Archive for the 'Horror movies' Category

May

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Troll 2

“We have a strict no plaid…no hat…no service policy here in the town of Nilbog.”

Well after seeing what I thought are some of the worse films captured to celluloid, this barrel scraper actually lifts up the barrel to find a scummy underlining of cinematic excrement. It’s legendary among b-movie fans for it’s pure awfulness and it really does exceed it’s reputation. It’s not actually a sequel to Troll 1 as this films contains no story, no acting, and amazingly no trolls! There are however midgets dressed in cheesy goblin masks prancing through the woods and eating people they turned into green goo. This Italian directed American horror film is so bad it’s like it’s some sort of weird alternate universe of movies where actors have only 3 emotional responses…. dull, apathetic, or wooden. The cast obviously needed to get back to their day jobs at Arby’s.

It starts with the world’s dumbest family who decide a neat vacation would be to switch houses for the summer with a farmhouse family. “No Dad we don’t want to go to Disney world…let’s go stay on a farm instead!” They travel to a town called NILBOG. Yes they named it NILBOG…the creative writers really burned out a few brain cells coming up with that unique name.

The family’s creepy kid Josh, played by Michael Stephson, sweats and grimaces like he’s constipated. He hallucinates that he’s turning into a tree or sees the floating head of his dead grandfather who warns him of the evil that lurks in NILBOG. Josh tries to warn his parents of the goblin threat through constant whining and some food urination but that surprisingly doesn’t get him very far. Also making her debut is the popcorn goblin queen Creedence played by Deborah Reed. Her acting style can best be described as excruciating and her overacted monologues would make William Shatner jealous. Along for the ride is Josh’s sister who can only be calmed by a round of singing “row row row your boat”, a song the mom “likes so well.” She must be on the same medication as her constipated son. The Dad just drives the car and threatens his children with food strikes if they don’t shape up which is an effective if not weird form of punishment. There’s also a gang of annoying teens that camp nearby in a big old RV . This is convenient for the dim witted yet still much smarter goblins who end up turning them into walking salad bars. I never knew goblins hated meat before I saw this movie and I still don’t I care.

I really can’t you give you much of an overview of the plot. There really wasn’t one. Maybe you can find it along with an actual troll. I consider this required viewing for b-movie enthusiasts but be prepared for some deep hurting. May I suggest downloading the rifftrax by MST3K Michael J. Nelson to make this movie much more bearable and even more hilarious. So check it out and “Be afraid be twice as afraid!”

Keep an eye out for…

– popcorn lovin’ goblin queens
– floating talking heads of dead relatives
– row-row-your-boat of terror
– pale green food topped with green goo..yummy.
– potted teens…and they’re not even high.
– trolls? where are the trolls? I see goblins but no trolls?
– a town named NILBOG? I knew this movie would be a big pile of PARC
– did I just see an evil monkey fart flames and fly into the air?
– demented Ewoks on crack wearing goblin masks
– RV cruising teen geeks
– 9 year old whiny kids with glandular problems.
– Gatoraid sweating
– the double decker bologna sandwich anti-goblin defense
– sheriff Freak…yes that his real name.

“There’re sandwiches for tonight! It’ll go easier on you if you eat’em. Otherwise, we’ll be forced to kill you VIOLENTLY!” -resident goblin

rated 1.4 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Troll 2

Apr

posted by admin | April 30, 2007 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies

Comments Off on Sleepaway Camp

Sleepaway Camp

“Lemon-lime leisure suits…look out ladies!”

I think Jason rightly avoided this campsite when he saw all the ugly kids running down the hill. Even Jason has standards. Sleepaway Camp is another slasher flick that supposedly will disturb and scare you with it’s shock and brutality. I was mostly scared from the bad acting and the tiny man shorts.

The story revolves around this mute girl Angela, and her brother Ricki who are heading to camp Arawak for the summer. Arawak from the Indian translation “crappy movie.” The trip was probably just an excuse for them to get away from their creepy Mary Poppins on crack mom who is a few tacos short of a fiesta platter. Cut to the next scene and it’s is all the kids running down this hill toward the camp like some sort of running of the bulls in Pal bona. The camp is managed by a icky group of old guys and a handful of teen rejects from Welcome back Carter and Fame. (if you don’t know either of those two references you’re too young…and it’s pass your bedtime.)

The kids and counselors start getting picked off in increasing numbers and in even more brutal ways, yet no one never decided to just send the kids home. Safety was never a big concern back in the 80’s. The supposed shocking twist at the end was a little creepy but I figured out the murder before the first body bag so I didn’t get much from it. I’d say check it out it for it’s hilarious acting and the final creepy scene along with a couple of gruesome kills between all the talking.

Keep an eye out for…

– giant corn cookers
– cheesy 80’s cut-off shirts
– downhill kid racing
– water balloon roof tossing
– mute girl tossing
– Phantom Menace George Lucas guest cameo
– canoe tipping
– thin shower walls
– bee wrangling
– snack attacks
– fake cops with fake mustaches

With all that murdering going on you’d think nobody would want to play a game of capture the flag but the fun must go on at camp Arawak!!!

rated 6.4 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out this brief video overview of Sleepaway Camp I put together for your viewing.

Apr

posted by admin | April 23, 2007 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Horror movies

Comments Off on Blood Shack

Blood Shack

“Yup sir, in real estate it’s all about location, location, location!”

Blood Shack… no it’s not a hit song by the B52’s but it is a crappy movie that will take away a bit of your soul. I’ve endured the horrors of Gymkata, suffered the Swayze-isms of Roadhouse but I had yet to know such pain as Blood Shack. From the director that brought us such memorable films as “The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and became Mixed Up Zombies!” comes a new level in strange and dull horror. Originally called “The Chooper” but also known in some circles as “Curse of the Evil Spirit”, the film was made for well under $500 putting the “b” back in budget b-movies.

The plot is as nearly as thin as our main flag pole shaped hero, Daniel. He likes to work on his desert landscaping by poking the dirt occasionally with a shovel and moving rocks from one pile to another. Danny-boy also likes striking a pose leaning on his shovel in front of his poorly constructed triple wide trailer….that about sums up his daily routine. Oh he also enjoys mumbling and then suddenly bursting into fits of verbal abuse towards his two grimy kids to break up the monotony. The kids portrayed convincingly by the director’s own children pass the time by playing musical chairs with only a single chair (will the fun ever stop?) They also trying to sneak into the haunted shack next door to jump on the stained matress like a trampoline. A rare film in which furniture actually out acts the cast.

Carolyn Brandt a real b-movie actress who plays herself, inherits the land the shack resides on and is determined to keep it since it has a underground lake. No green grass in sight for miles so you just have to take their word for it. The house is also supposedly haunted by an Indian demon called a Chooper that kills everyone that crosses its threshhold, which up to that time has been just a whiny teenager and a local plump sheriff who practically sweats grease so it’s not exactly legendary. When the terror of the chooper is finally revealed it’s carrying some sort of BBQ sqewer and is wearing what appears to be a bad ninja outfit you’d buy at a halloween store. Oh the horror…please make it stop.

The movie originally was only about 55 minutes long so they had to go back and add some additional footage which amounted to endless stock footage of rodeos to make it feature length! That’s the true horror of “The Chooper.” I think there’s a special place in Hell for the really bad people where they make them watch this movie over and over again.

 

I’d say check it out simply for it’s awfulness so anything you’ll see after it will taste like a fine four-course meal. The most action this movie has is simply trying to find the hidden Joe Bob Briggs commentary track buried in the DVD extras. It makes the whole movie much more digestible.


Keep an eye out for…

– mattress stains in the shape of Maryland
– gratuitous use of rodeo footage
– 2 shallow buried bodies
– hat flyin’
– ninja pajamas
– roof leapin’ chooper demons
– rock landscaping
– voice overs…and overs…and overs

I have never seen a movie where the director puts up posters of his other movies in a film. It’s like he’s saying “Yeah I know this film sucks, but maybe you’ll like one of these instead!”

rated 1.9 out of 10 for the movie and 8.6 for Joe Bob Briggs Commentary track.

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out this brief video overview of Bloody Shack I put together for your enjoyment.

Apr

posted by admin | April 1, 2007 | Action, B-movie Reviews, Comedy, Cult Film, Drama, Horror movies, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Donnie Darko

Donnie Darko

“I just can’t make sense out of these pumpkin carving instructions
!”

You know you’re watching some special when you have a giant demonic bunny and Patrick Swayze as a cheesy motivational speaker both in the same film. I was half expecting spouts of Roadhouse wisdoms like “pain don’t hurt” or “Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary.” Oh poor Patrick how far you have fallen. But fortunately he’s only a minor character in the tangled time travel web of Donnie Darko.

Jake “I’m not the same guy that plays spiderman” Gylenhall stars the title role of Donnie, a troubled teen who likes to sleep at golf courses and on roadside corners. Is Donnie just a secret binge drinker who can’t get a cab? Hard to tell, but when he starts hallucinating giant bunny rabbits who tell him the world is ending you’ve got to wonder. Donnie gets more words of wisdom from this demonic Bugs Bunny telling him to do warm fuzzy things like setting Patrick Swayze’s house on fire and flooding the local highschool. The only thing I’d think a flood in a school would do was to cut into their snow days, but it’s all part of a master plan of the creepy bunny to set thing right in the universe. Donnie’s new girlfriend Gretchen (not her real German name) is about as messed up as he is so it’s not surprising she is inadvertently killed off by a Trans-Am towards the end of the film. (sorry major plot point….Death by Pontiac.)

A breach in the fabric of time and space occurs potentially causing the universe to implode much like Sanjaya Malakar winning American Idol would do. Donnie’s only course of action is to load up his dead girlfriend in the car and take her to look-out mountain for a better view of the end of the world. Makes sense? No? Well fortunately Drew Barrrymore and Noah Wyle who play teachers at the school try to explain things but it only further confuses the viewer.

Lots of heavy time travel mumbo-jumbo-jet engine falling Donnie crushing excitement. If John Hughes was hooked on crack and was lying in the gutter somewhere in the 80’s he would have thought of this convoluted plot line. A fantastic movie to stretch out your brain muscles to along with some great vintage 80’s music make it one of the top cult films of the decade. I’d recommend watching this movie at least two or three times. It makes even more sense when you’re sober so put the beer down and give it a try.

Keep an eye out for…

– Hulk-a-mania
– pyromania
– gratuitous use of the term “Sparkle Motion”
– Trans-Am mayhem
– obsessive mailbox checking
– tramp-o-leans
– indulgent pumpkin carving
– poor jetliner quality control
– demonic giant bunnies

“Cellar door” is not the most beautiful combination of words in the english language…I like the words “free buffet”

rated 9.4 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Donnie Darko

Mar

posted by admin | March 16, 2007 | B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Cult films, Cult movies, Horror movies

Comments Off on Bubba Ho-Tep

Bubba Ho-tep

“That’s either Elvis or a werewolf.

Ho-Tep-1. Relative or descendent of the 17 Egyptian dynasties, 3100-1550 B.C. 2. Family surname of Egyptian Pharaoh (king).

Bubba-1. Male from the southern U.S. 2. Good Ole Boy
3.Cracker, Red Neck, Trailer Park Resident.

Slap the two together like peanut butter and bananas you’ve got yourself a fine b-movie sandwich called Bubba Ho-Tep. Bruce Campbell stars as the king of rock n’ roll who secretly now resides in a creepy retirement facility (the waiting room for God.) and no Elvis has not left this building..in fact he’s pretty much stuck in bed talking to himself and complaining about a growth on his pecker that may or may not be cancer.

Elvis had decided to trade places with an Elvis impersonator a few years back. You’d think that if you were Elvis and wanted to blend with the crowd you trade with a middle aged over-weight league bowler from Biloxi. Good hip movement is critical in a successful bowling technique after all.

His performance days are put to an end though when he breaks his hip during a local impersonation show (there goes the bowling league) and is sent to spend his remaining days at a anti-luxury retirement center in the Texas backwoods. He soon discovers that residents are dying off faster than usual and with the help of his friend John F. Kennedy, a aging black man who thinks he’s the former president, they begin to unravel the mystery. Turns out it’s an ancient mummy who has taken up residence at the home for it’s all you can eat buffet of death and is sucking residence souls through any available orifice (yeah you get the picture). He’s also a very snappy dresser in his mummy cowboy boats and hat and is generally ticked off at being dead.

Elvis and JFK do battle against this ancient pharoah with the help of their walker and motorized wheel chair while they attempt to defend the home’s residents against the onslaught of the mummy’s soul-food diet.This is a great little horror/comedy that if anything will make you be even nicer to your kids so they don’t put you in a similar home when you’re old.

Keep an eye out for…

– BBQ/napalm trailer park accidents
– soul sucking redneck mummies in cowboy boots
– offensive Egyptian bathroom graffiti
– kleptomaniac Grandmas
– motorized wheel chair kung-fu
– Senior Walkers Texas Rangers
– flying Elvis

at no point did Elvis say “uh hey there uh pretty mummy”
rated 8.4 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for Bubba Ho-Tep.

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