Archive for the 'Made for TV' Category

Apr

Comments Off on Ash Vs Evil Dead

days

There is a certain trilogy of movies, all American made, all wonderful to behold; that opened up a new avenue of creativity for generations to come. I’m not talking about any wars that happened amongst the stars, no. I’m speaking of Evil Dead, or The Evil Dead, depending on the movie title. With four movies under it’s franchise name, a myriad of video games, comics, and a gigantic range of other mediums, it would only be fitting that we would continue to want more. Let it never be said that Sam Raimi and The Chin don’t deliver. facial

With the fate of the rebooted movie’s sequel in perpetual development hell we are given, instead, a 10 episode look into the life of the original Deadite killer, himself: Ashley J Williams. I’ve watched this series with a glee that is hardly able to be successfully described, every joke, every reference, and every gratuitous splash of blood was taken in with nothing but sheer adoration. And that is what this series does, it brings back the character of Ash, still played by none other than The Chin, himself, and puts him in all new situations. After a drunken night capped off with a little recreational self medication Ash is trying to impress a girl with “Poetry” and opens that most sacred of books: The Necronomicon. Of course, he’s too inebriated to realize what he’s doing, but that doesn’t stop our hero from reciting the same summoning spell that got his friends killed. You’d think he’d get it through his head to never open that thing again, but he doesn’t. But, I mean, who hasn’t accidentally read from an ancient, evil scripture, summoned demons, and got a whole lot of folks killed? Just me? Anyways, true to form, this is when things start going south, and in a hurry.

At his job, not S-Mart, unfortunately, we meet Ash’s new sidekicks, Pablo, and Kelly, and our adventures really begin. We get a lot of story from the man, himself, as to why he’s hiding out in a crappy trailer in a no-name town in Michigan, and it all boils down to the fact that Ash has developed a streak of yellow, choosing flight over fight. While I’d like to fault him for that, truth be told, I can’t. Every time that book and him come into some kind of contact folks die horrible deaths. But, let’s get to the fun! ENTER THE DEADITES! Exposition be damned, it’s time to go full Evil Dead ahead! Pablo and Kelly are grabbed in Ash’s trailer, and the fight for their life can be only be tipped by an act of heroism or cowardice. For a moment or two the titular hero contemplates leaving his new friends to their fate, but has a change of heart. With all the Raimi directing glory we love Ash enters the fray, flinging axes, blowing skulls into mush with his trusty Boomstick, and dismembering his sweet, old, neighbor with that signature chainsaw arm. And where there’s blood, there’s a lot of it, and I do mean a lot. Holy glorious globs of ooey-gooey, Batman! One-liners are delivered, and we speed off into the credits, ending our first episode.

manualI think it worth mentioning, at this point, that from his last appearance on screen we’ve glorified Ash, a little. And the series is hilariously aware of that, reminding us constantly that he is, indeed, a complete moron who does one thing well: killing Deadites. I’m highly grateful for this, because it would’ve been easy to write Ash into this perfect hero, developed through his years of solitude, and all the tropes we could’ve seen come with re-entering a character like this, but instead, we get that love-able screwhead we all got some of our best one-liners from. Maybe there is hope for Michigan U graduates, after all. Now, enter more characters and arcs. We get a cop, her partner, and even get to find out what happened to that girl that loved poetry. Hint: It doesn’t end well for a lot of people. Practical effects make the ‘Ick’ factor register high in these episodes as we witness that poetry lover twist her own head 180 degrees to stare down the two police officers. Amanda, the cop that will be hunting our main guy, watches in horror as she loses her partner to a set of taxidermy horns, and then proceeds to blow his head off. Literally. We watch it happen, in full HD glory.

As Ash and company head towards a man that can give them more information about the book Amanda sits in contemplation of what happened. Enter Ruby, played by the beautiful Lucy Lawless, yes, THAT Lucy Lawless. I’ll give you a second to fangasm. Okay? Moving on. Ruby starts up the motor in Amanda’s head about what’s really going on, urging her to find Ash, the cause of all of this. So we have our two main plots, folks! But it doesn’t stop there, no, no, no. This series takes us all over the place, throwing demons, Deadites, and other ghouls at us, and never, ever, not once shying away from the gore. The comedy will have you laughing, the horror is actually pretty damned good, and the characters are all highly love-able. Although the series does get a little Game of Thrones-y by killing off some titular characters later on, it is still just as awesome. We get a giant chunk of Evil Dead and all it does is leave fans wanting more. Bruce Campbell resuming the role of Ash is just as entertaining as it’s ever been, Lucy Lawless joining him on screen is just as awesome, Pablo and Kelly do an outstanding job of supporting roles, and even manage to get in on some of the action.meds

It is with no hesitation that I recommend this series, and cannot wait for the second season to release. If you’re an Evil Dead fan you’re going to absolutely love it. If you’re just a fan of horror, in general, the humor might be hit and miss, but the experience is just as fulfilling. Go give it some love, and tell them Deadman sent you. Thanks for reading, folks. Stay Tuned!

roadside attractions

  • The Classic.
  • The Chin 4.0
  • Yeah, she thought about it.
  • Why is she here?
  • Scream king and queen.
  • Oh. That’s why.
  • Give Ash a hand!
  • Of course it’s evil!
totals

10

blood  

BLOOD

All the blood. All of it.

10

blood  

BREASTS

Only one pair. But. They’re totally Lawless.

10

beast  

BEASTS

Deadites, demons, and darkness, oh my!

10.00 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer for Ash Vs Evil Dead

trailers
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Dec

Comments Off on Bermuda Tentacles

Bermuda Tentacles
One of the reasons I love horror movies is that you can pretty much turn any scenario into a horror one. Bought a creepy doll at a second hand store? Boom. Haunted murder doll. Fixed up a car from a salvage yard? Boom. Haunted murder car. Got that house cheap on the market? Boom. Haunted murder house. You know, I’m starting to see a trend there. So let’s go a little more extreme, shall we? Flying the President of the United States to a summit meeting in who-cares-ville? Throw in the Bermuda Triangle, tentacles, and Linda Hamilton and you got yourself a genuine SyFy flick!

Oh you read that right, folks, the Bermuda Triangle, tentacles, and Linda Hamilton. So our scenario goes by the numbers; President’s plane goes down, some rouge-ish type soldiers are called in to rescue him and tentacles attack. But wait! There’s more! Let’s add a submarine that pilots like an airplane for some reason, plus a boneyard of planes and ships and all the bad CGI you can handle. There you have it, your very own terrible movie. No easy payment plan needed.

bt_2So after our opening scene and the entire setup, which is honestly so badly scripted I wonder if the writers were every sober, we get to meet our cast. Enter soldiers one through six and Linda Hamilton. Seriously. You’re not going to remember their names. I tried! But all I could think was, “Wow. I don’t care about a single one of you.” Linda Hamilton’s character gives us the short and also badly scripted set of orders to rescue the president. But oh, no! Translucent tentacles reach up from the depths of what looks like San Francisco Bay to terrorize the ships that have come to aid!

What’s truly entertaining about this nondescript monster is how it changes it’s mode of attack from full on impalement to dragging folks around by their ankles. But what’s even more entertaining than watching that is watching the soldiers aboard the ships try to fight it. I know folks work on a budget and all, but maybe you could demonstrate what it looks like to fire a real weapon. The actors and extras stand there shaking their obvious airsoft guns like they’re trying to get a stubborn picture off an etch-a-sketch! Not to mention the entire crew is on a battle carrier with cannons and they all stand on the side of the boat with guns. Logic!

Well now that we’ve heard about these “Sea worms” from a marine biologist. Cause, you know, every naval fleet has at least one or two of those in their emergency kit. We finally get to watch the cast do their best impressions of the original Star Trek show by fumbling around a small set whilst piloting some top secret submarine to go and fetch the leader of the free world, who conveniently is in a life support pod that has been sucked to some impossible number of feet below the surface. Why the President’s pod can traverse these depths with no issue while a billion dollar submersible has more trouble than Jean Claude Van Damme faking a country accent is a question I’d like answered.

bt_3After a sequence that lasts way too long we finally get to the set piece that ate up most of the budget: the inside of some underwater cavern littered with remnants of sunken ships and planes. Funny how that place looks just like the airplane graveyard that the Mythbusters used to go to acquire parts. While soldiers 1-6 try to find the fallen President we go back to the surface for more exposition, Linda Hamilton, who apparently ran from the Terminator so hard she wound up in a SyFy flick, gets news that the “sea worms” are attached to a bigger creature and are actually just tentacles. Raise your hand if you saw that one coming. Yeah. Thought so.

Back underwater, we get more surprises that don’t surprise. More tentacle attacks! More gun shaking! Oh, hey, they found the President. But what’s this? It’s not an underwater cave after all? Well what could it be? You guessed it folks: Aliens! Which for some reason has laid dormant this entire time trying to repair itself and has just finished those pesky malfunctions right as the soldiers are trying to rescue the Chief of Staff. Don’t that beat all? Quick! Back to the bad CGI sub and into another overly extended sequence. While I am not an expert in marine terminology, I’m fairly certain most of the dialogue that takes place during this sequence was either made up or taken from Airplane.

bt_4Back to the surface to do battle with the fully repaired alien ship! Trust me folks, if you’ve made it this far into the movie you’re a trooper and deserve to laugh at the final scene of this flick. No spoilers here! Oh SyFy, you brilliantly bad movie factory, you. I’m never disappointed when I need to watch bad CGI, horrible scripted scenes and actors or actresses that are in dire need of a paycheck. This movie is another gem that is ripe for a drinking game or a sequel. Either way, I’ll be watching for both. Thanks for reading! And as always, stay tuned.

roadside attractions

  • Shells. No shells. Shells.
  • Leftover props from Megashark.
  • Leftover actors from Megashark.
  • Leftover Submarine cockpit from Megashark.
  • Leftovers.
  • Extras that die twice.
totals

3

blood

BLOOD

CGI and bad effects make it almost comedic.

0

blood

BREASTS

It’s made for TV. Even cursing isn’t allowed.

4

beast

BEASTS

Recycled animations and unoriginal ideas.

2.3 OVERALL
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Watch the trailer forTucker and Dale Vs. Evil

trailers

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Jul

Comments Off on Captain America (1979)

Captain America
1979 – TV Movie – 90 Minutes – Shout! Factory
Starring Reb Brown, Len Birman, Steve Forrest – Directed by Rod Holcomb

Captain America is the prime example of a superhero movie. He has a neat uniform that represents what he stands for, his weapon is cool, he has super strength and speed and to top it off, he’s chock full of American pride. His origins come from the heart, a weakling who wants to go to war to stand up against the Nazis and after a successful superhero experiment, he’s socking Hitler right in the kisser. All the ingredients for a top notch superhero flick. To play the star spangled hero, let’s get Reb Brown; the guy who would later star in the MST3K riffed Space Mutiny and a couple of Bruno Mattei ripoff-sploitation films, like Strike Commando and Robowar. And who else fits the bill better? He’s the blonde hair, blue eyed beefcake best known for shrieking at the top of his lungs while waving a machine gun around and beating the snot out of terrorists, so who else would be a better candidate for the USA’s all American superhero?

In 1979, Marvel would unleash upon the world the made for TV Captain America movie. With everything I talked about above, this movie is going to blow people away!

Nah, just toss all of that out the window.

Well then, how else would you open a Captain America movie, but with him leisurely cruising in a panel van, kicking it back while a mellow tune toots over the footage. What, you think an opening at a heated battle during WWII is action heavy? And this is how we introduce the patriotic Steve Rogers, who in this case is a former marine who is living in his van, traveling the states and finding out who he really is. In other words, Captain America is a hippie. We learn all of this as he talks to his surfer friend about meeting up with his friend Jeff who is in need of help and receiving a letter from a man named Simon Mills who wants to speak with him about his late father’s work. So much action happening in the first several minutes, it’s impossible to take it all in! Slow down, movie!

ca_2But Steve encounters some trouble on the way to his friend’s. Turns out, some thugs are after Steve, as they spray down a curvy road alongside a cliff with oil and do you think Steve spots this obvious trap? Of course not, because that would make the villains look incompetent, which surely they aren’t. Ahem. Since black oil in the bright California sun camouflages in so well with grey pavement, Steve falls prey to their trap and rolls his sweet set of wheels down the cliff, but emerges from the wreckage unharmed… except for a slight tear in his polo! Curse these evil-doers! Just who are they and what do they want with Steve? My guess would be to rid the world of horrific panel vans.

Steve literally walks it off and chalks it up to being an accident and meets up with Dr. Mills who tells Steve all about his father’s last project; FLAG. Full Latent Ability Gain. Yup, cause Super-Soldier Serum was too obvious and this movie needed something that was a little more vague. Although all the test subjects who have been injected with FLAG do gain powers, they don’t live too much longer afterwards. And you thought irritable bowels was an unfortunate side effect. It turns out that Steve’s father created the serum from his own DNA, so they believe Steve would be able to harness the abilities without, you know, the side effect of death. Does our patriotic marine step up to his calling? No. Instead, he whines and tells them he doesn’t want to report in to anyone and wants to lay low, kick back and discover who he really is. Our hero. The few, the proud… the puss.

Moving on with his life, Steve finally goes off to see his friend Jeff, who has just been murdered. Steve seems to be having a rough day. Meanwhile elsewhere, a black limo pulls up to an oil company and a man in a black suit gets out before looking around and walks into the building with a brisk, but relaxed pace. Why did I just describe that to you? Because they show every second of it, so it must be important! Inside, we learn that this man is named Brackett, an evil oil business tycoon (Seriously, is there ever a good one?) who is looking for some microfilm in order to complete building a neutron bomb that Jeff was working on with Brackett’s evil scientist in order to hold the city ransom so he can steal gold… ? I don’t know, it’s kind of a stupid plan. His henchman accidentally killed Jeff while interrogating him about the microfilm, but saw Steve at the scene. Perhaps he knows something? So wait, then why did we try to kill him? Before we even knew that he knew Jeff?

Well good thing Steve managed to survive, so now the villains can find out what he knows. Brackett calls him up, telling him he’s a friend and wants to meet up to tell him about what really happened to Jeff. Steve, of course, walks into this trap head first and what’s the first thing these thugs that are supposed to interrogate Steve do? Shoot at him, driving Steve off a cliff on his motorbike. I guess their policy is shoot first, ask questions later. And what is it about cliffs that attract Steve? It’s becoming a Looney Tunes cartoon at this point, except instead of turning into a xylophone, Steve is gravely injured and there is only one way to save him; inject him with the FLAG serum.

So now there are cool scenes of Steve saving people or accidentally and hysterically breaking things, realizing his full potential and newfound powers, right? Nope. He lays in bed and whines about how they took away his right and he doesn’t want these powers, denying Dr. Mills any testing. The visions of Cap standing triumphantly over Red Skull at dawn with the sun to his back as the American flag flaps in the wind comes to mind.

ca_3Whatever, at least the movie is going to force something to happen at this point. Even the filmmakers realized nothing has actually happened. Steve is kidnapped from the hospital by Brackett’s henchmen and taken to a meat packing plant, because… who cares. At least the movie seems to be setting up an action piece! The henchman outright start demanding for Steve to hand over the microfilm… which he still has no idea about… and if he doesn’t, well one of them reminds him what happened to Jeff.

“He got cute and hid the pictures. Then he got DEAD.”

Threatening words that anger Steve, so he breaks free and heroically defeats his captors by hurling large hunks of meat on them and then calling the proper authorities! Man, does this action ever let up!? There is no way they can top it, so let this mark the film’s only fight scene (or at least what passes for one here)! Steve decides that he should talk to Simon about his new powers, which they discuss along with his father’s secret identity as Captain America; a nickname given to him by those ridiculing him for standing up to for the little guy and fighting crime. Holy crap, Steve’s dad sounds awesome. He was a scientist that created a serum that gave him super powers and so he used it to fight crime… why the hell isn’t the movie about this guy?

Just in case Steve changed his mind about the whole “hero” thing, Simon prepared him a new panel van equipped with all kinds of gadgets that are never explained and a secret rocket bike hidden inside. But that’s not all! Made from the sturdiest materials on Earth, he gives Steve the trademark Captain America shield, representing the colors of the country; red, transparent and blue! Wait, is that right? Oh and cherish this moment where they test out the shield by tossing the flimsy thing into the air as it boomerangs back, because he never throws it again.

But Brackett has had enough. Kidnapping some of their female friends, one being Jeff’s daughter, which he should have done this long ago, who hands over the microfilm (oh yeah, there are a couple females in this movie, but they don’t do anything), he finally completes his neutron bomb and makes his demands known to Steve and Simon or else he will detonate it.

“But why? Bracket is no mad dog killer, he is after something.” – Actual words spoken by Simon.

Using his super hearing, Steve overhears some clues to Brackett’s location and decides to FINALLY do something with his powers and take action. Simon thinks Steve should use a disguise and presents to him what looks like a rejected Evil Knievel (even complete with a silly motorcycle helmet) costume based off one of his sketches. So finally at the 74 MINUTE mark, Captain America arrives! I know a lot of super hero movies wait until about 45 minutes or so to show their heroes, but those are 2 hour movies. This film barely makes 90 minutes. So, we don’t even see the titular hero until the final 15 minutes, which he’s not even in costume for the entire duration of.

So he rescues the girls after spraying down some security guards with oil (yeah not henchmen, but some minimum wage security guards just doing their jobs) and unravels the whole plot, which I kinda forgot at this point, because the stupid soaked deep into my brain. However, they still need to deal with Brackett, who has now rigged a device up to his heart so that if he dies, the neutron bomb explodes. Your move, Cap!

ca_4Transporting the bomb on a semi, Brackett has no idea Steve is hot on his tail, so now we get to see them duke it out or Cap stops the truck in a real heroic and tough way! Oh, why am I getting all of our hopes up. Of course he doesn’t. He bends the exhaust pipe of the truck into the trailer in order to knock out Brackett, but what Steve’s thick skull doesn’t know is that this causes humans to asphyxiate and die. Brackett passes out unconscious and the bomb will go off if he dies, so how does Steve resolve it? Does he punch his heart so hard, it beats faster? Don’t we all wish. So, get this… he calls Simon to come administer first aid to Brackett since Steve is untrained in that area. This scene actually goes on for a few minutes. This is… what the… I can’t. I can’t.

They keep him from dying, disarm the bomb and save the day… off camera, of course. We just see the exposition in a dialogue scene and Steve rocking duds that look identical (minus the motorcycle helmet) to the actual comic book version of Captain America, thus accepting his powers and taking on his father’s legacy.

So to reiterate, your source material consists of a man with great powers, who is brave and courageous, fighting Nazi’s during the second the World War, but for whatever reason that isn’t good enough?! No instead, we get a Captain America, in a much stupider looking outfit mind you, who whines and complains and doesn’t want to use his powers?! In fact, he never throws a single punch, his signature shield or really anything that Captain America is known for! Come to think of it, a majority of scenes are filler where nothing is happening or Steve is just cruising in his van. I’m sorry, but HOW do you f*#@ this up? I understand the 70’s were a different time and budgets were lower and special effects were much more difficult to pull off (especially for a superhero movie), but the Hulk series was fairly close to its source material, so why not Cap?

And Reb, what did they do to you, man? Sure this was before his action movie star days, but when you cast a guy like Reb Brown, you should just let him do his thing. His acting range goes from falling asleep to getting sleepy. Not the most versatile range of acting. They would have been better off actually choreographing fight scenes and letting the dude throw people around and toss the shield, kinda like CAPTAIN AMERICA! THE MOVIE YOUR FILM IS ABOUT! Maybe they thought a guy beating up evildoers was too violent. I mean, they couldn’t get the costume right until the end, threatening us with a sequel.

Captain AmericaWith the lack of faithful character adaptation, boring score, sleepwalking performances and lack of any action makes this a bad, cheesy flick to even sit through. Even for the 70’s this film is too mellow. If you’re trying to fall asleep, I highly recommend it. I suppose we should Thank Shout! Factory for bringing this to DVD, but why should we. Otherwise, do your country a fair service and skip Captain America. But that sequel… you don’t think… they wouldn’t… did they?

Check out this review and plenty others at Goon Reviews.

roadside attractions

  • Reb Brown. Sigh, I know. I should be more excited.
  • Rip roaring panel van.
  • Captain Whiny-baby.
  • An evil plan! Stupid, but evil!
  • Cliff-diving.
  • Beat by meat.
  • Cap’s durable, light weight recyclable plastic shield!
  • Um, isn’t there a superhero in this movie?
  • Oil change.
  • Semi-serious heart attack.
totals

1

blood

BLOOD

With no fight scenes, I’m giving a point for the ripped polo.

1

blood

BREASTS

There was some cleavage, I think, but who cares.

4

beast

BEASTS

Brackett’s no mad dog killer and Reb is unfortunately underplayed as Cap due to a terrible script.

2 OVERALL
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Watch the TV Spot!

trailers

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Jan

Comments Off on Revenge of the B-movie Trailers

We’ve found some more movie trailers both old and new for you to check out. Enjoy!

Mega Piranha

Well, the masters of blockbuster rip-offs, Asylum Films, are at it again. This time they’re looking to “reel-in” viewers with their killer fish clone, “Mega Piranha.” The basic premise is a school of not very friendly, mutated, and wingless, but flying fish (thanks to some really bad CGI effects) is blamed for several bizarre deaths. If you’re thinking the plot smells fishy that’s because it’s practically been lifted from “Piranha 2: The Spawning”, which was made almost 30 years ago. Anyway, various piranhas are shown attacking a building and a high-flying helicopter. It’s hilarious watching them soar through the air in every direction like they’ve been fired out of cannons. Not surprisingly, the dumb and helpless humans in the movie quickly end up becoming fish food, except for a guy who channels Jackie Chan and uses kick attacks would like to suggest a career change.  Maybe train to be a chef, perhaps go back to school for a business administration degree, or perhaps a fireman.  Anything that does not involve the cinematic arts. Only director, Uwe Boll (“House of the Dead”) would make a movie this bad and expect it to be taken seriously. If you like cheesy, bottom-of-the-fish-barrel, SyFy channel-style films, then “Mega Piranha” will have you, hook, line, and sinker.

Mutant Swinger From Mars

The title alone made me curious about seeing this preview. At first I was wondering if this was some kind of soft-core porn movie from the 50’s that I had somehow missed. Well, after watching the trailer I’m a little disappointed that it’s not a long-forgotten porn movie, but I’m happy to write that it looks to be an another gut-busting satire that takes inspiration from those old 50’s sci-fi movies. It seems Martians (who look like rejects from an old episode of “Star Trek”) have invaded planet Earth again to kidnap as many earth women as possible. They probably got the idea after watching “Earth Girls Are Easy.” Now, there’s one thing that I can’t figure out, and that’s how Mars apparently has water to support organic life forms, but they don’t have a dating service.

Puppet Master: Axis of Evil

I’d written off Full Moon years ago after seeing their piss-poor excuse of a film called “Decadent Evil”, which lifted so much footage from other movies that even Ed Wood would have drawn the line. But I have to admit that this trailer really makes an effort to capture the feel and atmosphere of earlier “Puppet Master” movies. This latest sequel picks up after the events of “Puppet Master III: Toulon’s Revenge”, which is my favorite film in the series. The whole gang (Blade, Pinhead, Leech Woman, etc.) look to be back in action, which should make fans of the series happy. Let’s just hope that Full Moon founder, Charlie Band, is starting a new trend with this installment: releasing movies that are actually fun to watch.

Michael Morlock’s Supernatural World

The actor who plays Michael Morlock really could be a Michael Moore impersonator. The trailer starts off with Morlock earning some extra cash pimping a Viagra knock-off while filming his latest documentary. Then we see him conducting eye witness interviews and doing investigative reporting at various locations where supernatural phenomena have supposedly occurred, such as the “Tunnel of Doom”, which just looks like an ordinary bridge to me. This is probably the kind of movie you’d end up with if the real Michael Moore had directed sci-fi documentaries.

Sharktopus

A creature that is half shark and half octopus, not to be confused with Oprah, has been created for the Navy so they can use the deadly “double feature” as the ultimate weapon. And before you can say Long John Silver’s, aquatic chaos ensues as the creature flips its creators the middle fin and starts chowing down on anything with a pulse. This flick has all the things that we’ve come to expect from a SyFy channel movie such as Z-grade visual effects, a cast of washed-up actors (I mean that affectionately), and dialog that’s been tastefully ripped-off from other movies. B-movie fans will enjoy seeing legendary B-movie director/producer Roger Corman’s cameo as a beach comber who finds a gold coin on the beach after “Sharktopus” has just eaten your standard issue clueless, blonde bimbo.

Sep

Comments Off on “Killdozer” Rest Stop Review Edition

This t-shirt from fright rags is actually scarier than the whole movie.

Back in the 70’s and early 80’s there was a rash of machines gone wild movies. There was a demon Lincoln in “The Car”, a stalking semi-truck in “Duel” and some radioactive big rigs in “Maximum Overdrive.” One movie often over looked though was “Killdozer.” This 1974 made for TV movie revolved around the idea that construction equipment while incredibly loud and slow can also be an effective stalking killing machine.  In reality it’s about as effective as an overweight ninja…..if that Ninja is flatulent….and you’re an inanimate object like a potted plant.

A group of construction workers are clearing land on an island making room for what must be dozens of  strip malls when a meteorite suddenly strikes their work site. Thankfully, 70’s star Robert Urich is there to save the day and tries to bulldoze over the big hunk of pulsating space rock. The meteorite goes mini super nova and transfers it’s glow into the bulldozer leaving a fondue faced Robert Urich to die an agonizing made for TV death. Back at the workers camp, Clint Howard is our reluctant baritoned hero. He’s a construction foreman with a drinking problem (shocking I know). After the accident he begins to suspect the strange humming bulldozer might have some homicidal tendencies but feels better to just keep it a secret. He’s not too surprised when it trashes their camp the next day and turns one of his men into a human burrito stuffed in a drainage pipe. The rest of the men flee (walk briskly) to slightly higher ground since the bulldozer’s greatest weakness is slight inclines and can only travel about 8mph. These guys aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed though and devise increasingly dumb ways to combat the malevolent machine including starting a fire that it bulldozes right over or trying to drive a truck full of explosives into it. After a failed  game of chicken with their army jeep the two survivors decide to battle Killdozer with a digger crane in what can only amount to the lamest game of rock em’ sock em’ robots ever. Couldn’t they just wait for the thing to run out of gas? A riding lawnmower is scarier than this movie. Let’s check out the Roadside Attractions: Deep fried Urich, Jeep wrangling, Rock-slide Fu, Glow rocks, Drain tube crushing, Electroshock oil change, Bulldozer hit and run..er..I mean mozy along. Retroman says check it out…but if a homicidal bulldozer is ever barreling down on you at tops speeds, be sure to step aside…after a while…ya know when you feel like it. Take your time though, there’s no rush.

You can watch the entire movie on YouTube. Shockingly, nobody has threatened to take it down. They probably figured nobody’s watching it except for the Urich family. Part 1 is below and the rest are available on that Youtube site all the cool kids are talking about.

trailers

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Looking for hard to find cult movies and unreleased DVD’s of some vintage b-movies then check out www.superstrangevideo.com. They provide many of the movies we review here at the site and will give you a great price on whatever film you’re trying to track down.

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