venturing back to the porn shop… where everyone has those weird rashes! Is the director trying to say something? If you’re kinky, you get a rash? Well, honey, if that’s the price for being kinky, then I should look like I’ve had full-body poison oak for 17 years.

The problem with him payin’ so much attention to Lisa is that Nikki is a jealous doll. Think Chatty Cathy, but with a realistic va-jay-jay, and a nastier temper. He wakes up to find she’s moved, changed wardrobe, even attacked his stalkery- um, no, not that, but his research- with a nice German kitchen knife.

He finally gets with the girl and is tired of all of Nikki’s bullcrap, hacks her into pieces, and throws her into the dumpster. Then he goes forth, forging a new romance with Lisa, dancing, making the sign of the three-throated cobra, even dressing her up like Nikki. Everything is roses, until…

She finds the advertisement for Nikki and freaks out (naturally!), dumps him, and he’s sent into the biggest tizzy of them all- tries to order a new doll and gets denied, he requests an advance on his bonus for writing the manual and gets fired, then he goes nuts and attacks Lisa.

He brings her back to his apartment and puts her in the specialized rig he made for Nikki. His apartment manager gets suspicious and comes into the apartment and sees her. Kenneth, (who is now sporting a crazy pervert rash of his own) kills him after Nikki the dismembered sex-doll calls him on the phone, and chops him up.

He has decided to plasicize Lisa, that way she can be his party-doll forever and ever. During a struggle, Lisa manages to send his plans to the office, hoping they’ll get it and send help.

Kenneth is officially off his nut now, and has Lisa tied down in the box that Nikki came in. He puts a needle in her femoral artery to drain her blood, and has a full embalming rig sitting there ready to go. She flips out (of course), and they have a decent little fight.

While this is happening, the apartment manager’s chopped-up bits have been found by the cops, and who else but his downstairs neighbor is in on the discovery! He tries to call Kenneth, but doesn’t get an answer. He decides to just drop in, and sees Lisa on top of Kenneth in dominatrix lingere, preparing to stab him with the very large, very sharp embalming needle! He wastes no time emptying his clip into Lisa. HOLY JEEZ!!

Kenneth gets his job back, plus he gets his bonus; Lisa is labeled as a psycho, and who gets a Nikki 2.0? You guessed it, ol’ rash-neck hisself.

I tell you what, this one is definitely an examination of relationships gone pear-shaped. I don’t much care for the director trying to be all high-and-mighty about what people should stick into themselves or vice-versa, but overall a very off-kilter flick. It really makes you feel off balance at times, especially when Lisa is revealed to not be the perfect doll Kenneth has made her out to be, and his hallucinations of Nikki attacking him are nuts. Check this one out!

roadside attractions

  • Ultra-Realistic Silicone Love Doll
  • Multiple aardvarking
  • needle-fu
  • tattoo-fu
  • shock at body piercing
  • limp noodle
  • pervert rash
  • mildy kinky behavior
  • psychological trauma
  • cubicle dwelling
  • office politics-fu
  • sexual deviancy
  • 1 real head rolls
  • 1 silicone head rolls
  • Rip Torn-fu
  • pink slip-fu
totals

2

blood

BLOOD

2 gallons of blood.

3

blood

BREASTS

Sorry fellas, I don’t count silicone ta-tas as the real kahunas

6

beast

BEASTS

Kenneth and Rip Torn, and anyone else with a pervert rash!

8.00 OVERALL
dripper


Mar

Comments Off on Near Dark: A Guest Review by Corey A. Jones

My name is Cory A. Jones, and I’m writing this guest review for “Near Dark”. I’m a writer for metal-temple.com where I review Heavy Metal albums. I’m also a filmmaker of almost a decade. You can check out my comedy web-series “Carl’s House” on youtube, and you can send me a line at acidunlimited@gmail.com if want to leave any feedback.

Y’know what cheeses me off? As if the “Twilight” saga hadn’t sissified the vampire genre enough; the new DVD cover of “Near Dark” makes it look like some cheap knockoff of America’s favorite Vampire chick-flick. What better way to completely sell short one of the last decent Vampire flicks from the ‘80’s.

Near Dark has 2 things in common with Twilight; There’s Vampires, and there’s a love story. That’s it. Beyond that, there’s no comparison. Twilight has stupid pansy vampires, and stupid pansy werewolves who can go out in daylight and play stupid pansy vampire softball. Or Whatever. But let me ask you this question: If Twilight is so great; does it have Bill Paxton running around slashing throats with his boot-spurs? No? Well then it deserves less of my attention than a pimple on a giraffe’s scrotum.

So this story revolves around Caleb (Adrian Pasdar), a wannabe cowboy who tries to get some nookie from Mae (Jenny Wright) and ends up being turned into a vampire. He tries to run home after his car breaks down and ends up being kidnapped by Mae’s vampire kin. The group wants to kill Caleb, but decides to try and make him “One of us” after they realize that he’s turned undead.

Eventually Caleb helps them escape a run-in with the law and becomes their new member, and they set about wreaking havoc until they end up kidnapping Caleb’s little sister which forces him to choose his real family or his vampire crew. Notable performances include 3 (!) members of the ALIENS cast; Lance Henrikson as Jessie the vampire leader, Jeannette Goldstein as Jessie’s busty vampire girlfriend, and Bill Paxton as Severen the vampire family’s resident nutcase.

There are all kind of things that make this movie watchable, but not many that make it memorable (aside from anything Bill Paxton does in the movie). The movie is Directed by Kathryn Bigelow who would end up marrying James Cameron and making movies like the stylish Y2K conspiracy movie “Strange Days” and most recently  “The Hurt Locker” which got her one of those snazzy Oscar awards. The James Cameron connection is obvious in this movie because of the cast, and because of familiar lighting style of Cinematographer Adam Greenberg who was also the DP on the “Terminator” movies.

It was a pretty enjoyable vampire flick that should be seen by anybody needing an introduction to what REAL vampire movies are all about. Just be sure to show that person Leif Jonker’s DARKNESS (1993) first because that is a much better example. The Vampire meltdown is that flick outdoes this one by lightyears.

Roadside attractions

  • 3 cases of Vampire Barbecue
  • Shotgun Fu
  • Boot Spur Fu
  • Jeannette Goldstein Cleavage
  • 1 cigarette smoking, pistol brandishing, Child abducting 12 year old
  • 1 Bar brawl
  • Bill Paxton roadkill
  • two motor vehicle chases with crash n’ burn
  • 7.5 out of 10

    Check out the trailer for “Near Dark”

    trailers

    dripper
    Feb

    posted by Barry Goodall | February 26, 2012 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movies, Horror movies, Rest stop, Review by Barry Goodall

    Comments Off on The Serpent and the Rainbow – Rest Stop Review Edition

    “The Serpent and the Rainbow” finally gets down to the root of this whole darn zombie craze as Bill Pullman gets buried alive in Haiti and does his best impression of a walking dead guy. Think of it as “Dawn of the Dead” with a reggae band. Bill plays Dennis Alan, a Harvard anthropologist who gets sent down to Haiti to try to find a secret voodoo powder that makes your  body go all limp and you appear completely dead to everyone else only to wake up hours later. Like daytime soaps without the weight gain. He just got done wrestlin’ with a jagaur in the congo and a big pharmaceutical company wants him to find the powder  so they can make the ultimate anesthesia… or possibly start the zombie apocalypse, which ever is more profitable.

    Dennis meets local Hatian hottie Dr. Marielle (Cathy Tyons) who introduces him to an island witch doctor that supposedly makes the zombie drug and runs all the government sanctioned cock fights. After making the sign of the two-headed voodoo doll out in the woods with Dr. Marielle. Dennis returns to find out he got sold fake powder that can’t even raise a dead goat. The corrupt police chief wants to keep the secret of the powder for himself and  invites Dennis over so he can nail his testicles to a dinner chair just as warning to stop snooping around (you should see what they do to jay walkers.) Dennis really can’t take a hint and apparently has a very high pain threshold so he keeps on the hunt. Pretty soon he starts having nightmares of the police chief, flaming boats, and snakes shooting out of midget zombie brides, not the sorta stuff you’ll see on the tourism brochures.

    He awakes the next morning with a severed  head next to him in bed when the police bust in and force him on a plane back to the states, but not before he received a secret stash of the zombie powder from the witch doctor, Mozart. Back in Boston, Dennis drops off the dust at the lab to be studied then has some dinner guests over who start chomping on fine glassware and convulsing on the floor warning him that his Haitain girlfriend is going to die. Dennis books himself a ticket right on back to the island to try to find her and Mozart who unfortunately just got his head chopped off. Dennis gets drugged with the zombie powder, buried alive and quickly dug up because nobody wants to see someone throw away a perfectly good white boy. A bit wobbly on his knees, Dennis must do battle with the police chief and his voodoo power, canned souls, and a mighty aggressive dinner chair to save his girlfriend and help lead a Haitian revolution. But hey it’s Bill Pullman, this guy was the president and fought alien squids in a F-14.

    Barry Goodall says to do that voodoo that you do so well and give “The Serpent and the Rainbow” a try…or I’ll steal your soul and keep in a fruit jar right next to the canned peaches.  That’s how I keep my souls fresh.

    Roadside Attractions:

    – Zombified Bill Pullman
    – Glass munching
    – Head slicing
    – Jaguar frolicing
    – Extreme scrotum accupuncture
    – Coffin blood drowin’
    – Aggressive furniture movers
    – Haitian uprising
    – Surprise snake-in-mouth joke/pun
    – Midget zombie brides on flaming boats
    – Possessed Haitian party raves

    trailers

    dripper
    Feb

    posted by Barry Goodall | February 13, 2012 | 80's b-movies, 80's movies, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

    Comments Off on Waxwork

    waxwork

    Waxed demons are trying to take over the world and steering clear of any open flames in the 80’s classic “Waxwork.” Zach Galian, after blowing up Gremlins in his microwave, plays Mark, a spoiled rich kid with a caffeine addiction. He and his dimwitted high school friends are invited to a waxwork museum run by b-movie veteran, David Warner who can pretty much play creepy in his sleep. They arrive for a midnight preview and a 7ft tall butler and his dwarf life-partner send them on a tour of “eighteen of the most evil people who ever lived”, but sadly no Larry King. On of the friends Tony, loses his lighter in one of the exhibits so he gets zapped into alternate reality where Teenwolf could be a reality hit TV show. Finding himself inside a creepy cabin he meets a Pavarotti look-alike who starts turning into a werewolf and bites him on the arm. Lycanthropes are everywhere. Luckily, a vigilante mob bust into just in time to shoot everyone with silver bullets putting an end to Tony’s nicotine addiction and Pavorotti’s singing career.

    waxworkMeanwhile, Mark’s bitchy girlfriend walks into a vampire exhibit where she’s forced to slowly eat steak tar-tar while some Twilight emmos gawk at her bad dye job. She discovers a one legged guy in their basement who just had his ankle gnawed on like a doggie chew toy. She stakes some vamp fatales and then gets her neck sucked on by the guy from the “I can’t believe it’s not butter” commercials. No big deal, no one liked her anyways. Team Edward for the win.

    Back in the real world, Mark and his new replacement girlfriend, Sarah leave the show thinking their friends ditched them and decide to head back to Mark’s mansion to look at old pictures of his grandfather in the attic. Probably the worse first date ever until they they discover the waxwork owner is in the photo which would make him about 170 years old (170 is the new 140). They consult with an old wheelchair bound Brit named Sir Wilfred, a friend of Mark’s grandfather, who explains how he and Mark’s grandpa collected trinkets from some of the most evil people in the world and sell them for big bucks on Ebay. Sir Wilfred believes the waxwork owner had sold his soul to the devil in return he’d get immortality but also has to find victims for his waxworks displays to help bring about the end of the world.This means raising the dead, filing the skies with blood, and consuming all things good in the world like pop tarts and Leann Rimes.

    Mark and Sarah try to tell the cops but the detective doesn’t believe them and ends up pharaoh bait in an Egyptian tomb getting body slammed by a mummy. Mark and Sarah return to the waxworks in an attempt to burn it down but Sarah’s ADD kicks in as she’s mesmerized by the French Marquies de Sade exhibit. Sadly not Circus De Soleil…fewer clowns more whipping.

    waxworkShe gets sucked in while Mark gets pushed into the Night of the Living Dead to fight off hordes of flesh hungry zombies. After getting a hand, Mark escapes and rescues Sarah whose been getting her jollies from 50 lashings by the hand of a ren-fest pirate. Mark convinces her that she’s been brainwashed by the waxwork and if she believes that it’s not real then she can’t be harmed. Seems like she’s disappointed by that fact.

    They step through a dimensional portal just in time to see the rest of the waxworks come to life and do battle with Sir Wilfred’s armored wheelchair brigade and his small army of senior citizens. High on Metamucil, they battle with swords and pitchforks against the legion of demonic wax figures trying to keep any of them from escaping and polluting the rest of the world.

    Barry Goodall says go check out “waxwork” and bring some candles but leave your butler dwarf at home if you don’t have the room. Unless you have a motorcycle sidecar…those work perfect for dwarf butlers.

    roadside attractions

    • Severed hand
    • Bat shooting
    • French whippin’
    • Cheek gougin’
    • Ankle chewin’
    • Head smash with twist and pull
    • Neck chompin’
    • Extra raw steak tar tar
    • Werewolf, vampires, zombies, and mummies
    • Torso rippin’
    • Wheelchair drive-by
    • 50 gallons of hot wax
    totals

    8

    blood

    BLOOD

    Bodies get ripped in two and a guy gets his leg chewed down to the bone, bloody stabbings, and rare steak tar tar.

    0

    blood

    BREASTS

    You’d think a french S&M exhibit would get more melons but you’d be wrong. Not even waxed fruit. I thought the French preferred not to wear clothes. Maybe that was bathing.

    10

    beast

    BEASTS

    *deep breath* mummies, werewolves, vampires, zombies, severed hands and butler dwarfs. the Phantom of the Opera, Frankenstein’s monster, Jack the Ripper, the Invisible Man, a voodoo priest, a witch, a snakeman, pods from Invansion of the Body Snatchers, a mutant baby, an axe murderer, a multi-eyed alien, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. New Highway record for most beasts in one film!

    8.9 OVERALL
    dripper

    Check out the trailer for “Waxwork”

    trailers

    dripper
    Jan

    posted by admin | January 30, 2012 | 80's movies, Action, Horror movies, Kung-fu, Review by Tiger Sixon, Sci-Fi

    Comments Off on Devil’s Dynamite

    If you’re going to watch one dubbed Asian film about vampires, gamblers, ninja, and tinfoil clad warriors, it may as well be Devil’s Dynamite. Why? Because I doubt another film does as much justice to these subjects. Or even puts them together.

    Devil’s Dynamite is a “You got peanut butter in my chocolate/You got chocolate in my peanut butter” situation: it feels like two different films were edited together to form one wacky cinematic cocktail. Film A is about a baddie using vampires to do his evil deeds. Said vampires even do some of these wicked deeds in the day time. And they hop. Yes, hop. In unison. They also have blue skin, and can be kept in check by sticky-notes on their foreheads.

    And where is our street walking Hercules to fight these vampires? We find him in, as the film so excellently puts it, “That damn Futuristic Warrior!” Yes, the Futuristic Warrior appears at first to be just an Average Joe. But, in the blink of an eye (or to be more specific, a jump cut) Average Joe can change into the tinfoil covered, motorcycle helmet wearing Futuristic Warrior (who also has the ability to burn children with his touch. Yep). Besides his goofy helmet, the Futuristic Warrior sports a kickin’ neckerchief, too. 90% of fighting vampires is style. The other half is just showin’ up.

    Devil’s Dynamite also teaches us, if you punch a vampire hard enough, they disappear in a cloud of smoke. Now you tell me! All that money wasted on hand-carved, artisan stakes.

    Film Two in Devil’s Dynamite is some kinda gangster revenge flick. A fallen from grace “gambling king,” just got out of the slammer and is looking for his secret cache of gold. I think. There is something about a kidnapping, and his ex-wife marrying a new boyfriend, but my brain had melted after the Futuristic Warrior/blue vampire sitch. An hour into the 80+ minute film, and I had no idea what was going on.

    Was this a bad thing? Nah. The confusion and “What the French toast?” moments made Devil’s Dynamite quite a hoot. In the waning minutes of the film, there is an attempt to marrying Film A and Film Two with a bit of short dialogue, but it really didn’t matter. In a film with a guy in tinfoil suit punching blue vampires (during the day), who cares about plot?

    While Devil’s Dynamite is more confusing than trying to read War and Peace upside down, it is highly entertaining and will stick to your ribs: “Why do the vampires hop?” “What’s the Futuristic Warrior’s story?” “Is that little girl actually a ghost?” Tiger says, call the gang over and give this one a watch, you are in for a treat.


    Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

    roadside attractions

    • plastic vampire teeth
    • gang fights
    • knife eye-poking
    • body painting
    • ninja
    • UNDEAD ninja
    • bloody swords
    • blue vampires
    • hopping vampires
    • evaporating vampires
    • tinfoil suits
    • crazy martial arts
    • creepy kids
    • anti-sorcery mirrors
    • bad ass priests
    totals

    10

    blood

    BLOOD

    As expected in any vampire flick, there is plenty of neck biting. Throw in a few ninja and some gangster brutality, and you have a blood bath on yer hands.

    2

    blood

    BREASTS

    We see one lady in a bathing suit, but that is it.

    10

    beast

    BEASTS

    Hopping, blue faced vampires and undead ninja (I think). What more could you want? Besides a plot, that is.

    7.3 OVERALL
    dripper

    About the Highway

    Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>