Archive for the 'Horror movies' Category

Jul

Comments Off on “The Manster” a.k.a. “The Split” Rest Stop Edition

Tokyo is being terrorized by a crazed beast. But this time it’s not Gojira, he needed to use up some vacation time and took the day off.

A deranged scientist (aren’t they all that way in these movies) has finally run out of family members to do experiments on and he really needs a new lab rat to continue his “important” work. Conveniently, a “dumb as a stick” writer shows up at his house to do an article about him. Not long after arriving, the mad scientist who’s also known as Dr. Suzuki offers him a drink that’s been laced with a “ruffie” and after a couple of sips he passes out. Jeez! What a lightweight. While Larry (that’s the guy’s name) is unconscious Mr. “I can give you a great deal on a boat, atv, car or motorcycle” Suzuki shoots him up with some kind of genetic experiment, similar to those govt. flu vaccinations.

The mad scientist, who also earns extra cash as a pimp on the side doesn’t want his petri dish on two legs to leave Tokyo, so he keeps him busy by serving up plenty of ho’s and Saki. He even offers Larry his prized egg roll, an assistant named Tara. A day or so after the injection strange things begin happening to Larry. He goes from being a mild mannered Professor Klump type of person to an abusive womanizer who runs around assaulting random women. I think he’s been hanging around Charlie Sheen too much. Then late one night after getting his fill of the Geisha buffet, Larry goes home and discovers a nasty looking rash on his shoulder. That what he gets for not using some kind of protection. Luckily, for him the rash goes away but then an eyeball sprouts out of his shoulder. Hey, aren’t “third eyes” supposed to appear in the middle of the head? Well, it probably got lost trying follow Map Quest directions. Anyway, things continue to get worst when other symptoms start showing up like a hairy palm and finger nails that grow as long as Wolverine’s claws. Now, I just checked out Larry’s symptoms on Web MD and I was wrong, it’s not an STD. Maybe, he’s going through puberty again???

Well, I’m not to sure what’s goin’ on here, but the movie starts to get Tom Cruise jumpin’ on Oprah’s couch freaky when a little shrunken head sporting some bad looking teeth (must be British) pops outta Larry’s shoulder like a stripper bursting from a big birthday cake. And before you can say double trouble, the crazed duo are destroying public property Chris Brown style and murdering various people on the street using the Ripper’s as in Jack the Ripper’s MO. Soon the police are hot on their trail like Wynona Ryder after a shop lifting spree. But after awhile Larry tires of the freakshow life style and decides to call it quits with his new BBF. Apparently, two heads aren’t better than one. That’s a real shame. They seemed so happy together. Counseling isn’t an option as Larry quickly splits with his other half using a tree trunk like a crowbar to pry himself apart. Well, at least they won’t have to pay for divorce attorneys. A newly single, and back on the market Larry watches from a distance as the Trog wannabe steals his girlfriend Tara and they both take the Nestea plunge into a volcano. Then the credits immediately roll for what has to be the fastest ending that I’ve ever seen in a movie that still has me wondering if the director ran outta film?

Half Man, Half Monster, a 100% pure B-movie cheese.

Roadside Attractions:

– A double-header villian
– Random murders
– 1 crazy scientist
– 1 scorned wife
– Extreme Saki drinking
– Supersized lee press on nails
– Plenty of DIY make-up effects
– 1 eyeball on the shoulder gag
– 1 hairy palm
– Creepy Thermin music
– Geisha girl bloodbath
– A head sprouts out of a shoulder
– A guy wearing a hokey gorilla costume


Unfortunately, a trailer isn’t available even though this movie is in the public domain.

Jul

posted by Barry Goodall | July 10, 2011 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on Rock n’ Roll Nightmare: Rest Stop Review edition

Demonic muppets take over a Canadian farm house rented out by Satan and only John Mikl Thor can break their lease on evil. In what  arguably might be Canada’s worse export since Celine Dion, Rock n’ Roll Nightmare takes big slabs of steroid fed beef and tries to stuff them in sequined jump suits much to the horror of it’s viewers. John Triton (Thor) is one such metal meathead whose love of rockin’ out is only matched by his love for Weight Gain 2000. He drives a pimpin’ van to a secluded farmhouse where baked hell spawn have already killed a family and stuffed them in the oven like spare frying pans. Along for the ride is his slow witted band and some newly weds celebrating their honeymoon, but they just end up washing all the band’s dishes and getting eaten by a greasy skinned hellbeast. If only they’d gone to Niagara Falls instead. After a few ear bleedin’ rehearsals, midget demons start running all over the farmhouse chewing on people’s neck and causing a ruckus. John seems oblivious to that fact since he’s been  busy writing bad love songs and  grooping his girlfriend in the shower…a difficult scene to endure considering Thor had the bigger breasts.

After the rest of the band members are picked off, John is left alone to face off with Belza “Bub” in a cage match show down when he suddenly transforms himself into a glamrock angel in a speedo whose supposed to send Satan back to his netherworld, a Hell apparently even worse than Quebec. it’s revealed that all the band members including a handful of groupies were just made up in John’s thick head in order to distract the demons and get the devil to reveal himself. This also begs the question, who was John ardvarking in the shower with earlier? Shudder as you ponder that possibility.

Barry Goodall says get your studded leather thong on and get ready to jam with Rock n’ Roll Nightmare…oh, and always have some talcum powder on hand to avoid schaffing. Now that’s a real Rock n’ Roll nightmare.

Roadside Attractions:

– Deadly ninja demon starfish
– Phallic muppets with nicotine addictions
– Overcooked oven demons
– Coffee luggies
– Extreme hickies
– Keyboard transvestites
– Deformed dog faced dwarfs
– Studded thong battle gear
– Monster cop a feels
– Possessed chicken drum sticks

if I was in a Canadian metal band I’d probably have to imagine groupies in my head too.

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Jun

Comments Off on Inheritance

I managed to make it out of the trailer park for a while; I was going stir crazy under that house arrest! You have no idea how pesky those little ankle bracelet trackers can be! Luckily, with the aid of some cooking spray, a pie cutter, and a drifter, I’ve squirreled free and have been on the road for a little while. You have no idea the bother one tiny little missing persons report will bring you! Pat just won’t let it go no matter how many times I tell her that Bert has gone night fishing and I don’t know when he’ll be back. Granted, this trip is a bit longer than
usual, and his car is in the driveway, and the boat is at the dock, but I try not to meddle in his affairs. And yes, I had the carpet ripped up and replaced with E-Z-Kleen Linoleum and bought more than the usual share of bleach and quicklime on our credit card, and the meat tenderizer is missing from the utensil drawer…but that…that shouldn’t raise any eyebrows! Not here at The Lost Highway, anyway.

inheritanceSo that’s where I’ve been, on the road with my dark glasses and my hair all cut off! I’ve broken the mold a bit and have been checking out some newer flicks, some BRAND-SPANKIN’ NEW, and I have to tell
you, that bad movies are timeless. This one I have for you today is a doozy!

The Inheritance (2011) is a thriller that begins with three carloads of people complaining about their family reunion in the dead of winter. The ground is covered in snow, and everyone is whining and complaining about crazy Uncle Melvin (The incomparable Keith David) holding the reunion this time of year. We meet in turn the family: Tyrone, Simpson, Lily, Karen, and Henry. Joining the party are Simpson’s boss Martin, and his wife, Julie. Everyone has their butt on their shoulders until they arrive at the old plantation house and mess around on the snowmobiles after getting a gift from dear Uncle Martin, a box full of champagne and reefer.

Everyone gets messed up; Martin and Julie go upstairs and we get a scene of them making the sign of the epileptic platypus while the rest stay downstairs and have a talk about why they’re all here and basically how much money they’re going to ask their family for. They refer to their family as “The Elders,” which is strange at best, but hey, it’s a family thing. Then they start playing around with the various drums while Simpson reads aloud from a tattered old book.  We know something supernatural is happening because we go into slow motion and Lilly performs an off the cuff ceremonial dance in the living room, then starts flipping out when the words, “THE FLESH IS THE STRENGTH” appear, written in bloody snow on the window. That’s when everyone calls it a night, and Martin and Julie get murdalized.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’d pretty much just up and leave if I awoke from a dead sleep to one of my aunts or uncles just sitting there staring at me. This family, no, they’re not surprised at all, but jump out of bed for the festivities. And, how, what festivities!

The Elders have moved all the furniture from the living room except for some fur rugs and sigils drawn on the floor, and 5 chairs. The Elders are decked out in ceremonial African garb, they seat the cousins, and Uncle Melvin proceeds to tell the family history…in fantastic flashback!

Back in the days of slavery, their family was all on this plantation. A slave named Chakabazz survived a lynching. Turns out he was a healer and a prophet. He offered them freedom, wealth and power if they sacrificed their firstborns to him. The family brought the children, 3 boys and 2 girls. He does some spell  in his cabin,  all the kids start screaming, and all but one is killed. The one left alive is The Vessel, meant to start the family line over again. Chakabazz tells the adults that they must pay him tribute each generation, “Do not forget me, for I shall not forget you.” Nobody has much to say about this story aside from Simpson, who laughs and insults The Elders, and who is silenced with a slap across the face by Karen. Everyone disperses after a very creepy moment (one of many) between Karen and Uncle Melvin, who promises to talk to The Elders so everyone can ask for their cash later on.

Everyone kinda does their own thing from here, and Karen decides to take a bath. During which she falls asleep and has some bathtub dream sex with the ghost of Chakabazz, and wakes up to none other than Uncle Melvin staring at her! That’s the universal symbol for GET OUT AND FIND AN ADULT YOU CAN TRUST! She dissolves into horrible cramps, and chews on some roots given to her by one of the other Elders, but they don’t do much for the pain, they’re basically tenderizing her insides for the propagation of her family line via more freaky ghost relations.

From here it’s a mess; everyone comes under attack by African warriors, they can’t decide whether to stay in the house or in the car, Lilly drives away only to crash, then the remaining four run back into the house, Lilly’s mom makes a surprise appearance and screams about them not going to take her baby, at which Uncle Melvin laughs creepily and that’s the last we see of her. Everyone else hides in the car, and they try to drive off until they come across Lilly’s car, then find the body of poor Martin in the back and start running through the forest. Simpson breaks a leg and is being dragged by the rest on a makeshift litter, and they stumble across a bonfire and a full-on ritual.

The Elders summon the spirit of Chakabazz to come and take his sacrifice, and soon all we’re left with is Henry and Karen locked in a room in the main house. Henry is busy writing an email to tell the story of what’s happening, when Karen, all hopped up on Chakabazz, takes an axe to his cranium. THEN THE MOVIE ENDS!! OH, CURSE YOU, ABRUPT AND SORTA AMBIGUOUS ENDING!

Through all of this, the tragedy is that the story is awesome, but the movie was ploddy and boring in parts; too much plot got in the way of the story. It’s still worth a watch once or twice!

We’ve got 3 breasts, 1 beast, and 5 quarts blood; head-hacking, creepy uncle lurking, bathtub nookie, drunken ritual dancing, root eating, leg snapping, knife-fu, throat cutting, head on a stick, hatchet-fu, face slapping, spirit summoning,  cannibal ghost relatives, 6 dead bodies.

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May

posted by Barry Goodall | May 29, 2011 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Lunchmeat magazine, Slasher

Comments Off on “Hellhole” from Lunchmeat VHS magazine issue#3

We’re proud to present in partnership with Lunchmeat VHS magazine the best archival reviews from from the Lunchmeat magazine series. Josh Schafer give us his take on “Hellhole”, or as we like to call it….20 minutes in Radioshack.

Lunchmeat Magazine VHS

Hellhole – (1985) Arkoff International
Director – Pierre De Moro
Screenwriter – Aaron Butler/Lance Dickson
RCA/Columbia Pictures Home Video (1985)

“Captives…stripped naked, forced to submit to the ultimate experiment!”

Fans of women in prison flicks, you just landed on the right page. This little slice of cinematic sleaze is brimming with tons of gratuitous skin, lesbian sexcapades laced with stolen lab drugs, and of course, an unhinged femme doctor that performs inhuman experiments on disobedient inmates in a dark and dreary boiler room. Now does that sound great or what? Your damn straight it does. And whether it is intentional or not (probably the latter), this film even manages to elicit quite a few laughs with some well placed expletives and some amusing quips from the players.

Judy Landers (B.J. and the Bear, Dr. Alien) plays Susan. A most hapless girl who after witnessing her mother being strangled to death by a killer known simply as “Silk” (played with greasy style by Ray Sharkey), ends up in a sanatorium stricken with a wicked case of amnesia. She has no recollection of the horrid event and is told that she had a nasty fall and is being held at the institution for her safety while her mother is out of town. You see, her mother was hiding some documents that could very well ruin some big shot, so he hired Silk to go in and find them. Since he never got to the damned things, Silk is sent into the asylum posing as an orderly to try and extract the details from Susan and to make sure that when her memory does come back, he is there to intercept any possible trouble that may stem from those pernicious papers. Silk is the man, by the way. He is cool as ice (and apparently smooth as silk!) as he saunters around the halls puffing a smoke, sexing up one of the more ravishing inmates (Edy Williams! Ooo-la-la!), and of course, stirring up a little trouble in the asylum with another orderly by the name of Stevens.

Stevens is that goody-goody type and mainly serves as the guy who is out to ruin all the fun. However, he is on the receiving end of some of Silk’s best one liners and caustic gestures which make him pull his weight. While the plot shambles on, this film freely injects lesbian encounters, patient freak outs and, yes, even a full-frontal shower scene (that culminates in a nude catfight!) to create fodder for the menacing Dr. Fletcher (played by sultry cult favorite Mary Woronov!) as she has her uniformed enforcers drag the insubordinate crazies down to hellhole for her bogus experiments where she jams needles into pretty little necks. Woronov (Death Race 2000, Eating Raoul) is terrific in her role as she adds just enough camp to her character to make it fun to watch without inspiring overwhelming disbelief. It’s also worth mentioning that one can infer that Dr. Fletcher uses the failed experiments to satiate her sexual hang-ups. That doctor really knows how to flex those superiority muscles in the right direction. Trouble comes on the horizon when that cat Stevens (see what I did there?) brings one of his legal buddies in for a surprise inspection. Will the inspectors uncover Dr. Fletcher’s dirty little secret? Honestly, who gives a shit? Bring on more naked crazies!

This film has all the ingredients for a titillating WIP flick mixed with that endearing 80s delivery that makes for one hell of an enjoyable trash gem. Where are these types of films nowadays? Nowhere, I tell you, nowhere! That is exactly what makes them so spectacular. I picked this video up out in California at a second-hand record store for a few dollars. I see it on eBay for about $10 every once in a while, but I am sure it will only continue to go up. Get it while the gettin’s good! The people at RCA/Columbia need to wake up over there. I am beginning to see a dismal pattern with the majority of their video releases. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot: look for Robert Z’Dar as Dr. Fletcher’s lead enforcer. He delivers some of the best lines and definitely has Bruce Campbell beat for most commanding chin in horror!

-Josh Schafer

Lunchmeat Magazine

May

Comments Off on “American Gothic” Rest Stop Review Edition

It’s Bible thumpin’ gone wild as people start getting sliced up faster than fresh apple pie with John Hough’s 80’s cult flick “American Gothic.” Cynthia (Sarah Torgov) is along for the ride as a grieving mother who just lost her baby in a bathtub accident. Her friends, a group of plaid advocates decide to vacation up-north to take her mind off her bad parenting skills. Unfortunately, their water plane has to make an emergency landing where they soon discover a quaint island cottage belonging to a family of Walton loonies. “Ma” and “Pa”  have been living there for years raising their family away from the evils of man and making Charles Manson’s home life seem idealic and folksy.

With no phones or electricity, Cynthia and her friends are trapped in an amish nightmare with ma and pa Crazy and their 3 adult children. They’re  not  like Tom Hanks in “Big.”  dancing on giant pianos. They’re more likely to stab you in the eyeball with a unicorn statue just for looking at them wrong. They push people off swings over the side of cliffs and lynch others with jump ropes just for the kicks. Fannie, the menopausal daughter that thinks she’s perpetually twelve wants Cynthia for her new sister so they can put on dress up clothes and change the diapers on her prune faced baby corpse. Not feeling the love, Cynthia narrowly escapes with her friend Terri and a flare gun as they try to find a boat but manage only to blow one up instead. If only they made a raft from coconuts like the professor did.

They flee into the woods and Terri’s neck gets snapped like a twig just so some fat guy can drool on her  while he plays bumper cars with her fun melons. The older brothers capture Cynthia who goes totally beserk-o  and joins in for some family fun time of dressing up corpses in the basement and stabbing people with knitting needles. Finally, all those years of home economics classes are starting to pay off. Martha Stewart is only one decopauged drink coatster away from this level of nutty.

Barry Goodall says give American Gothic a try, it’s your patriotic duty.  Just remember, never trust an amish man with a pitch fork and stay off homemade swings overlooking the sides of cliffs.

Roadside Attractions:

– death by playground equipment
– baby mummies
– knitting needle-fu
– shotgun to the back
– jump rope hanging
– flare gun-fu
– washtub bashing
– eye stabbin’
– neck snappin’
– human doll displays
– redneck whippin’

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