Archive for the 'Horror movies' Category

Apr

Comments Off on “The Horror Show” Rest Stop Review Edition

Yes, it’s another in a long line of death penalties run amuck films with “The Horror Show.” also known on the street as House 3 or House Tres for our spanish readers, it still has nothing to do with any of the other previous films or the even worse House IV: we’re running out of ideas.  Lance Henriksen plays detective Mcarthy who just recently locked away U.S.  history’s worse serial killer, Max Jenke. Ever since the arrest he’s been having bad dreams of playing hot potatoes with severed heads and dismembered cop hands. He hopes to finally get a good nights sleep after Jenke’s execution but it’s not an easy job with several false starts trying to jump start the electric chair (if you keep cranking it like that you’re just gonna flood it.) He’s finally turned extra crispy dead when they kick the electric chair into high and ignoring that fried psycho smell. Later in the morgue, Jenke’s spirit leaps into the electrical outlet and posses the Mcarthy’s family furnace where he can continue to haunt Mcarthy like a bad Wham song. Jenkes talks trash as a possessed roasted turkey, kills as stand up comedian, and occasionally materializes to hack up teenage boyfriends hiding out in basements.

All this makes Mcarthy thinks he’s going a bit crazy but a science geek who majored in electro-demonology confirms Jenke is very much alive and now in electrical form. Luckily he tells the detective all that just before he gets chopped up with a meat cleaver. The police suspect Mcarthy is actually a killer now since everyone he knows keep ending up dead so after a good cop bad cop interrogation, they send him home with a stearn warning and some dougnut coupons. Mcarthy ends up fighting Jenke in his netherworld power plant while his family is stuck in some sort of purgatory waiting room. The only way to kill this guy? Electrocute him again to bring him into the real world for a major smack down…. because if you failed the first time, try,try, try again.

Roadside Attractions:
Deep fried cop hands
Cajun style electrocution
Talkin’ turkey
Mutant preggers
Multiple chest choppings
Television shoot-out
Multiple electrocutions
Death by hard rock
Heads rolls
Heads explode
Cleaver-fu
Furnance-fu

The writer must have been having a severe case of Wes Craven envy when he slapped this script together with ideas ripped right out of Nightmare on Elm St and Shocker but Barry Goodall still says check it out… or watch a slap chop video. Either are just about as terrifying.

“The Horror Show” proving once again why the death penalty isn’t a good deterrent…but it sure is entertaining.

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Apr

Comments Off on Deadtime Stories: Tales of Death

Deadtime Stories isn’t just a bad horror anthology it’s also a subliminal government warning to parents to be careful who watches your kids, especially creepy uncles. Mike (Michael Mesmer)  is watching over his nephew Brian whose been having trouble sleeping lately. Could be the 2 liter of Mt. Dew he downed or that his rooms makes growling noises when the lights go out. A bedtime story should naturally ease his fears of having his face devoured but instead of tales of cute bunnies and dancing hippos learning valuable life lessons, Uncle Mike’s stories will likely turn Brian into a sex crazed psychopath. Hey, at least he’ll be a well rested sex crazed psychopath.

The first tale of terror stars Scott Valentine of Family Ties fame, still looking very 80’s but happily living the Medievil lifestyle. Scott plays Peter, an indentured servant to a couple of witches with a bad case of the uglies. They send Peter out to fetch them a local schmuck that they can woo with their feminine charms and sexy facial moles.  The witches disguise themselves as harem girls with a beer goggle spell then proceed to pour some weird ointment on his arm that eats through his wrist like some expired Preperation H. Then they use his severed hand as a voodoo GPS to find and dig up their sister’s remains for a late night family reunion. After a fun night of grave robbing, Peter is  instructed to lure a virgin to back to their cave so he can show her his medieval beer mugs and make her a virgin sacrifice to raise the dead sister. Realizing it could also be his last chance to ever have sex, Peter knives one of the witches in the head whose blood results in a reanimated Alice Cooper with jerry curls that tries to strangle everyone. So yeah…it really is a lot like a family reunion.

The next tale of terror from uncle Mike  is a Larry Flint version of little red riding hood. Rachel is a day dreaming jogger who has sexual fantasies about her puffy faced boyfriend. On a trip to the drugstore before her big date night she runs into Willi (Matt Mitler.) Willi is an incognito werewolf in dire need of some industrial strength tranquilizers and nair hair remover. His prescriptions get mixed up with Rachel’s Grandma so he has to go track her down before the full moon rises that night. Willi starts sprouting Ewok fur and makes the grandma into puppy chow. Meanwhile Rachel and her boyfriend are shagging out in the tool shed on a blowup mattress to 80’s soft rock. After an akward montage, Rachel heads back up to Grandma’s house while the werewolf uses her boyfriend’s intestines for dental floss. They fight to the  death on the living room rug never once jumping on the furniture and grandma is rushed to the hospital for some rabie shots. You just won’t see that on Jerry Springer.

Back to reality again, Uncle Tim is nearly at his breaking point with his insomniac nephew. How will he ever finish watching miss nude Universe with all these interruptions?  His final story for Brian revolves around a girl named Goldie Lox. She has the power of telekinesis along with some mad skills in human taxidermy while living in a house belonging to a family of loonies known as the Bear gang. Golide’s been propping up dead ex-boyfriends in funny poses and using up all their hot water for extended shower scenes. The family return after breaking their kids out of the psycho-ward and are charmed by Goldie’s dimwittedness and passion for  playing with dead things. The cops are eventually tipped off but arrive a bit late for a Waco re-enactment. Sadly, the family is just pigging out at a diner when the cops start blowing bullet holes into the side of the house for an extreme home makeover. The Bears skip paying their bill and commit a parking lot hit-and-run just before pealing off into the sunset never to be seen from again. Not sure what the lesson was on this one other than the perils of jay walking and high water bills. I think Uncle Mike was a bit drunk by then anyhow.

If little Brian isn’t sleeping now maybe some mild tranquilizer and warm milk might do the trick. Of course, if that doesn’t work maybe he should just let the monster in his room eat his spleen. Barry Goodall says pop Deadtime Stories into the VCR only if you’re feeling a bit too chipper and think there might be a bit of goodness left in humanity. It’s the equivalent of cinematic prozac.

roadside attractions

  • knife to the head
  • Creepy Uncle babysitters
  • Bucket-o-eyes
  • witch-heart face huggers
  • neck stabbin’
  • wood shackin’ up
  • extreme matress inflation
  • chest punch with heart removal
  • werewolf junkies
  • telekinetic taxidermy
totals

7

blood

BLOOD

Gallons of  werid witch goo, neck slashin’s, taxidermied boyfriends.

6

blood

BREASTS

gratutious shower scene and love making in the tool shed.

4

beast

BEASTS

werewolves, witches and escaped psychos…throw in a creepy uncle.

2.9 OVERALL
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Deadtime Stories: Tales of Death…so nice they named it twice.

Check out the trailer for “Deadtime Stories”

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Apr

Comments Off on “April Fool’s Day” Rest Stop Review Edition

Hi, I’m Mary O’Reilly O’Toole O’Shea…April fool’s! It’s Donna Bleed! I’ve never been too good at pranks, never have needed to be. After all, there are many ways of being clever! Our flick for tonight, in case you hadn’t guessed is April Fool’s Day!

Muffy St. John has invited her closest friends to her island mansion for a weekend getaway on Spring Break. We get introduced to Nikki right off the bat, she’s the sassy, sexy one; then Chaz, the cute artistic womanizer; Arch, the hunky jock who’ll sleep with anything that has a pulse; Kit, the good girl; Nan, the nerdy prude; Hal, the gold-digger; Rob, the sensitive guy; and Skip, Muffy’s distant cousin.

Skip and Arch are playing mumbledy-peg when it all goes wrong. Don’t throw knives, kids! Rob and Buck dive in to the rescue, but oh! It turns out to be a prank! Skip and Arch cooked up a fake knife and a blood bag without anyone noticing! Buck the deckhand decides to stay in the water to tie the ferry to the dock, but Captain Cal drives it right into him, and Buck’s face meets the propeller. A lot of screaming and blood, but luckily, Sherriff Sam is right there on the scene, whisking Cal and Buck off to the hospital, and making sure the yuppies know to stay put on the island. (The island that has no way off of it, aside from the ferry that now has no captain, but we’ll overlook that)

Basically, what we have here is the flower of over-privileged 80’s college students out to take over the world, and who have no idea what they want to do with their lives, trapped in a mansion that’s been rigged to annoy and upset them. They have special party favors hidden in their rooms and the one in Nan’s sends her into a pure-d tizzy; a tape of a crying baby hidden in her closet, hinting at some dark past.  Nikki has a drawer full of S&M gear, and everyone else is confused and mildly put out by theirs. Arch goes on a great nookie hunt, and stumbles in on Chaz and Nikki in a position that the doctor from Human Centipede would be proud of. I’ve never seen anyone make the sign of the triple-gilled anteater like that before or since.

Then things take a turn; Skip meets with misfortune in the boathouse during the night. Muffy has made a vicious personality change, and nobody much seems to care that Skip is missing until Rob and Kat attempt to make the sign of the electrocuted mud weasel and his dead body floats past. Then in classic style, they all split up.

I have to admit, this movie isn’t much on thrilling action so much as it is all about the psychological. Red herrings abound as they blame the ferry captain and Buck for the mayhem. People are getting picked off one by one; the water goes out and Nikki ends up in the well with Nan’s body and the decapitated heads of Skip and Arch. Then Hal, Chaz, and Nikki eat it in imaginary ways; we even have a pruning of the wangdoodle.

Soon, none but Rob, Kit, and Muffy are left. We get thrilling chases, during which there are pictures found of Muffy and…Buffy? Who’s Buffy? Oh, only Muffy’s psycho twin sister, who has decided that she and all her friends all have to go…permanently. It all ends with Rob locked in the pantry, and a showdown between Kit and Buffy, and in her final moments Kit stumbles into the den where she finds…

Everyone. They’re all alive and well, and laughing it up. Rob is released from the pantry by Buck, who is scaring him half crazy, when he takes off the prosthetic makeup and slaps it on Rob’s face and gives him a big ol’ smacker before chasing him to the Den. Everyone yells “April Fool’s,” and Muffy lets the cat out of the bag. There is no Buffy, but her twin is Skip. She’s going to lose her inheritance unless she can

maintain the upkeep on the mansion, so she’s decided to turn the mansion into a murder mystery house, and her friends are the guinea pigs. Aww, what a wholesome activity.

There’s one final prank, but I’ll let you see it for yourselves.

Roadside Totals:2 breasts, no dead bodies, no quarts blood, 3 quarts fake blood, 3 mannequin heads,  1 simulated wangdoodle removal, prank-fu, feathered hair-fu, exploding cigars, jack-in-the-box scares.

I think it’s what inspired M. Knight to make every movie have a twist.

Mar

Comments Off on “Let’s Scare Jessica to Death” rest stop review edition

soup is done.

What is it about isolated houses on creepy islands that draw evil like flies to potato salad.  It’s a wonder anyone moves out of the city at all with all these free range demons and masked psychos roaming the hills. Some blame urban sprawl but it’s probably just to keep up ridiculously high townhouse prices.

“Let’s Scare Jessica to Death” just furthers this notion that country living ain’t safe for city folks. Jessica (Zhora Lampert) has just been released from a mental institute and her husband thinks driving her out to a fruit orchard in a hearse  might do her some good.

They take a ferry out to an island that has a town filled with geriatric mall walkers that don’t take kindly to strangers. Jessica and her husband,  Tim, also bring along their hippy 3rd wheeler (Kevin o ‘Conner) mostly so he can napalm their apple orchard with more chemicals than were dropped on Vietnam.

They discover the house is already home to a pale skinned squatter (Maricelliol Costello) who looks a bit like a young Reba Mcentire. She even plays guitar, so that means no TV, plenty of apple pies and sing alongs around the kitchen table. That is  at least until the peppermint Schnapps wears off.

Soon Jessica starts to hear voices in her head while  she’s frolicing out in a lake infested with floatie dead girls. (I caught one of them on a spinner lure once.) Later on, their undead house guest puts the moves on Tim. He’s a balding unemployed cello player  so you can see the obvious attraction. Tim thinks Jessica has already slipped back into wackoville so he makes the sign of the two headed wombat with the creepy skinny vampire on the living room floor. It’s like making love to a red headed pipe cleaner. Pretty soon everyone is doubting Jessica’s sanity  including Jessica. She starts seeing dead antique dealer just washed up onshore (a hutch appraisal gone horribly wrong) and shows off her new pet rat that just got mysteriously slaughtered in a pickle jar. Everyone start getting vampire hickies and Jessica is left alone to fight the neck sucking ghost while fending off groping old men in fishing vests. Creepy atmosphere tied together with hippy folk singin’ makes this movie ground chuck full of weird. Roadside Attractions: casket cello cases, marco polo water sports, vampire hickies, chemical spray frolicing,  hippie hating townfolks, geriatric flash mobs, rowboat workouts. It’s Carnival of Souls meets Woodstock without the laced brownies. Barry Goodall says to check it out and be sure to wash your apples before eating.

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Mar

Comments Off on Food of the Gods: Guest review by Tiger Sixon

Tiger SixonTiger Sixon was locked up in a secret desert base with only the government’s cache of weapons grade B-movies to keep him entertained. No one knows why the government locked up one of their best operatives, but it is rumored to involve aliens, a spaceship, and a hefty bar tab. He lost an eye in an accident with a lobster and pogo stick. Now here’s Tiger’s first b-movie review from the confines of his jail cell. Food of the Gods.
Food of the Gods

Any time a film starts with “based on a portion of a novel” you know yer in for somethin’ special. That’s the case with FOOD OF THE GODS. It is based on “a portion” of H. G. Wells’ book of the same name.

But what portion? A sentence? A paragraph? That would be like reading Moby Dick and making a movie based on the ship’s cook, but still calling it Moby Dick.

food of the godsBut let’s get down to brass tacks—FOOD OF THE GODS ain’t a cookin’ film. This ain’t no JULIA AND JULIA. Heck, it ain’t even ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES. This is a nature revenge film.

It is kind of like THE HAPPENING, except there’s no Marky Mark and it didn’t piss me off.

The film starts out with narration by our hero, “My name is Morgan, and I play football.” That reminds me of my last group psych evaluation here at the base: “Hi, my name is Tiger and I [CLASSIFIED].”

The opening credits at a snow covered football field feature bouts of freeze frame action—not to build tension, but to draw attention to the fact that the producers dropped some serious Loonies to shoot at a Canadian football field.

Morgan, who looks like the ‘70s version of Sean Penn, treats us to another voice over, going on to explain that his father, who was apparently a prophet, warned him that someday, nature would have enough and seek revenge. The only thing my dad could predict was the end of a six pack.

Morgan goes on vacation, probably because the rest of the team hates him. The movie doesn’t say so, but you can tell by the look in their eyes that they hate Morgan. Just like I could at my first grade graduation.

Morgan opts to spend a cold weekend on some island in the Pacific North-West with the team’s PR guy and another buddy in tow (does anyone ever say Atlantic North-East?).

food of the godsOn the island they hunt a deer on horseback with a team of foxhounds. Reminds of the last time I was invited to Camp David.

Things take a turn for the interesting when Morgan’s football buddy gets killed by a giant wasp—which is a combination of a giant puppet and a super-imposed photo doing the Cha-cha.

It took a mere seven minutes to get to the first kill of this film. Some folks ain’t got time to bleed; me, I ain’t got time for plot.

Morgan looks for inside a barn, and he finds giant chickens. Get the Colonel on the phone. The chickens proceed to ruin Morgan’s jacket, but his flowing locks remain unscathed. The chickens switch between giant puppets and a split screen of real chickens. Morgan then meets Mrs. Skinner and asks about the massive fowls in the barn.

Mrs. Skinner explains that the feathery behemoths are the result of normal chickens being fed the Food of the Gods. Huzzah. We have a title invocation.

Food of the GodsWe find out later that the Food of the Gods is thick custard that comes out of a hill in the Skinners’ backyard. If only BEVERLY HILLBILLIES had used the same plot device.

Speaking of the Skinners, Mr. Skinner went to the mainland in hopes of selling the Food of the Gods to a chemical company. He dies via a herd of giant rats when he stops to fix a flat tire. Never stop to fix a flat. CGI can never replace the charm of watching rats chew apart a toy Volkswagen.

Morgan returns to the mainland with the body of his dead pal. The PR guy comes to the football field, which days later is still covered in snow, and says their buddy was killed with enough stings for 250 Police concerts.

Morgan and PR guy return to the island and meet an unmarried couple in a Winnebago, and the lady is pregnant. Instant Drama! Just add a preggo lady.

A pair of folks from the chemical company Mr. Skinner visited also shows up, and hilarity ensues.

And by hilarity, I mean herds of giant rats eating everything in sight. The rats are THE reason to watch this film. They are a combination of puppets and split screen footage of real rats attacking model cars and houses. They run in slow-motion and growl like jaguars.

There is even a lone white rat in the bunch. Hey, maybe this film was based on a portion of Moby Dick too?

Morgan must of read the Anarchist Cookbook in high school, because he is quite apt at makin’ pipe bombs–which he uses to blow up a dam. He figures, while the rats can swim, they are not used to swimming at 150 pounds and will sink. Gravity is a harsh mistress. I learned that the first time I flew a [CLASSIFIED].

Morgan’s theory proves correct, and we’re treated to footage of rats in an aquarium.

But wait, just like my mother in law, the white rat shows up at the last minute. Morgan smashes its head in with the stock of his shotgun. That’ll learn it.

Morgan treats the dead rats to a Viking funeral, and muses aloud, “I guess that’s the end of them.”

Wrong. A jar of the Food of the Gods washes up near a group of cows, which promptly chow down. Said cows are then milked, and the film cuts to a scene of school children drinking milk. This is why I only drink the green stuff the base doctor says keeps me from screaming.

Looks like their mom’s are gonna be buyin’ XXXXXL sweaters this Christmas.

Tiger Sixon says, give this flick a watch—but skip it if growling rats running in slow-motion creep ya out.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Puppet punching
  • Hen pecking
  • Giant wasps, chickens, maggots, and rats
  • 1 knife wielding house wife
  • 1 exploding wasp nest
  • Bucket dumping
  • Jar breaking
  • 1 toy Volkswagen
  • 1 toy Winnebago
  • Growling rats
  • Rat Drowning
  • Rat-B-Que
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

the blood is spaced out, but between the giant maggots chewing Mrs. Skinner’s arm and the rats eating people alive, there is plenty to go around—and it is ‘70s neon red blood. And let’s not forget the red paint balls shot at all the rats.

4

blood

BREASTS

the only breasts we see in this PG-rated film are those of the giant chickens. White meat or dark?

10

beast

BEASTS

Just like a family reunion, there are tons of beasts here. Giant chickens, giant wasps, giant maggots, and a legion of giant rats.

7.7 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Food of the Gods”

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About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>