Hi, I’m Mary O’Reilly O’Toole O’Shea…April fool’s! It’s Donna Bleed! I’ve never been too good at pranks, never have needed to be. After all, there are many ways of being clever! Our flick for tonight, in case you hadn’t guessed is April Fool’s Day!

Muffy St. John has invited her closest friends to her island mansion for a weekend getaway on Spring Break. We get introduced to Nikki right off the bat, she’s the sassy, sexy one; then Chaz, the cute artistic womanizer; Arch, the hunky jock who’ll sleep with anything that has a pulse; Kit, the good girl; Nan, the nerdy prude; Hal, the gold-digger; Rob, the sensitive guy; and Skip, Muffy’s distant cousin.

Skip and Arch are playing mumbledy-peg when it all goes wrong. Don’t throw knives, kids! Rob and Buck dive in to the rescue, but oh! It turns out to be a prank! Skip and Arch cooked up a fake knife and a blood bag without anyone noticing! Buck the deckhand decides to stay in the water to tie the ferry to the dock, but Captain Cal drives it right into him, and Buck’s face meets the propeller. A lot of screaming and blood, but luckily, Sherriff Sam is right there on the scene, whisking Cal and Buck off to the hospital, and making sure the yuppies know to stay put on the island. (The island that has no way off of it, aside from the ferry that now has no captain, but we’ll overlook that)

Basically, what we have here is the flower of over-privileged 80’s college students out to take over the world, and who have no idea what they want to do with their lives, trapped in a mansion that’s been rigged to annoy and upset them. They have special party favors hidden in their rooms and the one in Nan’s sends her into a pure-d tizzy; a tape of a crying baby hidden in her closet, hinting at some dark past.  Nikki has a drawer full of S&M gear, and everyone else is confused and mildly put out by theirs. Arch goes on a great nookie hunt, and stumbles in on Chaz and Nikki in a position that the doctor from Human Centipede would be proud of. I’ve never seen anyone make the sign of the triple-gilled anteater like that before or since.

Then things take a turn; Skip meets with misfortune in the boathouse during the night. Muffy has made a vicious personality change, and nobody much seems to care that Skip is missing until Rob and Kat attempt to make the sign of the electrocuted mud weasel and his dead body floats past. Then in classic style, they all split up.

I have to admit, this movie isn’t much on thrilling action so much as it is all about the psychological. Red herrings abound as they blame the ferry captain and Buck for the mayhem. People are getting picked off one by one; the water goes out and Nikki ends up in the well with Nan’s body and the decapitated heads of Skip and Arch. Then Hal, Chaz, and Nikki eat it in imaginary ways; we even have a pruning of the wangdoodle.

Soon, none but Rob, Kit, and Muffy are left. We get thrilling chases, during which there are pictures found of Muffy and…Buffy? Who’s Buffy? Oh, only Muffy’s psycho twin sister, who has decided that she and all her friends all have to go…permanently. It all ends with Rob locked in the pantry, and a showdown between Kit and Buffy, and in her final moments Kit stumbles into the den where she finds…

Everyone. They’re all alive and well, and laughing it up. Rob is released from the pantry by Buck, who is scaring him half crazy, when he takes off the prosthetic makeup and slaps it on Rob’s face and gives him a big ol’ smacker before chasing him to the Den. Everyone yells “April Fool’s,” and Muffy lets the cat out of the bag. There is no Buffy, but her twin is Skip. She’s going to lose her inheritance unless she can

maintain the upkeep on the mansion, so she’s decided to turn the mansion into a murder mystery house, and her friends are the guinea pigs. Aww, what a wholesome activity.

There’s one final prank, but I’ll let you see it for yourselves.

Roadside Totals:2 breasts, no dead bodies, no quarts blood, 3 quarts fake blood, 3 mannequin heads,  1 simulated wangdoodle removal, prank-fu, feathered hair-fu, exploding cigars, jack-in-the-box scares.

I think it’s what inspired M. Knight to make every movie have a twist.

What is it about isolated houses on creepy islands that draw evil like flies to potato salad.  It’s a wonder anyone moves out of the city at all with all these free range demons and masked psychos roaming the hills. Some blame urban sprawl but it’s probably just to keep up ridiculously high townhouse prices.

“Let’s Scare Jessica to Death” just furthers this notion that country living ain’t safe for city folks. Jessica (Zhora Lampert) has just been released from a mental institute and her husband thinks driving her out to a fruit orchard in a hearse  might do her some good.

They take a ferry out to an island that has a town filled with geriatric mall walkers that don’t take kindly to strangers. Jessica and her husband,  Tim, also bring along their hippy 3rd wheeler (Kevin o ‘Conner) mostly so he can napalm their apple orchard with more chemicals than were dropped on Vietnam.

They discover the house is already home to a pale skinned squatter (Maricelliol Costello) who looks a bit like a young Reba Mcentire. She even plays guitar, so that means no TV, plenty of apple pies and sing alongs around the kitchen table. That is  at least until the peppermint Schnapps wears off.

Soon Jessica starts to hear voices in her head while  she’s frolicing out in a lake infested with floatie dead girls. (I caught one of them on a spinner lure once.) Later on, their undead house guest puts the moves on Tim. He’s a balding unemployed cello player  so you can see the obvious attraction. Tim thinks Jessica has already slipped back into wackoville so he makes the sign of the two headed wombat with the creepy skinny vampire on the living room floor. It’s like making love to a red headed pipe cleaner. Pretty soon everyone is doubting Jessica’s sanity  including Jessica. She starts seeing dead antique dealer just washed up onshore (a hutch appraisal gone horribly wrong) and shows off her new pet rat that just got mysteriously slaughtered in a pickle jar. Everyone start getting vampire hickies and Jessica is left alone to fight the neck sucking ghost while fending off groping old men in fishing vests. Creepy atmosphere tied together with hippy folk singin’ makes this movie ground chuck full of weird. Roadside Attractions: casket cello cases, marco polo water sports, vampire hickies, chemical spray frolicing,  hippie hating townfolks, geriatric flash mobs, rowboat workouts. It’s Carnival of Souls meets Woodstock without the laced brownies. Barry Goodall says to check it out and be sure to wash your apples before eating.

Tiger Sixon was locked up in a secret desert base with only the government’s cache of weapons grade B-movies to keep him entertained. No one knows why the government locked up one of their best operatives, but it is rumored to involve aliens, a spaceship, and a hefty bar tab. He lost an eye in an accident with a lobster and pogo stick. Now here’s Tiger’s first b-movie review from the confines of his jail cell. Food of the Gods.

Any time a film starts with “based on a portion of a novel” you know yer in for somethin’ special. That’s the case with FOOD OF THE GODS. It is based on “a portion” of H. G. Wells’ book of the same name.

But what portion? A sentence? A paragraph? That would be like reading Moby Dick and making a movie based on the ship’s cook, but still calling it Moby Dick.

But let’s get down to brass tacks—FOOD OF THE GODS ain’t a cookin’ film. This ain’t no JULIA AND JULIA. Heck, it ain’t even ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES. This is a nature revenge film.

It is kind of like THE HAPPENING, except there’s no Marky Mark and it didn’t piss me off.

The film starts out with narration by our hero, “My name is Morgan, and I play football.” That reminds me of my last group psych evaluation here at the base: “Hi, my name is Tiger and I [CLASSIFIED].”

The opening credits at a snow covered football field feature bouts of freeze frame action—not to build tension, but to draw attention to the fact that the producers dropped some serious Loonies to shoot at a Canadian football field.

Morgan, who looks like the ‘70s version of Sean Penn, treats us to another voice over, going on to explain that his father, who was apparently a prophet, warned him that someday, nature would have enough and seek revenge. The only thing my dad could predict was the end of a six pack.

Morgan goes on vacation, probably because the rest of the team hates him. The movie doesn’t say so, but you can tell by the look in their eyes that they hate Morgan. Just like I could at my first grade graduation.

Morgan opts to spend a cold weekend on some island in the Pacific North-West with the team’s PR guy and another buddy in tow (does anyone ever say Atlantic North-East?).

On the island they hunt a deer on horseback with a team of foxhounds. Reminds of the last time I was invited to Camp David.

Things take a turn for the interesting when Morgan’s football buddy gets killed by a giant wasp—which is a combination of a giant puppet and a super-imposed photo doing the Cha-cha.

It took a mere seven minutes to get to the first kill of this film. Some folks ain’t got time to bleed; me, I ain’t got time for plot.

Morgan looks for inside a barn, and he finds giant chickens. Get the Colonel on the phone. The chickens proceed to ruin Morgan’s jacket, but his flowing locks remain unscathed. The chickens switch between giant puppets and a split screen of real chickens. Morgan then meets Mrs. Skinner and asks about the massive fowls in the barn.

Mrs. Skinner explains that the feathery behemoths are the result of normal chickens being fed the Food of the Gods. Huzzah. We have a title invocation.

We find out later that the Food of the Gods is thick custard that comes out of a hill in the Skinners’ backyard. If only BEVERLY HILLBILLIES had used the same plot device.

Speaking of the Skinners, Mr. Skinner went to the mainland in hopes of selling the Food of the Gods to a chemical company. He dies via a herd of giant rats when he stops to fix a flat tire. Never stop to fix a flat. CGI can never replace the charm of watching rats chew apart a toy Volkswagen.

Morgan returns to the mainland with the body of his dead pal. The PR guy comes to the football field, which days later is still covered in snow, and says their buddy was killed with enough stings for 250 Police concerts.

Morgan and PR guy return to the island and meet an unmarried couple in a Winnebago, and the lady is pregnant. Instant Drama! Just add a preggo lady.

A pair of folks from the chemical company Mr. Skinner visited also shows up, and hilarity ensues.

And by hilarity, I mean herds of giant rats eating everything in sight. The rats are THE reason to watch this film. They are a combination of puppets and split screen footage of real rats attacking model cars and houses. They run in slow-motion and growl like jaguars.

There is even a lone white rat in the bunch. Hey, maybe this film was based on a portion of Moby Dick too?

Morgan must of read the Anarchist Cookbook in high school, because he is quite apt at makin’ pipe bombs–which he uses to blow up a dam. He figures, while the rats can swim, they are not used to swimming at 150 pounds and will sink. Gravity is a harsh mistress. I learned that the first time I flew a [CLASSIFIED].

Morgan’s theory proves correct, and we’re treated to footage of rats in an aquarium.

But wait, just like my mother in law, the white rat shows up at the last minute. Morgan smashes its head in with the stock of his shotgun. That’ll learn it.

Morgan treats the dead rats to a Viking funeral, and muses aloud, “I guess that’s the end of them.”

Wrong. A jar of the Food of the Gods washes up near a group of cows, which promptly chow down. Said cows are then milked, and the film cuts to a scene of school children drinking milk. This is why I only drink the green stuff the base doctor says keeps me from screaming.

Looks like their mom’s are gonna be buyin’ XXXXXL sweaters this Christmas.

Tiger Sixon says, give this flick a watch—but skip it if growling rats running in slow-motion creep ya out.

Puppet punching Hen pecking Giant wasps, chickens, maggots, and rats 1 knife wielding house wife 1 exploding wasp nest Bucket dumping Jar breaking 1 toy Volkswagen 1 toy Winnebago Growling rats Rat Drowning Rat-B-Que

9 BLOOD the blood is spaced out, but between the giant maggots chewing Mrs. Skinner’s arm and the rats eating people alive, there is plenty to go around—and it is ‘70s neon red blood. And let’s not forget the red paint balls shot at all the rats. 4 BREASTS the only breasts we see in this PG-rated film are those of the giant chickens. White meat or dark? 10 BEASTS Just like a family reunion, there are tons of beasts here. Giant chickens, giant wasps, giant maggots, and a legion of giant rats. 7.7 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Food of the Gods”

It’s 1957 and Mar Lou Maloney (Lisa Schrage) is your resident bad girl who has a hankering for high school guys with receding hairlines. Just in luck, she’s dating Bill, apparently the only senior held back 20 times over. Fortunately she also loves him for his money, but on the side she’s been two timing with a greaser named Buddy. Mostly for the kicks and the free alcohol. This is the type of girl they warn you about on Laverne and Shirley. Her boyfriend finds out she’s been bumpin’ fenders with him back stage at the prom and accidentally sets her on fire with a stink bomb. Her dress goes up like it was crepe paper doused in kerosene but hey it’s the 1950’s, everything was flammable back then. Everyone pretty much stands around like it’s a marshmallow roast while she dies smoldering on the stage just before spotting the dumbfounded Bill in the rafters. That’s the moment when you know a relationship is over.

30 years later Bill, now played by Michael Creepy Ironsides, has taken on principle duty at the same high school after a failed career as a fire fighter, and Buddy the greaser has become a priest. Bill has been trying to fight the impulse to hit his teenage son Craig, with the heel of his shoe and Craig’s been dating homely girl Vicky (Wendy Lyon.) Vicky really puts the “V” back in Virgin. Her momma is so puritanical I expected her to start churning homemade butter any moment. She wants to go to the prom but her mom thinks her green mu-mu dress is perfectly fine and won’t buy her a new one on the slight chance she might expose some ankles and end up pregnant (pink silk is from the devil). Vicky, out of desperation, searches the attic of the high school and stumbles upon an old steamer chest full of prom night memorabilia including a prom crown and royal cap that  still has the fresh scent of Hell. It also possesses the peeved-off spirit of Mary Lou which is then released into the wild to possess Vicky. Possession usually involves head spinning and projectile vomiting but in this case it just gives Vicky Tourette’s syndrome and makes her dress like Donna Reed. Vicky’s friends start dying off one by one and she hallucinates she’s caught up in volleyball nets or served rotting food in the high school cafeteria. “Oh no, it’s not a dream Vicky this really is highschool!!!”

Her demonic rocking horse gets a little tongue frisky and she gets sucked into a chalkboard whirlpool of alphabet soup emerging with a full blown case of Mary-lou-itis. Then it’s all “girls gone wild” as she attacks her friends in the locker room in full-blown nakedness crushing them like a used juice box. Back at home, she throws her momma through the front door like it’s a pygmy dwarf toss. Pastor Buddy realized this was going to happen way too early on and of course is killed off swiftly in a confessional smack down along with a crucifix tracheotomy. Vicky still makes it back in time to help put up prom decorations and get frisky with her boyfriend backstage. Say what you want about Mary Lou, she’s great at time management and Vicky certainly has never been more popular.

That night, the prom is in full 80’s swing, hair is gelled high, collars are popped and Vicky Lou is hoping to finally get her crown while hopefully staying clear of any open flames. Bill, realizing his son is now dating his ex-dead demon girlfriend brings a gun to the dance for some demon target practice. Oddly enough, the thought of going
out to buy or rent books on exorcisms, instead of packing heat and going to a school filled with teenagers, does not occur to him Faster than you can say “Carrie Blood Bath dance off”, The evil Vicky Lou gets shot in the chest while her boyfriend tries to work up some tears. Fortunately you can’t keep a bad girl down, so she sheds her skin revealing a well baked Mary Lou who starts offing the students with her super psychic powers. Yup seen that before. Catholics, possessions and proms, you always end up with a high body count. Mary Lou is one hot lady so it’s best to watch with oven mitts. Barry Goodall says give Prom Night 2 a chance. If you don’t like it, you can always leave the dance and go home with someone else.

Prom-a-que Death by confeitti Neon impalement Demon rocking horse with glandular problems Static cling bed sheets Chalkboard jacuzzi Locker crushing Exploding tombstones Mac attack	6 BLOOD Locker crushing, a couple stabbings, but they didn’t use the giant paper cutter!? How can you not use the giant paper cutter!!? 9 BREASTS So many..I feel sorta dizzy…must sit down. 8 BEASTS Mary Lou what a fine trailer wife you could be. 8.9 OVERALL

Hello Mary Lou..good bye heart…on a stick.

Check out the trailer for “Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II”

Before hocking up demon lugees and jacking bodies (shakes head) in “Jason Goes to Hell”, Jason went on a carnage cruise, and stopped by the Big Apple to paint the city blood red in “Friday the 13th part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan.”

Jason is snoozing at the bottom of Crystal Lake, when whatta know he gets jolted awake by an underwater power cable. Now, wait a second… When did Crystal Lake get underwater power lines? And wasn’t Jason already brought back to life once before using electricity? Well, I guess writer/director Rob Hedden figured that it did the job in “Jason Lives”, so why not use electricity to bring Jason back again in his movie. Though the ironic thing is that later on in the movie Jason gets “killed” by electricity. But I’m pretty sure it was a different kind of electricity.

Well, it isn’t long before a fully charged up Jason comes to the surface, hops on a boat, conveniently finds a new hockey mask (because remember he lost his other mask in the New Blood) and quickly kills two horny teens. He then takes their boat for a short joy ride and uses his ninja-like skills to sneak onto a cruise ship that is filled with (surprise) more teens. Once aboard Jason quickly turns the high school senior trip into a death cruise. The soggy slasher is on his way to racking up a personal best in body count department when, oh, snap!, he botches a kill that causes the ship to start sinking like the Titanic. Of course the remaining survivors freak out and jump into the nearest lifeboat. As they are rowing away, ol’ Jason stays with the ship for some reason. He probably thinks he’s the captain. After Rennie and Co. row for what seems like forever (actually, about a minute) they finally reach the land of high crime rates, pollution, and graffiti covered subway cars, otherwise known as NYC. Not long after docking their boat they receive a very warm welcome from a couple of street thugs who waste no time robbing them using the IRS’s method of collecting money. And to make things worse they kidnap Rennie. Typical horror movie bad luck isn’t it? But that’s not their only problem because guess who tagged along? Yup, Jason. This is a Friday the 13th movie, so who else did you expect? Anyway, he didn’t use his much rumored teleporting ability to get there either. More on that a little bit later. While everybody was busy escaping, the J-man jumped ship and hitched a ride underneath of their rowboat. So much for him going down with the ship.

After the shakedown the rest of the group splits up to look for help. Man, that was a HUGE mistake as Jason manages to find and kill everyone in the group with no problem at all until Rennie and Sean are the only ones who are left. The recently reunited lovebirds are sharing a tender moment in a back alley filled with garbage (how romantic) when third wheel Jason shows up and ruins the smooch-fest. Not surprisingly, they high tail it outta there. Meanwhile, Jason follows them at a distance, strolling at his usual leisurely pace enjoying the sights and sounds of the city. And just when I though they had given him the slip he catches up to Rennie and Sean and follows them into an underground sewer where he quickly ends up getting lost. You know, it’s funny how Jason had no trouble tracking everybody down in city he’d never been to before earlier but now he can’t even find his way around a small underground sewer. I guess his SPS (Slasher Positioning System) couldn’t get a good signal down there.

Now before I forget, I have to mention this whole teleporting phenomena. In the movie Jason has two speeds. Slow, and warp speed. One minute he’s there, the next he’s not, especially when he’s getting ready to kill somebody. At first I was wondering if he had somehow learned a new ability since the last movie. But I’ve seen JTM several times now and I personally think it’s how the film’s edited to make it seem like Jason could be anywhere at any given time? Though towards the end of the movie Jason really starts to slow his pace for some reason. And I wasn’t sure what was going on until I saw the goofy makeup design they made him wear and then it hit me, Jason was dragging his feet because he was dreading his face reveal. And who could blame him. Sadly, he ends up looking about as menacing as the Cookie Monster which was a big letdown, especially after makeup effects effects wizard John Carl Beuchler set the bar so high with his awesome take on Jason in The New Blood. Remember the propeller damage, the machete slash and the ax wound? Well, you won’t see any of that attention to detail this time around. Jason’s once exposed bones are now amazingly covered with skin. I’m guessing no one was supposed to notice that he put on some weight in between sequels. Another thing that bothered me is when little Jason is shown in the flashback sequences he looks cartoonish with his Beetlejuice-like teeth, droopy eye, and long hair. Hmmm… That’s odd, I always remember young Jason having an algae covered Charlie Brown type noggin when he jumped out of Crystal Lake in the original Friday the 13th. Quick, someone call the continuity police! From what I’ve read the makeup “supervisors” who were working on JTM didn’t even bother watching any of the previous movies for research to see how Jason looked in the earlier sequels. But, hey at least they got the part about Jason being dead right.

The walking corpse behind the mask is again played by Kane Hooder. Though I liked his version of Jason in The New Blood a lot better. With the New Blood, Jason just had such an intense on screen presence. He was this pissed off, relentless force who killed anyone that got in his way, that is until he faced off against telekinetic, hottie Tina and ended up getting his butt kicked big time. In Jason Takes Manhattan a vacationing Jason is more concerned with sight-seeing and making us laugh, like when he shows his rotten face to a group of street punks who were playing their music too loud. Apparently, they didn’t know Jason’s not a fan of rap music. Now don’t get me wrong I can appreciate humor just as much as the next person but when it comes to horror movies I really prefer straight-forward scares or at least some kind of suspense. If I want a good laugh I’ll pop in a Jeff Dunham DVD.

Jason Takes Manhattan tried some different things like sending Jason on a cruise and having him visit the Big Apple. However, there were ideas that didn’t work very well like when Rennie was having random hallucinations of a young Jason attacking her as a young girl. Problem is it doesn’t fit within the Friday the 13th time line that was established in earlier movies. And besides that the explanation that’s given for why she was having these “visions” of little Jason won’t make any sense, even if you’re stoned out of your mind. I know this sequel is filled with plenty of flaws and missed opportunities, but I still give Rob Hedden a lot of credit for taking some much needed creative risks with his entry because by this time in the series, fans as well as Jason were suffering from a serious case of cabin fever.

A Deck Hand gets the ax, quite literally 1 harpoon to the back A couple of impalings 3 stabbings A guy gets killer heartburn via a hot sauna rock 2 electrocutions 2 drownings by toxic waste 1 Jack ‘O Jason face reveal 1 slit throat Jason gets a jump start via an underwater power line	2 BLOOD Maybe, a half gallon of the red stuff. The gore in this sequel was pretty tame for a Friday the 13th movie. 4 BREASTS One boobie in real time and 3 skeeter-bites that you can only see if you click the slow-motion button. 4 BEASTS This sequel has 4 monsters, Jason, Rennie’s Uncle Charles, and a couple of street thugs 8.1 OVERALL

Check out the trailer for “Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan”