Archive for the 'Horror movies' Category

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posted by admin | March 5, 2007 | 70's movies, B-movie Reviews, Horror movies

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Blood Sisters

“shhhhh…did someone say there’s a sale on plaid!?

In the fine cinematic tradition of Hell High, Halloween, and Friday the 13th, Blood Sisters is another slasher wanna-be where the madness and mayhem all stem from an innocent kid going through traumatic events thereby making them psycho killers adults. All child actor stars should be watched carefully by law enforcement if this is the case. The movies start when a little girl calls a young boy a pervert because he doesn’t have a father. This doesn’t make any sense at all..wouldn’t that make him a bastard and not a pervert?

Apparently it traumatizes the boy much more than the fact then he’s the son of a prostitute who lives in a nearby brothel house. This small business startup apparently was overlooked by the neighborhood association. The Victorian house is filled with some weird ladies of the night dressed in strange westerns neo 18th century wardrobes just hanging around looking like they just took a dozen Benadryls.

Well business goes bad when one of the patrons and an employee of the month is killed via a double barrel shot gun. The brothel is shut down for good apparently not just for breaking some local noise ordinances. Eeesh did anybody notice before that there was a house of hookers in the neighborhood?

Flash forward 13 years and the co-eds of a local sorority are pledging their new members. Much like a PBS pledge drive it consists of weird rituals, white robes, and drinking goats blood. Their next secret initiation is spending the night in the legendary abandoned whorehouse which is also now supposedly haunted. Before their arrival some dorky frat guys who barely can muster enough intelligence to carry a box through a doorway set up pranks to scare the girls. Every stereotype of girl arrives there, nerdy girl, trashy girl, won’t stop talking girl, snobby girl, plus some other girls who apparently are so dispensable that there names aren’t even mentioned. I believe in the credits they’re referred to as big haired victims#1-4. Take count as they all kinda look alike in the set’s bad lighting.

Watch in horror as the girls try to escape to their van only to find that it won’t start (shocking!) and while complaining that it’s too cold to stay there decide to go back into the house where the murder still lumbers around. Apparently they’d rather be killed than a bit chilly. It’s a guessing game who the murderer is but if you pay only the slightest attention you’ll figure it out. This movie is lame and it’s only saving grace is the terrific commentary track by Joe Bob Briggs and for that it is well worth taking a look.

Keep an eye out for…
– jack-in-the-box scene of terror
– JCPenny manquin noosings
– flying scarfs
– shot-gun view-cam
– dangerous over-acting
– special f/x ghost hookers

rated 3.1 out of 10 for the movie (8.8 for the commentary track and interview)
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the quality acting in this pivotal scene from Blood Sisters

Jan

posted by admin | January 29, 2007 | Horror movies, Sci-Fi

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The Thing

“Found another ancient Michigan Blogger.. apparently froze to death like the others.”

John Carpenter, the king of 70’s & 80’s horror, brings us this great film. Kurt “Don’t call me Pliskin” Russel plays R.J. Macready, the leader of a desolate arctic observation outpost. As 6 months of darkness are nearing, which is about the only thing they have to look forward to, a Norwegian outpost nearby is suddenly destroyed in some sort of mysterious Norwegian way. Luckily a dog escapes while being hunted by a Norwegian helicopter which unfortunately also explodes. Apparently Norwegians can’t handle explosives safely and have poor animal control policies. Well this dog is special..not in the the sort of way of it can play fetch or roll over but it does have the ability to absorb and takeover over other life forms in gruesomely horrific ways. Count yourself lucky your pet can’t do that. It would make dog shows much more entertaining though.

No one in the outpost trust each other and they soon realize that anyone of them could now be the alien as it’s discreetly takes over people one by one. Snake Pliskin… oops I mean RJ McReady devises a homemade test to out the creature by electrifying petry dishes of everyone’s blood samples. Apparently this is not just to see who get’s grossed out first. the outpost luckily has stocked up flame throwers for the winner. So the films ends up to be a drive-by alien BBQ frenzy ala Kurt Russell. If it moves or scurries then Kurt will cook it.

Great atmosphere and paranoia along with amazing special F/X makes this one of the all time classic horror movies. I say check it out and wear a warm coat while watching it.

Oh and keep an eye on your dog. He’s looking kinda funny.

 

Watch out for.

– petrie dish kung-fu
– arctic BBQ parties
– creepy Quaker Oats guy
– easy CPR based arm removal techniques
– the dog kennel of horrors
– gratuitous use of flares

What’s the difference between Arctic winters and Michigan winters? Michigan winters have pot holes.

Wasn’t the chef in the muppets Norwegian?

rated 9.3 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for the Thing

Jan

posted by admin | January 23, 2007 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, Horror movies

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Hell High

“he-he…he-he….I like pie

Bad things happen when you let creepy little girls go out and play in swamp duck blinds. Parental supervision in this movie is at all a time low when a young Brooke Storm accidentally impales some horny motorbike cross-swamping enthusiasts onto a strategically placed rusty gate. Duck blinds only lead to death and mayhem…remember that folks. Flash forward 18 years only because the movies tells us to and Brooke is now a stereotypical unbalanced high-school biology teacher. She’s having trouble dealing with a student named Dickens and his small brain-dead following of Queenie and Smiler. Apparently in the 80’s not a lot of thought was given to intimidating gang nicknames.

Jon-Jon an ex-football star played by Christopher “I can’t act” Cousins is the newest and least despicable character of this gang. That’s not saying a lot as all the characters are pretty low on the morality ladder. This rough gang of 4 decide to rebel against high school by doing things like tossing school report papers into the air, sitting in the bleachers complaining, being peeping toms, and tearing up the football field with their giant boat of an Oldsmobile. Man, if this was modern day high-school they would have been beaten, stuffed in a locker, and forced to ride the little bus to school.

These losers decides to play a prank on Brooke’s house by splattering it with mud and swamp slime further causing her to have some sort of Vietnam flashback. So Brook ends up going postal and goes on a murderous revenge spree on the gang. There’s a pencil to the head, rock to the face, knife to the throat, ouch! Who will survive? I don’t care.

Am I scared of duck blinds now? Yes I am.

Joe Bob Briggs has a great commentary track on this one. Watch the movie first then listen to the Joe Bob commentary track turned on. It’s hilarious.

 

Keep an eye out for.

– Slime-o-rama
– abandoned duck blinds used as kids playhouses
– lazy man football touchdowns
– peculiar placement of rusty gates in open fields
– body doubles
– the deadliest weapons of all– rocks, pencils, and swamp mud.

by the way is that a swamp or is it a field? you decide.

rated 7.3 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out a TV promotion of Hell High

Jan

posted by admin | January 8, 2007 | 80's movies, B-movie Reviews, Horror movies

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House

” Don’t turn around honey. I don’t want you to see me in the morning without my makeup.”

What happens when you combine Platoon, Evil Dead, and the Greatest American Hero? You get a movie called “House.” No it’s not the story of a sarcastic limping doctor addicted to pain killers or how a group of contractor fix up an old Boston home. It’s the original comedy/horror hybrid by which countless others…well just a really bad sequel would follow.

 

William Katt now apparently rendered powerless of his TV super hero powers as the Greatest American hero plays Roger Cobb, a reclusive recently divorced horror writer. His son went missing years ago at his aunt’s giant creepy house and he hasn’t been able to write a good book since. His Aunt hangs herself in the very same house, so It only makes logical sense that he would want to stay there and write his next novel with all those heart warming memories. Roger starts seeing and hearing weird things around the house…things like floating garden tools, voices, and the supernatural appearance of Norm from the TV show cheers. He’s actually the neighbor but it took me by surprise, I wanted to someone to yell “Norm!” everytime I saw him. The house apparently attracts 80’s TV show actors like mosquitoes to campers. Roger soon learns that his son is trapped by the ghosts somewhere deep in the home and prepares to begins battle with a series of gruesome ghouls bent on his demise. His neighbor “Norm!” suspecting that Roger is one car short of a chase scene decides to check up on him. Roger incorrectly informs him that he has trapped a “Raccoon” in his closet and needs his help to get rid of it. The racoon turns out to be a vicious demon hellspawn instead though I’d have a tough time distinguishing the difference. Roger makes some goofy decisions in trying to get his son back safely. I think there wasn’t enough brain cells for his prozac to be effective that week. It all leads up to a battle with an old army buddy who is now much uglier and much deader. This horror movie is obviously intentionally funny and is downright creepy when it needs to be. Check it out.

 

Keep an eye out for.

-Roger’s scary v-neck 80’s sweaters

-Giant demon ex-wife creature with anger management issues

-Demon fishing without a license

-Bull from Night Court as an 7 ft tall un-stealthy Vietnam solider

-Garden tool kung-fu

-Backyard demon planting

-Medicine cabinet cross dimensional portals (hey can’t you buy those at Home Depot?)

rated 8.3 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

House Movie Trailer

Jan

posted by admin | January 1, 2007 | B-movie Reviews, Horror movies

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Slither

“I’m bringing sexy back. Yeah”

Welcome to a new year and nothing says 2007 better than slimey little parasitic aliens. This little gruesome film comes to us from the demented mind of James Gunn who directed the most excellent Dawn of Dead remake (Yes I know zombies can’t run.) This cocktail of gore is one part “The Blob“, 2 parts “Night of the Creeps“, and another part an ipecac. The small town of Wheesley is visited by a meteor falling to the woods. When can a meteor just fall and not bring evil parasites?!…why can’t it just bring a refreshing scent of pine like a giant air freshener. But no, this one like all the others before it has to carry a parasitic alien bent of world conquest. And with every meteor you have your local redneck “Grant” played by Michael Rooker. Grant of course has to go check out the meteor and poke it with a stick. The parasite takes over Grant and starts mutating him into a cow slaughtering dog eating tentacle growing squid-man. Turns out Grant has a plan to take over the planet by “spreading his seed” and impregnating an old girlfriend with these creepy slithering slugs (hence the title) who zombify the local town folks by entering through their mouths and taking over the brain. Who would have thought the best defense against aliens is to cover your mouth…save your life and stop halitosis. The zombie residents then attach themselves to the big squid creature to make an even bigger squid creature to absorb all life on the planet. It’s like some sort of twisted Republican party without the corporate sponsors.

Things to watch for.

  • Giant blimp barn girl who enjoys walks in the woods, hanging out at bars, and eating cute woodland creatures
  • A mayor with tourettes syndrome who screams like a little girl
  • Gratuitous use of haircare products as weapons
  • Attacking deer kung-fu
  • Frightening scenes of line dancing

It’s hilarious and gruesome in equal doses and it’s a worthy entry into the b-movie hall of fame. Give it a try.
rated 8.6 out of 10 for the movie
learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Watch the trailer for Slither

About the Highway

Lost Highway is your satirical detour down the twisted back roads of b-movies and cult films reviews. learn more >>