Archive for the 'Kung-fu' Category

Jul

posted by admin | July 15, 2008 | Action, Cult Film, Cult films, Cult movies, Grindhouse, Kung-fu

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Apr

posted by admin | April 11, 2008 | 80's movies, Action, B-movies, Comedy, Cult Film, Cult movies, Kung-fu

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The Last Dragon

“I’m about to open a fortune cookie of Whoop Ass.

When you think Kung-fu masters you think names like Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, Jet li, sometimes Chuck Norris if a drinking game is involved…uh maybe Daniel Larusso but only the one in Karate Kid II…oh and that chef at the Japanese Steak house. The way he spins those knifes and cut shrimp in the air you just know on the weekends he’s fighting evil. But now there enters a new 80’s Kung-fu hero, Leroy Green, a student of the martial arts seeking his own hi-pro glow, the apparent sign of achieving perfect kung-fu or being radioactive, whichever comes first. He also has an unhealthy obsession with Bruce Lee and smells a bit like pizza. Leroy’s family owns a Daddy Green’s pizzeria shop in Harlem while he teaches a pacifist karate class for kids, a sort of Shy-Goy-Dies branch of the Martial Arts. Where’s Mr. Miyagi when you need him? That old man could teach you karate and get a house painted, car waxed, and catch flies with chop sticks all in the same day.

Leroy thwarts an attempted kidnapping of a local celebrity, Laura, who hosts a dance show/space-camp party show called “7th Heaven” minus Jessica Biel of course. The only perquisite to get on the show is sufficient leg warmer coverage or a minimum frizzy hair size…actual dancers need not apply. Laura is played by Vanity, a spaced-out Janet Jackson wanna-be from the early 80’s who sang like she was doped up on Goofballs and was also Prince’s main squeeze. She’s being pursued by a balding local arcade owner, Eddie Arkadian, who wants to get his middle aged high-pitched girlfriend auditioned on Laura’s show. You know it’s the 80’s if an arcade owner is still a rich business tycoon. Today you’d be lucky to find them begging for Xbox Live points or peddling old crane games on a street corner.

Leroy is constantly being harassed by who is arguably the tallest black man with bed hair in harlem “Sho’nuff” dressed as a fashion blind samurai/goalie who desperately wants to fight Leroy for the title of baddest mofo in Harlem. But Leroy would rather spout Chinese proverbs and whine how he hasn’t found the true master while he watches old kung-fu movies.

Laura is yet again kidnapped by Eddie’s gang of misfit thugs. This girl just can’t stop getting kidnapped (possibly mistaken for nasty Ms. Jackson?) but this time a bunch of paid assassins and trained fighters are waiting for Bruce Leroy to rescue her including a particular jolly old elf with a mohawk. I didn’t realize Santa liked to rumble. Really not much plot to really get into here. There’s a big fight between Leroy and Sho’nuff that has strong hints of the light sabre dual between Luke and Darth. There’s some escapees from the Jackson Five along with some rappin’ Chinese gangsters dudes and a senile old Kung-fu trainer who wants to retire to Florida. Add 2 parts break dancing, 1 annoying MTV video and several old Bruce Lee film clips and you’ve got yourself good campy kung-fu that won’t leave you gasy. I say give it a whirl in the DVD player if only for some of these great one-liners…

“You just get that sucker to the designated place at the designated time, and I will gladly designate his ass… for dismemberment!”

“Kiss my Converse”

“Now, when I say, “Who’s da mastah?” you say, “Sho’nuff!”

“Just direct-a your feets-a to Daddy Green’s Pizza!”

Keep an eye out for…

– gratuitous use of an MTV video
– boombox crushing
– popstar cheesy mustaches
– extreme latticework
– middle aged Madonna wanna-be’s
– pet piranhas
– hi-beam headlights
– extreme shoulder padding
– true Master glow – now with more cleaning power
– arrow catching
– bullet flossing
– Santas with mohawks
– Chinese Bubbonics
– dysfunctional fortune cookies
– belt buckle medallions

Here’s what I’d like on my tombstone “Here lies the baddest mofo low down around this town. Sho’nuff!”


rated 8.9 out of 10 for the movie

Check out the trailer for the The Last Dragon

Sep

posted by admin | September 12, 2007 | 80's movies, Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Cult Film, Cult films, Cult movies, Kung-fu

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Big Trouble in Little China

“Oh no… not another one of my gas attacks.”

Why do my fortune cookies always give me such vague predictions. “You will enjoy prosperity and good health.” Uh… okay when? It might as well say “You will have breakfast and you will be full and enjoy a brisk walk to the front door from your car.” Let’s get some specifics. How about…”avoid pork on Wednesday or it will give you botulism” or “Don’t go hiking on Saturday with granola bars in your pocket or you will be mauled by a bear” But nooo…I only get to know that my lucky numbers are 6-23-56-7. Not even enough numbers for a Lotto ticket.

Kurt Russel should have read his fortune cookie a little closer. “Avoid lawyers who look like Kim Cattrall and green eyed Chinese woman. Go home and take a nap.” But Kurt’s Character Jack Burton, just can’t help finding Big Trouble in Little China. Jack and his friend Wang Lee are at the airport to pickup Wang’s green eye girlfriend only to end up getting her and a couple of other ladies kidnapped by a local gang of sunglass wearing crip gang wanna-be’s. So much for Jack’s introductory demonstrations of heroics. Later they attempt track them down while driving the narrow streets of San Francisco in Jacks’ Giant Pork Chop Express Semi Truck. Not exactly being stealthy, they stumble upon an impromptu Chinese street war. Safe in the confines of the truck they watch the live kung-fu show as if only missing their buckets of popcorn and some gum on the floor.

Suddenly some supernatural powered fighting masters appear out of sky like rejects from Mortal Kombat and start unleashing their own Wang-chung style of justice. Dressed in oversize baskets hats from Pier One Imports, these demon gods can shoot electricity from their finger tips, spin claws of death at their enemy, and fly through the air via some not so well hidden special f/x wires. There’s also the head demon, Lopan who turns out to be the ghost of a living old guy waiting in an underground temple for a green eye Chinese girl that he can sacrifice. Then he can become mortal again and rule the world through a series glowing sword rituals. Confused yet? Don’t worry because Jack is just as confused, probably even more so but that won’t stop him from attempting to kick some supernatural butt.

Jack realizes his hero limitations yet again when he loses his truck to the street gang and is momentarily blinded by Lopan’s secret eyes on high-beam defense move. Man this guy can’t keep track of anything. Finally coming to their senses he and Wang enlist a small army of yellow bandanna wearing martial art experts and a local tour bus driver/alchemist named Egg “overeasy” Shento to find the girls and more importantly help Jack find his truck. They travel to the underworld via a conveniently place firepole and encounter a variety of monstrous roadblocks along the way including a rabid Orangutang, a floating orb of eyeballs, and the black blood of the earth (big clue.. it ain’t oil.)

Jack and Wang spend a lot of time blindfolded and stuck in wheel chairs conversing with an extremely geriatric senior center escapee or having to hold their breath for a variety of underwater magic escapes. Eventually there’s a big battle-royal in the underground temple ala 80’s neon style resulting in lots of aerial sword play, gun fire, and explosive stone throwing. Can Jack and Wang escape the evil clutches of Lopan, save the girls, and find Jack’s beloved truck? Will Kim Cattrall survive to make movies like Mannequin and City Limits?

This is definitely one of John Carpenter’s greatest cult films. Even if it’s been a while since you’ve seen it, you’ll definitely enjoy checking it out again. It really holds up to the test of time just like that box of Chinese takeout still in your fridge.

Keep an eye out for…
– impromptu kung-fu street brawls
– gang members in ridiculous sunglasses
– handicap accessible ancient underground temples
– Buddha vandalisms
– giant rabid monkeys
– floating eyeball spheres
– explosive weight gain 2000
– static electric kung-fu
– glowing old guys stuck in wheelchairs
– firepoles to netherworlds
– Chinese buffets with $1.99 all you can eat specials

“I have a black belt in feng-shui! Stop your evil ways or I will arrange you furniture to achieve harmony with the environment!”

rated 9.3 out of 10 for the movie

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Check out the trailer for Big Trouble in Little China

Jul

posted by admin | July 15, 2007 | Action, B-movie Reviews, B-movies, Cult films, Kung-fu, Uncategorized

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District B13

“The French apparently lack our fine skills in parallel parking.”

If Gymkata had a bigger budget, a real plot, and people with actual gymnastic/karate skills and you mixed it all together in a giant French blender you’d get District B13. Not since Circus De Soleil have I seen so many French men jumping through hoops and swinging on ropes.

It’s the far distant future of 2010(?) Paris has isolated off the criminal ridden parts of the city with a giant wall armed to the teeth with police and machine guns. This is to prevent anyone from crossing the border that might not like Jerry Lewis or isn’t wearing a beret and carrying a baguette. The French can be so snobby that way.

David “don’t call me Tinker” Belle plays Leito, a drug dealer who crosses the line when he destroys a Sam Wholesale size supply of heroine that belongs to a district’s crime lord. Leito must have downed a dozen Jolt colas before breakfast as he escapes the hit squad in a dazzling display of jumping through windows, scaling down the sides of buildings, leaping across roofs and jumping over moving cars… all the while keeping his hair looking perfect.

Unfortunately Leito gets double crossed by the local authorities when he tries to turn the drug dealers in at the border. Thrown into a jail transport he unwittingly joins up with an undercover cop, another acrobatic French Kung-fu expert named Damien Tomaso. “Pasta” Leito and “The Sauce” Tomaso now their own action team plot together to rescue Leito’s sister who is held captive by the drug thugs back in District B13. They also need stop a neutron bomb from killing millions of people along the way if they run out of things to do.

The action is intense with more kicks and jumps and groin smashes that would even make Jackie Chan winded. Definitely check it out and Don’t forget to uncork a fine bottle of wine. It helps make the bad French dubbing more bearable.

Keep an eye out for…

– French Vin Diesels in Don Ho shirts
– Brautsworth broiling
– Fast and the Furious casting rejects
– street thug bunk beds
– impromptu street gymnastic routines
– chained 7 ft tall amish wrestlers
– balding juan valdez gangsters

“b5, b23, b13…viva la bingo!”

rated 8.3 out of 10 for the movie

Learn more about this movie at imbd.com

Check out the trailer for District B13

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