Archive for the 'Horror movies' Category

Oct

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Monster in the Closet

“Honey, can we just cuddle tonight, I’ve got a headache.”

In Pixar Animation’s Monsters Inc. we learned that monsters emerge from closets to scare children and harvest their screams to power their monster city. They’re giant cuddly teddy bears with fangs who are afraid of children touching them and have complex social problems. When did we neuter the classic movie monster like this? If it was a real horror movie the big blue monster would have eaten the kid while she slept, burped up a shoe and picked his teeth with her hair clip..movie over. Unfortunately Monsters in the Closet doesn’t help monsters regain any sort of dignity.

Richard “Don’t call me Superman” Clark is a mild manner reporter who is put on the case of some mysterious deaths in a nearby small town. Some people were found dead in their closets (apparent death by over accessorizing.) The brutal yet offscreen carnage of a blind man, his dog and a whiny little girl doesn’t really catch the newspaper’s attention so the newspaper owner sends in Richard Clark as a joke to cover the story. Dick meets Diane, a biology teacher at Chestnut Hills College. We assume she’s a professor only due to the fact that she wears a lab coat and has glasses. She’s otherwise passable as an airhead super model who has random blackouts in middle of conversations. Diane has a far out theory that the victims are being killed by a snake-like creature that travels from closet to closet across the town. Along with another scientist, Dr Phillip Pennyworth who has a strong resemblance to a hung-over Einstein and a PETA lovin’ preacher, they decide to hunt down the creature and stop it’s closet killing rampage. Dr. Pennyworth thinks that he can communicate with the monster via repetitive and annoying xylophone playing but that only ends with the monster punching out his heart. Isn’t that the same way Einstein died?

An extremely ineffective branch of the army is brought in to throw every missile and bullet they can at the monster. The same army used in most Godzilla films who can’t seem to aim worth a darn. When nothing works, the army hightails it back to barracks and orders a city wide evacuation. A bit over-reactive along with the news casters claiming the end of the world is upon them.

Diana and Dick stay behind in town to try to electrocute the monster with a giant metal hot plate. See Dick Die…Die Dick Die!!! But there’s no accidental electrocution of Richard or monster munching on his useless brain stem. Instead he lures the monster into the trap with a chocolate bar. A bold move and a big sacrifice for Richard since he’s compulsively eating chocolate bars all day. The guy should be 300 pounds with acne the way he packs away the junk food.

Of course the hot plate fails as well as a hastily home-made laser beam built by Diane’s genius son who also nearly gets kidnapped by the monster while at the elementary school. Sure the kid can build a laser gun but can’t avoid a slow moving guy in a giant rubber monster suit. This is why nerds don’t play sports.

When it looks like everyone is going to become a midnight snack the monster suddenly falls in love with Richard and carries him away! WHAT?!! the monster is gay? of course, hence the movie title!! with no monster pride parade for it to march in, It tries to escape with it’s new kidnapped boyfriend via closets around the town but residence have already started burning them or chopping them up with axes. Richard is also incapable of breaking the monsters grasps as he continues to faint everytime he wakes up. Major wuss.

I can only recommend this movie based on its pure cheese-factor. You won’t be scared and you’ll end up hoping the monster wipes out this even more dumbed down human race. Be warned it’s rated PG yet had some accidental full frontal nudity of a blond bimbo in an early shower scene? Oops Apparently the ratings board was still smoking weed in the early 80’s and missed that little scene. Though I’m sure the 12 year olds that couldn’t get into Porky’s Revenge at the theater appreciated the camera mishap.


Keep an eye out for…

– the ancient Chinese xylophone torture method
– slimeball news reporters in light blue leisure suits
– Clark Kent look-a-likes addicted to chocolate bars
– German Shepard suicides
– monsters coming out of the closet.
– walkthrough electric hot plates
– extreme closet makeovers
– toy bugle monster calling

“Please destroy all your closets! though you may want to take the clothes out first.”

rated 6.8 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Monster in the Closet

Aug

Comments Off on Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Killer Klowns from Outer Space

“Have you ever given thought to learning more about the church of clownology. Cotton candy is the way to enlightenment.”

I’ve wondered what marketing genius decided to combine the dining experience of eating hamburgers with the theme of clowns. Apparently back in the 50’s some marketing executives were sitting around a table smoking some weed and decided “You know what we need to get people to eat our hamburgers, a giant creepy clown in a yellow jump suit” And so McDonald’s was born. A looming ghost faced lunatic who lures children with the promise of cheap plastic toys and obesity in every bag. Nothing says family dining like fast food and circus themes. But why stop at the clown, wheres the trapeze in the kids play area? Where’s the hamburger cannon that shoots the wrapped food to your table? Oh well I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before the McDonald’s marketing guys give that a try.

In Killer Klowns from Outer Space alien mutant clowns want us for their own fast food meals. When a 80’s couple at the local makeout spot are solicited to buy waffle cones and push-up treats by some local goobers in an ice cream truck they suddenly spot a falling comet over the treetops. Instead of taking the apparent river rafting adventure from their inflated life raft they were lying on in the back of their station wagon, they head out into the woods to investigate the comet crash. Surprisingly they come across a glowing giant circus tent inhabited by deformed clowns (hence the title…otherwise it would be “Teens Discover Nothing in Woods and Leave.” What possess people to investigate things that fall from the sky? Always remember when a comet crashes in the nearby woods you run the other way!

The clowns starting attacking the local town folks through elaborate puppet shows and pizza delivery scams shooting them with FisherPrice ray guns that turn them into giant balls of cotton candy goodness. They store the cotton-candified corpses on their spaceship tent for late night snacks. The cops are no help as the chief of police would rather complain to himself about teenage hooligans and eat doughnuts by the box full. He eventually ends up a hollowed out ventriloquist dummy which wasn’t much of a character switch for him. Popcorn attack guns, invisible cars and acid pie fights are just some of the weapons at the clown’s disposal but they could have just given away free tickets to the circus and made it a lot less work. Luckily Sargent Biff McChunk-Head figures out the plans of the evil clowns when his ex-girlfriend is kidnapped and turned into a giant beach ball. So he and his band of surviving dimwitted buddies infiltrate the evil circus strong hold at the local fairgrounds in their ice cream trunk to face off against clown hookers and giant mutant bozo impersonators. Yeah it’s that weird.

A fun goofy b-movie that doesn’t try to take itself too seriously. They have a hunting dog made out of a animal balloons and popcorn that turns into bobble headed clown demons so you can’t help but laugh.

Keep an eye out for…
– popcorn kung-fu
– wholesale size cotton candy
– cop ventriloquist acts
– shadow puppets shows
– redneck comet crash site investigators
– exploding ice cream trucks
– tracker balloon dogs
– kleptomaniacs clowns in drugs stores
– street cleaning parades
– acid pies to the face
– inflato-breast clown hookers
– bad 80’s sweaters

“Ronald, Krusty, Bozo… ye all ain’t got nothing on these Klown gangstas! If they did a drive-by they could fit 20 of their peeps in their pimped ride and put a cap in your chest.”

rated 8.1 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Aug

posted by admin | August 12, 2007 | Comedy, Cult Film, Cult films, Cult movies, Drama, Horror movies

Comments Off on Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

“How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?…just one… if they’re this freakishly tall!!”

I’ve taken quite a few autumn trips to the cider mill out in the country side. I enjoyed the hay rides and pumpkin patches, the delicious cinnamon donuts that put me into a hazed sugar comma. But I especially enjoyed the vicious squashing of thousands of helpless apples in the looming cider press. Oh so little do these apples know of their awaiting doom after being freed from the trees. But now I have a new appreciation for the ability of cider presses to not only entertain us tourists but to fight supernatural evil with extreme prejudice.

Leslie Vernon, local turtle wrangler, understands the vengeful power of cider in this great little mockumentary horror film. As a up and coming maniac killer in a world where Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers actually exist, Leslie invites a college film crew led by a Diana Sawyers wanna-be to learn the ins and outs of the killing business. He wants everything about his soon to be legend filmed. A sort of Donald Trump of slashers without the hockey-head hair.

Leslie is like the smart mouth guy you knew in high-school who was very witty and smooth with the ladies but obviously a few fries short of a happy meal. He’s also very enthusiastic about his trade profession as he introduces us to his slasher mentor Eugene, your typical truck-driver physco who likes to be buried alive in the backyard for days at a time. Eugene, played by Scott Wilson, is like the nice bartender at your local pub but this one might have some bodies hidden in the storage freezer next to the kegs.

Leslie who apparently snapped from being given such a girly name at an early age plans to murder a group of stereotypical teeenagers in a nearby abandoned apple orchard/farmhouse complete with rustic furniture and stained ceilings (how’s does a stain like that get on the ceiling anyways?) His hopes are that one of the town’s giant amazonian virgins will fight him in the orchard to the death with a weak handle tree axe or a loose fitted sledge hammer. Potentially stopping his teenage carnage buffet is Dr. Halloran, impressively over acted by Robert “Please call me Freddy” Englund along with some additional victims of the laurel and hardey camera crew.

Leslie picked a tough profession where things don’t usually end well for the employees and would have been better suited to being a stunt double for Jim Carrey or Dana Cook. Oh well he can always post a resume on monster.com if this whole professional supernatural physcopath gig doesn’t work out. I wonder if they’re unionized?

Definitely a film to check out if your a big fan of the classic slashers from the 70’s and 80’s. You won’t be disappointed and you may even learn what to do next time if you’re trapped in an abandoned farmhouse with a couple of airheads, stoners, and football jocks. Just run…run and don’t look back.

Keep an eye out for…
– midget librarians
– 7ft tall virgin amazonian blondes
– psychopaths official car “Toyota Prius”
– narcoleptic stoners
– gratuitous references to Herman Melville characters
– farmhouse kung-fu
– avon face cream of evil
– 1 pole digger to the chest
– Dr. Krueger house calls

“Yea… Yea, plants and turtles… Plants and turtles… I only keep pets I can eat.”

rated 9.2 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon

Jul

Comments Off on DeepStar Six

Deepstar Six

“Dead Lobster, For the sea food killer in you”

I think the most prevalent signs of the apocalypse happened back in the 80’s. Reganomics, the band Wham!, and the sudden occurrence of a multitude of underwater monster movies including the Abyss, Leviathan, and this seafood disaster called DeepStar Six.

Greg Evigan plays “no first name” McBride, a scraggly lumber jack navy pilot waiting to get out from deep sea duty to return topside for some well deserved McRest. Yes the same Greg Evigan from the horrifying tv show “My Two Dads.” I believe that show was canceled right after “Alf” thankfully.

McBride is a part of a group of underwater military rejects including a Amish looking porn peddler, a Russian scientist cranked up on Red Bulls, and resident scientist babe Nia Peebles who appears to have stumbled onto the wrong movie set by accident.

The story revolves around a poorly planned deep sea missile base the underwater team is supposed to setup on the sea floor but discover an ancient cavern instead. In the tradition of other film’s underwater caverns you always get a malevolent mutant sea creature thrown in for free. So get your bibs and shell hammers ready because there’s not enough butter to stop this lobster mutant.

The crazy crustacean attacks submarines, swims faster than a missile and infiltrates the DeepStar Six base via chomping on canned spam victims and a quick snack of Ms. fruity Peebles. The remaining survivors, which unfortunately includes Mr. Evigan, load up on their stock piles of shotguns and co2 tipped spears to take on Mr. Crabs now blocking their way to freedom.

A lot of the characters are cheaply killed off through a series of accidents mostly due to a weasely character named Snyder who trips into people with co2 canister tipped spears and accidentally detonates nearby nuclear bombs. Snyder freaks out and tries to get to the surface in an emergency escape pod before he should properly decompress….
pop goes the weasel.

The remaining survivors must battle the monster while figuring out a way to escape to the surface before the base has it’s own nuclear meltdown or they run out of air. Can the movie budget handle all of this?

This film wasn’t as great as I remember when I saw it in my local theater as a teenager. With very little plot and gallons of of water, it’s directed by the same guy that brought us Friday the 13th so I had hopes that a hockey masked scuba diver would arrive on a submarine and clean house. That would have made the movie more interesting and maybe now I wouldn’t have such a craving for buttery lobster. I say check it out and order a side of shrimp.

Keep an eye out for…
– underwater door crushing
– scuba diver chomping
– 2 accidental underwater nuclear explosions
– death by jiffy-pop de-compression
– emergency CPR (Crustacean Pulminary Resuscitation)
– pool party strobe lights
– lobster harpooning
– explosive c02 spear to the chest

“This movie defines deep sea doodie”

rated 6.7 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out this riveting clip from DeepStar Six. Snyder’s response at the end is priceless.

Jun

Comments Off on Demons

Demon

“I don’t know which hurts more…being eaten by a demon or you twisting my nipples like that.”

Dario Argento the Italian master of horror wrote this little 80’s gem of terror. Yes the same man responsible for movies with underwater zombie/shark fight scenes and close up eye gougings.

Cheryl (Natasha Hovey) is your typical American girl living in the big American city (which appears to be West Berlin but whose nit picking?) On her way home from her communist rally she is stalked by a chromed masked guy in break dancin’ parachute pants who is giving away some free movie tickets. This stalker-marketing approach seems to work as she asks for another ticket for her equally dim-witted big haired friend-Hannah (Fiore Argento.)

That night at the theater opening, a big frizzy haired workers dressed like a giant leprechaun works the ticket booth and patrol the audience with her annoying flashlight. Among the small audience there’s a blind man and his seeing-eye girlfriend whose job it is to explain what’s happening in the film. She also likes to sneak away to make out with the greasy stranger in the back of the theater. There’s also a pimp and a couple of his employees taking a break from a long day at work. I knew he was a pimp from his disco leisure suit and the giant satellite sized gold medallion around his neck.

While at the theater Cheryl and her friend encounter a couple yuppies in polo shirts and tennis sweaters just fresh from shooting their docker pants commercials. Anyone that wears a sweater wrapped around their neck deserve a demon attack. The movie-within-the movie begins and has some teens motor-crossing across some ancient ruins eventually encountering a burial mask that turns them into a pointy teethed demon creatures. While seeing this on screen one of the theater patrons also transforms into a drooling demon and goes on a carnivorous rampage turning other theater patrons into monsters via some vicious neck slashing, eye gougings (of course) and impromoto lynchings. The survivors try to flee only to find an apparently fast contractor built a wall over the exits trapping them in so they instead barricade themselves on the balcony hoping for a rescue.

Meanwhile in what seems and entirely separate film, some coke snorting cola drinking Billy Idol fans are cruising the streets in on of their mom’s station wagon. Exchanging witty banter and eluding the cops through a series of carefully signaled right turns, they break into the now demon possessed theater. But unfortunately they get turned into demons themselves….so not really much of a character change for them. The movie continues into a cat and mouse chase ending with a helicopter crash. Yeah I was confused too.

What is the mystery of the creepy theater? Who will survive the night? Why do movie snacks cost more than the tickets? How many times did I mention the word “demons” in this review? All these questions and more are answered in “Demons.” This is one of few “Italian made, English dubbed, movies filmed in West Berlin that is supposed to be an American city” movies that I’ve enjoyed, so I say check it out and always be sure to check your pimps and ho’s for demon scratches.

Keep an eye out for…

– ticket scalping Phantom of the Opera rejects
– bald pimps in white leisure suits
– face scratching Halloweens props
– motorcycling samauri lobby displays
– illegal use of Billy Idol music in a station wagon
– eye gouging, neck scratching, leg chewin’, finger choppin’ demon party animals
– the handy-dandy Ginsu demon slicer

If gold medallions are a sign of being a pimp would Mr. T be the king of all pimps? I pity da pimps.

rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Demons

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