Archive for the 'Kung-fu' Category

Jan

posted by admin | January 30, 2012 | 80's movies, Action, Horror movies, Kung-fu, Review by Tiger Sixon, Sci-Fi

Comments Off on Devil’s Dynamite

If you’re going to watch one dubbed Asian film about vampires, gamblers, ninja, and tinfoil clad warriors, it may as well be Devil’s Dynamite. Why? Because I doubt another film does as much justice to these subjects. Or even puts them together.

Devil’s Dynamite is a “You got peanut butter in my chocolate/You got chocolate in my peanut butter” situation: it feels like two different films were edited together to form one wacky cinematic cocktail. Film A is about a baddie using vampires to do his evil deeds. Said vampires even do some of these wicked deeds in the day time. And they hop. Yes, hop. In unison. They also have blue skin, and can be kept in check by sticky-notes on their foreheads.

And where is our street walking Hercules to fight these vampires? We find him in, as the film so excellently puts it, “That damn Futuristic Warrior!” Yes, the Futuristic Warrior appears at first to be just an Average Joe. But, in the blink of an eye (or to be more specific, a jump cut) Average Joe can change into the tinfoil covered, motorcycle helmet wearing Futuristic Warrior (who also has the ability to burn children with his touch. Yep). Besides his goofy helmet, the Futuristic Warrior sports a kickin’ neckerchief, too. 90% of fighting vampires is style. The other half is just showin’ up.

Devil’s Dynamite also teaches us, if you punch a vampire hard enough, they disappear in a cloud of smoke. Now you tell me! All that money wasted on hand-carved, artisan stakes.

Film Two in Devil’s Dynamite is some kinda gangster revenge flick. A fallen from grace “gambling king,” just got out of the slammer and is looking for his secret cache of gold. I think. There is something about a kidnapping, and his ex-wife marrying a new boyfriend, but my brain had melted after the Futuristic Warrior/blue vampire sitch. An hour into the 80+ minute film, and I had no idea what was going on.

Was this a bad thing? Nah. The confusion and “What the French toast?” moments made Devil’s Dynamite quite a hoot. In the waning minutes of the film, there is an attempt to marrying Film A and Film Two with a bit of short dialogue, but it really didn’t matter. In a film with a guy in tinfoil suit punching blue vampires (during the day), who cares about plot?

While Devil’s Dynamite is more confusing than trying to read War and Peace upside down, it is highly entertaining and will stick to your ribs: “Why do the vampires hop?” “What’s the Futuristic Warrior’s story?” “Is that little girl actually a ghost?” Tiger says, call the gang over and give this one a watch, you are in for a treat.


Tiger Sixon is forced to watch B-movies from the comfort of a secret government base in Death Valley. He looks nothing at all like Daniel J. Hogan (@danieljhogan) who draws the comic Clattertron.

roadside attractions

  • plastic vampire teeth
  • gang fights
  • knife eye-poking
  • body painting
  • ninja
  • UNDEAD ninja
  • bloody swords
  • blue vampires
  • hopping vampires
  • evaporating vampires
  • tinfoil suits
  • crazy martial arts
  • creepy kids
  • anti-sorcery mirrors
  • bad ass priests
totals

10

blood

BLOOD

As expected in any vampire flick, there is plenty of neck biting. Throw in a few ninja and some gangster brutality, and you have a blood bath on yer hands.

2

blood

BREASTS

We see one lady in a bathing suit, but that is it.

10

beast

BEASTS

Hopping, blue faced vampires and undead ninja (I think). What more could you want? Besides a plot, that is.

7.3 OVERALL
dripper
Jun

posted by admin | June 29, 2010 | Action, B-movies, Comedy, Cult Film, Cult films, Cult movies, Grindhouse, Kung-fu

Comments Off on Super Strange Video: A B-movie Fan’s Paradise


Are you ready to blow a gasket because you just lost a bidding war on eBay for a copy of the Kung Fu laugh-fest 18 Bronze Girls Of Shaolin? If so, take a deep breathe, dial down your stress level several notches, and pull yourself together because we know where you can find this B-movie classic. The place is Super Strange Video which has become our movie store of choice for those rare, and often impossible to find B-movie video treasures. Whatever your taste in cult films are, we’re pretty sure they will have something for you. So, as soon as you finish reading this post be sure to visit Super Strange Video, and check out their impressive selection of B-movies, and TV shows from the 50’s to the 90’s. Also, don’t forget to tell them the guys from Lost Highway sent ya’.

Jun

posted by admin | June 4, 2010 | B-movies, Cult films, Cult movies, Feature, Grindhouse, Kung-fu

Comments Off on Watch b-movies online free with Crackle.com

Our online movie partner Crackle.com has been quit busy building their library of B-movie goodness. You can’t swing a dead cat, and not hit a schlocky nugget of cinema, and if there’s one thing we know about …is dead cat swinging. So don’t go driving drunk to Blockbuster  again only to be disappointed that your only choices are between “All Dogs Go to Heaven”, and 150 copies of “She’s Just Not That Into You.”  Instead check out some of these great, and so bad they’re great online movies all for FREE!! Save gas, save money, adopt a pet cat. We’re Lost Highway, and we’re here to help.

AstroZombies

At first one would think this would be about zombie palm readers or undead astrologists. Actually, it’s just your typical rocket science nerd who wants to make a super-human so he uses dead people’s body parts resulting in a monstrous killer. Oh please, that’s so 18th Century Mary Shelly.

The Blob

How on earth could Jello be this scary? Well it is, and it kills…slowly….very slowly. So, get out your sliced bananas, and whip cream, and get ready for some cherry flavored terror. Now go ahead, and get yourself a snack it’ll take it a while to congeal.

BloodShack

“I got me a car, it’s as big as a whale and we’re headin’ on down to the Blood Shack.” Ahh yes the epic that is “BloodShack” when movies didn’t have to have plots, or acting, and your killer wears Ninja pajamas. Hope you like the rodeo because there’s plenty of it in this little barrel scraper of B-moviedom. Check it out but you’ve been warned.

Check out our review of “BloodShack”

the beyond The Beyond

Real estate is all about location, and owning an old hotel built over one of the entrances to Hell won’t help resale values. Italian horror at it’s creepiest, and weirdest when the supernatural invade Louisiana. It’s a Mardi Gras of evil as zombies, and flesh eating spiders are thrown into the mix. Mama Mia!

Brain Scan

Edward Furlong before he went into rehab discovers a creepy computer game with a warped game show host from hell. This deranged Bob Barker turns him into a late night virtual killer. Not a big career stretch for Eddie…is this guy even still alive?

Drunken Master

Jackie Chan’s best film to date….yes even better than “the Spy Next Door.” Jackie Chan does some crazy stunts, and amazing Kung Fu fight scenes like rolling over hot coals, and spitting fire while battling an evil assassin. If anyone can… Jackie Chan can. Do you get the feeling this guy was a bit hyperactive when we he was a kid?

Earth Vs. the Flying Saucers

Seems like in the 1950’s every Alien that could pilot a ship tried to invade the earth and we’d kick their green butts back to Mars. When will they learn? This time it’s Jiffy pop popcorn tins on strings attacking from other worldly galaxies..so arm thy butter. Award winning special effects by 9 year old Timmy!

Godzilla vs. Mothra

Get the biggest bug zapper you can find because Mothra is on the loose and Godzilla the spicy breathed mutant Gecko lizard is out for a bug hunt. It ends in a three way with Battra, Mothra, and good ol’ Gojira. But will Godzilla still call them in the morning. Tokyo residents really need to get some mutant attack insurance.

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became a Mixed up Zombies

while I eagerly await a TISCWSLABAMUZ PART 2 the original will just have to tide me over. From the same amazing team that brought you “BloodShack.” This time a dopey kid falls in love with a carnival stripper while he’s frolicking around with his weird Russian roommate, and big haired girlfriend. The stripper’s sister is a gypsy who turns him into a zombie so he can go on a killing spree, and hallucinate about chicken puppets. Meanwhile a man with a beard smokes a cigar. Confused? So were we. The movie is guaranteed to leave you breathless…from saying that gigantic title.

The Night of the Living Dead (1990)

Ya know I think this whole zombie thing might actually catch on some day. This is a recent remake of the B&W classic so don’t freak out when you see color. This time Tom Savini takes the directors chair, and does an admirable job giving us some unexpected twists to this classic tale of the rising dead. Yes, they’re still coming to get you Barbara only this time in brilliant technicolor.

Screamers

On a distant plan scientists cross a toaster with a Black and Decker table saw so that they can try to make slice bologna out of Peter Weller. The killing machines are evolving, and cutting down people faster than timber in a saw mill. Where’s Robocop when you need him?

Starship Troopers

The ultimate bug hunt. What amounts to a big slap in the face to fascism, and the military machine this satirical sci-fi action romp is just as fun as it is ridiculous. Why do we travel over half the galaxy to attack bugs on another planet? Must be some oil in them there caves.

Check out our review of Starship Troopers here

Taxi Driver

Robert De Niro can play a creepy psycho like nobody else. What amounts to an urban vigilante movie, Martin Scorsese makes us even more afraid of New York cab drivers. Oh, and Jodi Foster was a pre-teen hooker. Well not in real life…she plays one is this movie. Great, now look at the rumor we started.

May

Comments Off on Video Store Memories: Video Unlimited

Almost every B-movie and horror movie fan out there has a story of how they were introduced to movies–like a cool uncle who let them watch “Porky’s” where they saw their very first set of boobies. For me, I became hooked on B-movies and horror movies after my first visit to Video Unlimited, a video store near where I lived. As a young boy many a weekend and summer were spent watching videos that I rented from both stores; they had two locations. I was very fortunate to have a really cool Mom who would let me watch any kind of movie, regardless of the genre (except porn). Hey, even the coolest Moms have to draw the line somewhere. My Mom became even cooler when I found out she was a big horror movie buff. On her days off from managing the drive-in (Rosen’s), she would usually be watching horror movies with me. Now how many kids can honestly say their Mom likes horror movies?

So, let me get back to my Video Unlimited memories. The one thing that always amazed me about both stores was that even though they weren’t very big, the staff magically found a way to somehow store and showcase thousands of titles. I always wondered if they had access to some kind of interdimensional portal with a limitless supply of videos. Video Unlimited’s selection was a lot like Video Vault in that whatever movie you were looking for, they usually had it or something similar to it.

Videos

And while I’m on the subject of selection, I have to mention the size of the movie rental catalog that was sitting on the front counter of the Laplata location. This thing was HUGE. Think a of a triple-decker club sandwich that is made of phone books, without the ham, lettuce, tomato, bacon, and mayonnaise. To me this catalog was my B-movie bible. I’m pretty sure that whenever I went near it the book was enshrined in a golden light and I heard celestial music coming from up above. Seriously, this catalog contained so many movies from every possible genre and sub-genre that if I live several lifetimes like the Highlander, Duncan MacLeod, I still wouldn’t see all of the movies listed in it. And when I had watched all of the current releases, or I just wanted to focus on a particular genre, this became my go-to book. The selection of the so-called “big boys” of movie rental back then and today–Blockbuster and Hollywood Video–could never compare to the impressive selection of the small Mom-and-Pop video stores. Try calling Blockbuster to find out if they carry “Wood Chipper Massacre”, and the people working there won’t have a clue as to what you’re talking about.

When I moved out of the area I began going exclusively to Video Unlimited’s Waldorf location, their second store. After about a year of renting several movies on a weekly basis and talking about movies with the staff, I was asked for my imput on what B-movies and horror movies the should carry at the store. So I began making movie recommendations based on previews I had seen, articles that I read in ‘Fangoria’ (when ‘Fangoria’ was still a horror magazine), and movie screeners that I had viewed. Yes, I was given movie screeners to watch, which was one of the coolest things to me. In case you don’t know, a movie screener is an advance copy of a movie that is shown to critics and distributors. I saw a lot of screeners, but the one that comes to mind was for the movie “Seed People.” It’s basically Full Moon Entertainment’s version of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” I remember it being an enjoyable little movie, when Full Moon actually made movies worth watching, unlike the Z-grade trash that Charles Band pimps today for a quick buck. Now if helping to select movies and viewing advance copies wasn’t awesome enough, another perk of being a loyal customer was that I had my pick of all the cool posters they had from movies, like “Silent Night, Deadly Night”, “The Fly” (Cronenberg’s version), and “Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood.” In addition, I also got nifty movie promos like trading cards from another Full Moon release, “Subspecies”, which I still have packed in a box somewhere today. This was way before eBay. Back then nobody really thought of this stuff as being collectible or having any real value. To the owners all it was doing at the time was taking up valuable space that could be used to store copies of movies. Now I’m sure that they probably wished they had kept a lot of these posters after seeing how popular and valuable they’ve become over the years.

Soon I got a job at Rosen’s Drive-in, and I didn’t just didn’t have as much time as I used to to watch movies, but I would still visit Video Unlimited at least once a week to say “hi” and to see if there were any new releases that caught my eye. Sure, I saw plenty of movies while working the projection booth at Rosen’s, but I could never get my fill of movies. Similar to Kirstie Alley’s relationship with food. Have you seen her lately? Yikes! She looks like she swallowed a water buffalo.

Movies

Anyway, when I started a professional haunted house attraction a short time later, I found myself with even less time. Things were so crazy that everything quickly became a blur. And before I knew it, one week, two weeks had passed by in a flash, so I decided to stop by my favorite video store to see how things were going. Well, as soon as I walked across the parking lot towards the front door I had a sinking feeling–something wasn’t right. And my feeling was confirmed when I stepped inside and saw the shelves with only a few movies scattered on each of them. All around me there was a feeding frenzy similar to Piranhas attacking a helpless swimmer at a lake resort. People were quickly grabbing and buying VHS cassettes and everything else in the store, except for the floor tiles. I didn’t ask many questions even though I was shocked and upset, because whatever I was feeling was probably nothing compared to what everybody who worked there was going through. This was their business, their livelihood. From what I was told later on the video store had been struggling for a few months. And things only got worse when their rent was raised and Blockbuster (the Walmart of video stores, which isn’t a compliment) moved into town about 300 or so feet away. The competition was simply too strong and they just couldn’t survive any longer.

To this day I don’t understand why someone didn’t tell me what was happening sooner. Maybe I could have done something to help. Though in all honesty, it probably wouldn’t have made much of a difference anyway, because the profit-driven, soulless, corporate video rental chains like Blockbuster and Hollywood Video were gaining momentum in the video rental market, and it was only a matter of time before the small Mom-and-Pop video stores like Video Unlimited would soon disappear. However, the Laplata store was able to say in business for several more years until sadly, in 2002, it was destroyed by a devastating tornado that hit the strip mall where it was located. Last I had heard the owner decided not to rebuild the business.

I hadn’t been to the Laplata location in many years, but hearing the bad news was still a real bummer. It was like loosing contact with a close friend, and then years later finding out that they had passed away. For most of my childhood these two stores had been a very important part of my life. I know it’s just a couple of video stores to most people, but the movies that I was exposed to made me, Drive-in Dan, the B-movie fan that I am today. The movies that I rented from these stores led to other interests that have carried over into adulthood, like my passion for special effects makeup after seeing Tom Savini’s masterful work in films such as “Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter”, “Dawn of the Dead”, and “The Burning.” Watching films such as “Halloween” and Dario Argento’s “Phenomena”exposed me to the unique musical styles of John Carpenter and the Italian Prog Rock band, Goblin, which I still enjoy to this day. After seeing “The Road Warrior” I was inspired to make vehicles and various contraptions using parts from miscellaneous model kits, and today I continue to create things from found objects.

I will always have fond memories of the two Video Unlimited stores. I’m glad that I grew up in the 80’s and was able to be a part of something truly awesome. Hopefully, other B-movie fans out there had their own Video Unlimited while growing up.

Dec

posted by admin | December 24, 2008 | Action, B-movies, Grindhouse, Kung-fu, Review by Barry Goodall

Comments Off on A Christmas Story: Grindhouse Edition

Taglines:

  • If you don’t treat Santa nice he’ll put you on ice.
  • Ralphie has a present for you, a double barrel shot gun of death!
  • Naughty…nice…It doesn’t matter…Ralphie’s the guy with the gun.
  • Santa is belted, buckled, booted, and ready for action.
  • A double dog dare you of death!

Synopsis

Ralphie is a CIA operative who has been working the mean streets of New York for nearly 9 years. His latest assignment is as an undercover mobster within a powerful cartel family called the Parkers. The cartel is run by an overbearing drunken father referred to as “The Old Man.” He’s been selling bunk cocaine from the trunk of his Oldsmobile while the mother, a struggling go-go dancer, sells her homemade stews on the street to help buy more mashed potatoes for the mute brother Randy, it’s the only food he can digest. Mr. Parker collects erotic memorabilia including a highly valuable leg sculpture he imported from the little known southern island of Fragile. It’s his most prized possession.

One brisk winter day, the sculpture gets destroyed in a lower east side drive by. An apparent attack by the Bumpuseses gang, a ruthless group of southern rednecks who have an affinity for training large rabid attack dogs. Mr. Parker however believes it was in an inside job and that he has a rat among his associates. Later that day Ralphie tries to extract some information about the drive-by from Scut Farkus, a freckled face yellow eyed physcopath who demands everyone call him “Uncle.” Dangerous and unpredictable, he wears a hat made of human scalps and will break the arm of anyone who even look at him crossed eyed.

Ralphie hopes to track down his red rider assault rifle which he believes was used in attack on the Parker’s home and could be traced back to him. He beats Scut Furkus senselessy in a back alley until Scut confesses that he’s just a low level henchman for a rich city pimp known as “Big Red.” Big Red is a Santa impersonator at the local mall but is a cover for his underground white slave trade and has an even bigger hatred for Mr. Parker than the city cops. When Ralphie and Randy show up at his headquarters, they get surprised with a trap door that sends them both plummeting to the city streets below where some elve henchmen beat them to a pulp. Battered and bruised, Ralphie finds help from a local teacher known for her strict rules and deathly assassin moves. A teacher and martial arts master so ruthless she is rumored to have nailed a student’s tongue to a flag pole just for him being disrespectful.


After a lengthy recovery and training, Ralphie receives a secret coded message over the radio  from agent Annie who’s been tracking him and his mission’s progress. Project “Drink Your Ovaltine” is a go for Christmas day as a big drug shipment disguised as kid’s chocolate drinks is heading up state. Upon return to the family, Ralphie cover is blown from a phoned-in tip from Flick, a fellow mobster who suspected he might be a cop when he witnessed him talking into his secret decoder ring. Held prisoner at the Parker home Ralphie endures a series of tortures including being gagged with soap and forced to wear a pink bunny suit all for the amusement of the cartel. At his darkest hour a mysterious package arrives at the door bearing a tag that reads “A gift from Santa.” Inside is his red-rider assault rifle loaded and ready for action. He breaks free, grabs the gun and takes out the guards with extreme prejudice. Escaping through a broken window and nearly losing his eye in the process he drives  away in the family’s Oldsmobile. Flat tire and cursing under his breath he eventually makes his way to Chinatown and finds refuge as a fry cook in a small Chinese restaurant. Ralphie now in federal protection, hopes to never be found by the Parkers who want his head on a platter. From that day on the eye patched operative must always watch over his shoulders as the last words from Mr. Parker still haunt him… “Not a finger!” “Not a finger!”

Merry Christmas..Can you dig it suckas?

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