Archive for the 'Horror movies' Category

Oct

Comments Off on Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice

Children of the Corn 2

Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice has all the ingredients for making a good b-movie. It’s got demonic possession, impalement, old people, creepy kids….. oh and corn, plenty of corn. In fact, Children of the Corn 2 has way more corn cobs than should be allowed by either the MPAA or the FDA. So much corn, It would actually make a better stew than a movie.

Taking place 8 years after the killing spree in Gatlin, the psycho-amish kids have been deported to the nearby town of Hemmingford for some rest and rehab. The folks there decided to adopt them all which is mighty neighborly, except for the fact the kids killed every adult at the last place they lived. A reporter, John Garrett (Terrence Knox) and his son, Danny are on a road trip and learn about the massacre from a news crew who later get impaled by corn stalks through their van window. Little known fact, Nebraskian corn stalks are extremely durable, used to frame up modular homes and build bridges.

Children of the Corn 2John and Danny were hoping to find a truck stop to get some puffy hats with filthy sayings on em’ but run into some local hotties crusing in a mustang instead. Angela who owns a nearby bed and breakfast for drifters and actor has-beens while Lacey is an exhibitionist that likes to shower under waterfalls for any passer-bys. John wastes no time and gets busy with the B&B lady  while Danny fails to even get to first base with Lacey, his incredible blandess barely edging out the fact he still has all his teeth. Meanwhile, Mikah a satanic hipster in a suit vest goes all dark emperor one night when electric lights shoot out of his hands and he commands the children to make sacrifices to “He who walks behind the rows.” They end up crushing an old lady under a house, overdosing a mortician, and giving a guy a nosebleed. It’s not even a fair fight.

John finally begins to suspects something is wrong when a mysterious indian named Frank Redbear (not his real name) shows him a rock drawing and talks about vengeful spirits, homocidal indian kids and casinos as far as the eye can see. John digs Frank’s no-nonsense approach to rock storytellin’ and together they uncover the town’s deadly secret. The town’s corn supply has been releasing a toxin into the water  that could be turning kids into crazed killers. Unfortunately before they can let anyone know the truth, they get tied up by the deputy  leaving them in a field to be ran over by a corn harvester.

Children of the Corn 3

Back at the B&B, Mikah convinces Danny that his crappy attitude is all his dad’s fault and tries to get him to join their jr. league satanic cult. Danny is easily swayed by people shorter than him so he attends their initiation where they demand he sacrifice his not-so-virgin girlfriend to their demon god, an aggressive field mole. John and Redbear escape the harvester  just in time stop Danny from stabbing Lacey but then the indian gets killed with a bow and arrow ironically and all hell breaks loose. In the end, good still triumphs over evil and they ceremonially burn Redbear in the middle of a field letting him return to the spirit world while watching 1000’s of acres accidentally burn to a crisp.

….and somewhere an indian sheds a tear.

Children of the corn 2  is a bountiful crop of crap, a cornucopia of bad, but I suppose you can give it a try if there’s nothing on the Food Network to watch. Barry Goodall says “If you build it, they will come….but if you make a bad sequel to a mediocre Stephen King film then it shall go directly to video.”

roadside attractions

  • syringe death
  • severed hand
  • house crushing
  • extreme nose bleeding
  • death by corn cob
  • impalement by corn stalks
  • throat ripping
  • death by hypodermic needles
  • house burning
  • old lady crushing
  • wheel chair remote control
totals

5

blood

BLOOD

gallons…most of it from one guys nose

6

blood

BREASTS

plenty of cleavage and extreme gawking but don’t go chasing waterfalls

3

beast

BEASTS

demon kids, a pesky demon mole and a mean lady in a wheel chair

3.00 OVERALL
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Sep

Comments Off on Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama

Call me a nay sayer, say I was a doubter. I gotta admit that I didn’t think it was possible to top some of our country’s best combos. Mustard and vienna sausages , chicken and waffles, Starsky and Hutch, but  Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-rama maybe the perfect combo of gawkin’ at half naked woman and drunk bowling on a Friday night.

It all starts when 3 horny geeks want a sneak  peak at a sorority initiation lead by Robin Rochelle. She’s a 38 year old co-ed still trying to pass her freshman year but she has a hankering for paddlin’ some hinnies and covering pledges in whip cream. You just don’t see that sorta behavior  with soccer moms anymore. She catches the peeping toms who were all just watching them shower sans-luffas for what seems like a good hour. The I-felta-thi sorority has a very active bowling league so she sends the nerds and the pledges out to steal a bowling trophy and prove their worth. After breaking into the bowling alley they run into Linnea Quigly whose nearly unrecognizable fully clothed. She plays “Spider” a convict trying to rob the joint with a crow bar and a few well placed f-bombs. The gang grabs a trophy but accidentally lets out a demonic imp with the voice of Don Cornelius who’s been trapped inside for the last 30 years. The jive talking monster midget grants them each a wish and a chance to win a guest spot on Soul Train. Their wishes involve being queen of the prom, bars of gold and Michelle Bauer getting nekkid… but hey, who hasn’t had that same wish?

It all suddenly goes bad though when the imp turns some of the girls into demonic minions with bad skin and a hankerin’ for evil. They cram a fat guy’s head into a ball polishing machine and deep fries another guy’s face in the fry cooker taking time out to  pick up a few spares with a severed head. Spider and her new nerd boyfriend must fight their way out  with the help of a partially deaf janitor and put a stop to the evil muppet’s plans of world domination by stuffing him in a coffee can. If they can’t, it could be a fate far worse than death…a movie sequel. Sorority Babes is a fun 80’s throwback to when the jocks were dumb and the bimbos were big breasted. Barry Goodall says check it out and don’t forget to bring your bowling shoes and some 10 pound balls.

If you got 10 pound balls, how did you walk to the videostore so fast? That joke never gets old.

Roadside Attractions:

– Gratuitous spank-athon
– Whip cream-tastic
– Extensive use of a crowbar
– Magic demon trophy
– Head polishing
– Face frying
– Girl pulled in half like a pulled pork sandwich
– Flaming bimbos
– Severed head roll and bowl
– Evil imp impalement
– Car crash with roll

it’s the booooooooowwwwlll-train.

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Sep

Comments Off on Alligator

1980’s “alligator” might just do for pool parties what Jaws did for swimming at the beach as a giant mutant alligator terrorizing the sewers and streets of Chicago. Robert Forester stars as detective David Madison, a  former hair club member with a nasty habit of getting his partners killed. He’s called in to investigate why some pets have suddenly gone missing and random body parts are clogging up the sewers. Turns out, a flushed baby gator grew to the size of a Eldorado while snacking on hormone injected canines and is now moving up the food chain. Side effects also include insatiable hunger, dry mouth and an overall improved batting average.

David heads down into the sewer to check out the disappearance of a sanitation worker and that’s where he runs into the beefy reptile. His new partner is quickly made into a giant gator chew toy proving that David goes through partners faster than red shirts guys on Star Trek episodes. Back at the precinct, nobody believes the detective’s story and some even suspect that he might be a serial killer but a snooping reporter gets some glamour photos of the giant lizard right before getting killed.

The city gets gator fever and the mayor orders a bunch of police officers to bang on trash can lids like rejects from a Stomp recital to scare it out of hiding. The gator’s a no show since he’s been sunbathing in a backyard pool… relaxing, drinking margaritas, and eating the occasional kid dressed up as a pirate. Meanwhile, David has been making night moves on the local lizard queen (Robin Riker), a scientist who specializes in reptilian behavior and how to brutally reject guys at pickup bars. She’s immediately attracted to David’s receding hairline and his sweat stained t-shirts which leads to a late night of love making and watching Chip re-runs.

David discovers the laboratory responsible for making the mega-gator food, but the CEO is best buddy with the mayor, so he just ends up getting fired instead. Left with some free time David makes the sign of the two horned platypus again with Marisa, while the gator heads out for another kiling spree smashing up cop cars and tail spanking rich white people around like a frat hazing.

The mayor decides to hire a safari hunter to track the gator down in the streets who also enlists the help of some local gangsters as guides. They end up finding a big pile of gator poop right before a gator ninja sneak attacks them from behind. Another inner city gator drive-by.

With the police in hot pursuit, it escapes into a nearby lake where some cops in speed boats do some stunt jumps off it’s back and a cop gets his legs chewed off. It’s probably the worse boat show ever. David is put back on the case and he corners the reptile back in the sewer. Using some spare dynamite he ignites the methane in the tunnels just before barely escaping when the “where’s the beef lady” parks on the escape tunnel. Sure he blew up 20 square blocks, but at least the gator is dead….and smelling delicious.

Somewhere in heaven Steve Erwin sheds a tear.

Barry Goodall says “Alligator” is a bloody good time, just remember to never flush your pets down the sewers or you could end up with a giant man-eating alligator…or even worse, mutant ninjas turtles and a kung-fu rat.

roadside attractions

  • gator wrestlin’
  • multiple severed arm
  • multiple severed leg
  • dead dogs with gigantis disease
  • improv stomp garage band.
  • alligator hunter sorta like crocodile hunter
  • alligator poop
  • pirate pool parties
  • alligator drive-bys
  • gator jumping stunt spectactors
  • boat and car crash and burn
  • gator tail baseball
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

Multiple severed body parts and gator chomping with splatter.

3

blood

BREASTS

talked of often but never actually seen..sorta like bigfoot.

10

beast

BEASTS

A sleazy guy in a hawaiin shirt and one 30 ft. mega-gator.

8.3 OVERALL
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Aug

Comments Off on Bloodtide

Bloodtide, AKA Demon Island, AKA James Earl Jones Needed a New Water Heater, is pretty much The Creature From the Black Lagoon Greek Holiday. An American tourist, played by Martin “Sweep the Leg” Kove of Karate Kid fame, goes looking for his lost sister in the Greek isles. What’s the worst that could happen?

The film actually starts all the way back in ancient Greece, when Larry King was just learning to shave, and the folks on the island are in the middle of a virgin sacrifice. And no, they ain’t tossing her to Gene Simmons, but rather some kinda critter in the water.

Fast-forward to the always-whacky 1980s, and Kove, with bikini-clad wife in tow, is island hoping around Greece looking for his estranged sister, who musta not gone to my high school, because she is a virgin. Kove finds a Greek island where throwing cats is a type of greeting and Cousin Balki is nowhere to be found. Jose Ferrer (the Emperor in Dune) runs the show, and he subjects Kove and his wife to the island’s clumsiest waiter, in hopes of scaring them off.

But Kove will not be turned away by any waiter, no matter how clumsy (as long as he ain’t trained by Mr. Miyagi, I s’pose). Kove finds his sister, who splits her days between hanging with island’s nuns and a very drunk James Earl Jones—and at this point in the film, one wishes they were as drunk as JEJ. It would only improve things. But JEJ, being a talented actor, is not content to just sit around and drink, nah, he quotes Shakespeare. A lot. Character depth: he has it.

Why is JEJ on the island? It ain’t the cat throwing or Jose Ferrer’s mustache keeping him there. Treasure. He has found a sealed door in an underwater cave. Because, nothing bad could be behind a bricked up door in a secret, underwater cave on a secluded island.

After JEJ’s Shakespeare filled demolition, an eerie mist flows out of the cave. No big deal, right? Wrong. Something nasty was hidden in that cave, and it wasn’t the Little Mermaid. What hath Darth Vader wrought?

Speaking of mermaids, we’re treated to a “beach day” scene with blondes in bikinis. Thank you for the distraction, Movie. The high point of this scene involves melons, no, not the kind in the ladies’ bikini tops—watermelons. JEJ demonstrates the correct way to prepare said melon: “You don’t cut watermelon with a knife!” he says, before punching the doomed melon open like it was an Ewok’s head.

While all this melon punching is going on, Kove’s sister begins to lose it. She has been working on restoring an old church painting of a guy fighting a monster, and keeps finding older versions under each layer. The first new layer is a guy fighting some kind of fish monster, but the next layer, shows an anatomically correct fish man attacking a woman—and let’s just say he is “standing tall” in the painting.

Forty-two minutes into the movie, give or take, we get our first kill and it is very Jaws-like. We also see our monster—which looks like a sea horse man. And it ain’t the last kill either. The bodies start piling up all over the island, and only the sacrifice of a virgin can quell the beast’s hunger. Kove won’t stand for such a thing, and neither will JEJ. But, the most terrifying part of the film is yet to come: Kove and his sister—his SISTER—share a rather passionate, touchy-feely kiss. This marks yet another JEJ film where the relationship ‘tween a brother and sister is a bit, to use the Facebook jargon, “Complicated.”

The first 40+ minutes of the film are rough, but JEJ’s over-the-top, drunken Shakespeare scenes are amusing (as is the watermelon punching scene). The monster is pretty creepy, even though you don’t see it too much, and the use of a real Greek island makes for a great location.

But the real gem here is the beach aerobic scene with one of the leading ladies. A drinking game could improve this film: take a drink whenever JEJ quotes Shakespeare, and forsooth, you’ll be in the same mindset as his character forthwith.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Cat Throwing
  • Clumsy Waiters
  • Shakespeare Quoting
  • Jaws Shots
  • Blondes in Bikinis
  • Beach Aerobics
  • Virgin Sacrifices
  • Watermelon Punching
  • Floating Feet
  • Rope Used as a Belt
  • Naughty Monster Paintings
  • Awkward Brother-Sister Kissing
  • Water Monsters
  • Blood in the Water
totals

3

blood  

BLOOD

It takes awhile for the blood to show up, but when it does, there is plenty of it.

2 blood  

BREASTS

Sadly, bikini tops cover the only breasts in the film.

 

3

beast  

BEASTS

Bloodtide’s beastie takes its time showing up, but it is one of the more unique movie monsters, even though it looks like a giant sea horse with an overactive libido.

3.0 OVERALL
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Aug

Comments Off on Feed: Rest Stop Review Edition

Feed

It gets a little lonely on the road, so I decided I’d settle into a motel with a movie about love and devotion and happiness, so I picked Feed.

Feed (2005) is the heartwarming tale of the kind of love that blossoms on Craigslist and fetish websites, which in turn is investigated by every major law enforcement agency on the planet. Now, I’m all for doing whatever you want with your body, and putting whatever disgusting thing you want to into whatever disgusting orifice you feel like; I mean, I can do things with a length of garden hose and a can of easy cheese that’ll curl your toes, but when it gets into those strange murky areas where people will die or kill someone just to get their rocks off, it gets a little squicky.

The flick opens with a man in an advanced state of nekkid holding a plate full of burgers and fries over a bedridden obese woman wearing lipstick and little else, and touching himself in a manner that usually requires going to confession afterward. He forces her to say “Feed Me!” like a doughy Audrey II, then shoves the burger into her maw while waxing poetic, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Then, the film breaks away to a home in Germany being subject to a raid by a cybercrime unit being led by Detective Jackson from…Australia… Not sure how the jurisdictional laws work out there; but he leads the charge and goes in to find the stove full of pots and pans, one of which contains a bit of male anatomy being sautéed. Cut to upstairs, and there’s two men in the bathroom, one snacking (literally) on the other. The bloody fellow starts screaming about how it’s his body and he wants to be eaten… Yikes.

Jackson goes home and has a violent love affair with his girlfriend, but is now haunted by the memories of the Germany raid and starts searching for his next case, which happens to be a website featuring the voluptuous lady Deidre that we met in the first scene. She’s a Gainer, and has just reached her goal of 600 pounds, and is worshipped. Her Feeder, Michael, who is also the admin of the website, keeps track of her vital signs, and we see that there are bets placed on the site for how long the various members think she will live. This is a problem for Jackson, who investigates the site further to see a memorial page to the last featured lady, Lucy, and videos of her with a tube and funnel in her mouth being force fed something that looks really gross, then dying.

He ends up travelling to America against the wishes of his superiors, and stalks the owner of the site. He finds the priest who runs the boy’s home where Michael lived for a while, and then we meet Abby, who conveniently knows a lot about Michael, and invites Jackson out for a Whopper.

From here the movie gets a little preachy; Michael places lots of emphasis on the “what is beauty?” argument and talk of outrageous standards in America of thinness and overall appearance, and showers his big beauties in devotion, love, marinara, whipped cream, and barbeque sauce. Jackson thinks its flat-out murder, and also thinks the whole thing is just nasty.  Jackson has his own demons, though; but Michael ends up drugging him with a doughnut while crowing his catchphrase, “Consumption is Evolution,” and for reasons I don’t understand injects his belly with…something. Jackson wakes up and does a Rambo job on himself, then it’s on like Simon Lebon.

Michael is one creepy sumbish, let me tell you. He’s the textbook pretty-boy psychopath; we get informed by flashback that his mother was bedbound, and he had to care for her in much the same way that he takes care of Deidre, so a whole crazy Norman Bates vibe gets added to the mix. We also discover that Michael is married to a very pretty skinny lady, so now it’s a question of, is he really REALLY into this, or is he just an unsub with unlimited income and multiple homes?

The wife says he’s doing God’s work, so now we have the fetish plus a thriving oedipal complex with a side of religious weirdness. Jackson kidnaps her and shows her what her husband is really up to, which throws her into a full-on speaking in tongues rapture type frenzy, and he kidnaps her and tracks the bad guy down.

While all this is going on, Deidre is being fed a weight gain mix of bulking agent, eggs, and the rendered blubbage of the previous occupant of her bed, Lucy. I had to stop a moment and collect myself, because that’s just nasty.

Jackson finally arrives for the ultimate showdown, and he and Michael chase each other around for a while, the whole time Deidre is wavering between having a massive coronary and screaming for Jackson not to hurt Michael, to get out and leave them alone. Jackson finds Lucy’s corpse in the living room, and Michael’s dad in the den, being starved to death. The fight travels back upstairs, and Michael forces Jackson to feed Deidre the Lucy chowder, which ends badly. Deidre continues to go nuts, which sparks a minor Michael freakout in which he reveals he killed his mom and cut the fat off of her body, but Deidre doesn’t care about that, even when Michael holds a pillow over her face and smothers her a little. Just a little, though, it’s alright, she still loves him!

The final showdown is full of yelling and more preaching from the book of Michael, until Jackson takes matters into his own hands and shoots…

Deidre!  HE SHOT DEIDRE! What the hell? Did M. Night Shyamalan have something to do with this? Holy crap that was NOT what I expected! The screen goes dark, and there are two more shots.

We come back to a sunny home, Jackson biddy-bops into the kitchen and there’s Abby! She’s making sandwiches! She’s also gained a bit of weight since the last we saw her. Jackson kisses her on the cheek and says he’s going out for a bit, and she hands him a bag of sandwiches and tells him not to be late for supper.

Jackson travels back to the farmhouse and into the room where the rotting corpse of Deidre still lays in bed. He opens the doors to the balcony and sets up a chair and table. He sits and takes a bite of his sandwich, then offers a bite to Michael, who is strapped to a wheelchair and has wasted away to skeletal thinness. Jackson makes him say the famous words, “Feed Me,” and the movie ends. The credits roll to a bizarrely peppy techno song about how we love life and should shake it up and cool down.

Feed definitely delivered, for most of the film I was disturbed and definitely grossed out. This is not one for the family for sure; there is full frontal nudity of both the guys and gals, and scenes of high intensity aardvarking.

5 beasts; every major character in this movie is despicable, and the German cannibal guy is scary as all getout.

1 gallon of blood, mostly in the German Cannibal scene.

Sautéed wangdoodles, exploitation-fu, sponge bath-fu, gratuitous self abuse, marinara-fu, barbeque sauce-fu, whipped cream-fu, cookie-fu, burger-fu, ill-fitting lingerie, 24 hour streaming webcam-fu, pay porno site-fu, bad internet detective-fu, hot raunchy aardvarking, breast-biting, doughnuts roll, bellies flop. 4 stars.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going for a jog and I’ll meet a man in a bar like the good lord intended.

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