Archive for the 'Horror movies' Category

Mar

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Dead Heat

“I said I wanted my steak medium rare…not undead.”

Have you ever been to a barbaric little restaurant called Fuddruckers? Sure the name sounds obscene and makes old ladies blush but not nearly as bad as the bakery inside called “Mother Fuddruckers.” I kid you not, that really is name of their bakery! Fuddruckers is noted for it’s delicious and enormous hamburgers. It also has the unique charm of having an actual butcher shop window right as you walk in. Nothing better than seeing those cows getting strung up, diced and sliced before your very own eyes or seeing the looks of horror on little kids faces. Sort of like picking out the lobster at your local seafood restaurant. Except they don’t parade the sad-eyed cow in front of you before they take them in back and to get Fuddrucked. Maybe it’s just my mad cow disease speaking but the burger’s do taste delicious even if I do get a tinge of guilt seeing their surprised friends hanging there in the window. I do have a tender spot in my heart for a tender ribeye.

In the zombie cop-buddy movie “Dead Heat” there’s at least one raging undead bovine who gets it’s revenge. Treat Williams plays Roger “I ain’t dead yet” Mortis…a mundane straight laced cop with some straight laced ties and straight laced hair, the man could double as a leveler. He and his partner Doug played by the always greasy Joe Piscopo cruise around in a old convertible waiting for a crime to occur but only on sunny days. A routine bank robbery takes place around the corner and they’re called in to deliver some much needed Piscopo one-liners and a steady shower of machine gun bullets. It looks like most of the LA police force has shown up for this event driving Krispy Kreme’s stock even lower. The robbers who look like rejects from a local S&M triathlons don’t go down without a fight..in fact they simply don’t drop. Bullets keep riveting their bodies and they keep on firing back that is until Roger has the idea to run them over with a hunk of 80’s Detroit metal. Treat Williams is judge, juror, and executioner. It would have been even better if he said something like “Trick or Treat suckas!”

Later an autopsy reveals that the robbers had been to the morgue before. Morgues don’t often get returning customers..they should get a discount punch card for that or something. Rodger and Doug trace the criminals back to a research facility where they infiltrate a high security door via a credit card lock pick and discover a giant waffle maker that also happens to bring the dead back to life, the ultimate breakfast machine. While attempting to escape they also encounter a giant two faced hell’s angel zombie with a generally mean disposition and super human strength. Mutant two face bikers always make the best security guards since they can see both directions down a hallway. Rodger gets trapped in an industrial strength vacuum sealer which is normally used to euthanize puppies (or old people.)

Rodger gasps his last breath while Doug helplessly bangs on the glass yelling “Nooooooo!!!”…sure he can sneak into a high security facility but can’t open this door? Doug’s brain cells finally begin to fire and he gets the brilliant idea of putting Roger on the waffle-maker to bring him back from the dead. Roger through a series of electro-therapy shock treatments becomes the undead. He seems to be pretty happy, feeling good, and has a great outlook on life…until he learns he will decompose into a pile of goo in less than 48hrs. Way to bring a guy down. So the crime fighting duo decide to try to find out the leaders of this crime ring of the undead and end up at a Chinese butcher shop where it’s all you can eat or all you can run away from screaming. It’s an army of duck heads, flapping fish and sides of beef reanimated as an undead buffet. Where’s the food safety inspectors when you need them? Zombie’s with machine guns also show up for an impromptu zombie pool party later on at a beach house with plenty of snacks and impaling…and since when did zombie’s learn to operate firearms? Oh did I mention everyone in this movie either dies or is already dead? You just don’t see that enough if buddy cop movies. Anyways you know things aren’t going to end well for Roger as he’s decomposing all over the place but is saving up just enough strength to kill Vincent price and the dad from “A Christmas Story.”

This was a fun little 80’s horror/comedy…more emphasis on the comedy side with Pepsico’s constant running one-liners. Somebody please stop pulling his string and put him back in his box. Definitely worth a rental but I’d suggest only eating a light salad though when viewing. And you won’t eat at Chinese buffet for a week.

Keep an eye out for…

– biker mutant zombie freaks
– vacuum sealed Treats
– zombie pool parties
– the Vince Price is Right show
– old rich people club meetings
– liver attack
– zombie duck attack
– zombie beef attack
– giant waffle makers
– extreme Piscopo
– Chinese chandelier Laser Light shows
– melting blondies
– bobbing for gold fish
– zombie NRA members

If I had only 48 hours to live I’d certainly wouldn’t spend it with Joe Pepsico.


rated 7.6 out of 10 for the movie



Check out the trailer for Dead Heat

Mar

posted by admin | March 14, 2008 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, Cult films, Cult movies, Horror movies

Comments Off on Critters



“Yeah I smoked…but I didn’t inhale.”

My daughter has recently been asking for a pet hamster. Some people find hamster cute and cuddly. I think they’re furry rodents of evil with beady soul piercing eyes always watching… waiting for their moment to overthrow us. Sure they run endlessly on that wheel like they’re exercising but that’s merely a distraction from their more devious plans of global domination. Just like rats, mice, and ferrets, they were spawned from satan’s little biological test lab (now a research division at Microsoft) and they must be stopped before they take over the planet and convert our Chucky Cheeses into human habitrails. When I saw the movie “Critters” I knew the true origins of these vermin masquerading as pets. Let this movie be a warning to us all. The Critters already live among us.

in Deep space, The “Krites” have escape a prison asteroid and somehow fled their heavily fortified prison cell, hijacked a ship , and plotted a course to the nearest planet. All this with their useless tiny twig arms. When their escape is discovered, glowing silly putty alien bounty hunters are dispatched to go after them by the prison’s warden, a squishy looking alien who looks like he needs a few more reps on the Nordic Track. The bounty hunters watch MTV and late night cable while cruising at a brisk 55mph across the galaxy giving them time to decide who they want to model their faces after. Fake 80’s rock singers always win that contest. What alien wouldn’t want their hair to feather and layer like that? The Krites look for the nearest late night snack planet to escape the bounty hunters which just happens to be Earth (always open 24/7 and plenty of value menu items) and decide to set their ship down near a small farm in Kansas. What is it about rednecks that attract Aliens anyways, it’s like tornadoes to a trailer park. The farm belongs to an super-white family named the Browns who are living the typical farming life. Bailing hay, raising chickens, eating their body weight in corn on the cob, or blowing stuff up with illegal explosives. Young Brad Brown (Scott Grimes) is our red-headed hero who while one night being punished for a crime he didn’t commit witnesses the landing of the Krites ship behind their farm in the forest. Drawn to crashed spaceships like every other country yahoo in every sci-fi movie ever made, he and his dad have to go “check it out” but end up getting scared off by mutilated dead cattle.

When the critters are revealed they look like deranged muppets with slick back hair-do’s and bad dental work. These critters are quick though and can cover some good distance as they role around like turbo charged tumble weeds chomping on every nearby cow they encounter. Eventually they find the Brown’s farmhouse who might as well hang a sign on their door that says Open Buffet. Even Billy Zane and his clip-on pony tail can’t stop these little eating machines. Unfortunately the Critters don’t find Billy Zane very filling and don’t even finish him off…. probably since he’s mostly full of crap. Did I mention I can’t stand that guy? Ever since his low point of playing “The Phantom” in that crappy movie of the same title he continued to strive for even lower depths of acting and super ego-itis. Fortunately Billy’s screen time is short when the critters make a snack pack out of his stomach and then proceed to go after Brad’s older sister. He rescues her by feeding one the critters one of his many homemade explosive. Is this kid on the government terrorist watch list? Well he should be.

The family narrowly escaping takes refuge in their living room (the safest of all rooms in an emergency) and fortify their last stand with mattresses and wicker furniture. An obvious advantage against intelligent razor teethed flesh eating aliens who can shoot poisonous needles.

Meanwhile in what almost feels like an entirely different film by now, the two bounty hunters aliens have commandeered a patrol car and are off partying around town. They stop in at the church…blow some stuff up, stop in at a bowling alley, blow some more stuff up. I think Brad and these guys will have a lot in common. One of the bounty hunters keeps annoyingly shape-shifting his face into everyone he runs into like a bad case of multiple personalities. I think some actors just wanted some more screen time.

The family continues to battle the critters with a shot gun and some broom handles (be sure to give the sibling you like least the old broom handle) so things are looking grim and young Brad decides to make a break for it to find help…or did he just ditch his family? He luckily crosses paths with the alien bounty hunters driving down the road so they all hightail it back to the house and proceed to open a can of whoop-ass on the surprised mutant muppets with some hi-tech alien boom sticks. In the process take out most of the house but Orkin would be proud.

This is one of the definitive sci-fi horror movies from the 80’s and if you haven’t seen it for a while give it another go around. If only too see Billy Zane get what’s coming to him. *shakes fist in air* “Zaaaannneeee….Zaaaaaneee!!!” doing my best impression of captain Kirk from Star Trek 2: Wrath of Kahn.

Keep an eye out for…

– critter toilet plungers
– critter-fu
– Billy Zanified pony tails
– extreme explod-o-bowl
– corn on the cobbing
– mr. potato heads aliens
– mutant projectile porcupines
– pyrotechnic church sermons
– instant extreme home makeovers
– critter vision
– ferrah faucet alien hair

Look for Critter action figures. Now with projectile poisonous darts and amazing kung-fu grip. Pull their string and they’ll say a new curse word. Billy Zane with removable stomach

Critters T-shirts available from Fright Rags

At Fright Rags you can get this high quality horror shirts you can’t find anywhere else. Fright Rags has the best selection of horror shirts based on your favorite cult classics, creature features, and slasher flicks! Check out the Critters T-shirts


Check out the trailer for Critters

Feb

posted by admin | February 27, 2008 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Uncategorized

Comments Off on He Knows You’re Alone (a.k.a Blood Wedding)

He Knows You’re Alone

“When being stalked by a psychopath, it’s always good etiquette to neatly organize your stabbing knives.”

Remember chest stabbers always go to the left of the salad fork.”

If you’re as old as me… and I know I am then you may have seen a creepy little TV show back the 1980’s called “Bossom Buddies.” It’s where two guys disguise themselves as women to live in the one apartment they can afford. That is until one stormy night when Tom Hanks while listening to the voice of his dead mother stabs Janet Leigh in the hotel shower and…. oh wait that was another cross dresser. Anyways little did people realize that the curly haired nice guy actor would later on become a super mega Oscar winner and the voice to a computer animated cowboy. I have better memories of his earlier rolls in great 80’s hits like The Money Pit, Splash, Dragnet, and who can forget him in the required movie for every early-pubescent boy’s VCR, “Bachelor Party.” Now that was Academy worthy material.

What truly started him on path to stardom was his first acting role in a slasher film called “He Knows You’re Alone” or as I refer to it “He Knows he’s David Copperfield” because the killer, Ray Carlton, has an amazing skill of appearing and disappearing whenever he wants and even is accompanied by his own Halloween inspired theme music. Amy is our virginal hero and she’s is on a mission to get married to Phil, a dull man who wears a suit. Amy appears doped up on goof pills most of the time and is not totally convinced that Phil is her one true love. Soon she’s secretly stalked by not only a killer who hates the Billy Idol song “white wedding” but her ex-boyfriend Marvin the marvelous Mortician who wants to marry her instead of Phil. Anyone remember the guy who played Marvin? Yup that’s Don Scardino the pasty white boy from the killer worm movie “Squirm” as seen on Mystery Science Theater 3000 (watch online here). What Marvin lacks in looks and charm he makes up for in hair thickness. His appeal to Amy is anyone’s guess. Perhaps it’s his alien-like feathered hair that seems to defy the laws of physics or his pressed stain resistant shirts that protect his translucent white skin from the harmful rays of the sun.

In any case the killer has a chip on his shoulder since he too was previously dumped but instead of annoying his ex-girlfriend like Marvin does, he stabbed her on her wedding day (he should have just bought them a toaster for a wedding gift like everyone else.) So now he’s out to murder every other soon-to-be-bride he can find. The groom at the time of the wedding murder was a rookie cop and is now on a manhunt to find Ray and bring him to justice just as soon as he’s done drinking and having emotional outbursts. The killer magic elf ninja quickly appears and takes out all Amy’s dimwitted friends and even her cigar smoking tailor. But don’t tailor’s deserve a beating anyways…I mean with all their adjusting, measuring, and hem pinning (see now I’ll get hate email from tailors.)
Thrown into the mix is the short cameo by Tom Hanks as a jogger and rookie philosopher who mainly showcases his 80’s hair-fro and fluffy big coat for some brief on screen time. Can you already sense his Oscar worthiness? There’s also the teacher from The Breakfast Club who plays another moody cop only minus Molly Ringwald and Emileo Estevez so he’s even more boring than usual. Man that guy just needs to not talk and he might land some better roles.

One thing that struck me odd was Amy’s friends behavior. I’m not sure if they were drunk or on some sort of medication because they acted strangely obnoxious throughout the film and always inappropriate to the situation. Hard to feel much sympathy for them as they practically dive onto the knives of the killer. Amy finally discovers her friend has been feeding the fish with her entire skull and is chased by Killer-Ray into the morgue where it just happens that Marvin works the night shift. The cop who has been 5 steps behind them through the whole film also finally catches up and confronts the killer. This is all leading up to a sort of weird interpretive open ending (hey anybody remember to actually arrest the murderer in the basement? anyone? think someone should go check that out? anyone?? no? okay then…let’s move on.)

While not really a good slasher film, the characters are entertaining in their strange pod-people like behavior and there’s a few good gotch-ya moments with a car chase. I’d say check it out if you’ve got nothing better already sitting in the old VCR… hey what year is it anyways?

So grab some popcorn and don’t forget to feed the fish.

Keep an eye out for…

– thinly padded theater seating
– head shaped aquarium figurines
– teachers from the breakfast club
– Tom Hanks jogger tripping
– death by stereo
– student morticians with 2×4’s
– bi-polar cops
– extreme hair feathering
– car-roof carpooling
– Halloween soundtrack ripoffs

Tom Hanks anxiously awaits reprising his oscar worthy role in Turner and Hooch 2: Electric Booga-drool.

rated 7.1 out of 10 for the movie



Check out the trailer for He Knows You’re Alone

Feb

posted by admin | February 9, 2008 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies

Comments Off on Zombie 4: After Death

 

Zombie 4: After Death



“I just don’t know if I have enough pockets to stop them all, but I’ll try!”

Oh Italian zombie film makers how I loath thee. Zombie 4 “Oletre la morte” which I believe is Italian for “warning this movie may cause you to poke your eyeballs out” or “I put too much garlic in this meat sauce” is your typical Italian horror zombie film. Loads of gore and absolutely no resemblance of a plot broken up by moments of poorly dubbed dialog. It’s a sort of Madlibs of movie making. “(name) please don’t touch the zombie. It will turn your (body part) (favorite color)”

From what I could tell a group of scientists that believe there’s a cure for death setup camp on a Caribbean island (where all the anti-death people go for vacation.) A local witch doctor’s daughter dies from some unnamed cancer and so he opens the door to hell for vengeance on the scientists. Usually Hell is only open weekends and fridays. Then his wife who has a strong resemblance to an early 80’s Whitney Houston has some sort of epileptic dancing seizure and turns a major PMSing she-demon with bad dental work. She wipes out the whole island, a lot of whom are packin’ heat but have slower reflexes than a senior citizens at a dodge ball game. Most of them getting easily wiped out except for a little blonde girl, Jenny, who somehow escapes just as her parents get munched on. Those toddler survival classes really did pay off. Then we leap forward 20 years and she’s all grown up and heading back to the same island on a speed boat with her own A-team wanna-be mercenaries! uh…why? who knows.

Cut yet to another scene (head spinning yet?) and a whole other group of scientist lead by some corporate adventurer extremist are cave exploring and stumble upon a book of the dead. Like most typical guys reading appliance instructions he reads them out loud and doesn’t really pay attention to what it says unwittingly unleashing the walking dead. Just a warning out to all us guys If you find a book of the dead on an abandoned island in a evil cave…don’t read it out loud or your stomach might end up as a snack pack.

The mercenary group holds up in a poorly constructed hospital as zombified islanders start to surround them. You know as soon as you see a zombie it might be a good idea to just get back on the boat and go home, but this brain trust decides the ramshackled hospital with it’s open windows and doors would make a much more fortified last stand. At least the hospital had the standard issue emergency kit and crates of machine guns and hand grenades. Now that’s a way to unionize a nursing staff.

Well I thought I had seen the worse of the worse and this definitely ranks up towards the top. The dialog reminded me a bit of “Demons” …another Italian horror film I reviewed a while back. The difference is that was a fun campy horror film and this is more along the lines of waterboard interrogation. So watch with caution and only tell them your rank and serial number.

Keep an eye out for…

– a lady with her eye out
– G.I. Joe zombies
– gratuitous use of candles
– face gouging
– shoulder chomping
– stomach ripping
– demon dental work
– zombie islander skeet shooting
– beam balancing
– ill-timed romantic moments
– leisure boating

The Mario Brothers movie was scarier than this, and by far more Italian.


rated 3.1 out of 10 for the movie

Check out this well acted scene from Zombie 4

Feb

posted by admin | February 4, 2008 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies, Uncategorized

Comments Off on The Funhouse

funhouse

“You know what this room needs? An evil clown statue. Oh wait…

The town carnival was always a place of fascination for me. A sort of mobile caravan of weirdness. The row of games where you can loose your teenage life’s savings while trying to win a $3 stuffed Tweety bird for your girlfriend. The buckets of assorted fried meats you can gorge yourself on before they have to jump start your heart, and then there’s the unsavory combination of smells around every turn. When you put an assortment of porta-potties, open garbage cans and a few hundred tons of corn dogs a few feet from each other you’re bound to create some sort of toxic sludge. That might explains how they keep those creepy carny workers alive, a netherworld chemical of food by-products thereby reanimating their lifeless corpses for another day of work much like office coffee. I’d also question some of the rides safety testings. Ever notice the small single rusty bolt that holds your creeky cart precariously to the metal octopus arm?…at any moment snapping and sending you into the parking lot like a homemade turkey catapult? Well now you will…and you’re welcome. Fortunately most people make it out alive in the face of these carnival dangers.

In the horror film “the funhouse” some carnival patrons aren’t so lucky. Amy our lead virginal hero is going out with her friends to check out the arrival of the carnival. We know she’ll survive because she’s a virgin and as we all know they can create forcefields around them from evil (or drunk frat guys whichever they encounter first.) After a Halloween inspired shower-scene attack by her perverted little brother she decides sideshow freaks would be a welcome change of pace. They check out the mutant cattle show, get mild whiplash on the bumper cars and visit a fortune teller who freelances as a hooker. Will the fun ever stop? They even stop at a girlie strip show tent hoping to get a sneak peek. I don’t recall seeing that particular attraction at my local town fair when I was a teenager. The closest to that was the 4H melon contest next to the farm animal petting cage. It sure would have increased tickets sales though.

Amy seems to be mysteriously drawn to a creepy funhouse at the outskirts of the carnival and her friends decide it would be a great idea to actually stay the night inside. The funhouse is a massive structure with a winding track of riding carts that tour through a variety of creepy displays and animatronic weirdness within it. There’s also a creepy robotic fat lady who sits on top of the building laughing mockingly at any bulimic teen that walks by.

Once inside, the teenagers ditch the carts and frolic in some poorly made evil forests that seemed to be constructed by the same people that build cheap floats for town parades. Things go from bad to worse when they inadvertently witness the killing of the fortune teller hooker (fortune-hooker!) who just gave a quickie to some guy dressed as Frankenstein. Frank didn’t feel he got his money worth so he kills her instead. Business transactions never go well between mutant beasts and gypsy hookers, but she really should have predicted that.

The kids are soon discovered and Frank who actually turns out to be some sort of real life freak mutant is stalking them along with his equally crazy dad. With only 4 teenagers total, the body count isn’t going to get too high but mutant Frank is all about quality kills not quantity. There’s surprise lynchings, axes to the head, impalements, trapdoors, air duct maulings, and some torso/gear grinding action. All this making up for a great popcorn b-movie but I’d have to say that the main star of this movie really has to be the funhouse itself. It’s creepy, icky and filled with the stuff of nightmares and yet consistently out-acts the actual cast members. I say give this one a spin in your DVD player and save an elephant ear for me.

Keep an eye out for…

– little brother perverts
– carnival bag ladies
– gypsy hookers
– carney choking
– mutant cattle shows gawking
– rope a nerd lynchings
– accidental sword impalements
– freak carney grinders

funhouses, carnies, and a live performance of the Oak ridge boys? Stop the horror!


rated 9.1 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for the Funhouse

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