Archive for the 'Horror movies' Category

Mar

Comments Off on Food of the Gods: Guest review by Tiger Sixon

Tiger SixonTiger Sixon was locked up in a secret desert base with only the government’s cache of weapons grade B-movies to keep him entertained. No one knows why the government locked up one of their best operatives, but it is rumored to involve aliens, a spaceship, and a hefty bar tab. He lost an eye in an accident with a lobster and pogo stick. Now here’s Tiger’s first b-movie review from the confines of his jail cell. Food of the Gods.
Food of the Gods

Any time a film starts with “based on a portion of a novel” you know yer in for somethin’ special. That’s the case with FOOD OF THE GODS. It is based on “a portion” of H. G. Wells’ book of the same name.

But what portion? A sentence? A paragraph? That would be like reading Moby Dick and making a movie based on the ship’s cook, but still calling it Moby Dick.

food of the godsBut let’s get down to brass tacks—FOOD OF THE GODS ain’t a cookin’ film. This ain’t no JULIA AND JULIA. Heck, it ain’t even ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES. This is a nature revenge film.

It is kind of like THE HAPPENING, except there’s no Marky Mark and it didn’t piss me off.

The film starts out with narration by our hero, “My name is Morgan, and I play football.” That reminds me of my last group psych evaluation here at the base: “Hi, my name is Tiger and I [CLASSIFIED].”

The opening credits at a snow covered football field feature bouts of freeze frame action—not to build tension, but to draw attention to the fact that the producers dropped some serious Loonies to shoot at a Canadian football field.

Morgan, who looks like the ‘70s version of Sean Penn, treats us to another voice over, going on to explain that his father, who was apparently a prophet, warned him that someday, nature would have enough and seek revenge. The only thing my dad could predict was the end of a six pack.

Morgan goes on vacation, probably because the rest of the team hates him. The movie doesn’t say so, but you can tell by the look in their eyes that they hate Morgan. Just like I could at my first grade graduation.

Morgan opts to spend a cold weekend on some island in the Pacific North-West with the team’s PR guy and another buddy in tow (does anyone ever say Atlantic North-East?).

food of the godsOn the island they hunt a deer on horseback with a team of foxhounds. Reminds of the last time I was invited to Camp David.

Things take a turn for the interesting when Morgan’s football buddy gets killed by a giant wasp—which is a combination of a giant puppet and a super-imposed photo doing the Cha-cha.

It took a mere seven minutes to get to the first kill of this film. Some folks ain’t got time to bleed; me, I ain’t got time for plot.

Morgan looks for inside a barn, and he finds giant chickens. Get the Colonel on the phone. The chickens proceed to ruin Morgan’s jacket, but his flowing locks remain unscathed. The chickens switch between giant puppets and a split screen of real chickens. Morgan then meets Mrs. Skinner and asks about the massive fowls in the barn.

Mrs. Skinner explains that the feathery behemoths are the result of normal chickens being fed the Food of the Gods. Huzzah. We have a title invocation.

Food of the GodsWe find out later that the Food of the Gods is thick custard that comes out of a hill in the Skinners’ backyard. If only BEVERLY HILLBILLIES had used the same plot device.

Speaking of the Skinners, Mr. Skinner went to the mainland in hopes of selling the Food of the Gods to a chemical company. He dies via a herd of giant rats when he stops to fix a flat tire. Never stop to fix a flat. CGI can never replace the charm of watching rats chew apart a toy Volkswagen.

Morgan returns to the mainland with the body of his dead pal. The PR guy comes to the football field, which days later is still covered in snow, and says their buddy was killed with enough stings for 250 Police concerts.

Morgan and PR guy return to the island and meet an unmarried couple in a Winnebago, and the lady is pregnant. Instant Drama! Just add a preggo lady.

A pair of folks from the chemical company Mr. Skinner visited also shows up, and hilarity ensues.

And by hilarity, I mean herds of giant rats eating everything in sight. The rats are THE reason to watch this film. They are a combination of puppets and split screen footage of real rats attacking model cars and houses. They run in slow-motion and growl like jaguars.

There is even a lone white rat in the bunch. Hey, maybe this film was based on a portion of Moby Dick too?

Morgan must of read the Anarchist Cookbook in high school, because he is quite apt at makin’ pipe bombs–which he uses to blow up a dam. He figures, while the rats can swim, they are not used to swimming at 150 pounds and will sink. Gravity is a harsh mistress. I learned that the first time I flew a [CLASSIFIED].

Morgan’s theory proves correct, and we’re treated to footage of rats in an aquarium.

But wait, just like my mother in law, the white rat shows up at the last minute. Morgan smashes its head in with the stock of his shotgun. That’ll learn it.

Morgan treats the dead rats to a Viking funeral, and muses aloud, “I guess that’s the end of them.”

Wrong. A jar of the Food of the Gods washes up near a group of cows, which promptly chow down. Said cows are then milked, and the film cuts to a scene of school children drinking milk. This is why I only drink the green stuff the base doctor says keeps me from screaming.

Looks like their mom’s are gonna be buyin’ XXXXXL sweaters this Christmas.

Tiger Sixon says, give this flick a watch—but skip it if growling rats running in slow-motion creep ya out.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • Puppet punching
  • Hen pecking
  • Giant wasps, chickens, maggots, and rats
  • 1 knife wielding house wife
  • 1 exploding wasp nest
  • Bucket dumping
  • Jar breaking
  • 1 toy Volkswagen
  • 1 toy Winnebago
  • Growling rats
  • Rat Drowning
  • Rat-B-Que
totals

9

blood

BLOOD

the blood is spaced out, but between the giant maggots chewing Mrs. Skinner’s arm and the rats eating people alive, there is plenty to go around—and it is ‘70s neon red blood. And let’s not forget the red paint balls shot at all the rats.

4

blood

BREASTS

the only breasts we see in this PG-rated film are those of the giant chickens. White meat or dark?

10

beast

BEASTS

Just like a family reunion, there are tons of beasts here. Giant chickens, giant wasps, giant maggots, and a legion of giant rats.

7.7 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Food of the Gods”

trailers

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Feb

Comments Off on Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

Prom Night 2

It’s 1957 and Mar Lou Maloney (Lisa Schrage) is your resident bad girl who has a hankering for high school guys with receding hairlines. Just in luck, she’s dating Bill, apparently the only senior held back 20 times over. Fortunately she also loves him for his money, but on the side she’s been two timing with a greaser named Buddy. Mostly for the kicks and the free alcohol. This is the type of girl they warn you about on Laverne and Shirley. Her boyfriend finds out she’s been bumpin’ fenders with him back stage at the prom and accidentally sets her on fire with a stink bomb. Her dress goes up like it was crepe paper doused in kerosene but hey it’s the 1950’s, everything was flammable back then. Everyone pretty much stands around like it’s a marshmallow roast while she dies smoldering on the stage just before spotting the dumbfounded Bill in the rafters. That’s the moment when you know a relationship is over.

prom night 230 years later Bill, now played by Michael Creepy Ironsides, has taken on principle duty at the same high school after a failed career as a fire fighter, and Buddy the greaser has become a priest. Bill has been trying to fight the impulse to hit his teenage son Craig, with the heel of his shoe and Craig’s been dating homely girl Vicky (Wendy Lyon.) Vicky really puts the “V” back in Virgin. Her momma is so puritanical I expected her to start churning homemade butter any moment. She wants to go to the prom but her mom thinks her green mu-mu dress is perfectly fine and won’t buy her a new one on the slight chance she might expose some ankles and end up pregnant (pink silk is from the devil). Vicky, out of desperation, searches the attic of the high school and stumbles upon an old steamer chest full of prom night memorabilia including a prom crown and royal cap that  still has the fresh scent of Hell. It also possesses the peeved-off spirit of Mary Lou which is then released into the wild to possess Vicky. Possession usually involves head spinning and projectile vomiting but in this case it just gives Vicky Tourette’s syndrome and makes her dress like Donna Reed. Vicky’s friends start dying off one by one and she hallucinates she’s caught up in volleyball nets or served rotting food in the high school cafeteria. “Oh no, it’s not a dream Vicky this really is highschool!!!”

Her demonic rocking horse gets a little tongue frisky and she gets sucked into a chalkboard whirlpool of alphabet soup emerging with a full blown case of Mary-lou-itis. Then it’s all “girls gone wild” as she attacks her friends in the locker room in full-blown nakedness crushing them like a used juice box. Back at home, she throws her momma through the front door like it’s a pygmy dwarf toss. Pastor Buddy realized this was going to happen way too early on and of course is killed off swiftly in a confessional smack down along with a crucifix tracheotomy. Vicky still makes it back in time to help put up prom decorations and get frisky with her boyfriend backstage. Say what you want about Mary Lou, she’s great at time management and Vicky certainly has never been more popular.Prom Night 2

That night, the prom is in full 80’s swing, hair is gelled high, collars are popped and Vicky Lou is hoping to finally get her crown while hopefully staying clear of any open flames. Bill, realizing his son is now dating his ex-dead demon girlfriend brings a gun to the dance for some demon target practice. Oddly enough, the thought of going
out to buy or rent books on exorcisms, instead of packing heat and going to a school filled with teenagers, does not occur to him Faster than you can say “Carrie Blood Bath dance off”, The evil Vicky Lou gets shot in the chest while her boyfriend tries to work up some tears. Fortunately you can’t keep a bad girl down, so she sheds her skin revealing a well baked Mary Lou who starts offing the students with her super psychic powers. Yup seen that before. Catholics, possessions and proms, you always end up with a high body count. Mary Lou is one hot lady so it’s best to watch with oven mitts. Barry Goodall says give Prom Night 2 a chance. If you don’t like it, you can always leave the dance and go home with someone else.

roadside attractions

  • Prom-a-que
  • Death by confeitti
  • Neon impalement
  • Demon rocking horse with glandular problems
  • Static cling bed sheets
  • Chalkboard jacuzzi
  • Locker crushing
  • Exploding tombstones
  • Mac attack
totals

6

blood

BLOOD

Locker crushing, a couple stabbings, but they didn’t use the giant paper cutter!? How can you not use the giant paper cutter!!?

9

blood

BREASTS

So many..I feel sorta dizzy…must sit down.

8

beast

BEASTS

Mary Lou what a fine trailer wife you could be.

8.9 OVERALL
dripper

Hello Mary Lou..good bye heart…on a stick.

Check out the trailer for “Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II”

trailers

dripper
Jan

posted by admin | January 31, 2011 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Slasher, Slasher films

Comments Off on Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan


Before hocking up demon lugees and jacking bodies (shakes head) in “Jason Goes to Hell”, Jason went on a carnage cruise, and stopped by the Big Apple to paint the city blood red in “Friday the 13th part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan.”

Jason is snoozing at the bottom of Crystal Lake, when whatta know he gets jolted awake by an underwater power cable. Now, wait a second… When did Crystal Lake get underwater power lines? And wasn’t Jason already brought back to life once before using electricity? Well, I guess writer/director Rob Hedden figured that it did the job in “Jason Lives”, so why not use electricity to bring Jason back again in his movie. Though the ironic thing is that later on in the movie Jason gets “killed” by electricity. But I’m pretty sure it was a different kind of electricity.

Well, it isn’t long before a fully charged up Jason comes to the surface, hops on a boat, conveniently finds a new hockey mask (because remember he lost his other mask in the New Blood) and quickly kills two horny teens. He then takes their boat for a short joy ride and uses his ninja-like skills to sneak onto a cruise ship that is filled with (surprise) more teens. Once aboard Jason quickly turns the high school senior trip into a death cruise. The soggy slasher is on his way to racking up a personal best in body count department when, oh, snap!, he botches a kill that causes the ship to start sinking like the Titanic. Of course the remaining survivors freak out and jump into the nearest lifeboat. As they are rowing away, ol’ Jason stays with the ship for some reason. He probably thinks he’s the captain. After Rennie and Co. row for what seems like forever (actually, about a minute) they finally reach the land of high crime rates, pollution, and graffiti covered subway cars, otherwise known as NYC. Not long after docking their boat they receive a very warm welcome from a couple of street thugs who waste no time robbing them using the IRS’s method of collecting money. And to make things worse they kidnap Rennie. Typical horror movie bad luck isn’t it? But that’s not their only problem because guess who tagged along? Yup, Jason. This is a Friday the 13th movie, so who else did you expect? Anyway, he didn’t use his much rumored teleporting ability to get there either. More on that a little bit later. While everybody was busy escaping, the J-man jumped ship and hitched a ride underneath of their rowboat. So much for him going down with the ship.

After the shakedown the rest of the group splits up to look for help. Man, that was a HUGE mistake as Jason manages to find and kill everyone in the group with no problem at all until Rennie and Sean are the only ones who are left. The recently reunited lovebirds are sharing a tender moment in a back alley filled with garbage (how romantic) when third wheel Jason shows up and ruins the smooch-fest. Not surprisingly, they high tail it outta there. Meanwhile, Jason follows them at a distance, strolling at his usual leisurely pace enjoying the sights and sounds of the city. And just when I though they had given him the slip he catches up to Rennie and Sean and follows them into an underground sewer where he quickly ends up getting lost. You know, it’s funny how Jason had no trouble tracking everybody down in city he’d never been to before earlier but now he can’t even find his way around a small underground sewer. I guess his SPS (Slasher Positioning System) couldn’t get a good signal down there.

Now before I forget, I have to mention this whole teleporting phenomena. In the movie Jason has two speeds. Slow, and warp speed. One minute he’s there, the next he’s not, especially when he’s getting ready to kill somebody. At first I was wondering if he had somehow learned a new ability since the last movie. But I’ve seen JTM several times now and I personally think it’s how the film’s edited to make it seem like Jason could be anywhere at any given time? Though towards the end of the movie Jason really starts to slow his pace for some reason. And I wasn’t sure what was going on until I saw the goofy makeup design they made him wear and then it hit me, Jason was dragging his feet because he was dreading his face reveal. And who could blame him. Sadly, he ends up looking about as menacing as the Cookie Monster which was a big letdown, especially after makeup effects effects wizard John Carl Beuchler set the bar so high with his awesome take on Jason in The New Blood. Remember the propeller damage, the machete slash and the ax wound? Well, you won’t see any of that attention to detail this time around. Jason’s once exposed bones are now amazingly covered with skin. I’m guessing no one was supposed to notice that he put on some weight in between sequels. Another thing that bothered me is when little Jason is shown in the flashback sequences he looks cartoonish with his Beetlejuice-like teeth, droopy eye, and long hair. Hmmm… That’s odd, I always remember young Jason having an algae covered Charlie Brown type noggin when he jumped out of Crystal Lake in the original Friday the 13th. Quick, someone call the continuity police! From what I’ve read the makeup “supervisors” who were working on JTM didn’t even bother watching any of the previous movies for research to see how Jason looked in the earlier sequels. But, hey at least they got the part about Jason being dead right.

The walking corpse behind the mask is again played by Kane Hooder. Though I liked his version of Jason in The New Blood a lot better. With the New Blood, Jason just had such an intense on screen presence. He was this pissed off, relentless force who killed anyone that got in his way, that is until he faced off against telekinetic, hottie Tina and ended up getting his butt kicked big time. In Jason Takes Manhattan a vacationing Jason is more concerned with sight-seeing and making us laugh, like when he shows his rotten face to a group of street punks who were playing their music too loud. Apparently, they didn’t know Jason’s not a fan of rap music. Now don’t get me wrong I can appreciate humor just as much as the next person but when it comes to horror movies I really prefer straight-forward scares or at least some kind of suspense. If I want a good laugh I’ll pop in a Jeff Dunham DVD.

Jason Takes Manhattan tried some different things like sending Jason on a cruise and having him visit the Big Apple. However, there were ideas that didn’t work very well like when Rennie was having random hallucinations of a young Jason attacking her as a young girl. Problem is it doesn’t fit within the Friday the 13th time line that was established in earlier movies. And besides that the explanation that’s given for why she was having these “visions” of little Jason won’t make any sense, even if you’re stoned out of your mind. I know this sequel is filled with plenty of flaws and missed opportunities, but I still give Rob Hedden a lot of credit for taking some much needed creative risks with his entry because by this time in the series, fans as well as Jason were suffering from a serious case of cabin fever.

roadside attractions

  • A Deck Hand gets the ax, quite literally
  • 1 harpoon to the back
  • A couple of impalings
  • 3 stabbings
  • A guy gets killer heartburn via a hot sauna rock
  • 2 electrocutions
  • 2 drownings by toxic waste
  • 1 Jack ‘O Jason face reveal
  • 1 slit throat
  • Jason gets a jump start via an underwater power line
totals

2

blood
BLOOD

Maybe, a half gallon of the red stuff. The gore in this sequel was pretty tame for a Friday the 13th movie.

4

blood
BREASTS

One boobie in real time and 3 skeeter-bites that you can only see if you click the slow-motion button.

4

beast
BEASTS

This sequel has 4 monsters, Jason, Rennie’s Uncle Charles, and a couple of street thugs

8.1 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan”

trailers

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Jan

Comments Off on Revenge of the B-movie Trailers

We’ve found some more movie trailers both old and new for you to check out. Enjoy!

Mega Piranha

Well, the masters of blockbuster rip-offs, Asylum Films, are at it again. This time they’re looking to “reel-in” viewers with their killer fish clone, “Mega Piranha.” The basic premise is a school of not very friendly, mutated, and wingless, but flying fish (thanks to some really bad CGI effects) is blamed for several bizarre deaths. If you’re thinking the plot smells fishy that’s because it’s practically been lifted from “Piranha 2: The Spawning”, which was made almost 30 years ago. Anyway, various piranhas are shown attacking a building and a high-flying helicopter. It’s hilarious watching them soar through the air in every direction like they’ve been fired out of cannons. Not surprisingly, the dumb and helpless humans in the movie quickly end up becoming fish food, except for a guy who channels Jackie Chan and uses kick attacks would like to suggest a career change.  Maybe train to be a chef, perhaps go back to school for a business administration degree, or perhaps a fireman.  Anything that does not involve the cinematic arts. Only director, Uwe Boll (“House of the Dead”) would make a movie this bad and expect it to be taken seriously. If you like cheesy, bottom-of-the-fish-barrel, SyFy channel-style films, then “Mega Piranha” will have you, hook, line, and sinker.

Mutant Swinger From Mars

The title alone made me curious about seeing this preview. At first I was wondering if this was some kind of soft-core porn movie from the 50’s that I had somehow missed. Well, after watching the trailer I’m a little disappointed that it’s not a long-forgotten porn movie, but I’m happy to write that it looks to be an another gut-busting satire that takes inspiration from those old 50’s sci-fi movies. It seems Martians (who look like rejects from an old episode of “Star Trek”) have invaded planet Earth again to kidnap as many earth women as possible. They probably got the idea after watching “Earth Girls Are Easy.” Now, there’s one thing that I can’t figure out, and that’s how Mars apparently has water to support organic life forms, but they don’t have a dating service.

Puppet Master: Axis of Evil

I’d written off Full Moon years ago after seeing their piss-poor excuse of a film called “Decadent Evil”, which lifted so much footage from other movies that even Ed Wood would have drawn the line. But I have to admit that this trailer really makes an effort to capture the feel and atmosphere of earlier “Puppet Master” movies. This latest sequel picks up after the events of “Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge”, which is my favorite film in the series. The whole gang (Blade, Pinhead, Leech Woman, etc.) look to be back in action, which should make fans of the series happy. Let’s just hope that Full Moon founder, Charlie Band, is starting a new trend with this installment: releasing movies that are actually fun to watch.

Michael Morlock’s Supernatural World

The actor who plays Michael Morlock really could be a Michael Moore impersonator. The trailer starts off with Morlock earning some extra cash pimping a Viagra knock-off while filming his latest documentary. Then we see him conducting eye witness interviews and doing investigative reporting at various locations where supernatural phenomena have supposedly occurred, such as the “Tunnel of Doom”, which just looks like an ordinary bridge to me. This is probably the kind of movie you’d end up with if the real Michael Moore had directed sci-fi documentaries.

Sharktopus

A creature that is half shark and half octopus, not to be confused with Oprah, has been created for the Navy so they can use the deadly “double feature” as the ultimate weapon. And before you can say Long John Silver’s, aquatic chaos ensues as the creature flips its creators the middle fin and starts chowing down on anything with a pulse. This flick has all the things that we’ve come to expect from a SyFy channel movie such as Z-grade visual effects, a cast of washed-up actors (I mean that affectionately), and dialog that’s been tastefully ripped-off from other movies. B-movie fans will enjoy seeing legendary B-movie director/producer Roger Corman’s cameo as a beach comber who finds a gold coin on the beach after “Sharktopus” has just eaten your standard issue clueless, blonde bimbo.

Jan

posted by admin | January 1, 2011 | 80's movies, B-movies, Horror movies, Review by Barry Goodall, Slasher

Comments Off on Bloody New Year

Bloody New Year

I gotta admit I prefer budget lodging in this Michigan economy. Just give me a room with a bed and a TV and I’m living the life of a king. It probably comes from my dad whose idea of a family vacation was going up north with us in the back of the pickup so we’d just slide around like loose change. Apparently he thought we could just go limp if we were in an accident. Luckily we’d only stop for some deer venison jerky or to close up that loose tailgate. Once at our destination he could always find the cheapest hotel in the area. I kept holding out for the possibility of a pool but my dad would just say “They charge you extra for that…I can just spray you down with the hose out back.”

Bloody New Year

The motel would have signs advertising amenities like “AIR” or “COLOR TV” usually placed over a flickering neon sign with a letter or two burned out. Yes enjoy your stay at the “HO EL” where you too can fall asleep to the gentle sounds of a bug zapper killing it’s prey or play that always popular game of “name that stain.”

The room would usually smell of dank mothballs and your feet would sink immediately into an inch deep matting of wall to wall shag carpet. All this fenced in by your standard issued 60’s wood paneling. I can still feel those walls closing in on me like I was Han Solo in that Death Star garbage room scene. “Wait, there’s something moving in the carpet!” If you were lucky you’d get a bed with those vibrating magic fingers and for a mere quarter you could get your inner organs reorganized or your spine realigned without those hefty chiropractor bills. Now that I have my own kids I too find myself drawn to those roadside budget lodgings but I know to always keep a can of bug spray handy and look for one with a heated pool. So if you’re ever on Lost Highway I suggest Big Marge’s Sunset Motel. The Sunset has clean rooms, great rates, and the morning coffee will put hair on your chest. Marge is proof of that.

Bloody New YearSpeaking of hotels you don’t want to stay overnight at. The Grand Island Hotel in “Bloody New Year” redefines the term “tourist trap.” A group of middle aged looking British teens after a long day of harassing carnies crash their sail boat on a remote island. There they find a strange Bavarian looking hotel seemingly abandoned and hastily decorated for a New Years party. Turns out an experimental government plane took a nose dive on the island back in the 50’s creating this sort of time rip in space where the dead are stuck haunting the hotel. Sorta like the line at Secretary of State only for the undead so rightfully the spirits there are a bit cranky. At first things seem pretty normal, maids service is sporadic, beds get turned down mysteriously. There’s also open bars and peeping toms, but nothing you wouldn’t otherwise expect at your Hotel 6. Unfazed the soggy group find some vintage clothes left over from a Happy Days rerun to change into and proceed to investigate the rest of resort. Downstairs there’s a B-movie marathon playing on a makeshift theater showing a much more interesting “Attack of the Brain Stem” film but then they cut over to some lame home movies of the hotel instead. “Bring back the brain stems!”

Things do liven up a bit when an Arabian sheik fresh from the set of Aladdin leaps out of the screen and kills Spud “I’m Alrighta” with a scratch to the face. A good reminder to always wash your hands! This horrifying event doesn’t seem to affect the rest of the group which range from apathy to boredom “Oh bullocks Spud’s dead… maybe we should wrap him in tinfoil and poke holes in him.”

The group wisely decide to split up to make the killing go more quickly  Tom and his girlfriend head off to investigate a nearby beach house and try to get in some nooky time. Once inside they they get attacked by a malevolent fish net and a demonic end table that they impale with a fish hook. If only they had learned early on the true horrors of Red Lobster decor!

horror hotelMeanwhile Rick and his girlfriend head down to the beach front for some afternoon clam digging but are soon drawn to mysterious sounds of laughter in the nearby woods. The sound gets louder as they approach the center of the island and find themselves in an arborist nightmare of giggling trees and laughing shrubs. The chia-pet demons start dive bombing them so they run out of there faster than Mark Wahlberg in a crappy Shyamalan film. They end up at at crash site of vintage WWII action plane where a zombie pilot’s head explodes and ruins Rick’s stylin suit jacket.

But then things get weird…

Like a Scooby Doo episode the carny gang from the mainland appear on the island fresh from their rowboat workout to terrorize those darn meddlin’ kids. People start turning into fondue faced zombies and  carnies get their heads ripped off like twist caps on soda bottles. There’s disappearing maids, dandruff storms, elevators that soak up patrons like big bounty towels and there’s evil furniture banisters with Kung-Fu grip. I think I might have hallucinated that last part but I swear at one point they get attacked by ping pong balls and ride a billiards table like a surf board in a zombie disco. These are just some of the many amenities you too can enjoy at the Grand Hotel island!

The guest list dwindles down as most of them now are Demonites under hotel management. Rick and his girlfriend not wanting a bad case of bed hair or getting disemboweled battle their way back to shore to find the getaway rowboat. Will they discover the secrets of Grand Island? Will they escape the ghosts evil clutches? Was Mr. Bean the only thing funny to ever come out of Britain? All this and more can be answered in “Bloody New Year.”

I was half expecting Bloody New Year  to just be another run of the mill holiday themed slasher but it turned out to be a fun little creepfest with some obvious nods to The Shining..well except without all those pesky things like plot or acting to get in the way. Retroman Says check it out “and be sure to bring a clean pair of Alan Whickers you bloody land lover, or I’ll box yer blimey ears you bugger. Gots No time for Rumpy Pumpy!”

“ohhh Bullocks.”

roadside attractions

  • 1 exploding zombie pilot
  • 1 shotgun zombie blast and dismemberment
  • 1 neck corkscrew
  • 2 banister demon Muppets
  • Carnival boat parades
  • Peeping tom ghosts
  • Multiple arm choppings
  • Paranormal furniture movers
  • Invisible bed turnover services
  • Sheik scratch fever
  • End tables demon possessions
  • Laughing bushes
  • Death by boat propeller
  • Attacking fish nets
  • Gut punching
  • Killer ping pong balls
totals

9

blood
BLOOD

plenty of dismemberment

7

blood
BREASTS

Not much nudity to keep the horndogs interested.

9

beast
BEASTS

plenty of zombified island guests and ghostly ghouls.

8.2 OVERALL
dripper

Check out the trailer for “Bloody New Year”

trailers

dripper

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>