Archive for the 'Horror movies' Category

Sep

Comments Off on “Killdozer” Rest Stop Review Edition

This t-shirt from fright rags is actually scarier than the whole movie.

Back in the 70’s and early 80’s there was a rash of machines gone wild movies. There was a demon Lincoln in “The Car”, a stalking semi-truck in “Duel” and some radioactive big rigs in “Maximum Overdrive.” One movie often over looked though was “Killdozer.” This 1974 made for TV movie revolved around the idea that construction equipment while incredibly loud and slow can also be an effective stalking killing machine.  In reality it’s about as effective as an overweight ninja…..if that Ninja is flatulent….and you’re an inanimate object like a potted plant.

A group of construction workers are clearing land on an island making room for what must be dozens of  strip malls when a meteorite suddenly strikes their work site. Thankfully, 70’s star Robert Urich is there to save the day and tries to bulldoze over the big hunk of pulsating space rock. The meteorite goes mini super nova and transfers it’s glow into the bulldozer leaving a fondue faced Robert Urich to die an agonizing made for TV death. Back at the workers camp, Clint Howard is our reluctant baritoned hero. He’s a construction foreman with a drinking problem (shocking I know). After the accident he begins to suspect the strange humming bulldozer might have some homicidal tendencies but feels better to just keep it a secret. He’s not too surprised when it trashes their camp the next day and turns one of his men into a human burrito stuffed in a drainage pipe. The rest of the men flee (walk briskly) to slightly higher ground since the bulldozer’s greatest weakness is slight inclines and can only travel about 8mph. These guys aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed though and devise increasingly dumb ways to combat the malevolent machine including starting a fire that it bulldozes right over or trying to drive a truck full of explosives into it. After a failed  game of chicken with their army jeep the two survivors decide to battle Killdozer with a digger crane in what can only amount to the lamest game of rock em’ sock em’ robots ever. Couldn’t they just wait for the thing to run out of gas? A riding lawnmower is scarier than this movie. Let’s check out the Roadside Attractions: Deep fried Urich, Jeep wrangling, Rock-slide Fu, Glow rocks, Drain tube crushing, Electroshock oil change, Bulldozer hit and run..er..I mean mozy along. Retroman says check it out…but if a homicidal bulldozer is ever barreling down on you at tops speeds, be sure to step aside…after a while…ya know when you feel like it. Take your time though, there’s no rush.

You can watch the entire movie on YouTube. Shockingly, nobody has threatened to take it down. They probably figured nobody’s watching it except for the Urich family. Part 1 is below and the rest are available on that Youtube site all the cool kids are talking about.

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Looking for hard to find cult movies and unreleased DVD’s of some vintage b-movies then check out www.superstrangevideo.com. They provide many of the movies we review here at the site and will give you a great price on whatever film you’re trying to track down.

Aug

posted by admin | August 15, 2010 | B-movies, Bad movie, Cult Film, Horror movies, Slasher, Slasher films, Uncategorized

Comments Off on Return to Sleepaway Camp

Comebacks usually aren’t a good thing. Just ask boxer, Sugar Ray Leonard, who stepped into the boxing ring after being retired for several years and got knocked out by Hector Macho Camacho before the first round ended. Well, for “legendary” director Robert Hiltz (How’d he get that title, anyway?) his return to the camera after being away for nearly 20 years is just as disastrous. Now, I’m not saying that the first three “Sleepaway Camp” films will ever earn a spot on the AFI (American Film Institute) 100 Best Movies of All Time, but the earlier movies, unlike this latest installment, were at least filled with funny dialogue, dark humor, cool death scenes, and plenty of hot chicks who never had a problem showing their goods.


“Return to Sleepaway Camp” (RTSC) is a direct sequel to the first “Sleepaway Camp” that ignores the two “Sleepaway Camp” installments in between (“SC 2: Unhappy Campers” and “SC 3: Teenage Wasteland”) much the same way that “Jason Goes to Hell” pretended that “Jason Takes Manhattan” didn’t exist. You know it always pisses me off when writers, directors, and movie studios pull this kind of crap with movie franchises. Just keep the series somewhat consistent and make a sequel that picks up where the last one left off. But believe it or not, this is the least of the movie’s problems. Anyway, let me get back to my review. So the “plot” for RTSC involves a “mysterious killer” who is offing campers and counselors in a variety of boring and uninspiring ways at yet another summer camp. Hiltzik tries to keep anyone left watching the movie guessing by having Angela, I mean the “mysterious killer”, wear a ridiculous disguise and use a voice decoder that sounds like a Speak ‘n’ Spell with dying batteries to conceal their real identity. But trust me, this isn’t “Clue’ Goes to Sleepaway Camp.” Felissa Rose, who played Angela in the original “Sleepaway Camp”, stars in this installment, so anyone with the intelligence level of an amoeba (sorry if I offended any amoebas out there) should know who’s doing the killing this time around. And while I’m on the subject of killing, “Sleepaway” films usually have memorable kills, right? Well not in this sequel. Thanks to some very bad directing and editing, everybody takes so freakin’ long to die. Any kind of suspense or “wow” factor from a death scene is ruined because the camera cuts back and forth to whatever object is getting ready to kill its next victim several times before a death actually occurs. It’s as if Hiltzik wanted to make sure he didn’t loose the audience. Wishful thinking on his part because hopefully anyone who made the mistake of renting this cinematic turd either turned it off before they wasted too much time, or got hammered after the film’s first death scene and passed out.

A few of the original cast members who survived the first “Sleepaway Camp” return for this sequel, but even they can’t salvage this horrible movie because it’s twenty years later, and they still can’t act. Felissa Rose, Jonathan Tiersten, and Paul DeAngelo really should have taken at least a couple of warm-up acting gigs like commercials before signing on to do this movie. Their performances are so bad it makes the acting in “Troll 2” seem Shakespearean in comparison. If any of them want to show up for the next sequel they should avoid further embarrassment and just make cameos as newspaper clippings or framed photographs, like Sean Connery did in “Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls.” The movie still had one last chance to redeem itself with a cool finale, but unfortunately what we get is a predictably lame “reveal” ending that is another huge disappointment in a movie full of disappointments, especially when compared to the gender-bender-ender of the original “Sleepaway Camp.”

For a film that was delayed more times than a Britney Spears comeback, this film sure did feel rushed and thrown-together. I read a whole laundry list of “reasons” why the film’s release date kept getting pushed back. First it was Hiltzik wanted to get the effects just right. Then re-shoots were needed. Next it was that there were problems with the CGI again, etc. Well I’ve seen the movie, and the visual effects really don’t look that bad. Movies of the Week shown on the Sy-Fy Channel have worst CGI in them. After watching the movie for about 2 mins. I found out the real reason for all of the delays, and it’s that the movie sucks, plain and simple. There’s just no other way to put it. Instead of worrying about the quality of the visual effects and whatever else, Hiltzik’s priority should’ve been to make a movie that was actually watchable.

I was really hoping that poor DVD sales for RTSC would close this camp for good. But I’ve recently read that Hiltzik unfortunately has another 3-D “Sleepaway” sequel in production, which is a real shame because it probably means that Michael Simpson who did “SC: 2” and “SC: 3” won’t get the opportunity to do his supernatural sequel called “Sleepaway Camp: Berserk” any time soon, or possibly ever. His idea sounds like it would be a fun movie to me. Click here for the movie’s brief plot synopsis.

If you want to visit a camp this summer, don’t return to Sleepaway Camp and go to Crystal Lake instead.

roadside attractions

  • Gratuitous use of the line “Your a$$ stinks.”
  • Fart-lighting 101
  • Killer wears a ridiculous disguise in between murders
  • Death by bed of nails
  • Wooden stake to the eye
  • Issac Hayes as Charlie The Chef
  • 1 Human Roman Candle
  • 1 Super-lame ending
totals

1

blood
BLOOD

About a gallon of the red stuff

2

beast
BEASTS

A gender-confused killer and a bully.

0

blood
BREASTS

None but there were plenty of nicely wrapped melons

1.25 OVERALL
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Check out the trailer for “Return to Sleepaway Camp”

trailers



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Aug

posted by admin | August 8, 2010 | 80's movies, B-movies, Bad movie, Guest Review, Horror movies

Comments Off on Guest Review: Poltergiest 3

angeliqueAngelique (www.twitter.com/Laughing_Bones)

“I’ve been a horror fan since my mom went to see Cujo in the theaters while pregnant with me.  That set the stage for my love of the good, the bad, and the downright ugly, and I’ve seen some of the worst and best horror movies out there, and since I was old enough, I would hold movie marathons and make my friends watch them as well.  I  When I’m not writing about horror, I blog (http://theculinaryadventuresofdangergirl.com.blogspot.com/) about whatever comes to mind.  Otherwise, you can find me in and about the wilderness of East Tennessee, preparing for the inevitable revolution/zombie apocalypse.”

Lost Highway Welcomes Angelique to the our little roadside detour of b-movie cool and without further ado…whatever ado means…here’s her review of Poltergiest 3: Why didn’t it stop at 1.

Poltergiest 3
Let me start by saying that if Carol Anne was my daughter, I’d drive her out to the middle of nowhere, leave her, and hope for the best.

OH WAIT!  That’s just what her lovely parents did in Poltergeist III, only they replaced “middle of nowhere” with “Chicago” and “hope for the best” with “foist her on your sister, her husband, and his daughter, because we can’t take it anymore.”

Following the events of Poltergeist and Poltergeist II, the story opens with Carol Anne (Heather O’Rourke) in a posh high-rise penthouse in the heart of Chicago, living with her aunt, her uncle, and step-cousin.  She is obviously a burden on the family, but they all try to put on happy faces as she sits around and plays with that damn Speak-n-Spell all the time.  I swear, when she’s not dealing with the threat of ghosts, the kid does nothing else!  I lost interest in mine when I realized it wouldn’t “say” curse words, but she can’t get enough of it!  Well, I suppose this is what happens when televisions, clown dolls, and toy phones are off-limits to little girls who attract evil spirits from the other side.  Ahem, back to the story.  This is only the beginning, for there is danger afoot, and strange things begin happening with gusto, which everyone promptly ignores.

Poltergiest 3Carol Anne has the dubious honor of being enrolled in a special school for gifted children, lorded over by the insidious Dr. Satan-er, Seaton, rather.  Seaton.  Dr. Seaton (Richard Fire), who likes to impress other psychiatrists with his acumen and impeccable goatee, makes Carole Anne out to be some Mesmer-esque master of minds, has inadvertently awakened the ghost of that crazy Reverend Kane (Nathan Davis, and an assortment of rubber masks), who will stop at nothing to get Carol Anne to lead them into the light.

This, of course, has alerted Tangina (Zelda Rubenstein), who gets on a plane immediately to help her, because Dr. Seaton is an asshole.

Bruce (Tom Skerritt) and Pat (Nancy Allen) have fights over Carol Anne between dealing with the various technical problems the building is going through; he likes her there, she wants her gone, and resents her sister for foisting her crazy child off onto them during a most stressful time in their yuppie lives.  If it weren’t for all the ghosts and such, this could have been a movie of the week about the benefits of acceptance and family change.  It’s not, but the writers certainly didn’t realize that.

Donna (Lara Flynn Boyle) is miffed because she has to watch Carol Anne and her red footie pajamas all night, but Carol Anne uses her mental might to convince Donna to go ahead to the party, she’s just gonna be sitting around, you know, playing with her speak and spell, maybe slipping into the liquor cabinet…wait, that didn’t happen.  I wish it did, for it would have given her a little more character depth.  Donna applies too much eyeliner, and Carol Anne leans into the bathroom door to give her some makeup tips.  Then, there’s a knock at the mysteriously closed bathroom door, and she opens it to see…CAROL ANNE!  What just happened?  Never mind, she has a party to attend.  After arriving at the party with her collar popped and deeming it dullsville, she uses a handy set of master keys to break into the pool and throw a better party.  She and her afro-sporting boyfriend Scott (Kip Wentz) sneak off to rob the grocery store of their cheese-doodles and Coors Light while upstairs, Carol Ann has run into some trouble.

Kane begins to torment Carol Ann in the apartment, and I can’t say that the special effects were all that ‘special,’ because 90% of them are done with dry ice fog and flashing lights, but they’re scary enough for Carol Anne, and she runs away.  She’s seen on camera by Donna and Scott, who were trying to make out in the security room holding armloads of groceries, and they follow her to the parking garage.

Let me warn you right now: throughout the rest of the movie, you will hear the name “Carol Ann” about EIGHTEEN MILLION TIMES.v

She goofs around, running backwards until she steps into a puddle.  WATCH OUT, IT’S A REFLECTIVE SURFACE!  Oops, too late; zombie hands jerk her down, Donna and Scott arrive just in time to provide a not quite convincing rescue attempt, and they all get pulled into the puddle.

Poltergiest 3

From this point on, things get a little flaky.  Scott reappears and is crazy, screaming about Donna.  Dr. Seaton comes to the building and tries to analyze him.  Tangina comes in and rubs her necklace some more.  She spouts some exposition about love and how it’ll set the girls free or something, (I don’t know, I quit listening for a minute), until she started talking about the evil beyond the bedroom door.  I thought for sure she was talking about the Speak-N-Spell, but no, she meant Kane, and the mirrors.  She and Dr. Seaton face-off, then something spooky happens and the evil reaches out and deep-fries Tangina.  We immediately have an excellent Lara Flynn Boyle freak-out as she climbs out of the still-steaming corpse of our favorite magical midget.  Arguably the best part of the movie, second only to when she pushes Dr. Seaton down the elevator shaft after he goes chasing after the reflection of Carol Anne.  Come to find out, that’s not really Donna or Scott, but doppelgangers who like to make out sloppily, then rip each others faces off.

The last half of the movie is spent following Bruce and Pat around, watching them get locked into large freezers, fighting undead livestock, almost drowning, snatching necklaces from an apparition of Tangina, being teleported into frozen, snowy parking garages and being chased by possessed cars. I’m not sure what mirrors and ice have in common, but for some reason they go together like peanut butter and jelly in this flick.  Are they playing up the idea that ghosts suck the heat out of the environment for energy?  It isn’t ever explained, aside from the light being cold.

During the final showdown in Carol Anne’s foggy room, Carol Anne shows up and spouts some angsty mess about how nobody loves her or wants her but Kane, but it’s a ruse to get the magical necklace from Pat.  She disappears,  then Pat gets strangled by her own reflection, pimp-slapped by Kane, sees the whole family lying around dead, and freaks out.  Tangina appears yet again, spouting more about this love thing, and how it’ll save everyone, and how she can end this whole thing by leading him into the light, and could have done it all along.  SHOULDN’T SHE HAVE DONE THAT TWO FLIPPING MOVIES AGO??  Why’d she leave this poor girl to be tormented?  Question for the ages, I suppose.

If there’s one thing I hate, its when horror movies try to have some kind of redeeming value.  I wanna be scared, not actually learn anything (except for maybe a few new ways that I could potentially die or enter an alternate dimension).

roadside attractions

  • Gratuitous One-way mirrors
  • Disembodied hand coffee-mug flinging
  • Elevator shaft Swan Dive
  • Undead livestock
  • Chicken-fried psychic
  • Corpse burrowing
  • Face peeling
  • Necklace rubbing
  • Decapitation by shovel
  • Face peeling
  • Head melting
totals

0

blood
BLOOD

They flash-fried Tangina

4

beast
BEASTS

I’m including the Speak-N-Spell here, you guess the rest of ’em!

0

blood
BREASTS

Lara Flynn Boyle doesn’t have much more than mosqito bites anyway

3.0 OVERAL

When the scariest thing in the movie is a Speak-n-Spell, it’s the best you can do.
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Check out the trailer for “Poltergiest 3”

trailers

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Jun

Comments Off on “The Boogens” Rest Stop Review Edition

Boogens

When I was 5, I had this same fear sitting on the toilet.

In “The Boogens” we learn exactly what happened to those pet turtles that were flushed down the toilet when you were a kid. Things go bad when an abandoned sliver mine is re-opened for business. It inadvertently releases the “Boogen”, an ancient creature that has an uncanny resemblance to Gamera the flying super turtle. This hero in a half shell also has deadly tentacles and a craving for fresh blood but still takes time to relax in it’s underground private spa. It also has an impressive steam cleaned bone collection and often raids basement pantries while spelunking or eats annoying pet dogs… thus helping rid the world of canned Lima beans and miniature poodles..huzzah!

A couple of the new workers, Mark and Rodger have moved out near the silver mine town along with Roger’s Girlfriend, Jessica, and her friend Trish. They all decide to rent a creepy old cabin nearby so it’s a short drive into town if there’s some sort of flannel emergency. The cabin just happens to sit on mutant grand central which practically rings the mutant diner chow bell. Instead of a massive battle against deadly tentacles we’re treated to overly long bar scenes of the couples talking and playing pool for most of the film. Will she make the 8 ball in the corner pocket?  Thrill to the sights of them ordering “another round!!!”

Eventually, they do actually stay in the cabin and the Boogen starts offing them with some good old tentacle slash and gash…. but it’s mostly just to get them to shut the heck up. It takes forever for anyone to actually figure out that people are even missing but when they do all hell breaks lose and it’s mutant turtles on a rampage. We have 4 explosions, 1 dead dog, extreme flannel, pool playing, pantry raids, creepy old guy with multiple Boogens…or would that be boogies? It’s a fun little 80’s monster movie that has “made for TV” written all over it.. except for the gratuitous nudity and swearing. Retroman says “rent it” and always remember to store you miniature poodles on a hard to reach shelf for safety.

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Jun

posted by admin | June 21, 2010 | 80's movies, B-movies, Horror movies

Comments Off on Happy Father’s Day from Lost Highway

Sure a dad would like a tie, maybe a golf club or two…but most of all they want cake. So here’s a special happy father’s day gift to all you b-movie daddy’s.

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